A Brave New World
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Because no one ever knows where the future of Downton really lies. Cobert's son falls in love with Chelsie's daughter and ignites a class war at the estate. Set at various times from 1896-1945. Mostly Chelsie.
1. Because It Couldn't Be Could It?

Chapter One- Because It Couldn't Be…Could It?

July 1914

"Are you alright?" Carson asked gently.

"Y-yes I'm fine." Elsie reassured, shutting her eyes.

The room spun and even with her eyes shut she could feel herself reeling as if she were spinning around in circles. It was the middle of the night and the room was pitch black. She lay awake, sick to her stomach and facing the wall.

"No you're not. I know you too well for that. Would you like me to sneak you back into your own bed?"

"No." She sighed. "I want to stay here with you in _our_ bed."

"You know." He smiled, wrapping his arms around her rib cage from behind. "I hate sneaking around this way, after eighteen years of marriage, it just doesn't seem right."

"Do you want to tell people?" She asked suddenly.

"Ideally. I'd love to tell people how much I love you." She blushed. "Wouldn't you want the same?"

"Oh yes, _**ideally**_. You're my life my Charlie." She reminded, rolling over to face him, placing her face on his chest, resting there as she closed her eyes again. "I love you more than anything."

Elsie didn't feel right at all that night, but resting in his arms made her feel safe, and she felt herself slowly being rocked to sleep by the flow of his breath.

"Are you really feeling alright my love?" He asked, running his fingers through her hair.

"No." She confided. "I think I'm a bit under the weather."

"Would you have to have a lie-in tomorrow?" He asked, running his fingers through her hair as she closed her eyes and began to drift off. I can…"

"No, no." She replied. "I'll be fine."

"Mrs. Hughes, I'll remind you it's the day the family is returning from London and it's going to be…."

"Don't Mrs. Hughes me." She reminded, her eyes totally closed now. "It's Mrs. Hughes by day, and Mrs. Carson by night: don't you forget it."

"Oh Mrs. Carson, my love, I never ever could." He promised.

"Good." She mumbled, clutching his pajama shirt.

"Goodnight my wife." He whispered, kissing her very softly. "Elsie." He said, after pausing a moment. "I think its time I told everyone I love you."

"Mmm that'd be nice." She mumbled, half asleep now. She sighed and sunk deeper into his chest.

Carson lay awake holding his wife after she'd fallen asleep, continuing to run his fingers through her hair, hair he loved so much. She was all he had in so many senses and he adored everything about her, even her hair. Now he was desperately worried and couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong with her, she'd been feeling off for a few days and it wasn't like her. It was then he decided for sure that it was time for them to come clean, and better yet, to not have to live in the shadows anymore no matter what the consequences.

…

"Do you really think it's a good idea? I mean I think it's a lovely idea." She said as he helped her button the back of her dress.

It was very early in the morning and they were getting ready for the long day ahead. Elsie found herself exhausted now before the day even began and couldn't believe her ankles already ached even though she'd just gotten out of bed.

"Yes. It's time. It should be our eighteenth anniversary gift to each other. Besides it was a mistake anyway."

"What was?"

"Not telling people." He said as she turned to face him. "We could've gotten our own cottage…and we still could."

"Well remember we were going to do that when the children started to come…"

Both of them paused awkwardly when she said this. It was something they didn't discuss. They stared back at each other, each seeing a sense of pain, of longing and a need to be forgiven for something they couldn't help. He could tell the whole matter still hurt her and that he still felt cheated.

"Charlie I'm sorry that..."

"No, no." He laughed, kissing her forehead. "Don't be silly. And I think it's high time we got that cottage anyway, don't you?"

"Yes." She smiled, relieved as he leaned down to kiss her.

Suddenly they heard a crash in the kitchen, followed by Mrs. Patmore beginning to yell at Daisy. Elsie sighed.

"I'll speak to her ladyship about Mrs. Patmore when they return later today. She can't go much longer without burning the house down." She was of course, referring to Beryl's fading eyesight.

"I quite agree." He said as he started to work on her buttons again.

Within moments there was another crash in the kitchen, this one far louder.

"I better go and see. I'll be back in a few minutes… I hope."

He left quickly in order to try and preempt an argument, and without finishing buttoning the back of his wife's dress. She sighed and went to work trying to do the buttons herself. It was a special dress and one of her favorites. It had over twenty tiny black buttons that ran down the center of the back. It wasn't the kind of thing that she could really put on by herself, a task that was easier said than done.

Charlie always had to help her with that particular dress, and she found it funny no one ever noticed. The ladies maids, for example, should've easily recognized the fact that she could never get it on by herself. The buttons were difficult for Carson to maneuver, but luckily he'd done the top half where she couldn't reach and she could finish the rest if she had to.

She moved on to the bottom few buttons near the slope of her back, realizing suddenly, how tight a fit it was. She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath as she forced the buttons shut, sighing almost painfully. Elsie found this very odd, not to mention uncomfortable. This dress had never been snug on her before and she didn't understand why it would be now.

"Oh I'm suppose I'm just falling apart…" She whispered, thinking maybe she was just getting fat.

...

It wasn't until she was upstairs and fast at work overseeing the housemaids that she realized how exhausted she was. _The season_ , when the family was away in London, was supposed to be a time of rest for them all and she thought it had been for most everyone in the house (upstairs and down)…with the notable exception of herself.

She and Charlie had had a few nice todays together after the family had first left. They'd managed to sneak away for a holiday to her native Scotland. She'd treasured the trip: it was nice to go home and even more lovely to have the freedom to act like a normal couple who'd been married as long as they had. She supposed he'd liked it too, and thought that perhaps it was why he'd returned from London a day early and with the news that he wanted to get a cottage of their own and finally make the true nature of their relationship known to everyone: he too was sick of hiding.

They'd only ever done it for job security of course. They'd married years ago, when she'd first come to the house and Lady Sybil was a newborn baby. Elsie smiled, thinking back at that time. They'd married so quickly and when they barely knew each other. It was a whirlwind romance that would seem uncharacteristic if you told the tale to Anna or Bates or Thomas or anyone else. But they'd loved each other so deeply from their first meeting that they knew they had to be together. Elsie's heart swelled with warmth at the thought of their first days together and she found herself feeling so blessed to be Mrs. Charles Carson, even secretly.

At the time, it had been considered highly inappropriate for members of the downstairs staff to be romantically involved let alone married and so they'd kept their relationship a secret. There had been several times when they'd almost broken to the news to Lord and Lady Grantham, the first being right after they eloped. But then, Elsie was promoted to head housekeeper and so they'd decided to wait for their original plan: children. They would tell everyone the truth when she got pregnant. She didn't know why now; but they'd expected to be blessed with children and they had wanted a lot of them... That had never happened of course.

Elsie sighed putting those sad thoughts aside and thinking back to their trip. It had been so wonderful in everyway and in truth, made her feel like she'd fallen in love with him all over again. Despite feeling sick, she felt giddy as a young girl in love, now that he was back from the city. When they returned from Scotland, Carson joined the family in London, leaving her practically alone at Downton. She hated that they were separated for most of the summer and didn't find the whole matter very fair. It happened every year but this year she'd felt crushed, even abandoned by the separation and she didn't know why.

Mrs. Hughes had hid her sorrow and thrown herself into work. She figured it was why she was so exhausted now. Mainly, she'd vested herself into a through cleaning of the house that could only be done when it wasn't occupied. The housemaids would tell you, privately of course, that she'd been extra moody during this period of time and unlike herself to the point where they knew something was bothering her. This task had taken all of them weeks and was just about to be finished.

Aside from that, Elsie had begun working fastidiously on the garden party, which would be held later that month (appropriately this year's party fell on her and Charlie's eighteenth wedding anniversary, only no one knew that). She found herself pretending she was planning a party for her and her husband, but scolded herself for thinking that way.

And then, most difficult of all, there was Beryl to contend with. Poor Mrs. Patmore was going blind, which resulted in accident upon accident that _**she**_ had to help clean up. Daisy was of little help, and that was even more frustrating for Mrs. Hughes. After all, it was her job to manage everything and to protect the staff from getting hurt, which was pretty tough considering the fact that Mrs. Patmore refused to acknowledge that her failing eyesight was a growing problem.

All of this had been very stressful; and in hindsight, Elsie supposed it made sense that she was feeling so tired, and perhaps gaining a little weight. She'd begun to notice a change in herself a couple of weeks ago that wasn't too apparent until the night before, when her husband returned from London a day early. Seeing that he recognized a change in her, was surprising to her and shook her up a little bit, but even now she didn't have the time to think much about it.

Now that the family was coming home, she was even busier. She was thinking

even less about herself than before, but found that she felt sicker than ever. After some time had passed she decided she wanted to take her husband up on his offer for her to go lay down, but by the time she'd decided it, it was too late. Before she knew it, it was midafternoon and she and Charles were waiting by the stairs to welcome the family home. Lord and Lady Grantham greeted them warmly, as did the girls. Elsie laughed internally when Cora told her she hoped she'd had time to herself while they were away.

After a small discussion of William and the impending war, everyone started to go upstairs, but Cora stayed behind when Elsie pulled her aside.

"M'lady, I'm sorry to trouble you when you've only just gotten home but; we need to speak about Mrs. Patmore."

"Oh I hope her sight hasn't gotten worse!"

"I'm afraid so, Ma'am."

"I'm saddened to hear that! Please take it up with Lord Grantham when he comes downstairs in a while. We've discussed it and we would really like to do something to help her."

"That would be wonderful your ladyship."

"But, for now Mrs. Hughes, I really need to lay down. Would you be so kind as to call for Dr. Clarkson, and have him come to see me?"

"Of course, Ma'am." She smiled.

…

Elsie didn't let it show but she was jealous of Cora for getting to take a rest. After some time passed, she made her way to the library where Lord Grantham had convened too, deciding to discuss the matter of Mrs. Patmore's eyesight with him despite her splitting headache. She paused hearing Dr. Clarkson speak, as she was about to knock on the door. She was hardly a snoop, but something told her to listen.

"It's unusual." Dr. Clarkson seemed to be admitting.

"Unusual, it's biblical?" Lord Grantham laughed, a hint of disbelief in his voice. Elsie cringed suddenly, overwhelmed by her headache.

"You understand women go through a certain change…" The doctor offered.

"I know quite as much as I need to about all of that."

"Well sometimes it can result in a surge of…fertility for lack of a better term."

"The child will be healthy?"

"Oh there's no reason why not."

Elsie's eyes flashed open.

"Maybe…" She whispered. "No, no, no…" She tried to convince.

Elsie paused when she realized she was chewing on her nails, an insufferable habit she only took up when very nervous…. and that she'd mostly given up when she was nine.

"No it couldn't be…" She whispered.

But logically, she knew it could. After all, she was only a few years older than Lady Grantham and in that same stage of life. She was old but not too old. Perhaps it would explain so much if it were true, like why she was so tired, why she'd felt abandoned when Charles left, why she felt so sick but wasn't sick at all, and lastly why her dress barely fit all of a sudden.

"No, no Elsie don't be silly it can't be, not after all this time…" She said to herself, closing her eyes and leaning back against the wall. She didn't notice Dr. Clarkson coming out of the library and shutting the door behind him.

"What couldn't be, Mrs. Hughes… if I may ask?" He inquired simply and she stared back at him.


	2. But It Was

Chapter Two- But It Was

Elsie found herself overwhelmed and completely breathless, her head still reeling but she didn't care: she was on cloud nine. She smiled deeply, realizing she was walking through the village in a daze, grinning like an idiot but she didn't care about that either. Dr. Clarkson had insisted he drive her home but she felt like walking: she needed the space and time to process this. Despite her joy she was also completely shocked.

'How could this be after so long?' She asked herself.

But Elsie didn't really care how it could be, only that it was. That's what you feel, of course when you've given up on your heart's desire years and years before and then suddenly it's just there and part of you, unexpected like a thief in the night.

By the time she was part of the way back to Downton, her feet had started to ache again and crossed paths with Branson who'd gone into town to get the car repaired. He pulled over when he saw her, insisting on giving her a ride back to the house and she accepted.

"Everything alright, Mrs. Hughes?" He laughed, noting that she was thrilled about something. He never seen the housekeeper so elated and it piqued his curiosity.

"Oh it's perfect." She grinned. "Just perfect."

In truth, the prospect of all of this frightened her on some level. She knew, practically, that this was uncommon, and dangerous at her age. Dr. Clarkson had warned her that she could be facing serious complications, but she couldn't bring herself to seriously contemplate those considerations. The thrill and the blessing of this was simply too great to not just revel in. She pushed off thoughts of the danger of it, and instead, focused solely on the joy.

She wondered what her Charlie would say, and how he would react when she told him. It'd been so long since she'd thought about how his eyes would light up, or how his jaw would drop, that such thoughts seemed new all over again. She wondered if he already had a feeling about it but hadn't told her yet, or if perhaps news of Lady Grantham's pregnancy had made him consider the possibility of it, as it had with her.

Her heart pounded when she got back to Downton. She was still undecided on whether or not she'd tell him right away, or wait for a private, romantic moment. It was something they'd both been waiting for, for so long, and she felt pressured to do it right.

"Someone's happy today." Thomas raised an eyebrow as he and O'Brian passed her in the hall.

They saw Mrs. Hughes as a rather stoic figure and were immediately suspicious about her seeming so happy. Within seconds of crossing her path, they started to think of her state as their personal business rather than a simple observation of someone else's joy. Soon it would be the basis for a vendetta, after all, in their minds, everything was about them.

"Enough with the cheek for today! Can't you ever just be…happy?" She chastised, hurrying past them.

"I wonder what she has up her sleeve?" O'Brian whispered once Elsie headed into the kitchen.

"Perhaps she's just happy about the new little brat like everybody else." He shrugged, finding it silly that everyone was so enthused about Lady Grantham's news.

Elsie felt even more in a daze when she finally reached the kitchen: being there with Charles made her news almost surreal and for a moment she stared back at him, not knowing if she could speak at all. Daisy watched Mrs. Hughes carefully as she stared doe-eyed at Carson who was arguing with Mrs. Patmore about the dinner, which she was insisting on cooking even though she couldn't see well enough to now and he'd told her to take the evening off.

Only Daisy noticed Elsie had walked into the room and she stared at her uneasily as she just watched Carson, complete adoration obvious in her eyes. Even the naïve Daisy recognized that something out of the ordinary was happening.

"Mrs. Hughes are you alright?" The girl asked, breaking the silence between the two of them.

Carson turned immediately when he heard she was standing right there. And in an instant she seemed too take his breath away. She looked different to him somehow than she had a few hours before. He didn't know what it was, but she seemed to be… for lack of a better term, glowing.

"Where have you been the past couple of hours?!" Beryl asked Elsie. "I could barely manage without ya, don't you know we're suddenly expecting a baby in this house and…"

Carson smiled brightly, noticing his wife blush at Mrs. Patmore's words, her smile not fading as she stared back at him.

"Mr. Carson. Charlie." She said, tears in her eyes. "May I speak with you in my sitting room, for a moment?"

"Certainly Mrs. Hughes."

Daisy raised an eyebrow, noticing that he was suddenly as enamored with her as she was with him.

"Charlie!" Beryl cried when they left the room. "Since when does she call him Charlie!?"

"Mrs. Patmore I think there's something going on with them, like between them..."

Mrs. Patmore turned back toward the hall quickly and then squinted back at Daisy, shocked at the prospect that she would pick up on something like that.

"Mrs. Hughes, there's not something going on between…wait, where did they go?!" She asked suddenly, not having realized they'd left.

…

Elsie didn't know how to begin. Her heart raced audibly as he closed her sitting room door; blood thundering in her ears almost drowning out her angst _and_ her excitement at once. She tried, in those moments to remember all the perfectly thought out ways she'd considered telling him all those years ago but those faint imaginings seemed to fade into the foreground, leaving behind nothing but the choice of impulsivity.

"So, Elsie Carson." His smile practically made her weak in the knees. "Where has my love been all day long, hmm?"

"I haven't been gone all day." She defended.

"Yes, you have." He said, wrapping his arms around her waist, leaning his forehead against hers.

He began to rock her a little, almost as if they were dancing, their foreheads still touching. Elsie closed her eyes and took a breath. She was nervous and her mind a little frantic, but his embrace was comforting, acting as a bulwark against her fears and reminding her of how much she was loved.

"Charlie." She whispered. "I do have something I need ta talk to ya about."

"Oh?"

"Mr. Carson." She began, looking up at him. "My Charlie. I'm going to have your baby." She burst out laughing, unable to hide her joy any longer.

"What?!" He asked, his eyes lighting up. "What?! Mrs. Carson! It's been fifteen years since we stopped try…oh my Elsie. How did…"

"I don't know…" She smiled as she started crying again. "I don't know and I don't care."

"Oh it's wonderful." He replied, taking her face in his hands and kissing her deeply. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. "Are you sure?" He asked, breaking their kiss.

"I'm sure, I'm very sure."

"This is incredible. I don't believe it." He laughed. "It's been so long since we ever thought that…."

"Neither do I, but I promise its true."

He paused for a moment, overwhelmed as he studied her face. He had a million questions for her and wasn't sure where to begin. Then he remembered her dizziness from the night before.

"Here, sit down, my love. You should be off your feet."

"Charlie I…" Elsie was about to remind him that she wasn't going to get off her feet anytime soon with the Garden Party only a few weeks away and Mrs. Patmore mostly out of commission.

"No I mean it." He said.

She couldn't help but smile when he sat her down in the armchair and he sat across from her, removing her shoes and beginning to massage her feet. It was something he very often did for her after a long day at Downton.

"We need to tell his lordship right away, no wife of mine is going to be in this condition and on her feet eighteen hours a day!"

"But Charlie I…I don't want to tell people until we know."

"Until we know what?" He raised an eyebrow.

She sighed. "Whether it's going to stick or not. Sometimes when women get pregnant it doesn't always…"

"Oh." He replied sadly, devastated by the thought. "I see."

"I'm only eight or nine weeks, he thinks, not nearly as far a long as Lady Grantham. He said it's delicate and I don't want people knowing if…"

"You mean Thomas." He added. "I'll take care of Thomas."

He'd already heard Thomas say something rude about Lady Grantham's news and couldn't imagine he'd be any more polite about his wife's…or their bombshell that they'd been married nearly twenty years.

"Charlie it'll be too much for me to bear that way if we lost it and people knew..."

"Please, don't think of it that way. We're not going to loose it." He promised as she reached up to dry his tears.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She said gently.

"But we don't know that will happen a-and for right now the child is safe."

"Our child." She corrected, smiling.

"Yes. Our child." He beamed, taking her hands and squeezing them tight before lifting them up to kiss them. "Oh Elsie, our child, what a thought."

"It's an incredible thought: our baby after so long. Speaking of which, you must help change my dress."

"Why, I like that one."

"Don't ya notice something different about me Charlie?" She giggled, getting up and going to her small closet to find another dress.

"Quite a lot, actually. I couldn't much make sense of it yesterday, but now it…"

"Well, start unbuttoning."

He did as she asked without really questioning why and suddenly he realized.

"This is on so tight…"

"I know, I've been squishing baby and that's never good… Charlie, I'm not ready to tell them. Perhaps after the garden party when…"

He sighed. "Elsie you mean more to me than anything in the world. And that's why I really must insist you take it easy. Not after the garden party, or when Mrs. Patmore's better: now. And the sooner that we tell them, the easier it will be for us to get rest for you."

"But Charlie."

"Just because they know doesn't mean everyone else has to and I really want you to have the best of everything."

"You're such a sweet man Charles Carson." She beamed.

"I can't do anything about…well." He paused. "The…physiology of things as it were but I can give you and the baby a fighting chance: you can rest, Mrs. Patmore will make you whatever you like…"

"If she doesn't burn the house down first." She rolled her eyes as she finished buttoning the new dress she'd chosen.

"I'll have Daisy wait on you…"

"But Charles…"

"Telling Lord and Lady Grantham about this is no different from our discussing Mrs. Patmore's sight with them, it's not personal." He defended, knowing that she didn't think of the family on a personal level as he did. He assumed she thought that he just wanted to share their news with them, an assumption that wasn't completely untrue. "It's about your health."

She sighed. "Alright, that's reasonable I suppose… We'll do it later today when we speak with them about Mrs. Patmore. Now can you tell?" She asked of her dress.

She thought you could tell she was pregnant in the old dress and hoped the one she'd changed into hid things better.

"Yes. But only because I know." He said, kissing her cheek.

Daisy watched carefully from her place in the kitchen as Carson and Mrs. Hughes finally came out of her sitting room. Mrs. Patmore was busy talking to herself and trying to contend with the stove she couldn't see so she hadn't realized that they had failed to emerge from Mrs. Hughes' quarters after a good half hour. The lapse of time wasn't lost on the normally naïve Daisy and she couldn't help but wonder why they'd been in there with the door locked for so long. She shuddered at the thought of it and refocused her attention on the batter she was stirring.

'No, no Daisy, it's just Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes. Your being silly nothing could be going on. ' She told herself.

It just couldn't be…. But it was. Daisy looked back up at them as they parted ways in the hall, her eyes widening in horror when she realized Mrs. Hughes was wearing a different dress than when she and Carson first went into the sitting room.

….

Elsie found herself incredibly nervous when she and Charlie sat down in the library with Lord and Lady Grantham. Not only were they about to share something deeply personal: they were about to reveal a nearly twenty-year-old secret. Part of her was worried it would get them fired, but Carson did not think it was a legitimate concern. She was very surprised when Cora had Thomas bring in tea for four.

"I hope you don't mind joining us." Cora said kindly. "But I'm just starving."

"No, no that'd be lovely." Elsie conceded, the offer of joining them for tea put her at ease.

"I do hope poor Mrs. Patmore's eyesight isn't too bad." Lord Grantham began.

"It's getting worse by the day it seems." Elsie lamented.

"We'd like to do all we can to help her." Cora added.

"I'm sure she'd be deeply touched by that M'lady." Elsie smiled. She was put further at ease when Thomas left the room.

"But the truth is." Carson interrupted. "Mrs. Hughes and I are here about more than just Mrs. Patmore."

"Oh?" Cora asked, batting her eyelashes.

"The truth is we've been untruthful to you all these years." Carson said.

Elsie was surprised by the way he said it at first, but then supposed that was just the truth of it. Cora gasped and Robert's eyes widened.

"We'll understand if you would like us to resign if…"

"Wait a minute, what's this about?" Robert asked.

"It's not Mrs. Hughes." Elsie explained, taking Carson's hand. "In fact, it's been Mrs. Carson an awfully long time now."

"What?" Cora gasped, a small smile coming to her face.

Something inside her was excited about this and not at all surprised. Thinking about it, she thought maybe she'd always known something was going on between the two. Elsie noticed this but couldn't help but note that Lord Grantham still seemed to be processing it. In fact, he seemed overwhelmed at the notion.

"We've been married eighteen years, m'lord." Carson continued. "Since around the time Mrs. Hughes first arrived at Downton, and lady Sybil was a newborn."

"Eighteen years." The lord repeated, seeming to be thinking aloud, rather than replying to them.

"It happened very fast." Elsie continued. "Way too fast for even us. We loved each other within days of meeting and we needed our jobs and didn't know what to do…you'll recall that such an arrangement eighteen years ago: the butler and the housemaid married it was…"

"Unheard of." Cora finished Elsie's sentence and she nodded in agreement.

Robert was silent for a moment and suddenly looked up.

"Carson…Mrs. Hugh… err Mrs. Carson. I'm so sorry." He said. Elsie's heart leapt, thinking he really was about to let them go. How would they provide for the baby if he did? "Old chap, you're my friend." He smiled faintly; and in an instant Carson knew he was hurt by the betrayal rather than angered. "I wish you would've told me. I'm so sorry you felt you had to hide such a happy thing all this time. Does anyone else know?"

"Not a soul, it's our secret." Carson squeezed his wife's hand in reassurance.

"I must say I too wish I would've known." Cora smiled.

"Well, that's the thing m'lady." Elsie continued. "We were going to tell you, when we started a family."

"Unfortunately, we weren't blessed with children."

"Until now." Elsie smiled, looking over at her husband.

"Ha!" Cora gasped.

"I-is Clarkson sure?" Robert asked. "Because I barely believe him about Lady Grantham."

"Quite sure, yes m'lord." Elsie beamed.

"It will be wonderful!" Cora was suddenly delighted. "They'll have built in playmates!"

"Lady Grantham…" Elsie hesitated.

"Cora…" Robert also seemed anxious to voice his concerns.

"Oh but please! They'll be the only two children in the house, and they'll be the same age. It'll be perfect! They'll be fast friends I know it."

Everyone was reserved about this idea, except for Cora who wasn't afraid to let her plans for both children, or her enthusiasm about the whole thing, be known. Carson and Robert were concerned about the propriety of it all, and Elsie was worried about her child getting hurt. She'd never seen herself as being close to the family in the way her husband did.

"I've been worried about my child growing up lonely." Cora explained. "She won't have siblings close in age like the older girls did. So having another baby in the house the same age is just a tremendous blessing!"

Elsie sighed. "I suppose your right m'lady it does make sense that they should be friends." She had to concede that she didn't want her baby to grow up lonely either and that in some ways it might be a good match.

"I suppose it does." Robert added, understanding the argument now that his wife had discussed the matter of loneliness. Looking back on his early childhood, he thought he would've been devastatingly lonely without Rosamond. "Do you plan on staying on Mrs. Hugh…I'm sorry, Mrs. Carson."

"If you'll have me."

"Oh of course!" Cora smiled. "I'm going to interview nannies very soon." Cora added. "I'd like it if you helped me choose."

"O-of course." Elsie was surprised.

"Because she'll be your nanny too. I insist."

"It's the least we can do." Robert agreed. He felt awful they'd hid their relationship for so long, it just wasn't right.

"Oh, m'lady, thank you so much, but I'd like to keep my child myself when…"

"I understand but I want you to have a place to leave him when your working, or you ever just want a break…please consider it."

"Thank you m'lord, your ladyship." Carson preempted his wife and decided to agree for her. I think it sounds wonderful."

…..

In the end, Elsie was surprised by the wealth of the family's generosity but very upset at her husband for having agreed to something she didn't want. After a moment of hesitation the Lord and Lady had welcomed them and their news with open arms. In the end, the four had settled on the following: a revised work schedule for Elsie, discretion for now (as Robert and Cora had understood why they'd want to inform everyone else on their own time), childcare and a built in friend for the baby, and finally, it had been decided that Mrs. Patmore (accompanied by Anna) would be sent to see an eye specialist in London within the next few days.

The last thing had surprised even Carson, and made Elsie feel a little bit better about the whole situation.

"I have one condition." Robert had said. The term condition, made Elsie kind of nervous and it perplexed Cora and Carson until he explained. "You can't continue living downstairs now. It isn't right. Before the child comes, I will find you a cottage not far from here." It was exactly what they'd wanted all this time, and in some way, seemed too good to be true.

"I hope you're not angry with me." Carson said as they made their way back downstairs. "It's the right thing, the nanny, you know what we were both thinking…" They'd never discussed it, but he knew they'd both considered it. "We were thinking of making Daisy care for him when we were busy and we can't manage doing that it's not realistic."

"No it's not." She admitted quietly.

"Then, what's wrong?"

Elsie sighed as they approached the green baize door.

"It's just that…this child Lady Grantham's child, he's going to be a lord if he's a boy, and our child is not that…"

"He can be whatever he likes."

"Yes, we can give him far better opportunities than my parents gave me and I am proud of that. This little one will have a better childhood and brighter future than I did…I just don't want him to be crushed by having such a different life than his friend, that's all. You see Charlie, I'm going to teach him or her that there's so much more to life than these walls and that his life, his future is anything he wants it to be. He doesn't have to farm or to serve or anything just because his family before him did. He could be anything and his future is out there somewhere, far from here." She smiled brightly, her heart fluttering at the thought.

Carson froze, not knowing what to think about this. He wanted his child to have a good life but didn't know if he agreed with her on all of that. Elsie kissed his cheek sweetly before going down the stairs, leaving him standing there in a daze.


	3. Take It Easy

Ch 3: Take It Easy

"Mrs. Carson. Mrs. Carson wake up."

"Hmmm." Elsie moaned almost painfully, turning away from her husband's gentle inquiry and facing the wall. "Nnnn." She cried.

"Mrs. Carson I've let you sleep as long as I possibly could." He whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed and gently sweeping her hair out of her face. It'd been more than an hour since he'd woken up and now the whole house was awake, save Elsie. "But I'm afraid its time you got up. We've only got a few days before the garden party, and…."

"Hmmm." She muttered, settling back into a deeper sleep.

Carson sighed. He didn't know what to do. He'd let her sleep as long as he could and she was still exhausted. He hated to make her get up when she was like this, it wasn't right. These were some of the first moments in his recent memory, that she hadn't been working herself to the bone and he couldn't bear the thought of disrupting her from restorative slumber she clearly needed. For a moment, he thought of having Anna take over for her but then remembered that she and Mrs. Patmore were still in London. The Crawley's cook, Mrs. Bird was running the kitchen now, and things were finally going more smoothly than they had in months.

 _The season_ and the garden party always put undue pressure on Elsie but Mrs. Patmore and her illness had added an unusually heavy burden. She had been policing the kitchen since Mrs. Patmore's eyesight started to fade; intervening at a moments notice and swooping in to save the day, each time just as the place was about to catch on fire. And if that weren't bad enough, she had to defend poor Daisy from Mrs. Patmore's outbursts… after all she was in denial about her eyes and often blamed her mistakes on the young girl. The worst part was that she had to argue with Mrs. Patmore and convince her any of it was even happening in the first place.

It was too much stress for anyone, not to mention someone who was on her feet over twelve hours a day everyday and pregnant. If Carson had known she were pregnant earlier he would've insisted she stop trying to handle the situation with Mrs. Patmore and done it himself. This was precisely why he felt so terribly guilty: because he should've done that, and a hundred other things, but instead he'd been in London with the Crawley's. He hated that she'd been working so hard all that time. It hurt him somewhere deep inside and made him feel like less of a man, like he'd failed her.

Carson paused, watching his wife. She looked so fragile to him, lying there sound asleep in his bed. He didn't think he'd ever seen her as more venerable than he did in those few moments. The idea of waking her made him feel like a brute somehow and he almost couldn't bare the thought of doing it.

 _His_ bed. He scoffed at the idea. It was one of the things he hated most about this whole arrangement. _His_ bed when it was really _their_ bed… their secret marriage and impending baby seemed to get harder to hide everyday and he couldn't wait to let it out into the open. He had no idea, for example, how was he going to sneak her out of his room with everyone else awake. The idea almost made him panic. Usually, she slept there with him, and got up early, before anyone (even Daisy) to sneak back into her own room unnoticed.

They'd yet to break their news to the rest of the house and were waiting until the baby made its self-known. He didn't like this arrangement much and would rather have just told everyone right away. But this had been Elsie's idea: to announce when she started to show and he was glad they were nearly there. It'd been two weeks since they'd told Lord and Lady Grantham about the baby and he thought you could tell she was pregnant now…. or at least, he could, probably only because he knew her so well. So far though, he was awed by it. He took a second, just smiling at the thought before electing to try to wake her again.

"Elsie, my love." He whispered.

"Mmmm I'm so tired."

"I know but it's time to get up."

"Mmmm." She cried.

Carson was frustrated. Everyone else was having breakfast just outside his door and he knew that soon someone would come knocking: they couldn't start without him. At this point, he had half of mind to let her sleep, go to breakfast and announce that his pregnant wife was exhausted and he'd appreciate it if they could be quiet enough to allow her to continue to sleep… Well, he wanted to do that but he knew Elsie would be livid at him if he did.

"Mmm Charlie." She yawned, her eyes still closed. "I'm sorry, I'm growing a person, and it's exhausting."

"It's alright my love, why don't you go back to sleep?" He suggested.

"Hmmm but you're right I do have to get up it's two days before the garden party…"

"I think it'd be alright if you took the day off." He tucked her back in bed, noting she didn't protest.

"You're not my boss. _I_ am my boss." She emphasized, yawning. "But I will take the day off."

"Yes my love, that's quite right: I'm not your boss but I will cover for you and I think you should stay in bed."

He didn't say it but he was relieved for a multitude of reasons when she'd agreed to the suggestion. Not only was he worried about her health but, Mrs. Patmore and Anna were scheduled to return sometime within the next day and a half and he knew that met she'd be the acting referee between her and Mrs. Bird if she were up and around, and that was just about the last job he wanted her to have. He would do it for her.

Carson kissed her cheek and got up to go to breakfast, deciding to have Ms. O'Brien, of all people, take over for her for the day. He paused in the doorway as he watched her sleep, having wanted to mention that she was still working far too hard for his tastes. He stared at her for a second before leaving the room, deciding he'd leave that conversation for later on in the day when she was more awake. He'd been worried from the moment he said her pregnancy was how had she phrased it… _delicate_? And was hoping that the level of exhaustion she was experiencing was normal, not something he had to feel guilty for. Truthfully, though he was terrified something was very wrong.

Elsie let herself snuggle deeper into the pillow once he left, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. Something didn't feel right and she didn't know what it was, just that she didn't want to tell Charlie. She wasn't sure what was happening, but she had an overwhelming feeling it wouldn't be safe to get up that day.

"No, no not this way." She whispered. She held her stomach tight and took a deep breath, reminding herself that no matter how much rest she got it wouldn't keep the baby inside her if it wasn't met to be. "Please stay with Mummy, stay with Mummy." She bit her lip, trying to keep herself from crying.

…..

The sound of Lady Grantham's screaming had been horrifying and even hours later it rang in O'Brien's ears, leaving her aghast and shaken, almost petrified by the consequences of her own actions. Hours had passed since it had happened and now it was the servant's dinner hour. O'Brian sat almost catatonic, unable to touch her dinner or look at anyone in the eye. While the panic of the afternoon had died off, the pace of her heart had never slowed and she felt like it was about to burst out of her chest. She didn't dwell on that, but instead, couldn't stop thinking that she'd never be able to trust herself again with anyone or anything.

O'Brian certainly didn't notice Mrs. Hughes sitting next to her, shaken and white as a sheet. Elise had felt well enough to get up around lunchtime and had gone back to work, much to Carson's chagrin. But she felt like she'd been having a panic attack, ever since Lady Grantham's fall and in a way she felt guilty, wondering if the impeding incident was really what she'd been feeling when she hadn't wanted to get up that morning. Either way, the whole thing hit far too close to home and made her even more anxious about the wellbeing of her own unborn baby. That morning she'd been so afraid she'd loose it and what happened to Cora was a harsh reminder of how easily that could happen.

Elsie wanted to cry and reached under the table when no one was looking, gripping her husband's hand for comfort. He squeezed it warmly, wanting in the worst way to take her in his arms and hold her. The day had been a jarring reminder for him as well about how easy it would be for them to loose the child they wanted so much. He knew it would be hard to discuss it because she was so upset, but he felt more determined now than ever to discuss her workload with her, thinking it might literally save their child's life.

"What a long faced lot." Thomas remarked suddenly.

"Kindly show some respect." Carson replied sharply.

"She didn't loose it. And even if she had she would've gotten over it. They're no bigger than a hamster at that stage."

Carson could feel his wife squeeze his hand harder when Thomas said this. He turned to her, sensing her pain, shutting out everyone else's ardent protests to the footman's almost acrimonious speech. Elsie looked at him longingly, tears in her eyes. Normally, she would've said something sharp to Thomas about his being so heartless, but this time his words really bothered her. Her baby, after all, wasn't even as big as a hamster. And she'd never get over loosing it.

The way Thomas spoke made it sound as if her child had no value at all, like no one would care if she lost it and she shouldn't either…it may seem ridiculous, but she found something about his remark almost threatening, and if nothing else heartbreaking, as if he were reminding her she and her child didn't have a fighting chance if something went wrong at this stage. Even Cora, who was something like six weeks ahead of Elsie, was immensely lucky to not have miscarried.

Elsie put her head down, lost in thought, trying hard to hide her tear-stained face. She knew everyone was arguing but the lump in her stomach made it hard to focus: she was suddenly alarmed by the realization she didn't feel well at all. She felt Charlie let go of her hand but paid no mind, jumping suddenly, her heart beat accelerating at rapid speed when Thomas and William landed on the table in front of her, bringing her wandering mind back to the present.

"Thomas that's enough!" She heard her husband bark as he and Branson moved in quickly to break up the fight.

Elsie's heart started beating so fast it felt like it was jumping into her throat. She could scarcely breathe and got up, covering her mouth and running to her sitting room, not caring about how it looked to anyone. She needed to get out of there. Charlie followed once he broke the fight up, concern written all over his face.

"Elsie my love, are you alright?" He asked, taking her into his arms.

"A hamster." She muttered through her tears.

"Shu, I know. You mustn't let Thomas get to you like this."

"Do I ever?"

"You are right now."

"Charlie I don't want to loose my baby."

"Shu, shu, shu. It's going to be alright my love."

"Charlie I'm scared…I didn't tell you. I felt like something wasn't quite right this morning and I'm scared."

"Oh my love, I did too and that's what I've been meaning to discuss with you."

"What?"

"It's time you take it easy, rest, stay off of your feet."

"You're not saying you want me to retire?" She asked. She did not want to retire.

"No and we can't retire, not now anyway."

"Why?"

"Because if we do we can't afford to feed our child Elsie."

"Oh..." She hadn't realized. Her heart sunk.

"We're doing very well, we have money set aside but things would be too tight right now: most of your salary goes to Becky, remember?"

"Oh yes…"

"I'm just asking you to start slowing down."

"But Charlie I can't I have…"

"You can and you will. We'll all manage. I've been thinking: you've been working far too hard for my tastes."

"But Charlie…"

"Like I told you in the beginning, no wife of mine is going to be pregnant and on her feet twelve hours a day. I simply won't have it. I think Lady Grantham's incident should be a warning for us about your slowing down, don't you?" She nodded. "Besides. You're going to have to slow down you know… sooner or later; your body will demand it. You got a taste of that this morning."

"I suppose I did."

"Don't worry about work. Let things go by the wayside. Sit down when you feel like it, nap, do whatever you need and I'll make sure to fill in the gaps: Anna and me. Your health is what's most important not to mention the baby's life!"

"You're a very protective Daddy aren't you?" She asked, sniffling as she wrapped her arms around him.

"Yes, yes I am." He leaned his forehead against hers.

"You're so wonderful, you and your way of always making me feel like it'll all be alright." She whispered, rubbing her nose against his.

"I could say the same of you. I'm so sorry, my Elsie."

"For what?"

He sighed. "Not being there sooner, not knowing, not taking all this extra work off of you. I should've been doing so much for you and instead I was in London…"

"Oh Charlie you needn't feel sorry for all that." She rubbed her nose against his.

"But I should've known…"

"How could you when I didn't!" She laughed.

"It- it just hurts me…it…it makes me feel like I failed you."

"Oh Charlie Carson the last thing on earth ya could ever do was fail me!" She cried.

"You don't know how overwhelmed I am to hear that." He said, tears in his eyes. He was touched.

"Charlie I love you and I respect the choices you make so I will slow down, as you wish: when the garden party's over."

"But Elsie…"

"It's just one more day." She kissed his nose. "And the party its self is always a bit of a rest for me. I can relax, enjoy the fruits of my labor…"

He sighed. "Alright, but only if you rest. I couldn't stand the thought of anything happening to my girls."

"Your girls?" She smiled.

"Yes: you and the baby."

"You want a girl?" She blushed.

"Very, very much." He confided, leaning his forehead against hers.

…..

Several Days Later

"Mrs. Hughes?" Dr. Clarkson asked.

"Hmmm… what happened?" Elsie asked, opening her eyes wide as she looked up suddenly, surprised by her surroundings.

The last thing she knew she'd been walking around the party and now she found herself under a tent, laying back in a chair next to Lady Grantham who was spending the party convalescing, recovering from her near miscarriage several days before. Elsie's heart began to pound when she realized she was there with her, Cora staring back with loving concern in her eyes. Charlie and Dr. Clarkson were both there as well.

"W-What happened?" She asked again, beginning to panic. Charlie took her hand.

"Mrs. Hughes." Dr. Clarkson began again. "Or can I use Mrs. Carson?" He whispered.

"If it's just my husband and Lady Grantham then yes, please, I'd prefer Mrs. Carson …how did I get here?" She asked desperately, feeling comforted when she realized her husband didn't seem too upset.

"Mrs. Carson I'm afraid you passed out." The doctor informed as Charlie kissed the top of her head.

"And they moved you here."

"Oh…and the baby?!" she was afraid but desperate to ask at the same time.

"As far as I can tell, the baby's doing fine. You are very lucky, but I want you to stay hydrated, keep off of your feet as much as you can. I told you this was delicate, you're pushing yourself much too far."

"But, for now, she's alright?"

"Just fine. For now. Lady Grantham's been generous enough to have you stay with her."

"Yes, please do." Cora begged.

"And I think it would be a good idea if you had some kind of snack, perhaps we can get Thomas to…"

"No, no." Carson laughed, not wanting Thomas upsetting her right then. "I know what she likes, I will get it."

"Charlie, the chocolate covered strawberries, please."

"Very well my love."

Dr. Clarkson left before Charlie returned, reassuring her that she and the baby were fine and leaving her alone with Lady Grantham.

"Mrs. Hughes." Cora said quietly as Daisy passed, not wanting to give her away by calling her Mrs. Carson.

"I'm so sorry m'lady about…"

"No, no." Cora soothed. "No. It's all right. I insisted that you come and sit with me."

Elsie was surprised when Cora reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly. She couldn't help but show her shock, staring back for a moment, but then she accepted, squeezing her hand back.

"I figure." Cora continued. "That as long as the babies be friends, real friends, so should we. I mean who better to get through this with than each other."

"I-I'd like that m'lady."

"When we're alone, it can be Cora."

Elsie looked back in surprise again, wondering why she'd want this. "Only if I can be Elsie."

"Elsie it is."

Truthfully, Cora saw an opportunity in this friendship. She'd always liked Mrs. Hughes, and now that they were going through this very unique thing of having a baby at the same time, and at their age… well she just didn't think she could find another friend who had so much in common with her in these very important ways. She'd already experienced her share of disapproval from people about her being pregnant at this age and didn't like it. Robert had taken a little time to approve of the idea of this new friendship, but he had. Mary didn't understand it (even though she loved Carson) and the whole idea of her mother befriending Mrs. Hughes made Sybil feel both hopeful and delighted.

"I hear congratulations are in order Carson." Mary whispered, coming up beside him as he was filling a plate of the chocolate strawberries for Elsie.

"What do you mean m'lady?" He asked, carefully checking to see that no one else was around.

"Mama told me. Don't worry its just me who knows." She kissed Carson's cheek, he seemed bewildered for a moment, but then understood suddenly when she whispered: "You'll make a wonderful Daddy, Carson I've always thought so."

"Thank you m'lady." He whispered. He went back to Elsie, unable to wipe the smile from his face.

"Thank you love." Elsie smiled warmly when he came and kneeled beside her.

"I'm so relieved you're alright."

"So am I." She beamed.

"Are you alright?" Mrs. Patmore asked, rushing up to Elsie, Daisy in tow.

They'd been in the house when she fainted and rushed out to find out what happened as soon as they could. Soon Anna, Bates, William, O'Brian and Gwen were all gathered around them, eager to know what had happened. None of them said it but they were also dying to know why she was lounging in Lady Grantham's tent with her and why Carson was sitting there beside her, feeding her strawberries.

"It seems like a good a time as any." Carson said suddenly.

Cora listened carefully kind of amused by the fact that none of them seemed bothered by her presence. In an odd way, she liked being treated so casually by the servants; it seemed more normal somehow, at least momentarily.

"I suppose you're right. You start." She told him.

"The truth is Mrs. Hughes and I have something to tell you all." Carson said, taking his wife's hand.

"That I'm not Mrs. Hughes." She smiled.

"No she's not, not at all."

"Then who are ya?" Daisy asked, her mind racing.

"It's Mrs. Carson." Elsie informed and they all gave a collective gasp.

"How long have you been keeping this from us?" Thomas asked.

"Since longer than you've been at this house." Carson cleared his throat.

"B-but what about from me?" Beryl was hurt.

"We hid it for a very long time." Elise confessed. "I'm sorry if it hurts any of you; but we really had our reasons for keeping this private, but now we have a reason ta tell you." She squeezed Charlie's hand.

"It's also the reason she passed out."

"Which is?!" Mrs. Patmore asked anxiously.

"I'm going to have a baby!" Elsie beamed.

Anna and Mrs. Patmore were instantly excited and got down to hug Elsie.

"So." Thomas whispered to O'Brian. "When should I expect you to start eating from trees?" Her eyes widened, amazed he'd recalled her 'if she has a boyfriend, them I'm a giraffe' comment from over a year before.

"This is such wonderful news, a baby downstairs too!" Mrs. Patmore squealed.

"Yes, we're very happy for you." Bates smiled.

"Thank you Mr. Bates." Carson accepted.

"Now listen. Anything you need me to do, just say the world!" Beryl added. "I know I musta been a horrible burden to ya and I'm sorry. But now that my sight is restored I'll do yar extra work, and make you whatever you like and..."

"Oh that's very kind Mrs. Patmore."

"Really, anything, any time, just ask."

"Same with me." Anna smiled.

"Me as well." Daisy added. She was impressed with herself in that moment. She never considered herself very intelligent, or worldly, but she'd figured out, two weeks prior that something life-altering had happened to Carson and Mrs. Hughes and she'd been correct.

"What is going on here?" Robert raised an eyebrow as the crowd of his downstairs staff begun to disperse. He got down on his knees and kissed his wife on the cheek.

"We beg your pardon, m'lord." Carson said quickly, hoping it everyone wouldn't feel the need to say it now that he had.

"Robert everyone's just found out about the Carson's baby." Cora informed.

"Oh!" He understood, smiling suddenly. "Congratulations again. Are you alright Mrs. Carson? I heard about your fainting spell."

"Yes, yes, quite alright m'lord, thank you."

"M'lord! M'lord!" Thomas called, running quickly toward the tent. He'd left the gathering after teasing O'Brian, only to be given a message for Lord Grantham when he reached the driveway.

"Thomas, what is it?" They all looked up, alarmed.

"A message." He said, out of breath. "M'lord."

Robert opened the sealed message, sorrow immediately evident in his widening eyes. He swallowed nervously, not addressing his wife or servants and ran out into the midst of the party, calling everyone to attention.

"My lords, ladies and gentlemen." He called, his face falling. "I very much regret to inform you: we are at war with Germany."


	4. The Summer of 1896

Ch 4- The Summer of 1896

October 1914

"Charlie I'll be fine." She insisted. "It's only a couple of hours away, I'll be back around dinner I promise."

"Yes but…"

"I'll be on the train. I won't walk much, it won't be too stressful." She promised.

"But it's Becky."

"Yes: it's Becky."

"And she… stresses you."

She sighed. "Yes, yes she does, but I have to go and see her. It's been months Charlie and now's my last chance for a little while. I can't do it when I get any bigger…"

"Alright, alright. I just wish you'd let me come with you, or take Anna."

"No, ya know Becky is someone I have ta see on my own."

"Yes." He paused. He'd been married to Elsie nearly two decades and had only met her sister a handful of times. "Come with me."

"What?"

"Come with me." He smiled, extending his hand to her. "I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise?" She asked.

It was late in the evening, just before sunset and he was in her sitting room with her, watching as she packed a bag for the day trip she was going to take tomorrow.

"A surprise." He smiled, leading her out into the kitchen.

"Here you are love birds, all packed."Mrs. Patmore enthused, handing Carson a picnic basket she'd just packed.

"What's this all about?" Elsie asked, surprised.

"I'll tell you when we get there." Carson kissed the side of her head.

….

"W-where are we?" She asked when they finally stopped.

The two walked for a while after leaving the abbey and finally paused atop a little hill just as it was starting to get dark. The sunset cast a perfect shadow on this beautiful little stone house below, just as the fireflies were coming out for the night to play.

"Come on, you'll see." He said, keeping his arm locked with hers as he led her toward the house.

"Who lives here?" She inquired, wondering if they were visiting someone.

He said nothing and opened the door. The house was dark and Elsie's eyes lit up when she saw dozens upon dozens of lit candles lining a small, dining room table. Charlie pulled out a chair for her, helping her to sit and placed the picnic basket on the table.

"Charlie where are we?"

"Home." He smiled, taking her hands.

"Home?" She asked hopefully.

"Welcome home my love."

Elsie stared back in amazement.

"Oh Charlie really?" Her eyes sparkled.

"Really."

"I-I knew we were getting one but… but this is…"

"Lord Grantham made it a wedding present. It's ours."

"It's what…"

"It's ours."

Elsie's eyes widened. "W…"

"I know." He said. "I needed a while to process it too."

"That's so kind." She smiled, tears in her eyes.

"He said it was the least he could do for the years we've spent running his house…. and I'm sorry it's so dark, the electricity's not back on yet."

"E-electricity!"

"Yes. Elsie by the time our child is a teenager it'll be 1930, can you believe that: 1930… wouldn't it seem much to not have electricity by 1930?"

"I suppose." She said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "My Charlie this is a wonderful surprise." He beamed.

Carson felt a little upset that he had received the house rather than paid for it when he could've afforded to, but his wife's joy and surprise made it worth it to him.

"I'd hoped you'd think so." He smiled.

"Oh I do."

"I know I should've brought you here in daylight when…"

"No. No Charlie this: this is perfect!"

Carson was glad of that, and thought his heart was about to burst when he saw her smile deeply.

"Elsie Hughes?"

"Hummm?" She looked up suddenly.

"I'm so glad you snuck away with me."

"What!? Oh!" She gasped. "Oh Charlie, I'm so glad I snuck away with you too."

It was a private thing of theirs, an inside joke, if you will, about their marriage. It'd all happened very quickly back in the summer of 1896. In some way, Elsie still couldn't tell you how it all came together like that, only that she was glad that it had. At the time, she was the new maid at Downton and even from her first moments there it'd been obvious to her that Carson, the butler, had noticed her. Elsie could remember being very flattered at the thought. She had had very few romantic interludes in her life, save the proposal she'd received from Joe Burns only several weeks before.

Elsie had not been interested in Joe, at least not as more than a friend. But she found that simply being around Mr. Carson gave her butterflies in her stomach and made her heart start to beat rapidly. She couldn't help but smile when he walked into a room, and worse, blush when he spoke to her, which was quite often. The worst part was that she was clumsy when he was around and would make the worst of mistakes. All these things were very unlike her, and worse extremely embarrassing. She'd never experienced anything like it before in her life and hated that they all gave her away: she liked him and he knew it.

When Carson reflected on their first few weeks of knowing each other, he recalled he had been nervous as humanly possible and that part of him didn't want to pursue her, too afraid of what he thought would be inevitable rejection. And then there was another part of him, one that resided deep inside and never rested, it ate at his psyche and even his soul, compelling him to engage with her whatever the costs. In hindsight there'd been moments when he'd felt like every breath depended on contact with Elsie Hughes.

By late July, Elsie had been at Downton just shy of a month. The family was away and most of the servants save the valets and ladies maids had stayed behind and were having a party, one that was a bit wild for Carson's standards. After all, he is Carson. Instead of calling everything to order, he watched Elsie who sat on in the corner watching everyone dance and drink and make a general fool of themselves. Carson though of asking her to dance but quickly changed his mind.

"Would you like to sneak away with me?" He asked quietly extending his hand to her.

She looked up wide-eyed and surprised, suddenly smiling as she took his hand.

The two left Downton together that night for what they thought would be an evening stroll, which turned into an evening out, and then a make out session Elsie had not expected. Elsie smiled at the thought. It happened after they'd gone to dinner somewhere she couldn't even remember where. It didn't matter they were too transfixed on each other that night to care about that kind of thing. Wherever it was, it'd been late when they finally left the restaurant and he found himself finally brave enough to kiss her. He'd done it just once simply and he was thrilled it'd made her smile.

They snuck away under the cover of night, finding the most private spot they could before continuing the kiss. Elsie looked back on that night with fondness for so many reasons, one was that she'd had never really been kissed before, not like that. Her pulse raced as they pursued each other, it was only then she realized how much she must really like…or maybe even love him. But it was her realization about Carson, who was ever the proper man, that'd really made her heart flutter. Those were very different times than now, a man and a woman sitting out in a field, kissing in the middle of the night would've been considered very risqué. There would've been scandal had they ever been found out. She knew Carson would have to have known this and yet he didn't care. By the end of it they found themselves three towns over (completely sober, mind you) and in a courthouse getting married.

"I can't live without you." He'd said, pulling away from her, but leaning his forehead against hers.

She sighed, still in a little bit of a daze. Her eyes were closed and she sat there with him, relishing the feel of having him so close as the warm July breeze floated through her hair. She paused, wondering if it would be right to confess that she loved him.

"A-and." He paused, nervous now, wondering if he was really about to do this. She sighed happily and in a moment he knew he had to follow his heart. "And I would love it if you would marry me."

He'd never been so nervous or felt so venerable in his life as he did in those moments between his 'marry me' and her 'yes.' For a moment he even wondered why he was asking this girl who made him do crazy things like kiss her in a field in the middle of the night, to marry him. But then he realized he was right, he hadn't just said it to say it: he didn't think he could live without her.

She stared back, completely shocked when she heard him ask this. Marriage? A mix of emotions ran through her head. For a moment she was flattered and then awed, then scared… and suddenly she started to laugh softly, finding it funny she'd experienced so much trepidation with regard to Joe's proposal and that with Charlie her answer had been almost instant.

"W-what's wrong?" He asked, his eyes growing obviously sad.

"Oh yes, yes of course I'll marry you, my Charlie!" She cried, throwing her arms around him and beginning to kiss him again.

He felt such love and relief wash over him the moment he heard her reply. In hindsight, he didn't know if he'd ever been so elated before or since, or if anything in the world could ever match the joy he'd experienced when she said yes.

In total, Charlie and Elsie spent a day and a half away from Downton, not returning until very early the morning the family was due back at the house. No one noticed they'd been gone, save Mrs. Patmore who'd never said a thing to them about it, and as the years went on totally forgot about the incident until the day she learned they were married.

Elsie remembered helping her new husband greet the family as they returned from the social season in London, Lady Grantham obviously pregnant now. It was then that Elsie decided she wanted a child: soon. They'd talked about it during their brief honeymoon and figured it would happen anyway, maybe in a year, or a year and a half…

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Carson asked. Elsie jumped, returning from her daydream.

For a moment it had been 1896 again and while Elsie had been remembering the joy of her engagement, her mind had started to drift toward the sorrow of barrenness. It'd pained her for years and had been a sorrow she couldn't describe even to Charlie. She smiled down at her middle, brushing her side softly before she spoke.

"Yes." She smiled. "Charlotte and I will be just fine when we go see Becky."

"Who is Charlotte?" He raised an eyebrow.

"The baby. She's going to be Charlotte… if she's a girl." She said. "I want to name her after you: Charlie and Charlotte."

"That's funny, I wanted the same thing, to call her Elspeth."

"Elspeth. Charlie you wanted to name her after me?" She smiled, touched by his suggestion.

"Yes." He laughed. "I suppose we don't think that differently, do we?"

"No one's called me Elspeth in years…you never have." She observed.

"No, but it's your name and I think its perfect."

She blushed, tears in her eyes. "Charlie that's so sweet...you never tire of being sweet to me, but that…"

"You don't like it?"

"It's a very Scottish name." She confessed, wanting to ask him why he thought she went by Elsie instead. Well, it was _a_ reason she went by Elsie.

"What's wrong with that?" He asked. "You're Scottish."

"She'll be English." She reminded. "Like you."

"That's true…"

"We shouldn't decide yet… dance with me."

"Humm?"

"I never told you I…it's silly."

"What?"

"I knew we'd have a home of our own someday…and when we did I always just…well I wanted do dance with you the first night."

Charlie smiled at the thought, thinking it sounded very sweet. He stood and offered her his hand. "Well then." He said. "May I have this dance?"

…

Elsie was exhausted when she got on the train. She closed her eyes, allowing her head to hit the back of the seat. Visiting Becky was always a chore if nothing else, and doing it while even this pregnant (Elsie was five months now), had been one of the most tiresome experiences of her life. Seeing Becky always made her sad, and at the same time, made her so happy she had Charlie to go home to.

She'd tried hard to get Becky to understand the concept that she was going to be an aunt. For most of the visit the idea simply passed the woman by, the obvious change in her older sister an afterthought to her. It wasn't until the end of her visit that she suddenly understood…and got excited.

Elsie had been relieved by this, but that didn't mean she didn't come away still heartsick that her sister was the way she was: it'd been forty-three years since they figured out that Becky wasn't quite right in the head, and still somehow it made Elsie sad.

Elsie gasped, her eyes opening wide, horrified at the sudden thought that perhaps whatever it was that was wrong with her sister could be… inherited.

"No, no that'd be much too much. Besides. The baby's not all me: he's half Charlie half me…." She whispered, trying to reason with herself.

But for a few moments the fear gripped her. What if something was wrong, what if it was why she and Charlie had been unable to have a child until now… Elsie, who sat alone in a private compartment on the train car, let her mind runaway with her for a few moments.

"Oh! Ohh."

She was almost starting to panic when suddenly she felt something in her side. It didn't really hurt but it was strange and she winced from the uncomfortable feeling. She paused for a moment, panicked now because she wondered what it was and she hadn't a clue. It came again and suddenly she smiled, bringing her hand to that spot.

"Oh. Hello my darling." She whispered tears coming to her eyes, when she realized it was simply the baby moving.

Without another thought the fear faded away and she was consumed with the feel of her child's kicks. She was overwhelmed; this whole thing suddenly becoming very real in a whole knew way, like the child was something more than just imagined now. He or she was slowly becoming less of an enigma all the time but this was the biggest milestone they'd reached together so far. Elsie knew instantaneously that everything was fine and she'd been petrified without cause. She couldn't wait to get home and share her news with Charlie.

…..

Elsie had been wrong about arriving in time for dinner and was quite a bit late. Carson found himself worried to death about his wife and because there was nothing else he could do about it went to work polishing silver that did not need to be polished. He found himself even more anxious than before when he finished, realizing she still was not home. He came out into the hall, with a frantic mind and a heavy heart, prepared to go out and start looking for her. He stopped suddenly, sighing with relief when he saw her standing there, smiling brightly.

"Oh, Elsie!" He hugged her tight.

"I'm sorry I was a little late." She said as he took her hand and began to lead her to the kitchen.

"It's alright love I'm just glad you're here. Come on, I have a surprise for you."

"And I have one for you."

"Oh?" He asked pleasantly, very shocked by the idea she had a surprise for him too.

He helped her to sit at the kitchen table and told her to close her eyes. Elise placed her hands back on the baby, whose kicks had gradually grown stronger throughout the afternoon. She thought she was a bit obsessed now, but loved the idea of connecting with her child.

"Open." He said and she did.

"Strawberry ice cream! Oh Charlie that was so thoughtful!" She said, beginning to eat without hesitation.

"Don't thank me." He laughed, taking a small spoonful for himself. "It's Mrs. Patmore, she thought you'd want a treat when you came back."

"She was right." She smiled.

"H-how did it go?"

Elsie shrugged. "Bad at first, it ended alright. You know how she is. It took her forever to understand about the baby but when I left she was happy about it. You know." Elsie said, preparing to change the subject. "I don't even like strawberries or strawberry ice cream very much." She whispered.

"I know that, which is why _this_ is a bit suspicious."

"I think the baby must really, really adore it though." She speculated.

Strawberries had been the thing Elsie'd been craving most all these months. It was something she didn't understand and was a bit disgusted by. She usually didn't like them, but now she couldn't get enough of them.

"Elsie."

"Yes."

"Elsie I've been thinking, Charlotte's a lovely name if you like it and I approve."

"Charlie I'd been thinking the same of Elspeth, its lovely, especially you like it." He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"I think now I love them both." He laughed. "Don't worry we'll decide soon enough."

"Alright, but tomorrow, let's be sure to disagree on boy's names, alright?" She teased and he laughed.

"That sounds wonderful."

"Oh-ooh." She winced, her hand going to her side. That kick _had_ hurt.

"What's wrong?" He asked, alarmed.

She quickly grabbed his hand and pressed it flat against her abdomen, watching as his eyes filled with wonder.

"Is that…?"

She smiled, her eyes bright. "It's exactly what you think it is Daddy."

"That's amazing…it makes her so very…"

"Real?" She asked.

"Yes. Incredibly real."

A few moments passed and she just watched him. He didn't remove his hand from her stomach he just waited there.

"You know what I was thinking earlier, when I first felt it?"

"No."

"I was thinking that I didn't care anymore that I had to wait eighteen years for this, because I can already tell I've been waiting for someone very special."

"Now that I could not agree with more. I love you, Mrs. Hughes."

"I love you more Mr. Carson, I promise." She kissed him very gently.

"I'll never ever be able to thank you enough." He said. "For sneaking away with me."

"Nor I for your asking." She whispered, leaning in to kiss him again.


	5. Godmothers and Old Maids

Ch 5- Godmothers and Old Maids

"Good morning Mrs. Hughes." Carson greeted, kissing her shoulder softly.

Elsie giggled. While his intonation sounded very formal his body language was anything but. She smiled deeply turning over to face him. He wrapped his arms around her, and she allowed herself to melt into his strong embrace, kissing him sweetly as the warm, silky sheets enveloped them both.

"Good morning Mr. Carson." She whispered, her Scottish brogue seeming heavier than usual because she was still sleepy.

He smiled, finding her voice adorable and kissed the tip of her nose. Elsie closed her eyes and sighed, never wanting to move from that spot.

"This is my dream come true." He told her.

"Hmmm." She smiled, her eyes still closed.

Elsie thought this was the ultimate way to wake up: in a quiet house instead of the loud, busy servant's quarters, in the softest most spacious bed she'd ever slept in, and best of all, in the strong embrace of her love.

"We live in the open now as husband and wife." He reminded, nuzzling her. "We share a bed and a home…and everyone knows it."

"I feel honest now, I don't know about you."

"I feel as if I've made you honest."

"Hmmm, no you did that eighteen years ago. You did that the first night you kissed me when we snuck off and you made me your wife. No Charlie, you were always honorable. It was us together who wasn't honest with everyone else."

A couple of months had passed and it was Christmas time. It was a busy time of the year at Downton but the couple had decided to take the morning off and spend it at home together. It had snowed heavily the night before and neither of them wanted to make the journey to the house just yet. Elsie smiled, feeling her small feet intertwine with his much larger ones. It'd been more than two months since they moved into the house but the newfound freedom to be with her husband whenever she liked was still surreal and neither was used to it yet.

"How's our baby?" He asked suddenly.

"Oh? Doing somersaults still. Can't you feel?" She asked, surprised because her stomach was pressed up against his.

"No. And I'm so sorry."

"No, no. It feels nice. Here. Feel him. I'm half asleep, but he's wide awake."

"It's a him all of a sudden?" He laughed, his hand caressing her stomach.

"He could be a boy. I wouldn't be at all opposed to having a little boy."

"Just as long as you are his mother and I his father, I don't particularly care either." Without another word he leaned in to kiss her.

Both of them actually thought a lot about this question but didn't talk about it. They figured there was no point in making a choice given that it was something completely out of their control. Elsie had wanted a baby forever and planned on adoring whatever child she happened to be blessed with having. She'd gone back and forth several times though; sometimes having a gut feeling it was a girl, and then changing it back to boy on a whim. Carson knew he'd love whatever child she gave him, but he really wished for a daughter. He thought it was his heart's greatest desire but he didn't dwell on it much. How could he? You don't when you're playing with the things you want most in the world…

Mrs. Patmore however, made not thinking about it difficult for them both. Months before, Carson had solicited the cook to help him watch over his wife. He had only wanted an extra pair of eyes to make sure she wasn't working too hard, assist her if she needed a rest and of course: cater to her food cravings. But Beryl, being the excitable person she could sometimes be, doted on Elsie for the benefit of the unborn baby whom she enthusiastically insisted was a girl.

"You don't know that Mrs. Patmore." He'd heard Elsie protest the day before as he passed by the kitchen.

"Well sure I do, just look at yarself!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" She'd asked, digging into the bowl of fruit and chocolate that Beryl put down in front of her.

Elsie had, had an insatiable taste for fruit as of late and being that it was almost winter now, it was getting more and more difficult to come by.

"Well let's see." Mrs. Patmore began. "You only crave sweets and fruit."

"And your point being?" Elsie asked as she ate. "Pregnant women crave all sorts of strange foods."

Daisy peered over and looked into Elsie's bowl as she said this, finding her snack of strawberries, raspberries, blueberries and chocolate very odd. Today it would seem like a very sweet, somewhat healthy snack, but back in 1914 it was strange at best.

"Your hair's redder than it was." Beryl continued.

"I've _**always**_ had red in my hair." She defended.  
"You're becoming very round."

"E-I'm pregnant I'm supposed to get…round!" She addressed sharply.

"And then here's that."

"What?" She was exasperated now.

"You're being quite difficult now aren't you?"

"What?!"

"Moody. Moody, moody even since the beginning of the summer. You've got all the signs and that's how you know."

"All the signs for what?"

"Don't you see? Those are the girl signs."

Elsie rolled her eyes, very annoyed with the cook. She'd been trying to prove this to her everyday for over a month now, since she'd first allowed her to test out one of the old wives tales about gender prediction, foolishly figuring it could do no harm.

"They're just old wives tales Mrs. Patmore, they don't…"

"They've worked for everyone I've ever known." She defended. "And they'll work for you too."

Carson wished Beryl wouldn't go on trying to convince Elsie of anything she didn't want to be convinced of. It stressed her and that was the last thing he wanted. Moreover, he knew it made her angry. Elsie was excited about not knowing what to expect, and anticipated finding out when the baby was born and not a moment sooner.

And more than even that, there was himself to consider. He wanted a daughter, after all, but didn't want all of Mrs. Patmore's ideas to get his hopes up. At the same time, he couldn't help but allow himself to smile when he heard of all Beryl's reasonings. They were all true observations of his wife if nothing else, and part of him liked to think she might be right in the fact that they were indicative of expecting a girl.

"We have to choose a godmother." Elsie said, calling him back to the present moment. She shut her eyes and curled up to him once more. She was bone tired.

"I'm still fine with what we decided." He informed. "But I think Mrs. Patmore will be quite upset."

Elsie sighed. "I know. I don't want to upset her and I would trust her with the baby in a heartbeat but…the whole point was for it to be someone younger than us and Beryl's older than me so…"

"Anna is a wonderful choice. I just feel like it's too big a responsibility…"

"No." She laughed. "No Anna's got her head on straight. I'd want her to raise our baby if something happened to us. Besides; if I die she gets my job, why not my child too?"

"Don't speak of such things!"

"I had to address it, love." She reminded, kissing his cheek. "Hmmm why is he so active when his Mummy wants to nap?" She groaned.

…

"Are you sure this is something you really want to do?" Cora asked her youngest daughter, a hint of panic in her voice.

"Yes Mama." Sybil laughed kindly. "I'll only be gone for two weeks, I'll be back in time for Christmas and everything."

"I don't know. I still don't like the idea of your doing this." Cora admitted. "Isn't there something else you could do to be of help?"

"Oh let her go, one of us has to leave the nest sometime." Mary snapped, rolling her eyes. Cora stared back for a moment, her oldest child's frustration with her own life obvious in the comment.

"And besides." Edith added. "She's doing something wonderful."

Cora took a breath, raising her eyebrow in guarded skepticism.

"Mary, Edith could you leave Sybil and I alone for a moment?"

Her oldest two filed out of the room, leaving Cora to argue her case. Edith said nothing but Mary mumbled muffled protests to herself that Cora couldn't quite make out.

"I'm going whatever you say." Sybil reminded, smiling.

Cora sighed. She was torn as she could tell her daughter was clearly excited about her adventure. "I-I know you are. I just…I want to be sure this is the right path for you that's all. You do know the rather… _grim_ realities of what you're getting into, right?"

"Of course! Cousin Isobel talked with me about all of it. I'm really interested and committed…really Mama, truly!"

Cora smiled half-heartedly, noting her daughter's eyes light up at the mention of the work she was going off to learn to do.

"Alright." She sighed. "But please, there's no shame in coming home if it proves to be…not your cup of tea."

"It won't but thank you!" Sybil leaned down to hug her pregnant mother. "It means so much to have your approval…although I'd do it without it."

Cora laughed as she hugged her and kissed her cheek.

"I know. Oh look at you, my first baby to leave the nest."

Sybil laughed, going back to her open suitcase.

"I'm not a baby Mama, but she is." All the girls were convinced they were getting a sister, but Cora thought otherwise. "Think about her and don't worry about me. I'll be just fine." Sybil reassured, but Cora's heart sunk.

…

Elsie often felt her worst during the day when she was at Downton. Supervising the maids was perhaps the hardest part of her day because it required her to be quick on her feet, which she was not. It was always during these moments that she most felt all the distinct changes that had happened within her over the past few months. Everything from her swollen feet to the weight of the baby inside her taxed her body and her spirit. Fortunately this morning she was able to give the task over to Anna and instead go meet with Lady Grantham.

"Morning m'lady." She said, stepping into the sitting room. She didn't call her Cora only because William was there.

"Good morning Mrs. Carson." She smiled, but Elsie could tell something was troubling her. "How are you today?"

"Oh truthfully a bit tired, m'lady."

"William?" Cora asked. "Could you please bring Mrs. Carson and I some tea and those chocolate truffles I asked Mrs. Patmore to make."

"Yes m'lady."

The moment William left, Elsie went and sat down next to her.

"I'm exhausted too." Cora told her.

"Cora…" Elsie still wasn't used to addressing her this way, or speaking to her casually. "You seem upset, may I ask what's wrong?"

"Its Lady Sybil's leaving, you see."

"Oh." She understood.

"Thank you William." Cora said, surprised he was back with the tray so suddenly. "Please let us know when the nanny we're interviewing arrives."

"Yes m'lady." He said, leaving the room.

"I'm just… I don't like the idea of her doing this nursing thing, or of her leaving… I mean if it were Mary or Edith maybe I'd be more comfortable. But Sybil's my baby!"

"I was about her age when I left Argyle on my own for the first time."

Cora had been pouring the tea, her head snapped up and she looked straight back at Elsie.

"R-really?"

"Yes, I may've been a little younger than her even."

"Oh Elsie I'm sorry."

"I'm not. I needed to get out of there. There was nothing for me there and I was not the type to marry a farmer and have nine children." She laughed, rubbing her stomach softly. This struck a chord with Cora; she felt the same about leaving America.

At one time, Elsie and Charlie had wanted five or six children of their own…while that was a far, far cry from nine, both of them now realized that having just one was ideal for them and always would've been, certainly that couldn't have been her lot had she been a farmer's wife in Argyle.

"No, I can't see you that way." Cora conceded, wondering for a moment if something similar was true of Sybil.

Perhaps she was not met for the life she'd been raised for? It was plain to see that Mary lived for it in every conceivable way. But suddenly, Cora began to wonder if she could see Sybil, who was so independent and vivacious and forward thinking, _('so American'_ she thought for a second), living in this environment for the rest of her life… truly she could not.

"My Mother was upset as well, but it was for the best. She later came to understand that, especially after I came here and did well, and married Mr. Carson: she loved him."

"That does make me feel better Elsie, thank you."

Truthfully, Cora was still upset even though she knew that there was little or no logical basis for her angst. Deep inside, she understood that Sybil was intended for a different type of life. But it still didn't change the fact that she was going to be her first child to leave the nest, and in a way she'd never expected. She'd been told the war would change everything and while she'd believed it, she hadn't understood how much that was true before now.

"At least she's not a boy." Elsie observed suddenly. "Then you'd have a real reason to worry."

In that instant, the baby kicked and Cora gulped.

….

Matthew didn't really understand why it was he'd agreed to take a walk with Mary. It was freezing outside and he was due to leave for battle any day now. Mary had crushed him and in a way he'd rather be anywhere on earth but there with her. At the same time, he found she drew him in and he couldn't run away from her if his life depended on it. She'd left him hanging all this time. He'd proposed months ago and he'd yet to get an answer. While he still loved her, he was disgusted with her and felt determined to pry himself away, perhaps permanently.

She, on the other hand, was torn between the possibility of two different kinds of life and terribly confused. On one hand, she feared loosing him, on the other; she feared loosing the kind of life she was accustomed to. Before Matthew it'd been the most important thing in the world to her and now she didn't know what to think of herself or of anything else. She could barely fathom that she was considering being with him whether he was rich or not.

Worst of all, she wondered if she could love anyone but him. She thought perhaps he'd ruined her for other men and she was destined to be an old maid if he didn't take her back. These thoughts were very uncharacteristic of her and extremely unsettling in a way she was having a hard time dealing with and could not confess to anyone.

"I can't believe you're leaving." She said, more than a hint of sadness in her voice.

"You seem awfully melancholy over it, more than I expected." He laughed.

"Melancholy! Matthew I'm horrified!" She said, tears in her eyes. He stared back surprised, this was certainly more emotion than he'd expected from her.

"Melancholy, that's the word I'd use."

"No!"

"Melancholy because it indicates a little less commitment to your sadness doesn't it?" He said, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Matthew I'm devastated it's not supposed to be this way!"

"No." He retorted. "No it's not supposed to be this way; now is it?!"

Mary turned away from him as she continued to cry.

"It was a simple yes or no Mary!"

"But I keep telling you it's not that simple!"

Matthew sighed, deciding to do his best to retain his composure. "I'm secure in who I am Mary, with or without your mother's money and your father's title…are you?"

"Excuse me?" His question was like a punch in the gut and she couldn't believe he'd even asked it.

"Are you anyone without that?"

"H-how…what?!"

"That's what I thought." He laughed and turned, beginning to walk away.

"Wait!" She called.

"You either love me or you don't. That's all there is to it."

"Of course I love you! I love you no matter what you have or who you are! Please believe that!"

"I would but I don't know what to make of your actions Mary, there's only one thing I can think of that…"

"It's not that! Please I just need some more time."

"Seven months that wasn't time enough?!"

Mary started to weep and he sighed taking her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

"I love you Matthew! Please believe me! You have to believe me!"

"Oh Mary." He said softly, taking her face into his hands. "I love you so very much…but you keep telling me you don't want me." He whispered, their faces touching now.

"No, no, no I could never want anyone but you!"

"That maybe. But I think you could _have_ someone other than me…" Mary was about to protest but he continued. "I have two conditions. I'm leaving in a couple of days, but I'll be back around the time the baby is expected…I want my answer by then."

"Oh yes, yes." She cried, clinging to his hands now as they held her face.

"But there's a catch…"

"I knew there had to be."

"I'm challenging you to find yourself. Who are you beyond Downton Abbey?" He smiled, seeing the horror in her eyes when he asked this. "And moreover, if you say yes after the baby arrives and she's a girl then I can not marry you…but if you wait and it's a boy then I'll love you forever."

…

"Are you ready to leave my love?" Carson asked, getting out his wife's coat.

"Oh yes, I am, quite…Charlie you think we better do it now?" She asked suddenly, gesturing toward Mrs. Patmore who was still in the kitchen.

"Yes. Now's a good of a time as any."

Carson and Elsie had asked Anna to be the baby's godmother hours earlier, telling her they wanted her to raise their child if something happened to them. The younger woman had been flattered and delightfully accepted. But the couple still felt bad about Mrs. Patmore because she'd been their friend for so long and was so excited about the baby. Over the course of the day, they'd come to the decision that the baby could have two godmothers: Anna could raise the baby in the event of their death and be a kind of big sister to it. Mrs. Patmore would play the part of a loving aunt figure, which she no doubt planned on doing anyway.

"Goodnight Mrs. Patmore." Elsie said as they came into the kitchen, still buttoning their coats.

"Goodnight, are you going to be warm enough out there it started to snow again…"

"Oh yes. But we did have something we wanted to ask you about." Elsie added.

"Oh?" She smiled.

"Yes." Carson began, wrapping a thick wool blanket around his wife's shoulders. He didn't think her coat was warm enough no matter what she said. "You see earlier in the day, we asked Anna to be the baby's godmother."

"Oh…" They knew in an instant she was upset.

"And a lot of babies, they have a godmother and a godfather but we decided that instead of trying to find a godfather when we didn't really have anyone in mind well why not two godmothers?" Carson explained.

"And that's why we'd be honored if you would the baby's godmother also." Elsie finished..

Beryl paused for a moment seeming to consider this and they worried that she was hurt she'd been asked second.

"Really? I'd love too!" She burst as she started to cry.

"Mrs. Patmore there's no reason to cry." Elsie soothed, pulling her into a hug.

"Oh yes there is! You have no idea how happy I am about this! I'm so excited about the baby and I didn't think that…"

"Of course we'd include you Mrs. Patmore." Carson smiled warmly. "You're like family to us now."

"Yes you are. And we appreciate how much you care, and how much you've done for us in helping us prepare to have the baby. In fact I think so far we couldn't have done it without you."

It was true: Mrs. Patmore had done a lot to help them both. She was making baby clothes because Elsie did not have the time. She was fretting over her working too much. She and Daisy were planning on being with Elsie when she had the baby. And in addition to that, she'd secretly helped Carson with a number of things, not including watching over Elsie as he'd asked.

"We couldn't imagine anyone being the kind of godmother you would be." Elsie continued. "We figured maybe you could be Auntie Beryl or Auntie Patmore."

Mrs. Patmore smiled through her tears, thinking this was lovely. She loved children and hadn't had the opportunity to have her own or spend as much time with her nephews as she would've liked. In a way, she thought of Daisy as her daughter but she was grown and it wasn't the same.

…

After Beryl finally stopped crying, Carson and Elsie finally made their way home in the snow.

"Now that the day is over I have a surprise for you, Mrs. Carson." He said as they walked inside the house.

"Oh?"

It was snowing heavily again and Elise was secretly delighted. It met another winter's morning tucked in a warm bed with the love of her life, instead of a long tiring walk to Downton before dawn.

"Yes. I think you'll love it."

As soon as they took off their coats he grabbed her hand and led her up the narrow staircase to their bedroom. On their way, they passed the tiny bedroom that would be the baby's and Elise lamented that she hadn't had the time to do anything with it yet.

"Now, close your eyes."

"Alright." She agreed, covering her eyes with her hands. He grabbed her arm gently and led her into their room, walking her over to his side of the bed, near the window.

"Now: open. It's the baby's Christmas present."

"Oh Charlie it's beautiful!" She gasped, tears coming to her eyes. "Where did you…"

When she said it was beautiful, Elsie was of course referring to the wooden cradle by their bedside. She was overwhelmed. Even now that she wasn't working nearly as much as she normally would be, she had so much to do that she hadn't had time to make any preparations for the baby, save knitting two blankets, one intended for the potential Charlie, and the other for Charlotte. Obtaining a cradle or was something she'd yet to get to and she'd been worried about it.

"It was mine." He smiled.

"Oh Charlie you remembered!" She squealed. "After all this time."

He laughed. "Yes I did."

"You said." She sniffled. "You told me you'd get me this crib for our baby eighteen years ago and here it is!"

"Yes I did. I got it back from my Aunt who's had it for quite some time now. I've been fixing it up in my spare time… it didn't need much, just some maintenance and a little bit of paint and it's good as new."

It really was. It was old but it was ornate and beautiful. It wasn't lost on her that he'd painted the originally cherry wood crib white, and lined it with pink blankets, yet another sign he was hoping for a girl.

"Charlie it's perfect I love it." She smiled, wiping her eyes.

"You don't need to cry too." He laughed, beginning to dry her tears.

"Oh yes I do." She smiled, hugging him and kissing his nose. "Because you remembered."

"Now that we're living together properly." He said, kissing her gently. "You'll notice that I will make a point to remember everything Mrs. Carson."

"Oh I already know that. You always have."


	6. Beyond Measure

Ch 6- Beyond Measure

Mid-January 1915

"Well, what is it going to be?" Cora asked. Mary jumped, turning to see her very pregnant mother standing in her doorway.

"Oh, Mama." She gasped. "I'm sorry, you scared me I didn't know you were there."

"I'm sorry my dear." Cora smiled. "May I come in?"

"Of course."

"I know we only have a few minutes before the gong. But I thought it was high time we talked about this." Cora said gently, sitting down on Mary's bed.

"About what?" She raised an eyebrow, knowing perfectly well what the subject would be.

"Matthew and your baby sister."

Mary put her head down.

"I know this house and the title and it all means so much to you." Cora continued.

"You make me sound so horribly superficial…so vain."

"No." Cora beamed. "I know there's an awful lot to my Mary, including a good heart, one you hide far too often."

"I want to say yes, but I…"

"Then say it. I know I've told you before; but I really feel you should accept Matthew."

"And if it's a boy?" She said, gesturing toward her mother's midsection.

"So what if he's a boy?" Cora laughed, rubbing her side.

"Mama it changes everything!"

"It changes nothing." She insisted.

"Hmmm. You're American." Mary said pointedly.

"Your point being?" She laughed again.

"Mama I don't think you could ever understand what any of this means to me." She sighed.

"So what if it's a boy? Matthew will continue being who he is. He will be a lawyer and stay in his practice. Cousin Isobel will remain at Crawley house and you will live here anyway." Cora shrugged. "Do you really think that your own brother will care about that?"

"Perhaps not…" Mary seemed to be thinking. Suddenly she hoped very much that this baby, girl or boy, would be something like Sybil and absolutely nothing like Edith.

Cora paused, wondering if she should tell Mary what had been on her mind ever since Matthew first proposed to her. She and the Dowager both agreed on it and had previously elected not to confess this to Mary, but now Cora thought it best.

"Mary." She sighed. "I know you're thinking that you could do better, but the truth is you can't."

"What!" Mary asked sharply, her eyes almost glowing with anger. Cora sighed. She'd known this would set Mary off.

"It's not that you couldn't have whoever you wanted…or whoever you pretended you wanted. But Matthew." Cora smiled at the thought. "There just isn't anyone better than him, and particularly, there's no better match for you than him."

"Mama what are you saying?" Mary batted her eyelashes in disbelief.

"I'm saying you have a choice to make, yes that's true…I overheard what he challenged you to while he was gone." Cora paused, watching her daughter lower her gaze when she mentioned Matthew's absence and place in the war: she obviously did not want to think about it. "Have you made any progress, in finding yourself?"

"You must think so ill of me." Mary was crushed. She felt worthless, conflicted and even a bit betrayed. She'd always felt she exhibited the values her parents had instilled in her, after all.

"No. Never. I just want you to be happy."

Mary looked up slowly, staring back into her mother's eyes in disbelief.

"Happy?" She raised an eyebrow. "That's not what you raised me to want, you raised me to want Downton and position and power. Not…. _happiness_."

Mary was deeply conflicted in every way to her those things _were_ happiness. Any other life, blissful though it may be, seemed pointless to her.

"Happiness is worth more than its weight in gold." Cora added. "I'm sorry if you don't feel we conveyed that to you."

"So we're all about happiness now? We're for doing whatever we like on a whim with no sense of duty or respect or tradition?! I suppose that should mean that you and Papa will have no problem when Sybil runs off with Branson."

Cora put her head down having some idea of the flirtation her daughter was referring to. She wasn't comfortable with it, but she wasn't anywhere near as upset about it as her husband or Mary.

"And you'd be perfectly happy if Edith threw her life away and married _poor old_ Anthony Strallan."

"Mary that's not fair he's n…"

"And then there's him." She said, obviously referring to the baby.

"If he's a boy, he's Benjamin." Cora corrected.

"Fine. Then there's Benjamin." She said calmly. "I'm sure you'll be fine with it if he grows up and decides he wants to marry Carson and Mrs. Hughes' baby."

Cora stopped cold when Mary said this. She was taken aback, something about the statement seeming oddly familiar to her. It was like de ja vu but far stranger in a way she could not describe.

"Mary that's a little far-fetched…" Cora defended.

"Is it?" She asked. "And to think; if that happened the law and everyone would be just fine with that wouldn't they?"

"Mary, I…" Cora thought Mary was being a bit paranoid now.

"It's true. The two of them, Benjamin and Carson's baby could just waltz right into the title, and into Downton. And then there's me who was born into it, who earned it and Matthew who was promised it."

"Oh Mary honey…"

"And that's the other thing, first it was Matthew, Matthew, Matthew and now we both get passed over for a baby." She said, beginning to laugh and cry at the same time. Mary was frustrated and found the whole idea of their being passed over in favor of a baby completely ridiculous.

"Shu." Cora soothed, taking Mary in her arms when she came and sat on the bed next to her. "I understand your hurt; getting passed over so many times when you're here and capable can't be easy. Your father and I are sorry for that. We thought you were deserving and capable."

"No you don't! Otherwise you would've fought for me in the first place, long before there was any baby." Cora remained silent: perhaps she had a point. "You must think me awful for saying all that you really must. And you surely don't think I'm capable of love: real love…" Mary continued, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

"Mary." Cora sighed. She kissed her daughter's head. "I know it isn't fair and it's a bit absurd. Your father and grandmother and I understand your feelings and don't think you're awful for them. But that's not what's important nor is lamenting the things none of us can help.

What's important now is getting yourself settled. I want you to think about what I've said, what Matthew has said and most of all what your heart says! The world won't always be the same place. And it certainly won't be the place you've grown up knowing, not for people like us. So do whatever you can to make sure that you're happy. Not happy because you've done your duty, or because you have what you think you were _supposed_ to have, but because you're happy in your heart. That, my dear, will carry you through all your darkest days."

Mary laughed, wiping her tears when her mother left. She agreed the world was changing and supposed that it was becoming a world of oddity and injustice where she could still not inherit her mother's money and family's standing because she was a woman but her sister could run off with the chauffer and her baby brother could marry the butler's daughter and make her the lady of the house. It sounded absurd for her to say this, but technically speaking, it was all-true. If her new sibling was a boy, virtually one he chose to marry had her shot at the life she was supposed to have.

Mary sighed. She didn't know why she'd mentioned the Carson baby in particular, maybe because the idea was conceivable. After all, the two children were going to grow up together. She felt bad for mentioning Carson, whom she loved, in a way that insinuated resentment and decided that she wanted to go and find him. After all, he was the only person in the world who she thought could make her feel even an ounce better right then. She ventured downstairs to talk to him, running first into Mrs. Patmore who was kind but a bit flustered to see her.

"He went home early M'lady." She announced. "Mrs. Carson isn't feeling well."

…

"Hello darling." Elsie greeted, smiling brightly as her husband came through the front door.

A strong gust of wind came up and he struggled to close the door, the freezing air and a little bit of snow blowing into the house behind him. Carson removed his scarf, brushing the snow off his coat before looking up to greet her.

"Oh. Hello my love." He beamed.

Getting home on foot in the heavy snow had been a tremendous battle for Carson. A few times he wasn't even sure he would make it there in one piece. But coming home to his wife and his own cozy house made his long, tiring, dreary day all worth it. In particular, her radiant smile soothed his soul and he couldn't help but stop for a moment and just think 'my heaven, she's so pretty.'

"You must be freezing!" She exclaimed, wrapping a thick wool blanket around his shoulders.

"Are _**you**_ alright?" He asked eagerly, not telling her he'd rushed home to make sure of that.

"Yes." She smiled, placing her hands on her stomach, rubbing it softly. "Baby is happy and I'm fine."

She kissed the tip of his nose and took his arm, leading him over to his chair in front of the fire where she had a cup of tea waiting for him. He shivered, wrapping the blanket further around himself as she sat on the ottoman and removed his boots.

"My love, you don't need to do that." He protested as she began to rub his feet. "If anything I should be rubbing your feet!"

Elsie was much further along now than she'd been even at Christmas and had taken the day off from work because her back hurt so much.

"Well then next it can be my turn." She giggled.

"Very well. You seem in better spirits than this morning..." He observed.

"Oh yes." She laughed, rubbing her stomach. "I am. I'm feeling much better."

"Now what I want to know is why you built a fire…"

He'd left her at home that morning and gone to Downton without her because she had an aching back and swollen feet. She'd been too tired to do much and he'd asked her not to make an effort at cooking, putting a fire in the hearth or anything else. He'd even made her promise to wait and have him do everything once he returned. But he could tell she had done all those things the minute he walked in the door and was greeted with the aroma of his favorite dinner.

"Oh, I was cold, well baby and I. Mr. Branson built the fire for me when he dropped me off." She explained.

"Mr. Branson?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. I went to see the doctor today."

He'd known of this, and ventured home early after finding out, just to make sure she was all right. Dr. Clarkson had told him nothing other than that she'd come to see him and should stay off her feet.

"Yes I know." He said pointedly. "So did I."

"Oh?" She asked, surprised.

"Yes. He came to see Lady Grantham and he said to make sure you stayed off your feet as much as possible."

"He did say that." She admitted.

"You're not going to do it, are you?" He asked.

"Hmmm?" She replied.

"Get off your feet." He clarified.

"Hmmm. I'm trying Charlie I really am but it's hard for me. I'm not used to resting, I've always been working, my whole life."

"I know love. And for that I'm sorry."

"No. Don't be sorry." She laughed. "So much of that was before I met you my love, and I've loved my work at Downton for the most part."

"Yes which is why you won't stop working now…"

"Well I stayed home today." She pointed out.

"So, why did you make dinner, and why was Mr. Branson here?"

"I made dinner because it's a special night." She began, kissing his cheek and beginning to get up. He grabbed her wrist very gently and held her there with him.

"Wait…what's going on?" He asked, tired of her elusiveness.

She sighed. "I made dinner because you deserve it. And because I was hungry, well, baby and I… and I felt a bit better. This morning, as you know, I wasn't feeling so well. In fact, I thought for a minute that maybe the baby was coming…." She confessed.

"What?!" He panicked. "Why didn't you…"

"So I called up to the house."

"Without my knowing? Elsie why didn't you tell me?"

"Yes, yes without your knowing. I didn't want to alarm you because I figured it was likely nothing and it was. But I had Mr. Branson drive me to see Dr. Clarkson just to check it out, that's all."

"That's all?! What all did he say?" He asked eagerly. He'd known she'd gone to see Dr. Clarkson because of something more urgent than a backache.

"That my back is getting worse for a couple of reasons, namely because the baby is getting ready to be born now."

"W-what? Already, but…." He questioned a little overwhelmed by this.

"Yes already. He says I only have a month and a half left to go before he's born, so an early March baby, almost a spring baby." She smiled.

Elsie was sick of all of this: pregnancy and the harsh winter were both taking their toll on her emotionally and physically. So the idea that the baby and spring would both arrive soon was tremendously exciting to her, she felt like it gave her all the hope in the world and enough strength to continue on.

Carson gulped. "That's soon…"

"You're not afraid of baby Charlie are you?" She teased slightly saddened he wasn't thrilled by what she considered happy news.

"You're still sure about naming her Charlie?" He raised an eyebrow. "Here. It's your turn, my love." He insisted.

She complied and put her feet on his lap, sighing as he began to massage them. Elsie was still insistent she was having a boy, not because her heart was set on it, but because most of the time she was sure that's what it would be. Carson, on the other hand was quite convinced they were having a daughter, or at least he wanted to be (he really wasn't either).

"Yes." She said. "Anyway. He said he _or she's_ grown quite a bit…but that we could see. I'm huge."

"No one could ever call you that love."

"You're too kind, but I am and you know it just as well as I do. He said the baby's head is changing position, which is probably causing some of my pain but more than anything I'm having something called false labor."

"What?! Is it serious?" He panicked.

"No." She giggled, reaching behind herself to rub her back. "It just sometimes _feels_ quite like the real thing when it's not."

"I mean is it dangerous?!' He was frantic now.

"No…" She paused. "Not insofar is it's going to cause the baby to actually come early…" He sighed with relief and she continued. "He just said to pay close attention to it, and make sure that it hasn't turned into the real thing without my realizing."

Elsie kissed his cheek and got up to tend to the dinner on the stove, leaving him very alarmed and slightly dazed.

…..

An hour or so had passed and they were sitting together in his armchair in front of the fire. Both of them were tired and cuddled up together nearly ready to fall asleep. She sat partially on his lap, and he rested his head on top of hers. Neither was sure who enjoyed their closeness more but both felt they wanted to stay there forever.

"What all did you do today?"

"I went to the doctor and after the pains stopped I sewed for the baby and went through all the things that Anna and I have made. We have quite a lot I'm happy to say."

"That's wonderful, please tell me there's at least a little pink."

"There's quite a lot of pretty pink." She promised, leaning into kiss him. "I'm sorry we haven't made love in months." She apologized when they pulled apart.

He was surprised, almost aghast that she brought this up and raised an eyebrow as he stared back at her. The thought had occurred to her randomly earlier in the day and she felt the need to address it even though he didn't like discussing things like this.

"Oh my love." He hugged her, his eyes already closed. "You don't need to be sorry for that; it's ridiculous. You're having a baby anytime now; you have no place worrying about that. Besides. This is the most intimate thing in the world to me: just being with you by the fire. After all, the freedom to do this is everything I always wanted."

"Oh Charlie you're so very sweet."

"I'm so proud of you. And I love coming home to you. I've worked my whole life to come home to you everyday and I couldn't love anything in the whole world more than I love this, or you."

"Oh Charlie I couldn't love anything more than I love you." She whispered, kissing him softly. "And sooner than we think there will be someone small here to greet you when you come home who, like me loves you beyond measure."


	7. Promises You Can't Keep

Ch 6- Promises You Can't Keep

September 22nd, 1897

"Do you think maybe soon, Mrs. Carson?" He whispered.

Elsie bristled at his question. She did not want to discuss this. The couple was standing quietly in the corner of the room, waiting to be needed. It was baby Sybil's first birthday party and the house was swarming with guests. The baby's birthday was a big day for them too, it marked their fourteen-month wedding anniversary and made Carson some how more excited about their own efforts at having a child.

"Oh… maybe." She said weakly, feigning a semblance of calmness.

She knew she had to remain poised but was having an extraordinarily difficult time holding back tears. Even Elsie had been surprised at the realization that the child's birthday seemed to cause her pain. She didn't want to think about children and here they were, all around her: it broke her heart. The last thing she wanted was her husband asking questions about the whereabouts of their own offspring who (almost a year and a half into their union) were missing in action at this point.

She'd yet to discuss any of it with him and dreaded doing so, hoping a miracle would happen suddenly and she'd be able to avoid the painful topic. She knew he'd be devastated and perhaps even more hurt than she was. She hated the idea of crushing him like this, especially now when he was so hopeful and happy about having a child. She didn't understand how he hadn't come to the same conclusion she had by now.

The worst part was she knew he'd be angry when she brought it up. He hated discussions that were very intimate in nature. She found it kind of funny how he didn't mind living a secret life with her, and how he relished spending nights alone with her in the privacy of his bedroom, and yet he did not like to talk about sex.

"Maybe?" He laughed. "I should think it would be sooner than later now, don't you?"

"Oh Charlie I…" She bit her lip.

"Mrs. Hughes? Do you have something to tell me?" He brightened suddenly.

Elsie couldn't handle the sick feeling in her stomach anymore and at once bolted from the room, making a bit too much noise as she did so. A few people turned to look but no one really paid attention save Cora who stared back as Carson followed her out of the room. Lady Grantham knew instinctively that something was not right and it piqued her concern. It was something she would never inquire about but also something she'd never forget.

Out of sight Elsie started to cry as she rushed away from the party, through the green baize door and down the first few steps. She thought she was home free when suddenly she felt a hand grab her arm and yank her back onto the landing.

"My love what is wrong?" Carson asked, lovingly cupping her cheeks in his hands as she cried. "I know trying is frustrating, but soon it…"

"No, no Charlie. Not soon: it won't be that way."

"W-what do you mean? Of course it will! It's been a little over a year, yes but we really love each other and want this child and we keep…"

She shook her head no, sniffling through her tears, still finding the strength to look in his eyes. She was ashamed and didn't want to look at him when she told him. She knew it was ridiculous and that he wouldn't share her opinion, but she felt like a failure as a wife and a woman.

"Charlie." She finally gathered the strength to say. "Charlie I…I think something's wrong with me. I don't think I can have a baby." She managed before she broke down crying again.

"Oh, oh Elsie my love." He soothed, taking her into his arms and holding her tight once she started to cry again. "There it'll be alright."

"Charlie please don't make promises you can't keep."

…

February 3rd, 1915- 9PM

"I wish you'd sit down. You don't need to be doing that." Carson insisted.

"Oh my love I told you I'm fine and the baby is fine." Elsie laughed, rubbing her stomach gently as she worked.

They were in Downton's kitchen all alone and with no one else around he took the opportunity to come up behind her, placing his hands on her stomach and kissing her cheek.

"Hmm it's nice far you to hold me, Mr. Carson." She giggled, allowing herself to settle into her husband's strong embrace.

It comforted him to hold her and for a moment he laid his head on her shoulder, discretely kissing her neck.

"It's wonderful to have the freedom to hold you Mrs. Hughes."

"Baby and I are quite fine." She reassured. "I know yar worried because of Lady Grantham but…"

"No I'm worried about _you_." He said pointedly.

The whole house was going crazy around them because Lady Grantham had just had her first labor pains and Dr. Clarkson was about to arrive. Everyone was rushing around to make last minute preparations and settle the family in for the birth. Carson was in the kitchen watching his wife finish something she was working on and was immensely frustrated: he wanted her to sit down.

"I know you are worried love, but I feel good." She promised.

"Hmmm." He wasn't sure.

He was deeply concerned about her, more so than usual, and had been for days. In particular he could not shake the feeling that something was profoundly different about her today but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. It was late now and they'd stayed to eat dinner with everyone because they were both too tired to cook anything. He was annoyed and had felt this nagging need to get Elsie home all day long but didn't know why. Needless to say, he hadn't wanted to stay but Mrs. Patmore had insisted.

They'd finally been just about to leave when they'd heard the news that Cora was having her baby (which was three days overdue). As a result, everyone including his wife had sprung into action. Mrs. Patmore and Daisy were fast at work making snacks for the family who would likely be awake for the better part of the next day or so and Elsie was instructing the maids, making sure that everything was ready upstairs.

He disapproved of the fact that she was working in her very pregnant state, and felt she was putting undue pressure on herself. She'd just reached month eight and it made him worry deeply about her health and the safety of the baby. Moreover, what kind of man was he to allow her to work like this even if she wanted to?

Elsie was in the kitchen now but for the past half hour she'd been running up and down the stairs back and forth from the basement to the second floor. He resented this greatly and wished desperately that they'd left a few minutes earlier and missed the news altogether. Elsie however insisted that she was fine, that she felt much better that day than she had in weeks, and even somewhat energetic. He still stood behind her, hugging her tighter as his mind wandered and he continued to worry.

"Oh look at you, you two love birds. They're cute, Daisy aren't they cute?" Mrs. Patmore teased sweetly as she came back into the kitchen; Daisy at her heals.

The young girl was shy about seeing the couple in such an intimate position and Carson didn't care for it either but Elsie grabbed his hands, holding them in their place over her stomach so there he stayed. He paused feeling their unborn child kick.

"See, you feel that Charlie, baby's fine." Elsie whispered, rubbing her side and ignoring Beryl.

He watched her as she worked, wondering how far along she really was. Like with Cora's pregnancy, Dr. Clarkson hadn't been completely sure. She'd gotten bigger and more tired in the last week or so, and he thought that perhaps she was as far along as Lady Grantham after all, a possibility Elsie and Dr. Clarkson had both dismissed when he mentioned it. He wanted to suggest this to her again but didn't for fear of making her mad at him (she'd been extra moody the past week and he didn't have any desire to be on the wrong end of that). So, he decided to refrain: after all, as far as they'd been told their baby was likely at least three weeks away if not a little more. He tried to stay calm and remember this reassurance from Dr. Clarkson just days before, but he couldn't help being skeptical: she just seemed…almost too pregnant to him now.

"Elsie I…"

"Oooh." She moaned. She felt something kind of funny in her back but figured it was just the baby kicking. "Charlotte Carson, stop it." She took a breath. Carson raised an eyebrow: he was holding her and he'd felt the baby _stop_ moving.

"Elsie…" He warned.

"Oh is that her name?!" Daisy cried.

"Yes. That's her name… if she's a girl." Elsie smiled. She thought it was probably a boy, but still addressed the baby as Charlotte sometimes because she loved the name.

"It sounds like Charlie!" The girl explained, suddenly afraid she was speaking out of turn.

"Yes it does, that's the point. I want to name the baby after Mr. Carson, Charlie for boy, Charlotte for a girl."

"Which it most certainly will be!" Mrs. Patmore added. Elsie rolled her eyes, looking back up at her husband.

He looked down at her as Beryl continued to talk in the background; neither of them listened to her and just stared at each other's eyes, transfixed. He noted hers seemed to smile back at him and it filled his heart with the deepest love. Daisy watched attentively, noting they didn't seem to notice or care she was there (which was very un-Carson of them).

"Boy or girl it'll be wonderful and I can't wait." He whispered, reassuring her that he'd love to have a son too.

"Mmmm me neither." He kissed her again.

"Mrs. Carson." Anna stuck her head in the door. "I'm sorry but your really needed upstairs.

"Oh it's alright. I'll be there in a moment. I'll be right back love." She said, breaking away from him.

He sighed deeply. Daisy could tell he was angry. "Elsie I think it would be best if you rested, Daisy can go for you."

"That's right." She agreed. "Wait I what?"

Daisy, you see, was nervous about having anything to do with the birth of either of the two babies that were expected at Downton and Mrs. Patmore had volunteered her to assist with both, insisting it would be good for her.

"I'll be fine. I'm not in labor, and I'm not going into labor." Elsie laughed, kissing his cheek and leaving the room. She paused at the door for a split second, feeling that funny kick in her back again, and then headed up the stairs.

Carson sighed again. He'd been insisting she sit for hours now and she kept refusing him, claiming her back felt better when she stood. Not knowing what else to do, he went back to work himself. Now that the Grantham baby was coming there was a lot for him to attend to all of a sudden. He quickly dialed in on his own work, deciding not to worry about Elsie and the baby. She'd assured him she was fine a hundred times that day, and a few days before the doctor had done the same. As such, he didn't notice when she came back into the kitchen.

She stopped when she reached the center of the room. There it was again, that funny little pinch. It was maybe the fifth time she'd felt it, but it was stronger this time.

"Oooh." She groaned.

"What?!" Carson turned suddenly, already on edge.

"Oh its nothing it just…Oh that's not right." She had to admit.

"What's going on its…. oooh!" Beryl exclaimed, looking down at Elsie's feet. Daisy stood behind her, her eyes wide.

"What…oh." Carson understood instantly, his heart beginning to speed up. He'd not expected to witness this.

"Your water's broke!" Beryl exclaimed excitedly.

"Oh." Elsie looked down at her now soaked feet, a little shaken. She couldn't believe this was happening, it was too early!

Carson swooped in and grabbed her arms to steady her. "Daisy, go and get Dr. Clarkson." He ordered.

"But…" She was astounded. She wasn't typically, allowed to be seen upstairs unless it was very early in the morning.

"Go!" He commanded sharply. The girl shuddered and then turned, running out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"I don't think that's really necessary just yet…" Elsie protested. While her water may've broken she wasn't really in pain and she knew she wasn't in real labor. The doctor could wait.

"Of course it's necessary! Your having…your having my…" Carson started to get nervous.

"She's having your baby!" Mrs. Patmore finished his thought.

"Yes I think I know! Elsie, please sit, please I've been asking you all day."

"Fine but I'm fine it's not really necessary. Not until the pain starts and it hasn't, so I can keep…"

"No." Carson said sternly.

"Mr. Carson's right. You shoulda been off your feet all this time."

"I told you I'm fine, my mother…"

"We're living in modern times you don't have to do what your mother did." Beryl protested.

"Oh and so _**you're**_ on about modern times now?!" Elsie retorted.

"Daisy what did he say?" Carson asked the moment the girl ran back into the room.

She was nervous. In fact she felt queasy and even a little faint. "He said to bring her upstairs."

"Upstairs?!" The three asked at once.

"H-he said that he couldn't deliver two babies at once, not when you're downstairs and Lady Grantham's upstairs… Lord Grantham said it would be alright so…"

"Alright." Carson sighed. "Up we go then."

"Daisy, go back up and tell him I don't need to go anywhere." Elsie informed. "I'm not ready yet…C-Charlie!" She cried when he tried to pick her up. "Your back!"

"What?" Beryl asked.

"He has a bad back! Charlie Carson you put me down right now! You're going to hurt yourself!"

"I may have a bad back but I'm certainly strong enough to pick up my pregnant wife when she's about to give birth."

"I'm not about to give birth! And wouldn't it be worse to _**drop**_ your pregnant wife?!" She asked as he carried her up the stairs.

She continued to talk and he didn't listen. By this time, the hallways were completely vacant. The family had all vacated the area, the women (including Ms. O'Brien) were with Cora, and Robert and Matthew were in the library. Daisy led them up the second flight of stairs, past all the family's quarters and to one of the guest rooms.

"Charlie I'm not having it right now. I'd prefer to wait downstairs until _**I**_ feel like laying down."

"Let's just see what Dr. Clarkson says." He said, gently laying her on the bed and beginning to remove her shoes.

"Alright." She sighed, figuring couldn't argue with that.

"Daisy, there are a lot of things we're going to need." Mrs. Patmore began.

"Like what?"

"Just come with me, and hurry!"

"You're all being ridiculous, you don't need to hurry with anything!" Elsie called after them.

Carson was happy that Daisy and Mrs. Patmore left them alone for a few minutes. He had wanted a moment alone with her before he had to leave her.

"Are you alright?" He took her hand, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm a bit scared." She confided, letting her guard down now that they were alone.

"Oh my love. It'll be alright." He tried to comfort even though he was worried too. He leaned his forehead against hers and kissed her nose. "We're going to have the most perfect baby, you and I. It'll all be alright, trust me." He smiled.

"Oh my Charlie I do trust you." She whispered, beginning to cry. "But it's too early, this can't be its too early for the baby Charlie…"

"Shu…" He soothed, drying her tears. "The baby's strong. It'll all be alright."

"Will you make a promise to me Charles Carson?" She asked very seriously.

"Anything." He whispered, rubbing his nose gently against hers.

"If it's not all alright, and something happens to me, then you take that baby and you love him like you've never loved anyone else in the whole world."

"Of course my darling." He kissed her forehead, not wanting to dwell on what she'd asked. Much to his chagrin, she continued.

"You be proud of your son. You treasure your daughter. And tell him or her Mummy loves him, every single day. Don't forget." She winced, suddenly reaching out to grab his hand.

She shut her eyes and paused, squeezing his hand very tightly. He understood right away that her pain was starting to come on but neither of them commented on it. When it was finished she continued.

"And…and if it's not alright." She hesitated, not even wanting to say it. "And something happens to the baby…you'll hold me and tell me it's not my fault, that it'll be alright and not hate me for it." Elsie's heart hung heavy and she started to worry that she'd been foolish and that perhaps she had been working too hard.

"Oh my love. It isn't your fault. I could never hate you for anything, and I'll make you another promise: it won't be that way."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She whispered.

"I promise I'm keeping this one my love and I promise that no matter what happens I'm here for you and for Charlie and for Charlotte."

"Charlie you're going to make the sweetest Daddy ever." She smiled: his words touched her heart, and now no matter what was going to happen she felt at peace now.

"That's all that's about to happen my love. I promise."

….

Carson left his wife shortly after Dr. Clarkson came, feeling overwhelmed, discouraged and completely nervous. He was worried not only about the baby being a bit early but; about Elsie and how much pain she'd be in. He hadn't thought about it much before but now it was hitting him hard. He didn't want to be responsible for that, and he certainly did not want to hear it that was for sure.

"I just came to see how everything was coming along, M'lord." He said, stepping into the library where Lord Grantham and Matthew were sitting. "If you don't mind, I think I'll go downstairs for a while, and leave you in William's very capable hands."

"Oh Carson, don't be ridiculous, do sit! William, please fetch Carson a scotch on the rocks, or whatever else he'd like."

"But M'Lord certainly…" Carson protested.

"Nonsense Carson, whatever it is you had to do, Bates will take care of for you. We have a long night ahead of us you and I; and nothing's more important than all of that."

"If you insist, M'Lord." He said begrudgingly.

"You certainly shouldn't have to work right now. Please my good man, sit with us."

The truth was, he was nervous for Elsie's sake and because he couldn't be with her, he wanted to throw himself into his work so he wouldn't have to think about what was happening to her. He adored his wife. She was all he had and she met more to him than anything else in the whole world. He couldn't stand the thought of hearing her scream in pain and not be able to do anything to help her. The idea made him feel sick and scared and worthless. Moreover, it something happened to her he didn't _really_ want to soldier on for the sake of his child: he wanted to die too.

"You know you don't have to be so nervous." Lord Grantham insisted.

"Oh but I do." He corrected.

"Not as nervous as me I'm afraid." Matthew admitted.

"Oh Matthew you know if it's a boy I'd never throw you out into the cold." Robert told him. "I love you like my son and you're part of this family."

"Well, it isn't quite that. I've become rather accustomed to the idea that it's a boy and I'm out. I'm all right with the idea of well of living on my own wits. It's Mary that I don't…."

"If I may be forward Mr. Crawley." Carson began. "I feel you haven't much to worry about on that score."

Matthew was waiting for news of his own that evening: whether Mary would say yes or not. He'd given her an ultimatum about the possible engagement, telling her he would not marry her if it was a girl and she accepted after the birth. Now he figured all hope was lost for him. It was a shame he really had loved her.

"I agree." Robert added. Matthew raised an eyebrow.

"If only I could believe you."

"Hello." Came a polite voice. The three men looked up when they saw Isobel standing in the doorway, black bag in hand.

"Mother what are you doing here?" Matthew asked. "I thought you had another engagement."

"I did and it was a wonderful dinner. Dr. Clarkson called me to help him. He's not used to delivering two at a time so I'm here to care for Mrs. Carson. And don't worry." She smiled, turning to Carson. He said nothing but she knew he was worried. "I've delivered plenty of babies. She'll be just fine." Isobel reassured and then turned to go up the stairs.

"She is quite right Carson." Robert attempted to reassure again. "I've done it three times before, of course you worry but…."

"How long does it take?" Matthew asked. He knew very little about all of this.

"Hours, even up to days." Robert remarked, seeing Carson cringe. "I'm sorry old man." He apologized. "But you know what it's like, you remember when the girls were born."

"Yes, yes I do..."

"She'll be just fine." Robert promised.

"Perhaps, but you must remember M'lord, mine wasn't supposed to arrive for another month."


	8. In An Instant, Part I

Ch 8- In An Instant, Part I

Elsie's heart ached. It wasn't a longing, sorrowful type of ache, but rather a slow, gut-wrenching pain that hung in the air and could be felt with increasingly greater enormity in each passing second. It was the sting of guilt, and deep regret, mixed with the kind of fear only a mother's heart could harbor, that which could not be rivaled by anything else. Elsie would come to find, however, that the strength and intensity of her labor pains would match her sorrow, and that ultimately the emotional angst would subside, giving away to the sheer enormity of her physical pain.

It wasn't until her husband left the room and Mrs. Patmore returned, that she understood how devastated she really was. The doctor's confirmation that she was in fact having the baby had been a crushing blow to her and had made her realize she'd been in denial about her water breaking when Charlie carried her up the stairs. He had stayed with her when Dr. Clarkson came to examine her. And once they'd both left, Beryl helped her change clothes all the while yelling at Daisy to do this or that. Elsie was too upset to really listen.

She couldn't believe it: the baby was coming early, nearly a month early.

Dr. Clarkson had said he thought the baby was big enough to survive outside her womb now and to try not to worry, but both she and Charlie were panicked. This was their precious baby, who they loved more than themselves and had so many, many plans for. Both of them would scale heaven and earth save it, and as such, felt helpless now simply waiting for its arrival. But there was nothing to do but wait. They wouldn't know anything, you see, until they heard the baby cry. And for both of them, the waiting game felt like throwing their whole lives, and everything they'd ever dreamed of to chance.

"It'll be fine, it'll be just fine!" Beryl reassured as she helped Elsie back into bed, her tone completely panicked in a way that made Elsie feel sick.

"Mummy is sorry she didn't give you the chance you deserved." Elsie whispered very quietly, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Mrs. Patmore was talking a mile a minute and didn't hear what she said, but Daisy did.

Elsie thought, of course, that this was all her fault for not resting that day: it was not. She cradled her stomach protectively, noting that it was too late for any of that now. All the love in the world would do her baby no good.

"Daisy! Daisy where are you with those cloths!" Mrs. Patmore yelled.

"Mrs. Patmore." Elsie began calmly. She was upset, but thought it wise to remain as calm as possible. "I'm fine so far, just some pinching in my back, that's all for now. It doesn't hurt much. Please don't rush poor Daisy for anything that I don't need."

Elsie was afraid, and guilt ridden but she also thought it was ridiculous they'd put her to bed already. First babies took hours, or so she was told. She wasn't in much pain yet and wouldn't have called the doctor if he weren't already there. She figured she could rest downstairs until _she_ was ready. That's what she would've preferred anyway, but Charles and Mrs. Patmore had gone into collective panic when her water broke suddenly and in the middle of the kitchen after dinner. Both ran about like chickens with their heads cut off. They took nervous but swift action, deciding what to do without discussing it with her. Elsie observed that she was the one having the baby, and yet she was almost an afterthought to them in those moments. Her word on her own condition seemed to mean little or nothing to them and she resented it.

"Are you mad!" Mrs. Patmore asked. "It's…"

Elsie took a breath. "I know it's going to hurt, and soon, but I'm fine right now. The contractions are very far apart and I just don't fancy sitting here waiting for it to come on full force when…"

"But…."

"Mrs. Patmore it could be days before the baby comes!" Elsie insisted.

In an odd way, Elsie hoped it would be days. She wouldn't even mind being in labor for that long, if only it would buy her baby some time for his lungs to mature a little more. Dr. Clarkson had told them that was the only real risk for the baby: underdeveloped lungs. And that it was a very real risk indeed.

Elsie and Beryl looked up when they heard a quiet but authorative knock on the partially open guestroom door.

"Mrs. Patmore, there's no reason to panic." Isobel informed as she came into the room, black bag in hand.

"Thank you." Elsie mouthed when Mrs. Patmore wasn't looking in her direction. Isobel smiled slightly in understanding.

"Oh Mrs. Crawley you're…" Mrs. Patmore was surprised and didn't understand why she was there.

"Here to stay with you and to assist Dr. Clarkson." She smiled pleasantly. "How are you feeling Mrs. Carson?"

"Oh I'm fine. It doesn't even hurt much yet I've only had a... Hmm." She groaned, "Wait, never mind that."

"That's only seven minutes since the last one!" Beryl informed. "See I told you it isn't going to be days!"

Mrs. Patmore continued to talk and Isobel leaned in to grab Elsie's hand. She clung to it tightly and found herself unable to keep from crying out this time. Elsie's mind started to race and with that came the most incredible feeling of hopelessness. She could no longer sit back and beg indifference; claiming that nothing was happening. The changes going on within her body were drastic and far too significant to ignore. Elsie gulped as she clung to Mrs. Crawley's hand, in worse pain now that she understood this was the onset of the real thing and there was no going back. Moments before it had been nothing, but now here it was, all consuming and merciless.

…

"Any word?" Robert asked suddenly, jumping to his feet, when his oldest daughter came in the room.

Carson and Matthew looked up at Lord Grantham surprised by how startled he was. Carson supposed, though, that he would respond similarly when Mrs. Crawley came into the room to get him. Like his wife he was scared out of his mind, ridden with guilt and had no idea what to expect. In the past he'd never thought much about Elsie's actually having the baby…he'd only considered, well getting to the point of expecting one in the first place and later of raising it.

Reflecting on it now, he supposed he had expected to be nervous-excited when the time came…not scared to death that after months of joyful expectation and a long painful ordeal on his wife's part he wouldn't be becoming a father after all. And that's what he was for the moment: scared to death and quietly praying.

Mary shook her head no. "Actually I'm here to speak with Matthew."

"Matthew! At a time like this?!" Robert was upset.

"Yes." Matthew acknowledged, crossing the room to see Mary. "We have some matters to discuss."

"Important matters Papa." Mary reminded, raising her eyebrow.

"Yes. Vitally important ones." Matthew agreed as he took her arm and the two turned and walked out of the room.

"What could be more important than your mother at a time like this?!" Robert called, sounding almost angry as they walked away.

Carson cleared his throat and Robert turned around to look at him, surprised.

"I'm sorry m'lord." Carson apologized. "But, I think you _know_ what that's about."

"Yes." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair and returning to his chair. "I suppose I do. I almost hope it's a girl again." Robert admitted. "It would keep order around here and I need some order in my life…Carson, what about you?"

"I should much prefer a daughter m'lord."

"They are wonderful I must say that." Robert smiled.

He'd always wanted a son, but he could never deny that he loved his daughters as much as he could love any boy. He knew Mary did not believe that and it hurt him very much.

"What is the child's name to be?" Robert continued.

In a way he felt odd to be left out the loop when it came to the Carsons and their plans. He'd been happy for them and generous with them but not overtly friendly. Cora on the other hand, had gone out of her way to befriend Elsie and to ensure that the children would grow up in each other's perpetual company, something he was still skeptical of.

Robert was not the kind of man who believed in fate. At first, he'd assumed that it was merely a coincidence that the Carsons (a couple who were also too old to have a baby) would suddenly be expecting at the same time as them. But now that he and Carson were there together becoming fathers on the same night, and in his house, he realized that something beyond mere coincidence was transpiring and decided that if there was ever a time for him to begin being friendly rather than nice, it was now.

"Charlie or Charlotte m'lord." He answered. Robert noted he smiled brightly at the mention of Charlotte.

"Ours is Elizabeth or Benjamin. Now, tell me something. Suppose that Charlie and Elizabeth are supposed to grow up together as good friends."

"Yes m'lord."

"Well, do you suppose they really could? I mean, two little girls or two little boys certainly but..."

"I think it depends on the children m'lord." Carson didn't say it but he'd also been skeptical of Lady Grantham's idea.

Actually, in the beginning he'd been enthusiastic and his wife had been skeptical. He'd encouraged her to accept the idea and the offer for the babies to share a nanny. After all, they needed someone to care for their child while they worked and he figured it wouldn't hurt for him or her to become a friend of the family. As time went on though, he became more skeptical of the idea and she grew more comfortable with it.

He'd felt very good about the whole thing until one night when he suddenly realized that one child could be a lot like his wife and the other very much like Lady Mary. He couldn't see a child, who was a miniature version of his wife, taking well to one that was a mini Mary. After that he'd narrowed his view of the whole thing, supposing that the children might not end up best friends as their mothers had planned, but worst enemies.

…

"Are you alright?" Mrs. Patmore asked quietly, placing a cold cloth over Elsie's head.

"Hmmm. Yes. I think so." She whispered, rubbing her stomach softly.

Each time a contraction ended she put all her energy into communing with the baby, who she could still feel kicking around. She'd taken to hugging herself and brushing her stomach. Elsie didn't realize she was doing this to comfort herself more than to comfort the baby.

'Mummy's here with you and she loves you. You are not alone and never will be no matter what happens.' She whispered impossibly quietly.

Elsie was dedicated to lavishing love on the baby, although she doubted it would help. More than anything though, she wanted to eek out every moment she spent with her living child, even if she was not yet born. If there was even a small chance that this pregnancy had been the only time she was getting with her baby, she was not going to waste a moment of it especially as it was drawing to a close.

"You're doing very well, Mrs. Carson." Isobel encouraged.

"Do you really think so?" She moaned.

Elsie was miserable and thought she was laboring horribly. She faulted herself for staying active during her pregnancy; figuring it was to blame for the baby's being early. She would never know that this was not the case, and that actually the converse was true. Activity had felt good for her because it was, and ultimately, it made her far stronger and more prepared for labor than say Cora who'd sat on a mound of fluffed up pillows for the last six or seven months.

"Yes. You're managing the pain well and the baby's not showing any signs of distress. That's a very good sign."

"So you think he's alright?" She had to ask.

"Well, he's big…" Isobel began.

"I promise it's a girl! I insist you use the correct pronoun." Mrs. Patmore interjected.

"Mrs. Patmore I don't know if…"

"Charlotte. This is Auntie Beryl. Don't listen to your mother! Forgive her she'll know soon enough you're a girl."

"Fine." Elsie sighed. "Do you think _**she's**_ alright?"

Isobel felt bad, sensing the panic in the expectant mother's voice.

"I think the baby's big enough. At her size babies are mostly ready to be born."

"Mrs. Crawley?" Elsie moaned she could feel more pain coming on, this time it was stronger. She shut her eyes tightly, bracing herself.

"Hmmm?" Isobel asked.

"If baby doesn't make it. Mr. Carson and I…. well, we need a few moments alone with him, the two of us." She cringed and both Isobel and Beryl took a hand, Daisy looked on horrified from her place on the other side of the room where she was preparing the bassinet for the baby. Elsie wished she wouldn't do that; she felt like it was a bad omen.

"Aaaahhhhh!" The four women jumped when they heard Cora begin to scream.

…

"Lady Mary come quickly!" Anna cried, practically sliding sideways as she ran into the room.

Mary and Matthew had been discussing, or rather, arguing about their supposed engagement when Anna rushed into the room. She was clearly distressed and out of breath and right away both Mary and Matthew understood something was the matter.

"What? What's happened?!" Mary asked, her eyes wide with concern.

"I'll tell you on the way m'lady, but Dr. Clarkson says you need to come now!"

"Matthew I'll be back, please not a word of this to Papa!" She demanded, following her maid out of the room without another word.

Matthew sighed wondering how he was supposed to keep such a thing a secret from Robert. It was a burden he did not want when he was already so confused and hurt. Deciding he wanted to be alone, Matthew chose a book of Robert's poured a drink and sat down to wait.

…

"You may recall Sybil was a little early." Robert offered suddenly.

"That's right, she was!" Carson looked up hopefully, having totally forgotten.

"She was small but just fine." Robert smiled, reflecting back on his youngest child's birth.

Both men were nervous and could hear screaming going on upstairs. Neither of them knew which of their wives it was but in an odd way it didn't matter. As men who treasured their wives, the sound rattled them both to the core. Robert sat back and watched his friend in relative silence for a few moments. He could tell he was very upset and even before now, he'd decided he wanted to do something to help brighten his spirits.

Carson nor or anyone else would ever know that Robert had done something substantial for Elsie and her baby. Robert felt partially mistaken in having done it and he certainly hoped Cora would never discover it. The more he thought about it though; he felt he'd made the right decision. Being that it was their fourth child and the Carson's first and only chance at a baby they'd wanted for many years, Robert had told Dr. Clarkson that if anything went wrong with both of the women and it was between the two babies to save Mrs. Carson and her child instead of his own child. It was an honorable gesture that Robert would never feel anything but dishonor for.

Carson jumped when they heard another scream.

"It's alright my good man, it'll pass." Robert assured.

Carson looked up toward the ceiling, teary eyed.

"Yes." He considered.

"It's a gift, you know."

"Hmmm?" Carson asked.

"Fatherhood."

"Oh I know." Carson was nervous.

On one hand, he couldn't wait for it to pass, in the hope that he could hold his baby. And on the other he wanted to stay there forever, waiting in limbo, where his baby was alive and he still had the hope of having a positive outcome.

"It's the greatest gift I've ever been given." Robert reflected and Carson quietly agreed. "And I'm honored to be receiving it again. And you… Carson. I don't know if anyone's told you, but you're going to be terrific at this. You'll make a wonderful father."

"Thank you m'lord." He beamed.

"Carson." Isobel smiled, coming into the room.

"W-what has it happened?" He asked, panicked. Robert also looked back, expectation in his eyes.

"No, she's just asking for you."

"Oh..." He was surprised and put down his drink, standing up to go with her.

"She quite wants to see you. She's doing wonderfully so far."

"So all the screaming we've been hearing?" Robert raised an eyebrow.

"Cousin Cora, mostly." Isobel informed Robert, sadly. "But Mrs. Carson would love to see you, she says it will help get her though."

"Very well." He gulped.

Robert could tell Carson was nervous, and watched him enviously as he followed Isobel upstairs. He wanted to see Cora even if she was miserable.

"Oh my poor darling I'm so, so sorry." Robert whispered, taking another drink.

Carson followed Mrs. Crawley upstairs, immediately feeling that he should not be there. He could hear Cora screaming and felt like being too near was an invasion of her privacy… it made him uncomfortable. Then again he heard nothing coming from his wife's room and that worried him. He wondered for a moment if perhaps the baby had come after all and they were just waiting to tell him, or worse, something had happened and the baby was…he couldn't think of it, and suddenly he was eager to see his wife.

"Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Carson you have a visitor." Isobel announced.

"Oh Charlie, my Charlie hello." She smiled, lying back down in a mound of

pillows that hadn't been there when he'd left the room.

He watched as Mrs. Patmore lay a wet cloth on her forehead. She looked tired, her hair was down (he liked seeing it that way and wished she would keep it like that) and she was covered in sweat but he found her beautiful nonetheless.

"Hello my love." He smiled.

"Come on, let's leave them alone for a few minutes." Isobel urged, pulling Beryl and a very nervous Daisy out of the room.

"How are you my love?" He asked gently.

"I'm fine, tired, but…"

"Ahhhhhh!" They heard Cora scream.

"That doesn't help." She admitted, adjusting the cloth on her forehead.

"I would think not."

"Oooh." She winced, reaching for his hand. He grabbed it and she squeezed tightly.

Carson was horrified and watched, feeling helpless as she bore through the pain. When it was over she lay back in her pillows and took a breath.

"I hate to see you in so much pain." He said, sweeping her hair out of her face. "But I do love your hair like this."

"Oh you do, soaking wet?" She asked.

"No, long." He laughed and she smiled.

"My love I'm alright. It hurts but its coming fast. Mrs. Crawley, ooooh." She winced. "She says it'll be over soon. And you know what that means?"

"I think so." He said, leaning down to kiss her but hovering just over her lips.

She kissed him softly. "It means that next time I see you." She whispered. "We're going to have a baby."

"Oh my Elsie a baby." He kissed her nose.

The couple's tender moment was interrupted by Cora's screaming again. Elsie jumped at the sound.

"I think something might be wrong with Lady Grantham." She confided.

"Oh?"

"Yes. The screaming, Lady Mary and Anna coming in and out of her room, the fact that Dr. Clarkson seems to have turned my care completely over to Mrs. Crawley, which….ooooh." She moaned. "Charlie. Charlie this one really hurts!"

It pained him deeply to see her in so much pain. He found it odd though, that he felt somewhat better being with her, assured that she was all right instead of downstairs and far away where he could not help her. She endured the pain for almost a minute before it subsided and when it was done he helped lay her back in her pillows.

"There's my brave, beautiful girl." He whispered when it was finished.

"You flatter me." She laughed.

"No I mean every word. You've always been so brave, my Elsie. It was one of the first things I noticed about you." She smiled up at him as he tucked her hair behind her ear and leaned his forehead against hers. "I'll never forget the first time I saw you. I remember you were wearing a baby blue sweater that made your eyes shine so bright… I was almost afraid to look at you because you were just radiantly beautiful." She was still in pain, but she beamed up at him when he said this. "And then there was the girl inside." He laughed. "She had me really blown away. I remember thinking that you were so strong, and brave in coming down from Argyll so young and all by yourself to have a life that you chose and on your terms."

"I don't know about that…"

"Yes that's what my Elsie did. And that was in the days women didn't do that remember my love? I admired you more than you could know, even looked up to you." He offered. Elsie doubted that. "You know what I used to think?"

"Hmmm what?"

"I thought here is this woman, the strongest, most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I bet she can do anything."

It wasn't lost on Elsie that he was being extra sweet and trying to encourage her for what they both knew was coming: the birth.

"I can't imagine." He said. "Ever feeling that way about anyone again." He laughed.

"Which way?"

"Being so captivated that you fall in love in an instant."

"Oh my Charlie I loved you in an instant too."

….

"Mrs. Crawley I'm afraid there's been a change of plans." Dr. Clarkson said quietly, shutting Cora's door behind him.

Isobel was in the hall waiting for Carson to come out so she could go back in with Elsie. Beryl and Daisy had gone downstairs to get a few things of Elsie's.

"Oh?" She asked.

"Yes. You should take care of Mrs. Carson on your own…"

"Are you sure?" She was surprised.

"Yes. I'm fairly sure you could handle open heart surgery on your own." He confessed and she blushed. "This is simple in comparison and well, lets just say I think Lady Grantham is going to have a hard time, but Mrs. Carson should come through fairly smoothly."

"What do you mean a hard time?"

He sighed. "It's breech…unfortunately. Ms. O'Brien is with her now…she's quite dedicated."

And dedicated O'Brien was. Truthfully, the ladies maid was devastated over her past actions and Lady Grantham's near miscarriage months earlier. The woman now thought that Cora's difficulty in labor, and the baby's current predicament, were transpiring just to punish her for her misdeeds…this was not the case.

"She'll be fine I think." Dr. Clarkson assured. "But that doesn't mean it's going to be easy."

….

"Mrs. Carson. I think it's time to start a little pushing." Isobel informed.

Elsie had known this was coming very soon but she'd been dreading it. She'd been hoping to give her very early baby a little more time before he had to be born. Her heart broke when she was instructed to start, but start she did. Part of her was determined to see this through, and another part wanted to give up already.

Elsie's pain intensified quickly and she couldn't help but start to cry. Beryl and Isobel were trying their best to be encouraging, and Elsie would admit that it helped a little. Beryl was doing her best, with Daisy's help, to hold her up physically, which she was grateful for because she didn't think she could do it herself anymore and somehow it seemed to ease the pain a little. After a while though, it all got to be too much and she asked to give up.

"You don't want to give up, you're doing really well!" Isobel smiled. "I promise. This is all going perfectly."

"I want Charlie." She cried. "Please, please if I'm going to do this I want my husband with me, please!"

"No you don't, trust me." Isobel promised. She couldn't imagine having her husband with her at a time like this and he'd been a doctor.

"Please!" Elsie begged. "I can't anymore."

"Mrs. Carson, you're so close."

"Come on. I can see her head." Beryl whispered excitedly.

Daisy was quietly hyperventilating. This was the part she hadn't wanted to witness and the whole thing was making her feel scared and queasy. She fought the urge to run away and stared blankly she watched the baby being born.

"I'm never having sex!" Daisy cried, her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't!" Elsie sobbed. "Look where it's gotten meeeee!" She screamed.

"Check back in an hour." Isobel insisted, not looking back at the young girl who started to shake in that moment.

"Ooh not an hour, please not another hour!" Elsie cried. "I can't handle another hour! Ahhhh!"

"Shoulders now Mrs. Carson, shoulders are the hardest part and then it'll almost be over."

Daisy's eyes widened and she chose that moment to let go of Elsie and bolt from the room. Elsie barely noticed, but it left Mrs. Patmore holding her by herself and she was angry.

"Daisy you come back here!" Beryl began yelling at Daisy as she ran out of the room.

She called for the young girl who could hear her clear down the hall but just continued to run. Isobel was focused Elsie and the baby and so annoyed she almost told Beryl to shut up. Elise, on the other hand, was in so much pain now that she was finally able to ignore almost everything but her anguish. Nothing else had ever commanded her attention quite that much and in the back of her mind she doubted she would live through this.

Daisy was hyperventilating by the time she got downstairs. She was scared to death and upset with herself for leaving Mrs. Carson at a time like that. But she couldn't help it and didn't know what to do. She imagined what Mrs. Patmore would say about it and cringed at how upset she'd be with her later. Most notably, she knew that Beryl would remind her that _she_ wasn't the one enduring something difficult or painful and that made her feel very guilty.

Meanwhile, Carson was overwhelmed and uncomfortable sitting there with Robert who kept telling him not to be nervous. He was about to tell him that he was going to seclude himself downstairs after all. They could hear screaming and this time, Carson knew without question that it was Elsie and he couldn't bear to hear it. Just as he was about to get up Daisy ran by the room, pausing almost frozen in the doorway.

"Daisy?" Carson questioned, wondering what she was doing there.

The girl stopped, staring back at the men and stuttering as she tried to explain herself. Daisy was overwhelmed, reminded again of what she'd done when she saw Carson. They heard Elsie scream again and Daisy started to cry, turning and bolting from the library door.

"I wonder what that was all about." Robert raised an eyebrow.

"It's just Daisy, m'lord, the kitchen maid. Please excuse her, she's only just a girl." Carson knew what had happened immediately but was not disappointed with her, to him she really was just a child and he wasn't sure she belonged in the delivery room any more than he did.

"Right…" Robert understood.

"M'lord I think I'm going to go downstairs I…"

Both men froze when they heard a baby start to cry. Carson's heart skipped a beat and Robert grew anxious. The noise paraded on and seemed to suck all the air out of the room.

"Old chap." Robert asked. "Is that mine, or yours?"


	9. In An Instant, Part II

Ch 9- In An Instant, Part II

February 4, 1915, 2:45AM

"She's a girl!" Beryl exclaimed. "I knew it; she's a little girl!"

"Hello you sweet, perfect little person." Elsie cried, tears streaming down her cheeks as the baby was placed on her chest.

She'd given up a while ago, mentally that was, and allowed her body and Isobel's skill as a midwife to take over. She was exhausted but in total awe of what had just happened. The long ordeal was over and somehow they'd both survived. She had been terrified she'd go through all of that for not and the baby would be stillborn or too small to breathe on her own. She never imagined that instead she'd be such a loud screamer.

"She's a little girl Mrs. Carson and she's just perfect." Isobel confirmed over the baby's tears.

Elsie cried as she said this; beginning to cradle and kiss the infant. Her emotion was all consuming and in the moment she couldn't decide if it was dictated, chiefly, by relief or awe.

"Oh my little baby's so beautiful." Elsie sobbed.

While she'd co-existed with the baby for the past eight months, she could scarcely believe she was there, in her arms and very, very real. The last six hours of pain and agitation hadn't done much to convince her of otherwise and neither did the newborn's screaming.

"She's just wonderful. You both did beautifully." Isobel acknowledged.

"Did we really make it?" Elsie asked through her tears.

"You really made it!" Beryl cried joyfully.

Mrs. Patmore and Daisy were both crying now. The cook pulled her assistant into her arms and kissed the side of her head, acknowledging she was proud of her for having returned.

"You did: now hold your tiny treasure." Isobel urged.

"Oh but to me she's the biggest treasure in the whole of the world." Elsie started crying harder now.

For Elsie the experience of holding and seeing her baby for the first time was like having an almost twenty-year-old pain lifted off her heart. After years of trying for, then longing for a baby there she was, perfect in everyway and she could not believe it.

All four women looked on joyfully at the baby as her cries finally slowed. Isobel was proud and jubilant to be part of something so happy for once. Since the war had begun, she spent most of her days with wounded and dying young men. Delivering a baby had been a very pleasant departure for her; one she could look back on with joy during what she knew would be difficult days ahead. Beryl was overjoyed at the birth of her goddaughter and couldn't wait to hold her for the first time and start spoiling her rotten. Daisy was awed and proud of herself for having come back. She'd withstood it after all and felt like more of a responsible adult than ever before. Most of all, she was happy she hadn't missed it, because it'd been truly miraculous. She also couldn't wait to hold the baby who she didn't yet realize would become a surrogate baby sister of sorts.

Elsie was still in pain, and overwhelmed to the point of speechlessness. All she could do was cry. She studied the child awed by the little bits of Charlie and herself that were already so evident, particularly her little nose and her auburn hair. She couldn't believe the baby was real and so alive, and moreover that she and her beloved were so present in her.

The four women watched carefully as the baby opened her eyes, blinking as they adjusted to the light. Elsie started to cry harder, when she saw her daughter's eyes for the first time. All she saw when she looked into her still cloudy brown eyes was her Charlie and it reminded her of how much he loved her.

"Well hello my Charlotte." Elsie whispered, beginning to cry in awe again when the baby looked directly into her eyes. "I've been waiting to meet you for a very long time."

The baby girl blinked, trying hard to focus as she flashed her brown eyes back at her mother. Elsie broke down crying again and began to kiss the child's head, whispering to her:

"Oh my Charlotte, I love you so much more than you'll ever, ever understand."

One day, Daisy would tell Charlotte all about her birth and that her mother's eyes were the first thing she ever saw.

…

"Carson." Isobel called. He looked up suddenly his heart starting to pound when he realized the time had finally come. "Your wife and baby would like to see you now." She smiled, holding the door open for him. "I promise." She whispered. "After you hold the baby, you'll never see anything the same way again."

He gulped and made his way inside, part of him reluctant, the other desperate to see them.

"Hello my Charlie." Elsie beamed.

"Elsie."

He sighed with relief, seeing her in such good spirits. He'd not been able to get the sound of her screaming out of his mind, it had been painful and maddening for him. Now he felt relief…. among other things. She looked radiant as she sat up in bed, holding a tiny bundle he could not take his eyes off of.

Elsie looked down at the baby and smiled, taking its tiny hand in her own.

"M-may I come in?" Carson stuttered.

"Come and sit with your wife and bairn we've been waiting for you."

His breath caught in his throat and he began to walk toward them. In that moment, the baby in her arms started to fuss.

"Shuuuu... now don't cry! Someone's here to meet you! Your Daddy's here to meet you my sweetheart."

Without a word, Carson climbed onto the edge of his wife's bed, sitting with her and looking into the baby's face. He was awed in an instant at the sight of the newborn and froze, barely believing the baby before him was his child.

"Charlotte Elspeth Carson." Elsie began, starting to cry. "This is your Daddy, can you say hello?" She asked, biting her lip as her husband began to cry.

"She's a girl!" He asked joyfully.

"Yes Daddy, you get to have your little girl."

"Elsie she's so beautiful! She looks just like you."

"No she doesn't."

"But she does. She looks just like her beautiful mother."

The baby yawned and blinked, trying to squint up at him and he looked down at her totally in awe, readily seeing both his wife and himself in her tiny face. At first it stuck out to him that she had his eyes and a bit of his smile (not that she smiled much yet), Elsie's nose, cheeks and more than anything else her hair.

"Would you like to hold her?"

"M-yes!" He was shaken up and about to ask if she really meant him and then instead quickly accepted. The baby fussed as Elsie placed her into his arms. His heart flipped the moment he took her in his embrace.

"Hello Charlotte, I'm your Daddy." He whispered, tears in his eyes still as he kissed her forehead. "I'm so glad to meet you, my beautiful little girl." He beamed, beginning to cry harder now.

Carson was in awe of the tiny person that fit squarely in his two mammoth hands. He'd waited so long to be a father and wanted it so much. Now that it had happened it felt more amazing than he ever could've imagined. Charlotte yawned again and looked up at him, her eyes clear but he noted she was too little to focus on him. He smiled deeply as he just observed her, his heart quickly melting at the mere sight of her, at the fact that she was real and in his arms. His love for her was instant and it wasn't lost on him that she had the power to wrap him around her bitty fingers without even trying.

Elsie watched as her husband cradled their long awaited newborn baby, tears in his eyes. She was proud and her heart full of love. Something inside her told her she could finally rest in this moment: after years of wondering and worrying she'd given her beloved husband a child, the girl he'd always wanted.

"I love you so much my sweet beautiful man." She whispered. He turned to her, smiling brightly as they both cried.

"I love you so completely Mrs. Hughes." He teased.

"It's Mrs. Carson and don't you forget it." She teased back, leaning in to kiss him.

The couple kissed deeply. He reached up with his free hand to run his fingers through her hair. When they broke apart he brushed the line of her jaw with his fingers and rested his forehead against hers.

"I'm so proud of you my brave girl."

"Charlie I don't know…."

"You're the bravest woman I've ever known." He reiterated. "Charlotte don't you think Mummy is brave?" She beamed when he asked this. "Look at that nose, oh Elsie look at that tiny nose." He laughed.

"It's your nose." She giggled.

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is my love. And your eyes."

"Its your nose." He disagreed. "And I have no idea where this hair came from…" He said of the baby's little bit of auburn hair. The child's was a tiny bit more red colored than her mother's but it was still obvious where she'd gotten it.

"I'm so happy to know for sure that we make a beautiful baby together."

"Oh I knew we would…and look at you, look at you whose going to be a Daddy's little girl." Elsie teased, taking the baby's hand even as her husband held her. Elsie leaned down and kissed the infant's fist.

"Here would you like her to be a Mummy's girl?" He asked, she nodded quickly and he helped place her back in his tired wife's arms.

Elsie smiled looking down at the baby. The newborn girl dozed now, seeming to drift in and out of sleep every few moments.

"Charlotte it's Mummy." Elsie whispered. "Did ya know that sweet girl, it's your Mummy."

Charlotte blinked, staring back up at her, feeling overwhelmed by the bright light that shone above but still comforted by her mother's familiar voice. She already knew it by heart and it was normal to her. The baby looked back up at her mother, a quizzical look painted on her tiny face.

"Oh! You see that look, you see that look." Elsie whispered excitedly, running her finger along her newborn's cheek. "That's your Daddy right there if I ever saw him! You're so lovely my girl." She observed. "Look at you! Look at you sweet baby brown eyes. Look at you! Mummy is so proud of you and you're full of surprises aren't you? Looking so much like Mummy _and_ Daddy; and coming so suddenly. You're such a strong girl bein' born so early... Charlie what's wrong?" She asked, beginning to panic when she saw him begin crying again.

"Thank the Lord God you're alive and you're finally here." Carson began. Elsie understood his double meaning and began to cry too.

"Our Charlotte we waited for you for so long and you'll never understand how much we love you, our sweet, beautiful bairn."

"We promise you, you are our whole world. You matter more to us than anything ever could and we'll do everything we can to love you and protect you all our days." Carson whispered.

Both of them leaned down at the same time to kiss their baby on opposite sides of her head. Charlotte blinked in that moment; but closed her eyes again. She was soothed by her parent's touch and the familiar sound of their voices. They didn't fully realize that while she was tiny and didn't know where she was, or even who she was, she was already bonded to them and understood that she was loved.

Elsie yawned. She was happy but sore and exhausted.

"Do you want me to go soon?" He asked, kissing her forehead. "You should rest."

"No my Charlie, please stay the night with us." She requested and he smiled.

"I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been waiting for years to stay with my girls." He beamed, resting his forehead against hers as they looked down their newborn daughter.

"Well, actually it's more than just your girls."

"W-what?"

In that moment, Isobel came back in another bundle in her arms, she'd been listening from the hall and waiting for Elsie's signal.

"W-what's this?"

"It's your wee boy." Elsie bit her lip, trying to hold back tears.

"M-my what?" He asked as Isobel handed him the bundle she carried. It lifted a pain off of the nurses' heart to hand a boy to his father rather than to tell him he'd been taken away forever.

"It's your son." Isobel added.

Carson was in awe and said nothing as he stared down at the newborn boy in his arms, simply beginning to cry again.

"W-we get two? Do we really get to have two?" He asked, overwhelmed. He thought he was about to go into shock.

"My Charlie, meet Charlie Carson Jr."

He'd wanted his little girl so much, but he couldn't help but feel complete joy and a surge of pride in the mere presence of his baby boy. Carson smiled, leaning his forehead against the tiny baby's and kissing his very bitty nose.

"A-a boy and…" He was overwhelmed.

"A wee lad and a wee lass." Elsie finished; having already decided this is what she'd nickname the twins. Isobel left quietly, closing the doors behind her.

"T-tw…we had…my love I already thought you were brave before I knew you had twins."

"I had twins Charlie, and look at him isn't he the most handsome boy? Doesn't he look just like his Daddy?" She soothed.

Carson stared down at his brand new son, tears in his eyes. The boy shared his mother and sister's hair and without a doubt his eyes and nose. Whatever the case was, Carson could feel his own essence in the child and it awed him beyond reason. He'd never expected to have a son, let alone, to feel his own presence, or that of his love, in him.

If these children were anything, they were full of them.

"My father, he didn't love me. I really don't think so anyhow." Carson confessed, noting he was shaking.

The enormity in this statement hit him suddenly as he held his own son. It'd never been so painful as it was in that moment. He hadn't told Elsie that he'd been afraid to father a boy for this reason, but now that he was there, Carson found himself hooked instantly and he knew his infant son met the world to him.

"But **you**." He continued. "Charlie Carson, **you** are going to be so loved my son every day your father and mother have breath."

Elsie started to cry yet again, cradling her daughter as she watched her husband do the same with their son.

"I can't believe they're really here." She said quietly.

"Neither can I. Do you know what they mean?"

"Hmmm what my love?" She asked, looking back down into Charlotte's eyes.

"That my love for your and yours for me will live on long after we're gone."

"That's the most beautiful thing ever my love." She smiled, tears coming to her eyes as he leaned in to kiss her.

In that moment they heard a loud scream followed by the sound of a baby crying.

…..

Lord Grantham, who'd been downstairs in the library waiting by alone for the past hour, looked up hopefully and sighed with relief at the sound of the baby's tears. He'd been sure the first child he heard cry was his and Carson had felt the same. Robert had been so disappointed when Isobel had come down and told Carson his baby had been born, giving him no news on his own wife or child. Even so, he'd congratulated his friend and told him that he and his wife could stay in the room where she'd given birth and recover for as long as they like.

Robert found his time in the library unbearable without Carson's presence. The butler's nervousness and enthusiasm had kept his attention away from the sad reality that his own wife seemed to be suffering a great deal. Robert knew he could never say it out loud but it wasn't lost on him that Carson had been sitting there worried for his baby's health, and here he was secretly scared to death that his wife would not make it. He knew something was wrong and they were all hiding it from him. In a way he did not want to know what it was, not if it could be sorted out and forgotten: the outcome he most wanted. Now that a baby had clearly been born, he was hopeful.

"Do you suppose they're alright?" He inquired, seeing William come into the room out of the corner of his eye.

"I…I heard a baby cry, m'lord."

William was nervous. He'd overheard that Cora's baby was breech when he was upstairs and Lady Mary had sworn him not to say a word to her father. He didn't feel right about keeping such a secret, and moreover, like Robert he didn't appreciate medical detail and didn't want to know about it in the first place.

"Yes." Robert hesitated.

He looked up, still hearing the baby's tears. They echoed loudly throughout the house, and like the first baby, it sounded like it would be enough to wake the dead. He'd forgotten they could be so loud. Robert picked up his glass and took the last bit of his drink before getting up, deciding that he would go and try to talk to someone about what was going on.

"Papa." Came a voice and he turned to see Edith standing there.

He sighed with relief seeing instantly that she was happy. He knew right away it met that her mother was well, and he hoped it met another Crawley sister had been born.

"Hello my darling girl." He smiled.

"It's over now, you can come up if you'd like." She offered.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Robert found himself oddly overwhelmed as he followed his middle daughter up the stairs. He didn't know if it was due to his relief that his wife was alive, or because he was on the verge of being drunk. Whatever it was he didn't think he'd experienced this sensation in a long time, not since Mary had been born.

In truth, Robert went through something like this every time he'd become a father. Only, this time he didn't realize he could sense something profoundly different in the air and in the body language of everyone around him.

"Congratulations Papa." Sybil smiled, kissing his cheek as she came out of the bedroom.

The young nurse was excited and rather attached to her new baby sibling. At first she'd refused to leave, but had done so at her mother's insistence.

Robert was about to thank his daughter and ask why everyone was there except Mary but they didn't give him the chance. Edith and Sybil pushed their slightly intoxicated father into his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

"Cora." He smiled instantly at the sight of her. She was clearly exhausted and covered in sweat but she was smiling and very much alive. "You're alright!" He beamed.

For the majority of the night, that was all he'd cared about. He couldn't imagine life without her and didn't want to for anything in the world. He'd even quietly prayed that when the time did come, he would go first.

"Oh darling I'm wonderful." She smiled, touched that she was his first concern.

"W-who is that?" He asked a little bit nervously.

"It's your son." Cora smiled.

"M-my what?" He'd sincerely expected a fourth daughter.

"Your little boy." She confirmed happily.

"I have…" He was overwhelmed.

"Baby Benjamin." She said as he sat next to her, his eyes growing warmer as he looked down at the baby.

"A boy." He smiled, tears coming to his eyes.

"A perfect boy." Cora rocked the baby.

"W-we have a son?" In that instant, Robert understood where Mary had gone and assumed that she must be devastated.

"Benjamin Crawley, heir of Downton." She giggled.

Cora was exhausted, more so than Elsie Carson could ever dream of being, and was glad to have finally done what she was supposed to do (at least that was how her late father-in-law had phrased it) by giving Robert a son.

"He's beautiful." He said, starting to sob.

He'd never really expected a boy, not in his wildest dreams and now that he was there he couldn't even think of Matthew or Mary or any of the drama she'd been causing about loosing her probable status as the future Lady Grantham. Instead, his heart and mind were fixated solely on years of desperate longing for a son and heir.

He couldn't believe it had finally come to pass and the longings had been fulfilled in one sweet little boy who dozed peacefully in his mother's arms.

"He's beautiful." Robert cried. "And he looks just like Sybil." He laughed. Neither realized yet that he not only looked very much like his big sister but was her kindred spirit and always would be.

"He's a dream come true." She reflected.

Unlike her husband, Carson and Elsie, Cora did not cry. She was far too tired and had known confidently for months that her baby was a boy. She was not surprised or overwhelmed in the sense anyone else was, only grateful that she and her son would live when she knew they probably should've both succumbed to her hard labor hours before.

While not overly emotional like the rest of them, Cora had resolved to spend more time with Benjamin when he was little than she had with her other children. After all they'd suffered an hour a day wasn't enough time to share with him.

"My Cora are you really…" He asked again and she cut him off.

"I'm fine. I'm just fine." She assured.

"What…what happened?" He gulped, he'd promised himself he wouldn't ask and Cora was more than surprised that he did.

"Would you like to hold him?" She asked, deciding she'd explain it some other time. He understood immediately that he would rather not know and dropped the subject.

"I-I'd love nothing more than that."

The baby fussed and opened his eyes as his mother moved him to his father's arms. Being only minutes old, he was sleepy and still had his eyes shut tightly. Robert laughed through his tears, marveling over his beautiful little son, awed at the thought that in just an instant, life could change forever in a way you've always longed for, even years after you'd given up all hope.


	10. Unseated, Part I

Ch 10- Unseated, Part I

Because the three babies were born in the middle of the night the whole house rose very, very late the next morning, so late it almost felt like the afternoon to most of them. Elsie and Carson had woken a half hour earlier, surprised that their newborns were such a good sleepers and had only woken a handful of times during the night. Elsie wasn't sure that was normal but it sure was pleasant, at least for now.

Carson had gone downstairs to have breakfast with Lord Grantham, something he was not comfortable with but felt obligated to do, having been invited as a friend and not a bulter. Before he left he'd taken their still sleeping newborn twins and put them in bed with Elsie, kissing her atop the head.

Elsie lay there, holding them, staring back at both babies for what seemed like ages. It was her first time holding them both together and she was overcome with awe. Hours after they were born, the twins still didn't seem real to her. It didn't matter that she'd bore them and nursed then and spent nearly every waking moment thinking of their wellbeing for the last eight months, she still could not believe she was a mother. _Their_ mother. Finally the little girl, Charlotte, woke and yawned, settling deeper into her mother's arms.

"Good first morning my Charlotte." Elsie giggled, kissing Charlotte on the nose. The baby blinked.

"Elsie." Cora called from the other side of the door. "May I come in?"

Elsie looked up, surprised. She'd heard what had happened during Cora's labor the night before… _literally_ and couldn't believe she felt like getting up: especially when she didn't yet herself.

"Y-Yes, of course m'lady."

"How many times must I ask you to dispense with that?" Cora laughed when she opened the door.

"Sorry, habit I suppose. Are you alright?" She asked carefully.

"As much as I could be. I really shouldn't be out of bed but I wanted to meet your little bundles of joy. I heard its twins!" Cora was excited.

"Yes and they were the most pleasant of surprises too."

Elsie smiled, looking down at the twins. Charlie was sleeping, his tiny lips puffed out in an adorable little pout that Elsie thought looked like her husband when he slept, and Charlotte was wide-awake, doing her best to look back at Cora and her baby.

"May I?" Cora asked, sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Of course. He's a handsome one." Elsie giggled, looking over at Cora's baby who rested sleepily in his mother's arms.

Elsie was secretly relieved to discover that the Crawley baby was actually a bit smaller than both Charlotte and Charlie. That idea made her feel calm as if she'd done something right. Elsie looked down when she felt her half sleeping baby boy squeeze her finger tightly and begin to stir.

"He's so cute!" Cora squealed as Charlie yawned. "Did you have any idea you were having two?"

"No, well..." Elsie paused. "Perhaps an inkling, but overall I'm just as surprised as you." She laughed, rocking her babies gently.

Friends or not, her ladyship was still her ladyship and she didn't want them to start wailing in her presence. Charlie settled back to sleep and Charlotte opened her tiny brown eyes wider, also taking one of her mother's fingers in her bitty hand.

"Lady Grantham," She said, introducing her this way for the twin's benefit. "This is Charlie and Charlotte Carson."

"Well hello sweethearts, I may be Lady Grantham but you can just think of me as your friend Benjamin's Mommy." Elsie smiled, a little surprised when she said this. "Benjamin my love." She began, looking down at her partially awake newborn. "These are your new friends Charlie and Charlotte." She introduced. "Can you wave hello." She took his hand and tried to make him wave.

"Charlotte, this is Benjamin." Elsie did the same with Charlotte, neglecting Charlie because he was asleep. "Can you believe you were all born the very same night?"

"It's amazing." Cora reflected, smiling down at Benjamin.

Cora elected not to say anything but she felt strongly there was nothing coincidental about all of this and had from the moment Elsie had told her she was pregnant. She wasn't exactly sure what she thought but knew right away that the children's friendship had to be fostered and that the Carson baby needed to be included in the things her child did. Having been excited about it for months, she'd become even more convinced of it when they went into labor at the same time. And now that the Carson baby had turned out to be _babies_ she was doubly thrilled that her son would have not one but two playmates to grow up with.

"Are you alright?" Cora asked. "I know you had the other month almost."

"Yes. They're just wonderful. Mrs. Crawley said, after I had Charlie, that they were big enough and my body couldn't hold two anymore and that's why it happened so soon."

Baby Charlie Carson was unexpected and had been born just ten minutes after his sister. Elsie had already held Charlotte and kissed her when she started to feel pain again. It was just after Charlotte had been handed off to Daisy to be washed and wrapped up, that Isobel discovered there was a second baby about to be born. Charlie had arrived quickly and with relatively little effort on the part of his exhausted, overwhelmed mother. Because his sister continued crying the entire time, his father and Lord Grantham hadn't heard his cries when he was born.

"He's such a wonderful little surprise." Cora added.

"I think you're forgetting they all are." Elsie beamed.

She'd known for a long time she couldn't have children and didn't think she'd ever fully be able to fathom that she was the mother of twins. Charlie and Charlotte would always be a surprise to her, no matter what.

"Yes they are." Cora smiled. "You know, Dr. Clarkson…he told me I can't have another, that if I do I…well there's a good chance I'll…. die." She bit her lip, looking down at Benjamin.

Cora was in a daze about everything. She knew she and Benjamin were more than lucky to be alive; in fact it was probably a true, modern day miracle. Dr. Clarkson had all but said that. It'd been nine hours since Benjamin was born and in away, she felt like she hadn't caught her breath (she didn't know Dr. Clarkson felt much the same way). Cora couldn't feature how she would tell Robert all of this, only that she had to at some point.

"I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm so glad you're both well and with us."

"Oh me too. You have no idea." Cora smiled warmly, appreciative of her friend's encouraging thoughts.

"I hope…" Elsie said quietly, pausing for a moment and looking down at her twins.

Charlie snored his little head had fallen to the side, and rested on her breast. She giggled, again thinking he looked like his father when he slept resting against her breast. Charlotte was more awake than she'd probably ever been and Elsie caught her looking up into her face, seeming to study her. She smiled down brightly at her daughter and leaned into kiss her tiny face, sensing that the tiny girl craved her attention.

"I hope." Elsie continued. "That it'll be alright with you, and nanny that I've had twins, I…"

"Oh Elsie it's just wonderful! Little babies are a handful, but they'll be a little bigger by the time they get to nanny, after all you need to bond and heal and …actually I'm going to keep Benjamin myself…more often than I'd expected."

"Oh?" Elsie was surprised.

"Life is short." She said simply. "And I feel bonded to him in a way I never have anyone else."

It was true. Mother and son shared an incredible life and death battle that he would not be able to recall and she'd never forget. But that didn't matter. It changed the course of how she'd always see him and how she'd treasure him, and as a result, the brown haired little boy, who looked very much like her and his sister Sybil, would always remain bonded to her, no matter how old he got or who he loved.

"That's so sweet." Elsie said, hugging both the twins tight.

She wished she had that option. In many ways she loved the fact that she worked and throughout her pregnancy she'd told Charlie she wanted to stay on as Downton's head housekeeper, but now that she'd had her babies and started to bond with them she didn't want to leave them for a second and the thought she had to made her almost sad enough to weep.

But the need to provide for her sister, Becky, made it financially unfeasible for her to quit work and stay home with the babies. At least with this arrangement she'd be able to make time to take them from the nanny in the day…and with this arrangement, Elsie was already starting to sense they might have a better life than she and Charlie could give them without the Crawley's help and that maybe that was alright.

…

"Look at you, you're the spitting image of your ma!" Beryl laughed, excitedly, rocking Charlotte in her arms.

"She is not." Elsie corrected, looking down at baby Charlie as he started to nurse.

She was still not accustomed to this and found it painful and awkward, enough to where she did not want to continue with it much longer. She'd yet to say this to anyone, even Charlie who'd been up with her during the night, helping her nurse the twins for the first time. Neither of them had really known what they were doing but figured it out enough to get the children fed.

"Yes she is. She looks just like her Mummy. Hello Charlotte, it's Auntie Beryl! See I told your Mum you were a girl, I promised you I'd set her straight, and I have!"

Charlotte recognized Beryl's kind voice and had already taken a liking to her.

"And I told you I thought it was a boy." Elsie sighed. "Who knew we were both right?"

"Are you as excited as I am?" Beryl didn't think she could be even though they were _her_ babies.

"Oh I'm over the moon." She smiled down at her son, patting his thigh gently. "Mrs. Patmore, perhaps you could take Charlotte down to the kitchen and make her a bottle? There's some baby formula in…"

"But why, when your…"

She sighed. "Because Charlie's just like his father."

Beryl paused, tilting her head as she watched her good friend nurse her newborn baby son. She didn't know a thing about nursing and couldn't tell that Elsie had no clue what she was doing or that the newborn boy was famished.

"O, so he's a bit attached to your…"

"No! He's just an eater and if he's hungry there's no one getting in his way."

"Oh, I thought you met he liked…"

"Well I think he'd _**rather**_ I nursed him, if that's what you met." Elsie raised an eyebrow, understanding what her friend had been insinuating about her husband's attachment to her. She found it partially distasteful and partially hilarious. "But truthfully, I haven't quite gotten the hang of this and poor Charlotte's going to be hungry in a moment and I know there's not enough for her, so please…."

"Alright then, we can't have her starve, I'll take her down to get something to eat."

"Knock-knock." Isobel said, quietly knocking on the open door.

"Oh, Mrs. Crawley, please come in." Elsie smiled, she'd been waiting for her to visit all day.

"I'm just here to see how you are and to see the twins." She smiled pleasantly.

"Well in that case, would ya like to hold miss Charlotte while I get her a bottle?" Mrs. Patmore asked, not really wanting to give up any of her time with her brand new goddaughter, but she realized she couldn't really make a bottle while holding her.

"Oh, thank you, I'd love to!" Isobel took Charlotte in her arms and smiled, looking carefully back at Elsie as Beryl left the room. "Mrs. Carson, why would you nurse one and not the other?"

"Oh?" She was a bit embarrassed. "Charlie he…he's always hungry first and he seems to not leave enough for his sister and she goes without and we can't have that now can we?"

"No I suppose not." Isobel contemplated.

"I would've liked to have nursed them but it's just not going to work I'm afraid."

"Oh? Not at all?"

"No. Charlie is much too much of an eater and…" She paused, ashamed to admit this, but deciding to be frank. "I know nursing is better for them. I know they're premature and they need it and they need me. But, I just am not going to have the time, Mrs. Crawley, with having to work." She wanted to cry when she said this. It made her feel like a miserable failure as a mother. "I can't nurse two newborns, I'll be up in the nursery at all hours of the day and I..."

"I see." Isobel understood quickly.

"I know nursing's better for them." She said, looking down at Charlie. "And with every bit of me I want what's best for them."

"What if I talked to Lady Grantham?" Isobel asked, Elsie's head snapped up.

"You'd do that?"

Even if she and Cora were to be friends, Elsie did not feel comfortable asking for the space and time to nurse the twins…partially because she didn't think she could do it physically. She _wanted_ to bottle-feed and was ashamed to admit it.

"Yes. And don't worry about Charlotte not getting enough for now, really. I know its hard at first but please, don't let anything stop you. Some of that formula can be risky." It was back in 1915.

"I know…" Elsie paused.

"Its only your first day." She encouraged. Isobel understood everything that Elsie was not saying about the experience. "Gradually there will be enough to feed them both, and the three of you will get used to each other….and as for the time. I'll make sure it's made."

"Thank you." She said sincerely. "And thank you for everything else. We couldn't have done it without you." She smiled, feeling a little better now. She was a nurse, and the mother of a grown son, perhaps she was right.

"It's my pleasure. I'd much rather be here, delivering a baby than at the hospital… well you understand." She said, not wanting to get into detail about her life at the hospital, feeling it would cloud an otherwise happy event.

"I do." Elsie agreed.

"And these wonderful little twins, they're something I'll never forget." She said, smiling down at Charlotte.

"Mrs. Crawley?"

"Yes."

"Do you suppose the twins could call you Auntie Isobel? You were so loving with us and everything you did last night…"

Isobel had stayed up with Elsie and Charlie long after the twins were born, helping them to get settled as a family. She'd made sure Elsie was recovering, that the twins were well, that they knew how to care for them and countless other things. Both Carsons were touched at her generosity and the level of caring she showed them, neither would ever forget that she made their first night as parents all the more joyous of an occasion.

"Mr. Carson and I, we have no family but each other, really." She continued. "So we've decided that it's important that the babies have friends, baby Benjamin and Lady Grantham, and their godmother Anna, who will care for them if anything happens to Mr. Carson and myself, and their godmother, Mrs. Patmore who loves them and is there to spoil them everyday."

Isobel and Elsie shared a laugh about that. It'd been obvious to Isobel just how much Mrs. Patmore loved the twins, she'd doted on the girl from before she was even born, and gone crazy fawning over the boy from the minute she'd announced an unexpected twin was about to arrive.

"Anyway." Elsie continued. "Would it be alright, since you delivered them, if the twins called you Auntie Isobel, and if perhaps you'd like to be a godmother too, perhaps the one who imparts a lot of wonderful wisdom?"

"I should love that!" She smiled brightly. "I'd be honored. Hello again Charlotte." She said, turning to the baby. "I'm your Auntie Isobel. Did anyone mention yet," She said, turning back to Elsie, "that Charlotte looks just like you?"

…

"Charles Hughes Carson." Elsie confirmed.

Elsie was happy when Charlie came back from his time with Lord Grantham and got into bed with her and the babies. He took their son in his arms, giving her some time to try and nurse Charlotte again. It was not working out well.

"I like the sound of that." He smiled, looking down at his son and kissing his head.

They were busy filing out the twin's birth records and trying to relax while the twins were calm and they weren't needed elsewhere. Soon, Elsie would be served dinner in bed (Cora had insisted that the Carsons be waited on along with the family while the twins were newborns), and Carson would go downstairs and dine with the family as he had at breakfast, something he would always be uncomfortable with.

"And Charlotte Elspeth Carson. Both named after Mummy and Daddy." He laughed.

"I think its perfect." She reflected.

"So do I." He confessed. "How's the nursing?" He brought himself to ask.

She sighed. "Charlie…it hurts." She admitted.

"I'm sorry my love. I wish there was something I could do to help."

Carson felt horrible about everything she'd been through, but he felt worse about this. Neither of them had anticipated that nursing would be painful, or that she'd ne nursing for two, and didn't know what to think. Moreover, he wanted to help feed the twins just as he could help with everything else. He hadn't said it yet, but he also hoped that in the end she'd choose to bottle-feed.

"Mrs. Crawley says it'll get better, but I'm unsure." She explained.

"It probably will, and I really do think nursing is better…for them."

"I know you do." She hadn't picked up on his tone.

"But there's nothing I hate more than seeing you in pain. Nothing."

"Oh Charlie that's sweet."

"I wish I could take all that pain for you."

"I know my wonderful husband."

"If you'd like, I think we should start formula with the next feeding, that way you can get some sleep." He said, kissing the side of her head.

The twins had slept through more of the night than they'd expected but had left their mother no time to nap during the day and she was quickly growing tired.

"Hmmm how about we try this, I nurse in the day and you bottle-feed at night, so we do a bit of both."

"That sounds perfect, Mrs. Carson. See, you're already a wonderful Mother."

"I don't know about that…" She hesitated. "A good mother would nurse exclusively no matter how tired she got, or how much it hurt…but Charlie, it hurts really, very badly."

"My love you are only human and if you can't get rest, what good are you to them or yourself?" He asked. "And don't worry, you're going to be the best mother they could ever ask for. I love you."

"Oh Charlie I love you more." She promised, still nursing Charlotte as he leaned down to kiss her.

…

Carson got Elsie and the twins to sleep before he went downstairs. He found that he too was exhausted and would much rather retire for the evening than dine with Lord Grantham and his daughters, but again, he felt obligated more than anything else.

"Something wrong, m'lord?" He asked, meeting Robert at the entrance of the dining room.

"Yes Carson, yes there is." He sighed.

Someone had made the mistake of handing Lord Grantham the paper that day. The news was stressful and they should've thought better of it, but without Carson and Mrs. Hughes downstairs to manage things, no one had had the foresight to exercise discretion in this matter. It was something that should've waited.

Carson followed his employer into the dining room where Mary, Edith, Sybil and Isobel and Violet already sat waiting for them. Carson didn't know that Matthew had left, hours earlier after an argument with Mary, who was still not technically his fiancé but was, at the same time, assuredly not his ex. Mary was upset about his having left the way he did: angry with her, somewhat heartsick, and she hoped just a little bit in love.

Carson and Lady Mary made eye contact as he sat down at the table across from her, the two of them the most uncomfortable about the situation. No matter how comfortable the family became with breaking protocol, he knew he'd never be all right with it and did not want to be part of it. As such, Lady Mary felt similarly and he knew it.

Many years later she would look back on that night's dinner as a sign of times to come. Matthew gone and Carson across the table from her signified madness and a world turned upside down. She should've known right then, that she had been right about Charlotte Carson eventually taking her place in the house without even trying. Just in being born, Benjamin and Charlotte had easily unseated her and Matthew and sealed everyone's fate. Mary saw this all very clearly, and in thirty years time, would despise herself for ignoring what she knew to be true.

"Papa, what's wrong?" Edith asked.

He sighed, taking a drink of water before he began.

"It's not about Benjamin, is it?" Sybil asked. She adored Benjamin; he'd quickly become her favorite sibling.

"No, no. Benjamin and the twins are all doing splendidly." He smiled briefly before continuing. Carson nodded in agreement at his words. "No, this is about the war." He stopped.

"Oh?" Isobel asked. She and Sybil exchanged glances, wondering if this new news met that they should get back to the hospital soon.

"It would seem that Germany has declared war around the British Isles."

"Does that mean they could invade?" Edith asked anxiously, not really understanding how this was any different from the war that had already been declared.

"Hopefully not." Robert assured. "Most likely, it'll just be a heightened naval battle; but that said, it's all coming closer to our shores."

Mary drew a ragged breath, her concern for Matthew piqued exponentially in that moment, and she felt she'd made a grave mistake in saying no.


	11. Welcome Home, Part I

Ch 11- Welcome Home, Part I

"Hello my sweet babies, hello." Elsie soothed, looking down at her newborn twins. "Mummy certainly didn't expect for there to be two of you. How could she have gone eight months without knowing you were two and not one? Isn't that silly of your Mummy?"

The baby boy twin, Charlie, yawned deeply as he looked up at his mother, his tiny blue eyes straining to see her. His sister, Charlotte was half asleep again. Truthfully, it wasn't Elsie's fault that she didn't know to expect twins it was Dr. Clarkson's, who was not highly skilled at noticing little things like that, something that no one but Isobel Crawley had gathered and no one would ever speak of.

"What beautiful babies you are." She giggled, tears in her eyes.

It was snowing outside and the family of four were back in their cottage after three long days at Downton. Charlie and Elsie were eager to settle into the house with the twins they hadn't known they were expecting. Two instead of one made it more overwhelming in everyway but it also made the miracle even greater. The Carson's felt wholly and of course, doubly blessed.

Elsie was in the kitchen with the babies, and Carson was outside, getting more firewood out of their cellar.

"I hope it's not too cold for my baby lad and my baby lass." She said peering down at the twins who lay cuddled up in a basket together. "Mummy loves you so much my sweet little darlings."

"Everything alright in here?" Carson asked. Elsie looked over at the open door, wrapping the twin's blanket tighter around them as the cold air came in.

"Yes, but please, hurry with the fire Charlie I don't want them to freeze to death."

Because they were a little premature, Isobel had emphasized the importance of keeping them especially warm before she sent them home, Carson thought his wife was a bit paranoid about it. Charlie paused, looking over her shoulder at the babies and smiled deeply.

"Well would you look at that." He laughed. "They sleep better when they're together, just like you and I!"

"Of course they do, until a few days ago they only knew each other."

For varying reasons, Elsie had felt lonely for much of her life and wondered what it might be like to have a relationship that was wired into you in this way that you were born with. She delighted in the fact that her children were close already, seeming to thrive in each other's presence.

"What do you say we get the three of you off to bed to rest…." Carson began. He'd been worried about having Elsie on her feet for so long.

"I am a bit tired." She confessed.

"Are you sure they can be in the one cradle…" This suggestion of Isobel's, of having them sleep together unnerved him. He didn't think it was safe.

'Yes. They shared my insides until two days ago they can share a cot. Besides, I'm sure they'll give you more trouble than it's worth if you separate them anyway."

"But it…"

She sighed. "She says it'll keep them warm, and happy and help them grow its natural for them..."

"Fine." He sighed. "But if one rolls over on the other, separate sleeping arrangements it is."

"Charlie they're too little to roll!'

Elsie giggled when he walked away to build the fire, turning to her wide-awake newborn son. "I think you'll find your Daddy loves you very much and is quite a bit overprotective."

Charlotte woke up in that moment, yawning so much it seemed to overpower her little body.

"My little Charlotte, are you a dream?" Elsie asked, smiling brightly. "Because you're surely what they're made of."

Lord and Lady Grantham had done the unprecedented thing of giving Elsie and Carson a considerable amount of time off after the babies were born. Carson would have three weeks off and Elsie a little over a month, after which time, Charlotte and Charlie would join Benjamin in Downton's nursery. No one knew how Downton would run without Charles and Elsie, and for certain no one was more panicked about it than Mrs. Patmore who'd pledged not only to help with their work while they were gone but also bring them dinner every night.

Cora and Robert had invited the Carson's to stay at Downton for as long as they liked, insisting that they be waited on hand and foot. It was something that all new parents should have, according to Lady Grantham. Elsie wasn't completely comfortable with the notion. Having watched her mother go back to work barely days after her sister Becky was born, she didn't find it necessary to convalesce for that long. Nonetheless, she and Carson decided to accept the privilege extended to them and stayed for several days until she felt well enough to make the journey home.

Now the twins were three days old and a little more alert than they'd been at birth. The Carson's had planned on walking home but Cora wouldn't have it and sent them home in a car driven by Branson, with several baskets full of baby things, blankets and food. Mrs. Patmore had had an awful time before they'd gone and for a moment refused to let twins, who she'd grown quite attached to, go.

Carson and Elsie, on the other hand, were secretly ecstatic to take their children home. It had been the thing they were most looking forward to because it made the whole surreal thing seem so new all over again, and more than that, it marked their first time sharing their home life with them, rather than their life at Downton. They were supposed to have been born at home, after all.

"It's just the four of us now my loves, you and me and Daddy. That's your family." She soothed, reaching into the basket to take one of each of her children's bitty feet. She leaned down and kissed them. "We waited a long time to make a family, and you both make it extra, extra special, did you know that?"

Charlotte looked back at her Mother with bright brown eyes, able to see her a bit better now than she could at birth. Charlie lay back, sucking on his tiny hand, gnawing on it with toothless little gums Elsie found just adorable.

"My miracles." She laughed, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I want to show you around, but I'm waiting until Daddy finishes the fire." She whispered. "It's a smaller house than Downton, but it's your home with a Mummy and Daddy who adore you more than the world and your very own room, how many little lads and lass' can say that?"

Truthfully, Elsie felt bad that they had to share, but she figured it would be fine for now. The twins were just babies and it would be many years before they were too old to share. Moreover, Elsie intended to raise children who liked each other and had decided she wouldn't put up with the rivalry that commanded many sibling relationships, Lady Mary and Lady Edith, for example.

"Thank you for the fire, Daddy." Elsie said gently.

He said nothing and smiled, coming to his wife's side and placing his arm around her. Together, they looked down, smiling at their newborn baby twins.

"They're perfect Mrs. Carson." He kissed her cheek.

"They are, Mr. Carson."

The two said nothing for a moment, staring back at the twins. Charlie continued to suck on his own hand and Charlotte was beginning to drift off again.

"Would you like to take a nap, my darling?" He asked her.

"No, no I think I'd like a bath actually."

"A bath?" He was surprised.

"Yes. I think it'd be just the right thing to soothe all the places I ache." He felt terrible when she said that. "And the two of you can stay with your Daddy." She smiled.

…..

Elsie hadn't really wanted him to come. She felt awful and very ugly. She certainly didn't want to be seen fully unclothed, even by her husband of so many years…. well maybe _especially_ by her husband of so many years.

Baby Charlie seemed to watch as his father took the cloth he was holding and began to rub his mother's back and neck ever so softly. Elsie didn't know how she felt about his insistence that he help her wash, or that he rub her back. At the same time, her back still ached badly and she found that the kind gesture was helping.

"Soon we're going to wash Charlie and Charlotte." She remarked.

"Oh?" He wasn't sure he was ready for this.

Not only was he overprotective of both her and the twins, but he was secretly very worried he'd make a mistake while caring for one of them.

"Yes, they're three days old it's time for a bath I think."

"Do _**you**_ feel any better?" He asked anxiously, changing the subject.

"Hmmm. A little." She smiled, looking down into her husband's arms.

He held Charlie who was wide-awake and looked up at her with big clear blue eyes. Charlotte was fast asleep in the basket they'd brought upstairs with them.

"Oh my handsome men." She smiled, reaching out to caress the baby boy's chin. "My very handsome men."

"He has your eyes." He smiled, enchanted. He thought it was his favorite thing about his son.

"And she yours." She smiled back.

"You may have handsome men but I have beautiful girls." He beamed, looking down into the basket beside him where Charlotte slept. "And I don't know about you, but I'm in love with both my girls, and with a newborn boy far more handsome than I."

"I'm over the moon." She promised.

"You knew about this, didn't you?" He asked of the fact that their children were twins.

"I certainly did not!"

"You made a blue blanket and a pink blanket." He laughed, not believing her.

"For my boy and your girl." She said as he continued to rub her back and she started to wash her hair.

"I'd say that speaks of knowing Mrs. Carson."

"Get away with you." She teased. He leaned down and brushed her lips softly with a kiss when Charlie began to fuss. "Umm he's hungry I think."

"Alright come on my boy. Let's get you a bottle before you wake up your sister."

"Charlie I can nurse him…"

"No, no you need time to relax, Charlotte's asleep so I'll leave her with you."

"Alright that's fair enough." She agreed.

Elsie sighed and leaned back against the tub, closing her eyes as she sunk deeper into the water. She submerged herself all the way to her neck and sighed, the warm water quickly soothing her most sore places.

…

"Well I never expected this I must say." He smiled, looking down at his son as he took to his bottle. "You know, your Mummy was still young enough to have a baby." Carson began.

Well, actually she wasn't really young enough to have a baby either. Just young enough to still get pregnant: there was a difference.

"But me…I'm afraid I'm quite old for it. So your father asks for your forgiveness, if he's ever too slow or too anything else. He's an old father, but so happy to be your father nonetheless."

Carson was…well … ancient for a first time father, especially in 1915. But it didn't matter to him one bit. He smiled, looking into his son's tiny eyes. The twin's eyes had been repeatedly changing in color since their birth. Today it was settling into bright blue eyes for Charlie and brown for Charlotte. His and hers eyes. It would stay that way.

Carson looked down at his son, observing how much of his wife was obviously present in him. Like his sister, he'd inherited his mother's reddish auburn hair, and in his case, her blue eyes. He marveled over how both babies had so much Elsie in them and yet there was still a lot of him there too.

"I'm so happy you have your mother's beautiful eyes." He whispered.

Carson thought back to the holiday he and his wife had taken eight months earlier, he never would've thought so much would come of it. They'd planned for the trip to be relaxing, private time where they could enjoy each other freely, without having to hide the true nature of their relationship. Both had relished the trip, even many months after. But certainly neither of them ever would've expected they'd finally get pregnant, so many years after giving up on it.

"Truthfully; I never expected a son. I spent the whole eight months wanting your sister and expecting her." He laughed. Charlie blinked, looking up at his Dad. Carson felt his whole soul smile. "Little boy I gave up on you almost a lifetime ago."

Charlie sighed, continuing to have his bottle. At one time Carson had been looking forward to having a son, perhaps even two of them, and he'd _**idealized**_ the idea of having a little girl... But he let go of the idea of children altogether, it becoming too painful for him once it became apparent that Elsie was not going to get pregnant. And for some reason, once she did, he'd thought only of life with a daughter.

"You're the best surprise I've ever gotten." He laughed, rocking him in his arms.

For several days, Carson had been thinking carefully about his own boyhood. His father had been a hard, callous man who'd rarely if ever shown him love, let alone mercy. He'd known, for a long time, how he planned to parent a daughter. He thought it would be easy for him, and had decided to love and cherish her just as he did his wife and his mother, except with a little girl of his own, he could be there to dote on her, make her feel confident and loved, teach her what a good man was like, to make time for a tea party with her when she asked…. and so many other things that seemed almost inherent to him. But for a boy…he didn't know how to begin loving a boy or parenting him, only that he did love him very much. In the end, Carson decided the best thing to do was to love him. Unconditionally and just as he'd once wanted to be loved by his own father.

"I will do for you what I longed for my father to do for me: I will cherish you, and your sister, and make you the center of my life little Charlie."

Carson was an old father and so he decided he'd do the thing his father had refused to do for him and his mother: make happy memories. Ones that his children would cherish and hold in their hearts, as they grew into their own and he faded away.


	12. Grateful

Ch 12- Grateful

February 8th, 1915

"Shu, shu my Charlie, shu you've had a hard day but Mummy's got you, she's got you." Elsie shushed, rocking her four-day-old baby very gently.

She was exhausted and scared. It'd been hours since the incident but her heart had yet to stop racing. She wasn't entirely sure that it ever would. Charlie had been such a surprise in the first place…. the new mother found herself shaken still, her nerves raw and rattled to the core. The words that'd been on her heart the whole time, but remained unspoken rang unceremoniously through her subconscious still: "The lord giveth and the lord taketh away…"

"My strong boy. Mama's got you Charlie and she's not going to let you go not for anything in the world."

Charlie sighed, nestling peacefully into his mother's arms. The day's ordeal had left the newborn shaken and taught him, at a young age, what fear was. It had dealt his mother and father a similar, terrifying lesson.

Carson stood poised on the edge of the stairs, quietly watching his wife as she tearfully cuddled their newborn son. He was jealous and wanted to be the one to hold their boy on this most difficult of days. It had, in fact, been one of the most painful days of his whole life and he was still reeling from its affects. Nonetheless, he found himself grateful, more than anything else, that his son was still alive.

"Bitty boy, my bitty surprise boy." She soothed, kissing his mostly baldhead. She smiled, taking a breath and just looking at him in disbelief. The baby fussed. "You're okay, you're okay now and your Mummy is ever so grateful."

…

February 13th, 1915

"How's it coming along?" Carson asked, sticking his head in the nursery door.

A little more than a week had passed since the twin's birth and things were still rough for the new parents, not to mention the twins. In fact, rough was an understatement at this point.

"Not latching on well, I'm afraid." She said of their daughter.

Nursing had come natural to her brother, but Charlotte was not taking to it well. Elsie had given up all hope of abandoning nursing, which was still painful for her, days earlier when they'd discovered that Charlie was allergic to the formula and could not be bottle-fed.

"How's Charlie?" She asked, still on pins and needles about him.

"He's happy, he's full and asleep downstairs, by the fire…has Charlotte eaten anything?" He asked carefully.

"I can't tell, I just know she's starving." Elsie mumbled sadly, playing with her little girl's fingers.

Charlotte was fussy and desperate for food. She tried to suckle but couldn't very well, even though her little life literally depended on it and she was on the verge of screaming.

"Shu, shu, my sweet one, it's alright, it's alright." Elsie sighed. She buried her face in their daughter's not wanting her husband to notice she was crying too.

"Mrs. Carson, may I make a suggestion?" He asked and she nodded simply. He thought she needed a break more than anything else. "How about you go and make a bottle and I take over holding her for a while."

"Alright." She sniffled. "Just, just try and see if you can get her to nibble on your finger a little, Mrs. Crawley said that might finally get her suckling enough to nurse."

"Alright, I'll see what I can do."

Carson felt terrible when his wife handed him their daughter, kissed her tiny head and then left the room crying. She was truly overwhelmed and nothing he did seemed to help her much.

"Charlotte." He whispered. "Please eat, just a little tiny bit when Mummy brings back the bottle. I know you can't help what's happening, but you really need to try harder."

Things had started out rough with the twin's feeding and had not gotten much better in the nearly ten days since their birth. If anything, they'd gotten much worse. Charlie had been a natural born eater from the start, which was fine if only you fed him the right thing… and Charlotte had had problems suckling that kept her from being properly nourished. The first few days, Elsie had thought there simply wasn't enough milk, but as soon as she'd switched Charlotte to the bottle, she'd discovered she just couldn't eat.

Mrs. Crawley had told them it was because she was a preemie and that some preemies had trouble with their suckling mechanism until they hit the date they were supposed to have been born at. Carson sighed, lamenting they were still weeks away from the twin's original due date.

Breastfeeding was nearly impossible for Charlotte, but she was able to get some nourishment from a bottle (although not nearly what she needed). So a few days after they were born, Elsie had decided to switch exclusively to bottle-feeding, and soon made the horrific discovery that Charlie was very allergic to the formula his sister depended on. Formula had made the then four-day-old boy spit up uncontrollably, to the point where Dr. Clarkson had had to be called… Carson and Elsie had been terrified that they were going to loose their newborn boy, but he'd finally recovered at very last minute. It had nearly been too late.

When he recovered, Charlie had wanted nothing but to rest in his mother's arms. She had sat there with him in the dark for hours, an eerie quiet blanketing the room and in fact the whole house, as she lavished him with as much comfort, warmth and love as she cold muster. The infant didn't make a sound and not another peep was to be heard save his mother's gentle whispers and quiet tears.

Elsie thought the look on his tiny face, both during the ordeal and after, was permanently etched in her memory. He'd looked up at her, helpless, with frightened, wide eyes, the terror in his tiny face broke her heart in a way she'd never understood that it could be broken.

She had thought she understood a mother's love, and held it in her heart many times before: when she was still pregnant, when she'd gone into labor too soon and worried they wouldn't live, and yet again when she held them for the first time and fell in love with two little souls instead of one…. But having her son be so little and so deathly ill brought things to a new level for her. The whole thing made her fall ten times more in love with them than she'd ever thought she could be, and in truth, made her a bit overprotective just as she'd accused her husband of being.

"My beautiful boy." She whispered. She checked in on Charlie as she made Charlotte's bottle.

He was fast asleep in his basket in front of the fire. The baby boy slept pleasantly and his mother noted he'd grown quite a bit since his allergic reaction days before. Elsie wished that Charlotte would follow suit, and begin to eat and grow and flourish in the way her brother was just starting to. She'd been born strong and bigger than both Charlie and Benjamin Crawley. Now she was beginning to flounder and was likely the smallest of the three babies: it was starting to scare Elsie to death.

Seeing her baby girl suffer from hunger and struggle to eat made her sick and paranoid, just as Charlie's allergic reaction had. She was trying desperately to hide her growing fear and frustration from her husband, but after days upon days of worry, compounded with sleepless nights, she didn't think she could handle it anymore. She thought she was going to crack soon.

Elsie surveyed her house as she warmed the bottle over the stove. It was a chaotic mess: there were piles upon piles of laundry everywhere. She never could've imagined how much laundry she'd be doing in the first few weeks alone, or how much work twins would be. Carson did more than his share, and Anna and Daisy came to help, but it still wasn't much of relief.

Elsie looked up sighing sadly when she heard Charlotte start to wail; noting her screaming didn't disturb Charlie one bit. She rushed upstairs, exhausted, bottle in hand, but ever the loyal mother.

"Mummy's back and she's ready to start trying again." She said, coming back into the twin's room.

"Are you sure?" Carson asked over Charlotte's screaming.

He'd hoped to give Charlotte her bottle. With Charlie nursing around the clock, Elsie no longer had any break to speak of. Feeding Charlotte, he figured, was one of the few things he could do.

"I'll do anything I have to do to get her to eat." She reminded, biting her lip.

He watched carefully as she took Charlotte back into her arms and sat in the rocking chair, it being obvious to him the lengths she was going to try to hide her emotions. She'd said very little about how she was feeling, but Mrs. Crawley had warned him it was normal for her to be very emotional, even without the twin's circumstances.

"Elsie, Elsie love it's going to be alright: I promise." He attempted to soothe.

"It's our fault isn't it Charlie?" She asked, sniffling as she offered the bottle to the baby.

"What is?" He raised an eyebrow.

"That our babies are suffering. The fact that they're… that our stupidity almost killed our son, that…" She was shaking now and could not find the words.

"Mrs. Carson. Stop." He said calmly, sitting on the ottoman across from her rocking chair. "We didn't know he was allergic to the formula, we would've had no way of knowing, especially not when it's been a saving grace for Charlotte. And its no fault of ours she can't suckle yet; we're doing the best we can for them." He smiled suddenly before continuing.

"They're here, Elsie. They're here and they're not perfect. They're human remember? And tiny ones at that! Sometimes I don't think we were expecting humans: just perfect little living dolls."

"Perhaps you're right, Mr. Carson." She sniffled, looking down at Charlotte.

"First weeks are tough." He reminded, sitting next to her and taking their fussy daughter's head in his hand. Elsie laughed, swallowing her tears, finding it precious that Charlotte's head fit totally in the palm of her husband's giant hand.

"She's so tiny." She whispered. "I just don't want to let them down…"

"And we're not." He promised. "We'll figure it out. I know you're worried you don't have time to nurse both when we go back to work. " She nodded. "But I promise that by then it'll all be sorted out."

Elsie gulped. If it weren't sorted out by then…well then she'd probably have lost a baby. She stopped as her lip began to quiver, unable to bear the thought. Carson reached out and placed his hand on his wife's cheek softly, it wasn't lost on him that she was usually the one to comfort him when he was worried about something; he was usually the one that needed talking down.

"Remember how loud she was when she was born?" He laughed. She nodded. "It was the most reassuring thing in the world to me. Especially when I figured out that was my baby crying…She's a strong, healthy baby and so is Charlie. We just have to learn their limits and they have to catch up to who they're supposed to be…they're not supposed to be learning anything yet, remember, they're supposed to be inside you still."

"And that's my…"

"It's not your fault." He said quickly. "It's the nature of twins."

At least that's what Dr. Clarkson and Isobel had both assured them.

"They'll catch up, they'll eat, and then after that they'll smile." He promised.

"I want to see my girl's smile most especially." She admitted.

"And she'll make it there. I have a feeling she'll make it a lot of places." He smiled, looking down at his daughter who'd fallen asleep once again. In addition to being a lousy eater, she was also far more tired than her twin brother and slept a lot compared to him. In the beginning, it had been the other way around and that's why Elsie was worried, she already knew it wasn't in her daughter's nature to be like this.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She whispered.

"She struggles because she's strong." He stopped and watched his wife smile when she realized he was speaking of her too. "I promise you she'll go places. Wonderful places you'd never expect."

Elsie bit her lip, holding back a smile she wasn't sure she could show: she didn't, after all, want to tempt fate. This was her dream for her children, a life full of wonderful places, people and things they never would've expected. Was it too much to hold out hope that that was possible for them?

"You know I was afraid this wouldn't happen." She reflected.

"What wouldn't?"

"That she wouldn't win your heart, not like Lady Mary…"

"Of course she has! You're right in that I do have a soft spot for Lady Mary, but Charlotte's my own little baby!" He assured, smiling down at the child whose tiny head still rested in his hand. "No one could ever win my heart in the precise way she has, dare I say, not even you."

"Well that's the way it's supposed to be isn't it Charlotte?" She asked, comforted by his words. "For you to be the apple of Daddy's eye."

"And that she is."

…..

"Isn't he just the cutest?" Cora fawned.

Sybil and Edith sighed, looking back at their new baby brother from over their mother's shoulder. The two youngest sisters had taken to baby Benjamin in a way they thought Mary never would. Unlike her, they didn't resent his birth or assume he was taking their place; instead they were simply happy to welcome a new sibling into the family and looked forward to loving him and teaching him things.

The family sat in the sitting room now, just the five of them together minus Robert. Cora, Edith and Sybil looked over Benjamin's bassinet, fussing over him, talking to him, caring for him. Mary remained on the other side of the room, a glass of wine in one hand and the end of her necklace in the other. She toyed with it nervously as she leaned against the fireplace, staring back at her mother and siblings, but too lost in her own thoughts to focus on them. She was almost off in her own world and Robert felt much the same.

Lord Grantham had just joined his family and had so far gone unnoticed. He was trying to decide if he should wait for his mother's arrival before discussing his news. Instead of saying anything he stood, poised but completely unconfident in the doorway, watching his wife and daughters fawn over his long awaited son. He loved his son, more than life its self, but life had seemed to start crashing down on him from the moment he'd been born…first there'd been Cora's near death experience during labor, then the news of expanded war and now…and now this. Just about the last thing he needed was this.

"Papa whatever is the matter?" Edith asked, finally noticing he was there.

Mary turned her head, her eyes widening with alarm when her sister asked this. She also hadn't noticed he was there at first. Robert paused. They'd been through this before, he was sure, if they recovered, they would go through it again. He thought about getting his wife alone and telling her the news but he figured there was no sense in that: it was everyone's burden.

"It seems that…it seems that we're running out of money." He explained.

He'd just returned from seeing his attorney and other advisors in London. He'd left early that morning to make Benjamin his official, legal heir.

"What?!" Cora looked up, her tone completely different than the baby talk she'd just been using on her son.

Robert sighed. "It's funny isn't it?"

He went and poured himself a drink, not waiting for anyone to come into the room and make it for him. Sybil noted that Benjamin was wide-awake and followed his father's pacing with his tiny eyes, seeming to look around the room confused.

"Now that I have an heir…well a natural heir I was to have assumed all my problems would just slip away."

"Papa what is it?" Mary's eyes widened and she put down her drink.

"The land is not…productive enough." He said. "If we don't start to think of ways to improve, to innovate, to make money well…. Benjamin will have a title when he takes over, and the estate, but not a cent to his name."

"What are we going to do?" Mary asked with alarm. She'd been wondering about this for some time.

Edith looked back almost surprised, her attitude toward their new brother had been almost callous and she would've assumed she didn't care.

Robert sighed, looking down at his tiny son. "We'll have to diversify, work hard, and invest in the land, weed out tenants who don't pay… make sure it runs like a well-oiled machine."

"Will that make a difference?" Edith asked.

"That and investing. It's not that our money is gone, per say its that times are changing and we must change with them. And then there's Benjamin's job." He said his wife and daughters listened carefully. "He must marry..." Robert paused, not knowing how to phrase this. "The _right_ girl."

Mary sighed, wondering how she could've ever forgotten that little requirement. Her father, after all, had married for money and then happened to fall in love with her mother later. She supposed it was Matthew who made her think less about all of that. She was coming to face that he was slowly changing her as a person and that maybe it wasn't a bad thing.

"Oh but darling." Cora complained, rocking Benjamin's bassinet. "I want him to marry for love!"

…..

"Hello." He whispered so softly Charlotte couldn't possibly hear.

Elsie and the twins were fast asleep, Charlie in one crib, Charlotte in the other. Carson was tired, but too overwhelmed to sleep. Instead he sat awake, peering down into his newborn daughter's cradle at his bedside. Charlotte slept soundly, her tiny eyes sealed shut. He couldn't help but just sit and marvel over her very existence. He knew he'd feel this way, but he had no idea she'd have him wrapped around her tiny fingers so quickly, it'd been literally instant. He'd found it funny that Elsie had asked him about this earlier. He didn't know how she could've thought he was anything but infatuated, not just with Charlotte but with Charlie too. In fact, even a week after birth, he was still, in a word: amazed.

He hadn't known what he thought she'd look like all this time but was so awed that she looked so much like well… them. Charlotte had his eyes, Elsie's coloring and her smile _(he thought)_ but the look on her face while she slept was all him. He'd never expected the child could have so much of him while looking just like her at the same time and it was amazing, especially since both twins were that way.

Carson's eyes widened when Charlotte began to stir.

"Oh hello my little darling baby." He whispered as she fussed. "No, no lets not wake up your Mummy and brother. How about a bottle, hum?" He asked, rocking the fussy newborn as he picked her up. "No, Charlotte, come on, that's it don't cry." He soothed, trying to calm her to no avail.

"Shu…that's it." He soothed as he came downstairs. "Now's not the time for a cry, but it might be time to try eating again." He talked to her as he bounced her gently, trying to keep her from sobbing. "You'll be spending some time with Auntie Beryl tomorrow. Because it's Valentines Day." Carson yawned. "And I have a surprise planned for your Mummy…"

Carson went downstairs, hoping, once again to try to feed Charlotte. But by the time he got there, he found that she was drowsy and near sleep once again.

"Did you just need a bit of comforting in the night my love? It's okay to just want to be held."

He was disappointed and had hoped she'd been hungry enough to eat. It would've been the perfect gift for his anxious wife on Valentines Day. He sighed and continued rocking the baby, figuring there was no point in pleading with her about food. He knew she was desperate and doing the best she could, and like his wife, it made him sick to watch it.

"You're just what I always hoped you'd be Charlotte Carson, did you know that? You're everything your father ever hoped for and more." He whispered, resting his forehead against hers.

Late at night he felt like he could really let his guard down. He was scared too and didn't feel he could be emotional in front of his wife at a time like this. Carson cried softly, rocking Charlotte back to sleep as he whispered to her.

"I know you're strong and you're smart and doing the very best you can, but Daddy hopes so much you're alright. He's waited for you too long and you're the only you he will ever have."

Elsie woke up to find her husband and daughter gone. Concerned for Charlotte, she crept downstairs to peak at them. She wanted to rush over to them, but decided to leave them be when she heard her husband whispering the sweetest things she could think of to their little girl. She was exhausted and didn't realize he was crying and upset for all the same reasons as she. So now, even in the midst of his own sorry, his words comforted his wife, warming her heart and bringing her much needed peace. Suddenly, she wasn't so worried about where they were going, but grateful to just be where they were, in that moment.


	13. A Brave New Beginning

Ch 13- A Brave New Beginning

February 4th, 1915, 2:48AM

"Mrs. Carson. You're going to have to bear it a little longer to get your second baby out."

"My what?!" Elsie cried, suddenly feeling a now familiar pain rip through her gut once more. "Ummmm what's going on?"

She winced, breathless as she listened carefully to the sound of her newborn daughter crying in the distance. Elsie was sure something was wrong with her but was thankful the baby seemed perfect. It met that at least father and daughter would have each other when she was gone.

"You're having two babies Mrs. Carson." Isobel explained.

She was concerned it seemed to her that Elsie was almost delirious now and she wondered if she understood.

"No, no I can't have two! I can't have…uuugggh!" She cried out, partly in pain, partly in shock, grabbing Beryl's hand. She knew exactly what had been said and was scared to death.

"It's twins!" Beryl exclaimed excitedly, trying to get her friend to understand. The cook was excited realizing now that she'd have two godchildren to spoil instead of one.

"Please, I don't wanna do this, make it stop, make it stop, ahhhhhhhhh!"

…

10 Days Later

"I just came to see how things were running around here…" Beryl lied.

Elsie paused, Charlotte on her shoulder. "Alright I suppose. I don't get much rest, truthfully. That's where Mr. Carson is now, he was up with this one all night, he's just exhausted."

Charlotte blinked, innocently staring back toward Mrs. Patmore only she couldn't see that far. She had in fact kept her father up all night. No one minded it though as it had been for a good cause. Carson had battled his daughter through the evening, trying to ensure that some of the contents of her bottle made their way into her stomach. By dawn he'd succeeded, and fallen asleep in a living room chair with the newborn snuggled up peacefully in his arms.

Elsie had come downstairs just after sunrise to find him snoring in front of the hearth. Charlotte's bottle had fallen on the floor at his feet, and somehow not shattered. She picked it up, almost squealing when she discovered that nearly half of the milk had been consumed.

'Praise the good Lord!' She'd cried.

It was only half a bottle but it was more than Charlotte had ever eaten in one sitting before. Elsie took her husband and baby to bed and let him sleep. So far, four hours later he'd yet to wake. Elsie didn't mind. Charlie had been up for a while in the very early morning, nursed and fallen back to sleep. Charlotte had awoken just in time to get her mother out of bed and downstairs when Beryl came. Elsie was a little tired, but delighted that Charlotte was sucking on the bare skin of her shoulder. It met the suckling reflex the infant should've been born with was finally beginning to kick in, and that soon she'd likely be able to nurse alongside her brother or at least, she hoped so anyway.

Beryl couldn't tell that Elsie was overwhelmed, but she was. She felt like she'd been overwhelmed since her water broke, but at least now, it was in the best of ways. Just last night she'd gone to bed harboring the fear that her infant daughter might not make it through her first month of life and now she had renewed hope that she'd live and catch back up to where she should be. While they weren't out of the woods yet, nothing in her life had ever made her feel quite so relieved.

"Well…I don't know if Mr. Carson told ya but I'm here ta relieve ya for a while."

"Relieve me?" She asked anxiously. She didn't want to be relieved from the twins, even if she was exhausted. "Why? Mrs. Patmore it's a nice offer but…"

"Ask your husband. He's the one who wanted me to come here." Beryl laughed. "Can I see the sweetheart?"

"Oh… I suppose." She relented.

"Come here sweetheart it's Auntie Beryl, yes…" Charlotte fussed as Mrs. Patmore happily took her from her mother.

"I'm sorry the house is such a mess, it feels a bit odd to me." Elsie was truthfully embarrassed about the laundry and the fireplace that needed to be swept out badly and probably a million other things she had not noticed. She sighed, rubbing her eyes, unable to suppress a yawn. "Oh I'm sorry, I'm exhausted, they're hungry at least every two hours and one of them won't even eat she just cries… I'm…"

"You just had twins, I can't imagine how tired you are or how much laundry you'd be going through about now." Beryl laughed. "It's fine."

"Yes. There's so much of it. I suppose I should go talk to Mr. Carson."

"Alright. You're such a beautiful girl Charlotte Carson, yes you are." She heard Beryl soothe as she went up the stairs.

In truth, Beryl knew why she'd been summoned to the house, it all involved a big surprise for the exhausted new mother, one she never would've imagined. It was, after all, her first Valentines Day in her home with her husband.

She snuck quietly into the cozy little bedroom that she loved. It alone was more than Elsie ever could've dreamed. Beams remained exposed at the top of the ceiling, showing the pitched roof above them. It was a small room but gave the illusion of being spacious for this reason. There were several end tables, a dresser, a bench at the end of a spacious bed, and a big fireplace much like the one downstairs. Elsie's favorite part though, was the tiny wooden crib that had once been her husband's and now belonged to their twin children.

"Mr. Carson, Mr. Carson." She whispered, gently shaking him awake.

"Hmmm…right away your lordship."

"Mr. Carson, good morning." She whispered softly so as not to wake her son, her breath tickling her husband's ear softly.

"Hmmm Elsie. You should be resting."

"I've been up with your daughter all day." She teased. "You got her to eat, you wonderful man!" She smiled, leaning down to kiss him. "I'm ever so grateful."

"At that I did. She's going to be fine Elsie. Isn't it the best news? And now it's my turn to do something for you."

"Oh? Is that why Beryl says she's here to relieve me?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Yes because Mummy needs time to herself." He said.

"Charlie I…"

"No, no. She's exhausted and needs to relax. Let Mrs. Patmore watch the twins while you soak in a nice warm bath, maybe do a little reading."

"Well, I sure could use it…" She began.

"And when I get back I'll have a surprise."

"But…"

"Trust me." He kissed her softly. "I insist."

Carson drew her bath, readied himself for his day and took his sleeping newborn son downstairs. He left the house and Elsie allowed herself to stop thinking as she lowered herself into the warmth of the tub, her tense, achy muscles relaxing, bit by bit. She sighed, closing her eyes as she lay back against the edge of the tub, in that moment realizing how much she needed the break.

Beryl was downstairs with the twins; both lay awake in their basket, trying to figure out where their mother was. Beryl tended to them, heeding Carson's warning not to feed Charlie formula at any cost, and cleaned the house vigorously, hoping to get some of Elsie's work out of the way for her and of course, clearing the way for the evening Carson had planned. In an odd way, she felt sad that it was Valentines Day and she would not get her own romantic evening. She also felt bad for Daisy, who would get a card and a kiss on the cheek from William that she did not want. She felt worse for William.

"The two of you will love me more when you're old enough for cookies and candy and ice cream." She teased, kissing Charlie's chubby cheek. "I promise."

The twins didn't know who she was but felt comfortable with their Auntie Beryl in an instant. For that she was relieved because she loved the twins. She felt upset about the fact that she'd never had a family of her own and her friend's surprise children were also her own chance to mother, well, in an odd way.

…

Beryl cleaned the house and then began to make the dinner Carson had asked her to make. By now, she'd sent the twins back upstairs to Elsie to eat and be put back to bed. Carson came in an hour later, his arms full.

"Wow." His eyes widened as they looked around. "I can't believe what you've done. Mrs. Patmore how can I ever repay you?"

She smiled. "It wasn't all that terrible, please think nothing of it. Soup's almost done."

"Do you think she's noticed?"

"No and if she has she's a really good sport about ignoring it."

"Good." He sighed nervously gazing up the stairs.

…

Beryl left and Carson removed his shoes and coat, quickly going to work preparing the rest of his surprise. He'd been very quiet about it all. Elsie had no idea he was home and thought that Beryl was still in her kitchen. After she'd gotten the twins to sleep and sat back down, she brushed her hair and for some reason put a hint of make up on. She was ever so glad Charlie had suggested a bath; it had made her feel like a person again. Elsie put her robe back on and made her way down the stairs. She could tell, even as she descended, that the space was dark save the fireplace and a little bit of candlelight.

"Mrs…." She was about to ask Mrs. Patmore what was happening when she saw Charlie. "Mr. Carson what have you done?!" She teased, looking back at the display in awe.

Mrs. Carson had never had a proper Valentines Day before. Prior to this every Valentines Day and wedding anniversary had been celebrated covertly. She would give him a box of chocolates, he'd present her with a single, but perfect rose and in the evening she'd sneak into his room. Once or twice they'd snuck away together, if they could manage it. It had not been ideal.

"Mr. Carson what have you done?" She asked again, beginning to tear up. He smiled, crossing the room to pull her into his embrace.

"I thought you'd like it."

"Like it?! Charlie it's beautiful."

Elsie was stunned by the candlelit dinner before her. It was cozy and romantic and best of all she hadn't had to do anything. A vase full of red roses seemed to overtake much of the table.

"Roses in winter. Mr. Carson how did you do this?"

"Love will find a way." He reminded as he pulled out her chair. She nodded, sitting down.

He to was overwhelmed, he'd been dreaming of doing something like this for her since they were first married; nineteen years before. A few times, he'd done something similar, in her sitting room for her birthday. But so as to not make anyone suspicious, he'd gotten everyone, including Lady Grantham in on it. She'd done something similar for him a few times as well. And now this; this was finally theirs and theirs alone.

Elsie found herself shaking as he poured her a small glass of wine.

"I-I'm stunned Charlie."

He smiled. "I'd rather hoped you would be as that was the idea."

"All this for me when you must be exhausted too."

"But you see it's perfect. Our house, the dinner, the fire, newborn twins upstairs and nineteen wonderful years. It seemed the most fitting way to celebrate the things we were never supposed to have." He explained.

"Just like nineteen beautiful roses. Who knew you were so romantic?" She'd counted them carefully there were nineteen exactly.

"I always was Mrs. Hughes." She blushed. "I thought a nice romantic evening was called for. It was high time."

"If I remember correctly." She teased. "A nice romantic evening is how I got into this mess with the twins."

"Yes, if I remember correctly it _**is**_ how you got into this mess."

"Not that wee babies are a mess. Or anything but perfect. I'm sorry though that I've been a mess lately and this house has been a catastrophe I can't believe it cleaned up so well."

"You look lovely." He said simply and she blushed.

The two paused, looking up as one of the babies began to cry. Elsie sighed in frustration.

"I'll…" Carson began.

"No, no. I'll go get the baby, it's alright; I'll be right back."

Elsie was surprised to find Charlie screaming his head off and Charlotte fast asleep in the same crib next to him. She scrunched her face up in her sleep; seeming annoyed but continued to snore anyway.

"Oh you are your father." Elsie giggled at her daughter, lifting her son into her arms. "Come on my boy. Shuuu."

Elsie was surprised that Charlie went right back to sleep in her arms. It was time for him to nurse so she took him back downstairs once more.

"Beautiful boy, miracle boy." She whispered, taking him downstairs with her again.

"Is he asleep?"

"Yes." She giggled. "But, I think he just wanted to be with me."

"A bright boy." He laughed. Before he could speak again, Charlotte began to cry. "My turn." He smiled, getting up to go and get her.

Elsie giggled looking down at her son as he opened his eyes. "Hello sweet one." She whispered.

"I suppose they wanted to celebrate with us." Carson said, reentering the room. Elsie smiled deeply, watching as he cradled their daughter in his arms. He was so sweet with her and her heart melted a little at the sight, his large arms making the baby seem all the smaller to her.

"I suppose they did." She whispered.

He paused, studying his wife as she leaned down and kissed their infant son on the cheek. A single tear rolled down his cheek and he raised his glass to her.

"A Toast, Mrs. Carson to our brave new beginning."

"To our brave new beginning."

…..

The Next Evening

"Something tells me they didn't like that very much!" Carson protested as he and Elsie laid their screaming babies on the kitchen table.

"No but it had to be done. It's alright; you're both alright."

"Did we do it right?" He asked, not really sure.

"Mr. Carson I don't know." She teased him. "Shhuuu." Elsie soothed, beginning to dry Charlotte off.

They'd just given the twins their first bath and survived...somehow. They'd both cried loudly the whole time and neither Carson or Elsie knew whether or not they'd done it right, only that it was over now and they were left with two very fussy, but clean babies.

"Shu, shu, bath will get better as we get older, Mummy promises." Elsie smiled, trying to soothe them.

"Do you want to try to have them baptized this weekend?" He asked, swaddling their son in his blanket.

"No, not yet. I think it's a bad idea. They're far too little I want to wait till spring. _True_ spring." Elsie said, looking over her shoulder briefly. It was still snowing and freezing cold out. Elsie refused to take the twins anywhere and didn't want to open the door more than a few times a day.

Charlie quieted once he was dry and began to yawn, but Charlotte continued to scream. Carson took it upon himself to make a bottle, having decided that feeding Charlotte would be his forte and nursing Charlie would be hers. Although her suckling reflex had started to kick in a few days before, Charlotte still wasn't eating much unless they forced it and as a result they were still worried sick. Their early hope had been dashed a little and the parents knew they would have to take her back to Dr. Clarkson if her behavior didn't change in the next several days. Elsie dreaded that.

She was about to protest his making a bottle, really wanting to nurse both of them now as she thought they were both taking better to it, but she was tired and decided to let him feed Charlotte while she started to nurse their drowsy son. As soon as her bottle was ready that did the trick and she stopped screaming. She took to it right away, beginning to suckle ravenously. She never did that.

"Well someone was a bit hungry wasn't she?" He asked. Elsie didn't look up, thinking he was merely trying to encourage the baby to suckle.

Charlotte continued to eat and he smiled, watching her carefully and using his free hand to play with her bity fingers. She grunted, almost as if to speak and grabbed his finger, holding it tightly in her little fist. He smiled deeply, leaning his forehead against hers. He felt his whole soul relax in an instant.

"W-wait, what?! You're eating?!" Elsie cried, looking up from Charlie suddenly.

"She is."

"Oh praise God you're eating for real!" She smiled, her eyes brimming with tears.

"See Mrs. Hughes, I promised you our girl would be alright."

"It's Mrs. Carson." She corrected, beginning to cry. "And it's a miracle."

…..

March 10th, 1915

"Are they identical?" Daisy asked, leaning over the basket where the twins lay awake together, staring back up at her. Their father had gone back to work weeks before, but it was Elsie's first official day back and by proxy their first day at Downton.

"No stupid." O'Brien corrected. "Boys and girls can't be identical."

The twins were one month and two weeks old now and resembled each other greatly save their eyes and a few other things in their faces. If you didn't look at them too closely or know them well, you might mistake them for being identical. Daisy didn't understand how Elsie had no hesitancy in knowing who was who and truthfully neither did O'Brien but she wasn't about to admit that.

Had things gone according to plan they would've only been born a week and a half before. Dr. Clarkson and Isobel had warned that the twins' development might lag for a while because of their premature state. But that didn't seem to be happening at least not to a concerning degree. Once they'd gotten Charlotte eating everything else seemed to fall into place.

By this time, the babies were just beginning to seem very real. They were lively now, could express themselves by cooing at you, kick their feet, and even roll around a bit. Charlie could almost hold his head up now, and Charlotte could squeal. Now, the twins wondered very much who the women and the one, tall, blonde man gathered around them were. They didn't remember Daisy or Mrs. Patmore who'd been present at their birth just weeks before, and simply wanted their mother. The twins began to cry loudly, causing O'Brien to jump back and retreat.

"Awe." Anna soothed.

"It's alright." Daisy shushed.

"It's alright, Mummy's back, Mummy's back."

Elsie placed a hand on each of the twin's chests and they calmed instantly at her touch and the sound of her voice. They fussed a little as their fearful hearts slowed, seeming to bask in their mother's reassuring smile.

"My lad and my lass it's alright. It's nice to have someone love you enough that they miss you when you're across the room." Everyone giggled a little at this except for O'Brien.

She and William left the room, both having other things to attend to. But unlike O'Brien, William gave the twins a sweet farewell and told them he hoped to see them later.

"Oh no." Elsie lamented once they'd left.

"What?" Anna and Beryl asked at once. Daisy looked back concerned.

"I hadn't thought of that. They miss me when I'm just across the room…today's their first day with nanny…that's not going to go well. And if she separates them; that's really not going to go well…"

"I'm sure it'll be alright Mrs. Carson." Anna soothed.

Elsie looked down at her children, knowing it wasn't all right for her. She didn't want to part with them now that they were there. The three of them had grown so close. She wanted nothing more than to go upstairs and kindly, gracefully quit her job. Because of the twin's prematurity, Cora had given her an extra two weeks at home with them than originally planned. Now she didn't know if that had helped matters or if it had made it harder for her to part with her babies.

"They'll only be upstairs." Beryl reminded. "You can go and see them anytime you like!"

"I know…I um…I suppose I better nurse them before I take them upstairs. Come on lass, how about you go first this time? One of you can hold Charlie if you'd like."

"Ooh, me!" Daisy raised her hand like she was still in school.

"Fine then Daisy, but remember, support his head." Mrs. Patmore advised.

"I will, I will!"

"There's no harm in your nursing here." Beryl said quickly; knowing that if she went off in a secluded place with the twins it'd be even harder for her to leave them with the nanny.

"No I don't think so either." Anna added, understanding Mrs. Patmore's intention.

"Maybe but there is…"

"Its just William and he'll be upstairs for a while and even if he did see he'd pretend not to notice." Daisy insisted.

"Mr. Carson won't like it." Elsie explained. "But perhaps…I do cover myself anyway."

Elsie understood why Beryl was trying to do and thought it was for the best. She didn't want to get overly attached to a baby before it was time to give it up to someone else's care. Anna could sense Elsie's pain and it distressed her. She and Mr. Bates were nowhere near marriage yet, as he still could not complete the pesky task of divorcing his hated wife Vera. But they'd discussed having children. In an odd way she thought she already longed for them and loved them and understood Elsie's pain in giving hers up, even if it was just for a few hours a day.

"At least they'll just be upstairs." Daisy said, rocking baby Charlie gently.

The little boy looked up at her, not recognizing that Daisy was really the first person to have ever held him and cared for him after he'd been born. It took just an instant, though, for him to decide that he liked her.

"My mother and I we were never together." Daisy explained tearfully, surprised when Mrs. Patmore pat her back gently.

Anna put her head down, looking up when she heard Elsie begin to sniffle.

"I know that and I'm sorry dear Daisy." Elsie whispered as Charlotte began to nurse. She was still overwhelmed by her daughter's newfound willingness to do this and by the fact that if she hadn't started, she'd surely be dead by now.

Elsie thought perhaps she should try to stop feeling so poorly about giving up her babies for part of the day and try to focus on how thankful she was they were present at all. Daisy was right, they'd be just upstairs and she could visit whenever she liked.

"They shouldn't exist." Elsie voiced quietly. "And by all logic, Charlotte shouldn't be with us now. But they are."

"Yes. They are." Beryl tried to soothe.

"Charlie you hear that, your Mummy loves you very much, you don't have ta be afraid of the nice new lady that's going to take care of you." Daisy whispered.

"When do you get them back anyway?" Anna inquired.

"While I'm nursing, I'll probably get them back just before our own supper, before nanny goes to bed. That's an awfully long day away from Mummy, although I will be popping in to nurse and to see them as often as I can. Besides, I can't tire the poor woman out like that; three wee babies all on her own would be a bit much. Two and a loving husband who does equal work is exhausting enough."

Elsie was petrified about the whole thing. She'd never understood how much she'd not want to give them up once they were here, and worse, she was scared to death that she'd feed her Charlie a bottle against her orders.

"Mrs. Patmore whatever you do; don't send a bottle up to the nursery unless you know for sure it's for Benjamin."

"Oh, didn't you know?" Beryl asked. She was surprised Elsie didn't know given that she was supposedly so close with Cora now. It was a friendship she didn't understand and was also jealous of.

"No, what?!"

"Lady Grantham is nursing as well."

…..

"Daddy I thought you might want to say goodbye now." Elsie said quietly, appearing in her husband's doorway.

"Goodbye?!" He asked, alarmed as she sat the twin's basket down on his desk.

"It's time for the twins to go up to nanny."

"Oh…" He understood. "Elsie, you don't have to cry."

"Yes I do. I don't want to send them, they're such a peaceful little lad and lass, maybe they…."

"No, it's best for them to go."

"I hope she can tell them apart, Daisy said she…"

"Well it's easy for me, blue eyed boy, brown eyed girl." He smiled down at the children.

"They're your babies."

He sighed. "I'm sure nanny will take a liking to them and them to her. She is a much nicer woman than any of the nannies Lady Mary and her sisters had as children, and for that I am glad!"

"Well that's true enough." Elsie reflected, the thought putting her at ease.

"It's nothing to worry over. I promise. And don't worry they will still love Mummy best."

"Daddy too." She persuaded and he smiled, leaning down to kiss her softly on the lips.

"I love you Mrs. Carson. It will all be just fine; I promise."

…

Elsie took the twins upstairs, thinking about how she'd told her husband back at the beginning of the pregnancy that she didn't want her baby under the spell of this great big house. She'd been the one to engage in the friendship with Cora and make this arrangement for the children, but now she wondered how she was to set their minds on other things, and on a future outside this place when they were to be such a part of the house. They were only tiny babies and she needed help with their care, help she could not turn down. But she wondered how they would grow up both upstairs and down…Elsie swallowed her nervousness as she climbed the stairs with her twins in her arms, hoping that this foreign thing would end up doing her children good, and lead to a world of advantages she could not otherwise provide.

The twins hung on her arms, both sucking on her neck, something that calmed them. They were nervous about their new surroundings, but clueless they were about to be surrendered to a total stranger. They'd grown accustomed to spending the day with their mother and their mother alone, and were old enough now to notice this great big house for the first time and look around a bit. Until now, they hadn't been in the house since a few days after they were born.

"Mummy will miss you both so much." She whispered, patting their tiny backs gently. "She will miss you so much, but she will be up to check on you and feed you and play with you. And when she's gone you'll have fun with nanny." She paused swallowing a lump in her throat. _She_ wanted to be with them. It may've been normal for Cora to give her baby over to someone else but to Mrs. Carson it felt unnatural and just plain wrong. "And you're going to meet a new friend, his name is Benjamin."

"Oh Mrs. Carson!" She heard a jovial voice call. She looked up to see Lord Grantham coming down the stairs just ahead of her and almost lost her balance. He reached out and grabbed her arm to steady her and she smiled. He wasn't sure it was appropriate but didn't want her to fall.

"Something I can do for you, m'lord?"

"Oh, no, no." He smiled, seeing she had her arms full.

He'd only seen the Carson twins once or twice before a few days after they were born. He was surprised they were as big and attentive as they were already. Benjamin certainly was not.

"Are you taking them up to nanny?" He asked, his warm attitude with her and the babies put her at ease.

"Yes. M'lord, this is Charlie on my left, and Charlotte on my right."

"Well Charlie, Miss Charlotte, it is nice to finally meet you." He said, tickling Charlie's cheek very softly, causing the boy to smile faintly. Lord Grantham observed the boy had Carson's smile, but didn't voice it. "I hope," he said instead. "That the two of you are having a very good first day at Downton and your mother is having a good first day back?"

"So far m'lord, I'm afraid they scared Miss O'Brien a little, she made them cry and they made her jump."

"Oh." He reflected, suppressing a laugh at this. "It would seem the two of you are very good judges of character already." He reflected. "Please don't pass that on Mrs. Carson."

"I won't m'lord." She laughed.

"Are you going to be in church on Sunday, the baptism?"

"Yes, we will be there." Benjamin, the twins and two other babies from the village were going to baptized at the Sunday service.

"Very good. Anyway I won't keep you, but if you're going to nanny for the first time; now's a good time, Cora just took Benjamin for his feeding." He informed, reminding him that his son was off somewhere, probably in the rather shaky arms of O'Brien. He did NOT like her…and the feeling seemed to be mutual.

Elsie found herself somewhat soothed by her time with Lord Grantham. She couldn't help but be a little surprised about how sweet he was with her babies and it put her at ease, reminding her that they would be treated well upstairs.

"Alright my perfect loves, we're here. Mummy will miss you." She whispered, tears in her eyes as she turned to each baby and kissed them on the cheek. "I love you so much! And I know it'll be hard… the first few days. But it's just a big brave step and we'll all get through it together."

Elsie took a long time to part with the twins and found herself in tears by the time she did. She lingered by the nursery door for a moment and then forced herself to walk away, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. She made her way back to downstairs quietly, wrapping her arms around herself. She hadn't been truly all alone in almost a year and felt the absence of her newborns greatly. Her arms ached to hold them and her insides felt hallow.

Cora had said that she wanted Charlie, if it was right for them, to accompany Benjamin to Eton when they turned thirteen. Elsie couldn't bear to think of parting with him at that age, but knew it would allow her son a very, very different life. She dried her tears, not wanting anyone to see them, and began to pray for her twins, that her decision to let them be part of upstairs life had been the right one, and would benefit them all their days.


	14. A Little Patch of Heaven

Ch 14- A Little Patch of Heaven

* Thanks for your many kind reviews! Please let me know what you think.

July 1915

"M'lady, I'm not sure there's much point to this, its nice of you but…"

"Cora." She gave an exasperated sigh, correcting her friend.

"Well, we are in public…"

Cora sighed. "Elsie I'm just giving you a break, please take it. It's not as if you haven't earned it!"

By now, Benjamin Crawley and the twins were nearly six months old. All three spent a lot of their time babbling, smiling, and generally melting their mother's hearts. They also spent the bulk of their time together and were already good friends, just as their mothers had hoped. Elsie couldn't believe so much time had gone by. A full year had passed since she'd fainted at the garden party and she and her husband had confessed to everyone that they were in fact married and expecting a long-awaited baby. At present, Cora and Elsie sat under a tent together holding their babies the garden party going on all around them. Elsie didn't feel particularly comfortable there as guests kept coming up to Cora so they could meet baby Benjamin, most of them ignoring her completely in the process. But Cora insisted she and the babies stay and rest.

Unable to negotiate with her employer turned friend, Elsie looked to her infant twins for solace. She couldn't have been happier with her surprise twins than she was. Charlie and Charlotte were the best of blessings and she found herself falling more in love with them each day that passed. Elsie discovered that as the babies grew and changed, she and Carson grew into being their parents. The pair were no longer overwhelmed by their babies and while they'd long dreamed of having a family together, they never would've expected that life could be quite as good as it was. She could still barely fathom that the twins were a joy she could not describe.

"Are you having fun my lad and my lass?" Elsie whispered in both their tiny ears.

Charlie, a bright blue-eyed baby boy, rested in his mother's arms carefully watching all the strange ladies and gentlemen who came to meet his friend. Elsie looked down at him, kissing his cheek when she noticed him looking intently. Charlotte, who was chewing on her rattle, paused doing the same. A few people had come over to see her and the twins, Dr. Clarkson, for example, Isobel, even his lordship's sister, Lady Rosamond and varying townspeople.

But most of the guests who came to pay homage to the youngest Crawley ignored the housekeeper and her twins. That hurt Elsie, not out of vanity or because she had any particular expectation that these people should be kind to her: instead, she hadn't wanted her children to know what it felt like to be upstaged, to be hurt or made to feel less than because they weren't rich, and they weren't going to grow up to be a lord or lady…Elsie's whole mission in even having wanted to be a mother was to raise children who didn't feel their path had been chosen for them. She wanted the twins to believe their destiny was of their own making. For now she sat back thinking that sitting there, watching Benjamin be praised like this undermined that effort. But then again, they were still there, under the tent, in a privileged place. Elsie sighed.

'Well lass.' She thought to herself. 'Some advantages are better than none, aren't they?'

Baby Charlotte looked over at Ben when she heard him giggle. Ben was probably happiest of all of them that day. He adored his mother and was overwhelmed by the idea that he was spending all day with her and not just a few hours. He kept looking up at her kind of awestruck, looking away only when Charlotte or his favorite sister, Sybil, caught his eye. Cora kissed his cheek. She was desperately in love with her son and had never bonded with her other babies in this same way. She knew it was a bond borne out of almost loosing him twice, but she wouldn't have it any other way.

"My darling is that your big sister over there?" She whispered and he clapped cheerfully. Sybil was by far one his favorite people in the world.

Charlie was content to just lounge in his mother's arms but Elsie could tell Charlotte wanted to get up and run (not walk), which would be difficult considering the girl and her brother were just now making attempts at crawling and hadn't come close to standing yet.

"I know you've got a lot of ideas in that wee head my girl, you're a smart one. Mummy sees that in you and she loves it. But sometimes we have to take things slow." She whispered. "Slow and calm can win the race my Charlotte."

"I do hope you're enjoying yourself." Cora added.

"I am but it is far too kind for you to let us just…lounge here like this." Elsie hesitated. In addition to all her mixed emotions about the twins, she felt she should be working.

"It's a party, please enjoy yourself, and besides…I think this might be the last party we have for a while…"

"Unfortunately; I'd have to agree."

Elsie had been surprised she'd been asked to plan a party at all that year with how everything had changed. It almost didn't seem appropriate to her and she'd double-checked with Cora before she'd started working on it. It was a much smaller, simpler affair than it had ever been before, but it still gave the house and all their guests a much-needed sense of normalcy. She knew her husband, for example was enjoying himself immensely. For him, the whole thing was a return to normal, although a brief one. Neither of the Carsons understood just how fleeting of a return it would prove to be but Cora was already beginning to understand.

"No more parties, not like this one, till after the war I'm afraid. Maybe not even then." Cora sighed, looking down at Ben. "I'm so happy he's a baby."

"Oh, me too." Elsie replied, hugging Charlie tight.

The war had put a lot into context for Elsie. She'd been so crushed all those years about being unable to get pregnant. And now she had two perfect children, just in time for all the men (whose age her son _should've_ been) to go off to a war, which it seemed most of them weren't slated to return from. Elsie knew she couldn't have handled that loosing her much loved son in that way, or watching her Charlotte lose a beau that way.

"Mummy loves you so much Charlie." She whispered. "She's glad she had to wait for you and hopes you never, never in your whole life have to face anything like this. Oh she hopes so much my beautiful boy."

If there was one thing Elsie hadn't fully grasped about motherhood, it was how much she would worry. She found herself endlessly agonizing about the futures of these perfect little people. It was obvious that times were changing. She knew they were and she wanted something better for them, something different that wouldn't have been available to any Carson or any Hughes that walked the earth before them. She looked over at Benjamin Crawley and Cora, feeling slightly jealous in some sense. Lady Grantham, in her mind was assured of a certain kind of future for her children.

Little did she know, Cora shared her concerns and lamented over the possible outcomes for all four of her children. She felt, at times, as though the earth on which they stood was about to crumble and swallow them whole. She had not said it to Robert, but she wondered if Downton was a viable prize to leave her son, come 1940 or so when he would no doubt inherit the title and estate…she knew estates like it were rapidly folding up, that they couldn't be maintained. In a way she thought Mary was lucky for the loss of it, luckier than she'd ever understand and she worried that baby Benjamin had been slated with a burden instead of a palace.

Cora was also worried her girls would not marry or otherwise find a life… or that they would choose a life that wasn't befitting of a lady at all...

"I still don't know how I feel about Sybil becoming a nurse…" This was something she freely admitted to Robert, Elsie and almost no one else. "I don't think I like it but I can't say I don't want her to help…or to be herself. Did you really leave home when you were about her age?"

"Yes ma'am." She smiled, the thought making her feel better about how far she'd come in her life.

She looked down at her baby girl. In that moment, hope leapt in her heart and she found herself struck with this incredible feeling she could not shake. It rung within her like a sudden 'zing' resonating with her soul almost victoriously and in a simple, subtle moment she understood that her Charlotte would have chances she'd never dreamed of.

Cora sighed. "Oh Elsie I…this war is going to change things. It already has. I am worried what will become of my children and their options."

"Well I can understand that."

"Times are changing rapidly, some of it I welcome, and parts of it like this war its…it's like a dark cloud moving in and I see it but am powerless to stop it or to take cover from it. Did I tell you? Almost no one knows yet." Cora paused, turning to her friend a look of utter confusion on her face. "Cousin Isobel wants to turn Downton into a hospital?"

…..

Later That Evening

"Well my wee lad, my wee lass are ya ready to help Mummy and Daddy celebrate?" Elsie began, patting baby Charlie on the back.

Charlotte was on a blanket on the floor, laying on her stomach and looking up at her Mum trying to figure out how to crawl. Thus far, she had the upper body strength to raise herself up on her tiny hands and stay there, but couldn't combine that with moving just yet.

"Charlotte. It's Mummy and Daddy's special day did you know that?"

Elsie never could've guessed she'd spend her nineteenth wedding anniversary with her six month old baby twins, and if she had she would've assumed they were the youngest of a large brood, not the two long awaited only children of an aging but very much in love couple.

She kissed the side of Charlie's head and put him down on his tummy next to his sister. Elsie giggled as she watched the twins and got on her knees to build a fire. Neither baby really had the strength to move around on their own yet but they were trying (and failing) and it was adorable. Their efforts reminded her of how hard she and Carson had tried over the years to have children and of how much she loved him. Tonight would be a night for them to celebrate that and she was almost giddy about it; she couldn't wait.

"Can you believe it Downton, a hospital?" Carson huffed as he came in the front door. "Oh let me do that."

"I can build the fire. And you seem more offended than Lady Grantham." She giggled, not referring to her as Cora because Carson didn't like it when she did.

"Well I am its absolutely absurd. Preposterous."

"She said it wouldn't be for a while yet, things would have to get much worse and hopefully the war will be over before that happens."

Carson sighed. He had a feeling the war wouldn't end anytime soon, but chose to change the subject.

"What are they doing on the floor?" He smiled at the twins.

"We're working on crawling! Look Charlotte, look Charlie it's your Daddy, he's home to celebrate with Mummy."

The twins looked up at him and began to giggle and squeal.

"Oh…Elsie it's moving too fast…have they made any progress?"

"I know." She kissed his cheek. "I think Charlotte's almost ready to start crawling. She'll be first."

"I can tell she wants to." He laughed, watching his daughter try to pull herself up on her knees.

Charlotte kept falling but not making a fuss about it. Charlie was content, however, to remain poised on his hands, looking up at his Dad. He was excited he was home and wished he'd notice him.

"I'm immensely proud of my girl," Carson continued, lifting his son into his arms. "She reminds me of her mother."

"Oh?" Elsie asked, throwing one last log into the fire.

"Yes. Sweet but determined, and she does my heart so much good."

"Mr. Carson that's so sweet." She blushed, almost near tears.

"Happy Anniversary Mrs. Hughes." He kissed her cheek.

…...

An hour or so later the sun set and by this time the twins were fast asleep. They lay them down in their shared crib and just stood there staring at them for a few moments as they slept. The four of them had had dinner together and the twins had conked out just as they'd finished eating. It wasn't the romantic anniversary dinner one might hope to have but it suited Carson and Elsie just fine.

"Elsie they're so beautiful. Mrs. Hughes…from the moment they were born…well from the moment you pulled me out of the kitchen and told me you were finally pregnant, I haven't been able to stop being amazed and proud. With them and you and I think that pride and awe will last me the whole of the rest of my years."

"Oh Mr. Carson me too." He kissed her forehead delicately.

"Whoever thought this would be our life after almost twenty years worth of marriage?"

"Certainly not me." She giggled resting her head on his shoulder.

"Come on." He whispered, taking her hand.

"Were are we going?" She asked. She followed him down the stairs, her hand in his. She was surprised when he led her into the kitchen and pulled a small basket out of the cupboard.

"Charlie we can't leave the babies, it's…"

"Shuuuu…we'll hear them."

Carson led his wife out the back door and into their garden. It was a perfect night, not too warm, not too cold. The stars shone brightly above and Elsie found they took her breath away as she gazed at the heavens. Carson smiled, taking a blanket out of the basket and laying it in a patch of grass in the middle of the garden Elsie had planted in her spare time.

"Oh my Charlie it's just perfect." She sighed, tears in her eyes.

"Remind you of anything?" He asked, pouring her a glass of wine.

"It's just like the night we ran off together. Just for dinner."

"Just for dinner." He reminded. "And then we ended up out here in the fields, in the beautiful moonlight all alone. I could've stayed out here with you forever my Elsie."

"In a way I think you did." She started to cry more.

"At that I did." He said, extending her glass to her and she went and sat next to him.

Elsie would never forget anything about that enchanted night and she was touched that some how, her husband seemed to have reproduced it after nineteen years. Everything about tonight was the same as it had been years earlier: the light, the air, the sky, the connection she felt between them, the pounding of her heart and the blooming realization that she felt endless love for this man…everything. Nineteen years ago, they'd gone out just for dinner and then found themselves here, out in the fields kissing in a way she'd never been kissed before. By the end of the night they were two towns away, married and making love for the first time in a hotel room neither of them could afford. It had been the craziest thing either of them had ever done and also the absolute best. Carson leaned over to kiss his wife and she sighed into his lips, tilting her head and replying eagerly to his lip lock.

"You don't have to cry." He whispered.

"Oh yes I do…this is the most thoughtful, romantic thing you've ever done and I'm just overwhelmed."

"I love you Mrs. Carson, endlessly, wholly." He smiled, tears coming to his own eyes. "I'm sorry it took so very long for some of our plans to come to fruition but…I'm happy. Endlessly, blissfully happy with you, and with perfect baby twins who show in their very being how much I love you."

"Oh Charlie."

"What a better way to celebrate all that, and the life we've shared together this whole time, than with going to the place where we first decided to become one, do you remember what I said to you?"

She didn't speak and instead leaned into kiss him once more, snaking her tongue inside his mouth gently. When she broke the kiss she leaned her forehead against his. "You said I can't live without you, and I'd love it if you'd marry me, marry me, marry me right now because you've stolen my heart. And I said yes, yes oh yes my Charlie." She kissed him again once she said this.

He took her hands in his own and kissed them. "I'm so thankful you said yes, and that we went and we did it right then…but I didn't get part of my wish until last year."

"Oh?"

"Yes, you see. I wanted to marry you for so many reasons…one of them was that I wanted with everything in me to tell the whole world I loved you. That you belonged to me and I to you…that we were created for each other just as the stars were made to grace the heavens above."

"I don't think a lot of people could imagine Mr. Carson saying such things." She blushed, openly crying now.

"He may be quite a proper man. But for his Elsie, he'd concede to just about anything." He smiled into her eyes. "It's our nineteenth anniversary and our first in one go, because it's our first anniversary of being free to tell the world that we are one."

"Charlie that's magnificent." She cried, having not thought of it in that way.

"I'm so honored to spend my first anniversary of that and the nineteenth of our marriage here with you alone in our little patch of heaven. Thank you for being my dream come true. For being as magnificent to me as the heavens above."

She started to cry when he said this, "You wonderful man. You're my dream come true…I never would've had an ounce of a wonderful of life as I'd had without you. Thank you that in everything you do, in the way you love me even in the way you kiss me you constantly assure me that everything will be alright."

Suddenly Elsie felt at peace about her worry about the twins and their lives. Carson had ensured her they'd have a wonderful life and so far he'd been right.

"Happy nineteen years Mrs. Carson and here's to nineteen wonderful more." He whispered, leaning into kiss her as a shooting star flashed above their heads.


	15. Here With Me

Ch 15- Here With Me

* From now on, the timeline of some things in the story is going to be quite different than it was on the show. For example, the following chapter, if in line with the show, would've occurred a full year later than it does here. Please just keep that in mind going forward. Thanks so much for all the great reviews/support.

February 4th, 1916

"How've you liked your first year of life my sweetheart?" Elsie asked, whispering in her baby's ear.

Charlotte yawned calmly, growing sleepy as her mother rocked her and Elsie couldn't help but kiss her cheek. She could barely believe it was the morning of the babies' first birthdays. They'd grown a lot and could crawl now but still not walk. Their hair had remained virtually unchanged from birth; both had a small patch of auburn fuzz the color of their mother's but were mostly bald. It was cold out and Elsie had bundled them up carefully and brought them to Downton later than she usually would. She knew she needed to take them up to nanny but couldn't manage to break away from them just yet, not on their birthday.

"They've not gone yet, have they?" Beryl asked urgently, poking her head in the door.

"No, although they should go soon. I have a lot of work to do. My poor husband is very overwhelmed and needs my help."

Carson was the epitome of overwhelmed. In fact, he was on the verge of having some kind of meltdown or episode. It was highly unusual for the normally reserved man, and no one understood that better than his wife. She was worried but not surprised, after all, he was doing the work of an under-butler and a valet on top of his own job. She hated that he was consumed with outrage, and had been for the past several days, about the possibility of a maid having to serve at dinner later on in the week. It was strange, but given the circumstances and their being short staffed no one took issue with it except for Carson. Everyone thought he should just simply calm down about it but Elsie knew that wasn't in the cards. He would fight it up until it happened, after all, he had to do everything perfectly it was just in his nature. He didn't have the ability to expect anything less especially from himself.

"At that he is…he should take a rest, daft man. Charlie, Charlotte, Auntie Beryl will be right back!"

Baby Charlie looked up at his mother from his place on the floor with his toys, his eyes wide.

"The problem is when would your Daddy find the time to get a rest?" Elsie sighed. "I suppose Auntie Beryl has a surprise. Come here lad, come to mummy."

Charlie crawled to her feet and she lifted him on to her lap and kissed his cheek. He reached over and nudged his sister, tying to wake her up. She didn't budge and he grabbed her face. Charlotte protested, even though she was half asleep, and attempted to hit him back.

"No, no, none of that you two, none of that." She rubbed Charlie's back as Charlotte woke, yawning and opening her eyes a bit.

"Alright, now close your little eyes!" Beryl called from outside the room. Neither of the twins understood her instructions and instead looked back toward the door.

Elsie thought it was the candles she saw first. Mrs. Patmore marched into the room Daisy at her heals. She held a tiny, but decadent looking chocolate cake, the many candles sparkled and shimmered and Elsie wondered if perhaps they might light the entire pastry ablaze. The twins perked up at its sight. They didn't know what it was but their tiny eyes grew wide with intrigue and within seconds both were fully awake and transfixed.

"Oh Mrs. Patmore!" Elsie began to cry. "It's so beautiful. Thank you so much!"

"Happy Birthday Charlie, Charlotte!" Mrs. Patmore gushed.

"Happy Birthday." Daisy squealed.

"Oh Happy Birthday my loves. Happy one year!" Elsie kissed each of the sides of their heads, the twins still fixated on the glow of the candlelight.

"What's going on here we don't have time to…oh…" Carson stopped in the doorway.

"It's our very first birthday Daddy." Elsie reminded gently. "Please take a little bit of time out to sit with us and have some cake."

Carson froze, finding himself in a quandary. He couldn't stop but he must. Pressured or not, he wouldn't allow himself to miss his children's first birthday.

"Very well." His expression softened. He went to sit with his wife and took Charlie in his arms.

"Happy Birthday to you!" Mrs. Patmore began to sing, everyone else quickly joined in.

Charlotte stared back at all the singing adults, perplexed by what was happening and why her mother was crying softly. Charlie meanwhile, reached out to try to touch the flame. Carson grabbed his son's tiny hand and yanked it back quickly as they all sung causing the little boy to giggle loudly.

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Charlotte and Charlie, Happy Birthday to you!"

"Yay! Make a wish and blow out the candles!" Daisy told them.

By this time the twins were fully engrossed in the idea of whatever this was but they didn't follow Daisy's lead, still having no idea what she was referring to. Instead their parents leaned over and did it for them. Charlotte found herself confused and somewhat disappointed that all the pretty lights had gone away.

"I made a wish far ya my lass." Elsie whispered, kissing her cheek. "That you may have whatever your little heart desires."

"Daddy made a wish for you Charlie." Carson spoke quietly to his son. Charlie didn't know what a wish was but decided in that moment that he was eager to have one. "That you have a life of intrigue, which was the life your father planned on having."

Most people wouldn't have guessed Carson would've wished such a thing for his son, but he was after all, someone who'd joined the stage at a young age and not a life of service. It was something even he often forgot, but he did miss the spirit of the young man he'd once been and when he was alone with his wife and children he found that that man was still alive and well deep inside. Work camouflaged him, even buried him but nonetheless he remained. Carson didn't know yet, what he'd want for his son's future, but he did know he wanted this same spirit to reside in him and to thrive, to live freely out in the open. In that case, he also knew he wanted Charlie to have the freedom to pursue something not so…solid as service…something that brought spontaneity into his life in all the best ways.

"Alright cake time, I can't wait to see what they do with this!" Beryl laughed.

Elsie felt bad knowing the twins would make quite a mess but she supposed that was the tradition, wasn't it? Charlotte and Charlie were surprised when Beryl put down a slice of cake in front of them. They weren't sure what to make of it, knowing that it was grownup food and they'd never tried it before. The twins paused and then Charlie picked up the cake, shoving most of it into his mouth. His parents looked on in horror that quickly turned to laughter shared with Auntie Beryl. Confused still, Charlotte reached over and grabbed what remained of the cake out of her brother's hand and shoved it in her own mouth.

"Well that was certainly a mess." Elsie giggled.

"Did you like it my lovelies?" Beryl asked.

"Oh Mrs. Patmore I think they quite loved it." Carson laughed, looking down at the twins.

He smiled brightly as he bounced Charlie on his knee. Elsie sighed at the sight and sound, hugging Charlotte tight. She was awed, by the sight of her husband and boy happy together, and moreover so relieved he was taking these few moments to laugh with her and the twins, it was so good for him after all. She knew that on these days of utmost stress, such things might make it a little more bearable.

"Would you like Mummy to feed you some more Charlotte my beautiful baby love, was that good?" Elsie asked, picking up a fork.

"Daisy and I will get you something to clean them up with. We'll be right back." Mrs. Patmore told them, leading Daisy out of the room.

"Oh Charlie they're beautiful and after a year still perfect." Elsie began as they watched both the twins grab more cake, this time with both hands. Thank you so much for surprising me with a trip to Scotland." She giggled. "I think you surprised us with a lot more than that."

"It always pays when I'm spontaneous Mrs. Carson." He smiled brightly. "And it's for me to thank you: you're a vision of loveliness as a mother." She blushed. "And you do a man's heart good."

"Oh Mr. Carson." She closed her eyes and he pressed his forehead against hers. He blew a kiss and she blew one back. "Happy Birthday my sweet babies."

Charlotte turned around and looked up at her mother when she said this, Charlie continued to eat.

"Yes happy birthday my children." Carson whispered reflectively, holding his little boy tight. He hugged Charlie and leaned over and kissed the top of Charlotte's head.

"You're going to go up to nanny soon," Elsie explained, "but tonight we'll open presents from mummy and daddy, alright?"

Charlie looked up in surprise, having understood the word presents.

…

"Happy Birthday to you." Cora kissed Charlie on top of the head.

All three babies stood at the edge of their cribs, clinging to the bars intrigued by the fact that Cora was in their nursery with them instead of nanny. None of them associated the big bag in her hand with her presence. She handed him a wrapped gift and he took it in his little hands, puzzled by what it might be.

"And Happy Birthday to you Charlotte." Cora did the same thing with her that she'd done with her brother. Only Charlotte shook her gift lightly, jumping back in surprise when it replied with a ringing noise.

"And Happy Birthday to you my most darling little boy." She baby talked, kissing Benjamin on his face.

Benjamin giggled when his mother kissed him and tried his best to kiss her back, he was delighted by his mother's presence and the sight of their closeness made the Carson twins long deeply for their own mother, at least for a few moments until the idea of the presents they'd just been given became a bit too irresistible.

Cora and Benjamin watched as the twins retreated to the corners of their cribs (which were just next to each other) and reached out as best as they could to show each other their gifts, babbling excitedly to each other a mile a minute.

"Well that's quite a friendship, isn't it?" Cora asked, noting that Benjamin looked on with great curiosity and dare she say, a bit of jealousy.

What she didn't realize was that her son was jealous. Jealous of the fact that Charlie and Charlotte got to be together all of the time. It didn't matter what adult they were with or when or where the two were always together and certainly never ever lonely. Moreover, Ben was jealous that Charlie was always with Charlotte, which for some reason was right where he wanted to be.

Charlotte shook her present again and jumped in surprise.

"Yes Charlotte." Cora giggled, "It does make that noise, here." Cora picked Ben up and put him next to Charlotte in her crib. "How about a little company?"

The twins immediately turned to Ben, showing him the little boxes they'd received, Ben did the same. Cora giggled at the idea that none of the three of them understood that they were supposed to open the gift.

"Cora?" Elsie knocked on the door. "You rang, m'lady."

"It's baby present time."

"Oh you didn't have to do that!"

"I did. Thank you for the wonderful gift for Ben by the way. _**You**_ didn't have to."

"I did. Oh hello my loves." She cried when she saw the twins reaching for her.

"It's time to open some presents, don't you remember from Christmas?"

"I would've thought so too but Christmas has been so long ago for them."

"I suppose your right." Cora agreed. "Come on loves, time to open your presents."

"Come along lads, my wee lass, tear the paper."

"Go on, tear it." Cora encouraged.

Charlie and Ben quickly started tearing the paper and tearing faster and faster as soon as they figured out how fun a thing it was. The boys started to giggle and Charlotte, who'd been hesitant, dove in and began to tear too, her mother's reassuring hand on her back.

"That's my baby lass."

"Oh, no, no, Benjamin, Charlie don't eat the paper!" Cora laughed, urgently trying to pull the paper out of the boy's mouths.

"Oh my goodness!" Elsie laughed, rushing into help her.

The boys didn't know what to do when they finished unwrapping the boxes and so instead of opening them, both began to eat the paper.

"Oh dear." Cora paused.

"They'll be fine. It's just a bit of paper." Elsie laughed. "You very silly lads." Charlie and Ben began to laugh.

"I have a feeling our mischievous boys will be getting into a lot of these fixes in the future."

"I'd agree."

Elsie and Cora turned when they heard Charlotte begin to clap, soon discovering that unlike her friend and brother, she'd figured out how to open the gift.

…..

Later That Night- Dinner Time

Elsie felt her heart stop, her very life flashing before her as her husband keeled over suddenly into the dinner table moaning and clutching his chest. Her first instinct was to rush to his side and aid. It hurt her deeply to not do it, but she refrained, quickly assuming his tasks for him so that he wouldn't try to do it in the midst of whatever state he was in and cause himself further duress.

Elsie found herself in a complete panic. Her mind went numb and everything around her seemed to blur into slow motion. She didn't dare look at him as Mrs. Crawley, Lady Sybil and Lord Grantham swept in to tend to him. Instead she resorted to doing his job and organized the other servants quickly. She didn't think she could look, not if something was really wrong. She couldn't see him that way in pain, or worse…she'd wait until someone told her it was all right to see.

A fog came over her and with it a sense of denial. 'Not now', she thought, 'not now please when our life together is what I always dreamed it would be.' In that time, she spoke and listened but had no sense of it. She didn't think her heart beat or that she even breathed for several moments even as she gave orders. Finally she looked over her shoulder when she heard his strong, reassuring voice and her heart started to beat again one sharp, quickened thud at a time simply because he was still alive.

As soon as she'd set everyone to work, Elsie covered her mouth, retreating to the hall not realizing Cora was at her heals.

"Elsie." Cora said calmly, putting a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder.

Elsie turned to face her, tears in her eyes now. She felt embarrassed for crying and ashamed for not sticking it out and staying in the room. She'd tried on both fronts but couldn't bare it. This was the love of her life, and best friend of almost twenty years, and the father of her children…her young children. Elsie felt desperate and so scared inside.

"Oh my dear friend. It's alright they're seeing to him now it'll be alright."

Elsie was shocked that Cora took her into her arms and held her tight. Knowing it was all right, Elsie let herself cry and allowed her friend and employer to hold her.

"M'lady what if it's not alright?"

"It will be." Cora soothed.

"What happens if it isn't?"

"If it isn't you and the babies will have a home here with us and you'll always be taken care of. You won't have to worry about a thing."

"Oh m'lady." Elsie cried. "If something should happen to him, I'd worry and long for him every second for the rest of my life."

…...

"Waaaah-aaaah!" It was pitch black in the nursery and Charlotte stood peering between the bars of her crib and screaming.

She'd woken up late in the evening, realizing that her mother hadn't come to collect them and that she and Charlie were still in the nursery. Frightened, she immediately began to cry but her sobs did not wake her brother and friend. She felt panicked but was too little to understand why. She couldn't put it into words but she was worried about her mother. When had she not come back before?

"Shu, shu little love come here Miss Charlotte."

Charlotte's tears slowed when she felt herself being lifted from the bed and heard Cora's familiar but strange American accent tickle her ear. Cora never tended to the children but had heard Charlotte when nanny slept through her tears. Cora went into the room, deciding to give nanny a break.

"It's alright sweet girl. You'll see your Mommy in the morning she and your Daddy just needed some rest. But Lady Cora is here. She's got you."

…

"Thank the Lord." She whispered, tucking him into bed for what felt like the hundredth time that night. "My Mr. Carson is alive and well and he shall stay that way."

Carson was still tired and lay, back in his bed staring up at his wife. Dr. Clarkson had said that he was fine, but that he'd stressed himself to a harmful level. He'd privately warned the couple, before leaving, that if he didn't relax and take some of the pressure off of himself it could lead to a real heart attack, and soon. Such advice scared Elsie to death and made Carson feel like an old man.

"I'm here, to stay with you and love you, my Mrs. Carson."

"You almost died today." She reflected, tears coming to her eyes.

"I did not, that said, I'd love to see my children on their birthday."

"They're in the nursery with Benjamin, sleeping. I will collect them early in the morning."

"Fair enough I…during my scare." He said, watching as she removed her shoes and climbed into bed at his side, he wrapped his arm around her and held her closer as she settled into his chest, holding him too.

Elsie paused, shutting out his words in favor of his scent and the feel of his heartbeat under her hand. Rattled from earlier, she had the urge to memorize all of her Charlie that evening, from the sound of his voice to the lines on his face and all the way back to the beating of his heart. She leaned over and kissed his chest softly through the fabric of his pajama top. Carson paused, understanding what she was doing. The idea touched him deeply and also chilled him to the bone. He didn't want to think of dying. Sure he was aging, but some deeper part of him fought to be younger than his years, not just because he had little children, but because he was finally free to live a life, and because he did so with a woman he loved beyond compare who excited him in ways he'd only dreamed of when he was younger.

He'd panicked when the pain started and he went down practically with a thud. Life was finally so perfect it simply couldn't end this way.

"Thank you Elsie, for being my fairy tale in everyway."

"Oh Charlie I could say the same."

"When I fell I kept simply thinking about the wish I made this morning for our little boy."

"Oh?"

"That he live the life his father had wanted to before him: one where he was free to explore, to be spontaneous… to not have to dedicate his life to something so…solid as service. I can feel the young man in me Elsie, he's buried, even crushed by work and instead of freeing him, I add more to his burdens…but you set him free every time you crawl into my arms." She smiled deeply as he rested his forehead against hers.

"Or simply just flash me a smile." He continued. "And the twins," he laughed, "the twins bring out that much younger, happier man just in being. He wanted to see the world, but he resides, happily in a cottage in Yorkshire. Thank you, my love for keeping him alive, for nurturing him and bringing him out to play. My wish for our son was much the same that he be endowed with that same spirit, that it dwell in him and keep him young at heart all his days and that whatever it brings, it's the joy of his world, just as you are mine."

"How did you get so romantic?" She asked, breathlessly pressing her forehead against his.

"Longing and waiting for my time with you; love of my life." He smiled.

"How is you heart, my Mr. Carson?" She asked nervously, pressing her hand against his chest. He placed his hand gently over hers, in an attempt to soothe her.

"It beats steady, it marches on with you in mind."

"Oh my Charlie, I love you beyond the world." She started to cry again. "And I'm so glad you're here with me."


	16. My Home Is Your Hospital?

Ch 16- My Home Is Your…Hospital?

April 1917

"Thomas!" Elsie cried, surprised to see him when she rounded the corner.

She was headed upstairs now, her husband in tow. They'd known the former footman was returning, and in a capacity Carson did not approve of, but seeing him now so early in the morning after his two and a half year absence, was a surprise. Today Downton was slated for what was probably the biggest transformation it would ever make: a conversion from home to hospital. Carson and Elsie had a lot to attend to after she dropped the twins off with nanny and neither was looking forward to taking orders from Thomas. In fact, Carson didn't plan on doing so.

"Oh, hello Mrs. Hughes." Thomas said. Carson cleared his throat, correcting him. "Mrs. Carson now, I'm sorry."

"Thomas, this is our daughter, Charlotte." She introduced. "And our son, Charlie."

Carson said nothing and was a little miffed that his wife was bothering to introduce the twins. Charlotte, the tiny auburn-red-headed girl, now two, sat balanced on her mother's hip chewing on the ear of one of her stuffed animals. She looked Thomas up and down, wondering who he was. Charlie held his mother's hand and chewed on his fingers as he gazed up at the strange man. Thomas wanted to laugh, noting that although he looked like his mother, there was just a hint of Charles Carson in the way the boy looked up at him disapprovingly. He didn't know then that just like with his father, he and Charlie Jr. would never really see eye to eye.

"Hello Charlotte, Charlie it's nice to meet you. Twins?" He asked surprised by this too.

"Yes." Elsie confirmed. "Charlie, Charlotte, this is Thomas. Well, I have to be going. Taking them up to nanny now." She smiled and quietly continued her walk up the stairs, taking special care to help Charlie navigate his way up the steps.

"Mr. Carson." Thomas greeted. Carson said nothing and turned, following his wife and son up the stairs.

"I suppose not much has changed after all." Thomas mumbled under his breath.

"Why did you introduce the twins?" Carson asked when he and Elsie got up to the first floor.

"Why didn't you say anything?" She asked.

The halls were already bursting with people going every which direction, carrying things, and so forth even though the family had yet to be served breakfast. Charlie and Charlotte's eyes widened, automatically: they did not understand any of what was going on. Carson parted ways with his wife and the twins, so he could go to work. Elsie remained at the foot of the staircase with the children. Charlie, in particular, stood staring at everything that was going on.

"Come along Charlie lad, I know it's a little bit scary." Elsie soothed, urging him to come up the stairs with her. The toddler obediently followed his mother, clutching her hand as he did, but continuing to look back, fear evident in his tiny eyes. "That's my wee boy, the two of you are going to spend your day upstairs with Benjamin, far away from all of the tumult."

…

"Good-bye Ben." Sybil whispered, kissing the top of her baby brother's head as he stood by the front door.

Two-year-old Benjamin was upset about bidding his favorite sister a farewell and scared by everything else that was going on. He looked around, startled at the buzz of activity all around him. He didn't understand who all these strangers were and why so many of them were going in and out of the house moving things around. No one had explained it to him and he couldn't help but watch, fear and a hint of curiosity in his eyes. Sybil tickled his cheek, catching his attention and causing the toddler boy to forget his fears and giggle.

A little more than two years had passed since Ben and the twins were born. In that time, the three had grown exponentially as the war had continued to rage on, changing little at Downton until now. Ben, the heir to the title and estate, didn't realize that it was a momentous and definitely historical day that marked not only desperation but changing times. His family's private home would never be quite so private again after this transformation, and his future title not so prestigious.

"I'll see you after my shift Ben." She smiled, kissing his forehead.

Ben didn't understand where his sister went everyday, but he knew she helped people and he'd followed her to the door in the hope that he could come with her and perhaps take part in whatever she did.

"Did you know that after today I won't be leaving on shifts anymore?" She smiled, clapping his two tiny hands together.

"No go." Ben pouted, begging his favorite sister to stay.

"I won't go." She beamed. "I'll be staying right here at home with Ben and I'll be able to take care of soldiers from here… and I'll sneak away to the nursery whenever I can. I promise "

He giggled, excited by her promise and looked up, startled once again when a man carrying a large table, pushed them aside. He pouted and began to whimper in fear, sidling up to his sister and grabbing her cloak.

"Don't cry! I know it's scary, but we're doing a good thing." She

Informed, her words catching his ear. She smiled up at her mother as she appeared in the doorway. Cora smiled back, agreeing with her daughter's assessment.

'A good thing?' Ben wondered. He was excited, that's exactly what he wanted to do, help people like she did…even though he didn't have much of an idea of what that met. He wondered if all of this commotion met they were doing just that.

"That's right my love." Cora whispered, coming up behind her son, and

picking him up. Ben giggled again, ecstatic his mother had left all the work she'd been doing with cousin Isobel to come and see him. "Big sister is going to be home more often now that the house is becoming a hospital."

While she'd been momentarily apprehensive, she was thrilled at the news in some odd way because she wanted Sybil home and moreover she wanted to help in the war effort too. Offering Downton as a hospital was a new frontier, for them. It was frightening, and it seemed inappropriate at best but she and Robert knew in their heart of hearts they were doing the right thing.

"Oh look, at the time!" Sybil exclaimed, kissing her mother and brother's cheeks. "I have to go, bye Mama, bye Ben."

"Bye!" He called, waving as Branson put her in the car and drove away.

"I'm proud of big sister, aren't you Ben?" Cora whispered, waving as they drove away.

"Bye." He waved quietly.

"Yes Benjamin." Mary teased as she came and stood alongside their mother. "Say goodbye to your favorite big sister."

"Oh Mary." Cora laughed, thinking she was joking. "Here." She kissed Ben's cheek and handed him to her oldest. "Can you take him up to nanny?"

"Of course." She said simply, not speaking again until her mother went away.

Ben paused, staring up at her intently. He could tell that Mary was sad lately, although he didn't know why. He thought it had something to do with that Lavinia girl but wasn't sure. Mary sighed, holding her head high as usual as he made her way toward the stairs to return her baby brother to the nursery. He leaned over suddenly and kissed her cheek and she stopped even in the midst of all these people and smiled.

"I'm glad that at least _**you**_ know the way to a woman's heart." She smiled, kissing his cheek in reply.

…

Carson and Elsie both found their busy day more upsetting than arduous. The couple stayed on their feet for hours, doing their part to try to ensure Downton a smooth transition from home to hospital. Unfortunately, by mid-day Carson had come to the conclusion it was a transition that could never be fully or cleanly made. This, for however long it lasted, would be something of a mess and a pain for everyone involved.

He didn't much like the idea of being ordered around in a place where he'd been mostly in charge for many years…and neither did Lord Grantham. The two men understood each other's feelings on the subject almost instantly, although they had not had the chance to confer on the matter. Elsie and Cora felt mutually and spent much of their day jointly battling Isobel Crawley for control of the place, with Cora winning out to some degree, gaining equal oversight with her cousin.

It wasn't until later, when the injured young men started to pour into their new, albeit temporary home, that the Carson's day became unbearable. Neither had much of a hand in caring for the men, it wasn't their job after all. But both watched, the pain and abject misery the soldiers were enduring with equal despair. Over the many hours spent doing other things, husband and wife snuck each other small, pain-filled glances. The soldier's condition brought sorrow into the house and panic into their hearts.

Each of them longed to take a moment to go upstairs and hug their own son tight. Elsie wasn't sure if she could continue on with the tasks assigned to her after she'd realized it: that these men were only boys, whose mother she was old enough to be. And that her own baby, safe, unharmed upstairs could easily have been one of them if fate had held a different date of birth for him. Elsie froze when some medics brought one young man in on a stretcher, half his arm blown off. She took a deep breath, trying to keep from crying and throwing up at the same time.

'Keep strong lass.' She chastised herself. 'You're the lucky one your bitty boy is well and he is upstairs, probably sound asleep.'

Carson watched his wife from across the vast room, his heart sinking, understanding almost instantly what played across her mind. He too understood that any of these boys could have easily been theirs but he found himself worried for a reason that he knew hadn't yet occurred to his wife although it would in time. The war had gone on longer than any of them had ever anticipated and none of them knew when to expect its end. Suppose it should last and get worse, or die off and end only to rear its ugly head once more and swallow up his son just as it had these unlucky lads.

…

Later That Night

"Mama." Two-year-old Charlotte mumbled, running her fingers over her lips as she looked over at Mrs. Patmore.

Beryl could tell she was looking for Elsie and was afraid she was going to get upset and start crying. Charlie did the same thing and started looking for his mother over his shoulder. It had been a very busy day and the twins sat in their highchairs, happy to be with Auntie Beryl but missing their mother. The twins had been away from their parents all day and were beginning to get upset about it. They'd been with Ben and the nanny for hours and she'd brought them down just a while ago at Elsie's instruction so they could have some time with their godmother before they finally went home for the evening.

"Your Ma and Da have somewhere to be tonight." Beryl explained. "I'm sure they'll be back for Charlie and Charlotte soon. But in the meantime, we're gonna have fun, and you're both going to help Auntie Beryl cook for tomorrow, aren't ya?"

Charlotte clapped at this idea and Charlie took hold of the baby bottle full of cow's milk Beryl had prepared for him and began to drink.

"I'm sure ya wouldn't mind Auntie Beryl spoilin' ya rotten while their gone, would ya?" She laughed.

"Noooo." Charlie shook his head, knowing that met sweets of some kind.

"How about some ice cream I just made your favorite."

"Stabewwy." Charlotte attempted, her eyes lighting up. Charlie clapped.

The twins, especially Charlotte, adored strawberry.

"Yes loves, strawberry." Beryl said, tying a dishtowel around the girl's neck. "And it even matches with your hair!"

Charlotte and Charlie never understood why Mrs. Patmore always said that about strawberry matching their hair. Their hair was predominantly red with little hints of their mother's more auburn coloring and because of the ice cream they loved so much they saw strawberries as pink, not red.

"Mrs. Patmore I've got the…ooh, Charlotte, Charlie!" Daisy gasped.

"Yes, we've got little ones to ourselves for the evening Daisy." Charlotte clapped.

"Oh…" She hesitated.

"How about you feed them their dessert while I start the dishes for tomorrow, hum? And then after that a bath."

"Nooooo." The twins protested at the mention of a bath.

"Yes." Mrs. Patmore laughed.

"Why should we give them a bath?" Daisy asked.

"Why? So Mrs. Carson has one less thing to do, why else?!"

"Nooooo." The twins cried a second time.

"Yes. You will have a bath so your poor mother doesn't have to do it; she's tired to the bone and been on her feet all day. And we won't argue one more word about it the three of us." She laughed teasingly as she put a bowl down in front of each toddler.

Daisy was a bit disappointed thinking _she_ was the one who needed one less thing to do.

"I-if I feed them they're going to make a mess everywhere and I'll have to clean it up." She complained.

"Yes that's exactly right. They're two, and just learning to feed themselves, what in the world could you expect other than that?"

Daisy watched horrified as the twins put their hands in their ice cream and began to smear it all over themselves.

"What did I tell you?" Beryl laughed. "Bath time."

….

"Oh my Charlie. Thank you." Elsie whispered, taking his hand as they walked down the hall together. She was exhausted and still a bit sad but relished moments like this, they made it all worth it.

"For what?" He asked.

"Because they're precious, Daddy." She smiled.

He paused, hearing his children laughing and giggling in the distance. Both took a moment to just listen as they walked hand in hand, the sound of their happy children healing their broken hearts.

"Yes they are." He beamed. "The beautiful Charlotte Carson."

"And the amazing Charlie Carson." She whispered as he leaned over and kissed her.

Mrs. Patmore had given the twins their bath and then sat them down for a second desert. She had said, after all, that she would spoil them. She sat with them, talking a mile a minute and trying to get them to talk more as well, but she kept making them squeal and giggle instead. This was this sound that greeted Carson and Elsie as they approached the kitchen and filled their hearts with the greatest of joys.

"Well hello." Elsie announced once she and Carson rounded the corner into the kitchen.

"Mummy!" Charlotte squealed. Charlie automatically reached for his Dad.

"Oh look at somebody whose covered in strawberry, what a surprise." Elsie giggled, taking a cloth and beginning to clean her daughter's face even as she still chewed on the snack of fresh strawberries Beryl had given to her.

"I hope you don't mind." Mrs. Patmore said nervously.

"No, no we don't mind." Carson laughed, cleaning his son's hands off.

He leaned down and kissed the boy's head, trying to hide that there were tears in his eyes. He knew it was ridiculous but the plight of them men upstairs made him relieved to see his own son so happy. Charlie, meanwhile, was still snacking and was confused by the fact that his father thought he was done. He picked up his bowl and handed it to him, thinking he'd want to have some banana slices too.

"Thank you son." He acknowledged quietly.

"She's particularly insatiable when it comes to the strawberries: remember?" Beryl reminded.

"Oh boy, do I." Elsie laughed. She'd never be able to forget.

Carson left his son to finish his snack, coming up behind his wife and kissing her cheek.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes." He said. "I just have to go into my office and finish something and then we can go home."

"Thank the Lord!" She was relieved. Elsie was exhausted and couldn't wait to put the twins in bed and go to sleep. "And Beryl, if it's anyone's fault she loves the strawberry it's mine."

"It is." Carson laughed, kissing Charlotte's cheek before he left the room. "It's also why they turned out to be such red-heads."

"Charlotte, Charlie don't listen to him you get your hair from Mummy and it's not even red, per say..."

"Mum!" Charlotte swallowed the last bit of strawberry, reaching up eagerly for her mother. Elsie cleaned her hands off and picked her up.

"Oh my baby, come here. I've missed you." Elsie whispered, lifting the girl out of the wooden highchair.

"I've never seen anybody crave anything that way." Beryl remarked.

"Hmm." Elsie asked, more focused on the girl now. She balanced her on her hip as she made her way over to the son she'd longed for all day.

"The way you wanted strawberries when you were pregnant."

"Oh yes, I was insatiable as well." She said quietly, beginning to rock Charlotte. In the past year, she and Beryl had concluded it was really Charlotte's taste for strawberries that had made Elsie crave them during pregnancy.

"Here, I made bottles for ya for when you get home, so you won't have to do it."

"Oh Mrs. Patmore that was very kind; thank you. I couldn't have done it I'm so tired. That up there today…that was, something else."

"I know." She paused. "I know you must've seen some things I haven't been up but I've heard details: are you alright?"

"Oh I will be now. Come on my precious little dears its bedtime." She whispered, picking up Charlie now too and holding a twin on each of her hips. The children sighed, finally allowing themselves to feel tired now that they were back in her arms where they felt the safest.

…

Both children fell asleep in their mother's arms before they ever left the abbey. Carson took the twins from his wife, holding them tight for the duration of their long walk home. It was late and the children woke up once they got to the cottage, tired but eager to have some milk before they went back to sleep. Elsie heated the bottles and Carson started the fire. They were exhausted and it seemed like for them, that work never ended. At least this work, of caring for their children was the happiest and most important work they did.

Neither spoke for a few moments as they settled in. He took Charlie she took Charlotte. Their lack of conversation in those moments said everything it needed to about that day and how they both realized that the armless half dead boy could easily have been their own son.

"What a long day." Carson sighed, sitting down in his armchair across from his wife and opening the paper, his young son half asleep in his lap, suckling on his bottle.

"Yes. It was." She remarked. Elsie was sitting in her rocking chair by the fire, feeding Charlotte the bottle Mrs. Patmore had made. The girl drank quickly but Elsie could tell that sleep was about to overtake her. She was sort of saddened by the idea and felt she didn't get nearly enough time with her children. "What's in the news?" She asked, rubbing her nose against Charlotte's.

"The war." He replied simply. It seemed like there was never anything else in the news these days.

"Oh." She said sadly. "Charlie, ya know I've been thinking…we were spared that."

"Hum?" He looked up quickly.

"If we'd had children when we planned, when we were younger. We could have boys in this war." She explained.

Carson looked up suddenly when she said this, obviously horrified by the idea. While the concept had crossed his mind, he hadn't thought of it in those specific terms and it chilled him to the bone. He held his own boy tighter to his chest, wondering if he should admit his own fear to her.

"O-oh Elsie you're right." He said simply.

"So, we were spared that awful pain." She remarked, he wasn't sure.

"It does feel strange: doesn't it?"

"Hmm?" She asked, turning her attention back to their daughter whose eyes were growing heavier by the moment.

"For everyone else our age to have a child dying in the war, or broken hearted because a beau died in the war…and we have babies. Innocent, perfect little babies who still have every chance at a wonderful life and a better world to live in." Carson said, tears streaming down his cheeks as he looked down at his son. It was dark and Elsie didn't notice her husband was crying.

"Yes, that's what I met. You know, Lord and Lady Grantham were spared too."

"But Mr. Crawley…"

"Yes, but their own boy. Could you imagine if Benjamin were Lady Edith's age? But he's not, is he? He's just a baby too."

"I'm glad we were made to wait. I still can't believe I have such a lovely boy and girl. Charlie and Charlotte are simply perfect."

"I'm glad she's a girl. After all, we can't loose her over a broken heart." Elsie whispered sadly, rubbing her nose against Charlotte's.

Carson's heart seemed to pause for a moment, he couldn't believe she'd said that: that she'd acknowledged his greatest fear so simply. Nonetheless, in someway he agreed.

"You are right." He said, leaning over to look in their daughter's face, smiling halfheartedly. "Wars will come and go and young men with them…in that way, a daughter is the best of blessings."

"She is." She said, rubbing her nose against the little girl's once more, her heart breaking over unspoken fear for her son. "My beautiful little child. And hopefully, the war gets out of the way and our boy will be spared."

"It's the curse of having a boy." Carson swallowed hard, looking down at his now sleeping toddler son. He felt his lip begin to tremble and rubbed his face in the boy's hair, kissing him softly.

Carson and Elsie spent the rest of the evening, hiding their sorrow and fear from each other, and twisting it into an outpouring of affection for their sleeping twin children. Both were so afraid their children were destined for a future like the ones they'd witnessed today. That their daughter would grow up and get her heart broken by the loss of a brother or a beau or both. And much worse, that their precious son, who they'd worked so hard to give life to, would be lost to something so bloody as this war. The idea made Carson feel useless and Elsie desperate.

"May God bless and keep you my precious boy." Carson whispered, his tears wetting his son's head as he kissed him.

"My God bless and protect you my lass." Elsie whispered, holding Charlotte tight.


	17. September 1917

Ch 17- September 1917

*Disclaimer: Once again, please keep in mind that I've changed some of the timeline of what happens in cannon, Ethel's situation for example. Nonetheless, much of it will still happen as it does in the show. Thanks as always for your wonderful feedback. I'm so glad that many of you are enjoying this story as much as I am!

September 1917

"Oh Elsie, she's so cute!" Cora squealed as she came down the stairs.

Charlotte held her mother's hand as she worked and watched the procession of people making their way outside. She and Charlie were waiting almost impatiently for Benjamin. Charlie held on to his mother's skirt, he was fidgety, impatient, and anxious to run off and play. His mother, in the midst of her work, rested her hand gently on his back or head every now and then to try and settle him down.

Cora noticed something looked different about the twins today but was unsure what it was. In truth, they were a bit older it seemed, not enough to mark any kind of significant difference, but just enough to warrant note. Both were dressed in their finest clothes and Charlotte wore a big white bow that perfectly contrasted her almost shoulder-length auburn hair.

"Thank you m'lady." Elsie smiled briefly, quickly returning to her work ordering the maids about.

Downton had been a hospital for many months now and Isobel had decided to have an end of summer party on the lawn for the family, staff and soldiers who were well enough to attend. Elsie was busy, but glad she was going to get to spend the day watching her children playing.

"Mrs. Carson." The nanny announced when she and Benjamin came down the stairs.

"Oh, hello nanny. I think the twins are just about ready. Sweethearts, you're going to go to the party with nanny and Benjamin. You're going to have a lot of fun, alright?"

"Nooo." Charlie cried.

"No Mummy." Charlotte reached for her.

Charlotte and Charlie looked up at her with slight confusion in their eyes that no one understood. They'd been looking forward to their time with Ben, what was true, and they didn't dislike their nanny but they also had been desperately hoping that their mother would attend the party with them. Elsie sighed, getting on her knees to face her twins.

"Mummy loves the two of you so very much more than the whole of the world." She beamed, the twins soothed by her smile in an instant. The sight made Benjamin look around for his own mother who was nowhere to be found. "My lad and lass, Mummy has to work, but she and Daddy will see you at the party."

"Nooo." The twins began to whimper collectively.

"Goodbye my loves. Goodbye." Elsie took a moment to kiss each of her twins on the cheek and wave at Benjamin as nanny took Charlie's hand and Charlotte took Ben's.

"Goodbye Benjamin. Goodbye my lad and my lass." Elsie blew a kiss her children's way.

Elsie sighed, looking outside for the first time that day as she watched nanny take the three toddlers onto the lawn. She smiled at the sight at first, her joy turning to frustration when another scene caught her eye. The lawn was dotted with tables and games and chairs for the men to rest outdoors. In all it looked very much like the annual garden party did in some ways, except with accommodation for the fact that Downton was a convalescent home now.

Elsie huffed in frustration when she saw Ethel sitting over to the side, kneeling against the chair Major Bryant sat in and laughing with him. She had half a mind to go down there and break it up. It'd been going on long enough and was becoming increasingly inappropriate by the day. She was about to make her way toward them but then Isobel tapped her on the shoulder, needing her assistance in the other room and she forgot about the couple for the time being.

…

A while later most everyone was out on the lawn. In a switch from old times, Lord and Lady Grantham were each working in some capacity, instead of enjoying the party, so like Carson and Elsie, they spent whatever time they could, stealing glances as the children as they played. The three attempted some of the games met for the soldiers but mostly partook of the snacks and chased each other around. None of them would ever know the happiness they brought to the soldiers, nurses and everyone else watching them. They were a reminder that even in times like these, innocence thrived and life went on in the most meaningful of ways.

Carson smiled deeply as he watched his little girl giggle. He wanted nothing more than to abandon his work and play with her, to watch her little eyes sparkle with innocence and joy, and then to take his son and do the same, perhaps start teaching him how to play cricket? Yes. Today would be the perfect day for the lad's first game of cricket.

Instead, he watched the children for a few moments as they laughed and played not knowing his wife and their employers were doing the same. Nanny was helping Charlie play a game while Charlotte and Ben waited their turns. The two seemed to be babbling to each other, attempting to converse about something. Suddenly, Ben kissed Charlotte straight on the lips. Charlotte paused for a moment before squealing, after which she began to giggle like mad, Ben followed suit.

Cora gasped when she saw it, finding it just adorable. Something about it gave her goose bumps. Elsie thought it was the sweetest thing she'd ever seen. Robert found it funny and was actually sort of proud his son had kissed his first girl while he was still just a baby. Carson, however, was fuming. He felt his heart almost skip a beat or even stop when it happened, and then very suddenly he found himself consumed with anger. Unlike the rest of them he didn't see it as an innocent little baby kiss, he saw it as inappropriate and something that threatened to steal his daughter's innocence away…and some how to take her away from him. Deep inside, he knew his reaction was ridiculous, but he couldn't check his anger.

"Charlotte!" He called sharply.

The little girl looked up surprised, her auburn hair bouncing on her shoulder. She understood something was wrong immediately and was confused by her father's anger when he approached. She didn't want to leave, but didn't protest when he picked her up. He practically tore Charlie's hand out of nanny's and made a kind excuse as he took the children and turned away.

"Come along." He'd said. "I think we've had enough excitement for one day."

Ben was distressed by Charlotte being ripped away like that and ran into nanny's arms. She understood his pain and cuddled him tightly. Like Cora, the nanny had some understanding of Ben's feelings for the Carson girl. Charlotte looked back at Ben sadly as she was carried away and he stared back, his sad blue eyes, pooling with tears.

…

"Charlie you're being absurd!" Elsie laughed, tying a bib around their son.

They were in Downton's kitchen: fighting, as they were getting ready to feed the twins an early dinner. The whole thing was surreal for Beryl who'd never seen them argue before and was biting her tongue to keep herself from interjecting.

Feeding the twins that night was an added burden they hadn't had time for, and was making the altercation worse. Usually, on nights like this, when there was to be a big dinner for the family and guests, the twins stayed with nanny and Ben until late, and she fed them.

Tonight, Carson had rejected that offer and even at Elsie's insistence, he refused to allow them to be taken back upstairs. Worse, they would go home very late that night, if at all, and had to feed the babies (and hopefully get them to sleep) well before the evening got under way, which was a tall order.

"She's just a baby for heaven's sake it's a baby kiss, it doesn't matter!" Elsie yelled as she watched him settle Charlotte into her highchair.

"Well I should say it certainly does!" He protested.

"Oh good lord." Beryl mumbled, placing the twin's bowls in front of them. "What will we do with him when she's fourteen and has a beau?"

"Don't say that!" Carson exclaimed.

"Not helping." Elsie mumbled under her breath.

The twins began to dig in right away, using their hands instead of their utensils. They watched closely, their eyes wandering back and forth from one parent to the other as they argued. They weren't used to seeing them disagree and were horribly confused. They also didn't understand what had made their father so angry at the party earlier.

"Well don't pin this on me." Carson spat back at his wife as he took Charlotte's hands and cleaned them off so he could try to force her to use her spoon. The twins liked to make a mess when eating and it had become a source of contention between father and children. "I'm not exactly the only one who's trying to keep them younger than they are."

"He's right about that." Beryl agreed.

Both the Carson's stopped, staring back at the cook angrily for intervening.

"Never mind me." She turned away.

"Keep them younger? They're only…"

Carson sighed. "They're nearly three-years-old. I know we waited so long to have children, they mean so much to me too but the nursing, Elsie, they're too old!"

"He's right. I mean the lass has gotten her first kiss." Beryl stopped when Elsie and Charlie glared at her.

Elsie still nursed the twins at night before they went to bed and sometimes in the day if she had the space to just be alone with them and cuddle them. Carson and Mrs. Patmore thought they were getting too old for it, but Elsie felt she was just connecting with the baby twins she longed to spend more time with. Besides, the nursing calmed them after a long day and helped them fall asleep much easier than they otherwise would. All of this, like the twin's other eating habits, had become a source of contention between husband and wife over the past few months.

After the twins had finished dinner, Elsie picked them both up without a word to either her husband or friend and hurried up the stairs.

"I'm right you know." Beryl told him, Carson looked back in surprise.

"What, how so?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"First off, they are too old for nursing."

"Well I'll agree to that…."

"But you shouldn't pressure her about it."

"What I…" Carson was growing frustrated with the cook.

"She waited so long to be a Mummy and they're very close the three of them. Not that they're not close to you." She specified. "But you're not." She sighed, gathering herself. "You're not part of that process. It's an emotional thing between a mother and babies, not just a physical one. It's not for you to determine when they'll wean, but they will. I promise, and probably soon." She looked back at Carson, seeing that he was visibly angry with her. She didn't care and decided to just stare back at him, steadfast in her words. "And then there's the matter of the kiss. She's really right; it is just a baby kiss. I saw it, he slobbered all over her."

Carson was fuming at the mention of this. "I see. So you side resoundingly with Mrs. Carson on all of this I take it?"

"No." She shrugged. "Not everything. Like I said, they are too old to nurse."

…

"Are you speaking to me Elspeth Carson?" Carson asked, knocking on the bedroom door as he entered.

It was late and because dinner had run over and the twins were asleep they'd decided to stay at the abbey for the night. After moving to their cottage Carson and Elsie had retained her old room just for this purpose. The light was dim and she had her back to him when he entered the room. Baby Charlie was snoring audibly, but Charlotte was lying next to her mother nursing and half asleep.

"That depends." She sighed. "Are you speaking to me?"

"Yes." He took off his shoes slowly, his feet aching badly after a long day.

They said nothing as he undressed and he watched her nurse their half asleep daughter.

"Why's she still up?"

"You mean why is she nursing?" She clarified as he climbed into bed. "She's scared Charlie, she still needs me to put her to sleep this way, she's little."

He propped his head up on his hand watching as Charlotte's eyes grew heavy.

"You never liked it." He observed.

"No I don't, but they do and it makes us so much closer and I like that." She whispered, holding the girl close and kissing her cheek. Actually, after nursing all this time, it didn't hurt so much anymore.

"I see."

"It's different for me Charlie…I struggled for so long to have them, and then nursing was difficult and I almost lost them both… we need extra time some people don't that's all."

"Mrs. Patmore said they'd wean when they were ready."

"They will." She smiled. "They're starting to. Oh Charlie I know you can't keep them little forever. If I know that, surely you do." She paused, a hint of sadness in her eyes.

"Yes I do." He confessed, running his fingers through his snoring little boy's hair. He paused for a moment. "I suppose I just felt…like time had gone by a bit too quickly when she was kissed. She's little, _**I'm**_ supposed to be the man in her life and I suppose I just got…"

"Jealous?" She asked.

"Hurt." He clarified.

"Oh Daddy it's alright. She was asking for you before she got sleepy."

"She was?"

"Umhmm." She smiled. "I'm sure that right now you're not only the only man in her life, but the center of her world."

Carson blushed at the thought, doubting it was true, but deep inside, hoping that it was.

"And that even when she does find someone." She whispered, inching closer to him. "She'll still have that special place right in the center of her heart just for Daddy."

Carson beamed, starting to cry as Elsie leaned her forehead against his and kissed him softly.

…

The family went to sleep shortly after that it had been a physically and emotionally taxing day. Charlotte was curled up in her mother's arms, and Charlie had woken up and climbed on top of his dad's chest where he fell back asleep. Carson laid there for a while, watching his baby son snore on top of him, and wishing that time wasn't going by so tremendously quickly. Still, it didn't take long for him to also fall asleep. The four were exhausted and would've slept soundly all night and perhaps into the day had they, and the rest of the house, not woken up to Mr. Lang's loud, panicked screaming.

It was overwhelming and just kind of happened all at once. Carson had been sound asleep and then suddenly Mr. Lang was screaming…and so were the twins. The little boy and girl were startled, having been woken from a sound sleep by the man's yelling and as a result they'd both started sobbing uncontrollably. Elsie gathered them into her arms as Carson, still partially asleep, sprung to his feet and raced down the hall with everyone else. Elsie put her crying twins on her hips, deciding she had to see what all of this was about.

By the time she arrived in his doorway; the twins were calmed down a little. No longer screaming, they sucked their thumbs as tears still streamed down their cheeks. When she got there, she found her husband, Anna, Mrs. Patmore, Thomas and Daisy gathered around the doorway, with Ms. O'Brien, of all people, putting the man back to bed.

"Shell shock." Carson whispered, placing his hand on the slope of his wife's back and ushering her out into the hall.

"Oh." She understood, bristling at the thought.

Everyone was in the hall now, talking or preparing to return to bed or both. Elsie looked around, noting that someone was missing.

"Our little lad and lass are scared." She noted.

"Oooh!" He soothed, reaching out to take them both from her. "Let's have a little chat about it, shall we? Daddy's here and he's going to make all the scary things go away." He informed. They clung to him as he kissed their cheeks.

"Perhaps a story." Elsie suggested, passing the room Anna and Ethel shared and noting it was empty.

"It's late but perhaps that's the perfect thing to get them back to…"

"Yes, yes it is." She said. "How about you start?"

"Elsie?"

"I'm a bit thirsty." She told him. "I'm going to go downstairs and get a drink of milk…would you like anything?"

"Would you like us to come with y…"

"No, no." She kissed his cheek. "I'll see you in bed in a few minutes it's alright."

"Alright." He agreed, raising an eyebrow as he took the twins back to bed.

Elsie went down to the kitchen, planning on getting herself some milk just for the sake of the way it looked, but in reality, she was really wondering where Ethel had gone off to. She was exhausted, and by the time she got her glass of milk, and turned to go back to bed, she started to wonder if perhaps she'd just missed something amidst the chaos of the man's screaming and her children's tears. But then the light shining from underneath the storage room door caught her eye. She'd passed it, but backtracked a little, pressing her ear up to the door. Elsie listened carefully, her mouth dropping open because of what she heard. She gasped audibly, and didn't hesitate to push open the door.

"Ethel!" She cried out angrily.

Major Bryant panicked, scrambling from his place on the floor and covering himself with the sheet. Elsie could tell he wanted to do his best to distance himself, to act like he wasn't participating in something he'd obviously initiated and possibly to pretend that he wasn't even there. The idea made Elsie sick.

"I know _**precisely**_ what you were doing Major! I may not be a woman of the world, but I don't live in a sack! Now: if you'll kindly take your things and go upstairs. Ethel you are dismissed without notice and without a character."

"I didn't think I…"

"No! And that's the problem you never do!"

Elsie made sure that Major Bryant left, and then turned, leaving Ethel all alone in the storage room before retreating to bed.

"What kept you so long? It was just milk?" Carson asked when she climbed back in bed. By this time, the twins were asleep once again. It'd been a while since she'd left and he was suspicious as to where she'd been. He'd also noticed someone had been unaccounted for during Mr. Lang's screaming session, but was unsure of who it was.

"It's a long story love." She told him.

"What?"

"I had to fire Ethel. I'll explain it tomorrow." She sighed.

"You'll explain it now." He corrected.

She paused, saying nothing for a moment and suddenly, she kissed his lips very gently.

"Mr. Carson. Sometimes, we disagree. Sometimes we upset each other. But I'm so happy." She whispered, looking down at the twins who rested, snuggled up between their parents. "That you love and respect me so much. That even when you first looked at me…."

"I thought. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." He smiled. "She's everything. She's perfect. And she's going to be my wife."

Elsie nuzzled him, tears in her eyes. "I'm so blessed for you to have that love and respect of me."

He understood what she met. In their situation, he could've easily just used her, and instead, he'd really risked everything to marry her. In that instant, he began to understand what she must've discovered downstairs.

"And I'm even more blessed you're so protective of our baby girl, that you want the same for her."

"No less than that would be acceptable for my little girl and certainly not for you. I love you tremendously Elsie, and unlike many men, there was only one option on the table for me when I realized I loved you, do you know what it was?" He whispered.

"No."

"That you would be mine, and only mine to have and to hold for the rest of forever. And that I be yours."

Elsie didn't say another word, overwhelmed by the contrast between what she'd dealt with downstairs and her husband's supreme love for her. She closed her eyes, beginning to cry as she pressed her lips gently against this. He wrapped his arms around her, and the children and deepened the kiss. She melted into his embrace, allowing his strong arms to soothe her, and drifted back to sleep, content by the thought that she'd never felt loved so much as in that night.


	18. If You Were The Only Girl In The World

Ch 18- If You Were The Only Girl In The World

March 1918

Elsie had gotten the twins from nanny and decided to keep them over a long lunch. The twins were excited to see their mother but Benjamin had been very upset to be left alone with nanny, then very excited to be taken, at last minute, to lunch by his sister Edith. Ben didn't know he was not going to lunch, but to piano practice so that he could preform in the concert that night alongside his two oldest sisters. He had no clue how to sing or play the piano, but they'd decided he'd be an adorable addition to their double act.

The twins had been ecstatic when their mother came to collect them and it warmed her heart. She took them downstairs and into the kitchen, baby talking to them and giggling with them as they ate. Beryl watched carefully as her friend placed the twins in their highchairs.

It amazed the cook how quickly the two had grown over the past several months. She couldn't believe that it had been three years since she'd watched them be born, when it felt like just yesterday. All of a sudden, they seemed like children rather than toddlers in some ways, but in others she still looked at them and saw tiny babies. It was a transformation that she'd noticed almost over night, and that Mr. Carson had known was coming for months. But Beryl didn't think Elsie had caught on. It was as if she was too invested, too in love to see the change in the two little souls she adored beyond compare.

"Mrs. Carson?" She asked.

"Hmmm?" Elsie answered, laughing as she rubbed her nose against her son's. She didn't look up and remained eye and nose contact with the little blue eyed boy who began to squeal in delight, laughing in his mother's face and causing her to smile brighter. Elsie kissed his nose.

"I…" She paused, not knowing how to say it. She was worried her friend clearly wasn't easing into the fact that the twins were getting bigger. "You know they're getting on…"

Elsie looked up from her son, surprised for a moment. She said nothing as she started to clean Charlotte's face with her napkin.

"I don't know Charlotte, do you think your getting on lass? Mummy thinks she's the one whose getting on." Elsie laughed. "Her and Daddy. And Auntie Beryl too." She said pointedly.

"I just met they're getting big aren't they? For the high-chairs and for…"

Elsie sighed, lifting the twins onto her hips.

"I don't know, but I'm getting awfully achy for two on each side of me." She laughed. Charlotte sucked her thumb, and both the twins looked over eagerly at the oven, already sensing the familiar smell of cookies baking.

"Auntie Beryl made you a special treat." She confided.

"Isn't that nice my lad and lass?" Elsie asked, following her friend over to the oven. Beryl opened the door and the twins looked down anxiously into the heat.

"Yay!" Charlotte clapped. Charlie giggled excitedly, following his sister's lead.

"Actually I made them for everyone…I figured we needed the cheering up, what with William and Mr. Crawley being missing. But Charlotte and Charlie get their own batch!"

"That's so lovely Mrs. Patmore, really." Elsie smiled appreciatively as Charlotte began to suck her thumb. "Maybe the two of you can have some soon."

"Cook-ie." Charlotte attempted.

"Very good lass." Beryl teased, reaching over and tickling Charlotte's cheek. She giggled and turned away from Beryl, planting her face in her mother's neck.

"Cookee!" Charlie repeated, reaching eagerly toward the oven.

"That's right, but after nap, lad." Elsie laughed. She kissed his cheek and retreated to her sitting room where she put Charlie down on his feet and closed the door.

"Do you want some my laddie?" Elsie asked, cradling Charlotte in her arms. Both twins knew exactly what she was speaking of. Charlotte accepted eagerly, hugging her mother, but Charlie didn't give her a second glance.

"Nooo." Charlie shook his head, wandering over to his toys in the corner of his mother's sitting room.

Elsie's heart sunk at his refusal and she hugged Charlotte tighter, her heart starting to pound harshly during its decent into her stomach. She bit her lip, supposing she knew this was coming. But she'd hoped, very secretly it wouldn't come for just a while longer.

"Charlie why not?" She asked, watching him carefully as he sat down with his toy train. He looked up at her, raising an eyebrow and began to giggle.

"Big!" He laughed.

"That's true my lad perhaps you are." She admitted, her heart continuing to sink as Charlotte buried her head in between her neck and shoulder. Elsie could tell the girl was merely sleepy, and pat her back gently. "Charlotte, are you too big too?"

Charlotte paused, thinking carefully about this. "Noooo!" She leaned over and gave her mother a kiss on the nose, causing Elsie to smile.

Elsie sighed sadly, putting Charlotte on the floor to play along side her brother. After a moment or two, she got on her knees beside them, deciding it was important to continue the conversation.

"Did ya know, that I love you both so much, even if you're too big. I love you no matter what you do or how big ya get." She said, running her fingers through Charlotte's hair. The twins listened carefully, understanding her meaning.

Elsie felt her heart flutter with relief when they turned to her excitedly and began to hug her. She gathered them both in their arms and kissed their chubby little cheeks repeatedly, pausing for a moment as she squeezed them, almost trying to savor their hug.

The twins were still small. Neither of them had a very sophisticated grasp of talking and sounded more like toddlers than children, still babbling much of the time even though they could form words. Both of them were messy eaters, much to their father's chagrin. And neither was ready for what you would know as nursery school. Still, Elsie had an overwhelming sense that the baby years were slipping away a little bit everyday. She knew she'd eventually get beyond the heartbreak of the twins growing older, and loosing those baby years. After all, she couldn't think of anything she wanted more than to see them grow up to be healthy and happy…but the thing was, she was not ready to loose the baby years: to quit nursing, to stop rocking them in her arms, to sing them to sleep…the end of it had snuck up suddenly, coming about like a thief in the night. And although she'd been, in her mind, reticent about it, she secretly longed to find a way to keep them this small, just a bit longer.

"Charlotte, my little Charles." She soothed. "Someday Mummy will have to tell you how much you're really loved, hum?" She asked as she rubbed their backs, able to tell they were getting sleepy. "How much you were always wanted, and how long mummy prayed for you my sweethearts. She prayed for you for a lifetime."

The twins yawned, resting their heads on her shoulders as they started to nod off. Elsie started to cry, leaning up against the wall, as she rocked them, her tears pouring on her drowsy children. She kissed their cheeks, still hurt by their rejection of her offer to nurse. Charlotte and Charlie didn't notice their mother's sadness, and fell asleep quickly in her arms as she cried herself to sleep.

….

Elsie ended up falling asleep on the floor with the twins in her arms. Beryl looked in on them, and decided to let them sleep. It had already been a long day, and with the concert that night, it would be even longer. Finally, Elsie woke with a start around two in the afternoon when her husband placed his hand on her shoulder; the twins remained sleeping in her arms.

"Oh-oh Charlie!" She cried, catching her breath.

"I'm sorry to wake you my love, but it's been well over an hour and I'm afraid you're needed upstairs."

"Oh oh, no it has?!"

"Yes, but you were so exhausted."

"Can you blame me?" She laughed, looking down at the twins.

"You've been crying." He observed, cupping her cheek in his hand.

She sighed. "They finally did it. They finally weaned. I think."

"Oh love. I am sorry. But it was time." He reminded and she nodded sadly. "Aren't you excited to get beyond nappies, feedings and sleepless nights?"

"Yes, I suppose…. but they're so precious and little that I…"

"Yes. But Elsie I love who they're becoming."

"So do I." She admitted; biting her lip as she looked down at the twins she cuddled in her arms.

Carson paused, able to tell that his wife was very sad. He sighed, making the difficult decision to sit on the floor with her. He knew he'd have a very hard time getting up after that, but consoling her would be a worthwhile price. He reached over and ran his fingers through his sleeping son's hair.

"I can't believe they're so big either." He confided. "I agree it's going a bit fast for my taste. It seems like just five minutes ago that they were premature little things whose heads fit in the palm of my hand." She laughed through her tears when he said this. "I'm always going to look at them and see those tiny little, almost hairless people."

"As will I."

"But the best we can do is to enjoy them every moment where they are and we're doing just that."

"I suppose so. Truthfully I…"

"What?"

"Oh I was thinking of Mrs. Crawley and Mr. Mason."

"As was I."

"To not know where your child is. Charlie I don't know that I can handle even the thought of that I…"

"He's just a boy still. He's in your arms. He'll be alright."

"I hope you're right." She wasn't sure. She leaned down and kissed her sleeping son's head.

"My Elsie." He laughed, his eyes sparkling. "I promise I am."

Many years later, her husband's words would call to her heart and soothe her when nothing else could.

…

The twins and Ben were all very curious about the gathering their parents brought them to, much later in the evening. They never got to spend much time around the soldiers and found their presence very interesting. Moreover, the three were just old enough to understand that it was past their bedtime. That prospect alone was exciting to Benjamin, who wondered what went on after he was put to bed. He was happy to be placed on his mother's lap and almost started to cry when Edith came to collect him once again. He was sad and in an instant his stomach began to ache: he had wanted nothing more than to sit with his mother.

Charlotte and Charlie, on the other hand, rested comfortably in their parent's embrace. Elsie balanced Charlotte on her hip and Carson held his son in his arms as they stood in line with all the other servants.

"Do you see chap?" Carson whispered, patting the boy's chest and stomach gently. "They're going to sing."

"That's right Charlotte." Elsie whispered. "Can you sing along lass?"

Charlotte nodded slowly, beginning to chew on her fingers as she watched everyone assemble. The twins knew about singing from church, but they weren't very good participants yet.

"Sometimes when I feel low and things look blue…" Mary began to sing, everyone else following her lead.

The twins were baffled, not knowing how to follow along unless they knew the words, which they did not.

"Come on lad." Carson encouraged, tickling Charlie's stomach and causing him to laugh. "You can sing."

"Daddy's right you can sing Charlotte." Elsie reassured, turning to her husband as she sung.

"Someone within my heart to build a throne, someone who'd never part, to call my own." He smiled deeply, beginning to sing too.

"If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy!"

Carson and his wife exchanged another smile and he had to hold himself back to keep from kissing her.

"Only boy!" Charlie burst, surprising his parents. They both smiled deeply, almost laughing. Charlotte didn't repeat the line because she was confused. She knew she wasn't a boy, so why should she sing that she was? That would be silly.

"Nothing else would matter in the world today. We could go loving in the same old way." Elsie beamed, staring at her husband, but cuddling their daughter.

"A garden of Eden just made for two, with nothing to mar our j—"

Mary and everyone else stopped very suddenly when Matthew and William entered the room, complete relief washing over the family and staff at their sudden appearance. Carson observed that Mary seemed about to cry. For a moment, he thought she'd run to him. Mr. Crawley smiled brightly as Mary almost shook as he walked toward her, everyone else looking on in joy.

"I would say such wonderful things to you there would be such wonderful things to do." He sung happily, making his way to her.

"If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy!"

Everyone else finished the song more joyously than they'd started and began to clap and cheer at the end. No one but Charlotte noticed when Ben turned around and looked straight back at her at the end, just as William eyed Daisy. Many years later, it would be something Charlotte would faintly remember and it would get her through.

…

After a couple of songs, which the twins and Benjamin and tried singing, the concert dissolved into more of a party. Ben was finally able to go off with his mother, Carson broke protocol and kept Charlie in his arms even as he served wine, and Elsie left Charlotte on her hip.

"I beg your pardon m'lord." Elsie interrupted. "But the dowager countess is leaving."

"Cookie!" Charlotte squeaked as soon as Lord Grantham had gone to say goodbye to his mother.

"Now lass that's not a bad idea." Elsie agreed.

"Mrs. Carson." Carson mumbled, rushing up very suddenly on his wife.

"Oh!"

"I'm sorry it's last minute but I have some things to attend to that I need two hands for. I hope you can take Charlie and…"

"Yes, it's fine love."

"I'm sorry." He said, discretely kissing her cheek, sure no one would notice.

"Cook-ie!" Charlie chimed when his father walked away.

"Well the two of you had the same idea, didn't you?" She laughed.

Elsie took the twins downstairs so they could have some of the cookies Mrs. Patmore had made for them. Because they were getting heavy after almost a full day of carrying them around, she put the twins down and took their hands, walking them down the stairs.

"Mummy was being silly earlier." She admitted as they entered the dark kitchen. "It's true you're getting bigger and Mummy's so proud of her lad and lass that –Ethel!" She gasped.

Ethel stood before her, in the dark hall, shaking and wrapped in a thin sweater. Elsie couldn't make her out very well in the dark; only able to see enough to know it was her.

"Ethel what on earth are you doing here?!" She continued.

Elsie thought it had been several months, perhaps even longer since she'd fired the young woman, she wasn't even sure now.

"Please Mrs. Carson. I had to come. I'm sorry to push in but I was sitting alone until I couldn't stand it anymore. You've got to help me."

The twins were confused by Ethel's presence. They didn't remember her from all those months before when she'd still worked there and were slightly afraid of her. They clung to their mother's hands and stood patiently at her sides.

"I haven't got to do anything. But what do you mean? Help with what? Is this about Major Bryant?"

Ethel nodded quickly and Elsie sighed angrily.

"I blame myself for not stepping in earlier, that I will admit. How long had it been going on?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Long enough to get me pregnant."


	19. November 1918, Part I

Ch 19 – November 1918, Part I: Some Surprising News

November 1918

It wasn't often that the whole house gathered together in the same room to hear Lord Grantham speak, or for any other purpose. Charlotte and the boys were a bit surprised when nanny brought them downstairs and they were each handed off to a parent. Ben made a beeline for Cora, Charlie took his waiting father's hand and Charlotte ran into her mother's arms.

Elsie put the girl on her hip and held her close as Robert began to address the household. Charlotte preferred her mother's arms to just about anywhere else on earth. Charlie, on the other hand, was proud. He felt big and responsible standing next to his father, waiting to hear the news. He stared up at him, admiring him from a distance. Carson was a formidable figure, even in the eyes of his children. Little Charlie had awe and respect for his dad that couldn't be measured by much else and Charlotte thought he could do anything in the world: anything at all.

The children listened carefully as Robert announced the war's ending, the three sort of understanding what that met. Truthfully because they were so small, all three of them had a level of confusion about the war's ending that their parents might find hilarious. They all understood that it met that the soldiers would leave the house. Ben wondered where they would go, and Charlotte thought it met Downton had won the war. Charlie understood that the country had won the war and thought that met they'd acquisitioned Germany as a part of their own nation. In short, none of the three truly got it, at least not as much as they wanted everyone to think they got it.

Elsie bowed her head as Lord Grantham led them into a moment of silence. It took Charlotte a moment to catch on to this but she closed her eyes tightly when she did. Mrs. Carson was overwhelmed. She'd been pregnant when it started, and never would've imagined that the war would last the first three years of her baby's life. Really it was four if you counted the pregnancy. The idea of it overwhelmed her, that her children hadn't existed before the war and that now they'd all enter a new world together. The idea struck Cora much the same way: her son did not exist before all of this. It would be strange to go back to some sense of normal with him there.

"Good bye my little love." Elsie kissed Charlotte's cheek when the household began to disperse.

"Mummy where you go?" Charlotte asked as her father took her hand.

"Yes, Elsie where are you going?" Carson raised an eyebrow.

"Mummy has to go out. She'll be back in a little bit. I love you." She kissed her son and her husband and waived goodbye, leaving her family standing by the stairs.

Carson huffed, he knew where she was going and did not approve.

…

Elsie filled a basket with food, contraband rather; part from Downton's kitchen and part from her own and made her bi-weekly bus trip. It was cold out now and she bundled up warm before her journey. Elsie climbed onboard the bus with her basket, and a tiny gift for baby Charlie Parks. It was nothing special, just something, her own Charlie had grown out of long ago now. She brought a bit of sewing with her: a beautiful velvet Christmas dress she was making for Charlotte. She would've brought a book, but wanted the time for her mind to wander, to sit and listen to her own thoughts.

As soon as the bus began to roll down the road, Elsie started to hear rumblings of illness. She paused, the word flu catching her ear. She and everyone at Downton had been hearing about this flu that had taken a foothold literally once the soldiers laid down their weapons. She had thought it was a sort of divine punishment for the destruction they'd all inflicted. She didn't dare say that to her husband. If you were to listen to him, he'd have you believing that not a single British soldier ever fired a shot.

She heard someone cough and suddenly she realized that she hadn't felt well lately either. She'd been too busy to pay much mind to it but she was tired. She'd even been close to throwing up quite a few times, but wasn't sure she had the flu. If she did, wouldn't she be laid up in bed by now, like everyone else who had it? Her heart skipped a beat and she wondered if she should even be going to see Ethel now. She needed the food, but surely, she wouldn't thank her for bringing illness into the house? Especially not with a baby. Elsie steadied herself deciding it was imperative that she go, but that she wouldn't stay long.

…

Carson stared down at his two small children, raising an eyebrow as they looked up ever so sweetly at him with innocent wide eyes. The two were upset their mother had left and were worried about where she'd gone. She'd done this once or twice a month, for almost a year now and this was the first time they'd noticed. Carson, however, had been well aware of his wife's feeding Ethel and her infant son and he was totally against it, especially now that it had left him all alone with his fussy children when he was supposed to be coordinating that night's dinner.

"Daddy hungey!" Charlotte hic-upped.

"Yeah sandwich."

"Sandwich, please." Carson corrected.

"Sandwich, peas." Charlie pouted.

Carson sighed. He was busy, but what in the world mattered more than this? He paused for a second, indecision playing across his face. He really should've surrendered them to nanny now but didn't have the heart.

"Here we go then." He smiled, lifting Charlotte into his arms and taking Charlie's hands.

He knew he'd made the right decision when Charlie started to jump up and down excitedly and Charlotte kissed his cheek. Their mother often took them alone for a few hours during the day but it wasn't nearly as often that they saw their Dad. For the twins, this was a welcome change.

"Daddy go pay outside Daddy!" Charlie met to say play. He pointed out to the snow covered lawn as they passed huge paned windows on the way downstairs.

"No my boy." He laughed. "It's far too cold. You might get sick."

…

Elsie smiled, jostling the baby in her arms as he cooed, happy to give the much younger, more burdened mother a rest. Seeing Ethel and her Charlie was always an opportunity for Elsie to realize just how blessed she was. Sure she worked hard, but she had a warm home, an incredible husband, and didn't have to worry about how she was going to feed her children.

Ethel folded towels, thanking her for coming in a tone that came across as begging and appreciative at the same time. She lamented about her worries and Elsie found herself not listening, and instead enjoying her time holding the little chap. The baby boy looked up at her with wide blue eyes, chewing on his own hand. Suddenly Elsie admitted to herself how bittersweet this was for her: she missed holding and cuddling with a baby, her body almost seeming to long, to care for a tiny person in this way again.

She'd tried her best to put it out of her mind after the twins started to get bigger, not even allowing herself to think about her almost desperate desire to mother someone small… Elsie sighed, trying again to put it out of her mind. She was too old to have another now, and aside from that, the twins had been miracles. She couldn't just _**have one**_...

Elsie listened as Ethel began to talk about the flu, warning her that she thought she might have caught it. She didn't know what she would do, she'd said, if either of them contracted it. Who would care for Charlie? Mrs. Carson found herself unable to focus on the younger woman's words, and her mind began to wander.

"Oooh." Baby Charlie cooed, tugging on Mrs. Carson's sleeve. He smiled beginning to slobber. Elsie jumped for a second, realizing she most assuredly did not have the flu.

…

Elsie headed back to the house, blithefully ignorant of all the drama going on upstairs, but little Benjamin Crawley was enthralled...or should we say, scared to death. Because Carson had taken the twins, Elsie had gone out, and they were celebrating the war's end, Cora had decided to give the overburdened nanny a much-needed day off. It turned out to be the worst possible day to have done that, as she had no idea what her youngest daughter and her secret beau had in store for them.

Benjamin found himself hiding under a settee, upon making the unpleasant discovery that Papa could **YELL**. He was distraught. His little heart raced because everyone was so upset, and moreover, he was devastated. His big sister, his favorite person in the entire world was just leaving him?!... _For Tom?_ Ha!

'The man who drives the car is more important than me?!' He wanted to scream.

But of course he didn't. The thought was very Mary and not at all Benjamin. Actually, Ben and the twins were quite close to Tom, something that Carson greatly disapproved of but Elsie and Cora encouraged. Ben always had a lot of fun with the young man who he loved like a big brother, but if he was going to take his very real big sister away he'd hate him forever.

He couldn't believe it and worse: he was crushed. The boy considered begging her to stay but was too hurt. Instead, he crawled out from under the settee, passing his mother and grandmother on his way out of the room. Cora usually would've noticed her son's absence even in such a trying time but was overwhelmed. Not only was she very distraught, but she felt a fever coming on, and found it took everything in her to think straight.

…..

"What are you doing here?!" Charlotte gasped as Ben wandered into the kitchen.

The twins were helping Mrs. Patmore make cookies. Being only three and a half, they were not exemplary bakers, but they were good for stirring the batter and pouring in the chocolate chips. Besides all that, they had fun and Mrs. Patmore enjoyed watching them.

"C-can I stay here for a while?" Ben asked.

"What's wrong?" Mrs. Patmore inquired, getting on her knees to see him.

He said nothing, allowing her to wipe his tears with her apron. Because he was such close friends with the twins, and Sybil was… _friendly_ with Branson, he knew everyone downstairs far better than he might otherwise and felt comfortable with them.

"It's alright." Mrs. Patmore soothed. "Why don't you bake with your friends?" She asked, helping him onto a chair next to Charlotte.

"What's going on?" Carson asked when he came into the room and saw that Benjamin was there, giggling and feeding his daughter cookie-dough. Much of it was on her nose. Charlotte giggled, then froze when she saw her father. Charlie, meanwhile, was trying to hide the fact that he'd consumed too much cookie-dough.

Carson was affronted at first, his blood beginning to boil within the first few seconds. Charlotte was much too young for…this, whatever it was, and he wanted, more than anything to protect her.

"Mr. Carson. I needed a place to go." He pouted, turning and addressing Carson as respectfully as he could.

Carson sighed, searching the little boy's sad, confused eyes. He still didn't like the relationship Ben had with his little girl, but he tried to keep in mind that like her, the boy was just a toddler and he was scared. Carson knew perfectly well what was going on upstairs and he did NOT approve. He calmly decided to sympathize with the young boy.

"Very well Master Crawley." He told the child. "You may stay and play."

The children cheered and thanked him, Carson slightly startled when he saw his little girl's eyes light up at his decision. He didn't want to admit that she was delighted, more so than Charlie.

"I promise you made the right decision." Mrs. Patmore whispered as she exited the room.

….

"What?" Elsie asked, looking back at him.

Several hours had passed and a lot had happened. In that time Benjamin had gone back upstairs, Elsie had come home and both Cora and Miss Swire had taken ill. It was late now, and the servant's dinner hour. Carson couldn't eat much, and was instead, staring at his wife as she ate noticing she was ravenous, almost like she had been when expecting the twins. He found this peculiar.

"N-nothing." He said. He might've said something. But they were with everyone, including the twins who sat in their highchairs between them, giggling at each other. They were nearly four and too big for the highchairs but Elsie kept them there, because for now they were also far too small for the regular chairs.

He looked over at Elsie, who smiled at him knowingly, almost flirtatiously out of the corner of her eye, but neglected to say anything.

…..

"Mr. Carson." Elsie announced.

After dinner they retreated to her sitting room with the twins to finish up some work before going home.

"Hmm?" He asked, sipping his cup of tea.

"I think I'm pregnant."

Carson began to choke and almost spit out part of the tea. "What?!" He yelled. "How?" He knew there was something but never would've suspected this.

"Don't ask me _how_. You know _**how**_!"

"Of course I know _how_ but I mean…"

The couple paused when they heard a little cough, immediately turning to Charlotte who was playing on the floor not too far from them.

"Oh, baby girl come to Mummy. Come to Mummy." Elsie soothed.

Elsie held out her arms for Charlotte and the tiny auburn haired girl obliged, hurrying into them. Carson watched attentively as she put their daughter on her lap and rested her face against the toddler's forehead and paused.

"Oh Charlie. She's warm. She's very warm." Elsie cried, biting her lip.

She'd been talking to his father and he knew that, but baby Charlie looked up from his place on the floor with his toy train, eyes wide and concerned for his sister. He too had heard rumblings of the flu. Like with the war, the twins had a limited understanding of what the illness was. He got to his feet and went to his mother's knees, looking on eagerly at his twin.

"H-how warm is very?" Carson asked, his concern piquing.

"Ummm… not normal warm not at all Charlie."

"But we've been so careful, she can't be…"

Carson swallowed hard. The children did spend a lot of time with Lady Grantham, and Lady Grantham was very ill.

"Let's not overreact. It could be…" Elsie stopped when Charlotte sneezed.

"Bless you." She cooed.

"Mummy." She coughed, enveloping her mother in a hug. Charlotte sighed, resting her head on her shoulder.

"Oh my sweetheart. It'll be alright." Elsie soothed.

Carson and his wife looked up at each other silently, both noting the other was nearly consumed with fear, and each noticing their daughter wasn't speaking or reacting as she usually would.

It had all come on very suddenly for Charlotte. One minute she'd been on the floor of her mother's sitting room with her toys and the next she'd been incredibly dizzy and then the coughing had started. Charlotte found herself drowsy and kind of confused, suddenly really wanting Mummy and nothing else.

"Charlotte okay?" Charlie asked, beginning to suck his thumb.

"Come on my little lad." Carson said, getting up and taking his son's hand. They had decided to separate the twins immediately should one of them become ill. "We're going to stay here for the night; won't that be fun? Let's go and have Mrs. Patmore get you ready for bed while Mummy settles Charlotte in."

"No Daddy, no!" He protested, beginning to cry as his father carried him out of the room. He turned around, trying to look back at his twin, his heart heavy because he knew he needed to stay with her.

…..

"What do you mean pregnant?" He asked once they got Charlotte and Charlie to sleep. Charlie was upstairs, but Charlotte had been left in the sitting room.

The little girl's fever had eased a bit and while they were doubtful, they both hoped she was already getting better. The two went back to work after the twins fell asleep each of them had much to do and had had an unusual day.

"What do women generally mean when they say pregnant?" She laughed as he followed her into his pantry.

He gulped, staring back at her for a moment as she reached up to grab something, quietly wondering if this could possibly be the case.

"Elsie I, are you sure?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know." She confessed. "I'm feeling very…well very pregnant." She admitted, smiling back at him.

He was shell-shocked and didn't say anything for a moment as she continued to smile. For some reason he'd never expected it would happen again after the twins.

"So you think… you might be."

"Yes." She smiled, kissing his cheek as she began to walk by him.

He grabbed her by the waist and held her back, encircling her with his arms. She giggled as he leaned his face into hers. They were concerned for their daughter, but couldn't help steal moment of happiness.

"Oh Mrs. Carson that's wonderful." He paused, searching her eyes, noticing them sparkle.

"Isn't it?" She laughed as he leaned his forehead against hers.

"It's amazing." He said.

The couple was about to kiss when they heard a coughing noise coming from down the hall just a bit. It was raspy and desperate, and most importantly, was obviously a child's cough.…


	20. November 1918, Part II

Ch 20- November 1918, Part II

The Next Night

"Good night Charlie, mummy's sweet boy." Elsie whispered, a tear trickling down her cheek and on to her son's head. She bit her lip, leaning over her son as she ran his fingers through his hair.

"Hmmm." He mumbled, settling down into the covers. "MamaIwannagohome." He said at once, jumbling his words together.

"I promise we will very soon my lad, but because sister isn't feeling well we'll stay here for the night… again."

Elsie had barely been off her feet since last night. The whole house was at a standstill: everyone was sick it seemed. Cora had fallen ill first, followed by Miss Swire, several of the maids, the nanny, Benjamin and finally, her own precious baby Charlotte.

"Hmmm." He mumbled. Elise smiled, running her fingers through the boy's auburn-red hair as she kissed his cheek.

"Good night baby boy. Thank the Lord you are well. Mummy will see you in the morning."

Elsie shut her sleepy toddler son in Mrs. Patmore's room, knowing that she'd soon be there to look after him. He was sleeping with her while his sister was sick. Elsie didn't want him around his sister or his friend...or anyone else who was ill. Somehow, he was well and she wanted to keep it that way. The cook was also somewhat isolated: the last thing anyone wanted after all was a sick cook. Charlotte was hulled up and deathly ill in the family's Downton quarters (Elsie's old room).

'Don't think that way lass.' She whispered to herself as she walked down the hall, wiping her eyes dry of the tears that kept pooling in them.

Elsie couldn't help but repeatedly think that if Charlotte had to die, she had to do everything she could to hold on to Charlie and shelter him from becoming sick. And then there was the new baby to consider… Elsie had been so busy over the last day she hadn't even considered the unborn she and Charlie were only speculating about. Still, Elsie felt badly that she hadn't done much to consider what the baby might need in the past few days, but was happy that he or she was nestled deep inside her and at least, safe from the flu.

Elsie cringed, hearing Charlotte's frantic sobs grow louder with each step she made toward their room, her cries punctuated by tiny but forceful coughs. She could barely stand to hear it. It ripped her heart out and scared her so badly she felt like she was going to be sick. She paused, covering her mouth as she started to cry, unable to hear her baby in such pain.

"Please not my baby Charlotte, please God." She'd whispered a prayer. It was only the millionth she'd whispered that day. She'd prayed so much in the last day or so she didn't know if she'd ever prayed that much in her life: not at one time.

Elsie was overburdened, exhausted, and scared. She wiped her eyes one last time, taking a deep breath as she clutched doorway of their room, making herself known to her husband.

"Shuuu Charlotte, Daddy's here and he's got you!" Carson soothed, rocking the desperately ill but barely present toddler who cried hysterically into his arms. "Shhuu Charlotte Elspeth it's going to be alright." He whispered. "It's alright."

Carson looked up at his wife, tears in his own eyes as he held their firstborn close. Charlotte continued sobbing and thrashing in his arms, ignoring her father's gentle pleas for her to stop crying. Both knew it was because she was scared, and delirious, barely even present with them, the idea terrified them both.

"No it's not time to cry, no, no, you're going to be just fine." He soothed. "You're going to be just fine." He promised, swallowing nervously as he looked straight into Elsie's eyes.

Elsie stood in the doorway, clutching it as she watched her husband try to comfort their miserable little girl. She looked away when he said this, not wanting him to have to make that promise to her.

"Charlotte Elspeth Carson, my miracle of a little girl, everything will be just fine." He whispered. "Daddy's got you."

Elsie's breath caught in her throat when she heard the desperation in her husband's voice. She knew he was worried, but was he really as worried as she? She wished fear was what she'd felt in that moment. There'd be some hope in the idea that she was fearful. All she felt now was dread. Charlotte moaned and started to cry once again when he said this. Elsie finally mustered the courage to reenter the room, where she'd been for most of the last day. She soaked a cloth in a bowl of cold water they kept by the bed and put it on the girl's forehead, knowing nothing would ever improve if they didn't break her fever.

"Charlotte, Mummy's here." She whispered, obviously crying now. "Mummy's here and she's going to help make everything all better my love."

The girl moaned and quit her thrashing and crying. Carson and Elsie paused, wondering what this met and then after a second or so, Charlotte began to shiver.

…..

"I want him taken out of here." Lord Grantham assessed.

O'Brien was listening from her place next to Cora. She held a damp cloth over the gravely ill Lady's head, watching as she moaned and tossed. The little boy lay next to her, sound asleep and in much better physical condition than her. O'Brien understood instantly why his father didn't want him there. Mother and son had started out in the same bed together, simply not feeling well but while Cora had gotten significantly worse, Ben's illness seemed to have plateaued.

"But Papa where do you want us to put him?" Sybil asked.

She'd postponed leaving with Tom until everyone had recovered from the flu and had resumed her work as a nurse in the house while everyone was ill. Tension over her decision would still be high if they weren't in such a dire situation.

Ben was half-conscious but enjoyed hearing his sister's voice, knowing somehow that soon the sound would only be a memory. Cora felt much the same way but was too ill to even think about it. She tried her best to reach out and take O'Brian's hand but found she lacked the strength to do even that.

Robert paused, staring back at his wife, shame piercing his heart. It'd just been last night that he'd kissed Jane, the maid. And now his wife and son lay before him, deathly ill. He felt somehow that his sin had brought this on his son in particular, as he'd fallen ill just minutes after the kiss having shown no signs of sickness before that. Lord Grantham felt unspeakably guilty about the whole thing and was panicked deep inside.

"Put him in my dressing room. He's ill but he'll sleep with me. I will care for him."

"You?" Mary asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Me."

…..

After the shaking had stopped, Charlotte became catatonic. They knew she'd been out of it, but her current state came on suddenly. The crying stopped and was replaced by moaning and coughing. The sudden transition alarmed Elsie so soundly she burst into uncontrollable sobs. Her husband sat by her side, rubbing her back for a moment before leaving to find Dr. Clarkson. She hadn't wanted to be left alone with the child in her state but he had convinced her he needed to go and find the doctor right away.

Elsie sat alone by her child's bedside crying hysterically, wondering if she was half dead. This was a nightmare for them both: to watch their happy, energetic little girl deteriorate so rapidly. Elsie would never have words to describe the sheer panic she felt in those moments. All she knew was that she couldn't bear to loose the tiny, precious child she loved so much. She didn't know what she'd do if she did. It was a deep attachment: mother and daughter adored each other in a way they adored no one else. She didn't favor her daughter over her son by any means, but she and Charlotte were connected at the soul.

"Mummy loves you so much Charlotte, more than the whole world." She sobbed, running her fingers through the child's sweat soaked hair. "Please be strong my lass you're such a brave strong girl!"

She wanted to take in every moment she could with her little one in case it was the end. The whole thing reminded her of how she'd felt when Charlotte was born a month earlier than she was supposed to have been and Elsie spent her labor assuming she'd bare a stillborn child, not too healthy twin babies. Charlotte was quite alive even now and while the though should've encouraged Elsie it really just broke her heart more.

"Mummy waited so long to have you, to hold you, to love you, my little lass." She sobbed. "She's here with you." Elsie's voice cracked. "She loves you, loves you, loves you more than she can even say and has the most perfect little dreams for you: for a life that's happy and well-lived." Elsie paused, her own words causing her to cry harder.

'She struggles because she's strong.' Charlie had reminded before he went downstairs. She hoped it was true.

"Oh my Charlotte. I pray all the strength in the world come down on your little body to help you fight. I know your soul doesn't need it."

Charlotte went into another coughing fit and began to moan in that moment.

"Come on lass, stay with me, stay with mummy's voice, come on my sweet girl, please, please stay with me my baby."

…

By the time the next morning rolled around, things had changed drastically. Charlotte was alive, but still very ill. Clarkson had come to see the child and told her parents she would likely survive…if she made it though the night. That comment, no doubt, had caused Elsie to become completely hysterical. After that, her husband admitted he did not feel well either. In the middle of the night, Charlotte's fever broke and Carson admitted he didn't feel well either. Elsie tucked him in bed alongside their exhausted, but now sleeping little girl and cared for him the remainder of the night, sleeping in a chair next to the bed.

Nine o'clock the next morning rolled around quickly. Elsie found she was exhausted and realized she hadn't truly slept in days. Nonetheless, with a house full of sickness, and her being one of the few well people, there was a lot she had to do. After settling her daughter and husband in bed she went downstairs to the kitchen where she saw her little boy playing on the floor with his toys.

She greeted him good morning, kissing the top of his head and trying not to touch him too much incase she might infect him. She watched her boy over his breakfast, so happy to see her child well and out of harms way that she could sob as she had for Charlotte the previous night. He was a bit afraid about his sister but told him everything would be alright before she left him and made her way toward the stairs. She stopped when she felt a tiny hand tug on the hem of her skirt.

"Oh? What are you doing there my little lad?" She asked, smiling kindly at her son. Charlie sucked his thumb, staring back wide-eyed and silent at his mother.

"Stay with you Mummy!" He cried. She sighed and got on her knees.

"My love I wish you could but…"

"Mama I help!" He insisted.

Elsie paused. She hated the idea of taking him all over the house with her when he could so easily get sick. At the same time, there was illness downstairs too and isolation hadn't kept Charlotte well, why should she expect it alone to keep Charlie out of harms way? Especially when he wasn't that well isolated.

Elsie understood that her boy was afraid and truthfully, so was she. Her husband and baby daughter had just come down with a serious illness that people all around them (perhaps even members of that household) were dying of. She couldn't bare the thought of loosing them, and even now, as she rushed about the house tending to everything imaginable and making up for the lack of staff, she was consumed with worry over them and guilt for not being their sole caregiver during this time: what kind of wife and mother did that make her? Elsie had considered what she might think, feel or do if they were to both succumb to the illness. It would leave her and her baby son all alone in the world. Elsie knew she'd never be alright again after such a tragedy, but that her boy would be her hope and somehow; they'd hold on together.

"Mummy?" He asked suddenly when she hadn't answered him. She jumped, looking back into his deep blue eyes. "Mama I go with you, I help!" He hiccupped.

"Charlie." She said, tucking his hair behind his ear. "I thought it best for you to stay here with Daisy."

"Mummy I be real good, pleeeeease!"

Elsie sighed. "Sweetheart, Mummy's trying to keep you safe."

He tilted his head, giving his mother a questioning gaze.

"I don't want you to get sick my sweet boy."

"I won't!" He promised. Elsie giggled.

"My child that's not something you can control." She whispered.

"Mama what about you?"

She paused. She hadn't thought too much of herself in the past few days, even though she knew she had reason to. Mostly, she'd been busy and scared to death about Charlotte. She almost didn't care if she got sick.

"Alright, but don't touch anything and if someone coughs you burry your mouth and nose in Mummy's skirt, do you understand?"

The little auburn haired boy nodded quickly. He took the back of his mother's skirt, following at a pace that was too fast for him as they went up the stairs. He didn't really understand what was going on but knew that his sister, father and nanny were ill and so were Benjamin and his Mummy. Charlie quietly wondered how it was that he and his mother had been spared. The small boy had no understanding of how that worked.

As they walked up the stairs, Charlie thought carefully about his mother's behavior over the past few days when his sister had been very sick. Elsie had no clue her son had overheard her crying by his twin sister's bedside. He didn't understand how burdened his mother was, that his sister could die, or that she thought there was a small possibility he was going to have a baby brother or sister soon.

Elsie really did think she was pregnant. She was tired and had not had the freedom to confirm it with Dr. Clarkson yet as both of them were far too busy. She felt though, that she didn't need to confirm it. She remembered every bit of what it felt like to be expecting and knew it couldn't be mistaken for anything else.

Charlie followed his mother around faithfully for the next hour or so, doing everything she asked. The house was so short-staffed now from everyone being ill that nearly everyone was chipping in to help. This included Charlie who was presently carrying around bed linens for Thomas who was busy making up a bed for Sir Richard.

"Mama, I got them!" He said excitedly, tugging on his mother's skirt again.

He sneezed and Elsie instinctively got on her knees, placing both hands on either side of his cheeks. She almost cried out, feeling that he was cold, clammy and burning up all at once.

"Bless me." He sniffled.

Elsie paused, her breath caught in her throat. She gulped, her heart plummeting when he said this.

"Yes my baby, bless you."

…

"Daddy. Daddy you okay?" Charlotte asked. "Daddy?"

Hours had passed since Dr. Clarkson had told the Carsons their daughter would live if she made it through the night. And he'd been right. Charlotte woke suddenly after many hours of sleep. She sat up in bed, a little overwhelmed to be alert again all of a sudden. Charlotte felt awful but could feel that her fever had broken and that she had her wits about her again. After a moment she noticed her father laying next to her and remembered that he'd fallen ill as well.

"Daddy?" She asked again. Although little, she was aware he should be answering her. "Daddy." She started to panic.

Charlotte tried to shake him awake. Being so tiny she couldn't make him budge. She started crawling all over her father trying to wake him. He was groggy and hardly conscious, ignoring the tiny girl every noise she made. He was close to being in the state she'd been the night before, only being so much larger, the illness wasn't taking the toll on him that it had on her, Ben or Cora. He would be fine but was for the time, out of it. Charlotte didn't understand that.

"Daddy?" She asked, getting frightened now. She remembered how bad off she'd been and understood, perhaps even felt that she'd been close to death. Recognizing her father was in a similar place and she was all-alone with him Charlotte started to cry.

…

Elsie was exhausted and disheartened. Her little boy had fallen ill now too. Charlotte was a bit better off, but nonetheless her whole family was in danger now and she was more distraught than ever. How could she survive without all of them? Without her wonderful husband and beautiful children.

Elsie tried, for the moment to put the worry out of her mind. It had been a long, trying day, emotionally, physically… in every way imaginable. Her family was fast asleep upstairs and not anywhere near as bad off as Cora who was worse off than she'd ever been and at death's door. In addition to being devastated about her husband and children she was upset about her friend and employer. She'd spent time that day holding Benjamin Crawley. His mother and nanny were both too sick to care for them and the boy was distraught about their condition, as well as the condition of his friends. Elsie and Ben had found they comforted each other in that time: she reminded him of his mother, he reminded her of her twins.

She sighed, taking a seat in the kitchen and resting her head in her hands. She had waited on every one in the house that day it seemed, and for days on end in fact. She didn't understand how she wasn't ill herself. She'd barely slept and while she was exhausted, she didn't have the heart to sleep: she was far too upset.

Beryl and Daisy were in the kitchen with her and felt similarly. They worried for the ill and wondered why they weren't among them. Beryl had said that someone had needed to be spared to care for the ill and it was only natural it be them, the people who did most of the caring in that house.

Beryl was about ready to serve dinner; they were just waiting on Thomas. He'd been on his feet for days on end as well. Elsie was surprised but grateful for his willingness to step in during this time, when he didn't even work there. Of course she knew he was just trying to wheedle his way back in…but he'd been so nice to her and Charlie when he fell ill. She panicked inside when her little boy started to cough. Thomas had noticed and swopped in to comfort them both. Elsie thought perhaps his character was changing. It was not, but as she would discover over the next several years he cared deeply for children.

Mrs. Patmore watched Elsie as she sighed, keeping her head in her hand. She was about to suggest that she rest when she saw Elsie grimace a little.

"Oooh."

"What is it?" Beryl asked.

"Ooooh. Nothing it's just… it's just a little pain. Oh!"

Concerned, Beryl furrowed her brow. Wiping her hands on a dishtowel she took a few steps closer to her friend.

"Ooooh!" Elsie cried, feeling the pain grow sharper now. She sat up, feeling something wasn't quite right.

Beryl thought Elsie was just getting the flu and was floored when her friend shakily pulled up her skirt, just as Daisy walked into the room. Both women watched their friend, floored for a moment. Elsie pulled her skirt up to see a little bit of blood soaking her underwear and skirt.

"Ahhh!" Elsie started to cry.

"What in the…" It would take another beat for Beryl to put it all together. Daisy hated this kind of thing and started shaking.

"Beryl, I'm pregnant!" She moaned, clutching her midsection, as the pain grew even sharper. Elsie looked down in shock. She hadn't been totally sure; this was a horrible way to get the news.

"Daisy, go get Dr. Clarkson!" Mrs. Patmore cried, rushing to Elsie's side.

"But he's with…"

"NOW!"

Shaking, Daisy ran up the stairs. Beryl turned back to her friend and sat next to her, taking her in her arms as she cried.

"Shu sweetheart it's going to be fine." She whispered. "It's going to be alright. I've got ya it's going to be fine."

The two watched, fearful as the blood quickly grew from a big spot and began to soak through her underwear and dress. Elsie started sobbing when she saw the clots of blood, unable to deny what was happening now. Beryl noticed too and held her tight.

"My baby, my baby, my baby. My poor wee babe!" Elsie cried, completely panicked now. Here she was, at risk for loosing her whole family, and here she was, loosing the one child she thought had been safe inside her. "Charlie, I want Charlie!" She begged. "Please I need my husband, I want my Charlie!" She bawled as Beryl rocked her.

…

Twelve weeks. He'd said. It's not your fault. He'd said. Of course it was her fault. The next night came quickly, like each passing night before it. It'd been another day of hell, except now Elsie was crushed, bleeding and in pain. She'd lost her third child at twelve weeks. She'd had no choice but to work the next day, while still bleeding and in horrible pain. Carson was too ill to console his wife, and Elsie had made Dr. Clarkson, Beryl and Daisy swear to never tell anyone about her miscarriage. She would not tell Charlie. Not then. Not soon. The only consolation had been that her precious Charlotte, the first in their family to fall ill, was mostly well again and had been able to get out of bed and be with her mother.

"Ben." The little girl mumbled sadly.

Despite her physical pain, Elsie was holding Charlotte in her arms. The two were in the kitchen alone together.

"Oh my baby lass its alright." Elsie soothed, kissing her cheek.

"Charlie." She cried for her twin.

"It's alright my baby." She kept reassuring the child. But she didn't know if she was reassuring her or herself.

"He okay?" Charlotte whispered, afraid to ask.

"He's very sick, just like you were." Ben had taken a turn for the worst that day.

"And I okay."

"Yes you are my love." Elsie almost laughed.

She was worried about her husband, her son, and Cora and everyone else who was ill, and of course devastated about the baby she'd just lost. But she was so thankful that her baby girl had made it through she couldn't even convey it. Charlotte was still a tiny bit feverish but Dr. Clarkson had said she was out of the worst of it and was going to be just fine. Elsie could never recall being so thankful for anything in all her life. She cried softly as she rocked Charlotte in her arms, relieved she wouldn't be loosing her firstborn.

"Why no go home?" Charlotte asked.

Charlotte, who'd been born in the abbey, considered the place her home. It was after all, where she'd spent most of her time. Still, she missed the small cottage she shared with her parents and brother, understanding it was _their_ real home, and longed to be there with her toys, her mother's garden, and so many other things that were well all theirs. She couldn't understand why they'd not been home in many days.

"Because your Daddy and brother are still sick. And when you were sick Mummy needed a lot of help taking care of you, and was helping to take care of other people and so we've had to stay here my love."

Carson and the twins had been sleeping in her old room and since she was not ill, Elsie had been drifting back and forth between a chair next to his bed and her sitting room. Needless to say she'd not gotten a good night's sleep in nearly a week and was exhausted. The pain from the miscarriage was worse than she could've imagined and she was badly in need of rest.

"Oh." Charlotte understood.

"How are you feeling my sweetheart?"

"Good."

"Good." Elsie cried, hugging her tight. "Do you miss nanny and Benjamin?"

"Yes. Mummy." She whispered, grabbing her mother's cheeks and forcing her to look down at her. Elsie smiled deeply, pressing her forehead against the child's.

"What?" She asked.

"Mummy." Charlotte continued to whisper. "I like that it was just you and me Mummy, for a while."

"Mummy loves that too." She rubbed her nose against the child's.

Charlotte recalled a lot of her mother's crying and fear from when she'd been very ill. It'd been emotion that Elsie had been completely unable to control, and that she also thought the catatonic child could not hear. Charlotte came away from the experience unafraid and understanding how deeply she was loved.

"Mummy why you cry?"

"Oh sweetheart, it's because she loves you so much." She explained, kissing her baby's forehead. It was only one of the reasons.

"Mama love you!" The little girl's words melted her heart and made her feel better… a little.

"Oh sweet one I love you too. I love you more than you could ever understand."

"Charlie." She yawned.

"I know you miss your brother…."

"The mostest."

The twins had been ill in bed together with their father but had not spent real time together in days. They missed each other.

"He'll be alright, Mummy needs him to be."

Elsie continued to cry as she kissed Charlotte's forehead, rocking her on her hip as they walked about Downton's kitchen. She couldn't bare the thought of loosing her little boy, especially after having lost her baby just hours before. It was something that she wasn't sure she could ever tell anyone about, even her husband. Charlotte closed her eyes and laid her head against her mother's shoulder.

"No matter what happens you and I will have each other lass." She whispered to the three-year-old, wanting her to understand now, incase something did happen to Carson and baby Charlie. Charlotte nodded against her mother's shoulder and hugged her tight.

"Mrs. Carson." Came a voice. Elsie looked up to see Lord Grantham coming down the back stairs, panic in his voice.

"M'lord? How can I help?"

The Lord starred back at his housekeeper for a moment, tears in his eyes. The house was filled with so much sorrow and he couldn't bare it. His own heart was burdened with the grave illnesses of his wife and precious son, but he knew Mrs. Carson's whole family was very ill, in danger of dying and he also knew something he shouldn't, something he swore he'd take to the grave because it wasn't his place to know: that earlier just the night before, in the midst of this hell, she'd lost the child she'd been expecting. He hurt for her and couldn't imagine being in her shoes, afraid that she might loose all her children in one week, children she'd worked harder than most women to have. He hated coming to her in this moment but he felt he had no choice.

"M-Mrs. Carson, I need you to place a call. There's been…there's been a death upstairs."


	21. Thanksgiving, Part I

Ch 21- Thanksgiving, Part I

Two Weeks Later- Late November 1918

The flu seemed to go away as mysteriously as it came, leaving the house battle-scarred but standing firm. Carson had said he was amazed and thankful the house had only suffered one casualty, Matthew Crawley's young fiancé, Miss Swire. Elsie held her tongue when he said this not wanting to confess that there'd been a second, but far less noticeable casualty: their own unborn child. Elsie was heartbroken about the baby and even two weeks later, she still had not told her husband the horrible thing that had happened to her when he was ill.

She scarcely believed it had happened at all, how could it have? But the whole thing became very real again each time she entered Downton's kitchen. The shock, the immense physical pain, the instant pressing grief, and all that blood… parts of her child. It washed over her in an all-consuming way several times a day. It hurt so much her heart could barley take it, and for a while it had caused great contention between her and Beryl who felt she needed to tell Charlie the whole truth as soon as possible. She would, she promised, when she was ready. Elsie tried her best to shake off her pain and decided she didn't want the loss of the unborn child to be an emotional burden for her husband as it was for her. She would tell him when the time was right. But for now she'd be elusive on the subject.

She was devastated and felt overwrought with grief as the whole household walked a long procession back from the churchyard to Downton. Elsie held Charlotte close on her hip and both she and Carson held one of Charlie's hands as he walked. Miss Swire's funeral was clearly a somber occasion but the little boy kept picking up his feet off the ground and hanging from his parent's hands, swinging from their grasp. The two knew better than to let him play at a funeral, but couldn't help but let him swing from their arms. They were so grateful for all they had and wanted their boy to be happy.

Elsie smiled bittersweetly at her son as he giggled, seeing her husband gaze at her lovingly out of the corner of her eye. She looked away. She couldn't look him in the eye, especially not now. The funeral had been difficult to for her to sit through. It made her think about how her baby had been alive and how it had also died, but that would go unacknowledged. The missing Carson child was non-existent to everyone else but to her it was just that: missing, a casualty, someone to be equally grieved. Elsie was too hurt to look into her husband's eyes. The love in his reminded her of the child she'd lost and she feared that when he looked in her eyes he'd see the emptiness in them and understand her pain in a single heartbeat.

Elsie had tried her best over the last few weeks to focus on the fact that she still had her wonderful husband and beautiful, healthy children. She had even spent the last couple of weeks since the twins' recovery, spoiling them as much as she could get away with predominantly keeping them with her instead of sending them to nanny (which had caused a huge problem for the now superbly lonely Benjamin Crawley). She spoiled them endlessly, letting them have whatever they wanted, and spent every waking second she could playing with them. But whatever she did, it didn't fill the whole in her heart or keep her eyes from brimming with tears.

Carson was a bit concerned about his wife's behavior toward the twins but supposed he'd been giving them special treatment after the illness as well. He was very hurt though, about her newfound distance toward him. She wouldn't make love to him, talk to him much or look at him intently and he didn't understand it. He didn't put together that any of her behavior had to do with the baby she'd apparently been expecting. He had, however, made at least half a dozen attempts to inquire about the state of their littlest one: how she was feeling, when it would arrive and so forth. Every time he tried to ask she dodged him or they were interrupted. After a while, he started to wonder if perhaps she'd just been mistaken about being pregnant and was hurt about it. But he was skeptical on that front.

Carson stared at his wife as they walked, their little boy weighing down on both of their arms. She stared straight ahead, a single tear running down her cheek. He studied her intently and had been for several days, trying to figure out what was wrong. She looked different to him in a way he couldn't name. She'd also looked different on the day she'd told him about the baby: radiant, glowing. He'd had no doubt about the child because seen it in her eyes and in her curves and even her smile. It'd been precious to him and the idea that somehow they weren't having a baby after all broke his heart. All of it was gone though. He couldn't see it in her, now, for example. All he saw was heartache.

….

"I think it's a ridiculous idea." Mary shrugged, sipping her tea.

"Mary I'm surprised at you!" Cora cried. "It's about being grateful and we have much to be grateful for!"

"Your mother is right." Lord Grantham sighed. He was upset about his daughter having left with Tom; but didn't feel ungrateful in the least. His wife and son had lived, and by all accounts things had turned out as well as they reasonably could have. If nothing else, he was glad that everyone was alive and well.

Cora was disgusted with her daughter. She took Ben and pulled him in closer on her lap.

"Mama I want to celebrate Thanksgivings…. what's Thanksgivings?" He asked, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

The boy was a bit feverish still, but would be just fine.

"It's a holiday in America." Cora giggled, kissing his forehead. "Where we have a dinner, and give other people dinner to celebrate that we're thankful for things." She smiled at her son as he clapped, understanding that he had a giving spirit.

"I don't see what's wrong with that. We do have a lot to be grateful for." Edith shrugged with a smile.

"You Americans." Mary rolled her eyes as she got up.

She went out into the hall, running into Carson on her way up the stairs.

"Good evening m'lady." He said.

"Oh Carson, you're just who I wanted speak to!"

"Oh? What about m'lady?"

"Well it's Sir Richard's idea really. He should be the one to ask you, but I just couldn't help but do it first. We'd like for you to come work for us of course, as our butler at Haxby."

"Oh…that is a generous offer my lady. I am quite flattered, but Mrs. Carson and I…"

"Oh please consider it! Say you'll think about it! It'd be a substantial raise of course! Well I'll say good night, please let me know."

"Thank you m'lady I will."

The two parted and Carson went down the stairs, feeling burdened by Mary's request. At first he told himself that the answer was absolutely no. Downton was still his home in many ways. He'd been there since he was a boy. He owed his life and allegiance to the place and to Lord Grantham. Moreover he loved Downton. He had many happy memories there over the years. It was where he'd met his beautiful wife and spent his life with her. Besides, he couldn't just leave Elsie and the twins there in the day. When would they ever see each other? But he couldn't help but consider that he had two growing children, (he wanted to have a third before it was too late to have one, although he hadn't mentioned that to Elsie yet) and he knew he could use the money.

…

"A Thanksgiving supper?" Elsie asked looking at the menu, shaking her head.

"However will we manage it?" Beryl inquired.

"I think it'll be nice!" Elsie added.

While upset about her baby, she was feeling extra grateful about her husband and children and wouldn't mind a whole dinner to celebrate it. She thought it might make her feel better. Cora had brought Mrs. Patmore a Thanksgiving menu earlier in the day. The turkey was simple, but some of the rest of it was American food she was not so used to and the cook found herself somewhat apprehensive.

"I think it will too." Carson smiled, coming in the room.

His wife smiled, turning around to face him. His heart leapt at her brief acknowledgement and he hoped she was ready to forgive him for whatever it was he hadn't realized he'd done.

"That's easy for you to say." Beryl added. "You don't have to be the one to cook it then now do you?"

"Charles, Charlotte, what may I ask are you doing?"

The twins stopped looking up at their father wide-eyed from their place on the floor. Mrs. Patmore had given them a bunch of pots, pans and utensils to play with and even though it was late they were busy banging the spoons on the pots laughing hard at all the noise they made, noise that hadn't bothered their mother and godmother. The twins were overtired and as a result a bit hyper.

"They're just playing with the sounds Daddy that's all." Elsie giggled.

"I see." He said sternly, pretending to disapprove. "Mrs. Carson. I have something….a few things we need to discuss."

"Alright. Beryl?"

"I've got em' play on you two!" She encouraged the twins as they started to play the pots and pans again. "Do either of you know how to make stuffing?"

Elsie giggled as she shut the sitting room door behind her. "They're so preci…" She stopped when, after just seconds her husband's lips were on her. She melted into the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulled him in close.

"Well, you're not usually so passionate…not at Downton."

"Well my Mrs. Hughes, we have lots of reasons to celebrate."

"I suppose we do." She bit her lip.

"Sherry?"

"Yes please. Do you have some news?"

"Yes…I'm unsure I'd call it news. I've yet to accept, you're the deciding factor after all. That and I have another matter to discuss with you about something you said to me a few weeks ago."

"Oh." Her heart started to pound. "How about the news first."

"Very well. As you know; Lady Mary is set to marry Sir Richard, they plan on moving to Haxby a house not too far from here, it's just a short drive." He sighed. "She wants me to be their butler."

He stopped when he saw Elsie's eyes widen in horror.

"B-but how… Downton is your home, Charlie the babies and I are here would we go with you…" She had not expected this and her heart began to thud faster. She took the sherry and drank the whole glass down quickly as he took a seat across from her, almost sitting on his son's abandoned teddy bear in the process. He laughed, taking the bear in his hands before he sat down.

"I'm asking you because you are my wife." He smiled. "And I won't make any decision without your input. And I do love Downton, it's my third home…"

"Your third?"

"My third. The second being our cottage, the first being you: wherever you and I are together is my home."

"Oh Charlie." She paused, tears in her eyes.

"But Haxby would be so much more money, I'd never consider it if it weren't for that. We do have Becky lass to take care of, and ourselves and two wonderful children who are getting bigger and bigger all the time. Money isn't the world to me but we could do with some more of it."

"I suppose." She didn't seem convinced.

"I'd like to add on to the cottage a little… have another little room tacked on downstairs maybe."

"Oh?"

"It's wonderful but kind of cramped for three children, isn't it?" He inquired, her heart stopped with a thud then resumed pounding for a moment. She didn't know what to say and luckily, Charlotte saved her by beginning to cry.

…

"I wish you'd talk to me." Carson said.

"Mama." Charlie whispered.

"Shuu we'll be home in a few moments lad."

Carson and Elsie each carried a twin as they walked back to the house and Carson found she would speak to their son and not to him.

"I never said I'd take it." He defended.

"No but you did celebrate it." She reminded once they got in the door.

"It's money we need. I don't want to go but…"

"Money isn't everything." She reminded, carrying their son upstairs as he yawned. Charlotte was already fast asleep on her father's shoulder and snoring.

"No it certainly isn't."

"Mummy tired." Charlie whined.

"Shhhuu my sweet boy it's late but its time to go to sleep." She kissed him.

"I'm just trying to do what I think is best." Carson sighed, following her out of the twins' room when she shut the door.

"What's best is splitting up your family? This is about Lady Mary, not the money." She accused as he followed her downstairs.

'No! No. It's about providing for you that's all. Believe me I want to be with you everyday over everything but…Elsie three dependents."

Her breath caught in her throat when she heard the number three from him again. Then she realized he was of course referring to Becky. Even so, it was too soon after her miscarriage for her to really think about how, for a few days, they had had three children, maybe even four, and he kept reminding her of it without knowing.

She found herself practically fixated on the miscarriage. It had taken her a while but she was beginning to realize how deeply hurt she was by the loss of her unborn baby. She'd been anxious for another child before this had happened and soon, she'd start to ache for the one she lost. After a while she would come to understand a small chunk of her was gone too, off somewhere with the unnamed baby who was, in her mind, simply missing. Earlier that day she'd realized that while she was profoundly thankful for what she still had, she felt emptier than ever before. Back before she had the twins she'd longed to have a child. She'd thought her barrenness had hurt. But now that she'd lost a baby, she thought she'd finally understood what pain was.

Determined to move on she kept the twins with her following the miscarriage and their recovery from the flu. She tried to enjoy her time with them, and to some degree she did. But now when she looked at her family she couldn't help but note that it seemed like someone wasn't there.

"That's right. Three dependents." She said pointedly. She turned from him and hurriedly went up the stairs. She shut the door behind her hard, signifying she didn't want him to follow.

Carson sighed, his heart heavy because he'd upset her. He built a fire to warm the house and went to work making tea, hoping it might make it better…whatever it was he'd done.

…

Three Days Later

Beryl paused, drying her hands on her apron as she looked over at her friend. Elsie sat at the table staring at the menu Cora had given her that morning. It was obvious to the cook though, that Elsie was upset and only pretending to focus on it. "Are you alright?" She whispered. "I don't suppose you are."

Elsie looked up, tears in her eyes. "Right here." She said. "I was sitting right here, just like any other day."

"Oh sweetheart I know."

"If I couldn't keep him why did I have to get pregnant at all? At my age and with my history?"

"M-maybe it had a purpose?"

"A purpose. What purpose? To make his mother suffer when she was aching for one last chance at a wee one before she was too old."

"Y-you were?"

Elsie nodded tearfully. "Shhuuu Mr. Carson might hear."

"You still haven't told him?"

Elsie sighed. "I don't want to upset him when he's so happy and during the holidays and I don't want him to hear us talking about babies." She paused. "He thinks now's the time we should be… _trying_." She emphasized. "And I'm in no physical condition for it."

"You're not still bleeding?"

Elsie nodded, pausing for a moment before continuing. "There were- there were several sets of twins in my mother's family and I read somewhere, a long time ago, when Mr. Carson and I were first trying to have a baby that that made me an excellent candidate for having twins myself and we both know that's obviously true."

"Oh!" She smiled. "So that's why you made two blankets then."

"Mr. Carson thinks I knew something I didn't… it was a guess. A very good one …. And Mrs. Patmore I think this time… this time I may've lost two not one. It would explain, …" She paused unable to continue. If she'd lost twins it would explain why the miscarriage had taken so long. Elsie wiped her tears and continued. "And now I look at my twins… and knowing what I've lost… it makes it so much more real to me so much more painful. And with him wanting…"

"Were you trying for this baby?"

Elsie paused, drying her tears. She felt like she had to work hard at dodging her husband's advances and felt bad about that. There was a part of her that wanted him just as much as he desired her, but she'd not healed yet physically and was emotionally crushed.

"We'd considered trying. It's no secret that I'm getting too old, if I'm not already. But what Charlie forgot is that he has a wife who can only get pregnant on a complete fluke. We tried for so long before the twins… and then this one I… I told him I thought I might be pregnant just before it happened. And now I'm not sure what he's thinking. Some days I think perhaps he knows what has happened. Others I assume he thinks I was mistaken and yet others I get the feeling he thinks I am pregnant. I don't know… but he seems to want to try and to be honest I never want to have sex again." She said bluntly. Beryl was surprised for a moment.

"He's your lovely husband of over twenty years. Ya can't say that."

"I love him in every way a wife could love a man but I'm a mother too and I'm heart broken. This is so painful and my fault."

"Your fault?"

"It's my age. I couldn't carry him or them… it must be why my…" She stopped suddenly, her hand pressed hard against her empty womb. "It must be why my baby died I was too told to carry him."

Mrs. Patmore shook her head no and took her hands. "You've got two wonderful, living children. You were working yarself to the bone trying to make sure they and your sweet husband, and everyone in this house made it through. And you did." She smiled.

"Then I'm a horrible mother because my baby paid that price for everyone else, my poor wee lamb." She sobbed.

Beryl took her in her arms, drying her tears. "I'll cover for you the rest of the afternoon, I think you should go upstairs and see your lad and your lass."

Beryl held Elsie for quite some more time. Eventually, Carson walked by the kitchen, stunned to see his wife sobbing in their friend's arms. Neither of them noticed he was watching, so he just stood there and stared, unable to make sense of the situation. He'd known something was amiss but he had no clue what it was and still didn't. Carson elected not to intervene for now but to decided to do his best to figure it out and be extra sweet to her in the meantime.

…

"'What's Thanksgiving?" Charlie asked.

Cora had taken all three of the children into the sitting room with her and was trying to explain this new holiday they were about to all partake in.

"It's something we do in America." Cora began. "Where we have a dinner and all spend time together and celebrate what we're thankful for. Can the three of you think of what you're thankful for?" Elsie approached as Cora asked this, pausing outside the doorway where she couldn't be seen, wondering what her two would say.

"No flu!" Charlie volunteered.

"That's very good Charlie, I feel the same way." Cora approved.

"Mummy!" Charlotte exclaimed.

Elsie's heart leapt at her daughter's choice. She was thankful for _her_ , she chose _her_. She didn't know if she could ever remember being more touched. Elsie went into the room unannounced, Charlotte turned around at that moment to see her.

"Mummy!" She exclaimed, running toward her with open arms. Charlie followed suit and Elsie got on her knees, eager to hold them.

Cora watched as she kissed the twins and held them tight, knowing immediately that something was wrong.

"Benjamin what are you thankful for love?" Cora asked, running her fingers through his hair as she watched Elsie.

"Sybil." He said quietly, beginning to cry.

Ben broke away from his mother and ran past Elsie and the twins out into the hall. Cora was a little embarrassed and made her way passed her friend to find her son.

"Mummy we're happy." Charlie said once they were alone together.

"Yeah Mummy really happy cause we don't have a sister to miss."

Elsie paused, stunned at their words. Their comment really shook her up and she said nothing for a moment before finally agreeing.

"No my lad and my lass, no you don't."

The twins kissed their mom's cheeks not knowing they'd just torn open a painful wound.

…

"Benjamin you need to come out." Cora sighed, telling her son to crawl out from under the table where he was hiding.

"No!"

"Benjamin this is not part of being thankful."

"What's this then?" Robert asked, coming into the room, his newspaper in hand. Cora sighed.

"Benjamin are you going to come out or do I need to tell Daddy?" Ben didn't answer and so Cora spoke. "Your son is under the table, he ran under there after I asked him what he'd be thankful for this Thanksgiving."

"Well that's certainly not the spirit." Robert was surprised.

"No it isn't. He wants Sybil."

"Oh." Robert said flatly.

"Yes."

Robert sighed, getting on his knees next to his wife and lifted the tablecloth to confront his son. Cora sighed painfully when she saw he was still crying.

"Come here my boy we have to talk to you." Robert told him, pulling him out from under the table and onto his lap against his will. Benjamin pouted, crossing his arms but knew he couldn't get away and didn't try. "I understand you miss your sister."

Ben thought everything was his Dad's fault… and Tom's fault. And he was very angry with them both. He wanted his sister to return to Downton, partially so he could be with her, and partially because he had this gravely unrealistic fantasy of punching Tom in the face.

"We know you love your sister…" Cora began.

"The bestest." Ben pouted.

"I know my baby." She soothed. "But…"

"But." Robert sighed. "Your sister is an adult. She's old enough to make her own decisions and I suspect you will understand her choice some day." Robert stopped.

He didn't know what possessed him to say any of this but he supposed it was true. Times were changing and in a way (although a small way) he thought he was proud of his daughter for embracing that.

"I don't know if they'll come but would you like it if we invited them for Thanksgiving?" Cora asked hopefully and Robert looked up horrified. He wasn't ready to go that far with it.

"Cora…" He cautioned.

"Robert it'd be lovely, and we'll pay their way?"

Robert said nothing, watching as his little boy looked up hopefully.

He sighed. "Alright… I'll write them."


	22. Thanksgiving, Part II

Ch 22- Thanksgiving, Part II

November 28th, 1918

"It's my first American holiday." Daisy observed eagerly.

"And likely your last." Carson pointed out, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh I don't think so, something tells me we'll have many more American holidays in this house." Elsie said, putting Charlie into his chair.

The twins had nearly outgrown their highchairs but were still using them because they were vastly too short for the regular dining chairs. Elsie was glad. It comforted her to see the high chairs still filled when they had dinner, if they were empty it would've bothered her making her think even more about the second set of twins she'd lost. Or what she and Dr. Clarkson thought was a second set of twins.

It'd been several weeks since the miscarriage and she'd finally stopped bleeding. On one hand it was a relief for it to stop, it had been painful not to mention frightening but on the other, it was like another death. It met it was over, they were gone and there was nothing left to cling to but the memory of what wasn't. She felt horribly empty now and a chill went up her spine every time her husband touched her. She wanted him to stop touching her, to go away… at the same time she wished for him to hold her forever. His embrace might drown out the pain. It was a really odd mix of emotions and in addition to everything else she was worried about her mental state.

"Mummy I want to go to America." Charlie chimed.

Carson looked back at his son disapprovingly.

"Ha!" Elsie squeaked in surprise. "Look at you, Mummy's little adventurer." Charlie giggled.

"Daddy I wouldn't ever go to America." Charlotte whispered, causing him to smile.

"That's my girl." He whispered.

"What about Scotland?" She asked.

"That would be fine Charlotte, Daddy happens to love someone from Scotland very much."

"I think we should've had our own private Thanksgiving." Bates whispered to Anna, not realizing Carson could hear him.

"I think that's an exceptional idea Mr. Bates." Anna agreed.

The two were glad to finally be married and were practically inseparable. Carson envied them; he was getting the feeling his wife wanted nothing to do with him all of a sudden. He was worried about this and part of him supposed it was the rollercoaster of emotion that accompanied pregnancy. He'd been considering it for a while and thought now that she was still pregnant…she just had to be with how she was acting. At the same time, she'd wanted to be much closer to him when she was expecting the twins: she'd seemed to relish his touch and his love. Now she'd barely look his way.

"I think they're on to something." Carson told his wife. She was in the midst of supervising the twins as they ate and ignored him. He paused for a moment. "I'm thankful for you my Elsie."

She looked up when he said this and turned to him, smiling. "Oh Charlie I'm thankful for you too."

He broke protocol and leaned over the twins, kissing her lips softly despite the fact that everyone was there; simply relieved she still loved him.

…

Ben looked around curiously from his place at the table where he sat atop several large books. This was maybe the second time in his entire life he'd eaten dinner with his family. He often had lunch with his mother, but always had dinner alone with nanny after the twins left the nursery. If it weren't for them, he wouldn't even know to feel left out by his family. The twins got to eat with their parents many nights if not most, and even though he understood his family only shunned him because he was little, he felt deeply hurt by it.

He didn't understand much of what was going on at the table and tried his best to participate maturely even though he was crushed: Sybil had not come. He sighed, resigned to the fact that she must not love him anymore. He wanted to run away and hide under something just as he had the other day but refrained, wanting to make his father proud of him.

In truth, the little boy was torn. He found it odd to be eating with Granny and Mary, almost everyone else he'd dined with at least once before, even Matthew and Cousin Isobel. Ben was still very little and given that he was upset, his efforts to eat without being too messy felt extraordinary to him, like he was trying to move the whole world. His parents and even Sir Richard kept praising his efforts but Mary continually glared at him disapprovingly. Every time she did it, it made his tiny heart dip down further into his stomach and caused him to have an even harder time holding himself together. He looked back at Mary wanting to simply say that Sybil had been the best sister in the world and she was the worst. If he had, Edith would've merely agreed with him.

"Mary that's enough he's just a baby." Cora urged upon hearing her last criticism.

"Well we shouldn't have babies at the table now should we?"

"Well it isn't how we'll do it at Haxby." Sir Richard considered, shrugging as he sipped his wine.

"And it isn't how you _used_ to do it at Downton."

Carson paused at his place by the buffet not liking what he was hearing.

"I think it's a welcome change!" Isobel asserted.

"I do as well." Matthew laughed. Like the Carson children, he always ate with his family when he was a young boy.

"He is your brother and he is little but he is doing a wonderful job, aren't you darling?" Cora asked.

"Children were never allowed in the dining room in my time." Violet observed, watching her grandson who eyed her nervously. "But I suppose I agree. Times have moved on and frankly why should the boy be forced to eat alone?"

"Granny?" Mary felt cornered.

"I for one think it should be a regular thing." Robert suggested, partially just to anger Mary. He didn't like her treatment of Benjamin on this matter one bit and found he liked having his son at the table with them.

Cora gasped, smiling and turning to Ben when he said this.

"Mommy thinks that's an excellent idea don't you Benjamin?"

"So do I." Edith agreed.

"As do I." Came a voice. Everyone turned to see Sybil and Tom standing in the doorway.

"Oh darling!" Cora gasped. She and Ben forgot all decorum, hurrying out of their chairs and ran to hug her.

Isobel and the girls got up a moment later and began greeting Tom and Sybil. Robert didn't know what overcame him exactly but he brought himself to his feet and went to greet them too. The first thing he'd noticed when they came in, was how happy they were and within seconds it struck him that that was all that counted especially on Thanksgiving.

…

"Mr. Carson?" Ben asked, taking the butler's hand. He'd been promised he

could go downstairs and say happy thanksgiving to his friends after dinner.

"Yes?" He asked beginning to walk the boy away from the sitting room where

the family now convened.

"Is this _**my**_ house?" He asked.

"Well yes."

"I mean that, one day when I'm big like you and Papa am I going to live here,

like he does?"

"Do you mean will you be Lord Grantham as well?"

"Um-hum." He nodded.

Carson paused finding it funny the boy had asked him this and not his father. He supposed it was the same reason why Mary had grown close to him when she was small: she could ask him things honestly without judgment.

"Yes, you will be Lord Grantham and this will be _**your**_ house."

"In that case. When I'm Lord Grantham and this is my house, may I kick Mary out of it?"

Carson paused, unsure whether or not he liked this question. He still loved Lady Mary just as he always had, but he found her treatment of her baby brother appalling in a way that had tipped the scales for him. He would certainly not work at Haxby, not after tonight. He considered the boy's question for a moment, deciding to admit he understood where he was coming from.

"His lordship may have whoever in his house he wishes, and he may dismiss whoever he likes as well."

"Yay!" He cried.

"Just one question if I may, your future lordship."

"Yes?" He looked up hopefully.

"Where did you get such an idea, of dismissing your sister?"

"Charlotte." He said simply.

…

"We understand you don't think we like you anymore." Tom said as he and Sybil tucked Ben into bed. The boy hesitated, then nodded slowly.

"Well that couldn't be further from the truth!" Sybil giggled. "You know I love you more than the whole world." She leaned down and kissed her brother's tiny nose.

"I love you too little guy, I understand you're mad at me I thought we were friends."

"We were but you took my faborite!" He decided to admit, rolling over in bed and turning away from them.

If Mary could be blunt, so could he. Ben paused; trying to figure how punching Tom could work into this conversation. Looking back at their happy smiles he realized he didn't really want to punch him. He still loved him too. He just wanted his sister back.

"Oh Benjamin darling, you're my favorite too." Sybil kissed his cheek. "But I'm quite grown up now and marrying Tom was the right thing for me. You'll understand that one day I promise."

"Girls yick." He stuck out his tongue and crossed his arms defiantly, already unsure whether or not he felt this way, at least, not about one little auburn haired girl. Tom and Sybil laughed.

"The fact that we don't live here now doesn't mean either of us love you less." Tom added. "In fact, I'm your brother now, did you know that?"

Ben rolled over and looked back at them, unaware of this fact. The idea of having a brother easily swayed the child's opinion and he began to reconsider.

"Oh Ben, we miss you too! We love you so much and want to spend lots of time with you when we are around."

He looked back at Sybil, her eyes pleading with him.

"Can I visit you?!" He asked.

He'd been jealous when his older sisters attended Sybil's wedding and he and his mother had not been allowed.

"We'll see what Papa has to say." She said.

"But we'll write you, a lot." Tom promised.

"And we'll have a wonderful few days together, that I promise."

After a moment Tom excused himself, leaving Sybil to say good night privately. Ben was still upset that they'd left but changed his mind on his new brother-in-law, deciding that one day when he was grown Tom Branson would be welcome in his home and Mary Crawley would not. Charlotte had told him he should think of it that way and she had been right.

"I love you Ben." Sybil whispered, kissing his cheek. "I miss you so much. I know you're hurt that you're little and can't understand but one day I promise there will be a special girl maybe even one that they don't want you to be with and you will understand. But for now know that I waited for you for years even when I didn't know I was waiting and I love you dear baby brother more than the others." He was half asleep now and not reacting to her words. But he could hear her and would always recall what she had to say, in fact, it would haunt him, and then finally soothe him all his days. "Remember that even when I'm not here my Ben, you always have my heart and I am always with you sweet baby brother."

…..

The Carsons arrived home very late that night. They still weren't talking much and put their sleeping twins to bed in silence.

"I've come to a decision." He said once he shut the nursery door.

"Oh?"

"I won't be going to Haxby after all."

"Why not?"

"Would you like a drink?" She paused then nodded, taking his hand as he led her down the stairs. "Much of it was what you said." He told her first. "But some of it was Master Benjamin."

"Master Benjamin? She questioned as she sat in one of their armchairs.

"He had dinner with the family tonight, maybe his second time ever, and Lady Mary was just awful to him."

"Oh." Elsie frowned. She liked Benjamin a great deal and had a far higher opinion of him than she ever could of his oldest sister.

"It was difficult to listen to and Lady Grantham was not pleased."

"It's odd to hear you say a thing against Lady Mary." She reflected taking the glass of sherry he offered.

He sighed. "Her treatment of her own baby brother I… Elsie." He sat on the ottoman across from her. "I love having children around. Even before you I, I had this secret desire to be a father one day. I think its one of the reasons I always loved Lady Mary and its one of the things that for me distinguished Downton from many other great houses: children are more valued there."

"Yes they are." She agreed whole heartedly, thinking about how her own children, servant's children had been warmly taken into Downton's nursery and how she'd been treated so wonderfully when she'd given birth there.

For a long time though she thought his love of Lady Mary had come from her inability to give him a child of his own. She'd never told him this but had thought it for many years and when she miscarried and he announced that he might follow Mary to Haxby, she found herself instantaneously jealous and very hurt. The suggestion brought back horrible feelings of inadequacy on her part, making her feel all the worse for having miscarried his baby.

"I love how we do it at Downton, with all the children. Most of all I love watching you with our children Elsie. I've looked forward to it for so many years…how could I go away and miss out everyday? I could never ever do that. Looking on you and our beautiful children is my utmost joy." He smiled kindly and she began to cry, touched at his words and at once crushed again for the baby she lost. Carson reached over and dried his wife's tears, pained that she was crying. He knew something was wrong but did not know what.

"I love watching you be the mother I always knew you would be." He continued as her tears flowed. "You're so beautiful at it, so radiant. I didn't get to say it at dinner but that's what I'm thankful for: that I get to see my Elsie as a mother."

"Oh Charlie." She cried, leaning over and kissing him simply. "I love seeing my Mr. Carson as a father, it's what I'm thankful for too."

He reached over and dried her tears, wondering why she seemed so sad. He was desperate to know, to comfort her but didn't want to press her.

"Anyhow. I want to spend my days watching my beautiful wife mother my children, what could be better? And if there's less money to go around as they grow or when we add another mouth to feed then so be it. Beyond that, I can't work in a place, or possibly take my own children to a place where my employers don't value children in the way Lady Grantham does."

"I wouldn't want that either." She whispered.

He leaned over and kissed her softly, relieved she allowed him to do that. He'd barely touched her since before the flu hit. They'd always been very active and loving toward each other and he found her distance (in an intimate sense) almost frightening. He'd even worried she'd fallen out of love with him.

"I love my children so much and I love you. My days and my whole life would be dismal without you Elsie Carson." She blushed; the idea that she was so important to him soothed something deep inside.

"So you're not going to mind the house is a bit snug and finances a bit tight sometimes? We have a wonderful life Charles, a better one than I could've ever dreamed and I don't mind any of it." She whispered, her nose touching his.

"Thanksgiving was a wonderful idea. Because it made me realize how much gratitude I have for all I have." He smiled. "I want this small cozy house, full of my wife's love and soon to be three pairs of little feet running about." He said as she started to cry.

She was at once completely crushed and very touched by his words, not knowing how to tell him there weren't going to be three pairs of feet, but that there could've been four.

"That's all I want too." She told him, trying to convince him that she was okay. "You don't have to be so brave." He whispered, kissing her forehead as they rose to their feet.

"W-what?" She was stunned.

"My love you are so brave. Remember when the twins were born and I was telling you that you're my brave girl? I love that about you, I always have from the moment I laid eyes on you. You're a beautiful, strong, courageous woman who holds so much together but… I want to remind you it's alright to fall apart and to do it on me."

"What makes you bring this up?" She asked nervously.

He sighed. "Something's not quite right. Something's wrong. I know it. Whatever it is, and whenever you feel like opening up to me please, please do. I love you beyond compare and I aim to share everything with you even fear or longing."

Elsie paused, wondering if he knew she'd miscarried, earlier in the conversation he still seemed to suspect she was pregnant. She remembered how things had changed, many years before when she'd opened up to him about not being able to get pregnant. They'd been close before then but had gotten closer when they shared their pain, fallen deeper in love.

"I love you Elsie and I want to be there with you all the way though no matter what the storm."

He took a thick wool blanket off the couch and wrapped it around her, pulling her into his embrace. For a while, she thought he'd been angry and was touched at his warmth. She hugged him tight, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"I love you Elspeth Carson." He kissed her forehead as he held her close, rocking her slowly. "And I'm so thankful for you and my children, whether it's two or three." He whispered and she buried her face in his chest and sobbed.


	23. Downton Abbey at Christmas Time, Part I

Ch 23- Downton Abbey at Christmas Time, Part I

December 1st, 1918

"Chwistmas twee Daddy! Chwistmas twee!" Charlie called excitedly from the sled his father pulled along in the freshly fallen snow.

"No I wanna pick the twee Daddy!" Charlotte begged, hoping he'd relent.

"Can I pick the twee Daddy?" Charlie whined.

Elsie giggled, nuzzling her husband as they walked arm-in-arm. "Our little lad and lass want to pick the tree Charlie, can Mummy pick it?"

"How about we _all_ pick it together." Carson suggested.

Carson and Elsie looked back when they heard the twins begin to giggle, laughing at and poking each other from their place on the sled. The twins were bundled up and excited about a day in town with their parents, the kind of day they did not often get. The couple turned back to each other, smiling once more, stopping in the snow as she leaned into kiss him.

"Merry Christmas my Mrs. Carson." He whispered, his nose touching hers. She smiled warmly.

He was so happy he wanted to pick her up and twirl her around. They'd finally gotten there: the Christmas they'd been waiting for since they were first wed, with just the two of them and wonderful little children of their own. And while they'd had to wait for so long, Carson thought nothing about it could possibly be better than it was and that their twins and happy life were worth every moment of longing and uncertainty.

Still, he couldn't shake the thought that something was wrong with Elsie. He knew every bit of her intimately and it was clear to him that she was distraught. It consoled him greatly that she'd warmed to him again around Thanksgiving. The knowledge that she was still in love with him filled his heart with joy and a kind of calm he couldn't describe to you. But that didn't mean he still didn't worry about what had upset her so much, he knew it had to be significant and he longed to share in it with her.

Elsie was not feeling better much about the babies she'd lost, she never would, but had decided to do her best to make a show of it and pretend she was happy and fine. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt her dear husband and she found she took some solace merely in loving him just as she had when they'd ached over their childlessness years before. She was determined it would be a happy Christmas.

"I love you so much Mr. Carson." She sighed into his mouth.

Charlotte saw the joy in her parent's faces, watching them carefully as they kissed in the snow and then continued on the walk hand in hand. It would be a moment she'd always remember, one that aptly told how in love they were.

Elsie sighed, laying her head on Carson's shoulder as they walked, still holding his hand tight, his mere presence as well as his embrace being just what she needed to soothe her. He tilted his head, resting it against hers knowing he needed to be closer than usual and wishing he understood why.

….

"Daddy will I be this tall when I get big?" Charlie asked, the pom-pom on the top of his little woolen hat bouncing.

Carson chuckled. "I certainly hope not my lad."

Charlie sat at top his father's broad shoulders as they window-shopped. He felt so high up in the air he thought he might fall. But the feeling its self was exhilarating. The small boy felt tall and strong and proud, like his Dad, for the first time having an inkling of what it might be like to be a man rather than a boy. Of course he was long from it. He was very little and his father held his legs in his hands ensuring that no matter what he could not fall.

"Why Daddy, I want to be like you!" He chimed. Carson beamed at the thought.

"My Charlie, you'll probably be just as tall as me, maybe."

"Why maybe?" He asked curiously, peering in the toy store window, seeing something he wanted.

"Because your mummy is short and I am tall, so for you it might balance out."

Charlie didn't understand his words entirely. "Nooo I wanna be like Daddy!" He said plainly, hugging his father's head.

Carson laughed. "Well I'm honored m'lad."

For now the twins, still toddlers, were about the same size. It was difficult to say if they had inherited their mother's short gene or their father's tall one just yet. Oftentimes, the twins kept pace with each other's height but lagged a bit behind Benjamin Crawley. Charlie was smart enough to find this strange, given his father's tall frame. To him it seemed logical that he should be the tallest of the three, like his Daddy. That was his Christmas wish: to get taller.

"Daddy I wanna be this tall as I am right now on your shoulders." Charlie announced, causing his father to laugh.

"No, no you don't my lad." He said, reaching up to guard his son's head, ducking a little as they walked under a beam. "That's a bit too tall."

…

"Wow." Benjamin cried. His eyes sparkled at the sight of the great big tree its the lights went on for the first time.

Benjamin Crawley was in awe. He barely recalled last year's tree but found this one absolutely amazing. He wished Sybil and the twins were there to share it with him.

"It is a wow isn't it my love?" Cora whispered, getting on her knees to talk to her littlest one.

She was in awe of it too, finding it so much more beautiful than the candlelit tree she'd known for the bulk of her life. Ben simply nodded, his eyes transfixed on the twinkling lights. A future Lord, the child lived in splendor but there was something about this that enchanted him. He watched as his older sisters, Mary and Edith, kept about the work of hanging more ornaments, realizing the tree was a truly special thing if Mary were putting aside her continual dramas for the day to simply be happy with the family. Ben yelped in surprise when his mother put him on her hip. He watched carefully as she picked up an ornament, this one a crisp apple red color that shined brightly under the light of the tree it spun clockwise, hanging freely from its hook and reached out to touch it.

"Would you like to hang this one my love?" She asked. He nodded slowly and his mother lifted him up, helping him to place the ornament high above his own head.

"Wow." He muttered again. Cora giggled, bringing him back into her arms and kissing his cheek before grabbing another ornament.

"Punch? Who wants punch?" Robert asked excitedly.

"Here, here." Mary muttered.

"I will." Edith agreed.

"Cora, Benjamin?" He asked.

Cora shot him an angry glare and Robert laughed.

"Oh yes that's right." He laughed, kissing his son's head. "Hot chocolate for Ben then, right."

"Yes." Cora called. "And remember what the doctor said Robert, easy on the _punch_."

…..

"Do you see anything you like my lad?" Elsie whispered.

Charlie said nothing for a moment because the answer was _everything_ and nothing. The Carson boy always found his trips to the toy store overwhelming. There was so much to choose from and he never knew what he wanted. Charlotte always made a beeline for the books and the dolls, Benjamin always fancied the trains… but it wasn't quite that easy for Charlie who had an interest in a great many things. In the coming years, the boy would come to understand that things he'd be passionate about in life had not yet come to fruition and were just making their beginnings in the world, as he was.

"Mummy there's a lot." He told her.

"Oh yes my Charlie I know." She giggled, lifting him into her arms. "You don't much like trains do you?"

"Hmmm they're alright."

He liked the trains he had but he didn't see much he could do with them.

Meanwhile Charlotte had found a doll and a book and made her way excitedly back to her father's side.

"Daddy read!" Her eyes sparkled, handing him the story.

If there was one thing the Carson's had it was books. But Charlotte never tired of hearing them.

"Of course my lass." He took her on his lap and opened to the first page. "But first what letter is that?"

"C!"

Charlie looked over at his sister impatiently. He enjoyed his father's storytelling but by far liked things that required activity over reading. It was one of the reasons why he'd always enjoyed following his mother around as she went about her work. In hindsight, Elsie could remember feeling two little feet happily kicking about particularly when she was going on her rounds (while pregnant) and figured this must have been her baby Charlie.

"Charlie what about this?"

"What's that?" He asked, grasping for the toy from his place on his mother's hip. He'd never seen one before and noted that it was like a train or a car in some way, but like a bird in another.

"It's an airplane my love."

"Airpwane." The three year old repeated the word.

"It flies, and see him in there, that little man flies it."

"Uh-uh!"

"Yes, yes he does, see."

"Uh-uh Mummy you're just trying to fool Charlie!"

"No my love, he does."

Charlie looked back at the plane stunned; the look of mystification that played on his face resembled her husband's so soundly it almost startled her.

"Men really do fly airplanes." She continued, watching as the boy's eyes sparkled at her explanation. "Does my lad like the sound of that?' She asked and he nodded quickly, his eyes remaining on the plane.

…..

"My how they've grown!"

The twins had no idea who this man was; just that he was so enamored with how big they'd gotten in the past year. Charlie raised his little eyebrow in irritation at the man's words as his mother put him on his feet and took his hand. He did not think he'd grown quite enough.

"He farms and sells the Christmas trees." Their mother gently explained, taking their hands and guiding them into the patch of tall evergreens.

To Elsie it was just that, a patch of trees in the middle of town, but being so small; the twins were, at first glance, completely amazed by the throng of wilderness all around them and looked up in awe at what they perceived to be a real forest… the kind in fairy tales.

"Mummy they're too big!" Charlotte squeaked with surprise.

"Some of them are too big and others will be an bit small but there will be one that's just right."

"You pwomise?" Charlotte asked.

"Mummy promises."

Carson came a moment later, the family's small sled in tow. Elsie took each of her twin's hands again and walked alongside her husband.

"Mr. Carson your children think all the trees are too big or too small." She laughed.

"Well I promise my lad and lass there will be at least one that's just right."

Charlie, who walked to his mother's right, reached out and brushed the tree branches with his tiny hands as they walked. Charlotte was growing a little nervous; the trees came closer together and with the density of the foliage came darkness. She was scared and clung to both of her mother's hands eagerly.

Carson's heart swelled with a now familiar sense of pride. Always having been the one to choose Downton's massive tree, he'd waited so long to have a home and a tree of his own. This was his third year, but his first picking out something with the whole family.

"Hmm, Mrs. Carson?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow. She nodded once with a smile, agreeing with his choice.

"Mr. Carson it's perfect. Charlie, Charlotte, look what Daddy chose."

"Oooh." Charlie marveled.

"Pwetty." Charlotte pointed.

The tree was lush, and full but far less impressive than the one that had been unveiled to Benjamin Crawley earlier in the day but the twins loved it all the same.

…

Charlotte blinked, the cold air hitting her eyes full on. It was her turn to ride atop her father's shoulders and she was not so sure she liked it much. He held her leg with one hand and pulled the sled with the other while she held on tight to him. Charlie kept his mother's hand, her other arm occupied with shopping bags.

"Hungry mummy." Charlie whispered, his stomach rumbling audibly.

"I know m'lad, but soup will be on when we get back, perhaps you can help your mum?" He nodded enthusiastically.

Charlotte shivered atop her father's shoulders.

"Lass I know you're cold, but we'll warm you up soon."

"Charlie, it's going to snow." Elsie said matter of factly, pulling her hand away from her son and putting his hood atop his head.

She'd sewn pointed little rabbit like ears on the hood of the twin's woolen coats. Carson thought they were a particularly ridiculous detail but Elsie found them cute, and the twins thought them funny.

"Not today Elsie I…" Carson paused, the first snowflake beginning to fall as they approached the house.

"Run Charlie, run ahead of Mummy." Elsie encouraged.

Charlotte simply blinked, watching as her mother and brother hurried toward the house. 'So I get snowed on too.' She thought.

"Daddy no snow." She protested.

"I thought you liked snow my little love."

"Not when it snows on Charlotte." She pouted, pulling her hood up over her head.

Elsie and Charlie made their way inside the house long before Carson and Charlotte. The little girl clung to her father's head as they walked, the soft glow of the home's warm light lit their path as the snow started to sprinkle across the landscape all around them. Carson put down the sled's handle when he got to their door and lifted Charlotte off his shoulders and high into the air. She giggled audibly and squealed so loud Elsie could hear it from inside the house. She peered out the window, smiling inside at the sight of her husband and little girl in the snow. Carson held her up still, lowering her just enough to where he could kiss her forehead. He smiled deeply gazing up into the falling snow and the look of pure bliss on his daughter's face as she giggled, covering her eyes and squealing.

"Daddy loves you so much my little lass." He whispered, kissing her cheek before taking her back in the house.

…

December 14th, 1918

"Thank you for making time to bake with them Mrs. Patmore." Elsie called from the kitchen doorway, her words ignored by her friend and her little ones.

Elsie noted how good of a time they were having and decided to leave them and continue with her work. She and Cora had decided to send nanny home for Christmas and had both had to find a way to manage without her. Ben wasn't much of a problem for his mother, but the twins were for theirs. It was one of the busiest times of year in the house and the two could easily make a mess or get into some other kind of mischief that changed the whole dynamic of their mother's day. Elsie found she needed more help, without the nanny there, than she could've ever bargained for. Charlie took them in the mornings, then as his day got busier they went to Mrs. Patmore and helped her make lunch, after which they spent a couple of hours with Cora (hours that, despite the fact that she cared deeply for Charlie and Charlotte, always left the countess thankful she'd never had twins), and then finally they spent the remaining eighteen hours of the day left in the care of their over-burdened, but devoted mother.

Elsie could hear the piano playing in the distance as she ascended the staircase and made her way through the green baize door to the main floor of the house. She was happy that someone sat down to play; it always made the place, and her tiring work there seem so much happier. She smiled, focusing on the glow of the Christmas lights as she crossed by Downton's mammoth tree, forgetting, for a moment, to look where she was going.

"Oh!" She cried, startled when she felt herself hit something.

Her husband's happy laughter met her ears before she even looked his way.

"Oh." She gasped. "Charlie."

He took her hands in his own and kissed them softly, holding them tight and gesturing upward toward the dangling mistletoe that hung overhead causing her smile to brighten. Carson leaned down, her hands in his own as his lips brushed hers with a kiss that was at first very gentle. Slowly, she stood on her tiptoes to meet him as she snaked her tongue carefully into his mouth. He deepened the kiss, dropping her hands and instead gently taking her face in his hands, caressing it gently.

His kiss took her breath away; he'd never kissed her like this in public before, let alone in the middle of Downton where anyone could see. She didn't realize he'd been panicked about her behavior toward him and was relieved she still loved him. For that reason, he wanted to show her; in every possible way how intently he loved her… even if that met sharing a passionate kiss where anyone could see.

He didn't pull away when the kiss ended and instead, leaned his forehead carefully against hers. He pulled her in closer to him, wrapping his arms around her small frame as he started to sing:

"If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy…"

She stopped him again, stifling his words with another kiss.

"Dashing away with the smoothing iron, she stole my heart away." She chuckled, her Scottish brogue somehow very sharp in these words, as they were when she had a cold. It took Carson a moment to realize she was crying.

"Oh yes, oh yes she stole my heart away one summer day, that's just what she did." He whispered, beginning to dance with her close as the piano played gently in the background.


	24. Downton Abbey at Christmas Time, Part II

Ch 24- Downton Abbey At Christmas Time, Part II

December 22nd, 1918

"Hmmm." Carson moaned he woke to feel a huge weight a top of his chest.

He was half asleep and painfully tired. He wanted to roll over and just nap, or wake his wife with a kiss and steal a little piece of the morning to spend in bed with her and her alone. Instead he opened his eyes, seeing his three-year-old son staring down at his face. The boy was wide-awake and sat atop his chest.

"Hi Daddy!" He cried excitedly.

"Good morning." He groaned.

"Good Chwistmas Daddy."

"Happy Christmas my boy. I know it's early and you're excited its nearly Christmas week, but Mummy and Daddy need their rest would you like to get in bed and cuddle with them?"

At that moment Charlotte ran in squealing, her new doll in hand. They'd given the twins early Christmas presents the night before.

"Daddy, don't forget me Daddy!" She cried.

"Hmmm Daddy could never forget his bitty girl." He promised.

He was exhausted and sighed as the twins crawled all over them and found their place nestled together between their parents. Carson sighed; just the last thing he wanted was physical distance from Elsie. It was Sunday morning, they didn't have to be at Downton and he'd hoped for something a little less than distance between his wife and himself after she woke. The twins usually slept hours on Sunday mornings they didn't attend church and in some sense, he was displeased they'd chosen this particular Sunday to wake up and want attention. He watched as Elsie sighed, settling in with the twins even as she slept, as if their cuddling with her were the most natural thing in the world. The twins fell asleep quickly, Charlie pressed against his Dad's side sucking his thumb.

"Ni Dadda." He mumbled before drifting off. Carson sighed, disappointed but still grateful as he leaned down to kiss his son's head.

"Daddy loves his little boy." He whispered, hearing his son sigh. "He loves his boy very much."

…

December 23rd, 1918

"Dolly." Charlotte whispered, pressing her finger into the stomach of the cloth doll she'd been given as an early Christmas gift.

"That's right my love." Elsie whispered. "We're glad you like her."

Charlie and Elsie exchanged glances, delighted that their little girl was mesmerized by her present. The two sat in silence, glad to be together and alone in the warmth of their home at Christmas. It was something they'd waited, wanted, and

prayed for, for years. And while it was their third such Christmas, this one was particularly special because it was the first Charlotte and Charlie were really able to enjoy with them and the first they'd remember.

"Look at her eyes, does she have the same color of eyes as you, Charlotte?" Elsie whispered. The little girl nodded.

Carson watched his wife and little girl from over the top of the morning paper, his tiny son on his lap also trying to read the paper even as he played with his bright red toy airplane, which he'd gotten as his early Christmas gift.

"You'll be able to read soon my lad." Carson whispered.

"No Daddy no I just like the pictures." He shook his head, pointing to a picture of sinking ship before continuing to make airplane noises.

Carson, a man of another time, never supposed he'd grow up, then grow old and have a boy who played with toy airplanes and liked to watch grand ships sink. He studied his tiny auburn haired son as he played, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Charlie giggled.

All four Carsons enjoyed what they'd come to call the morning cuddle. After breakfast and before they went to Downton, the children would climb into their parent's laps to be held for a while. The twins didn't realize it was their mother's way of making sure they were awake in the morning, in addition to her wanting to steal more time with them. Today was Charlotte's morning with her mum and Charlie's with his da.

"Would you like to get quite good with the plane, my lad?" He asked and Charlie nodded. "Well," Carson continued. "I suppose that is the future."

Charlie nodded in enthusiastic agreement with this before stopping to look at his dad for a moment. "Daddy what's the future?" He asked.

…

"I know you're excited my lad and lass but you need to be calm." Elsie whispered. Charlotte obeyed, calming herself at once (or attempting to) but Charlie was having a harder time.

Across the room, Cora was having an equally difficult time with Ben, who was overly excited about giving the servants their gifts and couldn't wait to exchange presents with Charlotte and Charlie.

"Benjamin quit kicking, you're hurting mommy." Cora whispered, trying to settle him down.

Ben complied, not wanting to be put down, that was until Charlotte and Charlie came. When they showed up, he wiggled out of his mother's arms and hugged Charlotte tight, causing the little girl to squeal, and her father to bristle in discomfort. He started to clear his throat but Elsie stopped him when Cora got on her knees to address the twins. Elsie did the same so she could give Benjamin his gift.

"For Miss Charlotte Carson." Cora handed her a wrapped package.

Charlotte felt her mother wrap her arm around her and kiss her cheek as she and the boys opened their presents. The Carson's gave Ben a toy sailboat complete with a fake crew and he was excited that it could float.

"No, no Ben!" Charlie shook his head excitedly, "We'll sink it!"

Cora and Elsie laughed at this and Carson cleared his throat, beginning to worry about his son's obsession with sinking boats. Charlie received a tin of toy soldiers and an atlas, with which he was immediately taken.

"It's because you like the world!" Ben told him.

Charlie started to clap and almost dropped the book but Elsie, still on her knees with the children, caught it.

"Where's America?" Charlie hurriedly asked Cora, making it obvious he still wanted to go there.

Cora helped Charlie find America and showed him where she was from in New York and Ohio while Elsie and Ben proceeded to ask Charlotte about her gift. She'd been given a very nice bow that went with the dress Elsie had just made (but not shown Charlotte yet) and some doll clothes that were perfect for her new doll. If Charlotte were older she would've realized her mother and Cora had discussed the gifts beforehand.

"I hope you like them Charlotte, you missed the clothes when we play house."

The term playing house caught Carson's ear and he looked over at the small boy in disapproval, about to yell that he didn't want anyone to play house with his daughter. No one sensed his anger not even Lord Grantham with whom he was in the midst of conversing, but he was livid. It was a good thing that Ben had neglected to detail that Charlotte was always the mum, he the dad and Charlie the eccentric Uncle (in their mind patterned after a male version of Rosamond) because of course, he was Charlotte's brother. And there was the fact that Ben and Charlotte always pretended they were a Lord and Lady and Charlie a great adventurer who always came back to England with many tales to tell their children. This storyline felt natural for the three and one day they would understand why. Cora and Elsie knew of the children's little game and were careful to hide it from their husbands, one of whom was overprotective of his little girl, and the other, determined to have his son marry for money. Cora, on the other hand, thought it was lovely and felt something bigger in it.

Soon, the Carson's went on so that that the family could continue giving out gifts. Carson scooped his daughter up into his arms and took her over to look at the mammoth Christmas tree. Ben sighed, upset that the twins had left. He was lonely and often missed their company. He looked over at Charlotte sadly as she pointed up at one of the ornaments.

"Oh look at that." Carson giggled, noting that he and his daughter were under a ball of dangling mistletoe. He lifted her up and placed a kiss on her forehead. Ben watched from a distance as she giggled wildly. "Never forget Charlotte, that you are your Daddy's girl." He told her and she clapped, settling back into his embrace, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

"No Daddy I won't forget that eber." She whispered, sighing as she pressed her cheek against his chest, hearing his heart skip a beat. She closed her eyes and paused, not realizing she'd remember these moments, and the loving embrace of her Daddy forever. "Daddy I lobe you."

"I love my baby girl Charlotte always." He whispered back.

Elsie kissed her son's cheeks, realizing they were under mistletoe too. He giggled and kissed his mother back on the tip of her nose.

"Happy Christmas baby lad."

"Happy Christmas mummy." He giggled, kissing her on the cheek this time.

"Mummy has a sweet gentleman of a little boy doesn't she?"

"Merry Christmas my love." Carson said, turning to Elsie, the twins still in each of their arms.

"Merry Christmas my Mr. Carson." She laughed into his mouth as he leaned in, kissing her deeply. Charlotte leaned over and kissed her brother quickly, she giggled and he spat in disgust.

….

Because the nanny was gone, Cora took all three children for half the day and Elsie took them for the other half, sticking them in the kitchen with Mrs. Patmore for a baking lesson. Several hours later, Benjamin was sent back upstairs for dinner and the Carson's stayed late to dine with the rest of the downstairs staff, after which Mrs. Patmore fed the twins dessert and stayed with them while their parents worked. They'd decided to stay extra late because they had a lot to see to in preparation for their days long absence. They were nervous-excited about the fact that they wouldn't be at the abbey for five days. How could it run without them? At the same time, they were thrilled about the idea of going off with their twins in private. Mrs. Patmore understood, but was upset about missing her godchildren over the holiday, and as a result spent the day spoiling them with treats, which the twins kept thanking her for with hugs and kisses.

Charlie was exceptionally thankful that Mrs. Patmore was giving him endless treats. He thought that the more he ate, the closer he'd be to getting tall like Daddy and so as a result, he'd been making every effort he could, as of late to eat.

"You don't spoil me with treats." Daisy observed as the twins began to munch on their third set of gingerbread cookies for the day.

"Well of course not: you're not three years old!" Mrs. Patmore spat. She sighed reluctantly, handing her gingerbread too, causing the grown girl to smile and Mrs. Patmore with her.

Actually. Beryl did have a surprise for Daisy but she was saving it for Christmas day.

It was snowing and freezing by the time the Carsons prepared to leave and the twins were falling asleep.

"There, are you all bundled up, chap?" Charles asked his son, buttoning up his little coat tightly. The buttons were so small Carson had a difficult time with them. Charlie nodded, his teddy bear under his arm, both of them ready to go home.

"Teddy cold too." He told his Dad.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure not a piece of fur on his body freezes, alright?" Charlie smiled looking up as his mother rushed into the hall his sister at her heals.

"No, no. They're not bundled up, not until they've got their hats and their gloves!" Elsie exclaimed, getting down on her knees in front of Charlotte. "Your turn for your coat my lass."

Elsie was hurried after a long day and wanted to get home. The twins were overtired and going back and forth between yawning and being hyper. Elsie handed Carson their son's hat and gloves, and he in turn, gave her their little girl's coat. They went through this routine with the twins every night and every morning, achieving it successfully only through the means of quick teamwork.

"Daddy I'm tired." Charlie cried.

"I know my lad." Carson said, noting that his little boy's eyes were growing very heavy. Carson affixed the wool hat securely onto his son's head and the boy giggled. Charlotte started to suck her thumb. Her mother grabbed her arm, pulling her thumb out of her mouth so she could get the coat on.

Charlotte just blinked at her mother as she started to ease the royal blue wool coat onto her arms. Elsie had made it over the last few months, it was too big for the girl and would fit her for several years, but it looked stunning on her, complimenting her auburn-red hair nicely. Elsie pulled the collar up tying the girl's scarf around it and tucking it back into the coat.

"Mummy cold."

"Charlotte you'll be fine, Mummy promises." She kissed her daughter's forehead. "Alright loves, blanket time." Elsie reminded.

Blanket time was always their last step in getting ready to go home and signaled to the twins that relief from being so exhausted wasn't far off.

Carson and Elsie grabbed their children's wool tartan blankets and wrapped them carefully around each child before lifting them into their arms. Elsie had gotten them several years before during their trip to Scotland, when the twins had been conceived. She'd just happened to buy two. Eight months later she'd given them to her newborn children as a gift. She'd loved the same blankets as a child and wanted to remind them that Scotland was part of their heritage just as their native England was. Charlie's blanket was predominantly red; Stewart plaid Charlotte's the famous blackwatch plaid.

"Good night loves." Mrs. Patmore opened the door for the family, handing each of the twins a candy cane.

They were delighted with it instantly, both squealing 'thank you' as she kissed their heads and bid their parents a happy Christmas. Elsie managed to hug Beryl, even with Charlotte in her arms, before they made their way outside.

"Candy Daddy." Charlie cried, excited. He was cold but now that he was so bundled up he found the freezing air exhilarating and was more awake than he had been seconds ago. His sister would not agree.

"Not until we get home, I don't want it sticking to your tongue." Elsie advised.

"Mummy cold." Charlotte cried, burying her face in her mother's shoulder.

"It's alright little love. We'll be home soon."

Charlotte winced, the biting cold causing tears to come to her eyes. It was a bit much for her. Carson was concerned, knowing that it was probably going to start snowing again before they ever got home. It was dark when they got inside the house. Carson put his son down and went to go build a fire as Elsie unbundled the twins and herself.

"Would my babies like to have your candy canes and some hot chocolate before bedtime?" Elsie asked. The twins yawned at once, nodding their heads quickly in agreement to her proposal.

Charlotte yawned again, almost confused when she took her mother's hand and she led them up the stairs.

"Alright little loves, pajamas."

The twins were never so glad to put pajamas on as they were now. Charlotte snuggled into the warmth of her nightgown and struggled to put thick wool socks on her tiny feet as her mother helped her brother with his sleepwear. She couldn't quite manage the socks and before she knew what was happening, her father had arrived and put them on right.

It was later than usual and the twins were confused as to why they were still awake, they knew though that it was Christmas time and tomorrow and the next day would both be very special days. Charlie was exhausted but remembered that his father had told him to wait a few minutes while he and his mother settled in and changed their clothes. The twins thought they were tired but couldn't comprehend the level of exhaustion their parents felt. Even so, Carson and Elsie had sort of dismissed it; too eager to spend time with the twins on Christmas and later a little time alone. Charlie sat with his sister at the little table where the tea set was kept. He didn't particularly like her toys but was too tired to go to the other side of the room and do much with his own.

"Tea, Charlie?"

He didn't answer, wanting to remind her that Mummy had promised hot chocolate and candy canes and it was why he was staying awake in the first place.

Carson watched his wife as she changed into her night clothes, her bare back to him. He studied her silhouette carefully. It had been two and a half months since she'd told him of her suspicion that she was pregnant, and yet there'd been no visible change in her. He sighed, supposing she'd been wrong after all. She would've told him by now if she were; and certainly, he would've been able to see it in her.

He was disappointed to the point where he started to feel a tiny bit heartsick. Sure it would've been overwhelming, with three children under the age of four…but found himself wanting to do it all over again. He wanted that third baby, just as they'd both been eager to have five. They were getting older though, too old for that sort of thing as a matter of fact. He supposed that perhaps it wasn't pregnancy she'd suspected, but something more natural that accompanied her age.

'It wasn't met to be.' He thought. 'Perhaps that's all right. I have my love and my two, I was not even supposed to have that much.'

Elsie jumped when she realized he was staring at her.

"Charlie." She giggled. "What are you…"

He smiled warmly. "Just thinking about how much I love you. That is all."

"I love you too Mr. Carson." She walked over to him and kissed him softly. "Will you be down in a minute? I think it's story time for two wee ones across the hall."

"I would love nothing more." He smiled.

Elsie took the twins downstairs and put milk on the stove for the hot chocolate she'd promised them. Each twin went and grabbed their blanket, wrapping it back around them.

"Charlie. It's your turn to pick a story for your Da to read." She told her tired son.

Carson and Elsie had tons of books for the children and Carson had decided to teach them to read at a young age. The twins didn't know it but he planned on starting soon.

Charlotte looked up at the tree in the corner and all the presents underneath it. It of course wasn't as spectacular as Downton's tree but it was lovely all the same, and more than what many people could hope for. Elsie turned around from her place by the stove and watched her children joyously; barely able to believe she'd been blessed with them.

"Daddy!" Charlotte cried, rushing to her Dad and raising her arms when he came down the stairs. He chuckled and picked her up.

"That's my girl." He whispered, kissing her cheek. Charlotte's affection brought immediate healing to his heart over the issue of the supposed third baby.

"Charlie did you ever find anything you wanted your Da to read to ya?"

"Yes Mummy look it's a nice story."

"I'm sure it is lad."

The family of four climbed into the armchair together. Charlotte yawned nestling her head into her father's chest. Charlie lay back against his mother; holding her hands in his own and beginning to listen carefully to the story. The twins sipped their hot chocolate as they listened, growing increasingly sleepier as time went on.

"Do you think we should?" He whispered.

"Yes I think it's about bedtime."

The twins were more than half asleep when their parents got up from the chair and put them to bed.

"Hmmm not sleepy." Charlotte mumbled against her father's shoulder.

She appeared to be completely asleep. Her eyes were closed tightly and her lips were puffed out in an adorable pout that made her appear to have been asleep for hours. Charlie looked much of the same way and clung to his mother in his sleep. Carson and Elsie climbed the stairs quietly, placing each of the children in their beds.

"Goodnight my lad, my lass." Elsie said, kissing Charlie's cheek and tucking him in first with this comforter, and then with his tartan blanket. It was freezing and she pulled both up to his neck. She paused for a moment watching as the little boy began sucking his thumb as he drifted off. "Mummy loves you my lad." She whispered, kissing him again.

"Happy Christmas." Carson said, smiling brightly as he did the same with Charlotte. "Happy Christmas my precious little girl."

"Dada." She mumbled under her breath as he left her side.

"Mummy and Daddy love you very much." Elsie added as they switched places; he went to Charlie, she to Charlotte.

"Ni-ni my mama." Charlotte yawned so fully it almost knocked her out.

"Goodnight my love."

Carson and Elsie left the room hand in hand, stopping outside of the twin's door when he wrapped his arms around her and placed his forehead against hers. She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him, remaining in his embrace as he kissed back, hugging her tighter. He wanted to pick her up and take her to bed, but something inside told him to be gentle instead.

"It's a miracle." She whispered, her heart doing a kind of tug of war.

Part of her was very upset again over the loss of her pregnancy. If things had gone according to plan, she should be spending the holidays noticeably expecting now and she felt pitifully empty inside instead of full of new life.

But at the same time she was happy, overwhelmed and thankful that her twins were there, had survived their flu and were thriving. T _his_ was the Christmas she'd been waiting for, for so long: to be alone with her husband and children and even after more than three years; she still couldn't believe they were there, all together. Elsie told herself to pull it together, and not let her sorrow spoil it.

"It's such a miracle. You're my miracle." He beamed, still unconvinced she hadn't been pregnant.

He wanted to know more, to question her again but decided not to press it: not then. Something about the whole thing bothered him and he couldn't figure out what it was. Nonetheless he smiled, touched when tears sprung to her eyes at his words.

"Oh my Charlie you're for certain my miracle."

"I love you Mrs. Carson, lets go downstairs, and have a nice dance and a bit of wine by the fire before we retire for the evening. I'll even tell you a story."

"What story is that?" She asked when he took her hand and began to lead her down the narrow steps.

"It's a story about every Christmas you've used to steal my heart away."


	25. The Night Before Christmas

Ch 25- The Night Before Christmas

Christmas Eve, 1918

"I know we should go, but its such a long walk with a wee lad and lass I don't want them to catch cold Charlie." Elsie sighed from her place in the kitchen where she was making some snacks for their evening.

"I don't know. I think we should go. It's church, it's Christmas Eve and you've made the children new clothes." He paused, watching his daughter, her little face pressed up against the window, drawing in the fog of the glass, trying to make a way to see out into the falling snow.

"Shuu they don't know that yet." Elsie sighed, biting into a pretzel. "It's freezing we live further away from the church than if we were still at Downton, people will forgive us if we're not there." She laughed.

"What are the snacks for?" He asked, grabbing a bite sized pretzel out of one of the bowls. He couldn't believe all the things she'd put out and noticed she was particularly interested in the pretzels, they were a bit salty for his tastes.

"For our evening Mr. Carson, our Christmas party with our twins, just the four of us. Doesn't that sound nice, our family?"

"Mummy I'm hungry!" Charlie cried, tugging on her skirt.

She smiled down at him, he appeared virtually out of nowhere.

"Oh there's a lot to choose from my lad." Carson laughed, lifting his son into his arms.

Charlotte yawned, shutting her eyes and turning her attention back to the snow. She was still tired from the long day they'd had the day before and a part of her longed to go back to bed. Carson gave his son a snack and put him back on his feet, watching as he went over to his sister.

"They're very small and have to spend so much time out in the cold going to and from, I'm just not keen on church, Charlie I want them to stay in their home and wait for Santa and hear lovely stories from Mummy and Daddy."

"You want no obligation."

"I want the Christmas you and I've been after since we married. Us alone in the snow with our bairns."

"Well that's why I want to go: I want to show off my beautiful wife and lad and lass to the whole village."

"Hmmm I understand that Mr. Carson…." His idea swaying her a little. "But we go to church nearly every week and we never get to stay in for days, just us."

"We'll go to the early service, we'll bundle them up and bring them straight home."

"Alright." She considered. "As long as we have ample cuddle time. And only on the condition that it doesn't start snowing again before we get there."

…..

Charlotte looked around at the church wide-eyed from her place in her father's arms. It was pitch dark, save the glow of candle light and the twins were mesmerized by the scene before them, their little eyes darting every which way, enticed by the sea of flickering flames. Neither of them remembered coming to church last Christmas Eve. They were much smaller, only two then, and had been far too tired to look around or participate. Both had fallen asleep in their parent's arms during the service, and hadn't woken up until the next morning. This year was different. This year, Charlotte and Charlie were wide-awake and in complete awe.

"Oooh." Carson heard his daughter whisper as she marveled at the candlelight.

He gently kissed her cheek. "Merry Christmas my beautiful baby girl." He whispered.

Charlie yawned, laying his head on his mother's shoulder. She rocked him as he sung along, resting her head on top of his. Elsie ended up feeling glad they came. He was right; it was nice to be out, dressed up as a family on Christmas Eve. The twins loved the new clothes she'd made for them. Charlotte had a deep navy velvet dress and Charlie a new wool sweater in the same color that she'd knit by hand. The twins felt festive and happy in their new clothes and were excited to be out at night in the village as that was also unusual for them.

"I love you my sweet baby boy." Elsie whispered. Charlie sighed, resting his head closer to the nape of her neck and beginning to suck his thumb. "Someone's getting sleepy." She accused and she felt him shake his head no.

Charlie paused, giggling into his mother's neck. He almost laughed too hard and opened his eyes wide as he looked over her shoulder seeing Miss O'Brien there behind them. He almost screamed in terror (the twins had never stopped fearing her as they did when they were newborns), but instead of crying, he buried his face back in the nape of his mother's neck, nervously slobbering on her a little. He didn't remember that he used to do this all the time as a baby. Elsie sighed, patting him on the back, understanding even before he did that he was scared.

"Mummy's got you love." She whispered turning him around and having him look at the hymnal with her. "Mummy's got you."

By this time, Charlotte was heavily invested in looking at the hymnal with her father and began to wonder how soon it would be before she could read it and what those little notes and lines on the page were. But for now she watched her parents carefully, trying to follow along and sing the same words as they did. The twins quickly grew confused by the term silent night, wondering if it met they were supposed to be quiet and after a few moments the two yawned in unison, the song and gentle glow of the candlelight beginning to lull them to sleep.

…..

"You've got to go to sleep soon because Santa will come and you need to be asleep for him to come." Cora whispered enthusiastically, sitting on the edge of her son's bed. Robert stood smiling in the doorway.

They weren't used to tucking their own child into bed, but found it to be a welcome obligation. Benjamin however, had been stalling on bedtime for over an hour and was growing overtired, something the nanny would've put to rest long ago but that the Lord and Lady didn't know how to handle. Nor, admittedly, did they really mind.

"Good night Benjamin." Robert whispered, tucking in his little boy's stuffed bear next to him, joining Cora at his side.

"Nooo." The fussy boy complained.

"Sweetheart you can't stay up." Cora giggled as her son rubbed his eyes.

"I go with you!" The idea hit him suddenly.

"With us?" Robert was surprised.

"What do you think?" Cora asked.

"Why not?!" He agreed happily.

"Come on my baby."

Benjamin was delighted when Cora lifted him into his arms, kissing his cheek. He'd not slept with them since he was a newborn, barely even then and had gotten the idea from his friends who told him they slept with their parents all the time, an activity they had no idea their own father was trying to curb. Carson wasn't exactly a small man and as the twins got bigger, he was becoming increasingly tired of not having enough room to stretch at night because his children, who had their own beds, were taking up his space.

"It's bedtime." Robert whispered.

"Isn't this fun Ben?" Cora asked, noting he was already beginning to drift off, seeming to be comforted by the fact that he was staying with her.

"Mama story?" He yawned, his eyes closed as they climbed into the bed on

either side of him.

"It's too late for story but I think it's high time for a lullaby don't you?" She smiled, kissing his head.

Robert and Cora settled in next to their son and she began to sing _It Came Upon A Midnight Clear_ as he finally drifted off to sleep.

…

The Carson twins were wide-awake, once again, when they got home. By this time, Charlie and Elsie were tired themselves, but excited about their twins' enthusiasm over the holiday.

"Daddy no bed." Charlie shook his head as he made his way over to the tree.

"No bed." Charlotte agreed doing the same.

"Well my lad and my lass that's the surprise." Elsie told them, their eyes brightening quickly. "It would normally be your bedtime, but we're going to have a little Christmas party, just the four of us."

The twins clapped happily when she said this. In truth, the pair was quite tired. It had been a long day but they didn't want to go to sleep, they were having too much fun. Truthfully Elsie knew the twins were overly excited and would never agree to just go to bed. In part, the party was a covert means of getting the twins sleepy and settled before she did put them to bed. It was also a way of ensuring she would get her cuddle time with them on Christmas Eve.

"It's story time." Carson announced once pajamas were on and some time had passed.

The fire roared in the hearth now and Elsie didn't know if anything had ever looked as welcoming as her husband's big chair.

"It's my turn to pick!" Charlotte remembered.

"Not quite my little love." Carson cautioned. "Tonight is a special story night." He said, taking a book the twins didn't recognize off the shelf.

Intrigued the twins climbed onto his lap in the chair and Elsie cuddled up to him as she always did, this time taking Charlotte in her own lap.

"This is a very special story." Carson began.

Elsie's heart swelled with love at the sudden realization of what he was doing. He hadn't discussed it with her, but she'd never forgotten that he'd wanted to have this tradition with his children and read them this story every Christmas Eve. It was something he'd told her when they were first married and trying for a baby. He'd never brought it up again, even since the twins had been born.

'Miracles do come true.' Elsie thought to herself, sighing as she hugged Charlotte tightly. The girl snuggled into her arms, sighing sweetly in reply.

"Love Mummy." She heard Charlotte whisper.

"Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse..." Carson began.

Carson was also overwhelmed as he began to read. Elsie kissed his cheek,

noticing the tears in his eyes as he cuddled their little boy. This was one of those deep, lifelong things that had reflected his longing for a child in the past. The twins looked on eagerly at the pictures in the book, not noticing their father's deep emotion. He was profoundly moved to have them there in his arms, to finally get to a point he'd dreamed of all his married life if not longer. He'd always wanted to be a father, even before he'd known Elsie.

"I love you Charlie. I love you so much." Elise whispered to her husband as he continued to read. He acknowledged only by leaning his head against hers ever so slightly, sighing as he continued.

"Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash."

"Ew, he threw up?" Charlie asked.

"Daddy that's gross." Charlotte added.

"Does he have the flu like we did?"

"No my lad and lass." Elsie laughed.

"He opened the curtains." Carson corrected, raising his eyebrow at his son's assumption and continued to read. "With a little old driver so lively and quick, I knew in a minute it must be St. Nick."

"Santa!" Charlotte burst, clapping her little hands excitedly. "He's here, where is he?"

"He won't be here until you sleep." Elsie corrected, squeezing Charlotte.

"Then how come he gets to see him?" Charlotte pointed at the man in the story.

"Daddy I wanna see a fat man come down the chimney." Charlie complained.

"Me too." Charlotte agreed.

"A fat elf." Elsie corrected. Carson rolled his eyes, laughing a little and continued.

"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk."

"Whose the jerk Daddy?" Charlie asked with pleading eyes.

Carson paused as Charlotte giggled. He'd long imagined, no fanaticized about reading his children this story. But he never guessed he'd have such a funny little boy and girl who would add all of these little questions to the story. Carson laughed, delighted by their assertions.

"Because he's awake and he's not supposed to be." Carson laughed and continued. "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they flew like the down of a thistle but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

The twins clapped when the story was over, both deciding right away that they loved it. Both reached to kiss their Daddy's cheeks and so did Elsie. The family stopped at once when they heard the sound of bells outside. Elsie knew it came from a passing horse and sleigh but decided to indulge her children.

"Hurry, he's coming, it's time for bed!" Elsie encouraged.

"Hurry, you need to be asleep!" Carson encouraged.

The twins laughed audibly, shrieking with delight as their parents picked them up and began to tickle them as they carried them up the stairs.

….

"It's funny how we wanted so many." Carson reflected.

It was late and they lay in bed, snuggled up together. He held her in his arms and lay back relaxing as she read.

"So many what?" She asked.

"Children." He said, kissing her shoulder.

"Oh…" She'd had a wonderful night with her two and didn't want to think about pregnancy or babies or her previous inability to bear a child.

"What was our ideal number again?" He asked.

"Five." She reminded, biting her lip.

She'd never forgotten it and she knew she never could. The number had been permanently etched into her mind for years, plaguing her no matter what she did. For her it hadn't been just been five people who might exist one day, it had been more like a count of missing persons. The number had haunted her for a long time, representing five people she didn't nurse, five people she didn't carry inside of her, five people she didn't teach right from wrong, five smiles she'd missed out on, five less people in the world who loved her…. Five people she didn't share with him. So she could never forget the number five: ever.

"Two out of five is pretty good considering."

"It's perfect." She reasoned.

Elsie no longer lamented the three who might exist anymore…just the one, or two who had, the ones who'd left them and whose existence she'd kept from her husband several months now. It was that child (or children) whose smiles and love she'd mourn. They'd been very real and for a little while with her, yet she'd never had the pleasure of knowing them.

"W-what made you think of this?" She asked.

"The twin's birthday coming up, of course. And the lovely Christmas we're finally having with them. Nothing could be more perfect Elsie."

"Oh. Yes. Four. Can you believe it's four?"

"No." He laughed. "I could've stood to have a baby running around the house a little longer actually."

She gulped, turning to face him. "Charlie. Charlie there's something I must be honest with you about."

She didn't want to ruin their lovely Christmas, but knew now was the time.

"What my dear?" He asked, taking her hands in his own.

"Charlie I…Charlie do you remember when the flu was going round the house?" She asked, gently grabbing his shirt as she shut her eyes.

"Go on…" He hesitated, noting she was bracing herself.

"Do you remember…what I told you, what I told you the evening Charlotte fell ill?" She asked, he watched closely as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"Y-yes." He hesitated, his breath caught in his chest. "You told me you were pregnant, or that you thought you were…"

He was nervous now, as she'd been awaiting an explanation on this front. He looked down at her, surprised as she started to cry.

"I'm so sorry I lied to you! My most precious Charlie."

"W-what do you mean lied?"

His heart started to beat fast and for a split second, he wondered whether or not she'd gotten rid of it…how could she have gotten rid of their child? Certainly she wouldn't have done that!

"I was pregnant Charlie I'm so sorry!"

"Shu, shu it's alright. It's alright, just tell me what happened." He asked, trying to keep her from panicking.

"I wasn't sure…"

"I remember."

"I wasn't sure and everyone started to fall ill. And I had no time to see Dr. Clarkson, and he no time to see me. With you and Charlotte, and half the rest of the house so sick; I was on my feet all day and all night, and sleeping by your side when I got the chance."

"Now that part, I remember."

"And then I had Charlie at my heals, thinking he was helping his Mummy and maybe he was, then when he fell ill too, everything fell apart." She swallowed nervously. "Then, one evening I was in the kitchen alone with Beryl and Daisy, just trying to have a little rest. All of us were exhausted. You and our sweet cherubs were sleeping: finally." She sniffled at the memory. "Daisy had made us some tea and I was sitting there; I began to feel this most incredible pain Charlie, like you would not believe. Within seconds I-I found myself soaked in blood…" She paused. "Daisy went upstairs and got Dr. Clarkson and in short…I lost our baby Charlie, I know you wanted another and so did I, I'm so sorry."

Carson felt his heart stop for a moment, unable to fathom the news that his baby was dead. He jumped when reality hit him again and he noticed she was lying in his arms sobbing.

"Oh Elsie, Elsie I'm the one whose sorry!" He whispered, holding her tight. He felt ashamed for not noticing, for not having been there and couldn't imagine how hard it would've been for her to go through that. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there my love."

"I didn't tell you, I kept it from you because you were so sick. And when you were well I just wanted to celebrate that my family was all right. See I lost one baby during that time, and almost lost all three, and you too…you all almost left me all alone and…"

"Shu. It's all right my lovely wife: I understand completely. And you're not alone; we're here. You have your husband and your twins."

"The baby, that baby I wanted very much to be his mother."

"And I his father." He soothed, rubbing her back.

"Charlie." She swallowed. "Dr. Clarkson…he thinks I may've lost a second set of twins."

Carson stopped for a moment as Elsie cried, letting her words sink in. Twins… again. And they'd lost them.

"Oh my Elsie…." His heart sank. "My precious Elsie."

"Because there was so much blood." She whispered.

"It's okay, it's alright."

"No it's not, no it…" Elsie stopped; unable to speak when Charlie started to kiss her. "Hmmm." She moaned into his mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks.

The room was warm and quiet save the blaze of a crackling fire and the buzz of a frenetic but bound energy between the two. Carson dove back in before giving her much breath.

"Charlie I…"

"No, let me make you forget."

"No I could never forget."

"Then let me heal you Elspeth." He whispered, moving in to seize her lips once more as he rolled her onto her back.

Elsie continued to cry as he kissed her, enthralling her in him, kiss by kiss. In one way she hated it. It reminded her of all the many times he'd done something similar, to comfort her when she'd had to break the news that another month had passed and she'd not gotten pregnant. But just as before, she couldn't help but melt into him as they lay together skin on skin.

…

Christmas Day 1918

"We've waited for this so long my Mrs. Hughes." He whispered, wrapping his arms around her from behind as they watched the children play on the floor in the midst of a sea of wrapping paper.

The Carson's had gone overboard in getting their twins presents but neither of them cared. It was their first real Christmas with their little ones and they were over the moon, even amidst their now shared sadness over the baby she'd lost a couple of months before.

"No Charlie!" Charlotte cried as her brother hit her big, brand new dollhouse with his toy fire engine (the kind you could ride in). He'd been attempting to knock down the tower he'd built with his new blocks, but hit is sister's house instead. Elsie giggled as they watched the twins.

"I know you feel bad." He whispered. "But thank you so much for this miracle my love.' He said, kissing her neck.

"Oh Charlie." She whispered, turning toward him. "I love you so much thank _you_ for our miracle of a lad and lass."

"I love you my treasure." He whispered, leaning in to kiss her softly.

Charlotte watched carefully as her parents kissed, deciding she would kiss Charlie too to let him know she forgave him.

"Charlotte!" He cried, spitting in disgust and she giggled.

…

"Elsie?" He asked. It was late Christmas night and the two were snug in their bed as the snow gently blanketed the ground outside.

He held her close, his arms wrapped tightly around her: skin on skin. Neither spoke, both just indulging in the warmth, peace and every last caress of the other as they watched the fire roar.

"Hum?" She asked, rolling over to face him.

He paused for a minute, just taking her in. She was so breathtaking to him in that moment and even after all this time, these many years he still could not believe they were together, that she was his to love and hold in his arms. She blushed, smiling deeply as she looked in his eyes, thinking much of the same thing. He couldn't help but notice her cleavage pressed up firmly, now against his chest. Something about it made pride swell within him.

"Mr. Carson."

He smiled with all his being and rested his forehead against hers.

"My Mrs. Hughes."

"What is it?"

He didn't want to ruin the moment, but it had crossed his mind. He'd first wondered it the night she'd told him she was pregnant again and after what happened he couldn't ask, but now…

"Well… now please don't be upset."

"Go on."

"I-I rather thought our twins the two snug in their beds." He made clear he was not speaking of the miscarried child. "I thought they were a freak occurrence Mrs. Hughes. Do you happen to know how you got pregnant again?"

"Y-yes." She sighed. "Do you remember, a few years ago before my mother died when I went to see her?"

Elsie's mother had died just two years before the twins were born, she greatly lamented that she'd never gotten to see them.

"Yes?"

Elsie sighed. "Charlie I never told you because it wasn't supposed to work, it had such a small chance at taking hold and for a long time I thought it hadn't."

"What wasn't supposed to work?"

She sighed. "I went to Scotland for an operation."

"A-an operation?" He was for the moment perplexed.

"Yes. An operation: for me to be able to have a baby."

"Elsie! You didn't tell me?!"

"There was only a wee chance it would work and I didn't want to get your hopes up Mr. Carson because mine already were."

"However did you afford such a thing?"

"I saved, and saved over the course of a decade. My mother did as well, an aunt threw in some money...the doctor took off a little."

"Oh Elsie." He remarked, tears coming to his eyes. "I wish you'd told me I could've….."

"It had such a small chance of working but I had to do it, just because there was a chance. And it was supposed to be a surprise for my Mr. Carson." She whispered, taking his face in her hands and wiping away his tears with her thumbs.

"Oh Mrs. Carson it is a surprise, a wonderful surprise. Please tell me it wasn't painful."

A dozen things went through his mind in that moment, first he was worried about what she'd had to endure, operations back in 1911 were a world away from what they were today… and aside from that something inside him began to nag him in that moment, reminding him there was a real possibility, as he'd hoped, for them to have one last child before age took her ability to give them another.

"Yes, it hurt. But I did it." She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his. "So that you might have a son to bear your name."

He'd never really wanted children for that reason but it touched him that she felt so strongly about his name, their name.

"Or the wee lass you wanted so much."

He'd always wanted a daughter. "My mini Elsie." He reminded.

She was in turn touched by his desire to have a mini her walking around.

"Oh my Elsie, my darling Elsie. Who could want more than that? You were trying to give me the world."

"I wanted a family with you so much, I would've done almost anything."

"I could…" He paused, his eyes brimming with tears. "I could always see them in your eyes." He whispered. "Even when we were sure…"

Elsie smiled, tilting her head and kissing him softly, tasting his tears as they slid down to where their lips met.

"Don't cry."

"I have to cry." He said.

"Charlie?"

"Hmm?" He asked as she began to kiss him once more. Instinctually, he wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss, rolling her on to her back.

"Charlie." She whispered, breaking the kiss for a moment. "Who else do you see in my eyes?"


	26. In Mrs Carson's Eyes

Ch 26- In Mrs. Carson's Eyes

*Some of the dialogue in greeting scene is not mine; it's from the show. You'll know which lines ;)

February 3rd, 1919

"I have no idea what else to get them." She said of the remaining birthday present she needed to get for her twins.

"I know what you're getting them alright." Beryl said under her breath.

"Oh?" Elsie asked, intrigued that Beryl might have an idea.

"Nothing different going on with you lately?" Beryl asked, watching closely as Elsie chugged her glass of milk.

It was the middle of the day and the two of them were making preparations for the twins' and Benjamin's joint fourth birthday party.

"Me?" Elsie raised an eyebrow, almost catching her breath. "What do you mean?"

Beryl laughed. "No. There's nothing different about you at all."

"What are you on about?" She asked, raising an eyebrow, the cup just inches away from her lips.

Beryl sighed. "I think you should see the doctor and soon." Elsie raised her eyebrow higher. Beryl wanted to ask if she was daft but instead said: "You're pregnant!"

Elsie looked from Beryl at her cup of milk and then back again. "No I… well maybe…"

The idea had crossed Elsie's mind very briefly just days earlier, but she'd been busy and not returned to the fleeting thought. It may sound odd for her to have gone off such a profound realization but after the brutal miscarriage she'd endured several months earlier, she could barely bear to think of the idea of being pregnant again.

"You're on your third glass of milk." Beryl reasoned. "I've known you for years and I only ever saw you do that when you were expecting." Of course there were other things Beryl had noticed about Elsie lately but she wasn't about to detail all of them.

Elsie paused, looking down into her glass of milk. She wished she could've seen the doctor last time, if she had perhaps he would've told her that her condition was delicate and sent her to bed and maybe if that'd happened, her second set of twins would be well on their way now instead of…

"It's okay." Beryl reassured, tears rolling down Elsie's cheeks. "It's not going to end up like that this time."

"You don't know that. I'd be seven months now if... they'd be nearly born if they were anything like my first two." She whispered.

"All the more reason." She soothed. "For you to go and make sure now."

…

"Why mad?" Charlotte asked, putting down the spoon.

"Hmm?" Beryl asked, unprepared for the little girl's question.

"Why my Daddy so mad?" Charlotte pressed.

"Yeah, Daddy yell a lot." Charlie cringed, listening to his father continuing to yell in the background.

Mrs. Patmore had agreed to take the twins for part of afternoon, not knowing what the day had in store. She set them to work baking, as they loved to do, just after Elsie left on her doctor's appointment and just before the news hit. Mr. Carson was livid and Beryl did not think she could explain. She sighed, drying her hands on the dishtowel and approaching her godchildren.

"Why Anna cwying?" Charlie asked as Anna made her way by the kitchen, her hand over her face. "Is it cause Mr. Bates went to London?"

"He went to London, he'll miss our birfday!" Charlotte cried, her little eyes widening.

"Oh no, he'll miss our birfday! And it's important!"

"Yes it is, it's important we're going to be four!" Charlotte explained, showing her auntie Beryl four fingers.

"Yes I know my loves." Beryl sighed.

She had no idea how Carson and Elsie would want this explained or if she should attempt to explain anything at all. She couldn't very well go and get Mr. Carson as he was on an angry tirade over Mr. Bates' having, been taken from the house.

"Did he go cause he doesn't like us?" Charlie asked, suddenly seeming worried. He furrowed his little brow in a way that made him look somehow the image of his father.

"I'm sure Mr. Bates likes you very much and wouldn't want to miss your birthday."

"Then why is he?"

"Yeah, why?" Charlie asked.

Mrs. Patmore put her head down beginning to sniffle.

"What's wrong!" Charlotte cried.

"Auntie Beryl?" Charlie asked. The twins reached out and wrapped their arms around their godmother, trying to make her feel better.

"Come on, let's go and find ya dad, alright? He will explain."

…

"Well?" Elsie asked anxiously as Dr. Clarkson pressed his hand deep into her

abdomen. The pressure was a bit too much for her tastes and her breath caught in her throat as she winced.

"Well Mrs. Carson, I'd say you were," he paused, making a guess. "Maybe

twelve weeks gone."

Elsie gulped. "That's about what I was when…"

"Yes." He sighed, pulling up a chair and sitting for a moment. "Mrs. Carson." He began, and Elsie braced herself for bad news. "First, I want to say that this baby seems in a good state, and so do you. You're old for this, but your strong and healthy. Rest, take care of yourself, eat well, all which I know you'll do anyway."

"So you don't think I'm going to…"

"No one can ever guarantee anything, even in a much younger mother Mrs. Carson, but things seem in good order, I think more so than the first time."

"Oh." Elsie sighed with relief, allowing herself to smile a little.

"I know you feel very badly about what happened last autumn but please know it was not your fault."

"But I was up on my feet all of those days and…"

"Even if that's what was wrong, please let go of the guilt, it will help this child immensely to do that." He said. "And what's important now is this child because she has more than a fighting chance at life I'm certain of it."

"How did you know I still felt…"

"You're a loving mother Mrs. Carson, how could you not?"

In truth, Clarkson was still bothered by Elsie's miscarriage. He'd had seen a lot of this kind of thing in his time, but would attest to the fact that hers had been particularly brutal. He'd attended to her through much of the ordeal and the thought of it still made him sad and so he knew that she would always have some sadness and guilt too. Clarkson knew that the Carson's had wanted many children and he'd never forget having to tell her she likely lost two in one shot.

"You should know that it's probably not the exercise that did it. Mrs. Carson, most of the time when a woman miscarries a baby." He paused, deciding to rephrase this, sighing for a moment. "Things don't always go well those first few weeks, sometimes babies simply aren't right, from the moment a woman, if you'll pardon the expression, conceives."

"Oh." She swallowed nervously. "Then I suppose my age…"

"Yes. Often in a woman your age, but Mrs. Carson that's not necessarily it either, I've seen it in younger women too, many a time. It's a genetic abnormality that causes the fetus to stop developing and pass away."

He'd wanted to explain this to her at the time, but she'd been far too distraught. Elsie began to cry softly at his explanation but decided to say nothing more about it, worried now for this new baby more than she could convey and realizing his words made her think of Becky.

"Please, try not to worry. It'll only bring problems where there likely aren't any and I want to see a Carson baby come summer almost as much as you do."

"Summer?"

"Yes. Very late July to mid August, somewhere in there." He smiled. "I just have one question for you Mrs. Carson, if I may?"

"Yes."

"I know that you and Mr. Carson wanted a family for a very long time and had no success." Clarkson remembered one time, many years before when she'd come to him, seeming to be asking him something she could or would not phrase fully. Looking back on it, he knew she wanted to ask if she was having a baby. "How exactly is this happening now, all of a sudden? I apologize if it's a bit forward of me…"

"No, no. I understand why you'd be curious. Not long before the twins, I went to Scotland for an operation that wasn't supposed to work. But clearly it did, quite well." She laughed, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"I'm glad." He said simply. "Now, one more thing. When you go home, please feel free to tell your husband and your twins: to be truly happy."

…

But home was anything but a happy place right then. Or at least, Downton wasn't. Elsie walked around the village in the snow by herself for a while, letting the news sink in. She was distraught but happier than she could say, and already head over heals in love. But she wasn't sure that she could allow herself to be so in love.

While hell was breaking loose back at the house, she wandered about the village, unable to suppress the huge smile that was slowly spreading across her face. Without realizing it she pressed both of her hands to her still flat belly, holding herself like she were holding the greatest of treasures and she was.

"Hello my love." She whispered to where no one else could hear, a fresh batch of tears pouring down her cheeks. "Mummy can't wait to know you and see your smile my sweetheart."

Elsie walked around for a while in pure bliss, something in a shop window finally catching her eye and slowing her down. It was a tartan blanket just like the one's she'd bought the twins before they were born, and to boot, it was one of the Hughes clan tartans. Elsie stood, caressing her belly and wondering if it would bring her baby bad luck to buy him the blanket, if it would jip it and she'd loose the baby.

"No my little love, a blanket you should have: to match your big brother and sister, because it's just so perfect."

…

Elsie walked back to Downton in the snow, holding the blanket tightly to her belly and thinking about all the ways she might tell her husband she was pregnant.

"How should we tell Daddy m'lad?" She asked.

Right away, Elsie had had this overwhelming instinct she was going to have a boy. She was ecstatic for it, very pleased at the idea of another son and she hoped Charlie would be too.

"I know however I tell him, he's just going to be over the moon for you little sweetheart. I know I am."

Back at Downton everyone was distraught. Anna was the most devastated of all of course, and was upstairs sobbing in Lady Mary's arms. Mary rocked her maid and friend back and forth absentmindedly, shocked by the whole thing, she just stared straight ahead, trying to focus only on Anna. Robert was crushed knowing right away his friend and loyal servant, a man who'd saved his life would never have done such a thing. Carson was angry and the twins found themselves quite confused.

"Here, Charlie, Charlotte it's time we go see your Da." Mrs. Patmore said, ushering the twins into the pantry.

"Mrs. Patmore." He urged. "I'm not sure that…"

"Daddy I'm scared." Charlotte cried.

He sighed.

"Daddy no get it!" Charlie explained.

"Alright." He sighed.

"Daddy you yell." Charlie commented as his father took his and his sister's hands and Beryl quickly left the room. Carson put the twins in the chair facing his desk and bent down, pausing for a moment before beginning to explain.

"Mr. Bates has been arrested." He began calmly, causing the twins to gasp.

"Like a bad guy?" Charlie burst as Charlotte began to cry.

"Er yes… but he's not. He's been falsely accused." Carson was sure of it.

"Why would they do that?" Charlotte cried.

"It happens sometimes and…"

"Daddy am I gonna get taken away?" Charlie asked as he began to cry. Carson sighed.

"No lad, you won't get taken away. It doesn't' work like…"

Within seconds both the twins burst into tears and Carson, frustrated took them into his arms.

"What's going on here?" Elsie asked, surprised to find the twins crying when she walked into the room. "Oh my lad and my lass, what's wrong?" Elsie cried, rushing over to where her husband held them in his large, capable arms. "We have to be upstairs in a minute. Mrs. Levinson will be here." She remarked rubbing Charlotte's back.

"Mummy!" Charlotte cried.

"Oh that's right…" Carson groaned.

"What's this about?" Elsie asked, taking her little girl in her arms.

"Mr. Bates' arrest."

"His what?!"

…

"Come war and peace Downton still stands and the Crawley's are still in it!" Mrs. Levinson burst as she climbed out of her car.

The family and the servants were hurried outside and lined up accordingly to meet Cora's flamboyant mother, Mrs. Levinson. Ben was intimidated by the idea of meeting his other grandmother for the first time. She'd never been to see him and for whatever reason, she decided his fourth birthday would be a good time. Charlie and Charlotte stood at attention in front of their parents, their eyes wide at the jovial nature of the lavish American woman. Neither of them had ever seen anyone or anything like her and for that matter, her presence made them question, for the first time, what had happened to their own grandparents. Surely their parents must have had parents.

Meanwhile, Elsie bit her lip, breathing through her nose. She felt sick all of a very sudden and was trying hard not to throw up right then and there in front of everyone.

"Carson, Mrs. Hughes the world has moved on since we last met." She turned to them after greeting the family, not noticing the little auburn-redheaded twins who stood in front of their parents, gazing up at her.

"And we have moved on with it." Carson announced.

Mrs. Levinson was about to laugh when the twins finally caught her eye.

"No!" She gasped, looking back and forth between Carson, Elsie and the twins.

The American could tell right away that the twins had both their parents etched all over them and knew instantly who they were. It was almost like seeing a mini Carson and Mrs. Hughes. Cora and Robert tried to hold back a laugh at her shock but could not. Meanwhile, Elsie was gagging, struggling with whether or no she should run away, try to bear through it or throw up right there.

"Carson, Mrs. Hughes you really did move on with the world!" Mrs. Levinson chucked. "I'm impressed! I'm even more impressed Downton accepted this." She said, looking back at her daughter, trying to denote that she quite approved.

"It's Mrs. Carson now ma'am, and this is Charlie and Charlotte." Elsie introduced, patting each of the children's heads very gently and quickly biting her lip again, forcing herself to swallow. Carson looked over at his wife, noticing that she was gagging and raised an eyebrow.

"Mother, the twins and Benjamin share a birthday, tomorrow's party is for them too." Cora announced.

"Well is that so? Hello Charlie, hello Charlotte. Happy Birthday! Thank you for welcoming me to Downton and showing me that time really does move on here!" She chuckled. She'd never have believed it had she not seen it in this way.

"Is it because we're four?" Charlie was confused.

Elsie continued to try to suppress her need to throw up as Mrs. Levinson kindly greeted her twins, introduced her to her maid and went inside with the family. Carson, who'd noticed her trying not to throw up was pulled inside the house by Thomas before he could question her and and made a mental note to inquire about it later. Elsie was grateful that nanny came and took the twins from her and that almost everyone, save Mrs. Levinson's driver, cleared out quickly allowing her the opportunity to rush downstairs.

Elsie ran for the small lavatory off to the side of servant's dining area, covering her mouth as she hurried past Beryl in the kitchen.

"Ha! I told you!" Beryl called after her.

….

Benjamin and the twins didn't know how to react when Mrs. Levinson came to the nursery and sat down with them. Downton had many visitors, including Ben's other grandmother Lady Violet, and not one of them had ever visited the nursery before.

"What's it like?" Charlie brought himself to ask.

"What's what like?" She questioned.

"Charlie wants to go to America." Ben announced.

"Oh!" Mrs. Levinson was even more pleasantly surprised by this news.

Charlotte gave him a strange glance she didn't know what to do about the problem of her twin wanting to see the world. She would hate to leave his side and she would also hate to go abroad.

"Charlie." Mrs. Levinson paused. "When you get bigger and can do what you like, write to me. You can come and see New York and stay with me, how would you like that?"

"Really?" Charlie's tiny eyes lit up. He was little but Mrs. Levinson was being truthful and he would never forget it. One day he would take her up on her generous offer, or try to.

"Really." She said, not knowing what prospects the boy would have as an adult, but she liked him right away and wanted to give him something that would hold promise.

In her eyes, he was smart and inquisitive and deserved something more. He wouldn't inherit a title or a house like Ben would, he wouldn't find a husband like his sister likely would (Mrs. Levinson didn't know why, she just had this feeling the girl would marry young and that would be that).

She thought Charlie deserved a ticket to a new life and that this would be it. Besides, he was growing up in Downton's nursery, she figured he had suffered enough already.

"Mother will you still be alive?" Cora giggled as she came in the room.

"Oh I'll still be alive." She promised. "And if by some off chance I'm not, then you send him to New York, just for me."

…

The Carson's made their way home many hours later. By that time, they were all exhausted: the twins were excited about their birthday and the gifts Mrs. Levinson had given them. For Charlie it had been a promise of New York, he didn't care that he had to wait for it, he would relish the waiting.

Mrs. Levinson had given Charlotte a little pearl necklace encrusted in tiny diamonds. Elsie, whose morning sickness had hit that day, was sick, miserable and overwhelmed that someone gave her four year old daughter such a fine piece of jewelry. And Carson was just angry, having spent the entire day dealing with the Bates dilemma with no idea how to resolve it.

"Mummy has another surprise for you." She told the twins as Carson began to build the fire in the hearth. "Could you go upstairs and put your pajamas on?"

The two nodded enthusiastically, kissing their mother's cheeks and racing up the stairs.

"Mr. Carson." Elsie soothed, rubbing his back as he stared at the fire, trying to soothe him.

"It's not right." He said of Bates' arrest.

"I know my love." She soothed, noting he was still seething.

She turned to face him and hugged him, sighing as she placed her head against his chest. She could feel his heart beating rapidly against her face and began to hum in the hope that it would calm him. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight to him and resting his head atop of hers.

"Charlie." She whispered.

"Hmmm." He'd closed his eyes just focusing on cradling her now, finding that indeed it did soothe his soul.

"Mr. Carson, I'm pregnant." She whispered.

"WHAT?!" He burst and she jumped as he pulled away from her. Elsie was startled, even thinking he was not pleased. She swallowed nervously.

"Charlie I…"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes I…."

Carson's expression softened and he found himself smiling so deeply he thought he would burst as he lifted Elsie off her feet. She shrieked with delight as he kissed her.

"Say it again. Elsie, say it again." He asked as she cupped his cheeks in her hands.

"Charlie I'm going to have your baby!" She cried, her words quickly muffled when he moved in to kiss her lips.

"Oh Elsie that's so wonderful!" He cried, tears in his eyes.

"It's a summer baby." She told him. "Can you see him?" She whispered. "Can you see him in my eyes?" She teased as he kissed her forehead, leaning in to kiss her again as the twins came down the stairs.

"I can see him written all over your beautiful glowing face and in the brightness of your smile." He beamed. "Oh Elsie I love you." He said through his tears, leaning her back and kissing her again.

"Mummy." Charlotte greeted.

"M'lad and my lass, mummy and daddy have an early present for you." She said as the children approached, looking up at her eagerly.

"Yes we do." Carson agreed. "Quite the surprise."

"Daddy why you cry?" Charlotte asked her eyes filled with worry.

"Because I'm very happy." He smiled, a tear sliding down his cheek.

The twins were confused. They'd seen their father go through so many emotional changes that day and that was unusual.

Elsie sat down on the edge of the ottoman and opened her arms to the twins. Carson sat behind her; one hand resting lovingly on her shoulder the other took her hand and squeezed it tight.

"What is it?" Charlotte's eyes sparkled.

"Tell us, tell us mummy please!" Charlie cried.

"When the summer comes, you're going to have a baby brother or sister." Elsie announced.

"Oooh!" Charlotte gasped, her eyes widening and she clapped in excitement.

"Yay!" Charlie shrieked. "Happy bwirthday to us!" Charlotte went up to her mom and kissed her midsection softly.

"Are you excited?" She asked.

The twins replied by getting up on the couch and starting to jump.

"Happy biwrthday to us!" They cried.

Carson and Elsie each immediately picked up a twin and twirled them around, causing them to shriek and giggle. Carson found it so strange that they could be so filled with this abundance of joy on the same day such tragedy could befall members of their household, but put it out of his mind. Carson swung his son in his arms laughing along with him and thinking about how in a few months time he'd know the joy of fatherhood once more. Charlotte was excited and Elsie's heart aflutter. She and Carson exchanged glances as they twirled the twins. He couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was to him in that moment, her smile and eyes and soul lit up the whole of the house and the whole of his being. Mrs. Carson felt a sense of joy and relief and the greatest of satisfaction at the site of her husband's face and she began to cry too.

Outside the snow began to blanket the ground again and the glow from the fire lit up the Carson cottage, its light could be seen from a great distance and reflected the joy felt within it, most especially, the wonderful glow of Mrs. Carson's eyes.


	27. Trial

Ch 27- Trial

*Note the first scene is rated M

March 1919

Elsie moaned tilting her head as he pursued her, snaking her tongue inside of his mouth ever so gently as he ran his hands up her sides, sending chills down her spine and all through her very core.

"Ch-Charlie." She breathed not pulling away from his lips.

"Oh Els-Elsie." He muttered, placing his lips on her ear and beginning to kiss all down her jaw to her neck and down to her cleavage.

"Charlie, Charlie." She muttered quietly, digging her nails into his back.

"Oh my Elsie." He whispered, redirecting his lips back to hers. "My precious Elsie. My beautiful Elsie."

She stared into his eyes for a moment, watching as the glow of the fire played carefully on the side of his face. The two were eager to be close and had tried to refrain from making love; afraid it would hurt the baby who was just beginning to show. Ultimately though, they'd failed and fallen into each other's arms. They made love slowly, gently, carefully even. To Elsie, this made it all the better. She felt so treasured in her place in his arms, so filled with love she could burst from the depth of her heart: she wanted to stay there, that way with him forever.

"My Charlie." She whispered. "My Charlie how I love thee."

"My Elsie how I love you more." He whispered.

She started kissing him again, feeling him cup her bust gently in his hands. She gasped into his mouth, feeling something strange as he touched her. Tenderly or not, it hurt, and brought tears to her eyes instantly. It was a new, unfamiliar feeling that she knew wasn't right in less than an instant and so did he. After twenty-three-years of marriage, he knew his wife's body well and this felt foreign to him, it felt wrong.

"Oh-ouch!" She cried out an instant later.

"What?!" He asked with a panic.

"Here." She said, taking his hand in her own and placing it on her bare belly, the pain in her breast forgotten in just a moment when she felt the baby flutter inside her for the first time, her breath taken away.

"Oh Charlie you feel that?" She cried. "He moved! Oh Charlie he moved! Our baby's real and he's alright and he moved!"

Carson paused, relishing the feel of his tiny, unborn child moving against his hand. He'd waited so many years to share these moments with her and the baby's first kick took him by such surprise. Neither of them thought it was time yet; she was only four months pregnant.

"It's so beautiful my Mrs. Hughes." He whispered, tears coming to her eyes.

"That's Mrs. Carson to you." She corrected, tilting her head to kiss him again.

…

Early April 1919

"It's a lad alright." Beryl chuckled, watching Elsie snack as she cooked. Elsie was almost half way through the pregnancy now and had already gotten very round. It had happened suddenly and Carson thought she was going to burst.

"Now why do you say that?" He asked, seeming offended by suggestion.

"Be careful." Elsie warned. "Mr. Carson wants another wee baby lass, he won't hear any of that baby lad stuff from you."

"No I won't. It's a myth that her snacking habits have anything to do with if it's a boy or girl, so quit calling my daughter a boy Mrs. Patmore, really."

She sighed. "Authority is sometimes wasted on the wrong people, I'd bet my pots and pans that baby's a boy!"

"It's a myth."

"Well she was right the first time." Elsie reminded, biting into a pickle.

"Of course she was right!" Carson cried. "We had a boy and a girl the last time!" Carson was growing angry now. "You would've been right no matter what you said! And I'm the one who asked Dr. Clarkson at least three times if there was a chance it was twins and he said no! You ladies should listen to me, perhaps there's a chance I might know something around here."

"Then perhaps you should listen to the mother." Elsie said, caressing her stomach as she continued to eat. She agreed with Beryl and thought it was a boy.

"I hate to interrupt, but Lord Grantham is asking for Mrs. Carson, it seems Sargent Willis is upstairs." Thomas announced, poking his head in the door, a satisfied, smug smile played upon his lips, lingering as he waited for a reply, as if to suggest Elsie had been caught doing something wrong.

"Sargent Willis what could he want?" Carson was immediately concerned.

"Thomas tell his Lordship I'll be up as quickly as I can." She said, beginning to get out of her chair.

Carson went to help her, searing pain coming when he accidently grazed her breast while trying to grab her arm. She bit her lip, turning away from her husband. He didn't notice but Beryl did. The cook raised an eyebrow, immediately concerned.

Carson followed his wife upstairs and into the library, deciding that wherever she went he too would go. While not even six months, the curve of her belly seemed to go before her as she walked and the mere idea of it made Robert jump when they walked into the room. He wished he hadn't asked her to come all the way upstairs but saw no other choice. He stood by his desk while Cora and Sargent Willis sat on the two settees across from each other.

"Oh El-Mrs. Carson." Cora caught herself. "Please, sit down." Cora insisted, fluffing up a pillow for her friend's back.

"T-thank you m'lady… what's this all about?" She asked; concerned suddenly when she realized Lord Grantham looked upset, a prospect that made Carson uncomfortable as well. Elsie took a seat next to her friend and across from the Sargent, Carson stood behind her.

"If you'll forgive me, m'lord I should like to stay for my wife's inquiry."

"No, no, no inquiry… well, not for Mrs. Carson." The Sargent soothed.

"If only that were entirely true." Robert sighed.

"Mrs. Carson, we've brought you here because you've been called as a witness: to testify against Mr. Bates in his trial two weeks from now."

"Me? Why me I don't know anything about…"

"They seem to think you do."

"Sargent Willis. I really don't know much and moreover, I'm unwilling to testify against Mr. Bates. I don't think him capable of what he's been accused of."

"Nor do I." Robert explained quietly, "But I've been given no choice either."

"Mrs. Carson, Lord Grantham, as I've explained to several other witnesses your testimony might help him."

"With all due respect." Elsie began. "I don't feel much up to taking a trip to London. The baby won't come until summer but she's already growing very fast and I'm getting tired, I should think it would be more so two weeks from now."

Carson stayed silent but was against the idea immediately.

"Robert, I think you should get Murray on the phone." Cora suggested thinking of the estate's attorney.

"It won't do you much good." Willis told him.

"Now see here!" Robert charged and Willis put his hand up.

"I'm sorry Lord Grantham, it's out of my hands and I'm merely telling you as it is: I wouldn't want a man to have to testify against his friend, or for Mrs. Carson, in her condition to have to be quizzed on something she wanted no part in. That's just the way it's going to have to be."

…

Elsie could tell her husband and Lord Grantham were both fuming when he saw Sargent Willis out. She remained in her place on the lounge and must have been staring off into space for a few moments because she felt Cora grab her hand and squeeze it.

"Elsie we'll do everything we can to keep you from having to go. I wouldn't want to go in your condition either, it's wrong and who knows how you'll feel in a couple of weeks."

Elsie sighed. "Don't tell Mr. Carson, but perhaps I should be there for Anna anyway?"

"Maybe. But Mary and Matthew do plan on going."

"R-really?" She couldn't hide her surprise. Cora simply nodded. "O'Brien is going too."

"I find this all very curious what could she possibly know? Next they'll be calling on the children to testify."

Elsie paused, realizing the children might actually know more than she, all three of them, specifically Benjamin, spent time with Bates, a kind man who doted on them. Elsie left Cora and Robert alone to talk to their attorney and began her journey back downstairs, running to Mrs. Crawley, who'd just arrived, on the way.

"Mrs. Carson."

"Yes Mrs. Crawley." She greeted with a smile.

"You had a maid at Downton, the one that came into the dining room."

"Oh, Ethel, yes."

Elsie had lost touch with Ethel over the last several months and ironically, hadn't thought of her much since becoming pregnant.

"Well, she showed up at one of the centers where I work and tried to speak with me but ran away before we could really talk." Isobel informed, Elsie's heart skidded to a low thud, her stomach sinking at the thought the girl had turned to that kind of life. "Do you have an address for her?"

"If she's still there, yes. Please come downstairs, I'll try to find it for you."

….

Heavy rains blanketed the landscape that night and for that reason, Elsie did not feel like walking home. She had to work late anyway and so as a result, they stayed in their quarters in the abbey. Carson took Charlotte's hand and placed Charlie on his shoulders not long after dinner, taking the twins upstairs for a story and their bedtime, telling them it would be a fun evening, a night spent alone with dad… not that he needed to explain that to get them excited about the prospect.

Elsie remained alone in the kitchen with Beryl and was considering asking her something when there was a sudden knock on the backdoor. The women exchanged glances, wondering whether or not they should answer at this time of night. Finally Elsie braved it and when she opened the door there stood Ethel, shivering and soaking wet.

"You're soaked the bone!" She gasped. "Where's the baby?"

"My neighbor's watching him." She said; her arms folded tightly around herself in a big hug.

"Ethel…"

"Please just a little something to tide me over."

"You know I shouldn't be feeding you out of the kitchen." She said.

Elsie sighed, wishing she could more easily access food from her own kitchen, but realizing she'd rather have Cora mad at her for feeding Ethel from her kitchen than Charlie from theirs: Cora would be far more forgiving and Charlie would be livid if she led Ethel to their home… especially given what she'd now become. Elsie didn't see Ethel as dirty, or marked: she just felt all the worse for her.

"Wait here, I'll collect what I can and please, try not to catch cold Ethel."

Elsie came back to the door within a couple of minutes, a small bag of food in hand.

"Please remember I can not make a habit of feeding you, although I'd like to. Mrs. Crawley is looking for you, she says she saw you this morning and you're welcome to pay her a visit."

"Yes but… what she wants and how I want to go about things they're…"

Elsie sighed. "She can help you in ways I cannot: ways you must be brave enough to chance, if not for you then for your son."

"Well that's just it: I want you to write to the Bryant's. I want them to take Charlie."

"We've been down that road…" She reminded, growing cold now. Ethel put her head down and Elsie sighed. "We'll see where we are after you visit Mrs. Crawley.

Elsie closed the door, slightly shaken, cold and full of resentment. She didn't want to deal with Mr. Bates and Ethel when it was supposed to be a happy time, and worse, when she had something on her own heart she didn't want to face.

"Mrs. Patmore, Beryl… will you step into my sitting room."

"This is about this morning, idn't it?" She asked nervously and Elsie nodded just once.

…..

"It's a lump alright." Beryl confirmed, her heart racing. 'How can this be happening?' She wondered, careful not to think aloud. 'She's pregnant, she's happy…'

Elsie was crying openly now and the cook placed her arms around her friend.

"I'm pregnant! What about the baby, if I am sick what happens to him?" She sobbed. She was afraid that if it was cancer and she was going to die, the disease would take over her baby's growing body too.

Mrs. Patmore said nothing; nearly stunned by the question: she had no idea how that worked or what to think about it.

"We need to go see the doctor: you and I will go in the morning." Beryl said trying her best to be the strong one even though she was terrified too and never the most rational person in the room. "Does Mr. Carson know?"

Elsie shook her head no but truthfully she wasn't sure. That was how she'd first felt it, when he'd touched her breast weeks before: it had grown since then and hurt much more.

"If I'm sick what happens to all my babes, to my husband?" Elsie started to cry and then sob at the thought of her Mr. Carson all alone with her poor orphaned baby Charlie and Charlotte. "I don't want to leave my babies." She sobbed.

"Shuuu, it'll be alright. We'll go see the doctor in the morning and see what he has to say. Better money to the doctor than an undertaker right?" She asked.

Elsie just stared at her for a few moments and then continued sobbing.

"Mrs. Patmore if that's an example of your bedside manner…."

….

"Are you any more tired than normal?" Dr. Clarkson asked.

"Of course I am, I'm five months pregnant." Elsie defended, Beryl sitting beside her.

It was cold and raining still. Elsie shook, both out of fear and the fact that she was freezing. She felt it a bit odd, being examined with Beryl at her side but supposed that it was no different than giving birth with Beryl at her side wish she'd done and planned to do again in just a matter of months.

"It's most assuredly a lump but I don't think its cancer."

"See." Beryl said. "He says it's very, very unlikely."

"Mrs. Patmore if the doctor can talk to me like an adult…"

"I'm going to take a tissue sample, send it back to the lab for analysis… we won't know much for a few weeks."

Elsie gulped. "What about the baby if I am sick will he…"

"If you are ill we will give you lots of extra vitamins just for the baby; but I really think he should be fine no matter what happens to you and that you'll be fine too. It's most likely a benign cyst and if it is I'll remove it once we find out. Now are you ready, I must warn you: this will hurt." He cautioned.

Elsie nodded, not saying a word. What did it matter that it hurt, it had to be done. She took Beryl's hand and squeezed tight as he started to extract the tissue from the side of her breast, biting her lip as tears streamed down her cheeks, eventually placing her face in Beryl's shoulder as she started to cry again, not out of pain but in sheer panic. Panic she would keep from her husband.

…

Two Weeks Later

"I don't like it." Carson shook his head, buttoning her coat over her now even bigger belly and placing his hands there, feeling the baby kick.

The Carson baby had increased in activity over the last couple of weeks and was a constant presence in his mother's life now that he was six months. She was overburdened and more worried than she thought she'd ever been: as a result, his little tumbles and kicks were of more comfort to her than she could phrase. It was nice to have a constant comfort, a vibrant little life growing inside her, obviously happy and healthy when she lived in perpetual fear that her own life was about to be snuffed out too soon.

"Well I don't like it either but there's nothing you can do about it. Do you feel that little one, Daddy's trying to keep us warm lad."

"But Elsie your condition..." He protested, feeling helpless now.

Her head snapped up when he said this and her breath caught in her throat and suddenly she realized he'd been referring to her _condition_ in being pregnant not her possible condition of having cancer. She wouldn't know for sure for another two weeks time.

"I know." She sighed, rubbing her midsection

"It's not right." He said. "Forcing a woman in your condition to come all the way to London to testify! Its just…"

She sighed. "I know, but I must be there for Anna."

"Yes, but as the baby lass' father, she does not have my permission to attend."

"Mummy has to go so, so does she."

"Elsie, whatever you do, please don't get too upset." He said, caressing her stomach gently. "If you'd been here I would've…"

"Just take care of my work and our little ones, I'll worry about this one. He and I will be fine."

"Just don't let him get too upset, Mummy." He kissed her forehead. "He needs his strength and his peace."

"I do think he's a boy." Elsie whispered.

"Whoever he is, just make sure he and mummy take good care of one another today." He smiled.

"Mrs. Carson." Robert smiled as he came down the stairs, hating to interrupt the tender moment between the couple.

"Your lordship." Carson was surprised he'd come downstairs.

"The car is waiting; I've come to collect Mrs. Carson and to assure you that I will _personally_ take care of her on our journey."

Cora and Robert were upset she had to go, and moreover, word had gotten back to them, via Carson who knew something was wrong but didn't admit it, that his wife might be ill. Carson didn't suspect cancer, figuring she'd have told him. He thought something was wrong with the pregnancy, but his mind kept lingering back to the lump he'd felt in his hands; the one he'd known was not normal, and deep inside he knew that's what it was.

Carson kissed his wife goodbye as he helped her into the car.

"I love you." He whispered. "Please don't press yourself too much. Don't worry." He gazed into her eyes.

"I love you more." She whispered. "Because you love me so."

"Oh my darling, I do love you so." He whispered, kissing her nose.

"Carson, don't worry. I'll take good care of her." Robert assured, patting his arm as the car, containing Elsie, Robert, Mary, Matthew, O'Brien, Anna and Mrs. Crawley, sped off.

"And take care of you all we will." Cora assured from her place behind Carson. "If something's wrong we'll care for you all." Cora was hurt too and wished she knew what to think of her friend's probable condition.

He stood there, tears streaming down his cheeks, not wanting to admit how afraid he was. He was petrified when he should've been happy and so on top of fear, he was full of resentment.

"Thank you, m'lady." He gave a halfhearted smile and walked back into the house, heavyhearted.

….

Elsie was very touched with how Lord Grantham helped her every step of the way, easing her into her seat on the train and making sure she was comfortable before sitting across from her, Anna at her side, Mrs. Crawley at his. O'Brien sat by herself a few feet away, Mary and Matthew sat on their own as well.

"Thank you your lordship, this lad isn't so wonderful for his mum's back."

"August?" Isobel asked, smiling at the thought of another baby. Every so often she spent time with Benjamin and her godchildren, Charlie and Charlotte, usually having them over for tea.

"Early August." Elsie smiled halfheartedly, hoping that by then she'd still be alive to bear her baby, and that she'd have the knowledge she was going to live to see him grow up.

Isobel cringed but didn't say why, deciding not to tell her friend that summer babies were often harder on their mothers: the heat made them swell and get miserable, in her experience. Meanwhile, Elsie made Robert nervous because she looked much further along than she was, in some way almost ready to burst.

"It's twins again isn't it?" He asked Isobel quietly while Elsie tried to comfort Anna.

"Dr. Clarkson thinks not." Isobel merely said.

…..

Robert's uneasy feeling about Mrs. Carson continued all throughout their journey and peaked during her time on the stand. She seemed flush and nervous as they pressed her, and wondered if the look on her face bore any resemblance to his own when testifying, for he felt certainly flush, nervous, flustered and angry all at once.

Lord Grantham would never forget the sounds that filled the room when the judgment was made that day. The look on his friend's face, the slamming of the gavel and the way that Anna cried out in utter anguish would never leave him, or any of them.

Both he and Elsie had been manipulated on the stand. He felt awful for it and terrified for his friend, but Mrs. Carson was just devastated and kept apologizing to Anna. After a long meeting with Murray they were once again on the train on their way home. Isobel held Anna in her arms as she cried and Robert sat consoling Elsie, glad that the extreme upset of the day hadn't caused her to go into labor, he'd heard that could happen and because of her previous miscarriage he was worried about it.

"Are you alright, Mrs. Carson?" He asked, bringing her a glass of orange juice he'd gotten.

"Yes. I think so, m'lord."

"It wasn't our fault you must know that." He told her.

"I do… but I could've done something more. I feel like it's my fault he's guilty."

'Ha done something more.' Robert thought. He was a Lord and he felt helpless.

"It's not." Anna assured through her tears. "Neither of you, you couldn't have done anything further."

Elsie was surprised at how well he was caring for her, personally waiting on her, asking if she was alright, helping her sit, getting her something to drink… she wouldn't have supposed he knew how to do that and moreover she was his maid it was shocking he would do it, even though he was a kind man who she'd known for many, many years. But technically she was also his wife's good friend…

"I know you don't think it will be alright but I promise you." Robert began, the pretense of strength soothing him. "I will not rest until John Bates is a free man."

Elsie's stared off into space, wondering if she'd ever be alright again, the angst in her heart was unbearable and she couldn't help but think that she'd slipped on the stand, while so upset about her own well-being, and changed Mr. Bates' destiny in the process.


	28. Waiting

Ch 28- Waiting

April 1919

"Mummy what are they doing in there?" Charlie asked, knocking gently on his mother's stomach.

The twins were growing increasing curious about the bump on their mother's middle by the day and as it grew, wanted to know more and more about it.

"Who?" She asked, overwhelmed but trying not to act like it.

Beryl watched, saying nothing as Elsie rested in her kitchen and the twins gathered around her.

"Those babies." Charlotte pointed.

"Sweet lass there's just going to be one wee one this time."

"But we're twins." Charlie protested.

"Yes my loves you are."

"We thought we'd get a new brother and sister like us." Charlotte explained.

The twins knew everyone wasn't a twin but thought everyone in their family would be. Charlotte had overheard something she wasn't supposed to about mummy loosing other twins, who weren't going to come after all, something which she'd of course passed on to her brother. The pair had been very saddened by this news and had, as a result, come to the understanding that all subsequent siblings would be twins.

"No my wee ones you're very special not many people are like you." She smiled, cupping Charlotte's cheek in her hand, a tear almost coming to her eye.

"But we want twins." Charlie complained.

"Cause we- we both want a baby to play with." Charlotte pouted.

She didn't say it, but like her father she was sick of hearing Mrs. Patmore consistently declare that the baby was a boy. She wanted a baby sister because she was in someway, lonely. She loved Charlie and Ben but she tired of being the only little girl around. She wanted someone to play dollies with.

"Oh love, Mummy would love more twins too." She said, biting her lip. If she hadn't miscarried she'd be almost ready to deliver those second twins and the thought saddened her more.

Elsie, you see, was under a lot of stress. Ethel was bothering her, and moreover she'd yet to hear back from the doctor about the biopsy.

"Mummy don't cry!" Charlotte burst as Beryl turned to look at her friend.

"Mummy no cry!" Charlie followed.

"Oh my lad and lass, I'm just, just a little tired." She lied, wiping her eyes with her fingers.

"Mummy? How'd he get in there?" Charlie asked and Beryl burst out laughing.

…..

Carson lay awake staring at his sleeping wife, a pained look on her face as she tossed about, obviously uncomfortable. He hesitated but laid his palm gently on the roundest part of her fastly growing stomach, his hand nearly covering the bump.

"What's going on with mummy?" He asked as the child kicked wildly. "Do you have four legs?" He giggled, pausing amid his fear. "I'm sure you know whatever it is… you hear her talk. Please just be good to her, be a calm little babe... for example you could start with not kicking so much while mummy's trying to sleep."

The baby replied with a swift kick in its father's hand that made its mother flinch and cry out in her sleep. Carson sighed, pausing for a moment longer as he felt the child wiggle within her, thinking back to the lump he'd felt several weeks back. He'd tried to put it out of his mind but could not. They hadn't had much sex while she was expecting the twins, nor had they shared their cottage for the first few months of the pregnancy, so he hadn't noticed many of the changes her body had gone through those first few months. Perhaps he just didn't know what to look for this time? He tried to tell himself, repeatedly, that she was just tired and her body different because of the baby. The lump couldn't possibly have anything to do with why she was so tired, so swollen and most of all, why she'd been acting so strangely: so upset.

But then he'd overheard her and Mrs. Patmore, and he knew she was keeping something from him: that something was wrong. Hurt by her secrecy, he figured all he could do was wait and pray and now that he'd shared the news with Cora, she felt the same. Carson bit his lip, and looked down when the baby kicked again.

"If nothing else my baby, you and I will make sure mummy knows how very loved she is." He said, tears coming to his eyes.

…

The Next Day

"Mummy do I have to go with you to help?" Charlotte asked once they were on the bus. She sat next to her mom on the bench, holding her doll, Lucy, tightly.

Charlotte was apprehensive about where they were going and about the idea of taking care of mummy all by herself. She had barely been out of their town and didn't know how to tell anyone who she was or where she was from except to say 'hi I'm Charlotte from Downton Abbey.' But even at four years old she didn't think anyone outside of their town would know what that met. What she didn't understand was that even being just a tiny girl; she was revered in the community because she was from Downton's nursery.

Elsie didn't feel she needed caring for: it was Carson who'd told their daughter, knowing they were going somewhere, to watch out for her mother.

"Yes my love." Elsie said, taking her little hand as she placed it on her fast growing stomach. "Are you a good mummy to your baby, Charlotte?"

The girl nodded quickly, a little pout played on her lips as she hugged her doll. Elsie ran her fingers through her daughter's hair, looking down at her sadly and realizing she might not live to see Charlotte hold her sibling like this, let alone get to be a mummy too. Elsie leaned down to kiss her, a single tear trickling down her cheek and onto the child's head. How cruel would that be, for her to wait years to be a mother only to die when the children were very small?

"Lucy." The child said, taking her single index finger and poking her mother's stomach.

"I like that name for a lass." Elsie smiled.

"What about boy baby?"

"I rather don't know yet. Daddy and I have to talk about it."

"Is it because of baby?" She asked.

"Hmm? Oh that you're coming with me? Yes it is, partially. Mostly it's because mummy wants time alone with her lass." Charlotte clapped and squealed when she said this. "And also mummy gets a wee bit tired because of baby and needs help carrying the basket."

Elsie had brought her because she hadn't really wanted to come alone. Charlotte would provide a diversion, and an excuse if she felt she needed to leave quickly.

"Why?"

"Because baby's heavy, and he's growing. Now Charlotte remember, we're not going to talk to Daddy about where we're going." Elsie reminded and the child nodded slowly.

"Why?" The four year old asked, sucking her thumb.

The thought of hiding something from her father made her upset, like her tummy was beginning to hurt and she didn't much like it. What she hadn't realized was that her father was well aware of where they were going and disapproved greatly.

"We're going to see some people who've asked for our help, do you remember Ethel? She hasn't worked at the house since you were a baby." Charlotte nodded. She did remember Ethel. "Ethel has her own baby, his name is Charlie, he's one and a half."

"Mummy that's funny, he has my brother's name and my daddy's!"

"Yes, yes he does."

"Mummy why are we taking them stuff?" She asked peering into the basket her mother had placed at her feet. It had all kinds of things inside it, ranging from food to baby clothes.

"Because Charlie and his Mummy don't have much of anything to wear or even to eat."

Charlotte gasped, her eyes wide. She had everything she could ever want on both those fronts. Charlotte had never gone hungry in her life. She and her brother shared in whatever lunch Benjamin was having, always eating with him and sometimes even with Lady Grantham herself. Lord Grantham, who liked the Carson children a lot, always gave them candy after lunch if he happened to be around. During the rest of the day, Mrs. Patmore spoiled the little girl and her brother with ice cream and treats (often Elsie had to remind the cook to stop). Some of the time, the twins and their parents would have dinner with the whole staff, but even at home, where they rarely ever were, the cupboards were always full and Charlotte always found herself stuffed before she went to bed.

Her mother and Anna made her beautiful clothes, and sometimes Cora would order things for her and Charlie when she had new clothes made for Benjamin. Compared to Charlie Parks, Charlotte Carson and her twin brother were very privileged children, honored by a community instead of outcast from it, and spoiled by everyone (including a Lord and Lady). So Charlotte didn't understand the concept of going without. Not at all.

"No food?" She questioned, wondering if her mother was absolutely sure.

"No food." Elsie reiterated, not wanting to tell her child she'd gone through periods in her own life without much food.

Charlotte was speechless, not really knowing what to think and took her mother's hand, staring off into space as they got off the bus.

"I don't know what their house is like." Elsie continued.

She paused, nervous about this now, figuring it would be quite a shock to the girl who, spent part of her time in an abbey and another portion of her time in a humble, but loving home with everything she could ever ask for. Elsie and her husband were no Lord and Lady but certainly did not go without compared with most people.

"Just don't say much, alright my lass?"

"But mummy, why doesn't he have anything to eat?" Charlotte asked.

Elsie sighed and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, bending down as best as she could to talk to her little girl. She paused, thinking for a moment about what to say and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Because not everybody has a daddy my sweetheart."

Charlotte's eyes widened in terror at this idea. She couldn't imagine life without her father, just thinking about it made her ache deep in the pit of her stomach and made her want to cry.

"I-I want my daddy!" She sobbed.

"Shuuu mummy's lass it's alright." She soothed, pulling Charlotte into her arms. The little girl cried, wrapping her arms around her mother tight. Elsie rocked her as best she could. "It's alright."

"Mummy that's sad." She pouted as she sucked her thumb.

"Yes, yes it is. A lot of people." Elsie began, deciding to use the war as an excuse. "Their fathers died in the war. As you get older; you'll come to know more people who've had that happen."

The kind little girl found her heart was heavy: she didn't want to know about this or anything like it and suddenly found herself glad that her daddy had been too old to go to the war. The thought was different for Elsie. If Charlotte couldn't handle the thought of a strange baby's father being dead how would she handle being told she only had months left with her own mother?

"Charlotte don't cry my love: that's just the way things are sometimes." Elsie sighed, swallowing her own tears as she held the girl.

"We can't stop it?" The girl asked, her voice wavering in fear.

"No. No lass we can't stop it." Elsie bit her lip and kissed her forehead.

…

Visiting Ethel was very emotionally challenging for Elsie, mostly because the younger woman's desperation mirrored what she felt inside. The more she thought of cancer; the more terrified she became. She couldn't bear to think of Carson growing bitter, the children growing up without her, the one under her heart never knowing her. It was when the idea of Charlotte forgetting her entered her mind that she really started to get really upset. It had been a long day and Charlotte napped on the way back to their village, her head in what was left of her mother's lap. Elsie cried silently as she ran her fingers through the little girl's hair.

"Mummy loves you so much baby girl." She whispered. "And she hopes she doesn't have to leave you."

Before that day Elsie never would've thought of her child, as _privileged_ per say but now it was clear that she was. Seeing Charlotte at Ethel's made her fully realize that her daughter knew nothing aside from life in a great house and a quaint cottage. Elsie came away from the experience shaken and a little proud. Obviously horrified by the life Ethel and her baby lived, tiny Charlotte who could've been reactive or even snobbish had been nothing but gracious and had even suggested they bring her brother next time so that the two Charlie's could meet.

Still, the contrast between her childhood and that of her daughter's was huge. Elsie realized that in some way her youth had been more like Charlie Parks' than Charlotte Carson's, in the way that she'd been much poorer and lived in harsh circumstances; having had a father who wasn't all that attentive and a baby sister who was so severely disabled. Elsie gulped again at the thought of Becky, running her hand over her belly and suddenly remembering an old worry: that whatever was wrong with Becky could be inherited and passed to her unborn baby. Elsie took a deep breath as Charlotte stirred on her lap and the bus came to an abrupt stop.

"Mummy! Mummy! Are you okay?"

"Yes lass I'm fine. We're home, would you like to have ice cream with mummy before going back to the house?"

Charlotte paused for a moment, nodding her head hesitantly after thinking about it. Part of her didn't want to do it. She was tired and felt sick and confused because she knew what Charlie and his mummy were going through was wrong. But she acquiesced, agreeing that ice cream would do them both good.

"Mummy?" She asked when they first got the treat. "Is baby getting ice cream too?"

"Hum?" Elsie asked, biting into hers before Charlotte did, seeming to be barely paying attention for a moment.

Half the reason she'd offered the ice cream was because she was craving it. Charlotte could tell that and paused for another moment just watching her mother eat.

"Does the baby eat what you eat?"

"Yes he does lass. He was the one who asked for the ice cream."

Charlotte giggled at this.

"Charlotte. Mummy loves you so much. Please, try not to be bothered about what you saw today. Mummy's proud of you for helping her be of help."

"Okay…"

Charlotte was proud, and had understood what she had done, but she was also confused about some things and had decided to ask her daddy about them when they returned to the abbey.

…

Two Hours Later

It was nearly time to ring the gong and everyone was busy, no one more so than Charles Carson who wondered why his twin children run amok downstairs when they should've been with their nanny. Elsie had been keeping the twins closer to her and having them with nanny far less often these past few weeks, something else that disturbed him and he couldn't figure out. As such he decided to say nothing on the matter and had instead done his best to multitask and balance work and fatherhood in the same breath, something his wife seemed able to do far better than he. He sat at his desk, looking at a ledger, watching Charlotte from out of the corner of his eye.

"Daddy?" Charlotte began, clinging to the side of her father's desk, allowing her chin to rest on the edge.

All he could see out of the corner of his eye was her big white bow clipped on the side of her red auburn hair and her tiny barely freckled nose gazing in his direction.

"Hmmm?" He asked, more focused on what he was looking at than his daughter's question.

"Thank you for all the food! And for pwetty dolly!" She cried, holding up Lucy.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Charlotte gave an exasperated sigh. "Cause some…"

"Because." He corrected sternly.

"Because some children don't have food...or dollies to pway with."

"Oh?" He asked, pretending he didn't know this. He knew exactly where it was coming from too and was not in the least pleased, but didn't let Charlotte know that.

"Or daddies to feed them." She looked up innocently, wanting confirmation that this was true.

"And who told you that?" He asked kindly, lifting her onto his lap. She sighed, hugging him in gratitude.

"Mummy."

"Mummy is quite right, sadly."

"Daddy how come?"

"It's nothing to worry yourself over my girl." He whispered, hugging her tight. But Charlotte knew there was more to it than what her mother had said and somehow; the little girl felt something was not being said.

"Daddy…" She hesitated.

"Yes my Charlotte." He asked, having turned back to his paperwork again, even though he still held her in his arms.

"Daddy. Do some kids really have mummies and daddies that aren't here anymore." She was nervously playing with the buttons on his jacket now.

Her heart pounded vigorously in her tiny chest and she didn't understand why. Carson felt it against his own chest. He placed his hand on her back and pat it slowly, trying to soothe her, his breath caught in her throat at her words. It alarmed him greatly that Elsie would've spoken to her about this: as if she were preparing her for something.

"Yes my beautiful little girl it's true." He kissed her cheek. "But daddy loves you, and there's no need to worry about that now." He reassured as his child hugged him tight.

…

At the same time…in Mrs. Carson's sitting room

"Charlie Carson. Can you tell Mummy what happened to her keys?" Elsie asked, doing her best to bend down to the little boy's level.

She'd been annoyed by the chatelaines and put them down on her desk a while ago. Ever since she'd started to get bigger they'd been bouncing up and hitting her belly as she walked making an awful noise. And when the baby kicked, they did the same, coming back and hitting her hard. For this reason, she'd elected to stop wearing them until after the baby was born.

Charlie shook his head no, trying his best to be very sincere.

"Mummy thinks you do." She accused gently.

"Nooo." He promised.

"No!" She tried to act surprised.

"Uh-huh." He said, half nodding.

"Very well m'lad." She eyed him carefully as she sat down in her chair.

Charlotte was spending the afternoon with her father but Charlie followed at his busy mother's heals as she went about her work. The little boy wanted her attention and spent hours trying to get it, walking behind her and taking eagerly as she waddled along, directing the maids. He noticed her attention went in every which way: toward the house, the maids and the baby she carried inside… but not to him. This was why he had taken the keys from her desk and hidden them. He knew she could not ignore them for long.

Charlie came and pressed his face up against her growing stomach. Elsie sighed, running her fingers through his hair, the affection almost painful for her. The twins were so attached to her and she to them; she didn't want to think about what would happen if she really was sick.

"My Mummy." He complained, poking her stomach. She watched him, thinking there was a bit of envy in his tone, as if he were accusing the baby of something.

"Yes my Charlie, I am your mummy lad, can you remember something for mummy?" She asked and he nodded. "No matter what happens I'll always be your mummy Charlie and I'll always, always love you so much more than you can understand. Please don't forget that m'lad ever."

"You didn't forget me?"

"What?"

"You spent the day with Charlotte and you're always with him." He pouted, pointing to her stomach.

"No, no my wee lad! Mummy could never forget her Charlie. He's so big and brave and important. And he loves him! Oh does she love him so much!" Elsie burst, biting her lip, feeling like she would cry when she said this.

He smiled up brightly when she promised this and blew her a kiss. Elsie giggled, leaning down as best she could to grab him and pull him closer to her. He started to laugh when he felt her start tickling him but was soon distracted, noticing an instant change when he touched his mother's midsection: something kicked him.

"Baby bwother?" He poked her belly with one finger.

"He could be. You could get another sister. But for now can you say hi baby?"

Charlie said nothing and just waived.

"No, no Charlie. He can't see you yet but he can hear you, can you say hello?"

"Hi, baby you want to play with some keys?" He asked.

"Charlie where are they?"

"Uh-oh."

"Daisy! What are these bloody chatelaines doing in the cake batter!"

Charlie jumped but Elsie started to laugh. "Oh Charlie you are my funny little boy. Come on, let's go get Daisy out of trouble."

…

Three Hours Later

"What are you doing?" The butler asked, arching his enormous left eyebrow just so as he walked downstairs.

Elsie was putting a basket together and he wondered what it was for. He was nervous and planned on confronting her tonight: about Ethel, the lump and some strange things the children had said that day. It was late, raining outside again and the twins were tucked away asleep in their room. Mrs. Carson swallowed nervously not wanting to explain herself. He gave a disappointed sigh, staring back at her plainly.

"I'm disappointed is all Elsie."

"You're disappointed in me?" She laughed. "For feeding a poor starving babe?"

"For bringing my daughter around that woman." He said.

"I…."

"I'm saying no. As a husband, I can only ask you to respect my wishes but as a father, I can say no and I'm saying NO, no more. No more of that woman around my beautiful, impressionable, innocent little child."

"Oh Charlie please don't be so cruel I don't want you to have to learn the hard way." She whispered. He did not realize he was referring to the difficulties of being a single parent.

"What do you mean?" He asked, raising his eyebrow higher. "And furthermore… I wish you'd open up to me, because I know something is wrong." He said, his demeanor changing suddenly, his eyes growing sad. He looked back at her practically pleading for her to open up to him.

Elsie said nothing and slowly began to unbutton her dress, his eyes widening in confusion as she did so. She'd forgone her corset, or any form of undergarment after the biopsy because her breasts hurt so badly, both of them now…and the baby was much too big to be stuffed inside a corset now anyway.

"Elsie what…."

She said nothing and removed the top of her dress completely, baring her scarred, bloodied, bare breast to him.

"Elsie!" He burst, beginning to cry. "What happened to you!"

"Charlie." She said, tears in her eyes now too. "It was such a happy time. I didn't want to tell you, we're having a baby and it's supposed to be a happy time… I might be dying Charlie!" She started sobbing, reaching up to cover her mouth.

"Oh!" He cried out, sheer pain piercing his heart as he took her in his arms. "Oh my Elsie, my precious Mrs. Carson." He cried as he held her. Charlie thought his heart had stopped beating, his stomach in his throat as he tried desperately too soothe his panicked wife.

She clung to him as they both sobbed. "I love you so much my love, we will get through this together." He told her, kissing her head. "I promise you. I promise you my love."

"Charlie don't make me promises you can't keep, but do assure me of one thing: love the children I've born you, don't become bitter, give them a happy home, the one we've made together and tell them how much their mother loves them." She sobbed.

"No my love." He soothed. "That will be your job one day."


	29. She Stole My Heart Away

Ch 29- She Stole My Heart Away

Early May 1919

"May I hold you and our babe as we fall asleep Mrs. Carson?" He asked as she climbed into bed.

Several weeks had passed and the time of Elsie's news on her illness was quickly drawing near: just days away. The two were nervous and were made more so by the coming events and the rapid change going on all around them and inside Elsie. The baby had grown tremendously in the past few weeks, making everything harder on his mother and more worrisome for his father. Carson didn't know how she would avoid having the child early… too early, he was afraid.

Within the next three weeks the house would also hold its annual cricket match (house verses village), the annual servant's ball, and then finally the family would depart for the social season in London…. and then there was Elsie's doctor's appointment.

Cora had tried to get Elsie to rest and instead allow her and Anna to share the duties of arranging all of the social events, but Mrs. Carson had insisted on going on: partially to take her mind off the fear of what was to come.

"I should like that very much Mr. Carson." She smiled, easing into his embrace. He held her close kissing her forehead as she sighed.

"I love you so much Mrs. Carson." He whispered as they closed their eyes. "I know you're afraid and so am I, but promise that somehow everything will be alright."

Elsie tilted her head to kiss him. "I love you too Mr. Carson whatever happens. Please never forget that, my love."

"You've shown me everyday. I could never forget."

Soothed, Elsie fell asleep in his strong embrace. But Carson lay awake, feeling his unborn child move, almost seeming to squirm inside his mother. He had enough experience with this now to note that the baby was getting stronger but also more cramped in the confined space it currently called home: this troubled him, after all there were still two and a half months left to go.

Eventually he fell fast asleep soothed by the gentle sound of the spring rain beginning to pour. Elsie turned around and sighed within his grasp, facing away from him just before Charlotte came in. The tiny girl stood at the edge of her parent's bed, listening to the soothing sound of her father's snoring. It was the middle of the night and nearly pitch black inside the cottage but she could make out her father's large frame holding her mother's much smaller one tight as they slept. He encircled her in his arms, holding her close from behind. Charlotte noted the large bump on her mother's middle that housed her impending baby sibling seemed bigger than it had even just a few hours before. She had come because she was scared, but didn't feel she had the heart to wake them now. They slept so peacefully and she wondered if the baby her mother carried was dreaming too.

Charlotte couldn't sleep and felt afraid. She had a premonition, as if something bad or unexpected were about to happen. The little girl climbed into her parent's bed and into her mother's arms. Even thought she was asleep, Elsie accepted her readily, cuddling her gently as if the gesture were perfectly natural even in sleep.

"Ni-ni mummy." Charlotte whispered. "I know something's wrong and I wove you always." She kissed her mother's nose before settling in and trying to go to sleep.

….

The Next Night- Downton Abbey

"Elsie!" Carson called, panicking when he saw smoke coming from her sitting room.

It was late and everyone else had gone to bed save the two of them. He grabbed a bucket of water and darted for her room coughing as he made his way through the smoke. He was startled, in the oddest of ways to find her sitting there laughing at him, a strange contraption on the table before her.

"What in heaven's is that?!" He pointed.

She giggled. "I was craving toast and I had a little money saved. I don't quite know how it works yet but if its any good we should get one for the kitchen here."

"You're b-bringing that into the house? With the children?"

"Your littlest lad likes the burnt pieces, I'm finding, so yes. I am." She said, biting into the last piece she'd made.

He sighed, both annoyed and relieved at once. "How can you be so… calm, Elsie?"

She stopped looking up at her husband's frightened eyes as he sat down across from her.

"It's because I don't know what else to do." She confessed.

"Is that why you left the twins to spend the night in the nursery?" He asked.

She shook her head. "It's _a_ reason…mostly its because I'm too tired to care for them right now. They were already sleepy when I went up and I need the time to myself… Charlie we have a lot to discuss."

"I- I rather think we do."

They'd left so much unsaid since she'd revealed her possible diagnosis to him and now that it loomed large, the need to have a few difficult conversations was more pressing than ever before.

"First, this has nothing to do with the illness…. Well, not everything." She sighed. "As you can see. I'm getting bigger."

Carson couldn't believe how big she was getting. He'd been worried about it, wondering what could possibly be wrong to make her grow so fast, that was until his own twin children had caught his eye. In that moment, he wasn't sure why he hadn't thought of it before because it made all the sense in the world. The mere thought scared him senseless, especially given the possibility of his impending single fatherhood. He'd yet to bring it up to her and didn't know how he could but he was adamant that his wife must be expecting twins…. again.

Elsie took a deep breath, her hand on her stomach. She wasn't sure how she would tell him this, knowing it would upset him.

"I can't care for the twins much longer Charlie, not in my condition. I want them to go to London with the family and nanny for the summer season."

"What!" He was aghast. "Perhaps we could impose on Mrs. Patmore to…"

Elsie shook her head no. Carson was astounded: he'd never imagined her being willing to send the children away. She'd had issues discussing Charlie going away to school when he was older and couldn't comprehend how she'd be able to part with her toddlers for the summer.

"Cora said it would be alright, as did Anna, she's their godmother too, remember?"

"But surely Beryl and I can…"

"I'll miss my wee babies so much Mr. Carson, but I'm thinking realistically. There's going to be a lot of change around here and it will be easier on them with nanny. Where will we put them when I have the baby? Do you want them in the house, hearing me screaming out of my mind? I surely don't."

"T-that is a point." He cringed, not looking forward to hearing her scream as he had before. Charlie bristled at the thought, realizing that this time he'd be all alone with out Lord Grantham's shoulder to lean on.

"And worse, if I am ill and having a baby Charlie…there is no other way."

He sighed. "I suppose you're right."

"I'm sorry it's like this." She apologized.

"It's not your fault." He tried to reassure.

"Things are so scattered and uncertain we haven't even talked about any names yet." She reflected, sniffling as she stroked her stomach.

"My love, it will be alright, we'll just have to think of some names." He said quietly, placing one hand on her belly and taking the other in his own. "Elsie I… I promise you, I promise you if something is wrong I will raise them well. I'll never get over loosing you, it will haunt me forever… but I promise that I will, somehow be the loving daddy they've always known, and that this little one deserves to know. I will raise them to be happy, to be everything they can be and to know their mother loves them very much."

By this time she was crying. He held her face in his hands and leaned over kissing her forehead.

"My Elsie… may I go to the doctor with you tomorrow?"

"No." She swallowed nervously, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Why ever not?"

"Because I can't bear to see the look on your face if he tells me I'm dying."

…

The Next Day

You would never know it, but the littlest Carson blinked and shifted uncomfortably within the confines of its mother, disliking her intense, quickly shifting emotions. The baby knew next to nothing but could still feel something was not right and knew that its mother was very upset. Early experience with traumatic situations in the womb would make the child especially sensitive and loving toward people in pain later on.

Elsie's heart pounded erratically, causing the baby to kick back hard with both feet, eagerly soliciting a response from its overburdened mother. Elsie laid her hand on her side but didn't otherwise respond to the baby's inquiry.

"It's alright." Beryl whispered, wrapping her arm around Elsie. "Dr. Clarkson's not even here yet."

Elsie, who'd been calm the night before, found herself in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack. It was the moment of truth and all of their fears about her illness and their future (or lack of one) were crashing down on her. Carson waited anxiously at home, wanting, in the worst way for the day to just end, whatever would come.

"I don't want to die." She cried quietly. Her hand remained affixed to her side, the baby's kicking making the whole ordeal worse for her, serving as a reminder that this child might never know her.

….

"Carson, are you alright?" Mary asked, knocking on his Pantry door, causing him to jump.

"Oh yes-yes m'lady is there anything I can do for you?"

Mary stared back sadly. She'd found him at his desk, his head in his hands. She thought she was praying and had never seen him so worried or full of fear and the idea of it shook her to the core.

"We'll take care of you you know, all of you." She told him. "You, the twins… the baby."

"For that I'm grateful, m'lady."

Mary pulled up a chair and sat on the other side of his desk, taking his hand.

"I am here for you." She said and he looked up in surprise.

Mary had been like a daughter to Carson long before he had one of his own and although life had changed drastically for them both, he still held a soft spot in his heart for her. He wanted the twins there with him, but he couldn't emotionally handle caring for them in the moment and supposed Elsie had been right in deciding to send them to London, given all that could happen in the next few months. Moreover, he didn't want them to know how worried he was.

"Thank you, m'lady it means the world to me."

"How are you feeling?"

"Afraid. And afraid I can't be a father alone, m'lady may I speak out of turn?"

"It's your office." She blinked.

Carson paused, wondering if he could really say something so personal to Lady Mary. He gulped and continued on, realizing no one would understand his words or forgive him for them like she would. "Mrs. Carson and I have wanted children since you were a child." He began and she nodded, remembering being told the whole story when the twins were first expected.

"And I…" He swallowed nervously, wondering how he could utter such a phrase. "I'm a little upset about the little one. I-I want him or her but Mrs. Carson has gone through so much in having this child and I feel…. Guilty and a bit too old now especially if I'm going to have to be a father of three on my own."

Carson choked on his words, barely believing he'd uttered something so personal to her. She smiled kindly in a way that seemed highly uncharacteristic of her.

"Oh Carson. Don't worry. One thing I always knew about you is that you would make a wonderful father. I don't think the twins have any complaints."

He managed to smile a little at this. "Thank you for that."

"Can I get _you_ anything Carson?"

He looked up in disbelief at the suggestion that she might serve him. "Pray for a miracle."

….

"Hello Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Patmore." Dr. Clarkson came in at once.

"H-hello." Beryl greeted.

Elsie said nothing, clinging to her friend's hand tightly as he sat down and opened her file. She began to shake, realizing she wasn't ready for this and that she wished Charlie were there with her. Not having him come had been a horrendous mistake.

"Well." Clarkson sighed. Mrs. Patmore's heart slowed, noting he seemed disappointed. "It t took a while as there was excess blood in the sample that made it a bit inconclusive at first…."

Elsie gulped, her stomach and brain seeming to flip a full three sixty and back again as he spoke, dancing around the subject. Soon she found she was not listening to a word he said at all and her mind wandered toward the abyss of death and the inevitability of loosing everything, and of her husband and children loosing everything. Beryl squeezed her hand.

"So in short, I'm happy to say, Mrs. Carson you do not have cancer."

"There you see!" Beryl gasped, cheering suddenly. "Elsie, you're all right!"

"W-I am!" Elsie burst, her heart jumping. She'd never been so relieved in the whole of her life.

"Yes. Quite fine Mrs. Carson, it's a benign cyst nothing harmful, although I think I might still like to have it out at some point. There is just one thing…"

"What?" She asked turning away from Beryl the two were practically giddy with excitement that she was going to live.

"Well, two things actually. The pain in your other breast is the baby's fault."

"Hum?" The two women asked at once, exchanging glances.

"You have a pain in your other…" Beryl stopped, Elsie hadn't told her both of them hurt. "How's it his fault?"

He sighed he never knew exactly how to say sensitive things to women. "It hurts because you're swollen, and as the summer progresses, it will get worse which brings me to my second point. The child should be alright, but like with her siblings, I think you should be prepared to deliver far earlier than we thought."

…

Carson didn't know what to do with himself after Mary left. He still couldn't manage to take charge of his twins and instead, turned to polishing the silver. He'd met for it to be a mindless task that took his mind away from the worry at hand, but instead allowed it to wander to a place that focused only on Elsie: on their first days together, her smile, the curve of her perfectly round belly, her love of him and so many other things that made him ache and long to hold her forever.

'Soon.' He thought. 'She might not be yours any longer… you promised you can handle it but… how if you can not handle the thought of it?"

It was growing late and he was becoming increasingly worried. Surely someone would've called him had she been taken to the hospital? Suddenly he saw Elsie and Beryl come through the back door. He couldn't move and almost dropped the platter he was polishing. Carson watched carefully as she removed her coat and Beryl returned to the kitchen unable to read the expression on either woman's face. His heart began to thud as she approached him, fluffing her hair slightly as she made her way into his pantry.

"Charlie." She whispered.

He looked up, his breath caught in his throat, scared because she was whispering. "Y-you're home."

She bit her lip, unable to keep her lips from spreading into a smile. "Charlie I'm alright!" She burst.

"Wha-this is excellent news oh my Elsie!" He burst; dropping what he was doing and taking her into his arms. He swirled her around, holding her as he leaned her back and kissed her lips deeply. "My Elsie! My Elsie you're…"

"I'm fine Charlie. We're going to raise our family together after all!"

"Oh thank heaven and thank heaven for my Mrs. Carson!" He cried, laughing as tears poured down both their cheeks again. Beryl looked on from the other room, smiling deeply too.

Carson was so happy he wrapped his arms around her and began to dance.

"Charlie…"

"Well we do have a servant's ball to prepare for." He laughed. "Dashing away with the smoothing iron she stole my heart away!"

"Oh Charlie!" She gushed at his kind words.

"I love you Mrs. Carson." He said, kissing her deeply. "You would've stolen my heart away every day of the rest of my life no matter what. But I'm so thankful you'll be here to keep doing it!"

She kissed him again as the two of them continued to cry.

…

Three Days Later

"There are my handsome boys all dressed and ready to play." Elsie said.

Everyone was on the lawn, ready to start the annual cricket game. Charlie was excited because it was his first year dressing up like his daddy and all of the other men. Charlotte stood on the sidelines, helping her mother and watching him and Ben carefully as they followed their dads around with junior sized bats, pretending they were the real thing. Elsie thought it was the most adorable thing in the world.

"Daddy I want to play!" Charlie cried.

"Not quite this year m'lad but you're learning and getting closer."

Elsie sighed, putting her hand on her side. "This one very much wants to play a cricket game with his Daddy and his big brother."

"You don't know it's a boy." Carson told her.

Elsie laughed. "Oh yes I do. He's a boy."

Mrs. Carson walked up to her husband and kissed his cheek. He smiled down at her sweetly and he placed his palm on the side of her belly.

"I love you Mrs. Carson, you still steal my heart away." He whispered, smiling deeply. "And Samuel does too."

"Whose Samuel?" She asked, blinking back at him.

Carson laughed, leaning down to kiss her nose. "That's the baby's name."


	30. Carousel

Ch 30- Carousel

Late May 1919

Elsie groaned, muttering something in Gaelic as she rolled over.

"Elsie my love, are you alright?" He asked, rolling back over to his side of the bed and turning on the light.

"I'm alright and I'll be better once I get your giant baby out of me." She winced as she confided. "Oooh, Charlie how big can he get?!"

"Well you're not as big as you were with the twins…"

"They were twins! It isn't the same…"

Carson sighed, not wanting to start an argument about his belief that she was having twins once again. "Well, you only have..."

"Ten weeks and four days... or something like that." She said.

He raised an eyebrow; surprised with the specificity of the timing she gave. He didn't think they could predict it quite that accurately.

"That's not..."

"It's a long time!" She cried.

Carson sighed, helping her get a drink of water. He couldn't imagine nearly eleven more weeks of this. She was miserable enough already. It was then he recalled that Elsie probably wouldn't carry the baby all the way to the due date anyway. She been early with the twins and because of this child's size, Dr. Clarkson thought this baby would be early too. Realistically, they could have as little as six weeks and he strongly thought they did.

"It will happen soon enough." He reassured. "But for now, I think it's high time that you started to take it easy."

Elsie had been pushing herself hard lately and he didn't like it. He was afraid she would make herself ill or even hurt the baby.

"I have been!"

"No, you have not." He shook his head. "Starting tomorrow I think we'll have some serious changes at Downton and around here...at the house, you will sit in the kitchen with Mrs. Patmore and..."

"Good Lord no, Charlie she'll just keep feeding me!"

He gave an annoyed sigh. "On and off then. I just mean no going up and down the stairs so much, what if you fell? You could really hurt yourself and the baby. Command from your sitting room and send Anna up to inspect, it's what I would do!"

She laughed. "What _you_ would do. I couldn't imagine that!"

" _I_ insist Mrs. Carson. And after the twins leave, lots of rest, putting your feet up, no more cooking and no more Ethel."

"Oh but Charlie..."

"And one more thing: I don't know if it's a good idea, in your condition, to open up the servant's ball this year..."

"Lord Grantham and I always do its tradition! I'll be fine for the one dance." She promised, almost laughing and he sighed painfully. Carson just had a feeling she should slow down and he wished she'd listen. "Aren't you looking forward to the dance?"

"Well yes but…"

Carson paused, deciding not to tell her it wasn't the dance with her he was most looking forward to, although he thought she already knew that. This year, another woman had his heart and he found himself beyond excited about his time at the ball with her. His heart flipped at the thought of her tiny feet settling on top of his as he swayed her across the dance floor the first time, the sound of her laughter and the light in her bright blue eyes as she giggled. Deep inside, Carson suspected he would never dance with Charlotte at her wedding, or walk her down the aisle and in case he was right, he intended on making every little memory with her (and Charlie too) that he could: including being her first dance.

"Are _you_ alright?" She asked, looking over at him.

He paused for a moment before returning to the subject of their impending baby. "Well, truthfully Mrs. Hughes if someone had told me about the backaches, the food cravings that went along with becoming a father..."

"Charlie those are _my_ symptoms." She giggled, wondering what he was getting at.

"N-not quite. I have them all now too..."

Elsie laughed at his admission and kissed his cheek. "Oh you poor man!"

"No, I feel horrible for you, _especially_ when the indigestion sets in."

"Mr. Carson, we may be miserable, but we'll be quite fine I promise." She

smiled, settling back into her pillows.

Carson sighed, reaching over to turn off the light again before laying down beside her. She was right. Thinking about dancing with his Charlotte for the first time, put the misery of pregnancy that even he felt, into perspective: it was a labor of love.

"Even so, Mrs. Carson, I _am_ sorry for what you have to go through to have our child, it makes me feel all the more unworthy of you."

She sighed, partly asleep now as she laid her head against his shoulder. "Oh Charlie, nothing in the world could be more perfect for me than you."

...

The Next Morning

"I don't like this one it's a bit…. it's a bit tart." Elsie said, pausing for a moment as she put her fork down.

Beryl put her hand on her hip, a little affronted by her friend's newly found discerning pallet.

"Well you don't like any of them and whose letting you choose anyway you liked the pickle I gave you earlier covered in salt!"

"Mrs. Patmore we all know that's the best way to eat them." Elsie rolled her eyes.

She'd had enumerable odd cravings lately. Beryl couldn't believe they were becoming as extreme as they were, that Elsie didn't seem to notice, and that somehow she was only gaining weight around her middle. Beryl was trying to decide on a recipe for something for the upcoming servant's ball and for this reason found no help from Elsie. It was why Carson had brought up her cravings the previous evening. He shared some of them and others baffled him.

Beryl sighed. "You have the oddest cravings, I'm telling you if that baby's not a lad it'll be the surprise of a lifetime for me."

Elsie was about to ask what baby boys had to do with odd cravings when Jimmy walked by and without a word left the abbey's mail on the table at her side.

"Ooh the top one's something Mr. Carson's been expecting. I'll be right back."

Elsie paused in the doorway of her husband's pantry, watching as the twins giggled a mile a minute. They were playing a game with their father and both sat on his lap. Elsie smiled deeply as she watched the three play and laugh together, reflecting on what a perfect father he was and how wonderful life could be.

"Oh look it's your beautiful mummy. " Carson smiled, turning the twins' attention away from the game on his desk and to their mother.

"Hi mummy!" They squealed almost in unison.

"Hello my loves, I've been meaning to ask for a while now. How would my little lad and lass like to go to the fair?"

They'd just got word that a fair was coming to town in a few days and the house was all abuzz about it, well, parts of it were.

"Yay!" The twins clapped as their father eyed their mother disapprovingly, almost wanting to ask her what she'd started.

"Mummy I want go!" Charlotte cried.

"Me too, me too!" Charlie agreed, bouncing excitedly.

"Charles." Carson warned his son. "Calm down."

"Excited Daddy!" He explained.

"Pwease we want to go Daddy." Charlotte added.

"Yeah fun!" Charlie clapped as they climbed out of their dad's lap and went to their mother who bent down to see them as best as she could.

The twins had never been to a fair or anything like it, but they'd heard Daisy say that it was fun, that there were rides, games, ponies and candy and it was not to be missed! Carson sighed, looking back at his family. Sometimes, he felt overwhelmed by his three almost-redheads and outnumbered by their enthusiasm about things, an enthusiasm he didn't share.

"I'll think about it..." He hesitated, getting out of his chair.

"Alright my lad and my lass." Elsie smiled, bending down as best she could and kissing each of the children's faces. "Daddy will think about it isn't that exciting?"

"Yay!" They cheered.

"Daisy is going to take you back to nanny now. Mummy will come and pick you up before dinner."

Carson and Elsie lovingly said goodbye to the twins before sending them upstairs with Daisy.

"Daddy pwease." Charlotte had asked again when she kissed his cheek and Daisy took her hand.

"Daddy'll think about it, he promises."

"Daddy I wanna go, I wanna go!" Charlie burst when he bid farewell to his father.

"Calm down my boy. Daddy will think about it. Now hurry, get with you." He teased, kissing the little boy and tickling his ribs, causing him to giggle aloud. Carson smiled, sending his son on his way with Daisy and his sister.

"You're a good Daddy Charlie. But sometimes I wish you'd just make time for things _other_ than work." She said, beginning to open her own mail. "Take the time, celebrate with your children, with your happy little children that they are alive and well and so am I!" She wanted to go to the fair for this reason alone.

"Well when you put it that way it…what's wrong?" He almost jumped, noting the look on her face when she opened the letter she was holding. He was scared to death that it had something to do with her test results and that Clarkson had been wrong in saying she was fine.

"Charlie I've gotten a letter!" Her expression turned suddenly from one of shock to one of amusement.

"Oh. Who from?" He was suspicious now.

"Charlie there…there was a man I was seeing, just before I came to Downton…I've, I've told you about that before haven't I?"

"Oh yes when we were first married: Joe Burns I believe it was."

"Yes. Joe Burns. He wanted to marry me, and I wasn't keen on the idea. I said I'd think about it and I came here, and did well, and met you and fell in real love, true love." He smiled when she said this. "And of course after we married I never wrote back."

"Yet, he sees fit to write now. After nearly twenty-two years? He wants something." Carson said sternly, arching his eyebrow sharply.

"I suppose…. Charlie he wants to meet me at the fair!"

"WE'RE GOING." He said almost before Elsie finished her sentence.

…

"Benjamin I'm sorry honey but it's simply not done." Cora sighed sympathetically. "And we have a dinner guest that evening and the servant's ball the next night."

It was early in the evening, before the dinner gong but after Elsie had collected the twins from nanny. By this time, word of the fair had finally reached Benjamin Crawley's ears. The boy, who never asked for much, especially compared with his sister Mary, went down to join his own family in the library with the expectation that he might be allowed to attend the fair.

"Well I don't know about it not being done." Robert commented casually, not looking up from his paper.

"Mummy I want to go!" He cried. "Please! Charlie and Charlotte get to go please can I go."

"I'm surprised Carson would allow such a thing." Edith seemed perplexed.

"Can I ask Carson to take me?" Benjamin pled.

"No, you may not impose on Carson." Cora said.

Robert raised an eyebrow, glancing at his wife from over the top of his paper. The Carson's would be imposing on them for nearly an entire season, only Ben didn't know that yet. Robert wasn't against taking the twins to London, but he didn't see the problem with asking Carson if Benjamin could tag along for one evening.

"What's going on here?" Mary asked as she entered the room.

"He wants to go to the fair." Edith remarked.

"Benjamin I shall take you." Mary announced.

"You?" Cora asked, unable to hold back her surprise.

Robert put his paper down, exchanging glances with his middle daughter for a moment. Ben was too starry eyed to notice the family's astonishment and Edith almost flat out asked what the ulterior motive was.

"But why?" Robert burst, nearly gasping; his question was ignored.

"Really?" Ben asked. "You will?!" In excitement, the small boy disregarded his somewhat rocky relationship with his oldest sister.

"Yes really." She smiled. "I shall take you."

"How much does cousin Matthew have to do with this? I heard him say he was going." Edith finally remarked.

…

Two Nights Later

Carson held the twins' hands tightly as they walked into the fairgrounds, their little eyes widened in awe at all the lights and displays all around them. They'd never seen anything shine so bright or move so fast in their young lives. They were a little scared but even more intrigued.

"Daddy it pwetty!" Charlotte cried.

"Yes my sweetheart it is." He smiled.

"Daddy it shiny." Charlie added, pointing to one of the rides.

"Yes my son, it is." He laughed. "Hey you two, here we go." He said, crying out a little as he picked them both up and placed them on his shoulders. Said task was difficult for him but he felt like doing it, wanting to show off the twins when they were in public together. It didn't matter that they were four years old, he was still just as awed by them, as he'd been the day they were born and every bit as excited to show them off too.

Both of them giggled in delight. The twins felt impervious in their place atop their father's broad, capable shoulders. To them, Daddy made the world their own, and completely safe. Charlie clapped from his place atop his shoulders, and Charlotte kissed the top of his head, saying: "Good Daddy!" Carson's heart melted a little; so happy she thought he was a good Daddy.

Truthfully, Carson felt very hurt with his wife of over twenty years out with this old beau. He wasn't in the slightest bit comfortable with it; even if she had dumped the man for him in the first place, and even if she had just gone out with him to reject him again, and explain she was very married and the mother of toddler twins who happened to look just like her. Carson held the twins close and kissed their cheeks, seeking comfort in them.

"Rides Daddy." Charlie cried, pointing to the carousel.

"Candy." Charlotte pled.

"Hmm first things first, didn't we promise Mummy we wouldn't have too many sweets?"

"Nooooo." They lied, shaking their heads in unison.

"Yes, yes we did. But how about cotton candy first?" He asked, laughing as he placed the twins back on their feet, tickling each of them lightly and kissing their cheeks again as he did so.

The twins giggled with joy and Lady Mary watched, smiling from a distance as she boarded the carousel with her baby brother.

"You're here for Matthew." Ben accused as she stood next to him, securing him on the horse she put him on.

"Shuuu. I am not." She almost teased.

Ben was delighted that his sister had brought him, even if he'd come to realize it was for her benefit and not his own. Like the twins, he was enthralled in the seemingly enchanted world of the carnival. But secretly, Ben watched the twins with their dad, wishing his own parents were there, celebrating with him. In that moment, as the carousel started up, Ben Crawley promised himself that one day, when he had children of his own, he'd be more like Mr. Carson than his own father, and take them to the fair even if it was 'simply not done' because of his stature as a Lord.

...

Elsie felt nervous waiting for Joe. Perhaps she shouldn't do this? Perhaps her meeting with another man would cause scandal, bring damage to her and Charlie? Even to Lord Grantham and the house?

"What do you think m'lad?" She asked the baby, feeling him shift inside at her question. "If it sounds like mummy's getting into a spot, can you help get her out of it?"

She wasn't prepared to see Joe at all, let alone like this and wondered how much she was about to shock him. Either way, she supposed that being so heavily pregnant with another man's baby was a good way to turn off unwanted advances of this sort. Tired on her feet, Elsie was about to leave the meeting place and go find her husband and twins when she finally heard a faintly familiar Scottish lilt calling her name.

"Mrs. Hughes! Elsie?" He asked as she approached, she turned to him and smiled, watching his face drop as she came into fuller view. "Elsie I…wow…" He couldn't help but say.

He was going to say she hadn't changed. And she hadn't much, not from the shoulders up anyway. Now he didn't know what to say or what he was doing there. He'd never expected to come and find her pregnant. In his mind, death might've been more of a concern than pregnancy.

"I'm supposing this is not what you had expected."

"No-no, its not." He still seemed very surprised.

"I'm married, Joe. Very, very married." Elsie laughed, placing her hands on either side of her belly. "As you can see."

"How long?" He asked as they began to walk together. He wondered if it was new, if he'd come just a bit too late, if this was her first but very late in life baby.

"1896."

"N-ninety-six! Elsie that's when I asked you…"

Joe felt more a fool than ever. He'd come there to ask her to marry him, as he had many years before. His wife had recently died and he couldn't stand the loneliness. He figured that by now she'd had her fun and her freedom in her career and might finally be ready to be a wife. He'd never expected she already was.

"And I came to Downton and fell in love with Mr. Carson, the butler. We married within weeks of meeting. We have three children, four year old twins, Charlie and Charlotte and of course, this one here, under his mummy's heart still."

Joe was taken aback by the joy that exuded from her, her matter of factness and manner of phrasing. He hated to admit it, because it wasn't what he'd hoped to find, but she was surely different from the farm girl he'd known so long ago... at least as far as he knew.

"I never would've expected you to still be having…" He stopped himself, feeling it was improper to continue down that path. "It's wonderful news."

The two stopped for an ice cream together, sitting at a small table. Elsie was grateful; she'd been craving the ice cream.

She sighed, placing her palm over her belly. "It's a bit late in life for me, but boy do I love them, do you have children?"

He'd imagined her with children many times, but not like this. For a second he wondered if he'd still want her this way; his son was grown and while he loved children he thought he was ready for grandchildren, not more young dependents.

"A son. I take it your happy?" He wanted to ensure. Joe was a kind man and a good soul, but when it came to being a match for Elsie he was no Charlie Carson and without even meeting him, Joe knew that.

"Oh very."

There'd not been a second when she'd regretted or questioned running off with Charlie Carson, not from the moment she took his hand and left the abbey with him all those years before.

"Wow." Joe laughed. "I'm sorry Mrs..."

"Carson."

"Mrs. Carson, I just can't believe it at our age to be having a…I'm sorry but you know what I…"

"Yes I do." She laughed. "It's alright to say it. I know I'm starting late. It just happened this way, and I'm glad my children missed the war."

Joe put his head down, but didn't let on. His son hadn't missed the war and he'd barely survived.

"I am glad you're happy Elsie." He said sincerely.

In an odd way, finding her in this state was refreshing. They'd grown up together and were the same age. Her very pregnant condition made him realize he was still young, young enough for the hope of a completely different and unforeseen future.

"Very. Oh Joe you wouldn't have wanted me." She knew he felt bad and while the topic wasn't exactly appropriate, she'd known this man since they were small children and wanted to make him feel better about her having rejected him. She knew he was hurt.

"Why not? Of course I would've. Anyone would." He laughed, not confessing that he always had. "And can I meet this husband and these twins of yours?"

Elsie smiled bittersweetly, realizing that if she'd chosen Joe over her Charlie she never would've had a baby, as a farmer's wife she would've never been able to afford the operation. What an irony.

...

After a while, the twins grew tired and it was almost time to meet up with Elsie again. Carson put Charlie on his shoulders and took Charlotte by the hand, surprised in a way that he'd had a good time and didn't want to wind the evening down. More than anything though, he was anxious to see if Elsie was all right.

"It's time to go and find mummy." He told them.

"Noooo!" The twins complained.

"Can we play with mummy here?" Charlotte asked suddenly.

"If she feels like it." He said.

"Where is my mummy?" Charlie asked.

"Seeing a very old friend." He said, not wanting to explain the truth about Joe to his children.

Carson felt somewhat comforted that the baby served as his representative and a stark reminder of his existence in this case and was very glad that his youngest child, whoever he or she was, went along on this little date with its mother.

"Daddy look, its Ben again." Charlotte said, pointing out her friend and his much older sister.

"Daddy can we play for a while?" Charlie inquired.

Carson was a little stumped. They played with Ben almost every day and didn't know how to deny the request when Lady Mary flagged him down.

"Alright." He said, putting then in line with Ben who was going to get a balloon. "But just for a few minutes."

"Carson." Mary smiled.

"I'm surprised you brought him m'lady." If anything, he would've thought Edith or Mrs. Crawley would bring him.

"Someone had to." She sighed. "He's done the things he's supposed to, why shouldn't he be rewarded with going to the fair?"

"Humm?" He paused, wanting to admit that he'd only brought his own children because he'd been forced to.

"You're a great father, do you still feel too old for another, Carson?" He turned to her a little surprised at her question and she continued. "I've been watching you with them, I haven't seen even one other father playing with their children the way you do."

"Well most haven't waited as long as me." He answered simply. "You're a better sister than you realize."

"Don't ask Edith."

"Do you still feel too unlovable for Mr. Crawley?"

Mary was more surprised at his question and simply stared back at him. He was right she had come to the fair to show the man she loved a softer side of herself.

"I know I've spoken out of turn." He said when the twins ran back into his arms. He placed Charlie on his shoulders again and took Charlotte's hand. "And for that I'm sorry but I had to say it."

"No." Mary paused, smiling as he watched him take his little daughter's hand. "Carson thank you, you are always right."

Mary swallowed hard. She did feel unlovable at times and it was one of the things she was allowing to get in the way of her relationship with Matthew. It was also one of the reasons why she was so close to Carson. Seeing him with his twins that night reminded her of that. He was enormously attentive to his own children, just as he had been to her when she was little and it meant the world to her. He was an emotional anchor for her, one who often made her feel more human than she otherwise might have. Carson, (being in an odd way, the only one who was even close to being as snobby as she was), was also the only one able to soften her spirit and make her see straight. He always gave her the best of insights and now she wondered if perhaps it was time to stop trying to prove herself.

Mary panicked suddenly, when Carson and the twins walked away, realizing that Ben had not returned. She looked up when she heard the unmistakable sound of her father's laughter, surprised to find Ben in his arms and Cora at his side, the little boy obviously delighted.

"They came after all." She said quietly.

"It was my idea." Violet spoke and Mary jumped.

"Granny?" This made no sense to Mary.

"Yes. I thought they should go with him and that you should go in another direction."

"What are you doing here?" She asked, shocked by her presence.

"Quietly playing matchmaker." She laughed, seeming very humored with herself as she nodded to her right and began to walk away.

Mary looked up to find her grandmother following Isobel and Dr. Clarkson from a safe distance.

...

"Mummy! Mummy!" Charlotte cried, running straight for her mom.

Carson didn't know what to expect and had sent Charlotte ahead of him a bit when he'd first spotted Elsie, keeping Charlie atop his shoulders. The little boy could see his mother from a distance and became increasingly panicked, and slowly angered as she came into view. What was that man doing there? Who was he?

"Why is that man with my mummy!" He burst. Carson raised an eyebrow; surprised his son was so quick to show his anger.

He cleared his throat, pretending he felt any better about the situation. "She's just an old friend, from when mummy was a little girl. It'd be like if you were our age and Charlotte saw Benjamin after many…"

"Nuh uh Daddy. Ben likes Charlotte everyone knows that!"

Carson paused and shook his head, the thought too much for him, especially on a night like this.

"Daddy!" Charlie burst. "Oh no what if he likes mummy too!"

"Charlotte my love! Come to mummy. This is my oldest, Charlotte. Come here, sit on what's left of your mum's lap and say hello to Mr. Burns. We grew up together."

"Like me and Benjamin?" She asked, crawling onto her mother's knees.

"Kind of my lass." Elsie ran her fingers through her daughter's hair.

Mr. Burns was taken a back by Charlotte. For him, just looking at her was a bit like taking a trip back in time to another world. He didn't think it was possible to look more like Elsie.

"Well hello, you look like the image of your mum when she was your age."

"Hello. Mummy do I look just like you?" She asked, turning around to look at her mom.

"Yes you look just like me lass." She laughed.

Charlotte tilted her head as she looked back at the man, wondering why her mom would be meeting with him. The idea seemed strange to her and she wondered for a split second, if her mum had ever felt the way about him that she did about Benjamin. The idea of that unsettled the little girl a bit, making her feel like there was a rock in her stomach. She was too young to understand or convey how she felt about Ben exactly, and much, too much of a daddy's girl still to think of it much... but still, Charlotte knew that the idea of mummy liking Mr. Burns like she liked Ben hurt her: she liked Ben like mummy liked daddy... whatever that meant. She sighed, leaning back against her mother's stomach for solace, the baby kicking her hard in the back.

"Ow! Mummy she kicked me!" Charlotte couldn't help but call out; she bit her lip, trying to keep from crying.

"Oh love mummy's sorry." Elsie giggled, rubbing Charlotte's back. "She kicks me all of the time."

"Elsie." Carson called. They all looked up as he approached, Charlie on his shoulders.

"Mr. Burns, this is my husband, Mr. Carson. Mr. Carson, my little Charlie this is Mr. Burns."

Charlie made a face (he watched from atop his father's shoulders, his chin resting on his head), wondering who this man was and why he'd been alone with his mummy.

Charlie furrowed his brow, studying the man and giving him a dissatisfied, almost suspicious gaze. Joe caught on to the boy's feeling about him, but ignored it, even as the toddler leaned forward as if to challenge him.

"How do you do?" Carson managed.

"G-good to finally meet you…"

Elsie watched a little humored, and a bit nervous as her husband reached out to shake Joe's hand. She could tell both men were nervous, jealous, hurt and in some way, relieved to finally meet. It was an odd feeling for her; being the source of their contention with one another. The idea that two men could want her, and could dislike each other for her sake felt strange but somehow very satisfying.

...

"I can tell you're hurt Mr. Carson." Elsie said as they walked.

"Hmmm?" He held her hand, swinging it back and forth in his own as the twins toddled a bit ahead of them, excited about going on a couple of rides with their mother before going home.

"Oh Charles Carson you silly man. I could never love anyone in the whole universe like I love you." She kissed his cheek.

He sighed, smiling bittersweetly. "I trust you, Mrs. Carson... always, but it hurt me a little. That's all. The idea that ... the idea that you could've been with him ... or with anybody but me scares me Elsie. That you could've said yes and never come here and…."

"Shhhhuuu." She soothed, stopping and turning to him when they saw the twins run up to Ben and Lord and Lady Grantham. Elsie took Carson's hand and placed it on her side. "You feel that?"

He smiled down at her belly, not saying a word as the baby kicked back hard; swinging its tiny feet rapidly.

"My feelings for Mr. Burns are partially what made me come here: I liked him I will admit that. He's the right sort. But I didn't. I didn't love him. I didn't desire him." She whispered that part. "But do you feel _that_ Charlie?" She whispered. "That is how much I love you written in our shared in flesh, blood and bone."

"Oh my Elsie." He whispered, a tear in his eye.

"You know, from the first time he asked I wasn't sure I wanted to go out with him, but from the first time you and I met, I was sure I wanted to carry this baby."

…

Two Nights Later

"This, my girl, is the dance I've been waiting for all evening." Carson whispered, taking Charlotte's tiny hands as she stepped on his feet.

"Daddy I be waiting for you too!" She cried, delightfully.

The ball had just begun and the room was abuzz. It started when Lord

Grantham took Elsie's hand, Carson took Cora's and on it went. After the first dance, Cora and Carson had parted ways. She took Bates' hand and he took his Charlotte's.

The little girl smiled up eagerly at her father, her tiny hands wrapped around his as best as she could manage. He did the work of dancing for her as he swayed her across the floor, her dress twirling as they went.

Meanwhile, Lord Grantham still had Elsie, he'd been afraid to dance with her in the first place and was almost afraid to let her go too.

"Ooh!" He cried out when he felt something jab him in the rib.

"Oh I'm sorry m'lord!' Elsie was almost panicked. "I'm sorry he's quite active and he doesn't know that…"

Robert began to laugh. "He's a strong little fellow isn't he?"

Elsie blushed, a little embarrassed. "Yes m'lord he is. But don't mention a thing to Mr. Carson, he's very excited about the possibility of another lass."

"I see that." Robert remarked, as the two turned to see Carson still dancing with Charlotte.

The sight made Elsie's heart practically sing. She smiled deeply, watching as her husband looked down at their daughter with such love, and she in turn was entranced. In that moment, Charlie ran up to his father, wanting to be held too and so Carson picked him up and kissed his cheek, putting him on his shoulders as he continued his dance with his daughter. The sight made Lord Grantham a little sad, wishing in particular that his youngest daughter were there to dance with and not off in Ireland.

"Oh I'm sorry." Elsie said again when the baby kicked.

"It's alright Mrs. Carson, who doesn't like to dance? And it is twins, isn't it?"

…

"Are you alright?" He asked as they walked back to the house.

It was a warm late spring night and almost pitch dark out save the fireflies that danced in an ever-evolving sequence across the grassy landscape and the lantern Elsie held that lit their path home.

She'd danced all night: first with Lord Grantham, then the twins, then Thomas, Dr. Clarkson, Charlie on his own, and then finally for the rest of the evening with her beloved. Carson wasn't exactly excited that she'd been on her feet so long, but he couldn't complain that he'd spent a lovely night with his beautiful, happy wife in his arms. They hadn't realized that all eyes had been on them for the bulk of the evening. They'd danced beautifully; perfectly in sync with each other their foreheads touching and eyes glued the entire time.

"It's perfectly romantic, you must admit." Cora swooned, whispering to her husband.

'That.' Four-year-old Ben had said to himself as he watched the Carson's. He paused, thinking about how he'd been searching for a definition for a long time now and being four and not exceptionally well spoken for his age, he'd never come up with anything so exacting as the vision before him. 'That.' He said to himself. 'Is how I feel about Charlotte.'

Elsie, more tired than ever on her feet, held the lantern while Carson carried their very exhausted twins, one snoring on each of his shoulders.

"I'm wonderful Charlie." She smiled up at him. "You must admit it's been a very fun couple of weeks: the ball, the cricket match, the faire with our babies, an old flame." She teased and he stared back almost resentfully for a moment before sighing. "And after tomorrow night, it'll never be the same." She gulped as they stopped at their front door, tears threatening to pour down her cheeks.

Tomorrow, they would reveal to the twins that they would be going to London with the family for the bulk of the summer, the following day they'd put their babies on a train and send them away for far too long and on Monday, they'd begin preparing and then waiting to have a baby. One thing was for sure: it was all coming far too fast and far too slow at once.

Carson sighed, opening the door. "It's the carousel of life Mrs. Hughes, if we're lucky it never stops turning."


	31. The Summer of 1919

Ch 31- The Summer of 1919

June 1, 1919

Elsie smiled deeply, listening as her husband's formidable voice raised an octave, creeping into a soft whisper as he read to their little girl. Charlotte was an inquisitive little thing who never tired of learning, and hearing new stories. This one she found funny rather than intriguing. The four-year-old giggled a mile a minute, burying her face in her father's chest. Elsie blushed, looking down at the roses she was tending to as she listened to her husband and daughter, the sound of their mixed laughter precious to her: she could've never known, just a few years ago that life could be so perfect.

"Daddy. Read more, read more!" She begged excitedly.

"Mmmm." Carson considered, kissing the top of his daughter's head.

He adored Charlotte. She was the apple of his eye and in many ways, the love he'd been waiting for his whole life. He doted on her, and was immensely proud of her in a way he never had been of anything else… that's not to say that Elsie wasn't the love of his life, or that he didn't also adore his son to the utmost degree, but with Charlotte it was different. He felt protective of her in away he'd never thought possible… Charlotte was his mini Elsie.

"I think it's your turn to read to Daddy." He told her, picking up another book. Charlotte looked up at her father, her tiny eyes wide. "You can do it, I have faith in you."

Charlotte took a deep breath not realizing her mother was listening from outside where she kneeled, tending to the roses just below the cottage's open window. Carson had been fast at work teaching both the twins how to read. Elsie thought it was a bit too soon, but approved nonetheless.

"Once upon a time, there were four little rabbits and their names were Flopsy, Mopsy, C-c…"

"Cotton-tail."

"Cotton-tail and Peter."

Elsie looked up at the sky when she felt a raindrop land on her head, realizing it was about to start pouring. She gathered the roses she'd just cut and quickly headed inside, beginning to shut the windows.

"Very, very good my love." Carson praised.

"Yes Charlotte, I heard you, mummy was very impressed."

Charlotte squealed, proud of herself: she knew it wasn't typical for someone her age to be able to read. Benjamin was going to be a Lord and he couldn't read! Daisy was a grown up and she could almost read better than her. And Charlie, he just wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about the whole thing as she. Often, Carson had to force his small son to partake in the lessons he gave, which why he was upstairs now building a fort.

Charlotte had a sense of pride about her abilities but not self-importance. Elsie hadn't understood at first why Carson had decided to teach the twins so young and nearly two years before they'd begin school, but she'd understood his reasoning at once when he looked at the twins one night while they played quietly by the fire and said:

"Because oh my aren't they special?" He'd said. "Times are changing and I'm always the last to admit that but, she is smart and he is eager. They're ours and what we have to give to the world Mrs. Hughes, so our girl and our boy will have every advantage we can give."

"Daddy should I keep reading?" Charlotte asked.

"If you'd like, but I need to help your mummy with dinner."

"No, no." Elsie said. "Your mummy is just fine, just keep reading my little one."

Truthfully Elsie liked the sound of her little girl reading and wanted to just keep listening. After tonight, the cottage would get very quiet for weeks and she wanted to hear her baby's voices as much as she could before they left.

"Very well." Carson cleared his throat and Charlotte continued reading, only needing help with a few words here and there.

"Mama I help you!" Charlie said excitedly as he came down the stairs, his teddy bear in hand.

"You will!" She smiled, getting on her knees as her son ran into her arms.

She kissed his cheek and hugged him tight, pausing as she stuck her nose in his hair, making a point even to smell him before he left. She moved to pull away, but he resisted still clinging to her.

"Mummy loves you so much, my baby Charlie." She whispered, gently pressing her nose against his.

"Mama me love you too!" He whispered excitedly, his eyes sparkled as if this were a new discovery. "Mummy you hold me!" He reached for her.

Still on her knees, Elsie pulled him on her hip; amazed she could still do this while so pregnant. But Charlie's place there didn't last for more than a moment before he fell out of her arms and back on his feet. He tilted his head, looking back, perplexed at her belly.

"My mummy." He accused, pointing at the baby.

"My Charlie I wish I could hold you but the baby's too big now. Mummy is sorry."

Charlie made a face, still staring back jealously at his unborn sibling.

"Mummy will hold her lad as soon as she can." She kissed his cheek, getting up to start dinner. He didn't notice this was hard on his mother that she winced and braced herself, raising from her knees very slowly.

"My Charlie boy." Carson interrupted. "How about you come read too?"

He'd been planning on making the child read all afternoon. Carson held out his arms but Charlie shook his head, burying his face in his mother's skirt. She put her hand down over the back of his head, running her fingers through his hair, holding him close and not acknowledging her husband's request.

Carson sighed. "Come now, it's your turn to read to us and it's a new story, one about far off places, so there's no one more perfect to tell it than Charlie, now is there?" Carson gulped for a moment, wondering if he'd ever tell his son that his sense of adventure came from him, that in the days of his youth he too had wanted to see the world. "It's about New York." He tried to tempt his son. The little boy slowly looked up from his mother's side and agreed to try to read.

…

"We have some news for our lad and lass." Elsie said nervously as she and her husband sat across from the twins after dinner.

It was late now and the fire roared in the hearth. The twins were getting tired and were almost ready to go to bed. Elsie felt guilty, realizing they should've told them earlier in the day and worried the news might cause a sleepless night.

"Yes. You are going to go to London, with the family." Carson told them.

The twins tilted their little heads in confusion. They'd only ever been to London with the family once before, when mummy took them to see daddy for a couple of weeks the previous summer. Usually, daddy went and they stayed with mummy and Mrs. Patmore at home, yet other times daddy stayed and Thomas went in his place.

"Are we all going to go?" Charlie asked excitedly, thinking about seeing London with his dad.

"No m'lad. Just you and Charlotte will be going nanny and Lady Cora and Anna will be there to take care of you."

"B-but mummy." Charlotte protested, tears filling her eyes.

Both twins looked to their father in confusion, hoping he'd help them.

He sighed and Elsie spoke. "We want you to go and have a good time with Benjamin, Anna has promised me she will take you out and play with you..."

"And best yet, show you the city." Carson added.

"But why can't we be with you?" Charlotte asked.

"Auntie Patmore!" Charlie cried, wanting to stay with her instead.

"Oh my loves, mummy and daddy will miss you so much. If it weren't during the summer you'd just be staying at the abbey for a few days with Auntie Beryl or with nanny but…"

"But you're going to London because mummy needs to get ready to have the baby." Carson explained.

"And Auntie Beryl is going to be there when it's born and so…"

"Mummy we could help!" Charlotte offered.

"Yeah we could hold it and stuff." Charlie sniffled.

"Oh my loves, mummy will miss you so much. Please don't cry. It hurts her heart to have to send you away."

"Why do we have to go because baby is coming?" Charlotte asked, as her brother wrapped her arms around her and her father reached out to dry both his children's tears.

"You can't be here because having a baby is very hard." She admitted. "It would be better for you if you were in London, but mummy promises that she'll have you come home as soon as she can after, and when you do, you'll have a brand new baby brother or sister to play with, doesn't that sound nice?"

The twins paused and then started to cry again, causing both their parent's hearts to sink. Carson felt sick and Elsie started to cry.

"Mummy doesn't want it this way."

"Aunt Isobel?" Charlie questioned.

"No m'lad, she's going to help me get our baby into the world, just like she did with you. But we're very lucky we have people to help, who will care for you: you don't want to be here when mummy has the baby she promises you that."

"Why?" Charlotte asked, drying her tears. She cuddled close to her mother now and Carson put Charlie on his knee and hugged him tight from behind. The boy blubbered and turned around to face his father.

"Because it's going to hurt mummy a lot." She confessed, not really wanting to dwell on it or explain further.

"Oh no!" Charlotte cried. Both twins turned to her, concerned now. "Mummy cry?"

"Yes Charlotte, mummy cry."

"Did we hurt you mummy when we were borned?" Charlie was worried, and the question surprised his father.

"Yes my love you did. But it took nothing but having you in my arms for me to fall in love with you forever and it will be the same this time, only mummy and baby need some time to work out her being born and living in the world. She had that time with you both and now its her turn."

"Mummy?" Charlotte asked.

"Hmm?"

"Question!"

"Me too, me too! Mummy who's older?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah!" Charlotte interjected excitedly.

The twins had never thought much about this before, but suddenly supposed that one of them had to be born before the other. The Carson's exchanged worried glances wondering if it was all right to disclose this to their children at such a young age. Carson shook his head no, thinking it'd start too many arguments between the two, especially if Charlie knew he was the little brother.

"That is a discussion for when you're older." Elsie informed.

"Awwww!"

"Mummy why?!"

"Charlotte, what was your question?" Carson asked, trying to move the conversation forward.

"Mummy, how's the baby going to get out of there?" She pointed at her mother's stomach.

Carson and Elsie looked back in shock at their daughter's question. Carson was horrified, this was almost as if his baby girl had asked the opposite question: _'How did the baby get in_ there?' Meanwhile, Elsie was having a hard time wrapping her mind around her daughter's words. She'd given thought to it before of course, but with the date impending, and the baby still growing, she really wondered how the baby was going to get out … and the idea scared her.

…..

The next morning came far too quickly for everyone's tastes. When they got to the train station, Carson and Elsie got on their knees to say goodbye to their twins, not believing it was even happening. Charlotte was shaking, Charlie was on the verge of tears and both their parents felt sick.

"Try to have a good time m'lad." Carson said to his son, putting his cap on his head. "You're a smart, brave boy. I know you want to see far off places one day, my lovely lad this is just the start of your adventure." Carson smiled half-heartedly, anxious about letting the boy go and about to tear up. He was so very little, and at the heart of it, he wanted to spend the summer playing with his son.

Charlie was kind of encouraged by his father's words but really didn't want to leave him. "But daddy I miss you!" He cried.

"Oh my Charlie, I'll miss you too my son! And when you come home we'll spend a lot of time together, I promise."

"Cricket daddy?"

"Yes cricket my son." Carson managed to laugh softly. He hugged him tight and kissed his cheek. Charlie laid his head on his father's shoulder.

"Daddy no replace Charlie?" He asked sucking his thumb.

"Oh no, no little boy." He whispered. "There's only one little Charlie named for his daddy."

Charlotte's heart was beating fast and she found she couldn't look at her mom if she wanted to hold back her tears, so she focused on the feeling of the baby kicking vigorously against her tiny hands. She wished the baby would move over or simply disappear so she could hug her mother properly. She wanted so much to be held by her and never let go.

"I used to hit Charlie and Charlie used to hit me, but baby just hits mummy." She paused.

As the baby grew, Elsie was noticing distinct differences between her pregnancy with the twins and her current one and knew without a doubt she wasn't expecting twins this time. Her husband was still skeptical and would soon convince her she should be too.

"Mummy your tummy's very round. I'll miss it."

Elsie giggled at her daughter's words and took her in her arms as best as she could, kissing her forehead. "It should be my love, there's a baby inside of it and the next time you see me well…" Elsie paused, suddenly fearful that she might not make it through labor or see her twins again. She took a deep breath; knowing she couldn't think, like that. "When you see me again there will be a baby for you to meet: and you and I will spend some time together lass."

Suddenly the train's whistle blew and the conductor called for everyone to board.

"I'm sorry." Cora said, leaning down to the twin's level.

She and Robert were there, waiting to collect Charlie and Charlotte and take them onto the train. They understood that the twins did not want to go and wanted to help make the transition easier. The Carson's hugged each of the children several seconds longer, the twins switching back and forth between their parents several times before the conductor made the last call. Elsie kissed Charlie and Charlotte as Robert and Cora took their tiny hands.

"Say goodbye to mommy and daddy and good luck too." Cora instructed.

"Bye." The twins waived sadly.

"Good bye my loves." Elsie cried, her husband helping her up.

Lord and Lady Grantham each took a twin as they boarded the car, trying to soothe the sad, frightened children as they all bid farewell to their parents.

"Oh Charlie I can't." She cried, tears streaming down her cheeks as they watched their children through the window.

The twins settled into the car with the family, each climbing into a seat next to the window so they would wave goodbye to their parents. Elsie watched carefully as Cora took Charlotte on her lap and began whispering something to her. Carson waived and Elsie blew several kisses as the train lurched forward and slowly made its way down the track and out of sight.

"Don't cry." He soothed.

"Oh my babies." She cried. "Did we do the right thing?"

"We did the right thing." He said, rubbing her lower back softly and turning her around with him.

"I want you to start going with me." She said, sniffling as they walked. "I go in the afternoon tomorrow."

"Hmm? To where?"

"To Dr. Clarkson's." She said, rubbing her side. "Nothing much happens there; it's mostly about the baby's heart and when he's going to be born. But you'd want to hear your baby's heart wouldn't you Mr. Carson?"

…

"Are you okay Charlotte?" Cora whispered as the boys gathered around Robert who was unveiling a new toy he'd bought and thought might entertain them on the train.

Even Mary and Edith were focused on the toy Robert had brought but Charlotte remained in Cora's embrace. She paused for a moment, sucking her thumb now instead of answering the lady. She wasn't much interested in the toy or anything else and remained quietly on Cora's lap.

Cora continued. "Charlotte, I just want to let you know that your mommy loves you so much, you know that right?" She nodded. "She'll miss you too. And I will be here for you and Charlie, just like mommy would, while we're in London and any time you ever need it Charlotte."

Charlotte nodded, saying little else and but beginning to think hard on what Cora had just said, almost understanding how significant it was that she would be there anytime she _ever_ needed her. Charlotte squeezed the woman's fingers softly in reply.

…..

"I'm sorry to call you over now with the twins going away this morning." Isobel said, clasping her hands together as she hurriedly let Elsie into the house. "I'm afraid she's acting rather irrationally and in haste."

"What has she got up to now?" Elsie inquired as Isobel's maid took her bag.

Isobel stopped, her hand on the doorknob when they reached the sitting room. "Perhaps it wasn't best to ask you to come in your condition either, she's acting out of desperation and it _will_ no doubt be upsetting."

"Mrs. Crawley I don't really see an alternative, other than her acting in haste."

"I suppose not. Well, I we mustn't delay the inevitable … if you're sure you're ready."

"I'm sure." She nodded, knowing that whatever was behind the door would need no explanation.

Elsie was a little surprised to find the Bryant's there in Isobel's sitting room with Ethel and little Charlie, who'd grown quite a bit since she last saw him and seemed very interested both in the new surroundings and in all the people. He recognized Elsie instantly and smiled a little from his place on his mother's lap. Isobel sat Elsie across from Ethel and adjacent from the Bryant's. Both women could sense the tension in the room, and the discontent created by the conversation they had just walked into and as a result were hesitant to sit down.

Greetings weren't even exchanged before Mr. Bryant went back to work insulting poor Ethel. In those short few minutes, Elsie and Isobel got a good taste of the man's character and heart and were unsettled by what they found there.

'Surely.' Isobel wanted to cry out. 'You couldn't think of giving your son over to a man like this: to become this.'

Instead, Isobel handled the bulk of the mediation between a frayed Ethel and Mr. Bryant. Mrs. Bryant tried her best to remain calm, obviously shaken by her husband's continual harsh words about Ethel's path in life. And Elsie struggled not to be sick all over the floor. She knew she'd encouraged Ethel to do this, because it was the right thing for her: she knew it. But the babe under her own heart didn't make things easier emotionally. He or she did somersaults inside her, kicking frantically every time Mr. Bryant spoke.

'I don't like the man either.' She wanted to say.

If she didn't know better, she'd say her baby were in a panic, it had, after all already been a very emotional day. Elsie felt a little betrayed when Isobel got up to get some tea, taking Ethel with her. At this point all the upset was getting to her. She'd come here in turmoil about saying goodbye to her own children, and now she found herself even more stressed over Bryant's attitude, his tone of voice, his meanness and finally the weight of Ethel's decision. What if she'd steered her in the wrong direction all this time? She'd done all she could do to help up till now and she'd known it was not enough.

All her emotion manifested in the baby's intense reaction to this chaotic scene. Elsie took a deep breath, thinking she'd say or do anything to calm the child that wrestled inside of her. For a moment she even thought she might be in labor and considered that she might ask Mrs. Crawley for a music box and a lie down before venturing home, just to be sure. Even so, she watched the Bryant's interact with Charlie, feigning a small smile.

'Ouch!' She almost yelped, this time pressing her hand to her side.

The baby's kicking, felt much like nagging. She wondered if somehow, her baby was trying to discourage her from allowing Ethel to go through with it. She wasn't completely comfortable with the idea, but unlike Mrs. Crawley, she understood that it was the best alternative. Elsie was stuck in her own thoughts for a few moments, the idea of a mother giving up her child crushed her, especially now that she currently carried one of hers inside her. She couldn't imagine allowing anything in the world to separate her from that baby. In that moment she felt oddly better about the twins, who were not gone forever but off with people she trusted. Elsie almost cried out again when she felt another strong kick, this time she started to wonder if it came from four feet, not two.

"Mrs. Hughes." Some people outside the house still knew her as Mrs. Hughes.

Elsie looked up, surprised when she heard Mr. Bryant say something she hadn't really expected to be spoken to.

"Oh? It's Mrs. Carson actually." She hadn't wanted Mr. Bryant to get the idea that she wasn't married, not that she cared much about what he thought of her.

"Like Carson, Lord Grantham's butler?" Mrs. Bryant asked excitedly.

"Yes ma'am he's my husband."

"Thank you for watching after our Grandson Mrs. Carson, for making sure he was alright when he was with…that woman."

Elsie was unsure of what to say for a moment. She couldn't very well honor his disgusting opinion by saying something like you're welcome. Instead she decided to stand by Ethel.

"She was a good worker and a wonderful mother."

Elsie wasn't normally so bold but found Mr. Bryant disgusting. She saw him bristle at her comment but Mrs. Bryant smiled over his shoulder, seeming to agree with her. She wanted to press further, knowing that Cora wouldn't take any complaint about her seriously, especially not in this case but she refrained. Her thoughts turned to her own twins and how she knew they would miss the little boy they'd grown accustomed to playing with.

"Charlie, my own little Charlie and Charlotte will miss playing with you."

"You let your children!" Mr. Bryant stopped in the middle of his speech, seeming to catch himself. Elsie wondered if he wasn't going to say _'You let your children around him_.' Instead he gathered himself and continued as Mrs. Bryant pulled Charlie onto her lap. "I mean it was nice of you to let your children play with Charlie, considering…"

"Well actually, the Carson twins have known Ethel since they were younger than Charlie." Isobel explained, coming back into the room, Ethel at her heals. "Before any of these awful things befell her."

….

Elsie said nothing more throughout the whole exchange, save some soothing words to Ethel, and walked home with a heavy heart, feeling guilty both for her role in this and also for the fact that she was going home, her own child tucked safely inside her. Elsie walked for a while, trying to grapple, as a mother, with what had happened. She was devastated about being apart from her children for a matter of weeks, but couldn't imagine what it would be like to say goodbye forever let alone give them away to unkind people she barely knew. Elsie wondered if perhaps the feeling compared at all to her previous longing for a baby, or to what her miscarriage had felt like, but she knew it didn't, it couldn't. Letting her twins go and live far away with strangers, would be the only comparable feeling, and Elsie couldn't even let herself consider it. Meanwhile the baby's kicking subsided but the dull pain in her sides continued, waning little as she walked. She made her way back to Downton heavy hearted, and with the assumption that either this really was twins or she was going to have it very soon.

…...

Elsie's heart ached as she made her way through the abbey's back door. She was upset and longed for the soothing arms of her husband. She smiled sweetly, surprised to find him right there, waiting for her, when she arrived. She paused, noting he did _NOT_ look pleased.

"Charlie?"

"I can not believe you went over there. I've banned everyone from doing so when she is there, and then my own wife…"

Elsie stopped, shocked at his words, wondering how he'd even found out. She didn't think word about these things traveled quite _this_ fast. It would turn out the Bryant's had stopped by to see Lord Grantham and told Carson of her involvement and the whole ordeal when he answered the door.

"Well your son didn't make it any easier." She said, retiring to her sitting room.

"Charlie, he's in London by now, how did..."

"This one." She said, her back to him as she picked up the mail on her desk. She really did not feel like arguing.

"Oh .… ?" He was curious.

"Charlie he kicked me so hard I thought he was on his way!"

"Oh!" He almost panicked.

"He's a good soul, he didn't like the situation, or Mr. Bryant. Reminded me of his Daddy."

"Oh. You don't say?" He asked kindly, forgetting his anger with her for a moment. He wanted to know more, but was more worried about why she'd gone that day. "Elsie why did you do it? I asked you to stop helping her, I have a good mind to turn you over my knee!"

Elsie started to laugh. "I'm too pregnant to fit over your knee! And yes, you're really going to spank me when you've never raised a hand to me in over twenty-years of marriage?"

"Mrs. Hughes, I'm deeply hurt by what's happened. I never considered my wife a woman with no standards!"

"Mr. Carson, it isn't 1904, no one has your standards anymore! And what do you not want your children around me now?"

"Well… it does disturb me they've been around Ethel and that baby."

"That baby! What about this baby now? Do you want me to rip him out and hand him to you so that he won't have to be around Ethel? OH!" She yelped, doubling over a little bit.

"Elsie!" He cried, reaching to catch her. "My love what's wrong?" He asked, his heart racing, worried he'd caused her to go into labor with his stupid argument. He'd been half teasing.

Elsie closed her eyes tight, wincing, playing it up. She smiled suddenly, placing his hand on her side. He smiled in an instant and leaned into kiss her.

"I'm so very sorry, my Elsie."

"I love you no matter how stuffy and judgmental you are."

"Elsie I, I'm sorry I get upset about Ethel and her son. It's simply that you're my queen, and I cherish the honor you gave to me to keep." He confessed, tears in his eyes as he kissed her hands.

"Oh my Charlie." She sighed softly. "I love you so much for that, for cherishing my honor. It means the whole of the world." She told him as he leaned in to kiss her once more. "To your children and me. Charlie."

"My Elsie."

"Mr. Carson I think you might be right. I think I have two babies inside of me."

…..

"Sorry Mrs. Carson, just a little pinch."

"Ow!" Elsie almost yelled, wincing when Dr. Clarkson stuck her finger with a needle.

Carson cringed, watching as a bit of blood began to pour out of his wife's finger. Dr. Clarkson collected some of it and sent it away with the nurse before wrapping a tissue around it and squeezing it tightly to halt the bleeding.

"Sorry." He apologized again. "It's pretty standard now really. I know the twins are still very small but a lot has changed since you had them."

Elsie was about to ask what he'd taken blood for, and hoped it had nothing to do with the cancer scare but Carson spoke first.

"Actually twins are what brought us here." He said.

"Oh?"

"Yes, and bad pain in my back. I've been having this distinct feeling that I'm about to have another set or perhaps oooh." She winced. "There it is again. I have one every few hours."

"I see."

"It's the kicking mainly… I think it's far too strong for just the one, and some of the pain too strong to not be labor."

Clarkson paused for a moment, knowing exactly what the problem was. He was hesitant to just come out and say it, still embarrassed by what happened the last time. Carson had thought Elsie was having twins all along and Clarkson remembered ignoring or dismissing him every time he brought it up. He didn't want to repeat history, especially given that he'd been wrong the first time.

"Mrs. Carson ... the miscarriage. I hate to bring it up, but I do have to say it would be very extraordinary for one woman to have conceived three sets of twins. Alright, if you'll just lay back a few moments."

The couple was nervous as he began to feel her stomach. She winced a few times because it was uncomfortable. Clarkson didn't know what to say really, he couldn't tell, truly, if it was twins just like he couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. Really, he only knew if the child was dead or alive, and if it was growing properly and he felt pressured by Carson's insistence on the matter.

He sighed. "First, it sounds to me as if you're having false labor, the body is preparing itself for the real thing. Unless the pains get stronger, and closer together you can rest easy and know it isn't real."

"It's not dangerous?" Carson asked.

"No, no. It just lets us know the time is nearing itself."

Elsie sighed with relief, ecstatic that the baby could come soon.

"And as far as twins… I really am not sure. It's too difficult to say at this stage." He admitted.

Clarkson knew something else was wrong and didn't want to waste another moment on the concept of twins. He couldn't speak to it and it didn't matter to Elsie's overall condition. Carson was about to protest when the nurse came back with a file. She left and he opened it. Dr. Clarkson paused for a moment, biting his lip; the couple could tell he was concerned about something.

"Something wrong?" Carson asked quickly.

"Your test results came back."

"For what?" She asked quickly.

"Blood sugar, Mrs. Carson. It would seem you have something known as gestational diabetes. It should clear up on its own, once the baby's born."

…..

The Carson's walked back to the abbey in silence. While worried about Elsie he was overwhelmed by, having just heard his child's heartbeat. He'd never heard anything like it in his life and the sound of the little heart quickly going _thud-thud-thud-_ _ **thud**_ resonated soundly in his ears and his soul, making him feel somehow powerful and all at once weak in the knees. It made him love his wife and baby all the more; thinking about the child and its life in this way almost put him in a trance and he said nothing to Elsie until she squeezed his hand.

"Are you alright?" He asked suddenly. Elsie sighed as they walked hand in hand unsure what to think of her new diagnosis. Diabetes could be serious it was hard to imagine she had it and that it would go away after a short time. "Do you think it's dangerous?" He asked, clearly worried.

"If handled properly, no." She was already miserable and would deal with what she had to in the next month, but was relieved that the diabetes wouldn't follow her beyond the child's birth.

"I should've called ahead to Mrs. Patmore about the menu. This is her fault you know." He chastised.

"No it's that your giant baby has a sweet tooth … and a salty one too."

He laughed. "My giant baby?"

"Yes. I know for certain he's a Mr. Carson sized lad."

…

Three hours later Elsie sat alone in the servant's hall waiting for everyone to join her. She wasn't hungry at all but tired, in pain and already missing Charlie and Charlotte.

"Are you alright?" Beryl asked as she began to serve dinner.

She'd been overly concerned about Elsie's diet ever since she found out about the diabetes and was afraid to feed her anything. Beryl watched as Elsie took a deep breath, trying to focus on the little bit of pain she felt. 'Hopefully it'll be over in a minute.' She thought. The more she considered it, the more she agreed about her discomfort being false labor and not twins.

"Yes. I think I'm fine." She managed.

"But diabetes is very serious isn't it?" Beryl was clearly concerned.

"It's the baby's fault and explains a lot about his size for one thing."

"It's not twins?" Beryl asked, surprised as everyone sat down.

"Well we don't know for sure." Carson interjected.

"Of course it's twins, she always has a litter." Thomas muttered, opening his paper.

"Thomas!" Carson was enraged that he would say such a thing about his wife.

Elsie sighed putting her head down as she thought about the second set of twins she'd lost. Beryl watched as Carson took Thomas and threw him out the back door, telling him to have his dinner elsewhere. Normally, Thomas' snide comments were ignored, or frowned upon but now that it concerned Elsie, Carson lost it.

"It's hard to believe he was helpful that night." Beryl muttered, squeezing her friend's shoulder.

Believe it or not, Thomas had been immensely helpful to them when Elsie had had her miscarriage, in fact, Beryl didn't think they would've gotten through it without him.

"Everyone has their purpose Mrs. Patmore." Elsie sighed. "Unfortunately, his isn't to get along with people."

…

July 1919

"I miss mummy." Charlotte whined in her brother's ear.

"Me too." He yawned.

The children were exhausted. It was late at night and they were tucked in bed together, but lay awake staring up at the ceiling. It had taken a while, but the twins had adjusted to the Crawley's and their time in the city. Cora made sure they were not only cared for, but also, included and loved. She'd exposed both of them to finer things than what they were used to; bought them clothes, taken them to museums, let them come to dinner parties with Benjamin and so on. It was overwhelming to the twins and a new world they both quietly admitted they liked, a world they didn't know would one day be theirs. Even so, they both would've much rather been with their parents than here in London.

"I wanna go home." Charlie yawned again, closing his eyes.

"I wonder if we could figure out to call mummy and daddy?" Charlotte asked suddenly. Her brother's eyes flashed open.

"Yeah!" He almost yelled then bit his lip. "I think we could. I know the number."

"You do?" Charlotte was impressed. Her brother didn't pay much attention in 'school.' The idea that he'd committed the phone number to memory made her start to think differently about him. She couldn't do that. "What if we have to talk to an operator!"

"That's okay. I'll use a deep voice, maybe they'll think I'm daddy?"

The children snuck downstairs in the depth of the night, careful not to make much noise even in the midst of their excitement. They found the phone and pulled a step stool up to it, climbing up it and beginning the process of calling home, not realizing they were being watched. Thomas had come to London to fill Carson's shoes in the household not long after insulting Elsie about having twins again. He was in the process of closing up the house for the evening when he heard hurried giggling in the library and found the twins trying to use the phone. He chose not to intervene and waited around the corner wanting to see what they were going to do.

"It's ringing!" Charlotte cried.

"We did it!" Charlie clapped, almost dropping the phone.

"Hello?" Came a sleepy voice.

"Auntie Patmore!" They cried a bit too excitedly.

"Charlie, Charlotte what the, my heavens it's late!" Beryl was startled, wondering how they'd managed to call.

"We miss you but we miss mummy more." Charlotte admitted.

"Oh loves you know she's not here, she's home it's late."

"Oh." They whimpered.

"Daddy too?" Charlie asked.

"Yes. But I'm so glad to hear you, I miss you and they miss you … I'll make sure they call you in the morning. Now OFF TO BED!" She said sternly.

"Okay!" They said at once.

"We lobe you!"

"We lobe you auntie!"

The twins sighed in sudden sadness when they hung up but were at least happy to hear their auntie's voice. Both stopped when they heard someone clear his voice.

"Master Carson, Miss Carson, is there a reason you're still up?"

"Phone home!" Charlie cried.

"Want daddy." Charlotte bit her lip again.

Thomas sighed, pretending to be disappointed with them for a moment before picking them both up and putting them on his shoulders. "How about a bedtime story then, on the condition that you go to sleep."

…..

"This will have to do." Elsie sighed disappointingly, looking at the set up of their children's now very cramped room.

Several weeks after the twins left, she was bigger and more miserable than ever. She already missed her children more than she could bear to think about, and the news that they'd called looking for her last night made her heartsick. She wished she were in the condition to bring them home, or at least to go and visit them but it wasn't a good idea with the false labor being as relentless as it was. She was feeling up to less and less by the day and Clarkson thought the baby could come at any moment. Today they'd finally brought the cot into the room Charlie and Charlotte shared and put it against a far wall: it had dramatically changed the room.

"Elsie we never could've guessed that we'd have another…or that we'd have two in one shot to begin with."

The house had been a gift from Lord Grantham and at the time, everyone thought it was generously sized for the two of them, and one long-awaited child.

"No, although I'm mortified we could do that again. I don't think you're entirely wrong about twins. I think there's a chance."

"If we do." He sighed. "If we do we'll work it out. It's not the most spacious house but its not as if it's the smallest either."

"No." She admitted. He smiled, walking up to her and cupping her stomach in her hands.

"I love this babe Mrs. Hughes and I love you, we will find a way." He said, leaning down to kiss her. "You know what; I have an idea. Mrs. Carson, lets have bunk beds made. Two sets on each side of the far walls."

"Charlie that's four beds."

"I know but that way if they end up having friends stay, or we need the guest space or if this is twins... or if it's not our last..."

Elsie looked up in surprise. "Surely it'll be our last?" She raised an eyebrow but he wasn't sure.

"Oh Mrs. Carson. I don't know who we're having or what's to come." He sighed, looking down at her belly, his hands caressing it gently. "All I know is that it's a good way to be prepared for anything and that I have a surprise for you downstairs."

…..

Elsie was pleasantly surprised to find that he'd made her dinner, a sweet candlelit one at that. It'd been weeks since the twins left and despite talking to them on the phone almost every day she missed them so badly she'd been crying and Carson had been doing little things to try and encourage her. She knew Charlie and Charlotte were participating in a different world, attending parties, going to museums and fine shops… Elsie was glad for this but longed to have the children at her side. Moreover, she feared they'd have grown beyond her when they returned. She didn't realize yet, that nothing in their lives would ever compare to the way the twins felt about their parents.

"We haven't gotten too much time to discuss names Mrs. Carson." He said, beginning to pour a little bit of wine.

"Ooh, ooh Charlie stop, stop. I can just have a bit. I've been calling him Samuel." She soothed, smiling down at her belly. "It's a wonderful name."

He smiled. "If he is a boy, I am glad you should love to call him Samuel. It's a strong name, Samuel Carson and I happen to love it."

"It's a sweet name." She giggled. "And I'm sure he's my Samuel even so, I expect you have a name for a lass."

"Do you?"

"Perhaps. But I _know_ you do and since naming the twins was largely me I think it's your turn."

"Well yes but…"

"I'd love to hear it."

"Lucy Carson." He said, relieved to get the name off his chest. He'd been thinking it over for a while now and holding it, close to his heart.

"Oooh!" She cried, delighted by the suggestion. "Oooh Charlie, Charlie I love it so much. Lucy Carson."

Elsie swallowed hard, part of her wishing she could have Samuel and Lucy.

…..

July 31st, 1919, 4 AM

"Oh!" Elsie awoke, setting up straight, a sharp pain in her lower back.

"What?! What?!" Carson panicked, waking suddenly.

"Charlie it…" She winced, taking a breath.

He was awake instantly and moved into swift action, jumping out of bed and running his hand through his hair.

"Do you think it's false again?" He asked, reaching for his pants.

"I-I don't know." She took a deep breath. "Ooh! It was strong enough to wake me though." She considered. It hadn't been that way with the false labor she'd been having, she'd easy slept through that, and with the twins, Isobel had tried to have her nap and she'd been unable.

"Should I get Mrs. Crawley?" He asked.

"Hmm." She shook her head. "I-I can wait, if this is real, it'll take some time and I can wait until the morning."

"Y-you're sure?" He asked and she nodded. "Only if you're certain…" He hesitated.

She closed her eyes and reached out quickly to take his hand. He clasped it tightly, looking back at the clock and realizing what time it was. He paused, studying her face, realizing with a sense of complete relief (and panic all at once) that it was fully real this time.

"Do you see what time it is?" He asked. She winced, looking over at the clock, smiling suddenly at the suggestion. It was July 31st.

"Happy anniversary Mrs. Carson."

"And happy baby to you Mr. Carson." She smiled as he leaned her forehead against hers.

Note: For those of you who are anxious for the birth, yes, it's finally happening next chapter!


	32. God Has Heard

Ch 32- God Has Heard

July 31st, 1919 – 9 AM

Carson really wished he would not have stayed, but what choice did he have when she was suffering so and he'd promised to remain by her side not just for a few minutes, but this time, for the whole thing. Four hours had passed since Elsie woke up in pain and since then, not much had transpired. She was in bed, handling the pain well and Dr. Clarkson had just arrived.

"I think the two of you should rest." Dr. Clarkson recommended. "It's going to be a very long night."

"That sounds like a good idea." Carson agreed.

He was nervous and in a way, unsettled by the fact that his wife was not.

"You're in labor, but it's very slow. I have other births to attend to and appointments, but I'll be back to check on you and Mrs. Crawley will stay with you."

"I'll go downstairs for a while, and read until you need me, if you don't mind." Isobel told them.

"How long do you think it will be?" Elsie asked.

"Hours unless something happens very quickly. For now, you should stay in bed, and rest: you're going to need it."

"Walking, I feel like walking." Elsie winced. She felt like standing hurt less than lying down.

Dr. Clarkson paused, looking out the window. "Well, walking might speed things up a bit. If you feel comfortable with it, then I don't see why not." He shrugged and Carson was aghast.

"But…it's safe?" Carson asked.

"Very much so, yes. It might actually help. If you feel like doing it, I recommend it. I'll be back in an hour or so."

"I'll see Dr. Clarkson down." Isobel smiled.

"We're not… we're not going on a walk." Carson said as Elsie moved to get out of bed. "The very idea that…"

"Yes we are." Elsie replied, standing slowly. She took a deep breath; her back hurt so much now but she still felt well enough to walk around. "It's our anniversary, not everyone spends their wedding anniversary…oooh…having a baby and I think we should take some time for ourselves before the youngest Carson introduces herself."

…

"You're so beautiful like this." He paused, taking a moment just to look at her. It was bittersweet for him, he knew he'd never see her this way again and wanted to etch it permanently in his memory.

"Hmm?"

"You're beautiful all the time, but I can't tell you how exceptionally beautiful you are to me when you're carrying my baby." He quietly admitted.

"Oh Charlie." She blushed.

"It's true. I'd always dreamed of it, and its here and its time to say good bye to it and I can't believe that."

They'd walked quite a ways away from their cottage and into Downton's rose garden. She had yet to realize that he'd led her to this specific spot on purpose. He laid his hands on her stomach, as she placed hers at her sides and they felt their child move together. He leaned his forehead against hers and sighed sweetly.

"That's what love is Elsie the feel of how much I love you, this right here. I hope you won't ever forget it as I never could."

"I never could either Charlie."

She closed her eyes as he leaned down, kissing her passionately on the lips, their hands still on her middle. The warm summer breeze picked up, gently combing through her hair. Her eyes glimmering, as they pulled apart.

"My Charlie do you know where we are?" She beamed, a tear rolling down her cheek, thinking he didn't realize. He shook his head. "This is right where, you proposed to me!"

"And if I'd ever known, Mrs. Carson all the blessings we'd have! Or how much I really I can't live without you." He reminded her of what he'd said that night, right in that spot: 'Marry me now, tonight, because I can't live without you!'

She smiled, biting her lip, trying to keep from crying. "Oh my Charlie. I can't live without you either."

…..

Ten Hours Later

Carson never in his life thought he'd be here with his wife, holding her in his arms, steadying her as she bore their child. Nothing about it seemed in the least bit proper or right and instinctually he knew he shouldn't be there. He hated watching her suffer, and cry out and worse bleed. Somehow, he'd had no idea how much she would bleed. It rattled him to the core. There was so much blood already and no baby yet. He'd conveyed his concern to Clarkson and Isobel who'd both assured him that it wasn't even that much blood, but still, the idea of seeing her this way scared him…. and he could tell it terrified Daisy.

By now all the usual cast of characters was in attendance: Clarkson, Mrs. Crawley, himself, Beryl and Daisy. He found it both ridiculous and an invasion of privacy that so many people were there, in their bedroom with them at what seemed like such an intimate moment.

"Owww oh!" She cried, whimpering against his chest.

Many hours had passed since labor had begun and she was growing tired and weak. Elsie rested her face against his chest and cried as she leaned forward, groaning and doubling over against her still rotund baby bump. Carson tried to remain calm and ran his fingers gently through her sweat soaked hair. He'd only been there for mere minutes of her labor with the twins and now that he'd been there for hours with this one he realized he had had no idea (prior to this) what mothers went through.

"Can't we do anything more for her?" He asked as she let out another cry.

"When its over I can give her something, much more now though and I'm afraid it might put her under. I need her awake to give birth. The good news is that the baby's head is properly engaged, the bad is that well the baby's a bit…big."

"Big?" Carson asked.

"Bigger than I anticipated…the diabetes tends to do that to babies."

"Ahhhhhhh!" Elsie screamed. Everyone jumped and by the end of the contraction she was sobbing.

"Oh Elsie sweetheart." He whispered. He continued rubbing her back as both he and Beryl held her up.

"I'm done I'm really, really owww!"

"Please isn't there anything else you can do?" Carson pled.

"She was worse with the twins." Isobel voiced. "When Charlie was being born she didn't even understand what was happening I don't think."

"Nor do I." Beryl added, pressing a new wet compress against Elsie's forehead. She moaned and rested her head in her friend's hand.

Elsie was in excruciating pain now and felt that this was far worse than when she'd had the twins.

"Mrs. Carson I know you're in a lot of pain." Clarkson began and Elsie winced. "But the good news is now's the time to push."

Carson found he'd been truly dreading this part of the process. He didn't want to watch his wife suffer nor was he really ready to meet his youngest child.

Elsie screamed pushing into the pain as instructed; noting something about it didn't feel the same as before: there was so much more pressure. This time though, she had her Charlie, whispering in her ear, holding her hand, holding her leg back. On her other side; Beryl held her hand and leg, Daisy was nervously assisting Dr. Clarkson and Mrs. Crawley.

Carson wanted to watch as she pushed but was shy for a moment, how was he supposed to look at her there when everyone else was? As the proper man he was the idea mortified him. He supposed the doctor was par for the course, although he felt the uneasiest about this because he was a man and she his wife. Then there was Beryl who was not thinking twice about watching the baby's head emerge, in fact she was talking to it, cheering it on. He wasn't sure he wanted the first thing his child heard in life to be Beryl yelling at it. Then there was Daisy. She hated childbirth and yet she was the one who had the full view of everything from her place standing behind Clarkson, holding blankets. There was no hiding that she was mortified. Carson was also not sure she wanted his baby to be taken by Daisy when it came out… she was far too nervous.

"Ghhhhaaaaaaaaahhhh! No, no I need to stop, I need to stop find another way to do this!"

"Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Carson breathe deep there is no way out of this but through and it's your third time it'll be alright. You've done this before!" Isobel promised.

"Gnnaaaaaahhh ohoooh! Oooooh!" Elsie burst out crying.

"Elspeth my love." Carson whispered as Beryl rubbed her leg. "I know it's hard but you're part of the way there I see our baby's head and she's got her mummy's beautiful hair."

"Ghhhhh." She groaned, doubling over again.

"Mrs. Carson, he's a much bigger baby than his brother and sister. Take deep breaths, go slowly, let me know if you need to stop and we'll take a rest. Just don't panic."

Elsie started sobbing when she was asked to push again. "No, no, no. Please it hurts too much." She begged, laying her head back on her husband. "Ooooh!'

"It's alright. Love it's all right. I'm right here." Carson whispered.

"And we've got a head!" Beryl urged excitedly.

No one noticed Daisy's eyes widen; she remained transfixed in horror. Carson couldn't help but look. To him it was such a strange sight but a beautiful one; he couldn't believe that was his child.

"I know it hurts but hardest part, shoulders."

"Why'd you have to tell me it was the hardest part?!" She cried.

"Come on, I'll hold you." Carson whispered, wrapping his arms around her and taking both of her hands. "I know I can't take away the pain but let me try Elsie, just take all your pain out on me. You don't have to be scared you can just look at me." Carson promised, looking down into his wife's frightened, tear-stained eyes. She stared back at him as she cried, wincing with pain.

"Mrs. Carson she's been sitting too long you need to push again and much harder this time." Clarkson warned.

Elsie screamed again, the pressure far too much for her, but she was more determined now. A hard birth was what had caused Becky her lifelong ailment, and she wouldn't let the same thing happen to her baby because she was too tired. No one noticed Daisy turn away beginning to shake. By this point, Carson had disregarded his shyness and was watching it all, awed and horrified at once. Elsie leaned into him and Beryl reached over, wiping the hair out of her face. Even being in her husband's arms and having her best friend at her side didn't really ease her fears or her pain, but it did theirs.

"That's the shoulders Mrs. Carson."

"Oh my God!" She sobbed.

"It's over, hardest part is over." Isobel assured.

Carson could tell, just by the child's head that it was in fact much bigger than its siblings at birth. He looked back down at Elsie as she cried, wishing he'd insisted on going to the hospital earlier. He adored his Elsie beyond anything else and was quickly growing afraid for her wellbeing. He placed a kiss atop her head as she pushed, wishing he'd never put her there in the first place.

"Oh my sweetheart." He whispered as Beryl kept talking to the baby.

'Quit calling my daughter a boy! And if he is one, then quit screaming at him!'

He wanted to tell her…. he had insisted it was a girl many other times over the last few months, and all those times Elsie had jumped in, agreeing she thought she was carrying a boy. It wasn't that he wouldn't love his new son, of course he would, but he so desperately wanted a girl and he hated that Beryl kept saying he wouldn't get one. Even more, he wished she'd let the child come into the world in peace regardless of who he was.

"Just one more Mrs. Carson." Isobel reassured.

"This is it Elsie." Carson whispered. "You can do it, this is it."

"Ahhhgggghhhhhhhhhaaaaaaa!" Elsie screamed.

Carson held his breath, as his wife clutched his hands, watching intently as their baby was finally born. Elsie stopped, catching her breath and collapsing into him.

"Congratulations." Clarkson announced. "You have a little boy."

"Job well done my brave girl." He whispered, kissing her tenderly, taking the full weight of her in his arms.

Carson could feel his heart totally sink at the news he had another son. He'd wanted a daughter so badly his heart ached at the sight of his new child. He focused on it for a split second before realizing the room was silent, save his wife's tears.

"Charlie the baby…" She reminded.

He'd already known but had decided to focus on her: there were no tears; there was no sound at all. The room was deafly quiet. He held her tight and watched as the doctor attended to his lifeless baby, his heart pounding in his chest, wracked with sudden complete panic. Elsie sobbed but was too exhausted to lift her head to try to see what was going on. The baby had been fine only moments before she could feel it. She couldn't stand for anything to happen to her child, as it had with her own baby sister or the second set of twins she'd lost not even a year before.

"My baby, Charlie my baby…" She mumbled, beginning to panic.

"Sweetheart it's alright, it's alright." Carson whispered, he tried to hide it but she heard his voice breaking too.

"What on earth is the matter?!" Beryl panicked, starting to cry too. "What's wrong with my godson?"

Clarkson didn't answer and continued to work on the baby, Isobel didn't reply either. Just a few seconds later, the baby started to cry.

"There it is I knew he could do it." Isobel smiled.

Elsie sighed with relief through her tears and her husband leaned down to kiss her again, tears of joy in his own eyes as Clarkson held up the crying baby.

"Oh!" She sighed when she saw him first. Carson paused, knowing that look in her eye: instant love.

"Mr. and Mrs. Carson." Clarkson announced. "I'd like you to meet your son." The baby was sobbing now and placed gently on Elsie's chest.

Elsie sobbed as she scooped him up in her arms, holding him tight.

"Oh my darling boy, thank heaven for you!" She sobbed.

…

Carson remembered his breath leaving his body the first time his littlest boy was placed in his arms. By this time the child was wrapped in a baby blue blanket, a tiny cap adorned his little head. Carson cupped the baby's head in his hand tenderly, and looked down in pure awe, barely believing that it had happened again, or that he could've been hurt that Elsie had given him another beautiful son. It'd only been a few minutes since the birth but Dr. Clarkson had already left, needing to attend to another birth in town. Mrs. Crawley was caring for Elsie who was sore and exhausted but otherwise just fine. The wonderful woman she was, she was staying with them for a few nights so Elsie could stay off her feet and begin to heal.

The baby yawned, stretching a little bit in his father's hands. Carson watched his new little boy in awe, he was a big baby and it was obvious he hadn't had much room to move around during the last few weeks he'd spent inside his mother, something reflected by how scrunched up his face, hands and arms were. He stuck his tongue out and started sucking on his hand.

"He's hungry." Elsie observed sleepily, her Scottish brogue seeming especially thick to Carson.

"He's absolutely beautiful, my Mrs. Hughes." He told her, running his fingers through her hair, he paused, looking back at her adoringly, a hint of worry in his gaze.

"It's Mrs. Carson." She giggled, as he kissed her, noting there were tears rolling down his cheeks. She smiled, reaching over to graze her baby's cheek.

"Look at him Mrs. Hughes, our son is perfect." He paused, his eyes welling with tears. "He's got your hair." Carson would confess to you he was surprised just how strong her genes had turned out to be when put to the test. "He's got mummy's hair and his Daddy's eyes. Lucky for him, Mummy's nose!"

"And his Daddy's smile and his cheeks." She added. "He looks the part of my Mr. Carson for sure."

Sam already seemed much more of a Carson than a Hughes and for this, Charles Carson found himself especially overwhelmed. It wasn't that the twins looked nothing like him as much as it was that they had Elsie Hughes written all over them and with this child, well it was just more readily obvious he was Carson's little boy, much in the same way it was obvious that Lady Mary belonged to Cora.

"The twins will have fun with him." He remarked, studying the newborn's face. "There are bits of Charlie and Charlotte all over in him." He laughed.

Carson found it fun to sit there and hunt for pieces of his older children in the baby's face, which really, were just fine mixes of bits of him and Elsie.

"There are bits of all four of us: he completes us."

"Yes he does." Carson agreed. He leaned down and kissed his wife again, leaning his forehead against hers once he finished. "Are you alright?" He asked. "You are my treasure and I love you and I was worried to death the whole of that time."

She sensed worry in his tone. She still did not seem right to him in any sense of the word and in a way she wasn't.

"Look at the size of the lad how do you think I feel?"

"He is a rather large baby, Mrs. Hughes…"

"I told you: he's my Mr. Carson sized baby." She giggled. "He's going to be just his daddy's size one day and so I'm so sore Charlie, but I'll be alright because I have my beautiful boys." She reflected and he kissed her again.

"I'm so sorry my love I can't imagine going through that. Anything you need for me to do for you please, just let me know I…"

"Thank you my love." She smiled deeply. "Charlie I know you wanted another lass more than anything but…"

"Mrs. Carson I couldn't be happier with all the lass' in the world than I am with my Samuel. He's exceptional." He beamed, kissing the newborn's hand. "I have sons, Elsie. Lovely exceptional boys who make my heart swell with pride. Wonderful little boys."

Carson didn't say it, but something in his heart and mind changed when he'd watched Sam take his first breath. There was something exceptional about that moment, something that awed him beyond the ability to define it. He'd never felt such pride or humility as he did in that split moment of watching his son come to life and he felt fundamentally transformed by it. Now, his name would be carried on, twice over. Now he had two lads to play cricket with, to teach everything he knew to, to turn into good men.

"Elsie I never dreamed so much of sons and they feel wonderful." He bit his lip as he cried, looking down at the baby.

"Samuel." She said simply, his attention focused on the baby now.

"Hum?" He looked back at her, not understanding.

"Mr. Carson that's a wonderful name." She smiled, tears in her eyes. "Do you know what it means?"

"No, I just thought we'd talked about it before he was born; and rather liked it." He replied, not knowing she'd looked it up. He'd actually thought it was settled before he was born.

"It means God has heard."

Carson smiled suddenly. "And heard he has, my love."

"Samuel Charles Carson, you're an answer to your mummy and daddy's longing and prayers, for so many, many years."

"Oh yes you are my baby boy." Carson whispered, kissing his son as he and Elsie both began to cry. In an answer to your question, he's perfect, tremendously perfect my Mrs. Hughes." Carson smiled, nuzzling Elsie softly. She closed her eyes and sighed as he turned back to the baby. He laughed, rubbing his finger softly along the child's cheek. "Another perfect baby son."

"He's a beautiful wee boy." Elsie was still crying. "You certainly did a wonderful job Mr. Carson."

"No Mrs. Hughes, I think this was all you." He teased leaning over to kiss her.

"It was a little you." She whispered. "After all he looks like a little you, hello Sam." She soothed. "It's Mummy. Oh Charlie, Charlie let me hold him!"

Carson had spent the last nine months hoping for a second daughter. He'd honestly been somewhat disappointed when Dr. Clarkson had announced that it was a baby boy, but then when he hadn't cried, Carson had felt his whole soul seem to drop out of his body. He felt like he was freely falling and the sheer terror that overtook him in the moments between his son's birth and his eventual tears was the most frightening thing that he'd ever experienced in his many years of life, (years enough to be a grandfather and not a father, in fact). In those moments, pure love pierced his heart and he thought he'd do anything if it meant his son might live and he'd get to be a father to him.

"I love you my precious boy." She whispered, crying on the newborn boy. "Mummy loves you so, so very much."

Carson smiled, tears in his eyes, pride swelling within him as he watched his wife cradle their newborn baby son.

"Happy anniversary Mrs. Carson." He whispered. "I promised you it would be a life worth living."

"Happy anniversary my Charlie." She replied as he leaned down to kiss her. "I've never doubted that for a second."

….

Six Hours Later

"Waaaaa-aaaahhhh!"

"Shu, shu come here little chap, come here little chap lets have a chat shall we?" Carson soothed, picking up his tiny newborn son.

It didn't matter that Samuel was so much larger than his brother and sister had been at birth, he still seemed tiny to Carson. The boy's head and backside fit perfectly in the palm of his father's two hands.

"Shuuu my little lad it can't be that bad." He rocked the boy, rubbing his tiny back. "It can't be that bad. Come on, lets go wake mummy, yes lets wake mummy. Shhhhuu."

Carson climbed back into bed, gently waking his exhausted wife.

"Mmmmm." She mumbled. "Mmmm."

"Sweetheart, sweetheart I'm sorry to wake you up my love. I know you're exhausted, but he's very hungry I think."

"Charlie I'm so tired." She said, not opening her eyes. "Could you please, help me, just unbutton my nightgown a little and hold him while he…"

"Here, how about you hold Samuel and I hold you. Alright?" He whispered, holding her up before positioning their baby son in her arms. She closed her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder.

Carson watched, holding her close as the baby started to suckle. He breathed quietly as he ate and Carson smiled holding his wife and son close. Sam was a big baby and made his mother seem almost small, even being so tiny he overwhelmed her somehow.

"He's so big." He laughed.

"He's his father." She mumbled. "I know you wanted another lass but, how do you feel about your son?" She asked a second time, settling her head on his shoulder again and sighing.

" _Pride_ , Mrs. Hughes. I think he's just everything this little family didn't know it needed. He's perfect." They were happy, but didn't know they weren't complete before Sam. "How is my little lad's mummy?" He inquired, kissing the top of her head as she leaned against him.

"Sore, tired, but in love." She smiled.

"Did you hear that little lad, you've captured your first heart." He whispered, tickling the baby's cheek. "Your first two hearts. Mrs. Carson, he's so beautiful." He whispered, tears in his eyes as he watched the baby eat. "I may've wanted another girl … could I help it?" He laughed. "My daughter is my little princess and my sons... somehow they ensure me life Elsie."

That was the way he'd always looked at Charlie and Charlotte. She was his princess, he his way to live on, they his pride: but somehow he hadn't thought of it that way with regard to the new baby until he was born. Entering into this pregnancy with Elsie, he'd felt far too old to become a father again and now, somehow the new child made him feel young, virile: powerful even, because he could still bring new life into the world.

"My mini Mr. Carson's." She giggled. That was how she thought of her boys.

Elsie was relieved and sighed at the mention of her twins. In just a few days time, they'd be home and her painful longing for them both would be over. Then she'd finally have just what she'd been craving since she was a young, newly married woman: all her children there together with them.

Elsie smiled deeply, kissing her new son's head. "He's a perfect boy. Thank you so much for sticking by me."

"What do you mean? Of course I'd stick by you."

"For this long journey in having a family. I love our babes so much, and I couldn't imagine life without them. I love you so much Charlie."

"I love you more than anything Mrs. Carson."

…

August 1st, 1919

"Good morning baby lad from under my heart." Elsie whispered, cradling her new son in her arms.

Elsie smiled, tears coming to her eyes as Isobel handed her, her newborn son for the first time that day. The night before, Charlie had told her their children all touched his heart in different ways and upon reflection she thought he was right. Sam was the baby boy who'd been an ever-present presence under her heart from the first moment he made himself known; one she wouldn't ever forget.

He'd been a long awaited child born on his parent's anniversary, not just of the day they married, but the day they'd decided to run away together and start a life outside the confines of convention. On that same day, Elsie and Charlie had decided they wanted to have five children together, not knowing of Elsie's inability to become pregnant and the long road the desire to have even just one baby would take them on.

Sam was a precious gift on this day, a reminder of how far they'd come, of miracles and the fact that God had heard.

"Where's Mr. Carson?" She asked Isobel as she began to nurse the baby.

"He had some things to tend to in town, he said he'd be back soon."

…..

The staff stood when Carson came to the table, despite the fact that he was late and they were in the middle of breakfast. He wasn't even sure why he'd come, other than to make sure everything was in order and deliver his happy news before stopping off in the village to get a gift and a surprise for his wife before going home.

Carson cleared his throat. "As some of you may know, Mrs. Carson delivered a little boy last night…"

"He's over half a stone!" Beryl chimed proudly, irritating Carson with her interruption.

Thomas wanted to laugh, his supervisor's annoyance visible on his face. He'd come home a few days ahead of the family; leaving a frazzled Mr. Molesley in charge in London.

"She's tired, but quite well…"

"He's a tough little lad he is!" Beryl was tearing up at the thought of Samuel.

"Sounds like he takes after you, Mr. Carson." Thomas said, folding his arms and looking up at Carson.

"Well…" Carson considered. "He is my boy…"

"When is Mrs. Carson coming back to work?" Daisy questioned.

"Not until the fall."

"Too bad we can't all get a rest for popping out a noisy little kid." Thomas muttered under his breath.

Carson looked back, anger in his eyes when he heard Thomas' comment.

Thomas laughed nervously. "I met congratulations Mr. Carson, of course."

"Hmmm." He said, quickly leaving the room.

…

Carson's heart raced as he waited on the train station's platform. He wondered if it was too soon, but couldn't even say how eager he was. He looked up, startled when the train came to a stop and quickly people began to disembark, an orderly swarm overwhelming what had been a mostly vacant space. He looked around quickly, thinking he'd come for the wrong train when he heard a voice call out:

"Daddy!" He looked up to see Charlotte coming off the train her hand in Lady Grantham's.

"Charlotte!" He called, edging through the crowd to get closer to them.

Charlotte took off running for her dad Charlie at her heals. Carson dropped to his knees, amid all the people and held out his waiting arms for the twins who bee-lined into them.

"Ooooh! My little…"

Cora smiled, watching her butler loose all propriety as he took his children into his arms. He kissed both their cheeks multiple times, cuddling them close and whispering in their ears as he hugged them. The children held onto his face and arms, refusing to let him go too.

"Daddy we missed you!" Charlie cried.

"My son I missed you so much too." Carson almost cried, holding the twins in his arms and kissing their face.

"Daddy did our baby come yet?" Charlotte asked.

"Oh yes my love, the baby is here."

"Yay!" The twins cheered.

"What do we get?" Charlie asked.

"That, my son, is a surprise your mother and I have to tell you, but first, let's surprise mummy shall we?"

…

"I have a surprise for you Elsie." He said, poking his head in their bedroom door.

She was awake holding Sam and seemed in good spirits. The twins were just outside the door with Isobel who was trying to keep them very quiet.

"Oh?" She smiled; looking up from the baby bundled in her arms. "You're so

sweet my Charlie."

"Can you close your eyes my love?"

Elsie closed her eyes and placed her face back in the baby's kissing his cheeks. Carson opened the door quietly, the twins came in quickly, both so excited to see their mother and her baby that they were almost bouncing.

"Shu, shuu." Carson whispered, his heart warming at the sight of his twin's smiles.

Elsie smiled feeling someone get on the bed with her.

"Mrs. Carson, you can open your eyes." He asked.

"Mummy!" They squealed excitedly.

"Hahhha!" She squealed, shocked to see her twins there. "My Charlie and Charlotte! Ooooh! Mummy's missed you so much!" Elsie started to cry.

She reached out and hugged the twins as best as she could, given that her arms were full and she was still so very sore. The twins both kissed her cheeks several times before turning to the baby. Both stopped and marveled over the newborn they'd yet to be introduced to, both dying of curiosity.

"My Charlie, my Charlotte." She began. "I'd like you to meet your baby brother, Samuel."

"Mummy he's neat! I wanna hold him." Charlotte said, calmly running her tiny hand over her new baby brother's soft bit of auburn hair.

The new baby's hair matched Charlotte's and Charlie's perfectly and the twins found this irresistible. Charlotte wanted to hold the baby and help care for him but Elsie wouldn't let her. Charlie paused for a moment, a little conflicted. At first, he understood his fear of being replaced was finally getting realized, and then, it hit him that he had a brother and was suddenly over the top excited by the news.

"Mummy, thank you so much!" Charlie cried.

"You're welcome my wee lad." She giggled hugging him close.

"Wow." She heard him whisper, peering down into his brother's tiny face. Elsie kissed the side of Charlie's head.

"Mummy he's pweetty and your tummy not so round anymore." Charlotte remarked as her father sat behind her. Elsie giggled.

"Mummy I'm going to help you and nanny with Sam." Charlotte added.

"Me too!" Charlie chimed.

"Are ya now? Sam might stay with Mummy for a while even when she's working again."

"Awe. But why?'"

"Because, mummy needs to feed him, and nanny's already got the two of you and Benjamin. She needs Sam to get a bit bigger before she has him."

Elsie didn't feel she could burden nanny with a fourth child especially a newborn. Given that she was more adapt at motherhood now she figured she'd carry her youngest around on her shoulder as she worked, and forego giving him to the nanny until he could lift his head. She wanted to keep him close anyhow and wished she could've done the same with the twins.

"Hi Sam!" Charlie said, peering down at his baby brother.

"Hi baby!" Charlotte squealed.

Sam lay there still and wide-awake in his mother's arms, trying his best to gather his new surroundings. He was too tiny to understand much of anything beyond his mother and wondered who Charlie and Charlotte were. He blinked a few times, doing his best with limited eyesight to look up at his family as they stared down at him. Carson and Elsie already understood that their son was very personable and eager to engage with the world even though he was just a newborn. It said everything they had been wondering about why he was so active, even present before his birth.

"I'm excited to be brothers with you!" Charlie said quietly, taking the baby's hand. Sam yawned, squeezing his big brother's finger.

"I'm excited to be sister and brother with you." Charlotte whispered, rubbing his head gently as she leaned down to kiss him.

Elsie looked up, biting her lip as her gaze caught her husband's, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I love you." He whispered and her heart leapt. "You've made my dreams come true."

She couldn't say how grateful she was, her three children in her arms, her own dream fulfilled all over again.

"I love you more than I can say Mr. Carson." She whispered amid the chattering of her three small children.

He tilted her head, and leaned over kissing her deeply, reminding her once again that God had heard.


	33. Pride

Ch 33- Pride

September 1919

"It is rather odd not carrying you around in my belly m'little lad." Elsie whispered in her son's ear.

Sam blinked, beginning to suck on his fist. He laid his head on her shoulder, his tiny eyes growing heavy as his mother made her way down the hall. The sensation of her walking and the gentle chime of her chatelaines dangling on her hip lulled the baby into a sense of comfort that was familiar somehow and made him feel as if he were being rocked to sleep.

It was Elsie's first day back at work after giving birth, and Sam's first day ever at Downton. Everyone, even the family, was anxious to see him and marveled over what a big lad he was for such a young baby. Anna and Daisy had been particularly enamored with him and gathered around him as he napped in a bassinet in the kitchen. Thomas would always recall that Samuel had followed his gaze when he'd first peered into the bassinet.

Elsie had started back to work and hesitantly left her baby in Anna's care while she went down the hall for a few minutes. As babies, the twins always cried when she did this but Samuel did not mind. He lay there and blinked, far too interested in people to worry about much.

"Thomas isn't he cute?" Anna had squealed. "Little baby Sammy."

Anna desperately wanted a child of her own and had been trying without any luck. It was the kind of ordeal that sometimes made interaction with the Carson children painful, and yet other times, the three were an immense comfort to her. It was a struggle she'd keep to herself a little while longer.

"Well." He'd said after watching the baby for a moment, noting the child's size and his face. "No one would ever deny that he's Mr. Carson's baby."

"Oh and why would they?" Beryl turned, asking angrily, her outburst causing the baby to start crying.

"Ooh it's just Auntie Patmore." Anna laughed, trying to soothe him.

"You'll get used to it." Daisy whispered.

Thus far, everyone had been down or come by to visit Samuel. Cora, Benjamin and nanny had come first thing, taking the twins with them when they left. Lady Mary and Lady Edith had come too, baring a gift of their own. Even Miss O'Brien had taken a minute to see the newest addition to the house, saying she thought he was a fine little lad (her pleasantries a shock to all who heard them). Elsie was overwhelmed by the love and generosity the house showed to her and her boy. In all, everyone came down to see the new baby save Lord Grantham and while he was under no obligation to do so, everyone found this curious.

…

"All of it?!" Robert thundered, the sound of his booming voice caught Charlotte's ear. She quickly took cover, hiding behind a column, listening carefully.

It was a beautiful day, one of the last of summer before autumn overtook the landscape and ushered the children indoors for the long Yorkshire winter. After nanny had come to see her newest charge, she'd taken the three older children outside to play. Charlie had fallen and scraped his knee while they were out. It wasn't bad, but just enough to require a little bit of dressing and a lot of love. Nanny had surmised that Charlie was growing and for that reason clumsier than usual, an assertion hat made the little boy happy enough to value his scrape as a battle scar rather than a misfortune.

Nanny had sent Charlotte inside the house to get a bandage and a cold cloth from Mrs. Patmore. The little girl thought it would be a quick, eventless journey until Lord Grantham's angry voice met her tiny ears. She'd known him the whole of her life and never once heard him become angry before. The thought was unsettling for her at best. Charlotte could've moved on and ran to the kitchen but instead remained affixed to the column, listening intently as Lord Grantham yelled into the phone. She wanted to leave but felt compelled to remain, and knew not why.

"All of the money is gone? Cora's entire fortune." He said under his breath. "This investment was supposed to make it safe for Downton for all of time!"

Charlotte's eyes grew wide. She clasped her hand over her mouth, muffling her audible gasp. She was only a four-year-old little girl from Yorkshire, and a butler's daughter to boot, but she didn't live in a sack.

'Oh no.' Charlotte thought.

She swallowed hard and looked up and all around the abbey. She knew it wasn't _her_ house… not like it was Benjamin's but in some way she still felt like it was her home too. Charlotte didn't understand all the repercussions of Robert's conversation. She just knew that loosing money was bad (it meant you couldn't afford things… like servants) and that Downton, his house and her home, was not safe.

…..

A month earlier:

August 4th, 1919 – 11PM

Carson beamed, looking down proudly at his wife and newborn baby son. It was late and pitch dark save the light that came from the hearth. Neither said much as they worked to lull their newest treasure to sleep. Both were exhausted, but transfixed on their baby, an infant they barely believed was there with them. It'd been a long day. Mrs. Patmore had brought dinner, Mrs. Crawley had finally left, and Carson had cared for the twins and the baby on his own for most of that time.

"Mr. Carson do you remember that period oh, about 1902 when we were trying so hard to make ourselves two little lads?"

Carson chucked at the thought as he ran his fingers through the baby's barely present hair. It warmed his heart soundly to hear his wife utter these words so happily. It had been five years now since he'd first found out he was finally going to be a father and sometimes it all still stunned him. They'd gone years wanting a child, any child even one that wasn't theirs by blood. He didn't think he'd ever forget the summer of 1902. By then they'd been married six years and had been trying continuously for a baby with no success at all. She'd not even conceived and miscarried: not once.

Elsie remembered that time bittersweetly. It was their last real diligent attempt at having a child before she saw a doctor in Scotland who finally diagnosed her problem and told her it could be fixed surgically. It would take her eight years to save for the surgery and a little more than three after that for it to take effect. By then they were aging and it was a last ditch effort. Then finally, the twins came. In light of all of that, Samuel Carson seemed almost more surreal than his siblings.

Elsie cried looking down as the baby sighed, thankful that the painful, expensive procedure had clearly been well worth it. Samuel's presence also made Carson relive the long, painful time of wanting that they'd faced. Now he couldn't believe they had three: that they'd gotten their girl and two wonderful boys. For Carson, the newfound pride in having sons, and awe of having a daughter still had not warn off. He didn't think it ever would.

"I'm glad we didn't get them then." He smiled reflectively, perhaps a hint of melancholy in his voice.

He brushed Sam's cheek as he nursed and Elsie didn't reply, knowing already why he was glad: because if they'd been born when they were first together, Charlie and Sam would probably be dead and not just babies starting their lives.

"Mrs. Carson we're so very blessed to have not gotten what we wanted when we wanted it." He kissed the side of her head.

Sam pulled away from his mom, sighing as he placed his face on her breast, his tiny eyes closed tight. He was exhausted too. Carson smiled, resting his forehead against his wife's.

"You're proud, aren't you?" She asked.

"Of you or of him?"

"Of him."

"I'm proud of and astounded by the both of you." He revealed, leaning in to kiss her.

"Charlie he feels like a dream." She whispered as Sam fussed a bit.

"Well if it's a dream then I never want to wake up." He said softly, rubbing his nose against hers. "Elsie thank you for working so hard: for refusing to believe that he was destined to be a dream."

They paused, looking down at their son as he yawned and blinked, his bright blue eyes flashing.

"I love you my lad." Elsie smiled. "You're your mummy and daddy's extra special blessing and miracle of a baby boy. We'd be so lost without you."

…

August 6th, 1919

No one knew it yet, but that was to be Samuel Carson's mission in life: people would be lost without him.

A week had passed since his birth. Elsie was still resting, spending her days in bed. Carson was trying (and nearly failing) to manage the house on his own, while the twins were doing as they pleased: spending hours in the yard, staying up far too late (even after their father put them to bed) and sneaking into their mother's room to catch a glimpse of their newborn brother every chance they got.

"Hi!" Charlie waived at the sleeping babe.

"Shu!" Charlotte warned a little too loudly. "We can't wake him and mummy!"

The twins stood on their tiptoes, peering down into the baby's cradle as he slept, unsure if they found him a bit big for a tiny baby or smaller than they thought he should be. While big, Sam was endowed with the tale-tale newness of a newborn: his eyes were swollen, puffy and nearly sealed shut, he was wrinkled and covered in bruises from his not so easy birth, and finally he cried… all the time. Charlie squinted, looking down at his newborn baby brother, suddenly realizing he was jealous of him.

"He's bigger than we were when we were babies." He recalled a previous comment of his father's.

Charlie still wanted to grow, to be taller like his father and after months of hoping and praying it still had not happened. Charlie was clever in his own way; and realized suddenly, that his brother had grown at a tremendous rate over the past few months: he envied that.

"Charles, Charlotte?" The twins froze when they heard their father call sternly from the doorway. "It's bedtime." The twins sighed begrudgingly, rushing to their father's side as he picked them up.

"Daddy can we say good night to our baby?" Charlie whispered.

Carson smiled at his son's phrasing and gave in reluctantly; afraid the twins would wake their mother or brother. "I don't see why not. We just have to be very quiet."

"Do you love him Daddy?" Charlie whispered in his father's ear.

"Do you think he's cute?" Charlotte inquired.

Carson paused a moment. "Yes my son. I love him as I love the both of you." He explained. "And no Charlotte. I don't think he's cute. I think he's absolutely beautiful."

"Did mummy do a good job?" Charlotte asked.

"At what?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Growing him."

Charlotte was already considering her own future family and wondered if she'd have to grow her own baby like her mother had or get a nanny like Lady Cora did. Needless to say, Charlotte was quite confused, but expected that she'd grow her own baby as mummy had. Carson (who'd be furious if he knew his little girl was thinking this way) paused, confused for a moment by her question.

"Yes." He said finally. "Mummy has done a spectacular job at growing all three of you." The twins didn't note the tear lingering in their father's eye.

Elsie sighed softly. She had woken when the twins entered and lay there, her heart deeply touched as she listened to them and their father talk to the sleeping newborn Samuel. Her heart quickened at the thought, swelling with a measure of pride and thankfulness she'd never before thought possible. After all these years, there Charlie was, there with the children she'd once been unable to give him.

"G'night baby bwother." Charlie waived.

"Night baby."

"Goodnight my lovely son." Carson said, keeping the twins in his arms as he shut the door. "I love you."

"Daddy when will mummy get up?" She heard Charlotte inquire.

Elsie sighed, also wondering when she would be up and about again. Her mind was eager to do so, but the birth had laid her flat and even a week later, she was still exhausted. She'd never spent so much time in bed in the whole of her life and was trying her best to appreciate it, supposing she wouldn't get this much rest again until she reached death's door.

"Daddy where do babies come from?" She heard Charlie inquire.

Carson sighed audibly and Elsie shut her eyes, taking advantage of the fact that she was supposed to be sleeping.

…

"Daddy, daddy how come you not excited?" Charlotte asked, squinting as she looked up at her father. Carson sighed, a bit unsettled that his little girl was so ecstatic.

A couple of days later, the Carson's awoke to quite a surprise. A message had come down from the house: Lady Grantham and Benjamin were planning on visiting to see the new baby and bring him a gift. Carson and Elsie weren't sure they were up to the task, but the twins were excited: they missed their friend and his mother. Elsie was still unable to get out of bed and so Carson quickly went to work trying to make the cottage presentable, all while trying to mind the twins.

'How does she do it?' He thought of his wife. 'How in the world would I ever do this without her?' He sighed looking up at the ceiling when he heard the baby start to cry.

"Daddy I go, I help!" Charlie cried, running up the stairs.

Carson sighed. Charlotte tilted her head, silently watching her father, curious as to why he was so stressed. All she and Charlie had done that day was help him… well, after going outside and getting their hair and their clothes filthy and after that they'd made a mess in the kitchen too. But Charlotte wasn't entirely sure all that mattered; they were after all, _helping_.

Carson didn't understand how Mrs. Patmore managed his children so well in her kitchen. They never seemed to make such a mess there. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with his children being disobedient, unskilled or even small.

"Charlotte." Carson began. "Daddy has a special task for his little girl." Charlotte looked up eagerly as her father bent down, straightening the bow in her hair. "Charlotte I need you to wait for Lady Grantham and answer the door when she comes. Can my lass do that?" He asked and she nodded eagerly.

Carson left Charlotte downstairs and rushed to see how Elsie and Charlie were getting along. Elsie was still in bed, but had managed to get up to make herself look a bit tidier. In an odd way she was grateful for Cora's intrusion it was a welcome distraction from the monotony of lying in bed and caring for the baby.

"That's my lad can you hold his head for mummy?"

Carson sighed with surprise, watching from the doorway as his namesake held his younger son in his arms as Elsie prepared to nurse. It was a precious sight: his little boys together.

"Well if it isn't the Carson brothers." He chuckled.

Carson came up with the name on the spot, not yet realizing it would stick for many years to come and last his boys the whole of their lives. The name would outlive the progenitor and the progeny.

"Do you hear that Sam? We're the Carson brothers." Charlie said and Elsie smiled deeply, looking up at her husband.

"They're here!" Charlotte called.

Carson sighed. "Charlotte that's not how we answer the door my love."

…

Sam looked up wide-eyed at the strange lady and little boy who visited him. She sat at the edge of the bed and the boy stood at her side. Sam was wide-awake now and sucked on his pacifier, propped up in his mother's arms, his bright blue eyes blinking wildly with an active interest no one had expected him to take.

"Elsie he's so sweet and so attentive, oh my!" Cora giggled.

Sam's first days had been pleasant ones. His parents quickly discovered that he was a happy baby who had an even temperament (except when he got hungry) and that even though he was only a newborn he was in everyway, a people person. The discovery made his parents understand the reason why he was so active, almost present with them even when he was still in the womb.

At just a week old, Sam seemed to possess tried and true charisma, the kind that made his father remember his own youth vividly. He'd once been like Sam; it'd been a reason he'd gone on stage. Carson found that his sons humbled him. Charlie had inherited a sense of humor he kept tucked away, Samuel a presence that locked people in. Carson had transformed his own presence, and used it in his capacity as butler, but it had been ever more powerful for a showman. He sighed, watching his newborn son captivate his first audience, hoping that when the boys were grown they wouldn't find the need, as he had, to tuck away their humor, their charm or anything else. He hoped they would be not showmen but their own men.

The baby humored Cora greatly. She wished Robert would've come and couldn't wait to tell him about their visit. She didn't understand (in looking at the baby) how one person could bare such a striking resemblance to two other people who weren't related themselves. One look at Samuel Carson gave away the unquestionable identity of his parents. His eyes were all Elsie's and his hair, but across the cheeks and in the lips and in the general look of his face he was so strongly Carson it was in some measure astounding.

"He seems to like people very much m'lady." Elsie hardly ever called Cora 'm'lady' in private anymore, but felt humbled, perhaps even a bit embarrassed to have her visiting while she was in bed. "Samuel." Elsie took the baby's hand gently. "This is Lady Grantham and Master Benjamin, can you say hello?" Samuel blinked in reply, trying his best to stare but his vision wasn't about to cooperate with what his mind sought to do.

"Well hello Samuel you're so awfully cute!" Cora squealed.

"Mrs. Carson we brought you a present." Ben said, excited about his new friend. The twins looked on eagerly.

"The twins helped us pick it out in London." Cora emphasized.

Baby Sam's eyes seemed to sparkle once his gift came into view. It was a little porcelain carousel with a music box underneath. He didn't know what it was, but it made him yawn, the music lulling him to sleep in an instant.

…

"Mummy why can't we have a baby?" Ben asked, holding his mother's hand as they made their way home.

He was afraid to ask the question, but felt he must. The little lord to be had perpetual company but was always lonely in some measure, feeling left out of every world that transected his own. He was not a Carson, although he sometimes wished he were. And surely, he was not part of his sister's worlds or his father's.

"Oh sweetie." Cora sympathized, getting on her knees.

It was a beautiful day and Benjamin would always remember the sad but sweet smile on his mother's face as she kneeled before him, surrounded by Downton's garden roses. She giggled, wiping his hair out of his face.

"You've already got your big sisters. You _are_ the baby honey."

"I know." He bit his lip, trying to hide his sadness.

"Samuel will be in the nursery with you in a few months and you'll get the chance to be his friend too, very soon. And you know what else?" Benjamin shook his head. "At some point, probably sooner than later, your big sisters are going to have their own children."

Ben paused and tilted his head, thinking about this for a moment. He'd never considered his sisters having their own children before and the idea was totally alien to him. Oddly, he'd thought of becoming a father himself several times, usually while playing house with Charlotte. He'd wondered if he and his son would have the same relationship he and his father had. He wondered if his son would be Lord Grantham when he himself was dead… but that was the extent of it.

Ben took another moment to consider his sisters and their perspective beaus. There was Sybil who'd run off with Tom a year earlier. He supposed he could get along well with their child. There was Edith…. and Anthony Strallan? Benjamin liked Strallan, but didn't understand why she was dating a man older than their father. Strallan seemed old to Robert Crawley: but he seemed ancient to Benjamin, almost like Grandmama Violet. He didn't understand why, but the idea that his sister might have the old man's child made him feel ill.

Then of course there was Mary and Matthew whose relationship he didn't really understand. Their on again off again drama was nonsensical to him, a little boy who'd already made up his mind about who to love when he was grown. At almost five-years-old, Benjamin had decided that he had three loves in his life: Egypt, Downton Abbey and Charlotte Carson.

One day he'd have to reconcile the fact that only one of those three loves could take precedence in his life. Even today he had some sense of that, having decided that when he was grown, he'd either see the world (particularly where the Pharaohs ruled) and live life on his terms. Lord or not, responsibilities or not. Or… he would marry Charlotte.

If there was one thing the lonely little boy understood well it was himself and he knew instinctively that those were his choices. He in his infinite loneliness, had been engineered to be his own man, to explore, and view the world as an individualist. He was predisposed to love Downton as his father, grandfather and many great grandfathers before him had… but one day, long from now he would see something much greater in Charlotte Carson than he did in anything else. He had a glimmer of it now, but could never as a boy; understand the power of destiny. The kind that steers the whole of your existence manifests breath out of dust, and life from a barren womb.

He didn't know that as a man he'd come to believe that Charlotte, (and in some way her three siblings), whose entire existence was not just unlikely, but fringing on a miracle, had been made just for him and the continuation of his house. Cora had some concept of this, it was why she held the Carson children so closely and treated them like family. But for now she kept the radical idea to herself, knowing only time could prove her right.

"Benjamin?" She asked, noting her son's long pause.

"Oh but mummy." He considered. "I'll be too old to play with them."

…

October 1919

Carson laughed, holding the baby's head in one hand and his behind in the other, rocking him gently. Sam squeaked as he yawned and stretched within his father's grasp. Carson watched closely, marveling over his new son as he struggled both to keep his eyes open and to lift his head, (something he couldn't do just yet).

"Samuel, you make me a proud da if there ever was one." He said, finding himself grinning from ear to ear.

Carson shifted his son into the crook of his arm cradling him gently and Sam made every effort he could to lift his head. While only three months, Sam had already been making great, but failed efforts to move his body and lift his head. Carson paused aware that he was unable to wipe the joy off his own face. If he weren't so proud he'd feel silly, even in the privacy of his pantry, alone with just his babe.

The baby almost grunted in frustration, upset that he could not yet do what his mind willed him to. Samuel bawled up his fist, angrily gripping his tiny fingers before trying to stick his fist in his mouth.

"Such a strong lad." He smiled approvingly. "Do you know how strong you are Samuel?"

Carson noticed it right away, or seemed to in a way only a man would about a boy. He'd noticed it before, but saw it again more clearly now in the way that the baby boy gripped his hand and swung his arm.

"You've quite an arm m'lad!" He confided, grabbing the baby's arm. "Have I a famous cricketer on my hands?" He asked, the baby's eyes growing wide, almost appearing surprised as he stared up at his father. "But you're going to have to get stronger to keep up with your big brother: he's a natural and so should you be. Because both of my baby boys are special." He whispered. Sam looked up, studying his father with his mother's deep blue eyes.

Carson laughed again, placing his forehead on his son's and kissing his tiny nose, only looking up when he heard a nock on his door.

"Uh-uh hello." He stammered, settling when he saw it was just his wife.

Elsie smiled, standing in the doorway, watching the adorable scene.

"Thank you for taking baby lad for the afternoon." Elsie said, stepping into her husband's pantry.

"Oh I'd have kept him all day if I had the means to feed him." He said, getting up to greet her.

"Oh there you are m'lad. Are you hungry?" Elsie laughed as she took Sam back in her arms and kissed his cheek. "Did you miss your mummy or is your da too exciting?"

"I missed you." Carson leaned in to kiss her.

She smiled into the kiss, pressing her nose against his. "I always miss you. Oh my wee little boy. Would you like to go upstairs and collect your big brother and sister? I think they'll be happy to see you lad."

"Elsie I have to go upstairs anyway. If you'd like to nurse, I'll get the children too." He offered.

"Oh, alright."

….

"Charlotte?" Robert questioned sharply, raising his eyebrow. "How'd you get in here?"

Charlotte gasped and froze on her place on the floor where she was crawling out from under the chaise. She'd been giving her previous encounter with the lord some serious thought and now that some time had passed she'd thought she'd come up with a solution.

"Sowwy Lord Gran-ham." She said nervously scrambling to her feet. She paused uncertain, looking up at him with wide eyes.

"Is your nanny missing you?" He asked kindly.

He didn't really know the children's schedule, or where she was supposed to be or anything. He was only guessing. Charlotte shook her head again. "Would you like to borrow a book?" He asked, wondering if that might be why she was there.

"Uh-uh." She shook her head, walking toward him and extending her hand. Robert was surprised to see a few small coins within her grasp. "I heard about your money. Shu, I won't tell anybody." She whispered. "But Lord Gran-ham pwease have this."

Robert stared at the coins as she poured them into his hand. "Oh Charlotte." He whispered, tears in his eyes.

"Keep it. Is it enough, can it fix it?"

"Oh my dear girl. I- I couldn't thank you enough." Robert paused, letting the tears trickle down his cheeks.

He wondered how Charlotte had heard, no one knew yet save Cora and he feared how his own daughter would react to the news. He only hoped the reaction would be an ounce as gracious as Charlotte's. He was touched by her gesture, by the idea that this little girl, who was growing up under his roof, would want to save his home and his pride. Lord Grantham looked back up at her, smiling sadly. He couldn't help but thinking that she was adorable, and kind and that she looked just like a miniature Mrs. Hughes if he ever saw one.

"Is it enough?" She asked hopefully.

"Not nearly enough Charlotte. But it means the world."

"But I…"

Charlotte stopped, realizing she shouldn't keep talking.

"Yes?" He pressed.

"I wanted to help m'lord: to save Downton."

"Charlotte it means so much that you'd feel that way about my house. Perhaps you will save Downton one day." He felt the need to encourage, all though he knew that it was hopeless. There'd be no Downton to save by the time she was of school age let alone by the time she was grown.

"Are you enjoying your new baby brother?" Lord Grantham was in pain, pain made worse somehow by her sweetness, sweetness he'd never in his life forget. "I have yet to see much of the little fellow. Charlotte, what's wrong?" He asked, noting a change in her expression.

The little girl paused, not knowing what to say. "Kind of wish he were sister, but he's cute." Robert laughed. "Charlotte feel left out m'lord."

Robert understood all of a sudden. He could only imagine how much the Carson's had to deal with, with their work and a third child.

"All parents get very busy when this sort of thing happens. Even Lady Mary felt left out when Benjamin was born."

Charlotte was surprised. She couldn't imagine Mary ever feeling put out for anyone or anything.

"Charlotte?" Carson asked sternly, walking into the room. "M'lord I'm sorry if she…"

Robert smiled down at Charlotte, looking back up at her father. He didn't mind her visit, it'd served to remind him of all the times Carson had comforted his own little girl over the years and still did. He didn't at all mind returning the favor.

"Oh Carson." Robert began, feeling hopeless but still touched as he began to speak. The butler noticed his tears but his little girl did not. "You have the most noble little girl. Your kindhearted daughter heard of my misfortune and did her best to save Downton."

"Thank you m'lord." Carson smiled proudly, tears in his own eyes as he took Charlotte's hand and they left the room.

"Daddy?" Charlotte asked. "Daddy? Am I gonna get in trouble?"

He sighed and bent down on his knees to face her, searching tiny eyes nearly identical to his own as he tried to find an answer for her. "Perhaps you shouldn't have gone to see his Lordship." He bit his lip. "But you did a very brave and lovely thing my girl. I'm not sure you'll ever understand how lovely. I'm proud of you Charlotte."

Charlotte would've smiled but instead leaned into her father's ear, whispering suddenly. "Daddy can I ask you a question?" He wanted to laugh, delighted by the sound of her little voice in his ear.

"Always." He chucked warmly.

"But you gots to keep it a secret. Okay?"

"I promise it'll be our little secret."

"Did he really loose all his money? Do we all have to leave?"

"Yes he did. But let me tell you something else, sometimes even when things seem impossible: when you're facing the hardest thing you've ever had to do, things sort themselves out."

"Daddy even when it hurts your heart?" She asked, clutching her chest.

Carson and his daughter didn't notice Elsie come down the stairs, one of her sons on her shoulder, the other holding her hand. She and the boys stood and watched as Carson and Charlotte had their moment.

Carson paused, it made him ache a little that his daughter knew about heartbreak. 'She's so young.' He thought. 'I wonder what makes her heart hurt.'

Carson smiled, kissing his daughter on the forehead, not wanting her to know he was worried, but he was.

"Always remember that my girl: no matter how hard the road, there are answers somewhere along the path: answers that will put everything at peace. I trust there here. There have been to the same problems before and Downton is a strong house. But for now, you don't have to worry."

"Are we ready to go Mr. Carson?" Elsie asked as he lifted the twins into his arms. Charlie placed his arm around his father's neck and he smiled back at the boy.

"Yes my Mrs. Hughes." He leaned over and kissed her softly. "I think it's high time for home at last."


	34. Samuel

Ch 34- Samuel

* For those of you asking, Carson and Elsie are in this universe, 10-12 years younger than they are in cannon, making Elsie in her mid- late 40's, Carson almost mid 50's, so yes still a bit old for this, but then again that's the point ;)

November 1919

"Waaaaaa-aaaaaaahhh-waaaah-aaaaaaahhh-waaah-aaaaaah!"

"Hmmm." Elsie stirred, trying to move from under her husband's arms when she heard the baby cry. He held her tight as he snored, unfazed by their son's crying as she struggled to break free.

"I'm coming lad, mummy's coming! Mummy's coming!"

"Waaaaa-aaaaaaaaahhhh-aaaaah!" He sobbed.

"Shuuuu, shuuu, shhhhuuuu." Elsie shushed desperately, as she lifted Sam from his cot and placed him on her shoulder, amazed his sobs hadn't woken the twins. "Shu that's enough of that my littlest lad." She yawned, hugging him tight as she took him downstairs.

The baby yawned as his mother lay him on the sofa, calming now that she was there to tend to his needs. It was a nightly routine with mother and son.

"Mummy's tired too m'lad." She said. "But she knows exactly what you need and we'll get straight to it." She kissed the baby's forehead before beginning to change his nappy.

Elsie was half asleep and didn't know what time it really was, only that she wished her baby would start sleeping through the night. But he hated to be wet. It always woke him and of course, he always got a little hungry afterward. Sam gurgled, chewing on his fingers as his mother changed him. It was cold out and the fire had died down hours before, leaving little warmth in the lower part of the house. She took the baby's chubby bare feet in her hands and squeezed them softly.

"That won't do." She said noting they were freezing cold. "Mummy has just the thing." She said, kissing his bitty toes.

Elsie had to tend to him in the living room at night to not wake up his father and siblings, so she kept the nappies and other baby items in a tiny wicker basket under the couch. She reached down and pulled out a pair of baby socks she'd been working on.

"There my lad." She smiled, putting on the blue and white striped socks. The three-month-old cooed comforted instantly by their warmth. "Nice new sockies for mummy's littlest one." He giggled loudly, closing his tiny eyes when his mother rubbed her nose against his.

Samuel relished his mother's affection and squealed when he felt her kiss his nose. Elsie sighed, a single tear slipping down her cheek and his tiny face. It had been a year, one year to the day since the brutal miscarriage that had taken the lives of her second set of twins. The idea of that was surreal for her. She didn't know how it could have been a year since the end of the war, and since she'd nearly lost her husband and first set of twins to that horrible flu. She smiled, still crying as Sam giggled happily in her face, staring up at her with sleepy eyes. She loved her little boy so much, but couldn't help feel sad for her second set of twins: babies she'd never know, but she'd love with all her heart for the rest of her days. Samuel shut his eyes tight as he yawned, the action overtaking his little body. Elsie smiled, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose, causing him to giggle in her face again.

"My boy, my sweet little baby." She whispered, running her hand over his head.

She lifted him into her arms and started to nurse before he could yawn again, knowing this would put him into a peaceful sleep that would last the rest of the night. Elsie started to hum, rocking him as he suckled and drifted off, and thinking of how blessed she was to have him there in her arms. Unknowingly, conceiving Sam probably not long enough after the miscarriage had been a saving grace for her.

"Mummy would think she'd feel so empty without you."

….

No one knew it yet. But a lot of people would feel empty without Samuel Carson, his big sister included.

"Do you see that Sam?" She asked, holding him in her arms as she looked outside.

Charlotte sat on the floor, rocking her baby brother who gazed up and out the window, perplexed by white fluffy stuff falling out of the sky.

"It's snowing!" Charlie cried, running down the stairs.

"Charles Hughes Carson, calm down!" Elsie cried, holding out her arms for her older son.

"But mummy it's snowing. It's baby's first snow. When was our first snow?"

Elsie giggled, putting Charlie on her hip and kissing his cheek. "When you were born m'lad. It snowed the whole night and the whole next few days."

"Is that why we were born at the abbey and Sam was born here?"

"Yes. Your daddy carried me upstairs when the time came." She smiled at the memory. It'd been a frightening night, but the most wonderful of her life. The twin's eyes grew wide.

"Daddy carried you when you were that fat?" Charlie asked.

Elsie sighed looked back at her son disapprovingly and at once he knew he'd overstepped.

"Sowwy mama." He kissed her cheek.

"It's alright m'lad mummy was very, very fat."

She smiled sadly, putting him on his feet. Once out of her arms he scrambled to the window and pressed his little face harshly against it.

"Mummy when is daddy coming home?" Charlie asked.

"Not till long after you've gone to sleep I'm afraid." Elsie laughed.

"Awe!" The twins sighed.

"There's a big party tonight." Elsie explained, taking the baby from her daughter.

"Is it because it's Lady Cora's Thanksgiving?" Charlie asked.

"Yes. Yes it is. And we will celebrate tomorrow. Now m'lad and m'lass, shut the curtains and join me in your da's chair for a story."

Elsie settled in with the baby and the twins scrambled into the chair at her sides. She pulled a blanket up around them and Sam sighed, beginning to suck on it as his mother started to read.

…..

Carson walked home in a literal shower of snow. He held his lantern high, using it to guide his path in the black, stormy night. It was frigidly cold and he was glad his wife had decided to take the children home hours before it'd started to snow. The horrible storm reflected the way he felt inside on that melancholy Thanksgiving night. He wasn't sure what he was more burdened about: the likely demise of a place he'd called home since his boyhood, or the fate of his own family.

He and Charlotte had kept the news of Lord Grantham's financial loss to themselves. She'd not told Ben and Charlie and he'd not told his own wife. He felt a little guilty but didn't want her to worry, or worse to know that he was very worried about where they would go, or what they would do if Downton fell. He'd overheard more unsettling news while Lord Grantham was in the library with his attorney earlier in the day and felt the hope he'd told his daughter of, hope of Downton being saved, was likely shattered.

'I've five dependents.' He thought, the idea almost shocking him.

There was his wife, who could and did work for her own wage, although he felt he did still support her when it came right down to it. Then the twins and Samuel who costed more than he could've ever imagined. And finally, Becky, who costed more than six children, would. The idea of having to provide for his mentally underdeveloped sister-in-law without their shared income shook Carson to the core. They would never do it. There would never be another place where he and Elsie could both be employed, where the children would be cared for, where they would… fit so well. He didn't want to call it anything more personal than that. He didn't want to tell himself that it was family or even friendship, but it resonated deep within his soul, in a place he couldn't access, that that's exactly what Downton was to him. At the heart of it all, it was family.

Carson was never so relieved to get back to his cottage. He longed to kiss his wife and hold his children in his arms. Almost more than that, he was freezing, exhausted and starving after spending a day on his feet and wanted a warm dinner made by the hands of his loving wife. Carson was so cold when he finally closed the door. He shivered, spending a minute shaking the snow out of his hair. It wasn't until he removed his scarf that he noticed the house was almost totally dark and very quiet. Carson panicked for a moment before he noticed his family in his grand chair by the fire. He smiled bittersweetly, his heart melting as the sound of Elsie's gentle voice floated to his ears. She sung quietly, almost whispering a lullaby to their children as she rocked them. Charlie and Charlotte were fast asleep, but Sam sat wide-awake, reclining against his mother's abdomen and sucking on the blanket.

"Shu, they're almost asleep Mr. Carson." She whispered.

Carson laughed, taking off his coat and tossing it onto the couch. He went and sat on the ottoman and took her feet in hand, beginning to rub them.

"Charlie that should be me rubbing your…"

"No my love. That's my job for now." He said, leaning over and brushing her lips with a kiss.

Carson was exhausted but overwhelmed with guilt. Somehow Lord Grantham's failure was his own. He worried now that if they were put out, his Elsie would have to work herself to the bone when all he wanted was to care for her.

"Happy Thanksgiving." She said.

Carson had barely grown used to celebrating the American holiday when all of this happened, and didn't feel that he could give thanks without a tremendous amount of hesitancy and even more uncertainty about what the coming year would bring.

"Happy Thanksgiving my Elsie."

…

"What exactly do I have to be thankful for?" Robert crossed his arms.

It was late and the two were in bed. He was sulking, she was reading.

"Hush your mouth! You have everything to be grateful for." Cora gasped.

"Cora."

"Robert we will find away!" She said, closing her book and kissing his cheek.

Robert stared at his wife as she turned off the light and settled into bed.

"Benjamin _must_ marry for money." He said.

"Robert! How has that worked for Mary? Or most of all Sybil?" She laughed, unsettled by her husband's demand. She knew it would have to be, but that it couldn't be; it wouldn't be.

"Well it worked for me." He laughed.

"I'm flattered." She joked turning to face him, a broad smile on her face. "See. I told her you have something to be thankful for."

"And thankful I am." He laughed, bringing her in close to him and beginning to kiss her.

…

February 1920

"Daddy why can't we see him?" Charlie whined. Charlie Carson Jr. couldn't say how much he looked forward to seeing Tom Branson. The man who, as his father said, had absconded with Lady Sybil. Charlie didn't know what it meant to abscond with someone but wondered if that was something only married people did.

"Hmmm." His father said.

The twins followed him throughout the halls, begging to be allowed to go up. Lady Sybil and her husband were visiting for several weeks. It was an uncomfortable situation made more uncomfortable by the fact that Carson refused to let any of his own three children around the couple who they'd once adored, citing his disapproval of Branson being a servant and that he thought he'd bring ruin on the family.

The twins were confused by all of this. Charlie had looked to Branson much in the same way Benjamin once had. It was like having his very own big brother. Charlotte felt similarly about Sybil who'd been very affectionate toward her when she was tiny. Moreover, the pair shared a curious question.

"Daddy?" Charlotte asked.

"Yes."

The twins paused, exchanging glances. It was a trait for identicals, but sometimes the two could almost seem to read each other's minds and from the time they were tiny, they'd been able to finish each other's sentences.

"Daddy are we bad?" Charlie squinted.

Carson froze and turned around to look down at his small son.

"What would ever make you say that?" He asked, concerned, getting on his knees. The idea that his children thought ill of themselves made his heart hurt.

"Well…" Charlotte took a deep breath.

"Dada if Branson is bad and he downstairs and we downstairs doesn't that make us all bad too?"

Charlotte sighed when her brother said this, looking down at her feet. She was hurt; disappointed in a way she couldn't explain. Meanwhile Carson didn't know how to explain. He didn't want to tell his children they weren't good enough but that was almost it. He sighed deeply, giving the twins the feeling that he was a little annoyed. Charlie didn't know why but he reached behind his sister and took her hand in his own.

"It's that he's a rebel." He said, sensing already that the five year olds did not understand. "He's… he's a socialist."

"So he likes people, so what?" Charlie asked.

"And it's our birfday daddy we wanna see Lady Sybil." Charlotte hiccupped.

…

Meanwhile, Sybil was the best birthday gift young Benjamin could've ever hoped to receive. It'd been too long since he'd seen her and was enthralled by her. Robert was a little skeptical about allowing his young son to spend so much time with Branson, but Cora couldn't help but notice the similarities between her two youngest children, there were so many of them. The only big difference was that Benjamin was thus far a bit too creative to ever be as politically minded as his sister. Violet Crawley thanked heaven for that.

"My, my, my, sweetheart of a little brother how have you grown."

Benjamin had that all-consuming feeling, as he looked up at his big sister dreamily. He rested in the pit of his stomach, not like a punch or a knot, but like an animal eating him alive from the inside. Benjamin Crawley didn't know it yet, but he'd been gifted with intuition. _'She won't be around forever_.' Something told him. The five-year-old swallowed hard, dismissing the distant thought that barely rose to his consciousness, realizing he didn't think that about Grandmamma Violet, who in Ben's mind was centuries old.

"I've five now I'm old." Ben announced. Everyone laughed and his father pulled him onto his knee.

"No my boy."

"You're a baby." Cora laughed, kissing his cheek.

"Just wait until you're your father's age." Violet said.

…

"It's your birthday, I think its time to cheer up." Beryl laughed.

The twins were sick of the snow, sick of being stuck downstairs and sick of being apart from Benjamin too. Worse, they felt somehow judged by their father in a way they didn't understand. How could they be such a part of upstairs life and then get told they were bad and had to stay downstairs because Mr. Branson had somehow broke some rule. Did that mean they had too?"

"Your daddy's a bit of a curmudgeon." Elsie informed, bouncing Sam on her hip.

The twins envied their baby brother. At just six-months, Samuel Carson did not yet know that he was for some reason bad and destined to stay downstairs.

"He just doesn't approve of changing times." Their mother soothed, her words a ray of hope for her oldest two children.

"Now how about we make some cookies?" Beryl asked.

"But Auntie they're for Valentines."

"And it's our birthday still." Charlie had the hiccups now.

"Well there are two reasons for that." Elsie began, watching her chubby infant son lean down to try to get the keys off of her hip.

"First off." Beryl began. "Daisy and Ivy need some cookies to soften their valentines blues."

"Because they like Alfred, yuck." Charlie spat. Charlotte wasn't sure; she thought she could understand having a crush.

"And because you're mummy's little valentines." Elsie giggled, kissing the twins on the back of their heads.

She was almost crying she couldn't believe it'd been five years, to the day since she had the twins. Her sweet, precious, perfect babies… but they weren't babies anymore. This year they would start school, life away from Downton that she'd always planned for them and for that she was ecstatic.

Samuel watched eagerly as his siblings cooked with Mrs. Patmore. Elsie hummed, rocking him in her arms, bouncing him up and down as he slobbered on his own hand. She couldn't believe he was so big either, but glad he was still a little baby. He was still entirely breastfed, but she and Charlie were going to try and give him his first food that night. They weren't sure he was ready for it; and in an odd way, she was not looking forward to it. Elsie knew her son would be a messy eater.

The twins were excited when the cookies came out of the oven and were finally ready for them to decorate with pink and red icing. Still on his mother's hip, he watched with keen interest as she went over to the table and began to help his sister. He wondered what she was doing but was also overwhelmed by the aroma of the cookies. Without his mother noticing, he leaned down and grabbed one, examining it in his hand for a split second before he shoved it into his tiny mouth, swallowing it with gusto.

"Samuel!" Elsie panicked, almost screaming. "Oh my God!"

The twins sat perfectly still, their mouths hanging open in shock, but Beryl began to laugh.

"Why he's a tank of a little lad if I ever saw one."

"Sam, Sam sweetheart, can you open your mouth for mummy?"

Sam didn't understand, but stuck out his tongue a little before shoving his fingers inside of his mouth and beginning to gnaw on them.

"See, I told you there's nothing to worry about!" Beryl cried, her laughter startling the baby's already shocked mother further. "He's ready for those strained potatoes you had me make."

"Mummy." Charlie began. "Now we know why you were so fat, he was probably sneaking cookies then too!"

…

A few hours later the twins were up with nanny and Elsie was about to nurse Sam in the sitting room.

"I don't know about going." Elsie sighed.

Her husband stood over her shoulder, watching as she changed the baby. He'd been pressing her lately about going to Scotland and she hadn't the faintest idea why. A lot had changed in the past month and a half. Lady Mary and Matthew Crawley had finally gotten engaged and there was a society wedding to plan. They hardly had time to go on holiday. Elsie had no idea that the abbey was on its last legs financially, and her husband was worried about their future. He wanted to explore Scotland as a place they might retreat to should they get sacked. Sam fussed as his mother laid him on her desk. The tiny boy shoved his rattle in his mouth and began to chew, watching his parents as they talked and his mother started to change him.

"Elsie, we haven't been anywhere since before the twins were born." He made an excuse. "They're five now. I think it would be good for them and for our baby Samuel."

"He'll never remember it. Did you grab a clean nappy?"

"Oh. Yes. He's a happy little chap." Carson laughed, tickling his son's cheek.

Sam laughed so hard he started wetting himself again and then laughed harder because he found that funny.

"Oh!" Elise was surprised and quickly covered her son as she and her husband started to laugh too. "He's such a funny boy." Elsie soothed, tickling his ribs, causing the baby boy to laugh even harder.

"He's a very smart boy too." Carson kissed the dome of his son's head. Sam cooed and began chewing on his rattle again, soothed by his parent's affection and the fact that he thought all of this was terribly funny.

"Look at the little lad who stole his mummy's heart away." Elsie remarked. Sam squinted and yawned so big it almost totally overpowered him.

"Anymore ideas about the trip?" Carson asked.

"I'm unsure." She sighed. "He's so little I'm unsure I want to travel with him just yet. He's six months. Oh Charlie, how can he be six months?"

"Well he isn't _small_ Mrs. Hughes." He laughed.

"No." She sighed. "But you know what I mean. He's little and a handful. I don't want to travel with someone under a year old Mr. Carson." She laughed, wondering why he would. "I brought him down here to nurse before his nap. Isn't daddy silly for asking us about Scotland again Samuel when mummy already said no."

Carson paused, not really knowing what to say. This wasn't about Scotland. It was about ensuring their family a future, ensuring that he could provide for them. He couldn't say how much he wished he could tell her the truth about what was going on. It was a burden he needed to share, but he felt that he needed to be in harmony with Lord Grantham on this one… he hadn't told Cora yet either, or Mary and Matthew. But more than anything Carson didn't want to destroy Elsie's time of new motherhood with Samuel for anything. She was so happy and he'd waited years to see her like that: happy with the children she'd wanted so much.

Still, Carson thought what an odd burden it was to share this knowledge with his young daughter and no one else. It wasn't her place to know, but Charlotte was inquisitive, and caring and somehow seemed to possess a connection to Downton even he did not. He hated lying to his wife, but somehow it seemed even more wrong lying to his daughter like this, about the outcome for Downton and their own prospects too. It'd crossed Carson's mind that her being only four years old (nearly five) made her inexperienced with the world but didn't make her an idiot.

Sooner or later, he knew that both his wife and daughter would figure out he was fooling them. He was just happy Charlie didn't know, because he would've accidently spoken of it, at the wrong time.

"Charlie what's wrong?" Elsie asked, her eyes on the baby's face.

"Oh." He still didn't know what to say.

His thoughts drifted to the second thing on his mind; the thing he didn't feel he could confess to her. If things were different, if they were younger, if there were no Becky, if Downton weren't lost, he'd say it.

"Charlie you have to confess _something_ to me today." She laughed.

He knew Elsie knew _something._ 'But I can't tell her the truth. Not… not yet. Not until I know we're done for, for sure.' He thought. 'But only the ridiculous thing _not_ the news… not until I figure out what to do.'

"When do you suppose he might stop nursing?" He changed the subject.

"I was going to let him wean himself like I did with his big brother and sister, so not for a long while yet. And he _is_ Mr. Carson's son." Elsie cautioned very seriously, as she sat down with the baby. "He may be a bit attached and like his brother he's an eater, but unlike his brother he hasn't got a wee twin sister to share all the food with. Why do you ask?"

"N-nothing just a little idea I had." At the last minute, Carson thought the better of bringing it up and decided not to offer it. Now he really had nothing to ay.

"Oh? What idea?" She smiled. The concept seemed to pique her curiosity.

"Nothing." He covered quickly.

"You can tell me!" She laughed, adjusting Sam in her arms.

He sighed. "I thought…while we still have the time." He stopped again, deciding finally, what to say to her. He would praise her, and apologize in a way she wouldn't understand until later. He felt the need to apologize for a lot: for the pain of her (former) barrenness, for her being an old, tired mother, and for the probable future of his being unable to provide.

"Mr. Carson. It's all right. You can tell me anything." She soothed, cupping his cheek in her hand.

He took her hand in his and kissed it, holding it tight. "Mrs. Hughes. Thank you so much for baring me wonderful sons, and a beautiful little princess. We waited so long and now that we finally have three miracle children, three who greatly exceed all of my hopes and expectations - well I, Mrs. Hughes I must admit there's part of me that hopes we wouldn't waste the time left we have to have one more."

'There.' He thought. 'I said it.'

Elsie looked back at him with surprise but said nothing so he continued.

"I want to snatch up every missed opportunity to make beautiful children with my eyes and your smile and that." He stopped again, searching her eyes, as she looked up at him, interested now. He smiled and brushed her cheek with his thumb. "Well that we could seize every new opportunity to have a little miracle and see our face and hear our laugh every time we look at it."

She was moved by his words and felt tears spring to her eyes. "My Mr. Carson you were never so well-spoken."

"I mean every word of it. I love you as I breathe, my Mrs. Hughes. I love every child you've given me, and I treasure every moment you've ever paid me mind at all."

It was true; Carson did want to have another baby. It was the worry he wanted now, not the thought of loosing everything, and the fear that she might leave him because they had no where to go. He couldn't stand to loose her, not for anything.

"Charlie." She breathed, nuzzling him softly.

By now Sam was yawning. Carson smiled and took the baby's hand in his own. "Should Samuel be our littlest baby, that is good and well by his da." He said. "But I wanted to let you know that, that's how I felt. Partially because you're so beautiful with a child Mrs. Carson."

"Oh Charlie. That's all so sweet."

"Y-you're not mad?" He asked, surprised.

She blushed. "No. But on that note; after my last experience having your mammoth baby I'm going to have to say no." She giggled. "And besides that, I'm old for it, we know that, I'm old for this." She noted, gesturing toward he infant in her arms. "It's hard on me Charlie." She admitted.

He gulped, hoping she didn't notice. If child rearing were hard on her, how hard would it be for her to start all over in a new life somewhere else? He hadn't been sure that he could do it. He was set in his ways and had been at Downton since he was a boy, but she was accepting of change in a way he was not and much younger than he, still young enough to have a baby. If she couldn't do it, then they were certainly doomed.

Carson was a bit hurt. He knew what she would say, but part of him had been hopeful. He wanted to give her everything she'd wanted and a big family had been one of those things. 'It's alright.' He thought. 'We can't afford it anyway.'

"I know love. I didn't mean to…"

"It's a lovely thought Mr. Carson." The baby sighed as his mother spoke. "And they're the loveliest of words. So much of me would love to say yes." She confessed bittersweetly. "But that's not how it is. We're having a small family, not repopulating the earth."

Yes that's how it was. Whatever was going to be would be: Downton or not, livelihood or not. He waited a beat then spoke again, remembering the bit of savings he had.

"Mrs. Hughes. Did you ever think of opening a little inn or something? We could have all the children there with us and…"

Elsie started laughing. "That's Mr. Bates' dream, not Mr. Carson's. I think he's a little confused today." She laughed. "Charlie aren't you happy with the way things are? With Downton and your son?"

"Oh Elsie." He leaned down and kissed Sam's forehead before kissing her and getting up to leave. "Elsie Carson I am the happiest man in the whole of the world and don't ever mistake that."

Elsie sat in silence, holding her baby tight after her husband left the room, coming to realize that something was very wrong.

…..

In the end, Carson lost. Sybil and Branson came to them, and not the reverse. He should've known that the progressive Lady and her chauffer husband would come downstairs to greet everyone. Carson was a little bitter about it and worried almost beyond the scope his soul could contain. His employer sat upstairs, feeling exactly the same in every measure. Years later, Charlotte Carson would look back and see a time where the two heads of the household had soldiered on without complaint, the weight of their fading world on their shoulders.

Carson sat alone in his pantry, rocking his baby boy in his arms. Sam blinked almost ready to fall asleep. He didn't know it, but little Sam's thoughts were all on him. He thought it was wonderful to be lulled to sleep by his da. Carson smiled down at him, something about the baby comforted him in a way he couldn't name. He didn't realize it was because the little boy was a manifestation of years of hoping when there was no reason to. And because Samuel made him think, deep inside, of how strong he really was: he let him know he'd survive against the odds.

"Daddy really is so worried." He confided quietly, playing with the child's tiny fingers. "But you are his comfort my Samuel." Sam crunched his eyes shut tight and yawned again. It'd been a long, eventful day and he wanted nothing more than to sleep.

"Charlie." Elsie knocked on the door. "They want to see the baby."

Carson held Sam close, not wanting now to give up time with his son. He sighed. "He's about to fall asleep." Carson was tired too.

"It'll just be a minute and then he can see his da again. I promise."

Carson felt empty when Elsie lifted him from his embrace.

The Branson's were excited that Elsie had had another baby and wanted to see him, but wondered why even Cora had not seen fit to tell them about him. He got up, following his wife to the door, watching as the young couple he didn't approve of delighted over his new baby boy. He couldn't help but observe that they'd left Downton, that she'd left the only life she'd ever known and yet they were happy… perhaps if they had to follow suit they would find a way to be all right.


	35. Stolen Moments

Ch 35- Stolen Moments

March 20th, 1920

Samuel Carson giggled so hard he almost shrieked when he heard his father say 'peak-a-boo!' The baby boy's giggles, accompanied by his father's deep, joyful laugh filled the whole downstairs with a sound that brought utter delight to Elsie Carson's heart but startled everyone else within ear's reach.

Carson was so stern and proper most of the time that the mere idea he could be so sweet with his baby son was almost off-putting. More specifically, it came as a shock to Daisy, a sweet surprise to Anna (who thought her own husband would be just as sweet of a father), and it made Thomas feel ill. But for Mrs. Carson it was the greatest of gifts: a stark reminder of how enormously blessed she was to be a mother after all her years of waiting.

"Peek-a-boo!" Carson said again, unable to help but crack a smile at Sam's reaction. Beryl smiled half-heartedly, watching from the other side of the kitchen.

"Ha!" The baby gasped in awe, looking back as his dad covered his hands with his face, attempting to hide from his son.

A few seconds long pause on Carson's part confused the almost eight-month-old boy. He started to panic and turned his head both ways, looking around the kitchen from his place in his highchair.

'Where is he, where'd daddy go? Where's my daddy?!' He thought frantically, not looking past the hands that covered his dad's face. Sam thought his dad was actually gone and started to cry.

"Oh! Oh Samuel, Samuel what scared you, what scared, you daddy's back." He said, lifting the baby into his arms. "There lad it's not that bad." He whispered, rocking the boy as he held his head in his hands. "Shuu."

Sam was a people person, but hated to be apart from his mom and dad. He'd grown clingier ever since Elsie started putting him in the nursery with the other children.

Elsie walked in and paused, smiling as she watched her husband balance their baby son in his two hands, trying to shush him. Sam was a big baby, but still so small in comparison with her husband's mammoth hands, something about that touched Elsie deeply and she couldn't help giving off a peaceful sigh as she approached her husband and baby.

"Here Samuel look, mummy's here." Carson chuckled.

Beryl watched, feeling a bit jealous as her friend joined her husband, gazing at their son. She wasn't sure what it was but she'd felt a growing discontent ever since Samuel had been born. Sure she loved the Carson children and knew she was a valued figure in their lives but part of her was hurt. She was grateful, but not content to just be an auntie. In some way, Beryl wished she'd gone another way and had a husband and children of her own, but didn't dare allow herself to think on it.

"Times are moving fast Mr. Carson." Elsie said, watching their son yawn in his father's grasp. Sam blinked up at his parents, barely able to keep his eyes open.

"A little too fast Mrs. Hughes." He acknowledged, kissing her softly.

Carson was still worried about what the future held. Lady Mary's wedding was fast approaching and Lord Grantham had kept very tightlipped about Downton's financial situation ever since he and Charlotte had found out about it. The butler was almost offended his employer hadn't shared this information to him given that in some way he was also head of the house.

After a while, he wondered if perhaps his daughter, who seemed to be part of the house in a way he didn't yet understand, had gleaned any new information about the Lord and his finances, but when he asked she only said:

'Oh daddy you said we weren't supposed to talk about that. Remember? What, again, are finances? Oh! Money, I remember daddy!' The child grew excited for a moment. 'He lost it, right dada?' She asked sadly, her worried tone of voice breaking his heart.

Indeed the drum of time was marching on too quickly. And Carson was left to wonder helplessly where his family would find themselves come Christmas time (actually… he'd never imagine where they _would_ be at Christmas). He watched his wife as she took their baby son in her arms, something about her smile in that moment softened his heart, making him feel all the more desperate about their uncertain future.

"Come on Samuel. It's time for lunch and a nap, oooh mummy needs a nap!"

"I'll agree to that!" Beryl chuckled.

The two women were fast at work preparing for Lady Mary's wedding, which was just eight weeks away and unbeknownst to them, expected to be the last grand affair Downton would ever host. All of this added to the enormous pressure Carson was feeling.

"Good-bye daddy." Elsie giggled, kissing her husband's cheek and heading toward her sitting room. Carson watched her carefully as she walked away.

'She's so beautiful.' He thought.

Looking back, he saw the young girl he married rather than the middle aged woman she was. A beautiful woman who'd been his everything all these years and who now finally thought she had the peace and the happiness she deserved in raising the children she'd so desperately wanted. He couldn't stand to shatter that peace for anything. He couldn't imagine having to tell her that their youthful longing was to be replaced with a mountain of worry in older age. Carson sighed, resolving that he couldn't let that happen and had to get more answers from Lord Grantham or forge ahead and make a new life on his own.

…

"Do you boys want to be in a wedding?" Cora asked excitedly.

Many hours had passed and Cora was in the small library with all of the children. She too was spending much of her time excitedly planning her oldest daughter's wedding and was enjoying the break with hers son and his friends.

"Noooooo!" Ben and Charlie replied at once, both disgusted with the idea of weddings.

Seven-month-old Sam sat on the floor on a blanket looking back and forth between Lady Grantham and his big brother. He was confused by all of the excitement as of late and didn't understand why Cora and his own mother were both so busy.

"I do, I do! Please." Charlotte begged.

"Yes of course Charlotte." Cora smiled. "You're going to be a flower girl, would you like that?"

"Yay! What's that?"

Cora giggled. "You get to wear a pretty dress, walk behind Lady Mary as she walks down the aisle, you know at the church. And you get to throw flower petals all over the floor with some other little girls, does that sound like fun?"

"Yay!" Charlotte's eyes grew wide.

She loved the idea of getting to play with some other little girls for a while. Sharing the nursery with three little boys, even though they were boys she loved, made her feel somehow very lonely. Things had changed since Sam had gotten big enough to play with them: they were all older and she found herself very much outnumbered. Lady Sybil's recent visit had reminded her that she'd once had a much older girl in the house to relate to and left her feeling lonely.

Charlotte spent part of her days indulging mostly in the games the boys chose (they'd never dream of leaving her out, all three boys adored her for their own reasons), and another part of her time wishing she were with mummy, Mrs. Patmore or Cora. Charlotte never uttered it; she knew it was far too improper, but she hoped that Mary would have a baby soon after she married and that she would be a girl.

Charlotte grew excited at this prospect for a moment before she remembered that in six months they might not all even be there: life at Downton would be a memory. The little girl swallowed hard at the thought that had been eating her up inside, trying to put it in the back of her mind.

"Yay." Cora smiled, reassuring the little girl she'd grown to love.

"Charlotte wear dress?" She asked.

"Charlotte will wear a beautiful little dress."

"No dress for Charlie." Charlie practically spat causing Cora to laugh.

"I should certainly hope not." Cora laughed and Ben giggled, knowing Charlie was simply being cheeky.

"Your da would never allow that m'lad." Elsie laughed, coming into the room.

"Mummy!" Charlotte squealed, turning from the countess and running with open arms to her mother, her twin brother at her heals.

Charlotte's heart pounded. She'd kept tight-lipped about what she'd heard weeks before, but her father's worry was obvious to her, just as it was to her mother who was clueless about what was even wrong. The little girl hugged her beloved mother tightly, feeling guilty for hiding this secret from her. It seemed important.

"Hello my little lovely girl and darling boy." Elsie whispered, kissing her softly as she took Charlie in her arms too. Sam watched from Cora's feet, jealous that he couldn't also run to his mother.

"She'll be over to get you in a minute, I promise." Cora whispered to him before turning to Elsie. "Elsie I was just asking the children if they would like to be in the wedding."

"Mummy I get to be a flower girl!" Charlotte forgot her on-again, off-again angst; suddenly excited about the role she would play.

Every once in a while, Charlotte used to try to get the boys to play wedding with her and aside from Ben's occasional cooperation she usually got a resounding no, so despite all her fears she was almost entranced by the idea of being in a real wedding.

"You do?!" Elsie asked, pretending to be surprised. She rested her forehead against Charlotte's. "Charlie are you in the wedding?" She asked. He frowned and nodded slowly. "You'll be so handsome m'lad."

No one there knew how much confusion permeated the walls of that house. Everyone knew in some measure that something was wrong, the problem was most of them thought they were on their own in knowing it. Cora thought the financial problem wasn't as bad as it was, and didn't realize it wasn't a secret confined to her bedroom. Charlotte felt guilty for knowing something she didn't understand and Elsie knew her husband was deeply burdened by something important. By deduction she'd reasoned it had to do with the house. If it were more personal he'd have said. Even Thomas had heard rumblings, and was in the midst of a plan to ensure that he retain his status at Downton… and that Miss O'Brien did not.

The abundant confusion that accompanied the whole mess resonated in little Charlotte's soul in such a way that she'd always be able to recognize a similar problem brewing. One day when she was grown she'd look back on this experience, this feeling she had of impermanence and uncertainty and use it to help save Downton for real.

Charlotte nervously played with the buttons on her mother's dress, feeling the need to make a confession, but again she kept quiet. Today she would simply be a flower girl, not a brave girl. Unbeknownst to her, she would choose to do the same thing Cora was doing: channel all of her worry and angst into the wedding and her role in it.

"Cora there is just one thing." Elsie said, kissing her twins and going to pick up Sam. The baby squealed in delight, reaching for his mom. "The way they've designed the floral arrangements is a bit haphazard. To do what Lady Mary wants they'll have to take off the front doors, I wasn't sure you would be…"

"Yes. I'm amenable to that Elsie. I know Carson won't be."

"He isn't going to believe me." She confessed. "And he won't like it."

"Under other circumstances I don't think I'd like it either." Cora admitted, lifting Ben onto her lap. He sat and began to look at her needlepoint. "But the doors of his house will be open soon enough." She sighed.

A few minutes later, Elsie took her children and made her way back downstairs, deeply disturbed by her friend's comment. What did she mean the doors would be open soon enough? What doors, to who and why? Elsie was confused but knew in her heart that it had something to do with her husband's increasing discontent.

…..

5 Hours Later

"Are you sure?" Mary asked, knitting her eyebrows together in an almost annoyed display of misunderstanding.

The fire crackled filling the silence in the room before Carson finally spoke for his son. Matthew and Lady Mary, you see, had made a request of the youngest Carson, one his parents didn't feel he was prepared to honor. As a result they'd been called up to the drawing room to see the young couple after dinner.

"We appreciate your offer and are honored you considered Samuel, m'lady." Carson began. Elsie stood next to him, holding the baby in her arms as he sucked on his hand.

"You're sure?" Mary urged.

"No m'lady. He'll eat it." Elsie insisted.

"Well surely we can tie it to…" Matthew began, speaking of the wedding ring they'd wanted baby Sam to hold during the ceremony.

"No Mr. Crawley. I'm afraid he will… _consume_ it." Carson finished.

The four paused watching the baby chew on his own hand, his father's words needing no explanation.

"I see." Mary smiled quickly, her voice almost sharp.

"He's a happy little chap." Matthew laughed and Elsie smiled in agreement, looking down at her son.

"Yes Mr. Crawley, he is." Elsie almost swooned over her infant son.

"We'd only wished to _include_ Samuel." Mary said. "Along with all the other children after all, he is a part of this house why shouldn't he be in the wedding?"

Carson sighed as they made their way out into the hall, Elsie still focused on her baby. "I feel a little bad. It would've been nice for Sam to have been in the wedding. See m'lad sometimes being a big, chubby baby will get you in trouble." She giggled, kissing his cheek.

"He'll only be part of the house for so long anyway." Carson mumbled, walking ahead of his wife as she focused on their drooling baby.

Elsie stopped for a moment her confusion turning to anger as she considered Cora's earlier comment about the house. In an instant she knew it was time to finally ask him, to make him tell her what was wrong.

"Charlie? What on earth does that mean?!" Elsie asked angrily. "After almost a month I think you owe me an explanation. I know something's wrong."

"Not right now Elsie." He gave an impatient, almost angry sigh.

"Mr. Carson?!" She demanded.

"Carson?" Robert asked, sticking his head out one of the other doors.

Carson didn't answer his wife, and instead followed Lord Grantham, leaving her and Samuel in the foyer on their own.

"Mmmm." Sam mumbled, looking up at his mom with great big blue eyes.

"Ah!" She jumped, noting he had her keys in his mouth.

…

The Carsons barely spoke on the way home and when they did they argued. Charlotte and Charlie had never seen their parents so upset with one another. Charlotte, knowing what she did about her father's burdens, found the whole thing distressing and wondered if she could fix the row with just a bit of her own insight. But it was late and although the twins were smart they were little. Both fell asleep on their father's shoulders as they made their way home, their parent's bickering with one another sending the pair off to a night of restless sleep and dark dreams.

"You could tell me." She said, tucking Sam into his crib. Her voice was quiet but carried with it an undertone of anger and pain. Carson could sense his wife felt betrayed.

'I'm trying to spare you.' He longed to say. 'I'm doing this for you.'

It began to rain the moment they walked inside the house. Neither bothered to pour a drink or stoke the fire and instead, tucked the children in bed first thing. Carson looked around the house. _His house._ And as he tucked his children in bed, thought about how they soon might not have a place to sleep. How they wouldn't just loose Downton but possibly their own home too. He owned the house, outright. But once his savings went where would they go? He followed Elsie to the kitchen, hearing the storm pick up outside.

"I… it's difficult for me." He tried to explain, hesitating as she went about her home chores, smashing things around in the kitchen.

"What would you not share with me?" She asked her eyes flashing as she slammed a drawer shut.

He paused, seeing pain in her eyes. It crushed him to see her hurt. There'd been so much of that in the early days of their marriage when they should've been able to be young and carefree. He'd never forget the pain in her eyes that seemed to come each month when she'd discover that she was not pregnant. He'd never forget his own pain of continual separation from her, of not being able to sleep with her, or hold her, to share an overwhelming joy that had never faded: that she was his wife.

"What could you possibly _not_ share with me?" She urged, tears in her eyes.

She believed this was about Downton but had started to wonder if it were personal. She remembered his near heart attack several years before and was now worried this was related to that. What if he were sick? What would she do alone with three babies? And even if it were about the house, what if the stress did affect his heart? She was about to more thoroughly express her concern for him, rather than her anger with him when he spoke again.

"Well what did you not share with me?" He thundered, obviously affronted. "You told me you couldn't bare my children Elsie and then went and had a risky, painful operation to fix it without telling me. Without giving me the opportunity to be there for you."

Her words had been a trigger point for him, he'd been angry since he found out about the surgery that had enabled her to bare Charlotte, Charlie and Samuel, and couldn't believe she'd kept it from him. It made him feel like she didn't trust him with her life, and even though she didn't know it, her life and their children's rested presently in his mammoth but unsteady hands.

"I was just trying to spare you." She said softly, her voice wavering as her heartbeat spiked. "I'm doing it for you."

"I feel…as though the ground I walk on were shaking." He admitted. She swallowed hard as he approached her.

"Charlie, please. I'm your wife. I know something's wrong please just say it."

Carson paused for a moment before pressing his lips deeply into hers, pushing her up against the kitchen counter with force. She was surprised but sunk deep into his kiss, almost more excited than anything else. It had been a long time since he'd come upon her lips first, primal, uninhibited and seemingly ready to just take her wherever she stood. Elsie tilted her head, giving him further access to her mouth as she wrapped her arms around him.

Such an encounter was a vestige of their previously private, childless marriage. At one time it had been very common for him to just descend upon her as it were, taking her whenever it seemed they had the chance to be alone together and be intimate. At the time, it had been the only way they could come together: in his pantry, or her sitting room or wherever else they could find in the depth of the night. The two would suffer throughout the day that followed, having foregone much needed sleep in favor of a night of passion spent with the other.

Carson thought about this as he kissed his wife, lovingly caressing her face in his hands. _That_ had been no way for a young man to spend time with his wife. Stolen moments were something for lovers, for people sneaking around doing wrong: not for happily married couples. Carson found himself saddened they'd spent so much time sneaking around, that he'd allowed his precious wife and his time with her to be cheapened in anyway. He felt cheated, and all the more so knowing he'd done it for the sake of their lives in this house, something that was just going to crash down all around them anyway.

Elsie considered all of this as she started to unbutton his shirt. She had no shame for sneaking around with her husband and while in some way, she felt cheated over having to hide their marriage, she also sort of missed those days. Carson was too proper to admit, even to her, that he felt the same. After all, there was a lot to be said for sneaking around. For Elsie, her husband's unexpected physical pursuit of her in the kitchen that night had been a wonderful reminder of what it had been like to be young, of the thrill she'd always felt in being with him and finally of the allure of being caught.

She adored the sanctity and the warmth of their marriage bed, but before tonight never could've admitted that she missed the random wall or desk. It'd all changed once she'd finally become pregnant with Charlotte and Charlie.

'I can't make love to the mother of my children on a _desk_.' He'd said, treating the word like it was filth.

But tonight, Carson found himself frustrated and scared. He needed to feel young again, like there was anything in the world he might be able to control, and so he found himself returning to the walls and desks of his youth, ready to steal the evening with his surprised but eager wife.

Elsie searched his eyes when they pulled apart, wanting to question him further, but knowing definitively that he wouldn't give her an honest reply to her inquires. Something was wrong and whatever it was, it was beyond her ability to fix it in any permanent sort of way. Elsie gently rubbed her hands over his bare chest, his shirt now totally unbuttoned. Laying her hands over his beating heart she leaned forward and kissed the center of his chest as he collected her hands in his own. Elsie paused for a minute, trying to discern what he could be feeling. It was something that had been bothering her and continued to as she searched his face. Elsie decided in that moment, that she wouldn't press him and that instead, the only thing she would do that night was be the wife he clearly needed her to be.

"My dearest one…" He whispered, deciding he should explain _something_ to her. Carson looked down into her eyes his heart leaping as he thought of how much it pained him to let her down.

"No, no Charlie." She soothed, looking up at him as the wind howled in the distance. "Shuuu. You don't need to say anything else my love."

Carson spoke not a word, tears coming to his eyes in gratitude for his wife's forgiving heart and took her face in his hands softly brushing her cheek with his thumb. She stood on her tiptoes as he leaned down and started to kiss her once more, taking comfort in the warmth of her lips. Elsie yelped a little in excitement but didn't break their lip lock when she felt him lift her into his arms. He held her close, kissing her deeply as the thunderstruck and together they sunk onto the floor.


	36. I Now Pronounce You

Ch 36- I Now Pronounce You…

May 1920

"Mummy you still love me?" Charlotte asked as her mother slipped the dress over her head, a rush of petal pink silk engulfing the girl's vision.

"Mummy always, always loves you Charlotte Carson." Elsie whispered, kissing Charlotte's forehead twice once the dress was on.

"No matter what?" She hiccupped.

"No matter what." Elsie smiled.

Several weeks had passed and the wedding was quickly approaching. Charlotte was excited because she was downstairs when all the dresses, including her own, arrived from the dressmaker. The little girl had grown just a bit recently and so Elsie quickly took her into her sitting room to try it on, needing to make sure that it still fit. Elsie beamed, getting on her knees with the girl, thinking she looked like a beautiful little doll. Even after five years of being her mother, she could barely believe that the sweet little girl was hers. She smiled, preoccupied with many of her own thoughts as she dressed her child, wondering if she'd one day have the pleasure of dressing her for her own wedding.

"Mummy?" Charlotte whispered. Elsie smiled, feeling her wee one's breath on her face. The child grabbed her mother's cheeks, making sure her gaze was on her. "Mummy do I look like a princess?" She whispered.

Charlotte had always wanted to look like a princess and moreover wanted to do it at Downton while she still could: it was the only place where she thought such fantasies were possible.

"Yes my wee girl you do look like a princess to mummy." She said, running her fingers through her daughter's hair.

"Mummy what you thinking?" She asked, noting her mother seemed somewhat distant. In reality, the word was reflective.

Elsie gathered herself and smiled. She had a lot on her mind. Good and bad. Present and future. She was worried about her husband and still didn't know what his concern was but he wouldn't confess it to her, even after many weeks and she was growing worried.

"That my little princess looks so much like a beautiful grown up lass and that mummy is so very proud of her."

Charlotte beamed. "Mummy does still love me!"

"Oh Charlotte where would you get the idea that I don't?"

"Charlotte feel left out because of brothers." Charlotte confessed. She had been holding this in for many months.

"Oooh my Charlotte. Your brothers do take up a bit of time the rambunctious lads." She giggled, thinking of her boys.

Elsie could see where her daughter might feel left out. Charlie and Sam were becoming quite pair and Benjamin had quickly taken his place as their third musketeer. The whole thing had put Charlotte out and the little girl didn't voice the thing heavy on her heart: that she was lonely.

"My love, you need never feel unloved. Your father and I treasure you. And so do all the little boys in your life."

Charlotte knew that Ben and her brothers still loved her and always would, but it didn't take the ache of loneliness she felt away. In many ways, she just wanted her twin to herself again. She felt that Charlie, her best friend, the boy she'd grown in her mother's womb with, had found a better friend in their baby brother and the idea crushed her. Charlotte stood on her tiptoes and kissed her mother's nose.

"Mummy and daddy love their Charlotte very much, no matter what changes in life or how big she grows." Elsie soothed, sensing her child's pain as she brushed her almost red hair out of her face.

The girl was stressed, not just by the changes in her social life, or her loneliness, but by the secret she kept: that Downton was in trouble. It was all too confusing for a five-year-old little girl and she felt continually overwhelmed and overly responsible at the thought. Charlotte paused and simply hugged her mother, the closeness easing the knot deep in her tummy.

"Charlotte." She kissed her cheek. "Mummy loves her sweet wee girl so very much more than anything in the whole world." Elsie sensed her daughter needed to be held and took her quickly on her lap.

"You no love brothers more?" She asked.

"No. Just the same as Charlotte, but that's so much more than mummy's heart can contain!" Elsie sighed; not saying her love for them overwhelmed her. "Your daddy and I could have absolutely nothing but you and your brothers and our world would be perfect." She whispered.

Charlotte's eyes widened like saucers, the idea of having _nothing_ caught her ear. "You mean no food, no nothing?" She had to make sure of what her mother meant. The little girl tried not to cry. She was afraid they wouldn't have any food, like that other little Charlie, Ethel's boy. But they had daddy so there'd have to be food, right?

Elsie noticed her daughter's unease, taken aback by her obvious worry but said nothing about it. "No nothing my little love. Charlotte and Charlie and Samuel mean the world to mummy and daddy." Elsie smiled deeply as Charlotte, who sat on her knees facing her, grabbed both of her cheeks.

"Mummy you green." The child said matter of factly, suddenly changing the subject, her spirits seeming to brighten at the oddity.

"Oh? Am I?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, mother and daughter looked up surprised and unhappy to have been interrupted.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Carson but Mrs. Patmore sent me to get you about some decisions that need to be made for the wedding dinner."

"Oh yes that's right." She sighed, giving Charlotte a kiss. "Thomas, can you take Charlotte back up to nanny please?"

Thomas watched as the little girl smiled and approached him, reaching her arms for him in excitement. It seemed strange to him that someone with Carson's blood coursing through her veins should take such a liking to him but he'd decided to accept the friendship, not knowing it would be one that would last him all his life. One day, the reigning adults of Downton Abbey, from Benjamin Crawley and Charlotte Carson to Sybbie Branson would all joke they'd grown up on Thomas's shoulders.

"Yes of course." He couldn't help but laugh a little as he placed her on his shoulders. "Up we go, Miss Charlotte."

"Green?" Elsie whispered to herself, touching her face as she went down the hall.

…

Two Days Later

The wedding couldn't have come quickly enough for some members of the household but for others like Carson and Lord Grantham it'd come all too soon. Both felt a bittersweet tug in their heart about marrying off Lady Mary, the kind of tug only fathers feel, and moreover both dreaded what would follow the wedding. It would be inevitable. Lord Grantham would start to make cuts and Carson would have to aid him. Together, the two men would have to sack nearly everyone in the house. Following that, Carson knew he would either be sacked himself or transferred to a very unhappy existence in London, his family and Mrs. Patmore in tow.

Carson had had little success in finding out what was truly to come and even less in forging a new path for himself. What he had been told was that he was _indispensable_ to the family and that if nothing else _he_ (not necessarily even he and Elsie) would likely keep his job. While somewhat relieved by Lord Grantham's assurance of security, Carson still bristled at the thought of all of this bad change and was mourning the house before it was even truly lost. He was a family man that was for sure. His life meant nothing without his wife and his children and while he'd briefly considered fleeing to Scotland with them, he realized that he didn't know who he was without Downton Abbey. He'd always thought he'd die there and haunt the walls forever after, family man or not and had no idea his young daughter felt much the same.

Knowing they wouldn't be cast out into the cold like everyone else, Carson felt slightly less guilty about keeping the transition from Elsie all of this time, but decided nonetheless that now, before the wedding was the time to relay the truth. The news and even the rumors of change would be widespread soon and he didn't want her to find out from anyone but him.

To him, letting her find out any other way smacked of betrayal and he could never betray her. Carson could see it now, she'd find out just before the wedding and not be speaking to him and when the minister pronounced Mary and Matthew wed, he'd instead feel sentenced.

"Mrs. Hughes." He said, poking his head out of his pantry as she passed. He noticed she was carrying a large basket full of laundry but paid it little mind. "I have something rather important to discuss with you."

"Oh?" She smiled. "It just so happens I have something to discuss with you Mr. Carson."

"Oh." He was a little surprised, and had hoped to not confuse the issue.

"Charlie I don't suppose it could wait, I do have to take this upstairs and it's a wee bit heavy." She said as the sheets began to wrestle and then giggle.

Carson did a double take, looking down to see his baby son lying in the basket mixed in with the clean sheets.

"Oh my wee lad's awake now." She teased, bouncing the basket as she began to walk away. "That means its time for your lunch and then to take you back to nanny. Charlie, we'll talk when we get home tonight?"

"V-very well then." He hesitated, shutting his door, wondering if he'd ever get to tell her.

….

The Wedding Day

Sybil smiled, grinning from ear to ear, watching from the steps of the church as Charlie and Ben played on the lawn. She still didn't regret her decision to leave Downton and marry Branson but she did miss her family, her baby brother especially. He watched her closely as he played with his friend. He was proud of himself and taking special care to ensure that she was watching.

"They sound like they're having fun. I can't believe how much they've grown." Tom remarked, laughing as Charlie shrieked.

"I got a froggie! Benjamin look, it's a froggie!"

Tom and Sybil laughed as Ben ran hurriedly over to see what his friend had found not knowing the boys had been on a days long quest for a frog, one they planned on later _surprising_ Miss O'Brien with. The couple watched, amused as the boys stood in the middle of the lawn, even as guests filed into the church, looking eagerly at the frog.

"Can we bring him in? I mean we should invite him." Ben suggested, figuring it was only the right thing to do.

"Of course, but he does need a coat and tails, after all." Charlie added, a thought appropriate for Carson's son.

"Yes. Your papa will be very cross if he's not dressed right." Ben remarked, the term papa causing Charlie to wonder for the first time why Ben and his sisters said papa and he and his sister said daddy or da.

"I've got to get back. It's almost time to go in. Do you want help with them?" Tom whispered to his wife, kissing her cheek.

"No, no. I can handle it." She giggled. Sybil walked away from the church steps and went to the boys when her husband went inside. "What are you up to?" She inquired kindly.

"Sybil, look we found froggie!" Ben squealed, excited to share his news with his favorite sister.

"Can he come to the wedding?" Charlie pled as Sybil bent down on her knees to talk to them.

"I don't think he'd feel entirely welcome." She said, turning to see her husband, whom she knew also didn't feel welcome. He'd come back outside with Matthew and began to greet people.

"But he's our froggie and we wanna keep him." Ben said, reaching out to pet the frog that Charlie held.

The frog made a loud, guttural _ribet_ sound that caused the boys to squeal and laugh, each pulling away from it for a moment before poking it again.

"I want to take him home." Ben admitted.

"I wanna show my brother." Charlie said, knowing Sam would become very delighted by the sight of the frog. He would laugh and clap and probably try to eat it or hug it he wasn't sure which.

"Well, I hardly think frogs are welcome at weddings." Sybil started, knowing she wouldn't convince the boys to give it up.

"We know we don't have tails for him." Charlie hiccupped as Sybil laughed.

"I'll tell you what. I'll keep him, in my purse, right here, see? And when we return to the abbey, we'll find a place to keep him." She promised, gently taking the frog.

The boys watched eagerly as she scooped their new friend up and put him in her small handbag. Ben took her hand as she led them back to the church and rested his head against her arm, so happy to be with her he felt practically in heaven.

"I wove you Sybil, you're my faborite." Ben whispered loudly enough for everyone to hear.

"I love you too." She smiled, beaming down at him. The sun eclipsed her hair and her eyes and the image of her in that moment stuck in his mind, as something he'd always remember.

"And my brother is here too." He smiled up at Tom. "Are you my brother now too?" He asked, tugging on Matthew's jacket, the question catching him off guard.

Matthew Crawley smiled, looking down at the boy who'd by birth stolen his place as heir. Benjamin knew nothing of this, or of his sister Mary's secret dislike of him and searched the man's eyes for approval. But unlike Mary, Matthew was kind.

"Yes I suppose I am. It should be nice to have a little brother." He figured.

"Benjamin?" Charlie asked.

"Hmmm?"

"Isn't it odd that your brothers are grown up and mine is just a baby?"

But Ben didn't have time to answer, as just then the brigade of flower girls approached. They made their way into the church in an orderly fashion, four rows of two girls, the tallest in the front, and the littlest in the back. Charlotte caught Ben's eye at once, she was the littlest girl in the lot of them and the only one with her red-auburn hair. Ben said nothing, his thoughts and his words so jumbled he couldn't sort them as she walked by. Charlie attempted to speak to his twin, but she turned her nose at him, whispering instead to one of the other girls.

"Hey!" Charlie cried. "What was the idea of that? Ben what did… Ben?" He asked, turning to his friend, realizing he was still staring in Charlotte's direction. "Hey what did she do that for? And why are you staring?"

"I… she…" Ben stammered. "Charlotte's pretty today."

"Ew, no she isn't!" Charlie cried.

Sybil, the only adult who'd been paying attention, got on her knees, finding the whole thing very cute. "Charlie yes she was, she looked like a little princess." Ben nodded in agreement.

…

A Half An Hour Earlier

"You look beautiful Mrs. Carson, you'll be the most beautiful woman in the room." Carson smiled as she walked into the hall from her sitting room, happy to see his wife in something other than one of her ordinary black dresses.

She was all dressed up and held Sam in both of her arms, bouncing him carefully as he sucked on his fingers. Although he was still a true baby, with no teeth and very little hair, Sam was big and looked it when in his tiny mother's arms. Carson chuckled and tickled his son's cheek, proud as he gazed at his family. Having been interrupted at every turn, he'd still not told Elsie his news and was going to force her to listen right after the wedding. But for now he was in awe of her. She looked so beautiful standing there with Sam she seemed to glow or shine somehow.

"I do not Mr. Carson and it's not my day I'm not the bride."

"Everyday in my eyes is your day because everyday you're my beautiful bride." Carson smiled, leaning in to kiss his wife.

Sam kicked his feet and gurgled happily as his father leaned in to his mother, squishing him in the middle. Mrs. Patmore smiled briefly, watching from the other room before turning her back to yell at Daisy. Elsie sighed as he leaned his forehead against hers.

"Mummy, Daddy!" Charlotte burst, tugging on her father's jacket.

She'd come downstairs with the nanny's permission before all the flower girls left for the church. Charlie and Benjamin were already there with Matthew Crawley, Tom and Sybil.

"Well hello my little sweetheart!" Carson beamed. "My you look so beautiful."

"Thank you daddy!" She giggled as he swept her into his arms and kissed her cheek.

Elsie smiled, tears in her eyes as she watched how sweet her husband was to their little girl. It was the most precious thing on earth to her, to watch him be the father she always knew he would be. Some days it was still surreal. Today especially.

"Charlotte you look so wonderful my lass."

"Thank you mummy!"

"Charlotte." He said quietly. "I just want you to remember. Daddy thinks you'll be the prettiest girl in the whole room."

Charlotte smiled deeply, seeming touched by her father's words.

"No daddy that's Lady Mary's job because she's getting married!"

"I'm sure she'll be beautiful but, Charlotte will still be the prettiest girl in the room." He assured.

Elsie was deeply touched he could say this to their daughter when she knew he still loved Mary almost like a daughter. The notion took Elsie back to a time that had pained her so much, when she couldn't have a child and her husband doted on little lady Mary as if she were his. It had hurt her so much. Back then she had no hope of ever being where she was now and never would've imagined her young children would be in Mary's wedding. In hindsight the thought was overwhelming and in that moment her heart flooded with graditude and awe.

"You look wonderful my lass, but you need to head upstairs now. The prettiest girl." Elsie teased when Charlotte left. "I think you say that to all the girls."

"Just to my girls." He promised.

…..

"Would you like me to take him?" Carson asked, watching as his wife held their smallest son.

They stood in church waiting for the ceremony to begin. Sam kicked and cooed happily, sucking on his hands, as he looked around, delighted by all the people. The baby boy was a people person. Carson had wanted to hold his son all morning and thought Elsie seemed to be having quite a time holding him still.

"No Mr. Carson he's alright. But he is certainly your wee lad." She laughed.

Carson beamed, his heart softened by his wife's smile. He watched, almost tearing up as she looked down into their baby's face, whispering to him and causing him to giggle. He stopped when the music started to play and they all turned toward the aisle. The flower girls came first and Carson's heart leapt when he saw his little girl. She looked so precious and so grown up at once. It made him feel like time was slipping away. In an instant her little life flashed before his eyes: baby Charlotte, present Charlotte, and Charlotte as a grown woman walking down the same aisle. Tears started to toll down his cheeks realizing it was coming all too soon.

Sam gurgled and reached for his sister when he saw her, kicking his mother hard in the process.

"Shu, calm down my lad." Elsie whispered. "Besides, you wouldn't want to kick your baby sister would you?"

"Elsie?!" Carson asked under his breath, his eyebrows rising as he turned to her. She smiled, almost blushing, holding their baby but declining to answer him as the music started to play.

He stared back at her as the wedding officially began. She smiled, swaying Samuel gently in her arms as she watched the proceedings but he'd checked out, unable to focus on anything but her or hear anything other than what she'd just said. He came to when she gently reached over and took his hand as the minister said:

" _Do you Matthew take thee Mary_ …"

"Oh I take thee Elsie." He whispered, tears in his eyes as he squeezed her hand.

The couple, who'd eloped so many years before had never gotten the chance to exchange their vows in a church, or in front of people who they loved and in the moment (his heart already full of love after what she'd just said) he decided that now was the time for them to reaffirm their commitment. The thought touched her so deeply it brought her to tears.

"And I take thee my Charlie." She whispered back, crying now. "In sickness and in health."

"To love, honor and cherish, with thy body and the whole of my being I thee worship." He wiped the tears from her eyes, repeating what he'd said to her on their wedding night.

"As long as we both shall live." She whispered, turning to him with love in her deep blue eyes.

Sam reached down and gurgled as he placed his tiny hand on top of his parent's clasped hands. They laughed quietly through their tears and intertwined his tiny palm in their joined grasp as the minister pronounced them wed.


	37. Something To Tell You

Ch 37- Something To Tell You

"Elsie?" Carson asked, still stunned by her words when the ceremony was over and they began to make their way to the reception.

He'd barely been able to hold in his questions for all that time. She smiled knowingly and let him continue talking, almost in a panic. He couldn't believe his ears and she could tell he was nervous.

"Elsie I…again? Really? When you said you didn't…"

They were walking with scores of other people along the path to Downton, the world seeming to rush around them. But for Carson it was like only they were there, he was still in some measure shocked. He grabbed her arm gently, stopping her as the bulk of the crowd hurried on ahead, their own children and Benjamin ran by in passing as they played a little game together. Charlotte's time with the other girls had not lasted long and she ended up back with her pack of boys. Lonely or not she would soon realize this was where she was meant to be. Sam sucked his fingers, gazing up at his stunned father. Elsie smiled and took his hand, placing it on her midsection, just aside from where Sam rested on her hip.

"Mr. Carson, this is Lucy." She told him, tears coming to his eyes in an instant.

"Lucy?" He asked carefully.

She nodded quickly tears in her eyes as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Are you sure?" He asked; his eyes sparkled.

"Dr. Clarkson says she's going to be a Christmas baby."

"A Christmas baby. Elsie that's perfect." He beamed. "That's absolutely perfect."

" _Your symptoms are consistent with the first trimester of pregnancy." Dr. Clarkson had said._

 _It had all happened very randomly when Elsie took Samuel for his checkup a day earlier and she'd confessed to the doctor that she didn't feel very well herself. She hadn't really noticed until Charlotte told her she was green._

" _You're having me on." Elsie's eyes widened. "I only just had him he's a tiny wee baby!" She reminded. Sam hiccupped as his mother held him up on the exam table. Sam took the end of the stethoscope Dr. Clarkson was wearing and put it up to his ear._

" _And Samuel's the picture of health." He smiled at the baby._

" _This soon? I need to sit down."_

 _Dr. Clarkson sighed. "I do hope you're not upset."_

" _N-no… just surprised is all." Elsie's mind slipped back several weeks to the cold, stormy night in the kitchen with her husband and very suddenly her cluttered mind seemed to clear._

Elsie had had no idea how she was going to tell him about the surprise baby. She'd been nervous and figured she'd keep it to herself for a while and that one evening, probably as he came into her pantry, she'd begin with: _"Mr. Carson, I have something to tell you."_ But as soon as Sam kicked her, right in her tummy, then out it came. Carson was shocked but deeply touched by the news. For him, her announcement had been perfect right down to the last syllable uttered and the beautiful glow of her eyes. He wanted another daughter so much, but since there was no way of knowing whether or not the child really was a Lucy, he decided to welcome the idea of baby William into his heart earlier than he had with Sam.

"Come here my baby lad." Carson said, taking him from Elsie. The baby whimpered in protest, wanting to stay with his mom. "Mummy's little back needs a break from you Sam and daddy misses his big, strong boy and has wanted to hold him all day long." Sam would've continued to cry if Carson hadn't kissed his cheek. "You're going to have a little baby brother or sister your age to play with soon, did you know that my Samuel?"

"I am worried about that though…"

"What?"

"I'm going to try not to wean him… as best I can. I refuse to have him bottle fed with what happened to Charlie … and I'm afraid that because of this I won't be able to give him the love and attention I've given the others, and I love my baby boy so much. He doesn't even barely have hair yet Mr. Carson!"

Elsie adored her baby son and had been intent for a long time now on coddling him for as long as she could. In some way, this threw a wrench into things. Carson smiled suddenly, jostling the baby in his arms.

"Well then, we will just have to make sure that Samuel never goes without our affections. We were able to do that with twins, Mrs. Hughes this shouldn't be too different. I love this wee lad of ours he means more to me than I do to myself, did you know that Samuel?"

Elsie watched her husband coddle the baby boy as they walked back to Downton, yards behind everyone else. The baby giggled in his dad's face, smiling brightly and Elsie smiled inside, unable to help but think about what a wonderful father he was. Things were just as she'd always known they could be. Soon, they would have four children and a crowded tiny little house and part of Elsie wondered if they'd gone overboard.

"Elsie we weren't even trying…" He said, still focused on Sam. He'd wanted one more and she'd said no.

"I should hope not. We have our three and I'm getting a bit old for it."

Elsie was happy but scared. She wasn't completely sure she was up to having another baby, no matter how much she loved her baby. She didn't know how to tell him that without having him think she was upset or that she didn't want it. Oh how she wanted it, she was just afraid it would be the end of her.

"Don't tell me you're unhappy." He said. It would crush him if she were unhappy carrying his baby.

"No." She said quickly. "Never. I could never be unhappy about our baby. I'm just surprised."

"Well I am so very happy my Mrs. Hughes and so will the twins be. My Elspeth we tried for a family for so long, lets enjoy every second of it. We owe it to ourselves. Number four, Elsie." He squeezed her hand. "Number four. I cannot believe it." His heart flipped at the thought that he was going to be a daddy again.

"Well prepare yourself for baby boy number three."

"How do you figure that?" He arched his eyebrows at her.

"Oh Mr. Carson I can't get pregnant without having a lad." She giggled. "Haven't you noticed?"

"Why yes I have." He laughed. "Wonderful sons Elsie." He said, lifting Sam up high and kissing his nose. "Wonderful sons."

"Yes Mr. Carson wonderful sons and beautiful daughters. But I do have a question; what have you been meaning to tell me?"

She'd felt sick ever since Charlotte had told her she was green and didn't know she was about to experience the worst morning sickness she'd ever had. Her impending illness made her feel much more on edge about whatever it was her husband was keeping from her. She knew she couldn't emotionally handle pregnancy and being left in the dark by him at the same time.

Carson paused, having been so shocked by her news that he'd momentarily forgotten the life-changing dilemma he'd yet to inform her of. His heart began to pound at the thought of another mouth to feed on half the salary and he didn't know what to say to her so he simply started to laugh.

'Oh my lord.' He said to himself as he laughed. 'My wife's pregnant. We might have nothing and my wife's pregnant.'

"Charlie?"

"Oh Elsie." He sighed, leaning down and kissing her deeply. "I love you, oh how I love you Mrs. Carson."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. They could have nothing in the world but each other and their wonderful four and it would be enough.

…..

The next day the family departed for London leaving Carson uncertain as to the ground on which he stood. There'd been talk of a large sum of money. Carson had overheard it after the wedding once the guests and the new couple had left. It would seem that Matthew Crawley had inherited the estate of the late Miss Swire's father and that he was offering the sum for the sake of Downton, so that it could be saved. But Lord Grantham was prideful.

"I'm going to London." He'd told Carson privately. "To put some affairs in order, and to think it all over."

Carson was uneasy but understood his employer's thoughts. There was a lot to think over. He didn't know if he could seriously consider another man's _bailing him out_ if he were Lord Grantham. At the same time he needed answers. He still needed to talk to Elsie and didn't know how to break the news to her now that she was pregnant. He felt the need to be far gentler with her now than even before and this was not a subject one could make gentler.

Carson walked home late after the family left for the city. Elsie had taken the children home hours before and he was tired, but decided to enjoy the time he was about to spend with his family. He had told Lord Grantham privately of Elsie's newfound condition, and had been permitted to stay home with his family for a while before coming to London.

The rain started to fall as he neared home. He ran into the house, greeted by the warmth of the fire and the aroma of his wife's cooking. She was setting the table by the time he approached and he could hear the twins playing upstairs. He took a moment and just sighed; soaking in everything his home was and all he carried in his heart of it.

"Lucy." He smiled coming up behind his wife as she sat the table. He encircled her with his great big, loving arms and kissed her neck softly as she giggled, trying and failing to push him away. "Charlie and Charlotte and Samuel and Lucy. How incredibly wonderful my Mrs. Hughes." He said, hugging her tight. "We're going to get to live on in four beautiful people who are all our own. In a daughter, in two strong sons, and now a fourth, possibly a Lucy, or a William or a James or an Andrew." He kissed her neck again and she shut her eyes gently.

"How does that make you feel Mr. Carson?" She asked. He placed his hands on her stomach and she giggled, putting her hands over his as he kissed her neck again.

"Like I were the proudest man in the whole of the world." He said simply. The real answer was strong, young, virile: so in love with her.

Sam observed from his place in his highchair, holding his spoon as he watched his father hold his mother tight. He was far too little to understand what was being said, or even what they'd tried to explain to him, but on some level he understood the love conveyed by the way his father held his mother in his arms. She turned around in his grasp and placed her arms around his, sinking into his lips before kissing his nose.

"And I the proudest woman." She whispered, tears in her eyes as he kissed her neck again. The real answer was truly and deeply happy.

She was still afraid, but over the past day she'd realized how happy her heart was. The couple had known jointly of their news, for a day, and were still overwhelmed. Carson was beyond thrilled and if it weren't for the sake of the children would've tried to take his wife against the wall when he got home that night, as he did when they were first married.

"I love you Charles Carson." She kissed him softly, whispering into his mouth. "Thank you for sticking by me."

"I love you Elspeth Hughes, thank you for never giving up on our family and the idea that we would have one. Even after three, I can't believe we're having a baby!"

"Aaaaoo!" They pulled apart when they heard their baby son burst.

"Oh my lad!" Elsie giggled as her husband began to laugh. Sam dropped his spoon and leaned over the side of his highchair, trying to reach for it.

"Come here my darling boy!" Carson said.

"Charlie, Charlotte, its time for supper, loves." Elsie called.

"Should we tell them?" Carson asked, lifting his baby into his arms and kissing his cheek.

"Yes. Now I think it's time to tell them, after dinner when its time for their bedtime story."

…

"Awweeee." Samuel Carson squealed, his yawn overtaking his chunky little body and forcing him to close his eyes.

The baby lay near the nursery window looking out at the stars that shown brightly in the spring sky. The clouds had cleared and the twins had fallen asleep before their parents had had the chance to tell them their very special news. Charlie put the twins to bed but Elsie had been unable to get Sam to sleep. So the exhausted mother laid him in his crib, giving the mobile a swift turn and placing a simple kiss upon his chubby little cheek. Elsie was too tired to rock her babe to sleep and so was her husband, so since he was quiet they left him to lull himself to dreamland.

But Sam was eager to stay awake. The little boy blinked and stretched as he grabbed his stuffed lamb, shoving the top of its head in his mouth and beginning to chew on it. He yawned again, slobbering on the lamb as he looked outside. The baby found the night's sky, accompanied with the sounds of his big brother snoring like a train, comforting. He didn't know he was still used to lying awake inside his mum, hearing his dad snore louder than his big brother could hope to.

Sam yawned again, stretching as he let go of the lamb. Something inside the little boy urged him to drift off into a restless sleep, but yet still something else would not rest. He blinked a few times, studying his mobile, something that had been a gift from Lord and Lady Grantham. He squealed, looking up at the animals as they danced and reached up to grab one of them. Very suddenly his tiny tummy rumbled and he grimaced, realizing how very hungry he was.

Sam looked around for mummy for a moment, realizing she wasn't there. The little boy quickly grew frustrated, torn between the need for sleep, the desire to lie at peace and stare out into the night's sky and finally, the sudden, strong desire for a midnight snack. And with that, the frustrated baby began to cry.

Elsie sighed from her place turning down the bed at her husband's side. She was exhausted and hoped her babe would self-soothe and go to sleep, his twin siblings could do that at his age and Sam never did. Still she didn't hesitate to abandon her bed, and the things she was about to discuss with her husband and head back into the nursery.

"Oh my sweetheart." Elsie soothed as she reached into the crib and lifted him to her chest, kissing his cheek and beginning to cuddle him. "My lad just needs a little bit of extra cuddling from mummy, doesn't he my love?"

"He's awake?" Carson asked upon her return.

"He's hungry." Elsie explained, kissing the baby's head.

She climbed into bed with Sam and unbuttoned her nightgown a bit, sighing as she began to nurse him. Carson gave a frustrated sigh, wondering if he'd ever get to say what was on his mind without interruption. Now that Sam was awake it was hardly the right time for a confession or a fight. Elsie felt the same. She had one question to breech which she'd already beaten to death and gotten nowhere with. He'd insisted he was about to address it; but she doubted it. And worse, part of her dreaded hearing what he had to say, knowing it wasn't something good. She smiled, looking down into Sam's tiny face as he nursed.

"You'd think he hadn't eaten all day." Carson laughed, rubbing the top of the boy's head in a circular motion that usually made him sleepy.

He was nervous about the conversation they were about to have, and wondered if she knew something he didn't. At the same time, he took comfort in his tiny son, the baby who did everything from eating to playing, with vigor. Carson decided, in that moment, to let his fear go and focus on enjoying his wife and baby that night. He didn't know that in that moment, Elsie made the same choice.

"My mighty wee babe." Elsie whispered in Sam's face as she nursed him, causing him to giggle as he pulled away. Elsie laughed, rubbing her nose against his before laying him down on the bed facing them.

"Mighty wee babe?" Carson questioned, amused suddenly. "He is a mighty wee one isn't he?"

Elsie giggled as her husband began to tickle their son. Sam shrieked loudly, laughing almost uncontrollably. Elsie started to laugh too, joining her husband in tickling their son's chubby cheeks and tummy. She was a little upset that this might keep the previously sleepy baby awake, but couldn't keep herself from joining in the fun. Carson and Elsie leaned down at once as the baby continued to giggle, each kissing one of his cheeks.

In the other room, the sound of the baby's laughter had woken Charlie and Charlotte and caused the groggy twins to rise from their beds like zombies, both wondering what was going on in the other room.

"Is it the thing again?" Charlie squinted, rubbing his eyes as she and his sister stood curious outside their parent's door.

"No." Charlotte yawned. "Cause Sam's there with them and mummy's not shouting."

"Mummy and daddy are loud sleepers." Charlie remarked innocently, his eyes barely open.

The twins knew their parents sometimes locked the bedroom door and wanted to be alone, and that sometimes they (mum in particular) were loud when that happened, but they knew giggling with Sam wasn't the same thing.

"Mummy?" Charlotte yawned, pushing the door open her twin following at her heals.

"My lad and lass its bedtime did we wake you?" She asked. The twins nodded groggily, rubbing their eyes as they approached their parent's bed.

Carson held out his arms as his older son climbed into them. Charlotte did the same with her mum. Elsie was tired and kissed her little girl's head as she watched her baby boys yawn. In that instance, little Charlie started to shriek as his dad tickled his ribs. His big brother's laughter caused Sam to giggle again, shoving his hands inside of his mouth. Charlotte was tired but her brother's laughter was infectious and she began to laugh too.

"See what you've done Mr. Carson you took three sleepy children and given them the giggles!" Elsie cried.

"Me next, me next!" Charlotte cried as her brother laughed out loud. She took a pillow and swung it at him.

Sam yawned again, bursting into giggles as he shoved his bare toes into his mouth.

"Oh Samuel don't eat your toes! Don't eat your toes love!" Elsie laughed, holding her daughter close as she leaned in to rub her nose against the baby's.

"Now." Carson announced, placing Charlie back on his chest as he laughed. "It's time for us all to go to sleep."

"Daddy me next! Me next!" Charlotte cried.

"Charlotte." He said sternly. "It's bedtime."

Charlotte shrieked when without warning he snatched her from her mother's arms and lifted her high. He kissed her forehead when he brought her down on his chest next to her twin and Charlie wrapped his own arms around her, kissing her cheek.

"We sleep here." Charlie said as he and his sister crawled out of their father's arms and nestled themselves under the covers between their parents.

"Very well." Carson sighed.

"Story dada." Charlotte yawned, nestling into her mother's side.

"Should we tell them Mrs. Carson?" Carson wasn't sure and looked to his wife for direction. After all, it was very late. She cuddled Sam close his little eyes began to droop.

"Tell us what daddy?" Charlie wanted to know.

"Yeah daddy, tell us what?" Charlotte asked excitedly.

"Very well." Carson began. "We have an early Christmas present for our lads and our wee lass." He couldn't cold back his smile, recalling that they'd told the twins about Samuel's impending birth in a similar fashion, as a birthday present.

"Chwistmas in spring?" Charlie asked, amused by the idea.

"Ooooh." Charlotte marveled, wondering what they would tell them so far in advance.

Charlie and Elsie paused, both bursting with joy, excited to see how the twins would react.

"Charlie, Charlotte." Carson began. "At Christmas time..."

"At Christmas, mummy's going to have another baby."

"Haa!" Charlie cried. "Really?"

But Charlotte started to scream and squeal in excitement. "Baby! My baby! My baby!" She cried. "My baby!"

"Yes my wee girl, we're going to have another baby in the house."

Charlotte's heart burst at the thought hoping, against all hope it seemed, that she might have a sister.

"But mummy." Charlie stopped suddenly, his eyes welling with tears. "I love Sam, he's my brother I wanna keep him!" He started to blubber. "I don't want a different brother."

"Oh Charlie." Carson soothed, taking his older son in his arms, the boy's words a reminder of how little the twins really were.

Charlotte nodded quickly, understanding her twin's fear and Elsie laughed, hugging Sam tight as he nodded off in her embrace.

"Oh my lad and my lass, mummy and daddy love their baby Samuel so much. Having another baby simply means we get a new baby brother or sister to love. It means there will be four of you. It doesn't mean we have to give up our Samuel, and mummy and daddy would never give him up, no matter what because we love him so, so much."

"And just because there's to be a new baby." Carson added. "Doesn't mean that Samuel's not a baby anymore."

"Haaaa!" Charlie's eyes brightened, his twin catching on immediately.

"Two babies like us!" She said, her twin growing excited too.

Elsie smiled. "That's right my loves: two babies like you."

…

"I hope he'll be alright when the baby comes." Elsie whispered. An hour later they lay in bed, the children fast asleep between them. "When the baby comes we'll have four babies to cuddle…"

"At that we will." He said, kissing her softly. "We have perfect, wonderful children my Mrs. Hughes." He smiled deeply as Charlie began to snore again. "I know you're worried." He said and she looked up suddenly. "But you're a wonderful mother and you've no reason to fear that it'll be too much, or that Samuel will be neglected. We'll be together in this every step Elsie. That I promise."

"You're worried too." She swallowed hard, almost staring him down. "And you still won't tell me why."

Carson sighed, playing with his older son's hair. "My Elsie…. Downton, as you may know has encountered some… financial difficulties."

"And?"

"And. And well there is no easy way to say this. It may fold. They may sell."

"Charlie!" She cried, her eyes welling with tears.

She wouldn't normally have been so emotional, but she found this particular pregnancy was making her just that. She wasn't so sad over the abbey, but her own home, knowing they'd have to leave it.

"It's why I inquired about Scotland."

"All that time ago?"

"I didn't wish to worry you, you see. Lord Grantham has since assured me that should they fold up the house they will keep me on, and probably you but if not… if not Elsie I think we should keep our home and stay here, I will work in London and we will go back and forth."

Elsie swallowed her tears. She didn't want a life like that, of going back and forth. She wanted what she had. Moreover, she didn't know how she'd manage four small children on her own without her beloved.

"I-I don't want to do without you." She cried. "I, I can't do it without you."

"I'll always be with you my Elspeth." He said, his breath on hers as she started to cry. "Don't, don't cry my sweetheart. We will find a way and we will be together. Oh my Elsie."

"Charlie…"

"There is one option, a secret I'm privy to. Mr. Crawley came into some money, from the late Miss Swire's father. It's a fortune enough to make Downton safe for generations." Carson said, not knowing he spoke into the future, of generations of his own blood, not just the Crawley's. "And he's offered it to Downton."

"Oh?" Elsie asked hopefully.

"Yes. Now we must pray he takes it."

Charlotte drifted in and out of sleep as her parents conversed, understanding the conversation. She fell asleep with hope in her heart, praying that Lord Grantham would choose to save Downton as she'd so longed to do.

….

"I'm unsure I can do it." Robert voiced.

"But do it you must Robert, for the sake of our son."

"For the sake of our son, it's because of our son that Matthew doesn't get his due!"

Benjamin raised his eyebrow, hugging his teddy bear tightly. He sat outside of his parent's London bedroom in the dark hall, having been beaconed there by the sounds of their rather loud argument. When he got there, he'd been surprised to discover that he was a central part of his dispute, and that he'd somehow kept Matthew from something. He wasn't sure what, or how. He knew Mary had their whole life planned, that it would be perfect and that they'd have everything they ever wanted. What Ben didn't understand was that she hoped he would loose his future title and that her desire for that would be a source of discontent for him and the future Lady Grantham for much of their lives.

"Don't you dare say that!" Cora barked. "He's your own child, he deserves your title and your estate and more than that your love above all."

"My love and devotion he has unquestionably…" Robert almost barked.

"Then why aren't you considering what's best for him? And for all of us?"

"And why aren't you?" He yelled, stopping and trying to calm himself. "I feel it dishonorable to…"

"It's a _good_ offer." She said calmly. "And he has married into the family. He didn't have to offer it at all and I believe he did it for Mary's love of Downton and for his love of you." She snapped and he stayed silent for a moment.

"And what do his children get?"

"Robert. His children aren't Downton's heirs."

"Precisely! Cora it isn't fair to them. To Mary and Matthew."

Cora sighed, angry as she put down the magazine she was flipping through. "Do you have a favorite child Robert?"

"No!" He gasped, almost offended.

"Then quit considering Mary's feelings above all else."

"She agrees with you." He considered.

"She wants her heirs to be _the_ heirs and by saying no, by not accepting this money, you in someway play right into her hands. A lack of money to the estate makes Benjamin and his title venerable and dependent on them in the future. So you see, she wins either way and believe me, she knows that."

Edith's eyes widened as she came up behind her little brother, shocked to hear her mother acknowledge that Mary would win this battle either way by design. She didn't think she'd live to hear anyone say such a thing about the _wonderful_ Mary and now that such a remark had come from her own mother she thought she might roll over and die. Robert was shocked by his wife's words as well. He'd never known her to speak like this but perhaps she was right?

"Cora you… do you have a favorite child?" He suspected Benjamin was hers.

"No." She laughed, clearly offended. "I love that Sybil was brave enough to do what was best for her." He winced when she said this. "I love that Edith is slowly forging her own path. I love them all in equal measure, including Mary but I won't have my son loose what's his by birthright."

"Edith, why would they take away my being Lord Benjamin?" He asked innocently.

She smiled kindly and lifted him into her arms. "Come on, I'll make you some tea and explain everything."

"I've got news for you Robert: she's been gunning for his title since the moment I got pregnant! And come hell or high water she's not going to have it!"

Robert stopped cold, finally understanding how serious this was, but not wanting to admit it. "Matthew would have to be a partner." He reasoned. "It's the only way I'd do it." He said calmly, uneasy about his wife's words, knowing there was truth to them. Robert would not live to see the extent of that truth, nor would Matthew who would never have approved of what would ultimately be.

"Take the money then." She took a breath and lowered her voice. "Let him have a say, and control it all from within. As your mother says: let it be our creature." She said his back turned to her now as he faced the roaring fire in the hearth. His heart was heavy and swelled with doubt and anger. He was about to question her again when she spoke once more. "Tie it tight Robert." She began, a hint of bitterness rolling off of her tongue. "Just like your father did with me and my money."

He turned to her angrily when she said this, about to ask why she always had to bring up his father who had not treated her or her money well but stopped when he saw she was crying.

"Oh my darling…"

"I don't really care you know. I'd go anywhere with you." She said, tears coming to her eyes. "I love Downton, but I love you so much more Robert Crawley. For richer, for poorer. Estate or no estate. Title or no title." She continued, crawling to the edge of the bed as he walked back to her. "Whatever happens, you will always have my heart."

"And you mine my darling." He said as he took her in his arms and held her

tight. He swallowed hard, trying not to cry too. He'd felt so blessed, all the days of his life to have her.

"But my need to protect your son and what's his is strong. I'm directed to do it by something outside of myself, not out of favoritism but of a kind of knowing. I don't want him to face the things that we have and moreover I want him to have the most precious thing that I have."

"And what is that?" He asked, confused for a moment.

She smiled almost giggling, knowing the words she was about to utter would take away some of the sting of the argument they'd had. "I want him to do what I did." She said, kissing him softly. "And marry for love, not money."


	38. Growing, Part I

Ch 38- Growing, Part I

July 1920

"Ah Charlotte. Just who I was hoping to see." Robert smiled.

Charlotte had been almost afraid when Thomas had come to the nursery, informing her that she'd been summoned downstairs to see Lord Grantham. The boys had been perplexed but nanny had been given prior warning: Charlotte was to receive a gift.

"Hello m'lord." She greeted politely.

Charlotte liked Lord Grantham but was afraid she was in trouble. Thomas who the little girl had grown quite close to, much to her father's chagrin, had promised to wait outside for her and listen carefully. He of course had his own motivations the little girl was too young to comprehend. But then again Charlotte, much like Mary and her future son George, would never really see Barrow as an enemy.

"I believe I have a loan to repay." He began. Charlotte tilted her head in confusion. Robert chuckled. "Charlotte this is for you." He said, taking a small, beautifully wrapped package out of the drawer in the table at his side. Charlotte's brown eyes sparkled at the sight as she took the gift in hand. "Go on, open it."

Charlotte hesitated then did as she was told, letting the paper fall on the floor and the box with it when she took the strange gift in hand.

"Wow." She whispered and he laughed.

Charlotte had never seen anything quite like it, this beautiful egg shaped object, encrusted in jewels.

"But m'lord I only gave you…"

Charlotte was little and did not understand the value of what she held, she did however know it was more than the small some she'd given him, which she'd previously thought had been enough to save Downton from its woes.

Lord Grantham smiled. "My mother and father brought that back from Russia many years ago and I want you to have it."

Robert, who wasn't as good with money as one might hope, didn't understand the true value of the artwork he was giving to the butler's daughter. They had a lot of things in storage: art, artifacts, things from the travels of the many Lord Granthams who'd come before him. He didn't think this particular piece was worth much, and he was wrong. But he did think it beautiful, and he wanted to give something to Charlotte to show his appreciation.

"Thank you. Its very prettyful." She said getting the words pretty and beautiful confused in the moment.

"It is very beautiful, and quite worth what you gave to me Charlotte."

"Oh?"

"Yes, you see. Your kindness, in wanting to save Downton, it meant a lot to me and gave me the courage to do what had to be done to save it."

Truthfully that was the case. A lot had gone into the very difficult decision to take Matthew up on his offer. It was mostly his wife's urging, his son's future and his family's past. But in considering his options, Robert had also thought deeply about the house, it's history and the many people who called it home. The Carson's had built a life there and were about to have another new baby, the Bates were trying to do the same, Mrs. Patmore had given the place her best years, Daisy had been there since she was a little girl… Charlotte Carson was growing up there and willing to do whatever she could to save it… At the end of his decision-making process, something about Charlotte's sweet hearted effort to save the house pulled at his heartstrings more than anything else, and caused him to give in. He couldn't say how thankful he was to her and always would be. It was because of her that he'd not made a grave mistake.

"So, you saved it?" She burst.

Lord Grantham smiled. "No Charlotte: you did."

Charlotte couldn't help but squeal.

"Now go on, see what's inside the egg." He urged. The egg was plain as far as those types of pieces went. It was burgundy and decorated with tiny diamonds in an ornately done zigzag pattern. Most of these eggs had something inside like a little castle or a dove and this one did not, something that had gone into his decision to give it to the child: he'd thought it subpar, not exceptional.

"Candy!" She squealed.

"Yes. Why don't you go upstairs and share it with your brothers and Master Benjamin?"

"Thank you so much m'lord! I'll take good care of it!"

"No, thank you Miss Carson." He said and she beamed.

Robert sent her away, never thinking that he'd one day misjudge her, just in the same way he had with the egg, or that one day when it mattered most she'd save Downton all over again.

…

"Have you thought about school for the twins?" Cora asked, pouring her maid some tea.

Elsie was dizzy. Four or five weeks had passed since she'd learned she was pregnant again and since that time her morning sickness had taken a terrible foothold, usurping almost every aspect of her life. She'd never had it that bad and Cora was worried but tried not to let on.

"Oh um… yes, the village school stars in September, I enrolled them there in the spring."

Cora paused, not liking the answer she was given. "I can't believe it's that time. It seems like just yesterday we were hiring nanny."

"Speaking of which, are there staffing changes to be made?"

"Well, that's the thing… customarily, this is the time we would dismiss nanny, and of course hire a tutor or governess…"

Cora was upset; she'd expected Elsie to choose someone with her with her own children in mind, just as she'd helped pick a nanny. Looking back, Cora had never liked anyone she'd chosen for the girls, but loved the nanny that Elsie had wanted to hire. Something about the care she gave was more loving, less formal and altogether more American. She wanted her son, in his years before boarding school, to have a teacher that was just like her.

"But I'm not going to dismiss nanny." She continued, sipping her tea.

"Oh?" Elsie asked.

"No." She shook her head. "Benjamin and the twins may be getting older but it's a little old fashioned to fire someone based on tradition and besides, there are going to be plenty of babies in the house." She smiled kindly at Elsie. Mrs. Carson looked down at her middle and back up at her employer and friend in surprise.

"Me?"

"You and Anna … eventually." She cautioned. Cora was truthfully a little sad. She felt young enough to have another and no longer could because of what had happened when Ben was born. "And Mary and the fact that I really like her and she can still watch our other three, when we need someone. Besides, Sam is going to be in that nursery all alone for a little while longer, once school begins." Cora loved Samuel and always called him Sam: it was very American after all. "Benjamin's classes won't last as long as the twins and I will make sure he goes to play with him every day."

"That's very lovely and kind…" Elsie didn't think this was necessary.

"Are you sure about the twins?" She asked, swallowing almost nervously.

The girls had all gone to school together, and she didn't want Benjamin to have to go alone. Moreover, she and her son loved the time they spend with the Carson children. She knew that he would be terribly lonely without them and in a way she would be too. Robert had told her it was time to get Benjamin properly socialized, to introduce him to children of his own rank. He hadn't intended to be snobbish about it, nor had he meant to suggest that their little boy break off his friendship with the butler's children, but Cora resisted anyway, knowing inside that his being with the twins was the right thing.

"Yes." Elsie said, confident in her decision.

She knew what was being offered. It was a stellar education, but the wrong kind. Elsie didn't want her children hulled up in this house, and beholden to it for the rest of their lives and she could already see it happening. She wanted them at the village school, where they could start to find a future of their own making. Little did she realize, as Cora did, that they were made for a very specific life.

…

Two Weeks Later

"Samuel!" Elsie called, panic in her voice.

She couldn't believe Samuel was one year old that day or that he could stand (but not walk just yet). The little boy looked back at his mother, momentarily breaking his gaze from his dad and the cricket bat he was holding.

It was that time of year again, when the house played the village. Elsie and all the other women had been left to work while the men prepared for their game. Caught in the middle of some of the worst morning sickness she'd ever had, and with a baby to care for, Elsie found herself a bit resentful of the game. It was after all, her son's birthday and her wedding anniversary.

"But don't you want to watch Mr. Carson play?" Beryl whispered when she returned. Elsie ignored her, almost pushing her aside, making a beeline for her baby.

Every one was busy and because she kept having to rush off to be ill, she'd left Samuel sitting on the grass near where his father was practicing cricket with the twins. Elsie was afraid when she returned to find her baby standing almost in the line of fire, with no one watching him, instead of sitting, safely off to the side of the game area.

The little boy stood confused, holding his teddy tightly under his arm and sucking his thumb. He looked back and forth between his desperate mother and preoccupied father, not knowing where to turn. His little knees shook. Sam was too brave about things (and for that reason, Elsie was not looking forward to his toddlerhood: she knew he was going to be in to everything and soon). When his mother had left he'd dared himself to join the game, wanting to play with his father and brother. And so he'd crawled to a point and stood. He was unsure on his feet and felt stuck now that he'd stood up. He couldn't walk and didn't know how to sit back down or how to get to his mother. She rushed to his aid and picked him up as he started to sob.

"Samuel, come to mummy, come here are you alright?" She soothed. "Oh my baby are you alright is there a scratch on you or a bump, or a bruise?" She asked, beginning to look all over the baby's head and arms.

"Elsie let him stay." Carson insisted, barely looking in her direction.

"Mr. Carson, the bat's his same size!" She cried in horror. "I'm afraid he'll get hurt. All it takes is a cricket bat to the head Charlie!"

Instead of paying her mind, Carson focused on the ball he was teaching his older son to throw. "He's a strong lad. And he'll be playing with us soon enough!"

…

"Mrs. Patmore this was a lovely surprise." Elsie said, drying the tears in her eyes.

Mrs. Patmore presented everyone with several surprises after the game had ended and the villagers had started to leave the grounds. She'd approached Lord Grantham with the idea rather timidly a week earlier and he'd agreed, deciding it was time Downton had a celebration. Just when it seemed the festivities were coming to a close, Beryl and Daisy brought out a series of cakes and Lord Grantham made a toast.

"But, we lost m'lord." Thomas said of the game.

"It doesn't matter Thomas, it's a wonderful summer's day and there's a lot to celebrate." He smiled at Cora.

"Quick, Daisy, quick, get it off, get it off!" Beryl urged and Daisy quickly set to work scraping ' _Congratulations on Downton's victory!'_ off of the cake.

"Thank you all for being here." Robert smiled, raising his glass. "To Downton, and its ups and downs. To its support system." He nodded at Cora. "To its benefactors." He acknowledged Matthew. "To its future." He smiled at his son who stood with his friends by the cakes. "And to those who've given their lives to it." He raised his glass toward the Carson's."

"To Downton!" Everyone toasted.

"Oh how, oh my." Elsie cried, holding Sam close as tears flowed down her cheeks.

There were four cakes: one for Downton's supposed victory in the cricket match and one for its loss. But it was the last two cakes that Elsie was especially touched by: the third cake was for Samuel's birthday and the fourth was for her anniversary. She knew Charlie had arranged that part, it was the same cake they'd had together at a dance hall in York on their wedding night, so many, many years before. Elsie's heart leapt at the thought. For so many years they'd spent this day running a garden party for the family, their happiest day going painfully unacknowledged, until the year that she'd told the truth about her marriage and announced her pregnancy with the twins.

"Because there's so very much to celebrate my Elsie." Carson kissed her cheek.

"And because his lordship's in quite the grateful mood." Beryl chuckled.

"Come along birthday boy, let's see what you make of Auntie Beryl's double chocolate cake!"

Elsie sat with her son on her lap, cuddling him tight and kissing his cheek as several of them, (the twins, Beryl, Daisy, Anna, Bates, Benjamin and Cora) sung the baby boy happy birthday for the very first time. Sam looked around confused, but delighted by the attention while Elsie cried, so deeply touched to be acknowledged in this way.

"Make a wish and blow out the candle." Anna urged the confused baby.

Sam just stared, mesmerized by the candle. He reached out with both hands to touch it but Elsie blew it out before he could, making a wish for Sam and his life that she'd keep close to her heart for the time being. Everyone clapped and Sam looked down at the cake, not hesitating for a second before grabbing two big fist fulls of it and shoving it in his face, kindly turning to his mother and offering her a piece of it. Everyone else laughed but Elsie simply smiled, beginning to whisper to him.

"Happy Birthday my Samuel, my mighty wee baby boy." She whispered. "Mummy wishes and prays for joy your whole life long my darling, that throughout your whole life, nothing will ever change you and no matter how big you get, you'll always be my same big, strong, smart, happy, adventurous boy and that you know mummy loves you with all her heart, all her days."

"Isn't it wonderful Molesley?" Robert asked, raising his glass almost to the sky.

Molesley was a bit taken aback. He and Lord Grantham never spoke much, and while he knew him to be a kind and fair man, it seemed a bit odd to be relating in a way that was so casual. Molesley was not sure he liked it. Like Carson, he was a proper man, one used to old ways that were slowly dying out.

"Yes m'lord." He agreed simply, supposing that it was a nice day and that he could blame the Lord's friendliness that day on the amount he'd had to drink.

"Look at it, Downton. Flourishing, winning, growing…" He laughed, pointing to where the children were playing.

Robert knew he'd sort of taken leave of his senses but he was truly happy to see the house afloat and full of life. Games won or lost were a relief to him, as were wedding anniversaries and baby's birthdays. He pat Molesley on the back, causing him to jump just as a car made its way down the gravel path. Molesley said nothing about the home team's loss as Lord Grantham left his side and the Bates' approached.

"I didn't think we were expecting anyone else at the house today?" Bates raised an eyebrow as he followed his wife passed Molesley and toward the drive.

He was relaxed and didn't really feel up to more work aside from his usual duties. Visitors usually entailed extra work for either them, and Bates found himself eager to spend this particular summer evening alone with his wife.

"It isn't a new visitor, just the new ladies maid." She laughed.

"Oh yes, Miss O'Brien abandoned us, I can't believe I forgot something so devastating."

Molesley didn't know what he'd been expecting when he watched the car door open. In hindsight he figured that another O'Brien would enter their lives, or perhaps another Mrs. Bird. But he'd never expected the tall, gangly brunette that greeted Anna and Bates with a warm smile and in an instant made his heart grow a million yards wide.


	39. Growing, Part II

Ch 39- Growing, Part II

August 4th, 1920

"Well Mrs. Hughes this is a tight fit." Carson remarked.

He'd been skeptical before, but was full of doubt now that he'd assembled the second cot, the one that had once been Charlotte's.

"It's tight but we'll manage." She insisted and he sighed, preparing to voice his concern. "Charlie I've seen more than twice as many siblings crowd into a place half this size. Ten is a whole different matter than four."

"I know but it's so… it's rather small now isn't it?"

"It's cozy." She said, picking up a freshly washed sheet and holding it tight to her mostly still flat stomach. She was very small for almost five months and they were worried about it. "Have you thought of moving?"

"What?!" He asked, arching an eyebrow. He was aghast at her suggestion. "Mrs. Carson I love our house! We've had happy years here! And I was looking forward to many more…" He cried, looking back at her as though he'd been kicked.

She giggled. "You're the one who says our nursery's getting a bit crowded." She remarked as he pulled her in close, gently kissing the tip of her nose.

"Aren't you a bit… worried?" He asked.

Elsie giggled. "We have two growing lads and a lovely little lass and who knows maybe another lad on the way." She smiled, looking down at herself. "It's rather cozy, Mr. Carson and if I were younger, it'd be even cozier in a few years time." She teased, trying to be a bit flirtatious.

Both knew that this child would be their last. It was something they had very mixed feelings about. They felt enormously blessed to end up with four little ones after years of being unable to have a child and trying so hard. Looking back, they'd gone to extraordinary lengths to have a family. They'd done things that were a bit risqué, certainly out of character and ultimately very modern and far too costly for their post in life… but it'd paid off in four fold.

And now it broke their hearts that they had to be done. For Elise, it was more of a deep bittersweetness. She'd fought for most of her adult life to become a mother and the idea of giving up the battle, having won it, awestruck her and at the same time left her feeling numb.

She could recall finally being able to afford her surgery in 1911, eight years after she'd started saving. By then she'd reached an age when most women her age were complaining about their sizable brood. Instead she'd been hoping against hope that the painful procedure would take and somehow she'd still have a chance. It didn't: not for three years. That time had been her lowest point in many ways and she still couldn't believe, now that her efforts would ultimately pay off in four babies instead of the one she'd pled to God for. Elsie looked down at her small bump in deep gratitude that squeezed the whole of her heart and could be felt throughout every inch of her body.

"I don't want to be done." She whispered, biting her lip. Carson said nothing, but took her chin and lifted her head to meet his loving but hurt gaze.

He didn't want to be done either. He still couldn't believe, even on baby number four, that she was pregnant. He thought he'd spent every second since she'd first told him six years earlier, just as tickled and proud as the moment before it. It was a feeling of deep happiness that had never worn off for Charlie Carson and never would as long as he lived. He leaned down, pressing his forehead to hers.

"It's a different kind of pain, isn't it my Mrs. Hughes?" He asked.

She sighed. They were getting older, after all. Elsie was at the very, very end of her childbearing years and Carson passed his reasonable window of fathering a child. Elsie loved her late in life children desperately and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world but sometimes, she looked back and still saw all the lovely little people who would never be and all the love they'd almost missed out on entirely.

"At the end of the day, we still got our five." He whispered.

He was right. There had been six and that had been the end of it. Four would be born two miscarried. Elsie cringed, thinking of the twins she'd lost just before becoming pregnant with Samuel. There'd been a time when she counted five missing little persons at the table alongside them every evening. But those five had been people who she desperately wanted to carry in her womb and hold in her arms. They'd been possibilities. Little what-if people whose absence pained her greatly, but also presented a far off hope…

But then there were her lost twins. Elsie now saw them missing from her nursery every night. They'd not been what-ifs but two babies she really had carried in her womb, two babies she'd known before they faded back into the dust from which they came... They presented their mother with their own kind of pain, one not of longing or desperation, but of definitive loss. Elsie cuddled into her husband, pressing her face against his strong chest, trying her best to deter her thoughts.

Samuel had eased this pain, even quenched it. But now that this was her last child, something inside nagged, reminding her of her loss and her years of desperation. Having a last child was a new kind of thing to face, one she wasn't sure she was ready for. Elsie looked down at her very tiny bump, desperately worried that the baby was too small. It was a feeling they shared, but she was deeply afraid she was going to loose it and had not told him yet. She felt a stillness deep inside she couldn't reconcile and it chilled her to the bone.

"I feel so blessed that it's so cozy in here. Just be glad of it." She said quickly, a tear in her eye. "There are no regrets."

"My Elsie there are _**never**_ any regrets with you." Carson smiled, taking a freshly washed baby blanket off of Charlotte's bed: it was the brand new one Elsie had just made. They paused, taking a moment to caress the blanket she'd knit together so carefully, Carson hoping that the impending child would turn out its perfect as the blanket had. He continued after a moment: "I feel so blessed, but its also the last time we're going to do this Elsie and that's…"

"Bittersweet." She finished, kissing his nose.

A tear trickled down his cheek as he examined the blanket, holding it so lovingly that he seemed to be praying over it, perhaps wanting to endow some kind of blessing over the child who would call the blanket his own.

"Our long-awaited youngest child." He whispered. "Oh how blessed we are, to have a youngest."

"I think she'll have your eyes." She smiled, gazing up into his, the joy she felt deep inside finally escaping from her lips.

"I think he'll have your nose."

Charlotte sat on the stairs, peering into the nursery and watching her father lovingly hold the new baby's blanket in his hand as he kissed her mother tenderly on the nose. Her soul sighed, comforted by her parent's gentle embrace. Many years later, Charlotte would recount that it was moments like these that had taught her both how to love and be loved.

Carson pulled his wife further into his embrace and hugged her tight. Charlotte didn't realize that her parents paused to reflect on the long journey behind them. On the depth of their pain and the nearly unfathomable reality of the joy they now lived. Carson cradled his wife, pride swelling within him as he did so.

"Your mother made you a wonderful blanket, my littlest one." He said, still holding her tight.

The couple clung to each other in this moment, confiding in each other not just about their joy, or the pain of the past, but also their fears about what the future held. Elsie looked down at her barely there bump and smiled. In truth, the couple was worried and it gave cause to the bittersweetness they felt. She was soon to be five months. Samuel was showing at this age and started kicking up a storm soon after. This child was far smaller than it should've been and had yet to move.

They hadn't voiced their concern out of their number, but worried something was wrong with the baby: that she wasn't growing correctly, that Elsie was too old and the baby would be like its Aunt Becky, or worst of all, that it had already passed on before it had had a chance at life.

"And when you're born." Elsie paused, sniffling as she did so. She wanted to say, 'however you're born' but refrained. "When you're born daddy and I will wrap you in it, and hold you tight: as a symbol of all the love we've always been waiting to give you."

"I promise, I promise that all is right with this babe. He's just growing in his own way." He said, attempting to soothe her. He knew in his heart that it was, it just had to be.

His hand wandered over her belly, covering her bitty baby bump. Elsie sniffled, thinking she should've looked like this at least a month earlier.

"She's just who she should be, whoever she is and however she is born." She bit her lip, trying not to cry. Elsie was deeply worried, but felt an intent peace about her youngest child. "I just want to spend the time, and celebrate."

"And celebrate we shall." He smiled, leaning forward and kissing her deeply.

…

The Next Day

Elsie hurried, not looking back at him as he followed her down the long staircase back to the kitchen. She walked as briskly as she could, giggling inside, pretending as though she were trying to get away from him. Suddenly she tripped on a step and he reached down and grabbed her, pulling her into him before she could fall. She turned, smiling deeply as he pressed his nose to hers and rocked her gently.

"The butler has no place chasing the head housemaid about." She reminded.

Carson smiled deeply, his heart leaping with joy at how far they'd come. They were repeating a flirtatious game they used to play and had abandoned not long after their newlywed days. But somehow now, after Samuel's birth and the news of another new baby they both felt a resurgence of youth and energy that had left them so many years before. She was deeply happy in spite of her worries and he young and alive in a way he hadn't been since he was on the stage.

"Yes he does." He said, turning and pressing her into the wall with his larger frame. She giggled, still clutching the linens she was transporting. "He does when he loves her so, when he'd do anything to show her that."

"You did a lot to show me last night." She whispered.

Carson smiled, tears in his eyes as he cupped her cheek in hand. He was more overjoyed than he could say, to just be with her and have it be known to everyone. As fun as sneaking was, nothing in the world had felt as good as declaring his love to her everyday and in everything he did: in the smiles shared, in the way they moved about the house together and in the presence of three little people who shared their flesh and blood.

"Get away with you!" He teased, letting her go as she continued down the stairs.

They were worried about the impending baby. So much so that they'd decided that they'd just have fun and try to be calm, whatever would come. Both finally felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and wanted their youngest to share that with them even if it turned out he wasn't right. They'd decided that whoever he or she was, she'd be perfect.

"We need to fatten you up!" Beryl laughed as they came into the kitchen.

Carson watched his wife as she walked ahead of him, seeing that she'd thickened a little bit more in the back and hadn't noticed. He knew better than to point it out, and decided to let her discover it herself.

"What'll we have, lad cravings or wee lass cravings?" Beryl continued.

"I haven't really a feeling on it yet." Elsie bit her lip. "But I find myself thinking of chocolate…" The morning sickness had ceased only days before and cravings had not really settled in.

Elsie put her head down as Carson kissed her cheek and left to ring the dinner gong. She'd _**known**_ Samuel by this stage even though he'd been very small, and this baby wasn't giving her much to go on. Either way she didn't want to tell Beryl. She saw it as her fault that Samuel had gotten so big and as much as she wanted this child to grow and be healthy she wasn't anxious to give birth to another mammoth baby either.

Clarkson merely thought the child was just going to be small in stature, like she was, and was the first to point out that she'd had twins, then an abnormally large little boy… maybe she just didn't know what a normally sized single child was like. Whatever the case, she was upset that Beryl kept bringing it up. It made her more anxious than she rightfully should've been.

Elsie took a breath, trying to focus on what her husband had said the day before: 'Our children tend to favor extremes Mrs. Hughes… perhaps this one is just small like Samuel was big.' In any case, she figured Beryl was right and she should try to eat.

"Samuel, would you like to have some chocolate with mummy?" She asked, turning to her baby who sat in his highchair watching Mrs. Patmore go about her work. Samuel threw down the toy he'd been chewing on and reached for Elsie with his chubby little hands.

"Mmmmm!" He cried, gurgling as she picked him up.

"Oh my lad, let mummy see him!" Elsie soothed as she cuddled him.

"Are you sure it isn't his fault?"

"Hmm?" Elsie asked, consumed with cuddling her baby.

"Well he does take everyone's food… you're still nursing him, maybe that's stealing from his baby brother."

"I don't know. I think this one just doesn't have the appetite Samuel does." Elsie considered as Sam cuddled into her.

Sam sighed, he'd picked up on the fact that something was changing but wasn't sure what it was. All he knew was that he was clingy all of a sudden with his mummy. Elsie had been considering this baby's size a lot. She was tiny, but you could tell she was expecting, just a little, even under her thick black dress.

"Have you any names yet?" Daisy asked excitedly.

"Her name is Lucy." Carson said proudly, coming back into the room with the twins at his heals.

"Lucy grow?" Charlie asked, coming to his mother's side.

He reached up, pressing the span of his tiny hand against his mother's tummy. The twins looked up at their mother anxiously, knowing that there was some concern for their youngest sibling. Charlie didn't see how the baby was any different than himself. His friend and little brother had both grown exponentially in the past few months and he had not. The little boy was not worried about himself, but was instead embarrassed.

"No m'lad not since this morning." Elsie giggled. "And his name is William."

"William? For William?" She asked.

'Great.' The oldest Carson boy thought, 'another baby bwother who gets to grow bigger than Charlie…'

"Yes." Elsie answered. "William. To honor him."

Carson said nothing but scoffed inside. He supposed William was a good lad; he'd liked him and lamented his death. But to name his son after a footman…

…

Four Days Later

"Morning daddy!" The twins cried.

Carson almost jumped; jolted awake by the twins who leaned over him as he awoke. Charlotte clapped and Charlie giggled when his eyes flashed open. It was his day off and Elsie had elected to let him sleep but the twins had other ideas.

"You scared your father." He admitted, pretending to disapprove of them.

"Come along you two, I think it's time to see how much you've grown." Elsie called from downstairs.

Growing had become something of an obsession in the Carson household as of late. They were poised for it; anxious for it, and afraid it wouldn't happen all at once. Little Charlie gulped. Recently, it'd come to his attention that everyone had grown but him, when he'd been the one who wanted to so badly. He wanted nothing more in the world than to be big, tall and strong, like his daddy.

Carson took his twin's hands and led them downstairs. Samuel, who'd grown a lot recently, sat in his wooden highchair in the kitchen dripping his hands in the mush his mother had placed before him, smearing it all over his face.

"Charlotte, you first." Elsie smiled, holding out her arms.

Charlie reluctantly turned to the place on the wall his mother had used to mark their growth since before they were old enough to stand on their own. He could tell Sam had been measured before his breakfast and his height, at twelve months was quite tall. Charlie noticed that his baby brother had so many, many marks on the wall, compared to him and his sister. The much tinier boy grew like a weed. He remembered once, back when Sam was in her tummy, mummy had told them they were short because they grew inside her together. Charlie hoped that wasn't true, that he wouldn't always be shorter than he should because he shared his first few months in a cramped womb with Charlotte.

"Some people grow faster than others m'lad." Carson comforted. "But I bet when your finished the score will be even."

"Between me and Benjamin?" He asked.

This was the contest in which the little boy was most anxious to compete. Something about that made Carson nervous, knowing that as the boys grew, Charlie would never be able to compete with Ben in terms of wealth and advantage. At the same time he knew the score would even and that when the boys became men, Benjamin Crawley would never have the physical strength or the creative ability Charlie Carson Jr would grow into. The idea of that settled the butler's soul.

"No." Carson laughed. "Between you and Samuel, and the Carson brothers will be quite bigger than Master Benjamin I can promise that."

Carson knew his tiny namesake felt left out by not having grown much in the past year. Benjamin had grown quite a bit. Samuel of course, had grown tremendously, evolving from something unseen under his mother's skin to a boy the size of a one-year-old baby in less than a year's time…. Charlie had failed to realize that his twin sister hadn't grown all that much either. The two could still fit into clothes they were wearing prior to Samuel's birth. But all that counted for Charlie was that his sister had grown just a bit more than him. He didn't know why, but it hurt his pride.

"No mummy I don't wanna measure!" Charlie cried when it came his turn.

"Shuuu m'lad. Hold still." Elsie soothed as Carson picked up Charlotte.

"Daddy I grew this much, see?" She whispered, holding her tiny fingers a small distance apart.

"Congratulations my girl." He smiled.

"Ohhh Charlie!" Elsie gasped. "My big strong little boy, you grew a couple of centimeters."

"But she's still taller than me!" He cried, pouting as his mother kissed his temple.

"I'm sowwy Charlie." Charlotte apologized not really knowing what she did wrong.

"At least I'm older." Charlie said confidently.

Elsie wanted to chuckle, the boy wouldn't understand that he reminded her so much of his father right then, in those times when he had confidence in something that was baseless, or of the past. Elsie giggled, looking up at her husband, wondering if they should say anything. Realizing she'd left Sam alone in his highchair for too long, she got up to tend to him, leaving her husband bent on the floor with their confused twins. Carson paused; able to tell that his son's statement had caused both twins to remember one of the many questions they'd asked when Elsie was expecting Samuel: which one of us is older?

"Actually…" Carson hesitated. Elsie nodded from her place cleaning up after Sam, agreeing she thought it was time. "Actually. Charlie, Charlotte is your big sister."

"What?!" He cried, his eyes pooling with tears. Elsie's heart sunk, hearing the disappointment in her son's voice.

"Oh m'lad don't be upset, neither of you could help that." She soothed, taking the baby in her arms and bending back down the twin's level. "You're both the same age, you both started together at the same time in mummy's tummy, you both grew together..."

"And you were both the same size, just as you are now." Carson tried to reason.

Meanwhile Charlotte was shocked: she had, had a feeling that she was the oldest, but hearing that it was true came as a surprise. Sam looked back at his big brother anxiously. He shoved his fist in his mouth, noting the older boy, who he loved very much, was upset. Sam may've been small, but he knew that if Charlie was upset, he should be too.

"I can't believe I let her beat me out!" Charlie pouted, not noticing his brother reaching for him.

" _Charles_ it was your birth it wasn't a race." Carson almost admonished, raising an eyebrow.

Elsie couldn't help but giggle. Looking back, it'd sure felt like a race. "M'lad there's no rhyme or reason for these things, she's only ten minutes older than you." She soothed. Charlie started to blubber and ran upstairs.

…..

Carson and Elsie quickly went up to console their very upset son, their hearts sunk, hearing him cry as they neared.

"What is it my baby lad?" Elsie soothed. Neither of them realized that their son felt powerless and a little bit emasculated.

Carson leaned down and picked his son up off the floor with ease. "Is this about being born second?" He asked.

Charlie felt trapped. His sister was the only girl, Sam the baby. Benjamin the lord… soon there would be another baby. Charlie Carson Jr often felt that daddy, and having his name, was his only strength. The little boy wanted to be like his father in every way possible. Knowing his daddy was eight whole years older than mummy (that was nearly twice as long as he'd lived and the age difference amazed him) he'd assumed he must also be older than his sister, just has he'd wanted to be tall like his father. Charlie nodded, as his dad held him.

"And being tall." He cried. "Daddy I wanna be like you!"

Carson paused; Elsie could see that their son's words touched him deeply.

Carson laughed. "And like me you are." He held him tight. "But you're also a little boy. Daddy wasn't always so tall you know. He was Sam's size once, and yours. You'll be a very tall, strong lad, because you're my son. You'll both be quite tall, Samuel and you."

Elsie smiled at the thought. She could picture her boys, grown and proud and so much like their da. She didn't know if anything else in the world could make her so proud. The mere idea that she'd given him two (or perhaps three) sons who'd grow up to be just like him made her heart soar.

"You pwomise?" He asked, feeling reassured.

"I promise." Carson was sure of it.

"And as for your age." Elsie said, running her fingers through his hair. "You were your mummy's surprise! Did you know that m'lad?" She giggled, smiling deeply at the memory of having her surprise of a baby boy placed on her chest.

In that instant, her fears for this new baby eased. Charlie had been born perfect and she hadn't even known he was inside her. Elsie bit her lip, thinking back on how the tiny little newborn boy, with her great big blue eyes, had mesmerized her in an instant. She'd never gotten over the feeling of having her heart grow a million times wide as she'd felt him, a beautiful son whom she'd worked most of her life to give, take his first breaths in her arms.

"Surprise?" He grew curious.

"My surprise baby." She said, tears in her eyes. She felt those same things about Charlie every time she looked at him and knew she always would.

"You're Daddy's surprise too." Carson added. "And quite a surprise you continue to be."

Carson knew his little boy couldn't envision the type of future he'd foreseen for him: the one where he'd grow into a strong, smart, very capable young man who could have anything in the world he wanted to. In truth, the butler could never wait to see how his oldest son would surprise him. He always did.

"Mummy didn't know she was having two babies. I had your sister first, and didn't think I could be any more in love ever in the whole my life than I was with her. And then Mrs. Crawley told me you were twins, that you'd been hiding behind your sister and were about to be born. And when she put you in my arms: you were the wee boy mummy had wanted forever and such an unexpected one." She didn't have to explain that part further, the twins knew of their parent's years long desire and inability to have them. "So I know you want to be the oldest m'lad, but you're my surprise, and that's every bit as special as being the oldest." She kissed him on his head several times.

"It is quite special indeed. Your mother hid you from me, and when I came in I held Charlotte first. And then out of the blue, Mrs. Crawley came in with you: my son, dare I say nothing on earth's ever delighted me so much." He said. Charlie was surprised to look up and see his father crying. "One day, m'lad," Carson stopped himself from saying 'when I am gone.' "One day, when you're older, you'll assume the role of brother, you'll love and defend your sister, your brother will look up to you." He didn't say: 'Your mother will look to you for help.'

Charlie considered this carefully. Elsie could see her son having his father's reaction at this: it made him feel proud, reassured.

"Charlie already does those things." Elsie smiled. "Now my baby boy, why don't you go and join your sister and brother and we'll make your favorite cookies."

"Okay mummy, daddy I lobe you!" He kissed each of their cheeks.

Charlie still felt terrible about being short, but his parent's words had comforted him to some degree. The idea that he was special to them touched his heart. He went downstairs, feeling more confident about his role in things and if nothing else, loved.

Elsie started to giggle and she looked back at her husband as they sat together on the edge of their son's bed. The two looked around, not believing for a moment that they had a full nursery.

"What?" Carson asked.

"My Mr. Carson, he is _your_ little boy in every sense of the word."

"Oh my Elsie." He smiled, leaning in to kiss her, placing his hand on her belly. "Whatever comes; however this one is born. Thank you so much for our surprise babies: for all of them."


	40. More Than You Can Handle

Ch 40- More Than You Can Handle

September 1920

"There, now somebody looks so pretty for her very first day." Elsie cooed, affixing a big white bow to the top of her daughter's head.

She'd made Charlotte a brand new dress (and Charlie a new shirt and pants) and put a lot of effort into trying to get the twins excited for their first day at the village school, something everyone but Elsie was very skeptical about.

"Mummy I'm afraid to go." Charlotte cried, starting to chew on her thumb.

It was a sobering moment for Charlotte Carson. The butler's oldest child found herself trembling and wanted with everything in her, to climb back into bed or run to the abbey. The twins had had very little interaction with other children (aside from Benjamin) and were nervous about the prospect of going to a place filled with them. Elsie didn't fully realize that her twins saw this new venture as something totally foreign. It wasn't just that the prospect was frightening; it was that it seemed wrong in their little minds, like it was something improper and not to be done. They weren't snobs (as their father was) and understood their more humble roots to some extent, but somewhere in their unconscious they were still children of the abbey, used to privilege they were oblivious of and a way of life entirely different than what was found outside of its grounds.

"Oh my sweetheart I know you're scared but I promise you it'll be alright. You and Charlie will get on just fine." Elsie wanted to tell her she wished she'd had a similar chance as a girl, but refrained. Instead she winced, focusing for just a second on the growing pain in her lower back. It'd been coming on for some time now.

"Why don't we get to go to school with Benjamin?" Charlotte pouted. "And why does he have to go to school all by himself?" She inquired, laying her hands on her mother's now slightly more swollen stomach.

Charlotte was hurt by this notion, knowing her life long friend was as crushed as she and her brother were intimidated. Something felt wrong about leaving Benjamin all on his own. It was unappealing for Charlie and almost unnatural for Charlotte. Elsie smiled sympathetically, placing her hand on her still somewhat flat belly, unsure of how to explain the desire she had for her children. It was something she'd been adamant about from before she'd ever been pregnant and carried with her deeply now that she was sending her oldest off for the first time and worried about the well being of her youngest.

It had always been her wish that her children would attend the village school; that they would be educated and have chances she and her husband had not had in life. It had also been her ambition that they be part of normal society, and that somehow, they would be able to break away from life at the abbey. They had a privileged place it was true and Elsie was grateful, however it was still servitude and Elsie wanted her children to be their own masters, free to speak their own minds and hearts: nothing in the world meant more to her.

It was something her husband respected, but never fully understood in the same way because he was so dedicated to his life in service, and to the _proper_ order of things. She'd tried explaining her view to Cora (who still didn't really understand either) and hadn't been able to convey much of it to the twins at all. The two had voiced that more than anything; they wished simply to stay with her in the day. Elsie was touched by this but her dreams for them overrode even her desire to spend her days with them at her side, something she could do if she allowed them to be educated by Benjamin's tutor.

"Charlotte. Benjamin's mummy and daddy want him educated in one way and yours want you educated in another, now turn around lass."

"Oh…" Charlotte pondered as her mother buttoned the back of her dress. "Mummy what's educated?" Elsie laughed.

"It means what you learn." Elsie kissed her cheek. "And how you learn."

Charlotte paused, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. She wanted to stay at home, to go to school with Benjamin, to see her mother at lunchtime, and moreover, she understood that Cora also wanted her and Charlie to stay and not attend the village school. Why should they go when they were so welcomed in a place they were already loved?

"Why can't we learn the same things?" The little girl asked, squinting a little, the idea still confusing to her.

Elsie paused for a moment, a deep sadness overcoming her as she looked down at her daughter. She'd known it would come to this sooner or later and for the first time in a long time, remembered precisely why she'd been so hesitant to let her children become part of Downton's nursery, and constant companions of the future Lord Grantham. Elsie sighed, getting on her knees, deciding it was time the truth begin to come out. She took a deep breath, caressing her tiny baby bump for strength.

"Oh my love." She sighed, hoping not to break her baby's heart. "Because when you grow up, you and Benjamin won't have the same life."

…

"I don't have much of a feeling about this one. I think he wants to remain a mystery to his mummy." Elsie confided, rubbing her belly softly.

It was the middle of the day and she sat in the kitchen with Beryl, feeding Samuel his lunch. Mrs. Patmore sensed something off about her friend, noting she was a bit shorter with everyone than usual, and wondered if it had anything to do with having sent the twins off to school for the first time.

"Well I'm glad the new baby lad finally grew a bit. That's a relief." The cook laughed, trying to be light hearted.

"Yes a wee bit but not enough. And I am nearly half way through… Dr. Clarkson says its fine, but I still worry. Not that I've not enough to worry about."

"Something else troubling you?" She asked gently.

Elsie sighed. "My older two getting on, just as we all are." She laughed, putting her hand on her back. "Oooh."

"Kick?"

"No. Still no kicking from this one." There was no kicking, but Elsie's back had hurt a lot lately and she was worried about it: it didn't feel right, or like anything she'd ever felt before. "Oooh."

"They're smart little things they'll love school… your back again?" Beryl asked, revealing that she'd noticed her friend's dilemma over the past several days.

Elsie nodded, wincing again. "Its as if she's not laying correctly and even though baby's so little it… ooooh Lucy Carson… Lucy you may not kick yet but I know you can move, please turn over."

Elsie actually wasn't sure of that. A large part of her still thought something was wrong and feared the child would be a stillborn, but she tried her best to think otherwise, it kept her going when nothing else did.

Daisy watched Elsie, glaring at her as if she were watching a mad woman, and decided there and then that she would never have her own children. The young girl didn't realize how very burdened the older woman was.

"The poor lass." Beryl laughed, whispering to Daisy. "She'll be alright in the end of it."

"Sam, Samuel no!" Elsie almost yelled when she opened her eyes. In just seconds, the baby had placed his hands in the bowl, coating himself, his highchair and part of the floor in the mush that was supposed to be his sustenance. "Samuel no!"

Samuel paid no mind to his mother and instead, tossed another bit of mush onto the floor. Elsie looked back at Beryl, angry as she started to laugh. Her heart sank. She was exhausted, immensely frustrated and was trying her best not to cry.

"Oh Samuel!" Elsie was upset. "Don't do this to your poor, pregnant mum!"

Baby Samuel, who was slowly learning to feed himself, had become immensely messy over the past few weeks, a habit that had seriously begun to frustrate his worried, hormonal, and overly emotional mum. In some way, the baby seemed to have begun his terrible twos just shortly after his first birthday and Elsie wondered how she'd survive it pregnant.

"Oh Elsie, I'll clean the lad up." Beryl volunteered, still laughing.

"That isn't the point." Tears streamed down Elsie's cheeks now. "The point is that mummy is very tired and upset!" Really she was at the end of her rope and had a bad feeling about the twins' first day.

"I suppose now is not a good time?" Carson asked, coming in the kitchen. He paused, gazing at his baby son sternly. "I will deal with you later lad."

"Mr. Carson you can't _deal_ with him, he's only a baby." Elsie reasoned, drying her tears.

Samuel took the opportunity to toss the remainder of his food in Mrs. Patmore's face, but his parents didn't notice. Carson paused, not knowing what to say to his wife. He'd come with news for her that he wasn't prepared to deliver.

"Mrs. Hughes… we've been called to the school for a conference."

"A conference?" She asked quickly. "It's only the first day!"

Elsie was horrified in an instant, wondering what trouble could possibly have befallen her little babies. She jumped to her feet, a state of near panic gripping her soul.

"They're fine." He cautioned. "But I'm afraid that doesn't mean all is well."

…

An Hour Later

"How could he have said such a thing?" Carson thundered.

According to the teacher, the Carson twins liked to speak their minds. Elsie said nothing, walking alongside her husband quiet as a mouse as they made their way back to Downton.

"I don't teach anyone to _speak their mind_." He seemed disgusted. "What are they, Americans?" He scoffed. "Perhaps this _is_ her ladyship's fault." He considered.

Elsie's eyes widened in surprise, this was possibly the first time she'd ever heard him criticize a member of the family. Had she heard right? Well, he wasn't speaking of the blessed Lady Mary so she supposed anything aside from that was possible. Elsie understood the consideration; in some way she also blamed Cora, having left the schoolhouse with the understanding that her children would never be quite who she wanted them to be because her influence. At the same time, she was proud that her twins spoke their minds: that alone made them everything she'd wanted them to be.

"There's nothing wrong with a fighting, fiery sprit? Have you ever met the mother?" She asked, looking at him out of the corner of her eye, her gaze remaining focused ahead. Carson stared at her in surprise but said not a word. "I don't know Mr. Carson your children might be Scottish for all you know, did you ever think of that?"

Carson sighed, reminding himself that his children did seem to possess his wonderful wife's fighting spirit, just as they had so much of the rest of her in them. In some way he knew that was a good thing and in another he was ashamed they'd been disruptive on their first day, it was a shocking departure from how he would behave. The twins, it would seem, had asked too many questions, had not been quiet when told and most troubling of all to Elsie, the teacher had said Charlotte had 'known too much.'

 _Charlie and Elsie had arrived at the school to find all the other children playing outside and the twins huddled in opposite corners of the room crying. Both were in trouble. Elsie went to her son and Carson to his daughter._

 _"Daddy!" Charlotte had cried. "I'm in twroble!" Charlotte's tummy ached at the prospect she'd never really been in real trouble before._

 _"What on earth happened?" He asked, taking his crying daughter in his arms. He rocked her gently; in his heart knowing his princess could've done no wrong. "You can tell daddy anything." He dried her tears._

 _"Daddy I… I read too much!" Charlotte was confused. "How could I read too much?!" Her heart raced. Carson knew his daughter was an exceptional reader but wondered what she meant._

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _"They said I go too fast! And daddy… these children are like Ben. Charlie and I read and they can't!"_

 _"Charlie m'wee lad." Elsie said, getting on her knees next to her son's desk. He turned to her within seconds and wrapped his arms around her neck._

 _"Mummy." He cried softly._

 _"Oh my baby Charlie what is it, what happened?" She held him tight._

 _"Mummy I drew this when we were supposed to draw a man on the farm, teacher said my head was in the clouds! Mummy I don't want to loose my head, I want it to stay on Charlie, what's that mean?!"_

 _Elsie took her son's picture, seeing just what had been asked for: a man, on a farm, the abbey in the foreground and of course a little but very detailed airplane way up high. The drawing was really very exceptional for such a little boy to have made. She paused, kissing his cheek, a bit of pride soaring in her heart._

 _"Mummy you like my airplane?" He hiccupped, holding back tears._

 _"Yes my beautiful boy. I love your airplane." Elsie bit her lip._

"I've a mind to turn them over my knee." Carson thundered, shaking Elsie out of her memory. 'The children need to be disciplined, all three of them. Where did we go wrong Mrs. Hughes?"

"Samuel is a baby! He's out of hand, but he's just a rambunctious little lad whose learning how to be a normal little boy." Elsie had more to say on the subject of the twins but held her tongue. She felt numb and confused and didn't want to get into a fight.

They were on a long walk back to the abbey now, trying to figure out what to do. They'd brought Daisy to the school with them and sent the twins home with her so they could talk to the teacher. It was there they'd been told of their children's deficiencies: the five year olds were disobedient, one was mouthy, the other had his head in the clouds… one was too smart (for a girl), the other not quite bright enough in ways that mattered (for a boy). Elsie was not sure that she agreed about any of it. She felt very confused, very offended, and Carson was simply embarrassed by their disobedience.

"You've said that before and you never turn anyone over your knee." She reminded sharply, returning to the subject of discipline. "They're not bad Mr. Carson, although I do agree they do need to be punished for not being quiet when they were told… I'm afraid they're just from a different world." She admitted, sighing. Elsie was disheartened: this was _NOT_ how it was supposed to go.

"Oh and what does that mean?" He stopped suddenly, wanting her to say what he was already thinking.

"It means that Downton's nursery has ruined them Charlie." She said simply.

"What?!" He seemed shocked. He was thinking it'd made them better.

"Charlie is modern, Charlotte is clever and both are very brave." Elsie knew this without question and resented the suggestion that anything was _wrong_ with her children when she thought them perfect and was proud of who they were. Still, she worried. "What if they're too smart for their own good Charlie? What if it's that? What if Downton has set them up for the expectation of a life they can't…"

"Elsie that's ridiculous!" He didn't see it that way at all; just the opposite.

"Is it?!" She cried. "This is just what I warned you about, why I didn't want them raised with Master Benjamin…"

"And who says this really is better than our other options?!" Carson stopped, almost yelling at her.

Elsie was shaken. In an instant she knew he saw things very differently than she, and didn't want to hear the truth in his words. She paused, feeling a bit like she'd gotten slapped as she started to cry again.

"Elsie…"

She was already so burdened, with her vibrant tot, and another unborn child who seemed to be failing to thrive.

"Don't you see? I want them to be smart, and modern and so very brave and I'm proud that my children question things that they think for themselves. No I don't like that that school wants them to shut up! But I want them free!" She was openly crying now. "I brought them into the world to be free, modern, happy people. And if they're educated by the abbey then they're trapped by it!"

"Well if that's how you feel they're certainly being trapped by the school!"

"Don't you see, then they owe it their whole lives! They'll be beholden to Downton. They'll never get away. Charlie I can't… I can't do that to them. The way of that world is dying, it's well for you and I but it'd be drudgery for them, worse than for Thomas, Charlie! And our children have so much promise. I know they can be anything they want. Please, don't make me sacrifice my babies to a dying future." She sobbed. "To the servitude of posh people unlike you and me."

Carson paused, thinking that she was both overly emotional and overly Scottish that day.

"And you're the one who so badly wanted something better for them

Something _we_ didn't have, something _we_ can't give!" Carson yelled as she sobbed.

He was upset too, that he didn't have the means to provide something better than the village school, without depending on a handout from the Crawley's that was, but deep inside he knew that was the right choice: that the twins would be better for it and he wished his wife could just see.

"Don't you dare say I don't want for them what I can't give!" She cried. "Do you know what I've sacrificed to bring them into the world, to hope for a future for them?"

"Elsie…"

"It's not enough is it, it's not enough that here I am, doing the best I can with

three overly inquisitive children, that I work my fingers to the bone and don't want them to grow up and do the same. That's what will be expected." Elsie panicked and Carson knew it wasn't completely true. "So they've offered Charlie an education, so he can grow up and be their servant too?" She asked.

"There's been talk of his being a barrister Elsie, our son a barrister." He thought that was pretty good.

"That won't do for him." She said quickly. "He's no barrister. I want him to be whatever he decides, to do whatever his heart takes him too. But he's a boy he'll be helped. What of my Charlotte? I don't want her to grow up to be a maid like me. To work herself to death, and to carry around a dead babe inside of her while doing it!" She sobbed.

'Elsie!" Carson gasped. "What…"

"Mr. Carson please, please hear me!" She sobbed as he took her into his arms, his heart spinning.

"Elsie what, what is it?" He soothed, knowing this couldn't all have been about the twins and their school.

She just continued to cry, breaking down and shaking in his arms.

"My Elspeth it will all be okay. It'll all be alright."

"Charlie….Charlie I think our baby is dead."


	41. A Brave New Future

Ch 41- A Brave New Future

"Oh Elspeth." He said, his heart breaking at her words. Tears flooded his eyes as he reached up and ran all of his fingers through her hair. "My Elspeth." He whispered, cupping her cheek in his palm as she cried. "Don't mistake that you are the most wonderful wife and mother in the whole of the earth."

Carson paused, swallowing hard as he leaned his forehead against hers. He wanted to be of comfort but her words: 'our baby is dead' flooded his mind. He couldn't fathom that the baby they were expecting might really be gone.

"What did I do? I've wronged them: I've wronged all four of them Charlie. I set two up for failure, can't handle the third and lost the fourth." She sobbed, her voice cracking.

"You've only done everything you knew to do, and you've done it all perfectly, and I promise my Mrs. Hughes. I know in my heart and promise that… Elsie…."

"I can't… I can't handle being the mother of a dead babe Mr. Carson. I can't handle baring a dead babe think it'd break me." She bit her lip as she started to sob again.

Because she'd waited so long for them, Elsie was so much more grateful for her children than many mothers. She was entranced with them, deeply in love and the idea that she'd have to loose another one who'd been right under heart crushed her.

"Oh Elsie. Elspeth my love I won't let you be broken." He said, his own heart cracking. He held her tight, rocking her as she cried and kissed the dome of her head ever so gently. "I won't let you break, because whatever happens I'll be here to put all the pieces back together."

Neither said another word as she clutched his shirt and continued to sob, he simply rocked her, feeling his own heart breaking.

…..

"Mummy why we back with nanny?" Charlie asked as his mother took the three of them up the stairs.

Elsie's heart was heavy and her back ached. The next day came quickly and they'd decided not to send the children back to school at least not for now. She felt like a complete failure as a mother. How many other women like her had ever been able to say they had a nanny to help and yet still fell so short as a parent? Elsie didn't answer her son, consumed with her own thoughts about the twins, their schooling and most of all the deep pain in her back: she thought she was having a miscarriage but hadn't said anything to Carson or Mrs. Patmore yet.

"M'lady?" She asked, knocking on Cora's bedroom door once she'd taken the children up. Cora turned from her vanity in surprise, brightening suddenly when she saw Elsie.

"Please, come and sit." She said, noting her friend looked a bit pale.

Cora knew what had transpired at the school and was self aware enough to feel guilty, knowing she'd had a big impact on how the Carson twins saw the world.

"I don't think this is going to work." Elsie admitted and Cora sighed.

"I know it's not what you want. But why don't the twins just come to school with Benjamin? At least for now…they're used to Downton, really. And here they'll get a little bit more individual attention … we talked about having Charlie go to school with Benjamin or at least to Ripon Grammar… this would prepare him better for that."

"Cora… There are some _differences_ between our children that…" Cora paused, knowing immediately what Elsie was saying. The Scottish woman continued. "There has to be life beyond Downton for them, m'lady. They have to be able to see a life that's _possible_ for them."

Cora paused not knowing how to reply to that, something inside her knew the twins would be better off staying at Downton, that _**it**_ was necessary for their future, but didn't very well feel she could debate the children's mother on what was best for them.

"I know." The American offered. "But at least, please give it a try. Let them stay a day or two, talk to the tutor and see how it goes. I promise that either way they'll be prepared for the real world."

….

"Mummy why you hurt so much?" Charlotte asked concerned from her place in the bathtub.

Elsie was in pain and wished she would've asked Mrs. Patmore to bathe Charlotte that evening.

"I-I don't know." She managed, clutching the edge of the tub.

"Mummy… is baby okay?" She whispered.

Elsie looked up and into her daughter's sad brown eyes, her heart breaking a little at the thought that the child was so desperate for the sake of her unborn sibling.

"Yes I'm okay… I'm okay." Elsie winced.

…..

Several days passed and Elsie was floored to have gained a little weight rather than lost the baby. Her back was still sore and she wondered what could be going on. She'd had a hint of the back pain before, but it'd never been as strong as this. She stopped and took a deep breath, leaning against the wall for comfort. Elsie found that the stairs were a place of great refuge for her. She could stop and think and relax her tense muscles as she went to and from. Right now, she was dropping off linens to the dining room, after which she and Carson were to meet with Downton's tutor for the first time.

Elsie didn't like the plan, but Carson was satisfied. The village school had been her dream, but instead the twins seemed to be doing better at the abbey's private school originally intended only for Master Benjamin. She was surprised that virtually everyone agreed with Carson and Cora. Even Lady Mary had been more keen about the twins attending school in the house, citing the fact that:

'It's always more fun with three than with one.'

Only Mr. Molesley sympathized with Mrs. Carson. But even he, as a man with a lot of knowledge and as it turned out an interest in education, had sat down with the twins and reported back to their mother that they were both more than average but that he couldn't tell her why exactly.

Elsie reluctantly made her way into Downton's school room to find her husband already there. It was an old-fashioned looking place, the desks from the time of the fifth earl of Grantham, and until recently it'd also been a very disorderly and dusty one, having been abandoned years before when Lady Sybil finished her lessons there.

"Mrs. Carson." The tutor greeted as she sat next to her husband, feeling the sharp pain edge up her back again. "I think I'd like to start with the brightest of the three…" He said, looking through some paperwork on his desk.

The couple gave a moment of pause Carson's heart filling with pride because he knew the smartest of the three was his Charlotte. The twins had even said it the night before. They'd had dinner at home and Charlotte had voiced that her new classes were also a bit easy, while Charlie had complained that they were even more boring and requested that his father teach him rugby instead.

"Charlie." The teacher said.

"Charlie?!" The Carsons gave a collective gasp.

Don't misunderstand, the love that Carson and Elsie held in their hearts for their oldest son was unparalleled. And they did think he was bright, just not in an academic sense. Charlotte liked to read, and had shown interest in mathematics: he did not (even though he could).

"Yes, Charlie is head and shoulders above his sister and Benjamin as well."

"A-are you sure?"

Elsie wanted to ask if he'd meant her son who she'd had to drag to class the morning prior. Carson's head spun and the revelation and the idea piqued Elsie's interest.

"Then why doesn't he care about school?" Carson asked.

"He's the brightest, but he doesn't care so much about academia because he's imaginative."

"Imaginative?" Carson asked, almost disgusted by the word it seemed. "I didn't raise anyone to be _imaginative._ "

The teacher laughed. "Imaginative. He's special. You didn't teach him: it's just who he is. He doesn't want to be taught something old when he can think of something new."

Carson paused, for a moment having a huge problem with this. It wasn't how he'd planned on raising his son; it wasn't who he wanted him to be.

"But Mr. Carson, it's a wonderful thing: your son's gifted."

He handed them a picture Charlie had drawn, yet another airplane, this one far more fantastic than the one before. Carson considered for a moment that flying had been impossibility when he was a boy, but yet for Charlie, it seemed to open up a world of possibilities to him.

The teacher continued. "I can understand that it's a surprise. Charlotte is an eager student and I see why you thought her the more promising student and in these changing times, I know she'll have a lot of opportunity, but Charlie. In the changing world Charlie has a lot of promise and I promise you will be _anything_ he desires."

The teacher's words had started off Elsie's tears and when they got in the hall she turned to her husband and kissed him.

"It wouldn't have been this way for them had they been born sooner and besides that, you're a wonderful mother." He reassured.

"Oh Charlie he can be anything he wants… do you think really, do you think they could really have a different future?" She asked her eyes for once filled with happy tears.

She so badly wanted her children to have a future she had not, and a ticket out of servitude she'd previously thought that a Downton education would be a ticket back to it, but now she wasn't so sure.

"I think they'll have a brave new future my Mrs. Hughes." He soothed, kissing the tip of her nose, his voice low and rumbling.

"Lucy too?" She asked, looking down at her tiny but obviously rounded frame.

He paused, looking down at the babe who'd almost yet to show its self, not knowing if he should promise his desperate wife a thing, but in faith he decided to take a chance.

"Yes Mrs. Hughes, our Lucy too."

….

"No m'lad. " Elsie giggled as Sam lifted up his shirt and looked at his tummy. "The baby's in mummy's tummy, not in Samuel's my silly lad."

Sam was confused and looked down at his own chubby baby tummy. Elsie reached over and began to tickle him. He started to giggle thunderously and squealed aloud as she kissed his cheek.

"Oh my baby Samuel. Your poor tired mummy's going to have another baby, a brother or a sister like Charlie or Charlotte, did you know that?"

Sam cooed, gurgling baby slobber as he looked up clueless at his mom. Elsie had announced her news to the whole house during Sam's birthday party and every one was ecstatic. She was sure though, that Sam didn't understand even after several weeks. She took his tiny hand and placed it on her side. Samuel giggled, feeling something there.

Elsie had not felt the baby kick yet (even though she could feel it move a bit now). This child seemed to have a very low level of activity compared with its siblings and she was still very worried about it. Even so, Sam could feel something different under his mother's skin today and was unsure what it was. But he had no idea that it was a special day: it was official she was five months along.

"Would my wee lad like to hold the spoon?" Elsie asked, bouncing him slightly on her hip.

Sam looked on, interested as his mother handed him the wooden spoon. He clasped onto it with careful, tiny fingers, shaking it proudly once he realized he had a good grip on it.

"There's my wee lad." Elsie said, kissing the side of his head as he squealed.

Samuel kept a firm grip on the spoon as he shoved the tail end of it in his mouth, beginning to chew. Elsie sighed.

"I don't know what to make of that lad, baby slobber all over the soup spoon, what will your da think, hmm?" She asked gently as he continued to gnaw on it.

Slowly Elsie began to hum as she added vegetables to the sizzling soup, swaying her now full hips back and forth as her tune turned from a gentle murmur to a joyous song. Sam squealed as his mother recanted the tune that had been stuck in her head, the one played the night prior at the small concert at Downton. Sam rocked in her arms, even as she rocked him and deep inside, Elsie could feel her youngest doing the same…. But not quite kicking.

"May I have this dance my very handsome little lad?" She asked, kissing the side of his head as she continued to hum and began to dance around the kitchen.

Sam looked up at his mother, adoration evident in his big blue eyes. She giggled into his ear as she danced with him, whispering to him: "You're a very handsome dance partner just like your daddy." She said, not noticing that Sam was practically swinging the spoon.

"Ouch." She said quietly when it hit her belly. Sam looked down, feeling that he'd hit something.

"Ooooo." He mumbled, looking back up at her when he fully realized that her belly was different.

He looked down again, noting he'd been sitting on it all this time and wondering how he could not have noticed before. As well as being her fifth month, it was the first day that Elsie really, truly showed and she couldn't wait to show Charlie who'd left the house almost before dawn. She'd discovered it when she woke and he was long gone to the house. Elsie was so relieved of the baby's growth she'd cried buckets.

"Don't hurt baby brother Samuel, no my love." She urged, rocking him still and continuing to dance. He started to laugh again when she began to sing and went back to her work assembling the soup.

"Daddy!" The twins cried collectively, running down the stairs when they heard him come down the door.

"There you are!" Carson laughed deeply, reaching down to collect his twin children in his embrace.

Carson had had a profoundly good day. This baby thing had been weighing heavily on his heart and of course he'd not confessed that to anyone. Elsie had dropped a bombshell on him when she'd told him her news, one that had overwhelmed him with a powerful mix of emotions. At the time, he was shocked and wasn't sure how (with his job in peril) he'd afford another wee dependent. Four was an awful lot to contend with, somehow a far cry from three.

A part of him had even been a little angry with her when she told him she was pregnant: they had just had a baby! Charlie would never forget when something inside of him groaned as the word _baby_ rolled off her lips. It was an emotion for which he felt deeply ashamed, but at the same time, held a deep understanding of.

He was getting old, too old for new fatherhood. He could feel in his soul and in the creaking of his bones… and yet something else, something that reverberated off of her tongue at sound of that same word: _baby_ made his heart soar with a pride so deep it was nearly uncontainable and despite his qualms he felt himself utterly blissful in a mere instant.

And then the worry followed. Originally _he'd_ been the one who'd strongly desired a fourth child, and had even asked Elsie about trying again when Samuel was a new little baby. In hindsight, Carson felt a deep, foreboding regret for the hesitation he'd felt when Elsie had broken the news. _**This was a baby he'd wanted**_ (and although he'd never admit it, a baby he'd persuaded her into conceiving). At first, he'd been dumbfounded, nearly in disbelief, when Elsie's morning sickness had been so violent, but when the baby failed to grow under her skin his worry had transformed into a bitter regret he had admitted to no one. Had his momentary hesitation done this to his much wanted baby? In the past few weeks, Carson had been more overwhelmed by this concern than he could say. He was not a man of science or of medicine and like Lord Grantham he did not enjoy medical detail…. But he was knowledgeable enough to understand that something was not right and devastated that he could be at fault.

Moreover, he felt guilty: for the fight they'd had, the stress he'd put her though and for not knowing what to do about the twins. But today, just all of a sudden he felt at peace. He'd been thinking, searching his heart and there he found unspoken words: confidence and love for his wife, and a vow for his new child. Carson smiled up at his Elsie as he held their twins, at first just seeing her face and noting that she was glowing (just as he was). He couldn't wait to tell her how, in the middle of the day, something had softened his heart assuring him the baby was fine, and confidently he fell in love again with the idea of falling in love.

Jubilant, Carson lifted his twins into his arms, kissing each of their cheeks several times. Ordinarily, he would not have approved of how loud they were when they greeted him, but he was very glad they were so excited to see him.

"Oh hello my beautiful children." He soothed, rocking them in his arms.

A tear trickled down Elsie's cheek, her heart bursting at the sound of his confident booming voice lovingly addressing their babies.

"Samuel look, look Daddy's home!" She called.

Carson felt washed anew inside. And somehow, it seemed like he hadn't seen Elsie in days. She was at the stove, Sam on her hip holding the wooden spoon soaked in soup.

"Oh Elsie look at you." He gasped, noticing the rest of her suddenly. He could've dropped the twins at the sight of her, but instead retreated to her side, his heart swelling with relief. "You…"

"It's quite the sight isn't it Mr. Carson?" She asked, tears coming to her eyes.

The two came to an understanding without uttering a syllable, sighing in relief at each other's gaze that their new baby really was going to be all right. Charlie and Charlotte saw the relief in their parent's gaze but did not have an understanding of it.

"He grew!" His heart leapt. "He grew!"

The Carson's both started to sniffle, and stared back lost in each other's eyes. Charlotte watched, understanding that something beyond her reasoning was transpiring. She soaked it in as something deep and memorable, but Charlie paid no mind and instead asked the question that had been on his mind all day.

"Daddy, you still love mummy if she get fat again?" Charlie asked and Elsie burst out laughing.

"Oh my son I may love her even more." Carson said, tearfully gazing into his wife's eyes.

…

Elsie moaned, arching her back. She clutched the sheets beneath her, tilting her head as he made his way down, one big, loving, sloppy kiss at a time. He started at the lips, making his way slowly down her neck, cupping her breast in his hand as he descended upon her collarbone, caressing her flesh with his lips in such a way that she knew it would leave a decided mark. Elsie cried out as he moved down, his kisses growing sweeter, but less passionate by the inch. And as he reached her now blossoming belly, he placed a final kiss right on the center.

He got on his hands and paused, hanging over her but not saying a word. She smiled deeply, knowing by the look in his eye that he was about to confess something from the heart.

"Oooh!" Elsie jumped suddenly.

"What? What?" Carson asked, panicking a bit.

"It kicked. He kicked!" She said quickly, grabbing one of his hands and placing it on her side.

"He... he kicked!" He laughed.

"I think that's a sign someone is going to be a wee daddy's lad or lass." She giggled.

Carson's heart sighed. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, saying nothing as he rolled over beside her and took her in his arms, her stomach pressed firmly into his. He kissed her deeply as grateful tears streamed down her cheeks. Growing had been a big confirmation. But the fact that the baby had made its presence known gave her confidence; assuring her she was nurturing a healthy, living child. Before now, she'd considered the possibility that she was carrying a child who had passed on and would be stillborn, but had not mentioned it to anyone.

"My Mrs. Hughes. I've had quite a thought today." He began, his forehead against hers. She closed her eyes and paused, taking in the feel of her newest child as it kicked.

"Hmmm?"

"My Mrs. Hughes, you've made me… well you've rather made me like change."

"You?!" She laughed.

"Me. Feel that?" He asked of the baby's soft kicks. "Those are changes. And while changes are messy and turbulent."

"And frightening."

"Yes and frightening." He said, kissing her forehead. "You and all you've given me, remind me that even as time goes on, and things become uncertain… and we become frightened…there is always a miracle." He said, placing his large hands on either side of her bare belly. "That's worth every bit of trepidation."

"Oh Mr. Carson." She giggled. "Oh how I love you."


	42. Part Miracle, Part I

Ch 42- Part Miracle, Part I

"She's so big all of a sudden." Daisy mumbled.

"Shu, she'll hear you!" Mrs. Patmore barked.

It wasn't long after the baby started to grow that Elsie's demeanor did a 360. Her back pain had increased and it showed. She was more tired now, short with everyone and most of all: moody.

"It's a girl you know." Beryl reminded placing a cup of tea in front of Elsie who took it in hand a bit too quickly.

"She's funny pregnant, idn't she?" Daisy whispered.

"Shuu." Beryl shushed but Elsie didn't notice.

The housekeeper was tired and beyond that, in pain. Elsie rested the teacup atop her belly and even though it was still on the small side, the baby's punch was powerful enough to almost knock it to the floor.

"Oooh." She moaned.

Elsie did this once in a while just to reassure herself that her slightly small baby was going to be all right, but now she was beyond the need for reassurance and overburdened with this child just as she'd been with Samuel.

"You go from still to the speed of your big brother….oooh!" She hissed. "That's reassuring."

"The speed of lightening from the looks of it." Beryl chuckled.

Chubby little Sam sat on a blanket on the kitchen floor looking back up suspiciously at his auntie Beryl. For the first time in his short life, Sam Carson found that something was slowing him down: learning how to walk.

"Don't tease him." Elsie pled, toying with balancing the cup once again.

"He's so wee little Mrs. Patmore." Daisy reminded.

"And with a very pregnant mum." Elsie added.

She felt bad. Samuel had first started learning to walk during the summer, back when she'd first announced she was pregnant again. He could stand and toddle a little bit but the tiny boy hadn't mastered walking or running. Elsie assumed that was her fault and now that she was too pregnant to assist her tiny son, she was putting more and more pressure on her husband to do it.

"Come along Samuel, it's time for your practice." Carson thundered kindly as he drifted into the room.

"D-d-d." The boy mumbled, reaching for his father.

"Mummy would you like to come?" Carson asked.

"I would but I'm waiting for the doctor to come."

"The doctor?" Carson and Beryl asked at once, both of them panicked.

"I don't feel right. He's just going to make sure everything's in order. And NO I'm not in labor… no reason to worry."

"I-if you're sure of course, Samuel and I will accompany you when he comes."

Carson held his son close, and helped his wife to her feet trying not to make it obvious that he was worried. But he was. Elsie followed him close, her hand on her back. She closed her eyes, feeling the baby kick and listening to Sam babble, easily reminding herself that burdened or not, she felt like she was the happiest, most blessed woman in the world.

She didn't say it aloud but yelped very quietly when she felt her little one shift oddly inside. The baby seemed to choose the strangest, most uncomfortable positions to lie and it was driving Elsie crazy. It was like having something shoved deep under your fingernail and get stuck there, except it was in the depth of her back and instead of a tiny crumb it was a whole baby: the sensation wasn't overtly painful, but somewhat unbearable and much different from what she'd felt with her other children.

"That's a good strong step isn't it lad?" Carson asked, holding his son's hands and guiding him carefully as he took a few steps.

Carson's words called Elsie back to the present moment and despite her pain she watched with a smile, opening her arms to Sam. She was sad that her expectant belly made it difficult to help him learn to walk, but thankful that her husband was more than willing to take on the task… when pressed.

"Come to mummy Sam, mummy wants to see you, you can do it." It was hard for her, but she leaned down a bit, eager to catch the little boy when he reached her arms.

Carson let go of their son's hands he wobbled slightly, taking a few steps toward his mother before falling flat on his behind with a hard smack. It wasn't Sam's best day.

"Waaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaahhhh!" Sam sobbed.

"Oh my sweetheart." Elsie cried, leaning down further and finding that her back froze.

"Oh my boy." Carson soothed, scooping the baby into his arms and kissing his cheek, trying to calm him down. "You're doing a good job, my Samuel."

"My poor wee lad. Mr. Carson I want to hold him." She said, holding out her arms.

"Are you sure you can…" He wasn't sure.

"Yes." She said impatiently, holding out her arms for her son, almost pleading. It hurt so much to see him cry. "Come here my little love. Oh Mr. Carson I feel so bad: he's my baby too. He's not even walking as he should be and with him, you'd think he'd run!"

"Everyone has their own timetable Mrs. Hughes." Carson considered. "It's why our newest babe's making such odd choices, why our twins are so… special."

In the two months since the twins had began school, it'd become increasingly evident that they were the very best of the bright young things of the day.

"And most of all it's why we had children so late ourselves." He kissed her nose, taking Sam out of her arms. "Everyone's a bit different and Sam will be fine."

Elsie grabbed Sam's arms and held him up as Carson crossed the room. This time, Sam was going to try a longer walk to the safety of his dad's arms. The tiny boy blinked, feeling secure that his hands were safe within mummy's grasp and he studied his father carefully, seeing his large frame, kind smile and warm hands as a place of safe refuge after a fear-filled battle.

"Go on m'lad." Elsie whispered, leaning down a bit as she urged Sam to walk. But with that, her belly hit Sam hard on the head and again he landed on the floor with a plop.

…

"Surely something's wrong?" Carson raised an eyebrow, watching Elsie wince as Clarkson pressed on her stomach. Sam sat on his father's knee, watching curiously.

Clarkson sighed, his tone one of disappointment rather than worry. "Not wrong, just… unusual. The baby's much smaller than Samuel was and may be breech."

"And that means?" Carson asked as Elsie sat up.

"In short, Samuel stretched out Mrs. Carson's womb..."

Samuel giggled when Clarkson said this and Carson grimaced at the phrasing but Elsie understood perfectly the idea making sense to her. Clarkson continued.

"As a result this baby has room to move around as he wishes, room his siblings didn't have and that's why Mrs. Carson is in a lot of pain. The baby may and might I stress, _may_ have a backwards or breech presentation at birth."

"But that's dangerous?" Elsie asked having known something was wrong.

Clarkson sighed. "It may require I perform a caesarean section, yes."

"But that's… very dangerous." Carson considered, the thought chilling him to the bone.

The butler felt his heart begin to break at the idea that he might loose his wife in such an awful way, after years of their wanting children. They'd been through so much during her pregnancy with Samuel and he'd hoped that even given her age and the baby's lack of growth, they'd have an easier time this time around.

"I won't sugarcoat it: it is dangerous." Clarkson said, putting his stethoscope away. "But not like it was even a few years ago. It'll be stressful if it has to happen: but Mrs. Carson should pull through just fine."

"So… we're not to worry?" Carson asked, the look on his face indicating worry. Elsie stayed silent, feeling an odd peace.

"No. Prepare. I'll keep a check on you the baby still is little and has the chance and the time to turn round the right way and he may."

"Oh." Carson was relieved.

"In the meantime, you should try a music box, sometimes placing it to the lower part of the belly can get the baby to turn, but I'm going to warn you if he doesn't turn, you're going to have to give birth at the hospital."

…

Carson was of course aghast at the suggestion.

"No one in my family's ever been born in a _hospital_ before."

"Oh get on with the times Mr. Carson, I don't suppose you'll be around for it but I'd think most of our grandchildren will be born in a hospital."

"G-grandchildren?" He considered, stopping cold.

Elsie was slaving away in the kitchen while her husband sat, feeding the baby. Sam grabbed his father's hand, trying to steer the spoon he held toward his mouth.

'There daddy.' Sam thought. 'That's it…'

"Grandchildren." He said again, looking down at his son.

"Mr. Carson we're going to have four children soon you'd think that at least a couple of grandchildren would come of that." She laughed.

Carson paused, finding the whole thing odd. Grandchildren. After so many years, longing for children of his own he realized he'd never really considered the possibility of his family extending beyond that. Of children having children of their own. Of he and Elsie truly living on into time. He looked down at Samuel whose tiny face was covered in mush and found himself awed at the idea that the small boy might one day be a father himself.

'Time.' Carson thought. 'Is a fickle thing.'

He swallowed hard, looking back up at her. They'd been worried all this time, but after the doctor's news something seemed to eat at him every time he looked into her eyes. A middle aged woman stared back at him, but as before he saw a scared young girl in her eyes and he ached with the knowledge that he couldn't protect her from what might come: from loosing their baby, from growing old, from dying….

"I suppose we won't be here to see that." He said simply.

"No." She bit her lip.

"Da!" Samuel squeaked suddenly, upset that his father wasn't paying attention to him.

Carson and Elsie turned back to him in an instant, both forgetting their fears momentarily.

"He spoke!" Carson chuckled deeply.

"He's talking!" Elsie cried, tears coming to her eyes. "Oh Mr. Carson he's talking!"

Sam looked back at both of his parents and clapped for himself wondering what the big deal was.

"Oh my charming wee little lad!" Elsie cried.

Carson paused as he watched his wife kiss their son. He'd been about to say it: 'I'm sorry.' And Samuel had saved him. He questioned himself as he watched Elsie fawn over their son, torn about how he could possibly be sorry for a miracle, sorry that he had had one more chance to make her pregnant. But the truth was, the risks scared him deeply and he understood them more than he let on. What he didn't know was that she understood them, almost intuitively and even so, didn't have a doubt in her mind or her heart that there was no where else she'd rather be than there with him, having his baby one last time, the risks taken not as a burden but as a privilege somehow.

"Thank you Mr. Carson." She said, collecting her son in her arms, difficult because of her growing frame.

He was dumbfounded and raised an eyebrow, eyeing her carefully as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently before turning back to the stew on the stove.

"W-whatever for?"

She sighed, closing her eyes as she grabbed his hand and placed it on her side.

"Those are wee feet." He whispered.

"Wee tiny feet." She whispered back, her forehead against his.

"I have a present for you." He said.

"Oooh?"

"Close your eyes."

"Do you hear that lad, daddy wants us to close our eyes?" She whispered. Sam spread his hands and smacked his tiny palms against his eyes when his mother said this.

"Open." Carson said, sitting a package on the counter in front of her.

"Oh Charlie!" She exclaimed, surprised to receive a beautifully wrapped gift. She wondered if he was truly that afraid about her condition and the thought turned her stomach a little as she proceeded to open it.

"Oh!" She exclaimed. "It's beautiful."

"My beautiful wife should sit for a moment and we'll try it out."

"But supper…"

"You shall sit… I'll finish supper."

Sam was curious about his mother's gift and reached down to touch it as she settled into the big living room chair and held him close. Carson took the gift and turned the crank on it, placing it against the bottom of Elsie's belly.

"Look what your daddy brought you wee one, do you want listen? And ooh! Charlie it's playing the song from our wedding dance, from the ceilidh!" She started to tear up, notcing that the music box played a much lighter version of the Scottish song. "How did you ever find it?"

"Let's simply say that like all of this." He placed his hand on her belly, caressing the side and trying to encourage the baby to move toward the sound of the music that her mother and father danced their first dance to. "Like all of this there was a bit of difficulty involved, but it was meant to be."

Elsie sighed, almost ready to cry and placed her hand over her husband's fear of what was to come hitting her very suddenly.

"Mrs. Carson there has been a lot of uncertainty for us, hasn't there?" He began, referring to all their struggles, chiefly their prior inability to conceive a child when they'd wanted so many.

"I'm scared Charlie." She admitted, a tear trickling down her cheek. She was accepting of it, but had never been more frightened in her life.

Carson placed his forehead against his wife's and took her cheek in hand, their tiny son watching the tender moment very carefully. He took his thumb and dried her tears very gently.

"It's why I've been so moody lately Charlie I knew… I knew something wasn't right…"

"And like every other fear, every other uncertainty it shall pass us by and one day, one day…"

"And one day." She searched his eyes, her gaze loving but determined. "One day no matter how hard it seems." She paused, knowing for sure now she wanted to reassure him: to give him a reason to go on even if she was not meant to go on with him. "One day Mr. Carson." Her eyes sparkled despite her fear and something about it seemed far too eerie to him, otherworldly even. Another part of him was simply dragged in. "It'll be part of miracle." She said almost jubilantly, the music box continuing to spin out an old tune that once rung of so much promise.


	43. More Than You Can Handle, Part II

Ch 43- More Than You Can Handle, II

Late November 1920

"No more twins?" Charlie asked, his big blue eyes sad. "But… but then Charlotte and I would each get one!"

He and his sister had wanted another pair of twins to join the family and were still confused about why that hadn't happened and why it apparently would not. Their parents, nanny and Lady Grantham had all sat them down for separate conversations about why they were special because they were twins, something that had yet to sink in for the pair.

"No twins Charlie but still, a lot will change." Carson said to his little boys. "When your mother has the new baby."

The boys were in their bath and had, until recently, been covered in mud from playing outside. Samuel was distracted with a toy he was playing with and Charlie stood suddenly, pouring a bucket of water over his baby brother's head.

"Charles!" Carson was shocked.

Sam squealed and burst out laughing and clapping, making it obvious that he was overjoyed by his brother's actions. He looked up, hoping he would do it again.

"Well I'm glad that turned out well." Carson laughed, relieved the baby hadn't cried.

"He loves it daddy." Charlie explained.

"I can see that." He said, reaching over and wiping the water out of Sam's eyes. "Charlie sit lad, you first."

"Okay, but no soap in Charlie's eyes daddy."

"No, m'lad no soap in Charlie's eyes."

Samuel watched carefully as his father washed Charlie's hair, wondering why he hadn't done the same with him. In that instant, Samuel realized for the first time that he had no hair or rather, nearly no hair.

Downstairs Charlotte watched her mother carefully as they ran their hands through the dough, preparing to make homemade bread. The little girl noticed her mother's middle had grown in the past few days, and she was more tired lately than she'd been before. Elsie took a deep breath, obviously encumbered by some measure of pain that was bad enough to keep her little girl on edge.

"Mummy?" She asked carefully.

"Hmmm." Her eyes were closed.

"Are you okay?" Charlotte gulped.

"Yes Charlotte I'm fine my lass… it's just sometimes…" Elsie paused, feeling that little bit of pain in her back again and wondering if it were alright to share that with her five year old. "Sometimes when you have a wee one inside you, things can get a little painful." She took a deep breath, steadying herself.

"SAMUEL!" Mother and daughter stopped when they heard Carson bellow; followed by Sam's intense giggling.

"I wonder what my most rambunctious lad is up to." Elsie laughed, knowing it had to be something if it made her husband that angry.

"Ha! Mummy!" Charlotte cried, covering her eyes as her baby brother ran by, giggling, stark naked and worst of all, tracking water all throughout the house.

"Oh dear! Samuel! Samuel Carson, you come back here right now!" Elsie cried, "I'm in no condition to be doing this…" She moaned, waddling quickly behind her son, fearful that either one of them would fall in the trail of soap and water he left behind.

Charlotte peaked from between her fingers and began to laugh as her mom finally caught the mischievous little boy in her arms and he began to giggle.

"Samuel, is that what you want, for everyone to see your toosh?" Elsie teased, kissing his cheek and forehead, causing him to squeal aloud and Charlotte to laugh. "My funny little lad, what's gotten into you?"

While obedient to a degree, and proper like their father, all the Carson children had inherited their mother's will: they were independent thinkers. They questioned authority, they thought of new, interesting ways to do things: this was especially true of Samuel, who hadn't understood why he couldn't just get himself out of the bath and proceed with his day.

"There he is." Carson sighed, holding his arms out for Sam when he reached them.

"Mummy that's just it that's what's gotten into him!" Charlotte observed.

"Hmm?" Her parents asked, clueless as to what she meant.

"Mummy that's Sam's job. I like books, Charlie likes adventure and Sam's supposed to be a funny baby."

"Cheerful Samuel." Elsie smiled, handing her son back to her husband, denoting that he was like his daddy.

"Don't start." He cautioned calmly, not wanting to tell the children about his stage days.

"And if he ever goes to Eton, he'll have many nights like that." Charlie observed, coming down the stairs.

"What?!" Charlie and Elsie asked collectively, wondering how even their creative little son would come up with such a thing.

"I don't know." Charlie shrugged. "That's what Lord Grantham said when Ben did that one time." Charlotte nodded in agreement.

Carson was about to reply but in that instant, Elsie to winced again, this time, she appeared to be being punched hard from within. He could see her almost jump in pain and raised his eyebrow.

"Charlotte? Charlie? Could you…excuse us for a moment? And take your brother." He requested.

Charlotte paused, her hands covered in bread dough. She didn't want to leave her mother's side but found she could not deny her father's demanding tone. Charlie, who wore only his bath towel, scurried up the stairs so he wouldn't have to help his sister and she sighed painfully, wondering how she'd get Sam up the stairs alone.

"Yes Daddy." She said.

"Oooh!" Elsie winced, closing her eyes.

Charlotte paused a moment, looking back at her mother, horrified. Elsie had started explaining what would happen when the baby came and although it was early, she wondered if this was it. Despite being too small, Charlotte took Sam (now wrapped in a towel) in her arms and began the long journey upstairs. Sam clung to his sister's hands and knowing there was food there began to suck on them.

"Elsie…" He reached out to help her.  
"No." She held her hand out, steadying herself. "No, I'm fine."

"You're not fine." He said sternly, his worry piquing.

"It's not labor Charlie, it's too early. It's a pinch in my back is all."

"Hmmm."

"Really."

"Not that I take much stock in what Dr. Clarkson has to say these days but… I

think we should pay him a visit tomorrow you and I."

Elsie took a deep breath, shaking her head.

"It's your fourth child and your first time having this… something could be very wrong, Elsie." He didn't want to say the obvious thing; so he'd forced himself to just come out with it.

Elsie paused, gathering herself as she looked back up at him. She hadn't wanted to admit that the pain was odd, that it was part way between somewhat crippling and something that would pass.

"Alright Mr. Carson. Alright we'll go."

….

"I really don't want any added stress put on Mrs. Carson." Carson urged as he watched Beryl and Daisy go about their work, almost seeming to ignore him.

"Don't worry Mr. Carson." Beryl sighed.

"Don't worry we'll take care of her." Daisy promised.

"So you think she…she isn't acting quite right then?"

"I think she's exhausted and got too many little ones to manage."

"I…" Carson paused and cleared his throat, wondering if this were a dig at him. He turned and retired to his wife's sitting room where he found her reclining in her chair. They'd seen Dr. Clarkson together earlier and he'd found nothing wrong with her, save the baby's odd position and the body readying itself for the real thing. Carson found himself dissatisfied with the doctor's answer but found no choice but to contend with it.

"I'll miss this." She said sadly, looking down at her belly. "With her little bitty feet dancing about inside me."

"Are you alright?" Carson asked, noting a tear in his wife's eye. She grabbed his hand and put it on her side, taking a deep breath and sighing. He paused, feeling the baby's foot graze his wife's side and in turn his hand.

"It's a beautiful, beautiful feeling." He reflected, kneeling next to her.

"I never thought I'd get here." She smiled. "And to have had four of them grow inside me. It's still every bit a miracle as it was when I heard the news for the first time and I just..."

"It is for me too my Elspeth, speaking of which I wanted to talk to you about that."

"About what?"

"Elspeth." He said.

"Oh?"

"Should we have a girl, I'd like it to be Lucy Elspeth. I know Charlotte's already an Elspeth, but it's a tribute because I love their mother so much."

Elsie blushed. "Mr. Carson, I should be honored that you'd want to name your treasured lass' after me. And furthermore if it's a boy, I'd like it to be William Charles… Charlie if it's a boy…"

"I was being a buffoon before Elsie. I've made plans about what to do if it's a boy."

"Oh." She said uncomfortably, biting her lip. "I rather think it might be another lad…I know we've been thinking girl but… every time I've been pregnant I've had a boy, Charlie I think I have a knack for having lads…"

"And if it's a lad I have a plan."

"What's that?" She asked, truly nervous now.

"To get him out on the field with his brothers and his da and teach him cricket as soon as he can walk."

"Oh?" She smiled.  
"Elsie I was being a buffoon before. I love my sons. I love them very much. What man doesn't take pride in his boys Elsie?"

"Certainly not you." She replied, tears of joy streaming down her face.

"No, certainly not me. In fact I'm going upstairs now, to get my boys and my baby lass, and probably their lonely friend Master Benjamin, and take them to get an ice cream what do you say; would mummy like to go?"

Elsie laughed. "Mummy would like to stay off her swollen feet a while but please take the children Charlie."

"Alright then, I shall leave you be." He said, leaning down and kissing her belly before kissing her cheek.

Carson was relieved to leave her in good spirits, but everything she'd said left him feeling a bit odd. He'd not been thinking about it in those terms at all: that she did have a knack for boys, that this was her last pregnancy and their last little baby. Carson found himself pausing as he went up the stairs to dry his cheeks, the idea bittersweet.

'How can it be so sudden like that?" He asked himself. "Our last baby."

"Daddy!" Charlie and Charlotte squealed, running to him the minute he came up the green baize door.

"There they are!" Although it was far from dignified, Carson picked up his twins and held them close, laughing as he kissed their cheeks and trying to hide the fact that he was in pain. The twins, excited to see him, each kissed his cheek.

Carson was surprised to look up and see Lady Grantham approach smiling. She held Benjamin's hand and Samuel on her hip.

"Oh m'lady I'll take…"

"He's no trouble." She smiled over at Sam. "Benjamin and I were just wondering if we could accompany you for ice cream."

Carson couldn't hide his surprise, and for the first time since his children had joined upstairs life, wondered if this had all gone a bit far. But, if she was sure…

"I-if you're sure m'lady that'd be lovely. But I will take Samuel."

"No, no you've got your hands full Carson and he's really no trouble at all." She laughed, heading out of the house head of him.

Cora was secretly delighted by Samuel and although somewhat odd would never say no to watching him.

Carson was hurt when Charlotte scurried out of his arms to go take Benjamin's waiting hand. He stared for a moment, stunned and wondering what was happening. But his shock was quickly taken away when Charlie tried to climb up onto his shoulders.

"Piggy back daddy!"

"Alright m'lad, alright." He laughed, happy to hold at least one of his kids. His heart soared when he placed his older son atop his shoulders and felt him give him a tight, loving squeeze around his neck.

"Daddy, daddy I tell you secret." He whispered, sounding much younger than his five years.

"Humm."

"Daddy, daddy you're my favorite!"

"Mmmm Daddy favors you too my son." He whispered.

...

December 1920

"Do you want me there?" Carson asked.

Several weeks had passed and Elsie had only grown larger and more miserable.

"When?" She mumbled, her eyes closed.

Carson smiled down at her as she dozed, drifting in and out of sleep. He'd done it all on his own that day: their work, the children, their supper, their bedtime.

"When you have the baby." He said, reaching over and brushing her hair out of her face.

"Hmmmm. Please be with me like you were for Samuel. I wanted you there the first time." Elsie wasn't sure what he'd say; she didn't really know how he felt.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." He smiled, leaning down and kissing her cheek.

"Thank you."

"Hmm?"

"For all of this." She said, caressing her belly. "For sticking by me as I tried so desperately to give us this."

"Oh Elsie it is I who should thank you and I do from the bottom of my heart." He said, putting down his book and wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace. She sighed, resting her head against his chest. "Thank you for never giving up on our precious children…. I would've been happy with you, no matter what came…. But being able to see them, to love them, just to hold them in my arms: our precious children who are our flesh and our blood…. Who in their being tell the world how desperately I love you. There could be no greater gift, no greater fortune in all the world."

"Oh Charlie I love you. I love you so much." She said, clutching his hand.

"You're afraid."

"Terrified, Dr. Clarkson says because he's pressed into my back… Charlie it'll hurt much more."

"When'd he say that?"

"This morning."

This gave Charlie a moment of pause and he found that he too was terrified. Samuel had caused her so much pain; he couldn't see how it could reasonably be much worse.

"It's alright." He said, trying to bolster her self-esteem. "I've faith in you."

"Thank you Charlie." She said, half asleep. "I've faith in you too." He squeezed her hand tight and within moments, the couple fell asleep.

…

December 15th, 1920

By mid-December the house was in the full swing of Christmas, but anyone who knew the abbey well understood it was no usual holiday season, for the entire dwelling was on the edge of its seat in anticipation, and three little Carsons were eagerly awaiting the most precious of holiday gifts.

"I know its all very exciting, what with Christmas and the lovely new baby to be, but its time for bed." Cora insisted sweetly.

Having never really been a hands on mother, she wasn't much good with this kind of thing, but thought she was doing well regardless. You see, the upstairs had several extra occupants this Christmas. Elsie, who'd started to feel better, but had grown huge in the past week or so, was about to deliver and although she'd resisted at first, had allowed Cora to take her children into the nursery in the nights just in case something happened. Elsie knew her labor would be an ordeal and the last thing she wanted was for the twins to witness it.

Everyone was overly excited about the Carson baby, except the Carsons who found themselves anxious-excited; their joy marred by a fear of what was to come and a bittersweetness neither could shake. They simply couldn't believe it was really their last baby. Nonetheless, the pair tried their best to enjoy the occasion despite all the opposing emotion.

Elsie still felt simply awful and waddled around the house rather than walked. Last night had been the first night they'd let the children sleep at the abbey and the separation had devastated her. At the same time, Charlie had made a concerted effort to console her and had had Mrs. Patmore make them a romantic dinner at home, just for the two of them. It'd been ages since they'd done anything like that and Elsie marveled over how he'd made her feel so loved and so lovely when she felt anything but. How he'd made her feel like a woman when she felt like nothing but a fat, pained, frustrated beached whale.

"I'm not sleepy." Charlotte moaned as Cora tucked her in.

Charlie played along, carefully considering the notion that they didn't exactly _have_ to sleep. Meanwhile, Samuel and Benjamin were already out like a light and snoring.

"If you need me, I will be downstairs." Cora told the twins.

"Mummy." Charlotte mumbled, taking the liberty of playing with the grand lady's fingers.

Cora smiled almost sadly and leaned down to kiss Charlotte's forehead. "Mommy loves you but she needs her rest to bring your baby sister here for Christmas."

"Bleh no sister." Charlie spat.

"Ah-ah. I think mommy wants a sister, and Charlotte and I are on team sister isn't that right?" She giggled, soothing the little girl and causing her to smile. "If you need anything find Anna or find me, don't disturb mommy."

"Will mummy go home and have the baby now?"

"I don't know… I think it'll be a few days we just have to wait and see."

Cora bid the children good night and made her way down to the quiet, but grand family supper they would have that night. The children didn't know it was to be their mother's last night in the house before she gave birth. Starting tomorrow, she would rest and wait for labor and everyday they'd be taken to see her. The twins were somewhat used to this, but Cora knew Samuel would not have it at all.

"Charlotte." Charlie began.

"Hmmm…" She said, holding her doll tight as she buried herself in the covers, listening to her friend and littlest brother snore.

"Get up, lets sneak downstairs."

…

"I… I wish you'd go home _now_." Carson said, watching his wife carefully as she went over some things in her pantry. He also wished she'd sit down.

The whole experience was a little less… exciting for Elsie who was terrified about giving birth sick of being everyone's sole focus. At this point, she was very pregnant and from the looks of it about to pop. Everywhere she went even if it was just across the servant's hall, all the eyes in the room were glued on her. Everyone she crossed paths with, did their best to fawn over or otherwise try to accommodate her. It was something she was almost agitated by and at very best it made her even more nervous about what was about to happen. Elsie found that within the past few days she'd had to hold her tongue to keep from snapping at everyone from Lord Grantham to Daisy. The only people she hadn't been on edge with were her children.

Even so, she was really feeling much better save the aggravation and a lot of her pain was gone. Dr. Clarkson had been by earlier in the week and told her that the baby had flipped around the right way and would be born just fine, something Carson was still skeptical of. Elsie sighed, rolling her eyes and holding her belly as he followed her into the kitchen.

"How much longer will it be Mrs. Carson?" Daisy asked, looking up from the cake she was making.

"Oh we've a week or so, maybe Christmas day." She said, looking back at her husband.

Elsie was agitated but somewhat happier that day and decided she wouldn't let any feelings of annoyance ruin that.

"Yes but…"

Carson was interrupted when the gong rang, a duty he'd begrudgingly handed over to Thomas during his wife's time of waiting for the baby.

"Time to go up." He supposed.

In that moment, everyone who'd been standing their scurried to their stations and Carson moved to do the same, but Elsie grabbed his jacket.

"Are you sure you're alright." He asked as they stepped into the hall together. They were alone now, though just out of everyone else's eyeshot and he took a moment to place his hands on her belly and his forehead against hers.

"I'm fine." She promised, biting her lip.

"A-and the baby?"

"Baby and I feel wonderful." She said, both of them laughed when they felt the awaited child kick, and then looked back into each other's eyes. "And we love you Mr. Carson."

"My precious wife, I love you too. But please, please rest." He said, kissing her softly before going up the stairs, leaving her smiling up at him.

…

Charlie and Charlotte found it harder than they would've imagined to sneak downstairs without getting caught and almost as soon as they got there, they discovered it was a journey they wished they would've never made.

Upstairs, Carson was having a run of the mill evening, finally convinced of his wife's promise that she was feeling just fine, that tonight would not be the night. The dining room buzzed around him and he found himself lost in its frenetic chatter, his mind finally freed of its many burdens, and at least for those few minutes he felt peace.

"Mr. Carson! Mr. Carson!" He looked up, eyes wide when he heard Beryl's anxious voice calling across the room.

"What is the meaning of this?" Carson asked sharply, both his eyebrows arching dramatically at the sight of the shaky cook as she emerged from the dining room doorway.

"I'm sorry to come up; but I'd no choice." She said, aware that some members of the family were staring and that Carson was seething, irked by the impropriety of her presence in the dining room. "But it's Mrs. Carson. Something's happening."

"WHAT?!" He cried.

"It's the baby! It's coming, and coming on strong." She said, starting to shake.

"What? I was only just with her…"

"I know, but you've got to come NOW." Beryl paused, trying her best to gather herself before elaborating. "Mr. Carson… something's not right. I've never seen her like this."

"Excuse me m'lord." Carson turned to his employer, feeling his heart rate begin to drop dramatically. "But it would seem Mrs. Carson's time is come, for the baby. Andrew…"

"It's quite alright old boy."

"Yes it's quite alright, I just cant' wait to meet the little darling." Cora cooed.

The family didn't pick up on the seriousness of the situation. Carson was almost puzzled to see the family so excited to hear of the news of his wife's labor. He was even more surprised when Mrs. Crawley stood, putting her napkin on her plate, seeming to understand the situation instinctively.

"Come along, what are we waiting for?" She asked.

Carson's breath caught in his chest, almost stopping when he looked in her eyes. He'd never seen Mrs. Crawley so concerned. Not during the war, or the births of his older three children, all of whom she'd delivered. He knew in an instant that upon hearing the details, she was worried and that stunned him to the point of making his heart nearly stop. Without a word, Mrs. Patmore led them out the room and quickly toward the green baize door.

"Why didn't you say she was so bad off?" Carson cried as they descended the staircase, hearing Elsie cry out, her screams growing louder with each step they took. Carson picked up his steps with a frenetic pace, almost pushing Mrs. Patmore aside to get to his wife.

"Elsie!" He cried.

"Hmmmmmm-ahhhhh!"

"Elsie." His breath dropped low in his throat when he saw her.

Elsie braced herself against the table in the servant's hall, a panicked Anna trying her best to hold her up. He watched her grip the table, wincing as she cried out again.

"How's she this far? I was with her not ten minutes ago!" He almost yelled, rushing to her side as he called back at Mrs. Crawley.

Mrs. Crawley paused, her eyes going blank as she watched Elsie. All of them jumped when she screamed again, but Carson moved in, wrapping his arms around her, taking her from Anna. Elsie sighed, trying as best as she could to relax now that she was in his embrace. She bit her lip, pressing her face into his chest and just allowing him to cradle her.

"I don't know!" Anna cried tearfully. The whole mess had been a shock to her and she was terrified. "Her waters just broke and then all of a sudden she was screaming."

Carson looked back at Mrs. Patmore, who was clearly trying not to panic. But Mrs. Crawley stared, Carson noticing she looked even more horrified than before.

"WHAT?!" Carson thundered, seeing the panic on Mrs. Crawley's face. He knew she knew the score right away and was challenging her to answer him.

Isobel paused, biting her lip and trying to decide what to say. She'd known something was wrong when Mrs. Patmore came up, but now that she saw Elsie she was horrified. She knew what was wrong in an instant, and wondered if it was beyond help.

"WHAT?!" Carson called again as his wife moaned into his chest.

He didn't notice that his horrified twin children watched from their hiding place in their mother's sitting room. One minute they'd snuck down and been with their mother, playing a game and her back had started to hurt. When they were done, they'd gone into the sitting room to practice their reading (like she'd asked of them), the story interrupted when they heard their mother's loud scream.

"WELL?" Carson pressured.  
"Call Dr. Clarkson NOW." She instructed, beginning to roll up her sleeves as the horrified twins scurried under their mother's desk and into each other's embrace.

So what do you guys think? Hospital baby? House baby? What will happen?


	44. A Very Special… Brave

Ch 44- A Very Special… Brave

"I did. I called Dr. Clarkson." Daisy volunteered shakily, coming around from the kitchen.

Ordinarily, Carson would've been surprised, but was too consumed with his wife's almost desperate whimpering.

"Ahhhhhhh-ooooohhhh! Ooooohhhhhh!"

"What's wrong?" Mrs. Patmore pressed Isobel, allowing Elsie to squeeze her hand.

"Ahhh…" Elsie startled, starting to breathe in and out for comfort.

"Carson, take Mrs. Carson into your pantry, clear off your desk and lay her down, Daisy, you go and get some sheets, and pillows and blankets."

Daisy hesitated and for once, Isobel was angry. "Now!" She called and the girl ran off.

"What about going upstai…" Carson began but she cut him off.

"We've no time to waste. Mrs. Patmore, you come with me, Anna go and find Baxter and Lady Grantham we're going to need their help, quickly!"

"What about the hospital?" Carson insisted, dread beginning to sink in.

It'd been the last thing he'd wanted, but he knew, looking at her, holding her that it was what was needed.

"There's no time, not now. Do as I say." Isobel demanded.

Everyone left their side, scurrying to their perspective posts and Carson lifted his wife into his arms. She was crying by this point and clung to him.

"Charlie." She whispered weakly. "My Charlie if I ooooh…"

He knew what she was going to say and didn't want to listen. Instead he rushed into the kitchen behind Mrs. Crawley, wanting to question her further.

"You need to get her on that desk, and get her ready." She called, rolling up her sleeves as Mrs. Patmore helped her wash her hands.

Carson said nothing further, holding Elsie close as he went to his pantry. There was a lot on his desk and for a moment, he didn't know what to do or how to proceed. He looked down at her as she gasped and whimpered quietly.

"I'm so sorry, my darling." He whispered, remembering that he didn't have any time to loose.

"Charlie. Charlie if I don't make it I love you so much." She grasped weakly at his jacket. His heart thudded slowly, almost coming to a stop when she said this.

He longed to ask her what had happened, but didn't have the time or strength. "You'll be alright. I promise it will be alright." It had to be. He couldn't go on without her.

Carson took one hand and pushed everything off of the desk, it crashed to the floor with a loud clatter but he paid it no mind, pushing the end of the desk up to the wall. He cradled her in his arms, hoping it wouldn't be the last time, and laid her down on the desk. Within seconds, she grasped the sides of the desk and tried to take a deep breath.

"It's alright my darling. It's alright. It's alright." He tried to soothe.

He'd known what Mrs. Crawley had meant, and worked quickly to remove her shoes and stockings. She cried out in pain as he gathered her skirts and bunched them up, stopping at the sight of her blood soaked underwear. His heart beat fast, wondering if this was normal or indicative of what was wrong. He hadn't remembered it happening before.

"It's alright my darling. It's alright." He soothed.

"I know something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong." She said, grasping his hand. "Ooooh." She cringed, rubbing his ring finger. "Ahhhhh!"

"I'm here, I'm here." Mrs. Crawley announced. "Mrs. Carson, it's going to be alright, please lay back for a minute."

Carson took her in his arms and helped her to lie down on the desk. She winced, crying aloud when she felt Mrs. Crawley begin to examine her, Mrs. Patmore watched horrified at her side.

"It's just what I was afraid of." She said after a moment.

"WHAT?!" Carson, Elsie and Beryl asked at once.

Elsie tried to sit up, wanting to ask her own questions but Carson knew better and gently held her down.

"The baby's transversed." Isobel explained calmly.

"Trans what?" Beryl asked.

"Backside first then?" Carson assumed. He knew enough about childbirth for this to explain her state, besides he'd never believed Clarkson when he'd said the issue had been resolved and the baby had turned.

"OOOOHHHHHH!" Elsie cried out, clutching the desk.

"No. No I'm afraid it's back first, Carson." Isobel spoke over Elsie's scream, her voice somber.

Elsie cried out again, she couldn't help it: nothing in her life had never hurt so much and she thought she was simply going to pass out, maybe even die there before the baby came.

"Oh my God!" Beryl cried as Carson looked down at his wife, trying to register this information.

"The baby's laying transversed, back down across the birth canal." Isobel explained, drying her hands. She looked down, watching Elsie take a deep, labored breath.

Carson was scared. One minute, his wife had been in the kitchen, feeling fine and the next she was in hard labor, as if she'd been at it for hours. He'd never seen her like this, it was almost like she was at the end of her labor with Sam and that terrified him. He'd known in his gut that something had to be wrong for it to happen so quickly, but he never could've imagined this. He held Elsie close, trying to rock her as she gripped his arm.

"Is the baby going to be alright?" Elsie asked, squeezing her eyes shut tightly and grabbing her husband's big, strong hand with both of hers.

She'd known something was wrong the instant her water broke but was too worried about her baby to care much for herself. The pain was unbearable. She didn't know where it came from, but she had the urge to breathe: in and out in and out, and kept doing it to steady herself, it was the only thing getting her through.

"C-Charlie.' She whispered under her breath, trying to steady herself.

"We have two options." Isobel said. "We can go to the hospital and take the baby out, via cesarean, which we might have to. Or, I can try my best to turn the baby round the right way."

"H-how would you do that?" Carson asked, turning as white as a sheet. "Is that safe? Either of those things?" He was almost affronted by the suggestion. Elsie clutched his sleeve, nearly doubling over.

Isobel didn't respond for a moment. Carson knew she was panicked and that made him panic, but he didn't want Elsie to know that.

"Hmmmmm-ahhhhhh!" Elsie cried, causing them all to jump. "Can I push, can I please push?"

"DON'T push. Don't push Mrs. Carson. I know you want to."

"Already?" Carson panicked.

"Yes. She's ready: but the baby cannot come out this way. Not only would it kill you." She paused, Elsie squirming when she said this. "But it cannot happen. It isn't possible…Mrs. Patmore, please go and find Anna and bring us some brandy."

"Brandy?" He asked.

"Yes, yes brandy!" Elsie begged, understanding instantly.

"That's right. I think I can save you and your babe from a C-section…. but I must warn you, its going to hurt. Probably very much."

"This already does." She moaned, gripping her husband's arm again.

"I'll be right back: don't push!"

Isobel's heart pounded wildly as she went out into the hall, hoping against all hope that Dr. Clarkson would be there. He was not.

"It's going to be alright, Mrs. Carson." He smiled down at her, holding her tenderly in his arms, hoping he was of some comfort.

"I'd like to think that." She said. "But whatever comes… I've loved you. Oh how I've loved you." She said, tears in her eyes as he leaned down, rubbing his nose gently against hers. "Please…. if something happens love the wee ones I worked so hard to bare you oooh and don't resent this little one: treasure him, oh please treasure the one I will've given my life for."

"I will love them all to the end of the age, and I will love you with every breath I take and every beat of my heart to the end of time." He said, kissing her very gently. Elsie swallowed hard, noting the tears in her lovely husband's eyes.

"I've loved the life you've given me."

"I've loved the life and the love you've given _me_ and I love the life we're to have. Look around this room and remember all the stolen nights spent, just us wanting so much to be together, trying to have a family: to make this baby."

"It's almost like a cruel joke." Elsie squinted, trying hard not to cry out.

Both paused, knowing very well that if she'd been able before, any of their children could've easily been conceived in the pantry. She took a deep breath, a feeling of doom swept over her.

"It'll be a lovely story, not a cruel joke." He said. "You're such a strong woman my Elsie, you're my hero, and so should you always be: you're the brave Scottish lass I fell in love with, you're my beautiful young bride. You're the woman I grew into one flesh with, who loved the whole of me and stole my heart away forever and ever."

"Ahhhhhhhhoooooowwwww." Elsie screamed, fear crowding her heart. His words meant so much to her but she couldn't reply.

"The one who fought so hard to mother my children, the one whose so strong, who got us here against all odds… I love you so very much Elsie Carson. I promise you're going to be fine. You have to be because I can't live a life without you in it. You're not the love of my life… but the whole of my heart."

Elsie paused, bit fat tears in her eyes as she stared up into his brown orbs. She was tired and sweaty and didn't bother to speak. Instead, she just took solace in his eyes. Carson gripped her hand, wrapping his free arm around her to steady her as the other women came into the room. He laid his face in her hair as they sat to work, not wanting to watch. He felt his heart breaking as it raced with fear; the idea that she could die having their baby was too cruel a concept for him to bear. But one thing was for sure, he'd be damned if he left her side.

"Alright Mrs. Carson. I'm going to try to turn her around from the inside and the out."

Elsie nodded through her tears, not wanting to know the details of the procedure. Carson looked up, surprised to find Cora there, staring. Little did he know she had agreed to help, but was scared to death. Benjamin had been breech, much like this baby. It had been an experience that had almost taken her life. The idea that her friend was about to endure something similar and that she were to have a hand in it sent chills up her spine.

"Cousin Cora, I need you to be with Mrs. Carson, give her the brandy." Isobel ordered.

Cora wanted to help, but hated the idea that she'd have to do this part. It'd been done to her and she thought it made the whole affair that much more horrible. Mary had done it in her case, held her down and forced her to drink when she would've otherwise been screaming. In the end it was a help, and very much worked to ease the pain but she hated that it gagged her when she was already suffering, and worse, that she was almost drunk by the time the baby was in her arms.

"Alright Mrs. Carson you're going to want to push, but don't until I say so. I'm about to start."

Elsie felt her whole body tense the moment Isobel started to turn the baby.

"Charlie." She mumbled, under her breath. "Charlie I c…"

"You're my brave girl." He whispered as she let out a scream. "My strong beautiful girl, my hero of a girl."

Beryl was scared senseless. She'd watched her friend have three babies and never seen anything more disturbing in her entire life. She swallowed her tears and assisted Mrs. Crawley as best as she could, trying hard not to break down and sob. She loved Elsie dearly, and knew she couldn't stand to see her die like this, or loose the baby.

"It's working!" Isobel cried.

Carson could sense some relief and a hint of surprise in her voice. Charlie Carson Jr. couldn't stand the sound of his mother's gut-wrenching screams any longer. Pressing his hands hard against his ears, Charlie got up from his place under the table in his mother's sitting room and made his way toward the green baize door.

"Oh there you are!" Lord Grantham laughed, leaning down to pick him up.

Robert was a bit drunk and ignored his housekeeper's screams, focusing instead on sweeping in to rescue her little boy. He'd gone to check on the children after dinner and discovered that the twins were nowhere to be found. So he took it upon himself to go and find them. Charlie was surprised by the lord's gesture and leaned over to hug him even though he knew it was improper.

"That's alright little chap." He smiled. "Where in heavens' name is your sister?' He asked.

'"I don't know." He said, tears in his eyes.

Charlie was quite surprised when Lord Grantham took out a handkerchief and dried his cheeks. He smiled at the boy sympathetically and without another word turned and began his ascent up the stairs, thinking that no little boy should have to hear his mother endure such unspeakable agony… and nor should he.

"Well then we'll have to send to a search party." He said.

"Lord Gwantham, my mummy?" He asked tearfully, looking back as the green baize door shut behind them. Robert paused, hearing Elsie's wailing even from the top of the stairs.

"Mummy will be alright Charlie." He said, patting the child's side. "But for now it's time for sleep and when you wake, you'll have a whole new little brother."

Neither knew it but they'd walked right passed Charlotte as they went upstairs. The little girl, who was very attached to her mother, was hiding behind a door adjacent to her father's pantry. She peered through the crack very carefully, holding onto the door with tiny hands. From her spot she could see and hear just about everything. Her father's hands, her mother's legs, Mrs. Crawley hard at work and the blood: all that blood. The little girl watched closely, shaking and wincing when her mother moaned and cried.

"Alright." Isobel announced. "The baby's turned, back into a breech position…oooh…."

"What now?" Carson cried, turning back to his wife when he heard her choke.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Cora cried, rubbing her friend's forehead when she realized she'd gone too far with the brandy.

Elsie was in misery and her heart sank at the tone of Mrs. Crawley's voice. Carson said nothing, but stared her down urging her to speak.

"It's the baby's cord." She swallowed. "The cords around the neck..."

Isobel was highly alarmed. She'd thought she'd almost gotten them out of the woods, until right at that moment. She sighed deeply; wishing Dr. Clarkson was there with her. Her only consolation, in that moment, was that she could feel the baby was still alive.

"Cousin Cora, more brandy." She said.

Baxter winced as she watched, knowing what was going to happen next, she was sure glad she'd never have to endure this.

Elsie screamed as Isobel went to work loosening the baby's cord from its head. Carson's heart broke as he watched his wife cry out and saw that no real progress was made on the birth. Cora cringed, recalling more vividly than she should have, when she was in Elsie's position.

"It's okay, it's alright I've been here. I've been right here. This part's worst, it's nearly over, it's nearly over." She whispered, tears in her eyes.

"Please, please stop it hurts too much!" Elsie begged through her tears. "I can't do this I can't urrrrrrg! Ahhhhhhrrrrrgggg!"

Charlotte jumped, her intake of breath so powerful it nearly knocked her down and onto her backside.

"Mummy." Charlotte whimpered.

The more time went on the more Elsie felt herself getting stuck in her own mind. Eyes open or closed, everything faded and flickered, in and out from clear to blurry to black, and with each change of the light came an eb and flow of consciousness that left her light headed and frantic. But it was only in those moments when temporary lucidity collided with mind numbing pain that she started to reconcile the fact that these were her last moments on earth.

"It's done, it's done, baby's turned and free of the cord. I'm going to give you a few seconds and then you can push now."

"No, no, no I can't, I can't!" Elsie cried, immediately everyone jumped in to encourage, but it was only her husband's voice she really heard.

"Yes you can my Elsie. You can." Carson whispered, relieved the baby had been turned.

"Mrs. Carson, you're doing so well this is finally it, his head, just what I want to see. Carson, Cora, if you can sit her up, just a little."

Elsie was weak and whimpered painfully as they sat her in place. Beryl looked back at her friend sadly from where she stood opposite Anna, holding one of her legs. She rubbed her friend's shinbone softly.

"Please I don't want to do this I'm in oooohhh!"

"Mrs. Carson I promise just a few good pushes and it'll be all done. Now take a deep breath and one, two, three: push!"

"Urrrrrrrggggg!"

"Perfect, push down, down into the pain, don't even think about it."

"Elsie I see him." Carson whispered, tears filling his eyes.

He was relieved. He didn't think, earlier in the evening, that they'd ever get to this point and now there he was, their youngest baby. Isobel and Beryl also heaved a sigh of relief, even as Elsie still lay there screaming. Cora was thankful, she didn't think she could stand to see another child born the way Benjamin was: totally covered in bruises. Baxter was excited. She'd never been part of a birth before but had known everything would come out right. On top of that, she thought being part of a baby's coming into the world was a good way to become part of this new house and help start a new life of her own. In some way Anna was sad, she wanted to be the one having the baby. Meanwhile, Daisy was thankful that someone was not her.

"No, no I can't! I can't!" Elsie gasped.

"Yes you can, I've got the head he's just ready to come if you give me another big push Mrs. Carson."

Charlotte watched, her eyes pealed. The little girl could see Isobel fast at work, but thankfully, her Auntie Beryl precluded most of the rest of the proceedings from where she stood. The true sight of the baby's birth would've been enough to traumatize the oldest Carson child for the rest of her days.

"UUUUGGGHHhhAAAAAHHHH!"

"Push down that's it, that's it, there are baby's shoulders."

Carson looked down intently at his newest child, and gulped, noting that even just its head was tinier than all the rest had been.

"Just one more, one more big push and I think we've got it."

"ARRRRRRRRGHHHAAAAAHHHH!"

Elsie took a deep breath and pushed hard, collapsing into her husband's arms when the baby started to cry. Carson closed his eyes, sighing with relief. He'd been afraid the baby had been harmed and wouldn't make it out alive.

"Job well done my brave, beautiful girl." He whispered, tears in his eyes as he leaned down to kiss her.

She smiled deeply in spite of her own tears and pain, rubbing her nose gently against his. The couple could hear everyone else fawning over their newborn, but took a moment to rest, thankful they'd all made it through, and looked up when Mrs. Crawley announced, holding the sobbing baby up to show them:

"Congratulations, you've another beautiful little girl!"

Elsie laughed, covering her mouth as a fresh batch of tears rolled down her cheeks. "She's the most wonderful little baby." She sobbed weakly.

Carson felt his heart totally melt the moment he saw her, tiny and screaming in Mrs. Crawley's two hands and he started to cry. Elsie was weak but held out her arms for her newborn and Mrs. Crawley obliged.

"Oh my beautiful wee girl." Elsie cried, taking her in her arms. Crying, Carson leaned down and kissed the baby very gently, his heart flipping when his lips touched her fragile skin for the first time. "Oh my girl." Elsie held her tight; her husband placed his hand under hers, his hand supporting the baby's tiny head too. "My Lucy." Elsie laughed through her tears.

Carson leaned down and kissed his wife as everyone gathered around fawning over the baby they'd been afraid they'd never see. Charlotte came out of her hiding place, rushing to her mother's side. Beryl took her in her arms as she looked down at her tiny baby sister for the first time and the group who'd helped bring Lucy Carson into the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.

…

Not long after Lucy was born, Cora took Charlotte upstairs to tell the family the news and of course, fetch the boys. In the meantime, Elsie and the baby were taken upstairs to the room she once resided in, where the family now stayed when they slept at Downton. There was a lot to do and there would be a long night ahead of them, but Elsie wanted to nurse and have the children meet their baby sister before too much more went on.

"You look beautiful Mrs. Carson." Carson whispered quietly, tears in his eyes as he watched her rock newborn Lucy.

He couldn't believe she was still there with him, and sitting and smiling after what she'd been through. It was a miracle and once again, she'd proven herself his hero. They were waiting for the children and able to steal a quiet moment together without Isobel or Beryl being there. Elsie smiled deeply but said nothing, looking down at the baby.

"She's perfect. She has her daddy's eyes." She smiled, tears in her own.

"Get away with you!" He teased.

"Someone's here to see mummy!" Cora announced excitedly. Leading the twins into the room, she handed Sam to Carson.

"Oh my little lads and lass!" Elsie cried. "Come here, mummy has someone she'd like for you to meet."

"Yes our loves, come here." Carson beamed.

The three were apprehensive at first, noting their mother's ragged appearance. Her hair was soaked in sweat, the blankets disheveled all around her. Even though she'd just seen her downstairs Charlotte was shocked. There it had all happened so fast it'd been a blur. The little girl gulped, noting how much worse her mother looked in bright light, that parts of the bedding were covered in blood. Her mother had told her about the blood and what she didn't realize was that there was so much more of it than there would've been had her sister not had such a traumatic birth. Charlie noticed these things too and it made him want to cry. Carson happily took Sam as the twins reluctantly came to their mother's bedside. Sam was afraid too and whimpered, beginning to suck his fingers in confusion.

"That's my little boy it's alright." Carson whispered, trying to soothe his scared son. Sam turned away from his mother, frightened of the younger baby and it's crying. "I've got my Samuel, he's alright." Carson whispered, rubbing his back.

"Charlie, Charlotte, Samuel." Elsie began over the baby's wailing. "I'd like for you to meet your new wee baby sister, Lucy."

Cora left and Carson pushed the nervous twins forward, each of them calming a little when they realized their mother was well enough to be excited.

"Mummy she's a sister!" Charlotte squealed loudly, having not been able to get her excitement out about this earlier.

"Yes my love, she's your new wee baby sister."

"Mummy why's baby so red?" Charlie asked.

"And wrinkly too." Charlotte added. The twins didn't remember Sam looking like this when they'd first meant.

"Because she's scrunched up from being inside mummy's tummy, as were the three of you."

Elsie didn't allude to it; glad the children hadn't noticed that Lucy was covered in bruises from her ordeal.

"Were we extra smooshed?" Charlie asked.

"Charlie that's not a word." Carson scolded, almost laughing.

"It's not but you're right. You and Charlotte were extra, extra smooshed." Elsie giggled at the memory.

Carson smiled, reaching out to touch the baby's head as she sobbed. He loved this stage: when the children were still warm from being inside his wife, when their tiny eyes were still nearly glued shut and they were not yet aware of the world around them. They were precious to him always but there was something particularly special about this kind of newness.

"Why's she crying?" Charlie asked.

"Because she's only just been born." Elsie smiled.

"And she's learning how to breathe m'lad." Carson said, and his son looked up at him perplexed.

"Mummy why's Lucy so tiny?" Charlotte asked as Sam finally looked over at his newborn sister.

"Yeah." Charlie agreed.

"Samuel, can you say hello to Lucy?" Carson whispered.

"She's not so tiny." Elsie said. "Samuel is just a big baby. You were both about her size." She informed. The twins were surprised.

"Mummy I want to hold." Charlotte pled.

The Carson's were surprised and looked at each other questioningly, not knowing what to say to their daughter's request. Lucy, after all, had only just been born and both of them found the idea of allowing a five year old to hold her terrifying.

"Yes lass." Elsie said. Carson looked back disapprovingly, his eyes widening. "But you have to sit right with mummy." Charlotte nodded eagerly and got up on the bed right next to her mother. "Here you remember how to do it?" She asked and Carson watched intently as Elsie put their newborn in their daughter's arms.

" **Hold the head!"** Carson and Elsie exclaimed at once.

"Hi. Hi Lucy." Charlotte squealed.

The baby gurgled as her sister held her and Charlie leaned in to get a closer look. Sam sucked on his fingers and clung to his father's shirt, not taking his eyes off his baby sister. Carson cuddled his baby son, not realizing he was terrified of his smaller sister. Elsie stared back at her children and paused, suddenly bursting out crying.

"Elsie?" Carson asked, worriedly as the children looked up.

"Mummy?" Charlie asked, climbing onto the bed with her. She took him in her arms and hugged him tightly.

"Oh my." She said, rubbing her little boy's arm, cuddling him close. She giggled through her tears and kissed the top of his head. "Oh I… I can't believe my beautiful children. My four little perfect people." She sighed, overwhelmed as she cried on her oldest son.

Elsie sighed as she watched her children her heart finally feeling complete. There they were, all the little people she was ever going to bring into the world: there and together with them like she'd always dreamed.

Carson knew what she was thinking and the entire idea was surreal for him too: that after years of longing, their family was finally complete. It was something they both felt the moment they held Lucy, and seeing all four of them together was exceptionally moving for the once barren couple who refused to give up on their dream of having a family. They paused, looking at each other with all the love and amazement their eyes could muster as they watched their oldest three look down at the baby, listening as the twin's little voices whispered to their brand new sister.

"Its you and its me." She cried. "In your flesh and mine, your blood and mine." She bit her lip.

"I love you my Elsie. Oh how I love you." He whispered, leaning down and kissing her deeply.

*There is a version with a hospital birth, let me know if you would like to read it!/It may become part of something else ;)


	45. Lucy

Ch 45- Lucy

In some way Elsie had lied to the twins. Lucy was very tiny, the smallest of her siblings by far and the notion worried her exhausted mother. Less than an hour had passed since Lucy was born and yet so much had transpired. Elsie found herself overwhelmed lying alone in bed cradling her tiny newborn.

"My beautiful wee baby." Elsie whispered, brushing Lucy's soft reddish blonde hair with a kiss. "My most perfect wee girl."

Elsie closed her eyes, beginning to cry as she kissed the baby a second time.

"Oh my girl!" She sobbed. Elsie was so grateful she could scarcely breathe.

Unlike everyone else, she'd understood where she and Lucy had just been, skirting on the edge of life and death. No experience had ever brought her closer to that point and following it she would never see anything: not a day in her life, not her child's eyes or her husbands smile the same again.

"We're so blessed my treasure. That I could keep you and you me."

Elsie was happy to be alone finally, to have no one touching her. It wasn't simply emotional, but physical, guttural: she had to sob. She'd been crying ever since labor started. First out of pain, then fear and finally joy. But this was completely different. Her body simply had to vent.

The children had come up as soon as they'd gotten upstairs, excited to see their baby sister and relieved to know their mum was all right. But after only a few minutes, Carson had announced that it was time for bed and time to let mummy rest. Charlie had gone downstairs to close the house for the night, taking the children back to the nursery in the process. Elsie had also been grateful that Mrs. Crawley had taken that exact moment to usher everyone else out of the area and go downstairs to wait for Dr. Clarkson.

"You're the most beautiful wee baby: my girl."

Elsie's whole being was in shock: mind, body and soul. She was weak, bleeding, tired, and still filthy from the aftermath of the baby's birth but did not mind. Beyond that, something about this newborn's presence catapulted her back to another time in a way her sibling's births hadn't. Suddenly, Elsie could more clearly feel the pain from a time when she was barren and desperate for a baby and the contrast to having just endured a violent birth, and having a baby in her arms was shocking.

Elsie marveled at the girl, barely believing she could be real. Lucy was by far the smallest of all of her children and somehow it didn't seem feasible that she could be real. She ran her finger over the baby's face, a tear running gently down her cheek as she watched the newborn girl nibble on her hand, her eyes shut tight.

"Oh my precious wee thing." She started to sob, a brand new realization hitting her; of how blessed she was to be the mum of four beautiful babies.

"My Elsie I am back." Carson spoke softly, concern catching in his breath. His sobbing wife to looked up.

"She's perfect." Elsie said, tears in her eyes.

"Mrs. Carson." Isobel knocked on the door. The couple looked up suddenly. "Dr. Clarkson is here." She smiled.

….

"Hello my Lucybelle." Carson smiled, rocking his newborn baby as he walked down the hall.

It'd been hard to know what to do, but at Isobel's suggestion she and Dr. Clarkson had decided to attend to Elsie first because the physical trauma of the birth obviously rested on her and she was suffering for it.

"Take her for her first walk, Charlie." Elsie said weakly.

"Are you sure?" He'd asked hesitantly.

"Yes. I'll see you my love in a minute."

Elsie was exhausted and knew her husband also needed a break, not to mention the private bonding moments with their baby she'd previously gotten. Carson didn't like the idea of leaving his wife in her state, but told himself it was just for a minute.

Carson stepped out of the room, focusing his attention on his brand new baby, cradling her very gently in his hands her entire head fitting in his palm with ease. He was in love with all of his children, but infatuated with this one in an instant. Like his wife she was so strong, and so very tiny. If Samuel was Elsie's mini Mr. Carson, Lucy was certainly his tiny Mrs. Hughes.

"Lucybelle." He whispered, tears in his eyes.

Carson found himself awed that she was there with him, the tiny girl he'd wanted so desperately. Her nose, mouth and still shut-eyes seemed particularly tiny to him. She was like the most perfect of little dolls and he found himself overwhelmed that she might be real. The hour old baby was lethargic and still hadn't been bathed after her birth.

She didn't look like her siblings – well she did, but this one had little bits of red hair instead of auburn. The twins and Sam had dark auburn hair that was predominantly red and at times would start to fade darker like their mother's but this little one's hair, what bit she had, was so light it faded into strands of blonde and he found that fascinating. Blonde. How on earth could she be at all blonde? Carson chuckled remembering he'd hoped the baby would favor him and then here she was: blonde. He wondered where she'd gotten it from then recalled being told Becky looked that way as a small child.

"Hello Lucy Carson." He whispered. "I'm your Daddy, love. It's so very wonderful to meet you." He whispered still, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You and mummy mean so much to daddy." He whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. Carson was deeply touched by not just the birth but also, the lives of all his children, this tiniest one being no exception. "And he's so happy… he gets to know you and love you." He kissed her forehead.

Lucy yawned, snuggling into his arms. He studied her face carefully noting that she had, without a doubt, Elsie's cheekbones and probably her smile too although it would be a while before they'd know about that for sure. And then there was the nose, which he worried was his. It was so little he could not tell yet.

"Lucy." He whispered again when her eyes started to open. "Hello my girl, I'm your Daddy." He smiled deeply as her little eyes tried to focus on him.

He was overwhelmed, excited that her eyes were, for the moment, just like his. Carson thought it fitting, the boys had Elsie's eyes, and his girls had his. He rocked Lucy, cradling her carefully in his embrace. He worried about Elsie, but the baby comforted him, serving as evidence that everything would be all right.

"Daddy loves you, my girl. May you always be that: a promise that all will be well when all hope was lost." After all, that's what her birth had been.

"Carson." Dr. Clarkson stuck his head out the door. His head jerked up and his heart began to pound. "We need you now."

….

Carson hadn't thought it would go this way and despite the all the fear they'd endured that night he was grateful just as she was, knowing it could've been so much worse.

"OOOOWWWW." Elsie cringed, squeezing his hand.

Clarkson had called him back in the room with the news that his wife needed to be sewn up. It wasn't a new experience; the same thing having happened after Samuel was born. Carson had been terrified when it happened, thinking that she was far more injured than she was, that he might loose her, or that he might never have _relations_ with her again. This time he knew better, but still worried for her comfort and wished he could take the pain from her.

"Elsie it's alright." He whispered. "It's going to be alright."

"Ouch! I'm fine Charlie." She insisted weakly.

Clarkson had given her something for the pain as soon as he'd arrived. Compared with having Lucy, this felt like nothing to her even though she acknowledged the pain.

"Mrs. Patmore has drawn you a bath." Isobel indicated. "Mr. Carson I plan on staying through the night…"

"Mrs. Crawley you're too kind." Carson smiled, holding the newborn in one arm and allowing his wife to squeeze his other hand.

"Much, much too kind." Elsie smiled.

"I'm sorry I couldn't get here quickly enough." Dr. Clarkson apologized, packing his medical bag. "But you certainly know you owe a lot of thanks to Mrs. Crawley."

Dr. Clarkson was impressed. She'd successfully nursed Mrs. Carson through a birth he wasn't sure he'd be able to navigate. The entire thing made him fall more in love with her than he was and something about the whole matter simply stung, leaving him not with a joy he couldn't shake but a heart that just ached.

Isobel smiled, feeling all too flattered by his words.

"Yes we do owe a debt of gratitude to Mrs. Crawley." Carson indicated. He was about to continue, but Clarkson spoke again.

"Mrs. Carson, I'm very impressed with you as well. You need to rest, relax… take advantage of the fact that you have a lot of help with the baby. Lucy's tiny, but a healthy lass. Her bruises are from the birth and will disappear. And you should also heal very quickly I think…"

"That's wonderful." She yawned. "Sorry."

"No, no please Mrs. Carson, sleep, relax." He laughed quietly, then just stopped.

Clarkson paused, not wanting to air the last thing he had to say. Carson could see it in his eyes. The other man's hesitancy made him angry and he almost just blurted out 'come out with it!' Finally, Clarkson gathered himself.

"Mrs. Carson there is just one thing…"

He didn't want to say it, to ruin their happy day but he figured he had to, that it was something that could save them a lot of heartache down the road and given how quickly Lucy had come after Samuel he knew he couldn't wait.

"Well?" Carson asked. Isobel too furrowed her brow in curiosity, but Elsie could already feel it coming. She knew and she'd known.

"Mrs. Carson you don't… _plan_ on more children?"

"No, no. Lucy's our last lass." She said, adjusting to the idea that it was time for her to sleep.

Carson looked down at his newborn in saddened surprise when she said this. He wasn't really _surprised_ as it were, having known this already. They were too old for Lucy and her siblings too; anything beyond this would be ridiculous. But it was a shock to say it, to live it, when they'd spent their entire married lives wanting so badly to have the baby he held in his arms. Something about the revelation stung.

"Mrs. Carson. I want to stress that you'll be quite well within a few week's time but… it was a stressful birth one most women… one that wouldn't have been survivable without the likes of a nurse like Mrs. Crawley."

"Dr. Clarkson I know that. Trust me I know that."

He sighed. "Mrs. Carson you'll come out of this healthy and able to live a _full_ life." Carson sighed with slight relief, understanding his intonation. "But you mustn't become pregnant again: it could kill you."

Beryl came and saw Clarkson out, the enormity of his words sinking in for the Carsons. Of course they hadn't planned on a child after Lucy, in fact the original idea had been for Samuel to be the baby but… to be told, once again that they couldn't have children… it instantly brought back old wounds and a sense of deep heartache for the once barren couple.

Elsie knew it was ridiculous. She was the proud mother of four now and nothing could change that. She had every reason to be over the moon and she was… but something about the doctor's words stung. It'd been so unexpected. Carson felt that sentiment wholly, wondering about something quite different than his wife. Would the nature of their very loving and even more _intimate_ relationship change now that they were trying to avoid the very thing they'd always sought to get themselves into? If one thing was true, years of trying for a baby to no avail, and years of being kept apart because their marriage was a secret had kept their intimate life passionate, made them fall deeper in love and most of all, made them closer than most people could imagine.

Both were exhausted, and now jarred but the night was still young: there was a lot to be done.

"It's ridiculous Charlie." Elsie said, taking the baby when Isobel left the room.

"Hmmm."

"Our being sad."

It didn't have to be said, one knew the other well enough to know what they were thinking before they thought it.

"Yes it is my love. When our greatest joys are here, safely in our arms, slumbering in the nursery downstairs."

"That's right." She said, delighting in getting to hold Lucy. "Nothing can steal my joy tonight. I won't allow it."

"Nor mine m'love."

The couple was adamant about this. While a little saddened by Clarkson's words, baby Lucy healed their hearts and brought them back to the incredible joy they'd been feeling. Carson leaned down and kissed Elsie deeply, knowing that nothing he could ever do would be enough to show his gratitude or his joy for the life and the wonderful children she'd given him.

"You're my everything Elsie. I love you to the end of the age."

"I adore you Charlie Carson, I adore you beyond measure."

"Mrs. Carson I…" Isobel stopped, noting the kiss when she came in. "Pardon me I…"

"Charlie should we tell her?"

"Let's." He smiled.

"Me? Tell me what?"

In an instant, the Carsons knew what they were going to say, and could feel that the words, once spoken, would heal the discovery of their newfound barrenness.

"Mrs. Crawley you… you've been such a vital part of our lives now." Carson began.

"You helped us have the miracle babies, babies I wasn't supposed to be able to have…you taught me how to nurse the twins, you cared for Samuel for days. You brought all our precious dream babies into the world."

"And you saved our Lucy's life."

"Oh. Oh it was no trouble at all." Isobel teared up; secretly very proud that she'd done all these things. "I was honored to help."

"Yes but that's why, Mrs. Crawley we'd like to formally introduce you to your namesake." Carson said.

"N-name what?"

"Mrs. Crawley." Elsie said, elevating her baby a bit for the other woman to see. "This is Lucy Isobel Carson."

"OH!" She cried. "That's… that's so lovely of you."

"We had to Mrs. Crawley, we are firmly indebted to you."

…

The Carson's gesture touched Isobel deeply and she found herself sobbing as she headed to bed. She'd offered to take the baby to her room for the night but Carson had decided to keep her himself. He sat awake in a chair, holding the newborn as his exhausted wife snored.

"That all went better than I thought it would Lucybelle." He told her as she yawned.

Within a few moments, Carson drifted off to sleep, and to the worst thing his mind could conceive of…

…...

 _"What?" Carson thundered, seeing sheer panic on Mrs. Crawley's face._

 _Isobel paused, biting her lip and trying to decide what to say. Carson had noted that from the moment they'd come down the stairs and seen Elsie's state._

 _"What?!" Mrs. Patmore asked urgently, allowing Elsie to squeeze her hand tight._

 _"Mrs. Patmore, please call for the car and when Dr. Clarkson gets here, tell him to meet us at the hospital."_

 _"WHAT?!" Carson, Elsie and Beryl asked at once._

 _Elsie tried to sit up, wanting to ask her own questions but Carson took her and gently laid her back down._

 _"The baby's transversed." Isobel explained calmly._

 _"Trans what?" Beryl asked._

 _"Backside first?" Carson assumed._

 _"OOOOHHHHH!" Elsie cried out._

 _"No. I'm afraid it's back first, Mr. Carson." Isobel spoke over Elsie's scream. She couldn't help it: nothing in her life had ever hurt so much._

 _"Oh my god!" Beryl cried as Carson looked down at his wife, trying to register this information._

 _Isobel looked down when Elsie took a deep, labored breath. Carson was scared. One minute she was in the kitchen, feeling fine and he'd gone up to serve dinner. And when she came back down she was in hard labor, as if she'd been at it for hours, and maybe she had. Nevertheless, he'd never seen her like this, it was almost like she was at the end, with Sam: and that terrified him. He knew in his gut that something had to be wrong for it to happen this quickly._

 _"Mrs. Patmore please … the car."_

 _"Oh!" She scrambled, getting up and quickly leaving the room._

 _"The hospital, really?" Carson asked, holding Elsie close._

 _"Is my baby going to be alright?" Elsie asked, squeezing her eyes shut tightly and grabbing her husband's big strong hand with both of hers._

 _She'd known something was wrong the instant her water broke, but was too worried about her baby to care much for herself. The pain was unbearable. She didn't know where it came from, but she had the urge to breathe, in and out in and out, and kept doing it to steady herself._

 _"We'll have to take you into surgery." She said. "Via caesarian."_

 _"Is that safe?" Carson asked, seeming almost affronted by the suggestion, his wife clutching his sleeve and nearly doubling over._

 _Isobel didn't respond. He knew she was panicked too and that made him panic but he swallowed it._

 _"Hmmmmm-aahhhhh!" Elsie cried and Carson almost jumped._

 _"DON'T push. Don't push Mrs. Carson, I know you want to."_

 _"Already?" Carson was panicked._

 _"Yes. She's ready, but the baby cannot come out this way. Not only would it kill you." She paused, Elsie squirming when she said this. "But it cannot happen, it isn't possible. Mr. Carson if you can help me get her to the car when it comes."_

 _"I will carry her." He said, resolved._

 _"Charlie your back!" Elsie cautioned._

 _"You know I can do it." He reminded, lifting her into his arms in one swift motion._

 _"Ooohhh!" She cried again._

 _"Mrs. Carson I know it's painful and scary but it'll be over soon. We'll have a baby out without any painful pushing."_

 _"Naaaahahhhh!"_

… _.._

 _"Charlie." She whispered, looking up into his eyes as he held her._

 _It was pitch black out and the dim lights of the car reflected in Elsie's eyes as Carson stared down into them, hoping the fear he felt didn't' show in his own eyes, just as the terror she was experiencing did._

 _"It's okay. I've got you. My darling, I've got you." He said, cradling her in his arms like a baby._

 _"I'm so scared." She whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair. She cringed, shutting her eyes tight._

 _He was scared too, but wouldn't show it. He'd watched her have three babies but had never seen her labor so hard. He closed his eyes, kissing her forehead before pressing his against hers. She placed their clasped hands on stomach, biting her lip as she started to cry._

 _"Dashing away with the smoothing iron she stole my heart away." He whispered. Elsie giggled through the pain, biting her lip._

 _Isobel could hear this all from the front seat and started to cry softly, touched by their words._

 _"Oh my Charlie. Aaaaaaggghhh!"_

 _"I'm here, I'm here love."_

 _"Oh Charlie. Oh Charlie you have my heart always, no matter what."_

 _"And you have mine." He whispered, placing his hand flat on her belly._

 _The Carsons didn't know each other both felt the same way. From that moment on, each few seconds passed like the slowest, most uncertain of heartbeats. Like a dragged out boom, boom, boom, the kind that shook you to the core, adding to your already frantic panicked state. Carson was beyond panicked and could barely hold back tears as he walked into the hospital and laid Elsie on a waiting stretcher._

 _"I love you my precious. I love you."_

 _"I-aaaaaaahhhhhhh!"_

 _He couldn't stand taking his hands off of her; it was symbolic of a painful letting go._

 _"Now!" Clarkson cried, coming down the hall behind him. He'd rushed back to the hospital the minute he'd arrived at Downton._

 _"Charlie!" Elsie cried as the nurses started to wheel her away._

 _"I'll be here. I'll be here!"_

 _Carson swallowed the lump in his throat and Isobel paused a beat before following Clarkson down the hall._

 _"Can't I go in, please? Whatever happens. I can handle it. I_ _ **need**_ _to be with her."_

 _Isobel reached over and squeezed Carson's hand. "She'll be fine." She promised. "We'll be out soon. Very soon."_

 _And so Carson's long hour of waiting began._


	46. A Merry Little Christmas

Ch 46- A Merry Little Christmas

* _Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas_ was actually written in 1944 but I couldn't resist using it here.

December 19, 1920

"Nooooo Sam!" Charlotte giggled, tying the blue woolen hat tighter around her baby brother's chubby cheeks.

Sam raised his little eyebrow, confused as to what was going on. He wanted to know why his big sister held him so tight, where mummy was, and why daddy was pulling them all on the sled through the snow.

"Sam its tree day!" Charlie cried.

Every year the family made the long trek to the other side of the village to obtain their Christmas tree. Having been far too little at the time, Sam didn't remember the previous year's voyage, which he'd spent asleep in his mother's arms. This year the journey came late following Elsie's traumatic delivery of Lucy barely four days earlier. Today was the family's first day back at home, and despite her exhaustion, Elsie had insisted that Charlie take the children and get a tree.

Carson smiled deeply as he listened to his three young children chatter, tears coming to his eyes in gratitude that he was not destined to be left to parent them on his own, and that instead he and Elsie would grow old together and enjoy their first Christmas with their now full family. The butler found himself so filled with joy he thought his heart might burst.

Even so, he was still frantic about his wife's weakened condition and had put her to bed straight away when they got home, doing what he could to wait on her and Lucy with the twins and Sam underfoot. Sam gurgled happily, clapping at the sensation of Charlotte's hug.

"I can't believe how much they've grown this year Mr. Carson!" The tree man exclaimed when they arrived.

Year in and out, the twins never remembered him, but they never forgot the annual voyage into the vast field of Christmas trees that they looked forward to all throughout the year.

"Daddy, daddy let Sam choose!" Charlie pled for his brother.

"Yeah." Charlotte agreed. "He's never gotten to choose before."

Carson laughed. "How about we all choose, my children?"

"Heeeeeeeee!" Sam covered his eyes, laughing out loud. He reached up and pointed at a nearby tree, much too high for Downton let alone the Carson cottage.

"We could put it in the garden." Charlie reasoned hopefully, liking his baby brother's choice.

"I was thinking something more… cozy." Carson reasoned, admiring his sons' ambition.

…

The baby boy was enthralled by the new tradition with which he was partaking and less taken with his brand new baby sister. Sam was happy when his father took him out, thinking he'd come home and find mummy's arms waiting, that tiny crying thing gone. But the boy couldn't have been more wrong.

"Well hello my Samuel." Elsie soothed, new baby in her arms when they all came in the door. Carson carried the tree in one hand, Samuel in the other.

" _Mummy_. Should be resting." Her husband said sternly as Charlie and Charlotte worked at their father's feet like little elves, scrambling to and fro to gather the Christmas decorations from the root cellar.

Elsie giggled and leaned over to kiss her husband about to speak when there was a knock at the door. The knocker paused barely a beat before turning the nob. Carson didn't have a moment to respond in defense of his family when Beryl emerged from the frame, Daisy and Baxter at her heals their arms full.

"What's this?" Elsie asked, surprised.

"I should say what's this?!" Carson asked, his eyes wide.

He didn't need to ask, he would've known exactly what it was a mile away: he smelled roast and soup and all kinds of wonderful things. Carson was relieved. He'd thought he'd have to cook that night… It would've been a difficult task given that he was bad at it, had a fragile wife and newborn to care for, and three children underfoot (one of whom was always hungry…). Sam clapped, excited by the idea of food. Over emotional still, Elsie started to cry.

"You didn't have to!" She started, grateful for her friend's massive effort. Even at first glance all the Carsons could tell that Beryl had brought them many days worth of food.

"Oh yes I did! And what in the Lord's name are you doing up and out of bed?!"

…

December 24th, 1920

"Hmmmm why do we always have a child in our bed Mrs. Hughes?" He groaned.

"Because we have four now Mr. Carson." She giggled groggily.

"I'd rather hoped to partake in the activity that got us here." He teased. "Just to be close to you."

She smiled, sighing, her eyes closed. "That sounds wonderful, however…"

One and a half year old Sam lay between his parents snoring and newborn Lucy rested in her bassinet at her mother's side.

"Two babies and two six-year-olds Mrs. Hughes that seems so hard to believe."

"Much too difficult to believe. Charlie?"

"Hum…"

"Lucy's our last lass."

"I know." He said quietly.

In the end, Dr. Clarkson had finished his explanation when he came to check on Elsie and Lucy at home a few days after the difficult birth. It, he said, was Samuel's fault. Or rather, what had happened to Lucy, her odd position in the womb and her traumatic birth had likely been caused by Samuel's size. He'd stretched his mother out and as a result his much smaller sister had had too much room, the whole thing was further aggravated by Elsie continuing to hold the mammoth boy when she was pregnant, which had caused everything inside her to shift. Elsie felt guilty but Sam, who'd been present at the time, just giggled at the news.

"Dr. Clarkson doesn't think it'll be possible for me to have a baby, say a year from now… I'd rather like to ensure there are no accidents in the next year… not that our child could be an accident Mr. Carson." She said, smiling down at Sam.

"I understand wholly." It hurt his heart to have to discuss this.

"I'm afraid I don't know much about it about… avoiding it. I've spent most of my adult life hoping and praying such a lovely thing could happen to us."

"Oh and it has." He laughed, smiling down at Sam. "Four wonderful times over Mrs. Hughes and I wouldn't change a bit of it for the world."

"Nor would I." She closed her eyes as he leaned over their baby to kiss her. "But I'm unsure we ever could've dreamed a year and a half ago when Sam was born that we'd have Lucy at all let alone so soon…"

"If you don't wish to be with me for the next year or so Elsie, I…"

"No. No I should never wish to not _be_ with you Charlie. Never… but I'd like to get something to keep from…"

"Oh. Well we've never done that." He was affronted by the idea. It seemed so… modern.

"No. We haven't. I was thinking of asking Anna to help me, once I've healed from Lucy, but I thought I'd ask you first… I certainly don't' want to hurt or embarrass you."

"How would you hurt me?" He asked. Affronted or not, he knew this wasn't about him.

"By having you think I don't wish to have your baby Mr. Carson."

He laughed when she said this. "First of all it must be done for your health my Mrs. Carson. Nothing matters more to me than that. And after all the years of trying, and how much you used to cry Elsie and how much you love me and Charlotte and Charlie, and Sam and Lucy…and the twins we lost: I could never think that."

Elsie gulped when he mentioned the lost twins. It pained her to think of the two who would've made her the mum of six.

"You and I've made six lives together Elsie, that's plenty enough for two families and I should never be cross with you for needing to be done with having babies. It's high time."

"I know. It's just a wee bit sad. Mr. Carson if I were younger I would go on."

"Oh?" He chuckled. "I thought you didn't want to be one of those farm wives with ten children."

"No. I don't but if you're the father that's another matter."

Carson smiled, her words touching him deeply.

"If Lucy hadn't nearly torn you in two you'd go on." He corrected.

"I suppose that's it."

"My Elspeth, if we'd had Charlotte alone." He spoke of their firstborn. "That would've been a miracle and you know it."

"Oh yes, yes I do. But if I could, I would always want to have your baby."

….

"Mummy who beat her up?" Charlie asked concerned, looking down at his newborn baby sister.

Lucy was half asleep and lay by the fire in just her nappy. It was Christmas Eve and Elsie was getting ready to dress her so they could go to Downton for a big party. She wasn't sure she was up for going, having gone through such a traumatic birthing experience only nine days before. But the children all wanted to go. Carson had to be there, and everyone else wanted to see the baby.

"Oh m'lad. Remember how mummy explained Lucy had a hard time being born?"

"Uh-huh."

"She got her bruises coming out of mum. But she'll be alright big brother."

Charlie was perplexed, wondering how this could've happened. In an instant he broke away and hugged her legs.

"What's that for?" She smiled, running her fingers through his hair.

He paused, not wanting to be indecent but the thought struck him deeply.

"Mummy must be bruised too." It was logical more than anything else.

Elsie was more than bruised. Lucy had gotten off easily as it were. Her mother was ripped, cut, sore, still bleeding and in hindsight, lucky to be in that state.

"Oh my baby lad." She kissed his head. "That means a lot to mummy that you'd realize that."

Charlie sighed, closing his little blue eyes as he hugged his mother tight.

"Mummy?" He asked. Smiling, she got down on her knees to converse with him despite the act of bending being so painful for her she wanted to scream.

"Hmm?"

"Mummy did I hurt you too?"

Elsie smiled and took his hand, kissing it. "Yes; but you hurt mummy the least!" Elsie giggled.

Charlie grabbed her face and kissed her nose.

"I love you my wee surprise baby boy." She whispered as he giggled, kissing her nose again.

"I love you mummy and I'm sorry if I beated you up!"

…

"No, no. I insist. You just sit." Cora said almost sternly, sitting Elsie in a big velvet armchair while every one else was standing.

"And I'll take the chubby lad off your hands. Lord knows he wants to be in the kitchen anyhow." Beryl said, taking Sam from Elsie.

"Wait…" Elsie protested, wanting to hold him and Lucy both.

Sam fussed as he was taken from his mother, but kept chewing on his hand, knowing where his Auntie Beryl was taking him.

"And mummy we'll bring you gingerbread." Charlotte promised.

Elsie sighed as the twins ran off and Samuel was carted away, leaving her alone with the newborn Lucy who dozed peacefully in her arms despite the noise of the party all around her. Elsie was used to serving at these functions, and participating in parts of them as a guest, but had never before been able to just sit and observe. She held her tiny baby close, Lucy fussed a bit at the odd sound here and there, but remained locked in sleep.

The newborn little girl sucked on her hand, dressed in a velvet holiday gown that Baxter had made specifically for this event. It was much too big on the tiny girl, and made her mother marvel over her all the more.

"Merry Christmas my Lucybelle." She whispered.

"I've never seen a more gorgeous sight in all my life."

Elsie looked up to see her husband standing there, tears in his eyes.

"Lucy Carson. Can you say Merry Christmas daddy?" She asked Lucy, her heart skipping a beat.

"She's a beautiful baby." He could barely keep himself from crying.

It was being there, in front of everyone that did it. Carson was more overwhelmed that Christmas Eve than he could ever recall being. His children were running throughout the house, and in the midst of all the joy a Christmas party at Downton could bring, there Elsie was, glowing, their tiny newborn baby snug in her arms. It was a sight he'd longed to see for so many years and he relished even a glimpse of it. It was an extra special blessing, given that their marriage had once been a secret that was theirs alone.

"This is the Christmas we long planned on, isn't it Mr. Carson?"

He nodded, sitting on the ottoman where she was resting her feet.

"One of the many."

An intoxicated Robert came up behind his wife, kissing her cheek. She jumped delightfully, not realizing he was there at first.

"Hello darling." She giggled when he handed her a glass of champagne. "Awe they're so cute." She said of the Carsons as she sipped the drink. "Aren't they so cute Robert?"

Cora was relieved that Elsie had come through the ordeal that had almost killed her several years before, and so delighted that the Carsons were so happy. She watched them closely, both touched by their miracle, and wanting to do her best to personally ensure Elsie's comfort.

"Let's have another baby!" Robert burst suddenly, almost slurring his words.

Cora laughed and cupped his cheek in hand. "Oh darling I can't." She said sadly. He furrowed his brow in confusion. She would've liked to, very honestly. She felt young enough for it. "Besides. Two of our daughters are married now and…"

"WHAT have you heard?" Robert asked sharply.

"Would you like to hold her Mr. Carson?" Elsie asked.

He nodded quickly and took the baby in his arms. In a way, Elsie marveled over Lucy more when he held her. He was such a big, strong man, and Lucy so tiny she as less of a baby and more of a doll.

After a few moments, Carson kissed Elsie, then got up to show Lucy off to the rest of the house. It was the infant's first time back at Downton since she'd been born and everyone from Lady Mary to Molesley wanted to see her. Only Cora, Beryl and Daisy had made the trek down to the cottage to see her. Elsie lay back in the chair and sighed, exhausted.

"Hi mummy." Charlotte said, climbing onto her mother's lap, her mouth full of chocolate.

"Hello m'love." Elsie laughed, wrapping her arms around Charlotte.

"Mewwwy Chwistmas…. I missed my mummy." She confided, happy to have her place in her mother's lap back now that she was no longer pregnant.

"Oh Charlotte. Mummy missed you too." She whispered.

"Mummy you love Lucy more?"

"No, no, no Charlotte." Elsie hugged her tight, watching Charlie lovingly as he proudly showed off their newborn. "No I love you all so much."

"Mummy happy?"

Charlotte's question caused Elsie's eyes to fill with tears, remembering the many years of Christmas parties she and Charlie had spent: lonely, sad, barren and … apart, their relationship a secret.

"Oh yes Charlotte. Mummy's so, so very happy."

…

"Why doesn't my mummy have one? Does your mummy have one?" Ben asked confused as he and Charlie observed the crests that hung in the great hall.

The little boys had snuck off to play and found themselves among the years of crests that hung throughout the abbey. Ben had recently learned that every time a girl married into the family they hung her family's crest on the wall. The last one was Granny Violet's, and because she was American, his beloved mummy didn't have one. Charlie was confused and didn't really know what to make of his friend's new discovery.

"No, but she has a plaid." He bit his lip, himself knowing a little of what this met, just enough to be proud of it and no more. "And didn't we come up here to fight?"

"Oh, that's right."

No longer under the care of a nanny, the little boys had come upstairs to duel with antique swords they'd had their eyes on since they were two. Now was their chance, when their nanny was finally absent, and their mothers otherwise engaged.

"I want the pretty one." Ben remarked.

Charlie rolled his eyes, 'We're men.' He wanted to say. 'Who cares if they're pretty?'

Charlie didn't realize it was something his Scottish blood that made him a little bit tougher and more calculating than his best friend and even his own father. There was a bit of warrior in him and in his siblings too. The two little boys struggled to lift the swords. Freeing them of their sheaths, they were just about to fight when Lord Grantham stumbled into the room.

"What are you boys doing up here?" He laughed, slapping his son on the back and causing him to drop the sword.

The boys thought they'd be in trouble for a moment until they realized Lord Grantham was intoxicated. Both heaved a sigh of relief, allowing the drunken Lord to disarm them.

"Come on lads!" He cried joyfully, taking the sword Charlie had been holding and ushering the two of them down the stairs. "What are you doing up here, there's a party to be had, on guard!" He cried, causing the boys to jump.

"Daddy the sword!" Ben cried.

Charlie and Ben exchanged glances upon the realization that Robert was singing and tripping every few feet as they made their way back to the party. Both children wanted to laugh, but held their tongues.

"This must be why mummy wouldn't let me try any." Ben whispered to Charlie.

"Hello everyone!" Robert laughed, lifting the sword high when they came back into the ballroom.

The boy's eyes grew wide and Mary covered her eyes as the Lord of the manor used the sword to skewer a large helping of cheese off the table.

"Good Lord." The eldest Crawley child uttered mutter as they passed.

"Robert!" Cora giggled, patting her husband's arm, beginning to distract him.

The boys stopped when they heard Carson approach, clearing his throat. "I know two young lads with some big explaining to do."

Just then, Beryl walked by with Sam in her arms. He reached out and grabbed the block of cheese off the sword, beginning, to slobber on it.

"Where the devil is it?" The Lord asked, confused about the whereabouts of his snack.

"I think its time we say good night." Cora cooed, wrapping her arm around her husband. Lord Grantham was not a drunk. He just got very excited at parties. Too excited.

"Come on." Bates sighed. "I'll help take him upstairs."

…

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas… let your heart be light… from now on our troubles will be out of sight."

"Ooooh!" Lucy cried, yawning so deeply her tiny preemie body shook.

Carson looked down at his littlest girl in awe, marveling over how very tiny she was. He and Elsie walked back late with their little brood. He carried Sam; she carried Lucy and the twins walked between them, playing in the snow. Carson helped his exhausted wife into bed as soon as they walked in the door insisting that she sleep, and by that time she was in no condition to argue the point.

They'd had a wonderful time at the party; but Carson was a bit hurt that he'd had to forego his own tradition of reading _The Night Before Christmas_ to his children. Once they'd returned home everyone had been far too sleepy to endure a story and a cup of hot chocolate by the fire. Sam and Lucy had been asleep, Elsie, and the twins not far from it. Carson bittersweetly tucked his family in and once he had, he'd taken possession of his youngest and whisked her downstairs to rock her by the fire.

If he couldn't read to her: singing would be the next best thing.

"So have yourself a merry little Christmas, now."

"Merry Christmas Charlie."

Carson jumped; turning when he heard his wife approach, clad in her robe, her hair a mess. In truth, she looked terrible but at once beautiful.

"Elsie! You should be…"

"No, no Charlie my love. I'm alright now." She promised.

"A-are you sure?" He didn't believe her. She nodded.

"I think I interrupted something." She giggled.

"Nonsense." He took her in his arms, deciding it would be so much sweeter if they could rock Lucy together. He continued to sing. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the Yule-tide gay, from now on, our troubles will be miles away. Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore. Faithful friends who are dear to us, gather near to us once more." By now, he rocked his wife gently, his forehead against hers. "Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow…"

Charlie stopped when he noted tears running down his wife's cheeks.

"Elsie what's…"

"Oh Charlie… I'm overwhelmed. We're so very blessed." She bit her lip. "So very blessed with all our miracles. She looked down at Lucy. So blessed."

"Oh my Elspeth, my Elspeth yes we are." He leaned down, kissing her deeply as they stopped under the mistletoe she had hung above the hearth.

"Hey daddy!" Charlie shrieked.

Carson and Elsie broke their kiss and turned to find the twins and Sam on the stairs.

"Is Santa here?" Charlotte asked.

"No, not yet m'love." Elsie reasoned.

"How about a story before he comes?" Carson suggested, his heart soaring at the idea that he might get to resume his tradition after all.

"Yay!" The twins cheered.

Sam followed them as quickly as he could, toddling over to his mother's open arms, ecstatic to have her to himself for even just a moment.

"We'll do it for you mummy we'll make the chocolate!" Charlotte offered, the twins scurried into the kitchen chattering a mile a minute, leaving their parents and baby siblings under the mistletoe.

"I don't like them to put on the kettle…" Elsie was nervous.

"Oh let them… should you be…"

"No. No I shouldn't be up… but Charlie… there's no way I'd have missed this. I've been waiting forever for these Christmases m'love and I'll cherish them the whole of my life."

"I'll cherish them too. Just as I have every moment I've been married to you."

Carson leaned down and kissed his wife again as passionately as he could, in that moment, remembering the long, lonely Christmases spent apart, watching other people's happy children, knowing that he owed all their miracles and every bit of his happiness to her.


	47. Grow, Grow, Grow

Ch 47- Grow, Grow, Grow…

February 1921

'Grow, grow, grow, grow." Charlie whispered to himself. He was restless and couldn't stop tossing and turning.

It was deep into the wee hours, the night before his sixth birthday, and the little boy found himself very anxious to grow. All his siblings and his best friend had grown so much that year. Even Lady Edith had seemed to get a little taller, and he felt like he really hadn't. Charlotte and Ben had grown a few inches. Sam had gone from baby to toddler. Lucy had grown out of nothing into a whole little baby. Yet here he was: stunted, not growing: left behind.

Charlie Carson Jr climbed out of bed sleepy eyed, his teddy bear in hand and made his way into his parent's dark room where his father lay snoring, holding his much smaller mother close. It would be many years into his adulthood before Charlie would take note of how his father held his mother in sleep. He cuddled her like she was the most delicate, precious thing in the world. But yet even in tender moments of sleep with their children present, he caressed her as one did a lover.

Charlie peered down into his tiny baby sister's bassinet, studying her carefully. At seven weeks, Lucy was still very small and covered in bruises from her traumatic birth but she was gaining strength. The little boy brushed the baby's tiny hand gently. Although asleep, she took it, squeezing it tight, causing him to smile. Lucy made him feel purposeful.

Charlie had come to adore the newborn in a way he didn't anyone else. Charlotte was his best friend, his equal. She was part of him and always would be. Sam was becoming his friend in the way Ben had always been, only in a more heartfelt sense. They were the Carson brothers and would remain a pair all their lives. But as the oldest, Charlie saw his teenie tiny bruised littlest sister as his to protect. Something about that made him gain confidence in himself. It made him feel big, as he longed to be.

"Do you think it'll be okay Lucy?" He asked very quietly.

He felt he could confide in her. Mummy, daddy and all the other adults gave him what he felt was false reassurance. Charlotte and Ben paid little mind to his concern and Sam would grab his nose and laugh. Somehow he felt as though Lucy listened, even though she was much too tiny to pay him mind. Lucy sighed at her big brother's question, sucking on her fingers as he spoke.

After months and months of praying to grow, Charlie was still the shortest of the three children who were having a birthday that day. The little boy, who wanted more than anything to be like his strong, imposing father, forced himself to consider that he was simply short as his mother was, or that maybe something was wrong with him. Little Charlie paused for a moment, swallowing the lump that had begun to form his throat and as his angst increased, he made his way to his mother's bedside. He'd had enough of being brave and enough of giving his mother space: he needed her now.

"Mummy?" He asked, a lump forming in his tummy as he hugged his bear.

"Mmm Charlie?" She asked, stirring.

"What?" Carson asked, startled. His wife's words had jolted him awake and he was trying to get out of bed even though he was still half asleep.

"Mr. Carson, I was talking to your son…" She soothed.

"O-oh." Carson understood, pretending he was awake now.

"Charlie what is it m'love?" Elsie asked.

"Mummy I'm scared." He whispered.

"What is it m'lad?" Carson asked, yawning.

"Here climb into bed with Mummy and Daddy." Elsie offered.

Charlie climbed in eagerly and without hesitation, hugged his mother.

"Why are you so afraid my son?" Carson sat up and turned on the light, the clock at his side catching his eye.

"What if Charlie shrinking?" He asked, sighing as he buried his face in his mother's stomach.

"Oh my baby, no." Elsie soothed. "You're not shrinking lad."

"Come here son." Carson said, reaching over to lift him into his arms. "It's a certain little boy's birthday right now." He reminded.

"It is?" Charlie yawned; having not realized it was past midnight.

Elsie smiled deeply when she looked at the clock, realizing it was just that time. "It's his very special birthday right now."

"Charlie grow for birfday?" He mumbled hopefully, beginning to get sleepy as he rested in his father's arms, finally comforted somehow.

"Charlie will grow in time." Carson soothed; sick of having this discussion with his oldest son.

"But for now." Elsie continued. "You're our precious little boy and although you're anxious to get big we wouldn't have it any other way for now."

Carson and Elsie paused, each kissing one of their son's cheeks. Although he worried about his growth, they appreciated his youth and loved that he was little, especially now in the hour of his birth. Carson held his son tight, cradling him like a baby until he fell asleep.

Carson almost giggled, tears in his eyes. "Funny the lad longs to grow… when he doesn't realize what a gift he is, just as he is. Thank you for my most wonderful my gift Elsie." Carson smiled as he looked down at their son. "Even after six years, the surprise, the awe, the pride, the overwhelming love of having this beautiful little girl and a wonderful wee lad of my own… it never goes away and it never will."

"Oh no Charlie. No it never will." She said, leaning up and kissing him on the lips.

….

"Peek-a-boo! Ha! Peek-a-boo!" Cora giggled.

Everyone in the house was fastidiously preparing for that night's joint birthday party. Elsie was never sure how she felt about these parties, but was grateful that Cora and Robert insisted that the twins not be left out of the festivities. After all, as Robert had once explained it: 'It's their special day and they too are children of the house.'

Mrs. Patmore was fast at work baking a cake big enough for the whole house to partake in while Elsie went about her work, Samuel on her hip. The children had the day off from school and were running about the house playing various games, being supervised wherever they went by either of their mothers or Edith.

Meanwhile, Cora found herself alone in the drawing room with baby Lucy. It was an offer Elsie had been surprised to receive and hesitant to accept.

"Peek-a-boo!" Cora squealed, tickling Lucy.

The baby was too tiny to manage much of a smile, but slobbered and giggled a bit, snuggling into the lady's arms in a way that simply melted her heart.

"Cora?" Robert asked, surprised when he opened the door.

"Look Lucy, look whose here, its Lord Grantham would you like to say hello?"

Robert smiled, sitting next to his wife, surprised when she eased the child into his arms without asking. "Hello Lord Grantham." She baby talked. "I'm Miss Lucy Carson, do you remember me?"

"How could I forget the third Carson child born in my house? I'm pleased to meet you again, Lucy." He said, taking the tiny girl's hand. She yawned, squeezing his finger tight.

Robert turned and stared back at his wife as she gazed down at the baby, entranced.

"Cora." He said firmly. "I've been thinking of what you said and you're quite right."

Robert felt guilty, knowing he'd started it when he'd asked for a baby over Christmas. He'd been drunk, but he'd met every word. Deep down, he felt young and alive and wanted more than anything to have a fifth child with her. But over the last six weeks, he'd come to understand that she was right. Two of their daughters were wed, Ben was still a small boy, and childbearing was a danger for her.

"Hmmm?" She asked.

"Cora my love. We shouldn't try to have another baby." He said.

Robert paused when he heard their son and his friends run by, laughing a mile a minute, his middle daughter at their heals trying to keep them from running amok. She stared back at him, her eyes pooling with tears, knowing he was right. He sighed, lovingly resting his butler's youngest child back in his wife's arms.

"You see, we have a wonderful life, and home. Filled with life and love, and lovely people to share it all with." He said, tickling Lucy's cheek, causing her to squeal.

She nodded, teary-eyed. "That's right." She said. "No Robert I agree. We're blessed with a lot of wonderful people. That's a wonderful point."

Cora cuddled Lucy close, thinking back to the day she'd almost miscarried Benjamin. Suddenly she found herself still hurting but overwhelmed with gratitude not just for her son, but for the Carson children who she loved so much.

Robert leaned and kissed his wife tenderly. "Thank you, on this day of his birth for our wonderful, blessed son." He whispered. "And for all the wonderful daughters who came before him."

"Oh Robert, thank you for a life better than I could've imagined."

"That, my love, was your doing. And don't ever think." He began, smiling down at Lucy. "That there's not a second in my life I wouldn't want to have one of these with you again."

"Oh Robert." She whispered. Doe-eyed, she pressed her forehead against her husband's. "Isn't she precious?" She giggled.

He was right: Lucy (and all the Carson children) brought her (and her son) joy and maybe that was enough.

"She's perfect and I think we should offer to babysit more often." He teased.

"I agree." She bit her lip. "But what do we tell Benjamin?"

"Benjamin? What the devil does he have to do with this… he's off to Eton in seven…"

"About that…" She began but he didn't hear.

"Don't tell me he wants a baby brother." He laughed.

"A sister!" She exclaimed, her eyes sparkling.

…..

'Okay, so I must get cake.' Sam thought, quickly observing Mrs. Patmore's baking from his place on his mother's hip where he'd been all day. 'How do I get them to give it to me now?'

The baby boy jumped, forgetting his plotting when he heard the thunder of bigger little feet charge down the stairs.

"No!" Edith laughed, stopping her brother and the twins from coming in the kitchen. It was a last ditch effort, she'd been attempting to stop them from coming downstairs for at least twenty-minutes. "It's a surprise. The three of you wouldn't want to ruin your surprise now would you?" She asked, getting on her knees.

"For cake we would." Charlotte answered.

"Upstairs! Upstairs with the lot of you." Carson commanded, coming up behind the children.

"Daddy!" The twins cried.

"Carson!" Ben added.

"The three of you go, now."

They scurried up the stairs at his command, leaving their inexperienced caregiver in the dust.

"I…"

"It's alright, they take a bit of getting used to, m'lady." Carson comforted, leaving her alone at the foot of the stairs.

…

Mary raised an eyebrow, studying herself carefully in the vanity mirror as the pouring rain outside turned into a slushy snow.

"Anna?" She asked, her maid as she put a necklace on her.

In that instant, Mary jumped as Ben and the twins passed by her room, consumed in yet another noisy game.

"Of course Edith can't control them…" Mary rolled her eyes.

"I'll say she does have her hands full m'lady." Anna giggled.

"I suppose. I know my children would never be that rowdy. I swear mama lets him get away with murder. The little king."

Anna didn't really agree, and said nothing in return.

"Is the door is shut?" Mary continued.

The two turned suddenly when someone hit the door hard.

"BENJAMIN CRAWLEY!" Mary barked.

Anna rushed to open the door, and in an instant, Ben, Edith and the twins all tumbled in.

"Oh my goodness someone's a bit excited." Anna observed.

"It's our birfday." Charlie reminded.

"Yes I know it's your birthday." Mary approached and got on her knees. She took her little brother's chin in hand and raised it to meet her gaze.

Edith could sense her older sister's annoyance and got up off the floor, Charlotte in her embrace. Ben, however, sensed something far more sinister than annoyance and winced at her touch.

"You're quite growing up." She reminded, trying her best to be as kind as she could. "You're almost out of the nursery… it's time you tame your childish games a little, don't you think Benjamin?" He disagreed, but nodded wide-eyed at her suggestion. "Edith should've learned that." She smiled up at the sister she disliked most.

"Come on." Edith said, keeping Charlotte's hand and taking Ben's.

Charlie stood and stared for a moment, understanding already that she didn't much like his best friend and that as Carson's son he could get away with doing so.

"Run along Charlie." Mary teased, knowing the clever boy would understand. "Edith needs some mature guidance."

Anna was surprised at Mary's treatment of the children and found herself speechless when she closed the door.

"Don't you think that was a bit harsh, m'lady? I think you have a little brother who thinks you don't care for him."

Mary threw her hands down, a bit frustrated. "Of course I.. I care for him."

The oldest Crawley child was conflicted. She did love her little brother, really she did. But the jealousy she had toward him and little Charlotte Carson had never gone away. Now that she was married, ready to take the seat of power and found herself unable, she found that her jealousy of her little brother, Downton's heir, had increased ten-fold.

"What do you use?"

"I beg your pardon, m'lady what do you mean?"

"Well you and Bates, you don't have children yet either."

"No we don't…"

This was a sensitive subject one Anna was uncomfortable considering. Mary paused, clutching the chair at her side as she started to play with her pearls.

"I, I was just wondering how it is that Mrs. Hughes has two new babies, at her age, and neither you or I has yet to have one."

…

"She's just a little dream Elsie." Cora said, placing tiny Lucy back in her mother's waiting arms at the end of the party.

"Thank you so much for keeping her, m'lady." Elsie was grateful for the help, but had desperately missed her baby and was sure she never wanted to spend that much time apart from her again.

By this time, all the children had tired themselves out after a day of playing.

Baxter had taken Benjamin to bed, and Beryl had taken the twins downstairs to get them ready for their journey home. It'd been a happy, eventful birthday except for the fact that Charlie had not grown, not one bit and Ben's little sibling would remain a thing of dreams. Neither boy, not having come close to growing into men, realized that their deepest desires were not broken dreams but instead things of the future. Charlie would grow into a formidable man, just like his da and would become the hero of many men (just as he'd perceived his da to be). And while Ben didn't see it that way, he was and always had been among brothers.

Once Elsie and Lucy left, Cora grabbed all the letters that had come that day and cuddled up to her husband beside the fire.

"So, how will we be telling Benjamin that he won't be becoming a big brother any time soon?" He asked, kissing her cheek.

Tired, he laid his head back, not noticing that she was reading. He closed his eyes, ready for a good night's rest.

"HA!" Cora gasped, her eyes lighting up. "ROBERT!"

"What?! What?!" Alarmed, he sat up very suddenly.

"Oh my goodness! It looks as if Ben will get his wish!"

"WHAT?!"

"Sybil's pregnant!" She squealed.


	48. Becky Lass, Part I

Ch 48- Becky Lass, Part I

March 1921

"Shuu…shuuu, Miss Lucy, my Miss Lucy Carson." The butler soothed, his voice booming loud, echoing through the dark.

Lucy, now almost three months old, woke up at the same time every night to find the normally well-lit house pitch black, and as result, started screaming her head off. Usually, she was inconsolable for at least a half an hour and as a result, her parents were exhausted. Carson was doing his best to cater to the newborn without the aid of his painfully tired wife.

"There my wee lass, it isn't so bad." He insisted, patting her back.

"Charlie is she up again?" Elsie asked, barely able to open her eyes.

"Yes our lass, is wide awake."

Elsie was so tired she could barely lift her head, but willed herself to move, first getting on her hands and finally sitting up. Carson placed the screaming baby in her arms. Elsie said not a word and went straight to the work of nursing. Lucy fussed frantically as if in a panic and feel silent as soon as she began to eat.

"I'm sorry I cannot feed her Elsie."

"It's alright Charlie." She promised, rubbing the baby girl's back. "I'm awake, I'm all right… remember how far we've come from two of them fighting to feed?"

"Yes I do." He chuckled.

"Waaaaa…"

"Samuel." Elsie sighed. "He'll want a little…"

"I'll get him and we will get a midnight snack."

…..

Carson was amazed to find his twin children snoring when he walked into their room. Samuel stood awake in his crib, holding his teddy bear and crying, his lip trembling. Carson would never know, but Samuel was sad, having thought his mum had forgotten about him because of the strange, tiny, screaming thing called Lucy.

"Awe, there he is my wonderful wee little boy!"

Sam reached up eager for his dad to hold him, soothed when he pressed him against his chest and started to cuddle him as he took him downstairs to the kitchen.

"How about some milk?" Carson offered, kissing his forehead.

Sam was hungry but fussed, at first refusing the baby bottle of cow's milk (wanting his mother's instead), but took to it eagerly as his father thumbed through the post he'd neglected earlier in the day.

"Oh good heavens… it's about your aunt!" Carson cried. The baby merely raised his eyebrow. "Hmm. I think we must consult mummy on this, expediently!"

Sam's eyes lit up at the word mummy. Carson found himself a bit nervous and reread the letter as he rushed up the stairs.

 _Mrs. Charles Carson,_

 _We regret to inform you that after a hundred and forty-six years in operation, St. Anne's home will be shutting its doors and as such will no longer be able to care for your sister, Miss Rebecca Hughes…_

Carson's mind spun, wondering how they would deal with Becky now when they were so overwhelmed with everything their own life had to offer. Oblivious to his father's worries, Samuel grew excited once they neared his parent's room, knowing it would mean a visit with his mum.

"Memumumuma!" Sam babbled, squealing a bit too loudly.

"Hello, Samuel my love, shuuuu! Charlie what are you holding?"

For a moment, Sam was stunned to see the bundle in his mother's arms. He looked down at it quizzically as his father got into bed, his little eyes daring back and forth in horror. He'd momentarily forgotten about Lucy and now found himself crushed all over again.

"Memamumuma!" He cried, trying to argue even though no one was listening.

"Elsie, I don't know how to tell you this… it's about Becky."

"WHAT?! What's wrong?" She asked, taking the letter from her husband, reading quickly. "Oh no Charlie… what are we going to do? What are we…"

"I… must admit, Mrs. Hughes I really don't know."

"Those other places are so expensive … every cent we have will have to go toward it, not to mention she'll be scared and miss all of her friends… And what about the children, and their schooling and their futures… And our future!" Elsie started to panic, not allowing her husband a word in edgewise. "Charlie I can't take care of her when I've two whole houses to take care of and four little people who depend on me for everything. When we've got two babies!"

As if on cue, Samuel pushed the bottle aside and started to fuss, reaching desperately for her.

"Shu! Samuel my baby lad, mummy's a bit busy as you can see." Carson whispered, rocking him to try and assuage him.

"Charlie it's all right, give him here. What's wrong my wee baby lad?"

Sam looked down at Lucy, blinking twice in confusion, wondering why she was still there, but nonetheless, held onto his mum tight, clinging to her shirt and burying his face in her neck.

"You see, I've so much to tend to, Mr. Carson." She was overwhelmed. "I don't know how I'll handle Becky too." And with that, Elsie started to cry.

…

"How do you read so good?" Ben asked.

"Read so _well_ Benjamin." Their tutor corrected. "Charlotte, continue."

Charlotte proceeded, clutching the book she was reading while her twin snuck another piece of candy from his pocket (which his little brother had handed to him that morning). Unbeknownst to them, Mary stood outside, laying in wait.

"Can I help you, m'lady?" Anna asked, noticing her standing by the schoolroom as she walked past.

"No, no I was just thinking of taking the children riding." Mary almost.

"Charles." The teacher called out the little boy who stared out the window.

He jumped, looking up. "Yes, sir?"

"What's so interesting about the out of doors Charles?"

"Rugby sir." The little boy bit his lip; still staring outside.

It was a new fascination, and one that would stick. His father had taken him and his baby brother to their first match in York not quite a month before and ever since he'd been obsessed. Charlie had liked cricket since he was a very small lad, but now found that nothing could compare with his admiration for the rougher sport. Sam had enjoyed it also, laughing and clapping every time a tackle was made. Charlie stared out into Downton's lush, green lawn, longing to play rugby out in the mud. Nothing, he thought, especially not schoolwork, could be more important.

"I want to go play rugby too." Ben pouted.

"Charlotte, the passage." The teacher said, dismissing the boy's requests.

…

"It's not a good time!" Elsie sighed at her husband's suggestion, it was one of the most absurd things she'd ever heard. "Samuel is your da being silly?" She asked the little boy who sat in his highchair snacking. In actuality, he was in a time out.

"Mrs. Hughes I don't see anything wrong with it! The children are growing, they need adventure they've barely been out of the village." A trip to York with his boys had gotten Carson thinking.

"This one's got adventure alright!" Elsie nodded toward Samuel.

She jumped when there was a loud crash. Samuel pushed his bowl onto the floor. It landed up side down, but unscathed. Sam clapped: proud of his achievement.

"Uh-oh!" He said, looking down at it as he chewed on the remaining toast.

"Uh oh is right." Elsie admonished. Mr. Carson, two of them talk a mile a minute, this one runs me ragged, and the one in the cradle doesn't let me sleep!"

"You sound almost resentful Mrs. Hughes…" Carson was surprised.

"I'm not… resentful I just… I'm a mum of four little ones now, and I'm exhausted. A _vacation_ isn't exactly the first thing on my mind and if it were, it would be a good long sleep, not chasing this one down a freezing cold beach, not worrying about my newborn girl catching her death of cold. And not…" She lowered her voice. "Going to see my sister!"

"Elspeth." Carson said sternly. "It's not really a proper vacation even… it's something that must be dealt with and an excuse to get away. You know that."

"Yes." She sighed.

In that moment, Lucy began to cry and Carson rushed off to retrieve her.

"Samuel, stop dumping everything you eat on the floor." Elsie said, cleaning off Sam's face.

He clapped when his mother said this, thinking the whole thing was great fun and just a game. He liked the crash sound.

Stern at first, she smiled and started to baby talk. "It's a wonder mummy had time to have another baby when you're such a big baby!"

"Don't admonish the lad." Beryl interjected as she came back in the kitchen, feeling the need to defend _her_ Samuel.

Elsie sighed. "Mrs. Patmore, you'd spoil him rotten, I swear! Mr. Carson do you really expect me to take _him_ on a trip?" Elsie quipped when Carson came back in the kitchen, a fussy Lucy in his arms. "It'd be chaos."

"It would do everyone a world of good." He said confidently. "Samuel, would you like to dump your food on the floor in a whole other town?"

The little boy considered this for a moment looking up at his dad, confused.

"I'll have to agree…" Mrs. Patmore added handing Sam a cookie. Elsie narrowed her eyes at her friend, feeling Sam had already eaten too much that day. "I'm not sure it's a good idea, not when they're _**all**_ so little..."

"Well…. What about just a day in Lytham St. Anne's then?" Carson suggested. "An overnight."

"I find this highly suspicious Mr. Carson." Elsie said, putting Sam on her hip. "You do plan on going too?"

"So do I. Are you trying to get rid of her?" Beryl raised an eyebrow.

"If I didn't know better I'd say he weren't." Elsie agreed.

"I…" Carson paused, finding himself rather stuck.

Beryl knew that Carson almost never went with his wife to see her sister, and that she herself had only been a handful of times in recent years. It was simply too stressful. She'd gone once while pregnant with the twins, twice when they were small (and brought them on her own), once while pregnant with Sam… but not since. Life had been too hectic with her cancer scare, the unexpected pregnancy and the trauma of Lucy's birth.

Elsie turned without a word when her husband didn't answer, and Carson followed as she made her way up the stairs. It was time to take the smallest Carsons back to nanny for the afternoon.

"No of course I'm not trying to get rid of you my Elsie." He balked at the absurdity of the statement. "But we must address this, and find a place for her to live. Besides, you've not visited Becky since you were expecting our Samuel… she's the only extended family we've got and she deserves to see the children."

"I know _I_ must go. But Mr. Carson, I think it best if I go for an afternoon and take Lucy only because I have no other choice… But I'll think about it." Turning to him when they reached the second floor landing. He didn't pick up on the fact that she was angry. "So long as you promise to go with me."

"I… I promise." He gulped, Elsie smiled, satisfied.

"Now I think it's the babe's n-a-p time." She spelled. Carson smiled.

Sam's ears perked up, knowing he was being discussed. He narrowed his bright blue eyes and grunted in frustration.

"It's settled then." Carson said, "We'll all go."

….….

Ben and the twins were excited when Mary came and took them downstairs. For the boys, it quickly turned from an escape to a session of playing in the mud.

"How are you supposed to learn to be little gentlemen?" Mary chastised, raising an eyebrow. "Look at Charlotte. Quite the lady."

Mary sighed. She hated to admit it, but Charlotte could be the perfect lady when she needed to be. The little girl fit in the family almost better than Edith did.

Charlotte, who'd ridden once or twice before, took to it like an old pro, leaving her twin and friend in the dust.

"We just wanted to play." Ben cried. "Isn't that why you brought us here?"

"No. I brought you here, Benjamin to teach you to ride. And hunt. You boys want to go out on the hunt don't you?"

The boys were confused; neither knew much of the hunt. Both could tell you red coats were involved. Ben would add that his father led the expedition. Charlie would remind you that his didn't go. Robert, meanwhile, would remind you that the hunt was almost a thing of the past…

Charlie and Ben looked up when they heard Carson laugh from a distance. Such a belly laugh was uncharacteristic of the normally formal man but he couldn't help it. It perplexed the boys further and made Mary smile bright, turning on her heals to face her favorite butler.

"You seem happy today Carson."

"Forgive me m'lady, but the lads made me chuckle. Did you find a fun game?"

"Daddy we want to play rugby." Charlie piped.

"But we don't have a ball." Ben announced sadly.

"Well is that so?" He asked. Ben nodded. "You lads look like you'll make brilliant rugby players." He remarked. "Where's my Charlotte?"

The boys pointed out at the field where Charlotte rode her horse expertly. Carson beamed with pride.

"She's doing what I brought them out here for, and she's quite good." Mary watched as her butler observed his oldest child with pride, noting her excellence.

"M'lady, if she likes it, may she continue…"

"Of course. This will be a weekly thing. To get them out of those horrible lessons." She said, taking her brother's hand. "Come along Benjamin it's your turn."

"Do I have to?" He really didn't care to ride, even if Charlotte liked it.

"Yes, you have to."

"Mary can I please learn to drive instead?" He whined as she pulled him along leaving father and son alone.

Carson laughed and picked his namesake up kissing his cheek, not minding how filthy he was.

"Daddy I only came because rugby." Charlie whispered.

"I'm sure you and Benjamin will get your rugby time. But Lady Mary is right, riding is a nice skill to have."

"Uh-uh not for me." He shook his head.

"Oh? Why's that?"

"You don't go on the hunt, so I won't either."

Carson stopped, noting his son's observation. It struck him suddenly that this was the very beginning of the twins taking note of the class difference between them and their friend. He hoped that as they grew older, it wouldn't be too devastating a blow.

"No." He said quietly. "But it's a skill I'd like you to have. You never know when you might be invited."

"Daddy!" Charlotte giggled, running to him, her arms open wide. Seeing him out here was a surprise indeed. He picked her up too.

"You were wonderful my wee princess." He commended and she giggled. "Daddy is here to give his lad and lass some news."

"No, no more babies." Charlie spat, shaking his head, disgusted as if sick to his stomach. Charlie didn't know how or why his mother kept having these babies, but wished it would stop.

Carson laughed at the assumption. "No m'lad no more babies for your mum and I." He was aware, though, that Elsie wanted to get the children a pet when they got bigger, an idea he was not keen on. "No this is news of an entirely different matter: we're going to go on a trip by the sea!"

…

Three Days Later

Elsie was overwhelmed as she sat in the car with her four children, whom she'd dressed alike: all in navy and white sailor suits (identical save the fact that Charlotte's was a skirt), and wrapped Lucy in a blanket that matched. Elsie'd not been to see Becky in what seemed a lifetime, and worried the visit would be disasterous, especially since the twins were more curious about the visit, having no clue that their aunt was any different from any one else's.

"Mr. Carson, we're going to be late!" She called out the car door.

Carson stood outside the car, lecturing Thomas who, much to his chagrin, was to be left in charge while they were gone.

"I'm sure I'll be _fine_ , Mr. Carson." The under butler gave an exasperated sigh.

"Hmm." Carson huffed, raising an eyebrow.

"Mr. Carson, the train!" Elsie urged.

"Daddy." Little Charlotte interrupted.

The butler turned on a dime, attentive to his oldest's every syllable.

"Charlotte?"

"Daddy, Thomas' waited on me before, he did well."

"Hmmm." Charlie considered. Like his father, he didn't much like, or trust, Thomas. "But the tea service left something to be desired!"

"And my professional skills should be left up to the judgement of a four yar old child?" Thomas asked.

"I'm six!" Charlie cried, holding up six fingers.

" _Then_ you were four."

"All right, all right, that's enough!" Carson sighed. "Very well Thomas, but if the place falls to ruin in your stead…"

…..

Not an hour later the family was tucked cozily into their private train car, as it sped steadily toward Lytham St. Anne's. Elsie was happy that Cora had insisted on paying their way in a cabin all their own, it made it easier to nurse Lucy, watch the twins, and keep a reign on Sam who'd been getting into everything lately.

The twins sat staring outdoors, their faces pressed against the windows and Sam sat on his da's lap, playing peek-a-boo. Elsie's heart melted as she watched Sam squeak and giggle, looking up into his dad's face. The tiny boy was entranced, completely, sublimely happy to be in his father's embrace.

"You're such a good da." She whispered and he smiled deeply. "Charlie… I have to talk to the twins about Becky."

"Mummy, do our cousins have a Sam too?" Charlie asked suddenly.

Carson and Elsie froze, exchanging baffled glances. They'd never have thought the twins would assume they'd have cousins. Elsie paused, neither her, nor her husband having any idea what to say.

"Oh my loves. Your Aunt Becky doesn't have any children…" Elsie began.

Elsie bit her lip, patting Lucy's back. A wave of abject sadness washed over her and she found herself back in that dark place for a moment. The place where her longing for children was so great she thought it'd rip her apart from the inside. Elsie had always wondered if Becky had those same feelings, if her bareness ate at her from the inside. The difference was, Becky had no hope of a family, no husband to comfort her in the depth of the night. Suddenly Elsie felt guilty, not just of the life that her baby sister had lost out on, but also of her neglect of her. Elsie considered herself a terrible sister and an even worse friend.

'I had years without a family. I could've paid her more mind.' Elsie thought. 'I didn't have to hide her away…'

She gulped, knowing she was to blame for whatever loneliness her Becky lass had endured. She felt Charlie wrap his arm around her, knowing he understood what she was thinking even though she'd not uttered a syllable.

Elsie's heart warmed as she felt Lucy sigh against her skin and snuggle into her breast, now almost falling asleep. Curious about her mother's saddened silence, Charlotte approached, peaking over the blanket and looking down at her baby sister. Elsie reached up and tucked Charlotte's hair behind her ear.

"So no cousins?" She asked again, just to be sure.

"No cousins." Elsie replied softly.

Charlotte, who knew her mother had had surgery to be able to have a baby, wondered if perhaps her aunt had had the same difficulty.

"But why not?" Charlie asked.

"Your Aunt Becky never got married." Elsie began.

"But why not?" Charlie asked again, saddened by the idea.

Elsie sighed, holding her newest baby close. "My loves… do you remember your Auntie Becky?"

"Hmmm…" The twins began.

"She lived in a big place." Charlie recalled.

"With lots of other people." Charlotte added.

"That's right. It's because she's not like us."

"Is she sick?" Charlie guessed.

Charlie and Elsie exchanged nervous glances. "Not exactly. She's … she's a wee bit slow, my lad and lass."

The twins paused, tilting their heads in confusion.

"You know how my wee lad and lass are very bright?" Elsie asked. The twins both almost blushed tickled by the compliment. "My wee ones think quickly and ask good questions."

"Like are there cousins we've not heard of." Carson gave an example.

"My wee lad and lass are reading so well, and coming to understand the world … but my Becky lass, it's what I call your Aunt … she's very slow, in her head where you're very fast. She can't take care of herself and was never able to marry or be anyone's mummy."

"So she's like a child?" Charlie clarified.

"Yes, that's it: she's a bit younger than me, but in her mind, just a little girl."

"Is she like Sam?" Charlotte asked, taking her baby brother's hand.

"No, she's more … more around your age." Elsie guessed.

Developmentally, Becky was probably a smidge older than the twins now, somewhere between eight and ten. The twins paused, both saddened by this.

"Why doesn't she live with us then?" Charlotte asked.

"Yeah." Charlie agreed. "We could take care of her!"

The whole idea hurt Elsie deeply, that even her twins saw a way to caring for Becky when she'd never been able. Elsie said nothing more on the issue as the twins returned to their game and Lucy continued to feed.

"It's not your fault, my Elsie." Carson said quietly, placing his youngest son back on the floor to join his siblings in their game.

"How do you figure that? I could've paid her so much more mind, Charlie."

"You were working to provide all that time, to make sure, even though you were apart, that the state didn't take her from you, and that she'd always be your Becky lass. That was the best you could do and it was heroic Elsie Carson."

"Charlie…"

"No. You're the perfect mother and big sister… you've done all you can for Becky and will do so for as long as there's breath in you … and I will not hear more about anything other than that."


	49. Becky Lass, Part II

Ch 49- Becky Lass, Part II

Elsie was never gladder that Charlie had come with them, as she was when they arrived at the home where Becky resided. She found herself apprehensive about this meeting, and so did Charlotte once it had all been explained to her. The little girl clutched her father's hand, clinging to him like a girl of much younger years, and sucked her thumb as they walked. Charlotte was known for being brave; but would be anything but, today.

Charlie, meanwhile felt the need to be brave for his mum's sake. He took her hand and walked with her ahead of the rest of the family. Anywhere she needed to go, he would be, the measure of moral fortitude. Samuel rested patiently on his mother's hip, and Lucy napped peacefully, tucked in a little basket her father toted around with ease, her teenie eyes sealed shut.

"Charlotte m'lass there's no reason to be afraid." Carson assured.

He bent down, as his wife checked in at the visitor's desk, and pulled his daughter's fingers from her mouth.

"Mummy and daddy would never put you in a situation that was dangerous, you know that don't you?" He asked; she nodded. "It's just mummy's baby sister."

Charlotte looked down at tiny Lucy, who slept soundly without a care, considering her father's words and finding it odd that anyone could ever find her own baby sister threatening. Maybe Aunt Becky would be something like Lucy.

"Daddy has his girls, Charlotte: it will be alright." Carson whispered, kissing her forehead and taking her hand once again.

Carson wouldn't admit it, but he was a little bit concerned, himself. Not about Becky, but the other people who lived here. Sometimes there were outbursts, and he didn't want the children around such things; they were far too small.

"Daddy…" Charlotte whispered so quietly he couldn't hear her.

She looked around in amazement as they walked into a large room lined from floor to ceiling with big, white, paned windows, the sun shining brightly into the room. Dozens of people of all ages sat around, playing board games.

"Mummy, the games look fun." Charlie said.

Elsie couldn't help but giggle, her sweet little boy giving her strength.

"Yes m'lad, they do."

Sam watched carefully noting all the sweets in the room, his mouth watering.

"Where's Auntie, Mummy?" Charlie urged gently.

Elsie didn't answer, only absentmindedly running her fingers through her son's hair as she surveyed the room. Suddenly an auburn haired woman caught Elsie's eye. The woman, who looked much younger than Charlie might have expected, noticed Elsie in an instant. Her dull blue eyes brightened quickly and she jumped up from her chair, almost rushing toward the Carsons. Charlotte grabbed her father's pants leg, clutching the fabric, hiding behind him.

"There she is m'lad." Elsie smiled.

…..

Moments later, the Carson's sat around the table with Becky. Charlotte sat on her father's lap, three month old, Lucy in the crook of his other arm. Despite the huge age difference between them, both girls were nervous for vastly different reasons and stared back at their aunt and everything around them. Lucy, in particular, searched her new surroundings with wide brown eyes, full of fear. Charlotte found her tummy ached, and that the closer nearer she was to her da, the better she felt.

"It's alright." Carson promised again, whispering to Charlotte, "Daddy has got his girls." He rocked Lucy calmly, keeping her from crying.

The boys on the other hand, were more engaged. Charlie had bravely taken a liking to his Aunt Becky and had begun to talk with her and make her laugh, although even he could see, as his mother had said, that she was somehow more his age than hers.

"I'm so sorry Becky lass, that I've not been here, but as you can see, I've had my hands full. You know these are the twins, Charlie and Charlotte and they've gotten so, so big! And these are my little lad and lass, who you've not met: Samuel and Lucy. "

Lucy looked both ways, hearing her name. Her father took her little hand and with her whole fist, she squeezed his finger. Sam didn't pay attention to his aunt, his focus solely on the cookie before him. He broke it in half, eagerly shoving part in his mouth.

"Elsie I'm so happy you're here!" Becky cried.

"And my lass, I'm so sorry I've not been. We do have some things to talk to you about."

"Cook-ie!" Sam burst, staring down at the cookie as he dropped it.

Elsie looked down in surprise, Carson laughed and Becky clapped.

"Samuel my love, its your third word! Mummy's so proud!" Elsie kissed his cheek.

Sam didn't pay attention to his mother's praise and instead, reached for another cookie in the middle of the table.

"That's right: cookie." Becky said slowly, smiling at Elsie as she handed Sam another cookie. The little boy squealed, smiling up at his aunt. In that moment, he decided he liked her.

"Becky lass." Elsie began as her sister suddenly turned her focus from the family to the puzzle before them. "Elsie lass, I know you like it here."

"Yes. It's home!" She smiled simply, without looking up. "Ever since mama…. since mama…" She paused sadly, beginning to sniffle. Elsie reached out and took her baby sister's hand.

"Yes lass…. Since mama." Elsie paused a moment. "I don't know if they told you: the home is shutting down."

Becky looked up in a panic at her sister's words. "NO!"

"Becky lass… Charlie and I have found a new place for you, much closer to us at Downton… I know we haven't been around much…"

"And for that we're sorry." Charlie said.

"Yeah we're real sorry." Charlotte added shyly, biting on her thumbnail.

Becky didn't react, her growing discontent obvious by her expression.

"But my Becky lass, it'll mean we'll get to see you much more." Elsie added.

"And one of the nurses told us, many of your friends are going to the one we're thinking of." Carson said.

"No! No, no, no, no, NO!" Becky cried, startling the twins tremendously. Charlotte turned around burying her face in her father's shoulder as her aunt started to cry.

"Becky, Becky I'm sorry m'love." Elsie said sadly, forcibly taking her sister's hands. "But there's nothing we can do… we don't want this any more than you do, but we promise we'll help you adjust… more than when you came here. We promise we won't leave you alone… I'd no other choice before and I'm so sorry."

"R-really…. So Becky won't be alone?" She asked, uncertain.

"No." Elsie promised. "No I promise you'll never be alone again, my Becky lass."

"Cook-ie!" Sam laughed, handing his now slobber covered cookie to his aunt.

…

"Cook-ie?" Sam asked.

Charlotte was still nervous, but a bit more at ease when they prepared to leave. She watched from a distance as her mother hugged her sister, cradling her in her arms. Their father had taken them out into the home's gardens so the two sisters could talk privately: Elsie had a lot to say. Carson held Lucy in his arms and followed Sam closely as he toddled about.

Meanwhile, Charlie was worried about Charlotte, her behavior seeming unnatural. He came to his twin's side, taking her hand and squeezing it. The little boy was too young to realize he knew his sister better than anyone else, having shared womb with her (even there she'd not been this shy), and spent almost every moment of his six years by her side.

"Charlotte, why are you scared? When you're always a bit braver than me." He hated to admit.

Charlotte shrugged as she watched her mother and aunt, not really sure. She was always so brave, so sure, and always up to help others… but something about her aunt's place in life made her feel venerable in a way she was not comfortable with. Deep down, she wondered if she'd always have to care for Lucy, in the way her mother cared for Becky. Charlotte didn't realize that one day, she'd be her aunt's savior.

"I'm so sorry, Becky lass. I've been a terrible big sister to you." Elsie whispered, kissing her sister's hair, cradling.

Becky sank into the hug, holding on to Elsie tight. Inside, she was so relieved her sister was there: that she wasn't alone and afraid, just for those few hours. To Becky, Elsie was like something of a dream, of a loving home and a life long past.

She whispered back, playing with her big sister's hair in a very childlike way. "I know I'm a problem."

"NO. No." Elsie said quickly. "Never, it's I who's been inadequate for you. You're a gift to me, Becky lass."

"No more Becky alone?" She whispered, still not believing what she'd heard before.

"No. No more Becky alone." Elsie promised.

…

Six Hours Later

Carson raised an eyebrow, wondering how they were going to do this.

"Daddy." Charlie tugged on his father's pant leg.

The energy in the hotel room was frenetic. Neither Carson nor Elsie had spent a night in a hotel in many years, since the twins were conceived, in fact. Both were used to spending quite a different type of night when they were in a hotel together, their outing always turning into something of a tryst. But four babies later, Carson found it was going to be the ultimate of family nights. That was, they were to sleep five to a bed.

Carson's eyebrow remained poised high above its usual place, staring back at the bed which was just a bit smaller than the one they shared at home, wondering how they'd fit three of their four children in with them.

"Samuel, no splashing!" He heard Elsie call.

"I get my own bath because I'm a lady." Charlotte reminded.

"You're not either!" Charlie corrected, struggling to keep his towel wrapped around him.

"Hush son, it's bedtime." Carson soothed, rubbing a towel on his son's hair in an effort to dry it.

"Daddy will you tell us stories about what you and mummy did when you used to come to hotels?" Charlie asked this, having been told they used to travel before they had a family.

Carson understood the innocence behind the inquiry, but choked on his son's question nonetheless. He sighed, struggling with what to say. It was difficult, even knowing that the boy simply liked adventure. But this was one _adventure_ he was not yet ready to explain.

"You know mummy and I had to hide our marriage." He began.

Charlotte sighed. "Because Lord Grantham used to be less understanding."

"What?" Elsie laughed, bringing Sam out of the bathroom.

"I was simply reminding the twins that we once had to hide our marriage.

Carson paused, staring back at his wife lovingly, his heart over whelmed with gratitude to be in this place with her: in a hotel room, with his love and four little people of their making stuck sleeping in one bed.

"And I asked daddy what you used to do when you went to hotels." Charlie explained innocently. "You would've been bored without us."

Elsie burst into giggles, noting the mortified look on her husband's face. She kissed his cheek, laying Samuel down on the bed. "Well Mr. Carson, what was it you and I used to do?" She pried, egging him on.

"I…" He was stunned she'd say this. "We would come on vacation and have fun together … and let everyone know we were married…"

 _May 1914_

 _Neither Carson could believe they'd managed to hide their marriage for seventeen long years. It'd been a long, painful time of restraint: the best of times, the most trying of times. Elsie secretly pined for the day when her husband would let his guard down and announce their marriage. They'd planned on telling everyone as soon as the baby started to show. Elsie's heart was heavy on the subject of children, she didn't know, after so many years, and what seemed to be a failed surgery, if she'd ever conceive… but either way she was more than ready to live life as a married woman._

 _Meanwhile, Carson secretly wondered when his wife's baby madness would end. He wouldn't say it to her, but he figured that there was no hope. After all, it'd been seventeen years, and not one pregnancy, not even a lost one. He didn't know that his wife was still praying and hoping for a miracle, following surgery not too long before, that he was unaware of._

 _But on that particular weekend, both did their best to put their perspective worries out of mind. He would not think of her obsession, she would not think of her pain and for certain: neither would think twice about children. Instead, the two were consumed with one another. Neither knew what it was, but something that weekend had amped their desire for each other, it was like it was in the air almost, and whatever it was, the two followed its lead to the tee._

 _Carson moaned into his wife's mouth, kissing her deeply as he moved down her cheek and jaw and to her neck. She moaned loudly, digging her heals into the bed._

 _"Charlie…" She cried, biting her lip, clutching the sheets beneath._

 _"Elsie." He whispered, loving it when she said his name._

 _"OOOH."_

 _It was one of the things that made having a secret marriage so inconvenient: they had to work hard to quiet each other when they made love at Downton, because one always went to the other in secret._

 _"Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!" She moaned._

 _"HEY quiet down in there!" Elsie and Charlie jumped out of embarrassment, shocked when they felt someone hit their door._

 _Having lost the moment, the two stared at each other for a split second before bursting into flustered, embarrassed giggles, both secretly proud they'd drawn attention. She smiled deeply grabbing his cheeks and kissing him sweetly._

That, of course, transpired eight months before two rambunxious, premature twins came on the scene. In hindsight, Carson found the incident fitting, the two children called the world to attention in everything they did, in birth and in life… why not conception as well.

"Charlie." Elsie giggled, pulling Samuel's shirt over his head. "The answer is simply that mummy and daddy would go on vacation to steal time alone."

"How are we going to do this Mrs. Hughes?" Carson changed the subject; trying not to think about the many nights he'd spent alone with his wife in hotels.

"Well, Lucy lass, is in her basket, fast asleep." Elsie considered. "Charlie and Charlotte can sleep in between mummy and daddy and Sam can sleep on daddy's chest."

"Very well then. It'll be a bit cozy but that's alright." He said, taking his youngest boy in his arms.

The family settled in, Elsie tucking in each child as Carson turned off the light. He sighed as he climbed into bed, closing his eyes and Elsie kissed his cheek. Sam closed his eyes, excited that he got to sleep on his father's chest, to him, no place in the world could be more comforting.

"Thank you for doing so much on such a long day." Elsie whispered, kissing her husband's nose. "I love you Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie." She giggled, teasing him.

"Mummy, why you say Charlie four times?" Charlotte asked, yawning as she cuddled into her mother's side.

"Shuuu my love." She shushed. "Good night lass."

Carson smiled deeply, thinking back on that night. Everything he'd feared they'd never have, and everything he valued about life its self was right there in their arms. Soothed to the depth of his soul, he leaned his head against his wife's and drifted off to sleep.

…

"Lucy lass." Elsie soothed, yawning. "It's four o'clock in the morning. You must be famished to wake mummy like this." She pat the tiny baby's thigh tenderly.

"Elsie?" Carson asked, coming onto the balcony where she sat, nursing the baby.

Elsie smiled up at him, her hair moving softly in the gentle breeze. "Good morning my love."

"It's very early." He pointed out.

"Your baby lass, was hungry, er … famished." Elsie giggled, beaming down at the baby as she suckled fast. She bit her lip, happy to rock her last little treasure.

Carson smiled and came and sat with his wife. "She's starting to get to be sleepy lass." He observed, brushing the baby's cheek tenderly as she ate, his smile full of awe. "Lucy. I think you're taking advantage of mummy's generosity."

"No! It's mummy's job to feed her … whenever she wants. And cuddle her as often as she needs." Elsie bit her lip, smiling back at him.

For a moment it was unspoken: no words were needed. They'd done it, the aim of every night they'd spent in secret, in far away hotels and dusty servants quarters, realized in a lovely babe, who suckled in her mother's arms, and three little ones who snored like chimneys in the background.

Carson chuckled, playing with Lucy's nearly blonde, reddish hair. He was beyond grateful for Lucy, as the youngest, she awed him, and he was still reeling from her traumatic birth, an event, which he realized could've cost him his Elsie.

"She's a beautiful, beautiful baby." He whispered. "It's tremendous you know. We used to come to these hotels and have such a spectacularly splendid time. And now to come back with four wee ones… four: it's such a wonder, my Elsie. You're a wonder." He said, sweetly placing his nose against hers.

She sighed, closing her eyes, resting her nose against his. "Oh Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie…"


End file.
